WHINING: How to Stop Kids Whining / How to Help Your Child Speak Calmly // The Mom Psychologist

0:00 I think one of the biggest parenting triggers is whining. Am I right? I mean, nothing makes us want to yell and whine back like this behavior does. It triggers literally alarm bells in our brain that says this needs to stop, this needs to go away right now. And when this happens, it makes it hard to think clearly and step into our best parenting selves. I'm Dr. Jasmine. I am a clinical psychologist and mom of two and in this video I'm going to share practical tips on how to cut back on all that whining.

0:35 Before we dive into this video, I want to share that if you are watching this live. I will be teaching a live parenting class on October 23rd which is a Saturday morning at 9am Pacific Standard Time and it's going to be all about how to manage big emotions, both our child and ours, right? I don't think we can talk about how to handle our child's big emotions if we don't first talk about how do we handle our own big emotions.

1:03 So in this class I will be sharing practical tips on how to stay calm during difficult moments, what to do and say during tantrums and aggressive behaviors, what it takes to raise emotionally intelligent children, exactly how to teach new coping skills and ideas of where to start, and we will end with plenty of Q and A. So I hope you will join it again is on Saturday, October 23rd. All of the details will be in the description box as well as the comment section of this video or you can go to w www.themompsychologist.com masterclass okay, so this video was actually inspired by questions that I get all the time inside of my private parent coaching community, the Mom Sisterhood about whining.

1:50 This is a common parenting struggle and one mom asked me I'd love some advice on how to handle whining. Sometimes my 3 year old gets into a whiny streak where for days on end everything that comes out of his mouth is in a whining and demanding to we ask him to try again without whining, but it doesn't get us far. So I love this mom's question. I feel like that is very relatable and it can commonly feel like the whining stage comes out of nowhere.

2:22 So before we talk about how to address whining and how to cut back on whining, we first need to talk about why it happens in the first place, right? It's really hard to be able to shift or change a behavior if we don't fully understand it and the root cause Right. Because once we understand the root cause, then we can address it. So commonly, whining is a behavior that children do when they get overwhelmed with intense emotions or they get overwhelmed with frustration because they're trying to reach a goal, right?

2:57 They want something or they need something and they're not getting it fast enough or they're not getting it at all. And they're overwhelmed with that feeling, feeling of frustration, right? That there is a block between them and what they want or what they need. Another common reason why children whine is because they have an unmet need. Maybe they're feeling stressed, maybe there's a lot of change and unpredictability in the environment and they need more connection or more attention.

3:25 Maybe they're tired, they're overtired, and they haven't had enough sleep or rest in that day. Maybe they're overstimulated or they're under stimulated or they need connection and attention and they don't know another pro social way to get that need met. So they resort to whining. And the biggest reason why children whine is, let's face it, it works, right? Nothing gets our attention again. Remember those alarm bells? Nothing gets our attention quicker than when our children is whining.

3:55 So it's a behavior that they've learned, has worked for them. Because when they whine, you turn your head, right? You focus on them, you give them attention, whether it is positive attention or negative att. Negative attention being like yelling back at them or punishing them or whining back, right? Whether it's a positive or negative attention, it doesn't matter. It's getting the need met that matters. And so over time, children learn that whining works fundamentally.

4:26 And it's not that they're trying to be, you know, mischievous or they're up to no good. It's just that we're humans and humans are extremely adaptive and resilient. And so we pick up on what behavior works and what behavior doesn't work. I also want to address the fact that, you know, because this mom said this kind of comes in stages. Children's brains are growing at an incredible rate, especially in the first five years. So it's not uncommon to experience sleep regressions and other regressions, like behavioral regressions of, let's say, whining, for example, because they are trying to learn a new skill, right?

5:07 Their brain is in constructive mode and they are learning and having a new developmental leap. And so they will regress in other skills that they've learned, whether it's Potty training, speech, behaviorally, sleep, whatever it is. Right? They'll commonly regress in another behavior as they learn new things. So just keep that in mind and we. I'm happy to do another video about developmental leaps because it's really important to keep in mind, especially if you notice these things come in waves.

5:36 Okay, so what in the heck do we do in the moment? Let's get practical here. Step one. And step one. This will always be step one is to. To regulate our emotions. Again, nothing is more triggering than whining. So we have to know that about ourselves, right? If we get very triggered by whining, we need to recognize that and have a plan for what we're going to do in that moment to stay calm. And again, I'm going to talk about this in great more length in the class and answer your questions when it comes to regulating our own emotions as parents.

6:08 But this is step one. So sometimes it's helpful for some people to have mantras, right? This is not an emergency. I can stay calm here. My child needs me. Whatever you need to say to yourself, mantras are often helpful. Taking a deep breath is often helpful. Stepping away and taking a break and getting some space is commonly what is necessary so that we can get some perspective and we can regulate our emotions. Because it's going to be very hard to help our child regulate their emotions if we are dysregulated ourselves, right?

6:43 Dysregulated adults can't regulate children. So remember that and keep step one in mind. Right? We have to first calm our bodies before we can show up in the moment the way that we want to without yelling and screaming and whining ourselves, which I totally get. We're not going to be. We're not going to be perfect at this, okay? So I'm not. Not asking you to reach for perfection, but I want you to work on regulating yourself before you show up in the moment with your child.

7:15 Step number two is to identify their unmet needs. I want you to be thinking about in the back of your mind, maybe as you're even trying to regulate yourself, because this helps, right? It helps to step back from the behavior and see beyond the behavior to, okay, what is my child trying to tell me in this moment? What is this behavior showing me? What is there maybe possible unmet need? Are they tired? Do they need a snack?

7:40 Do need some snuggle time? Do they need me to get down on the floor and play with them? What's going on right now and how can I best help my child Meet their unmet needs, because that's commonly what it comes down to. It's either an unmet need or it's a lagging skill, meaning they don't have the skill to deal in that moment and they need our help and support and guidance to learn the skill, or they have an unmet need, or they have a combination of.

8:08 Of both. So in the back of your mind, you're thinking about the unmet need or the lagging skill in that situation. And then step number three is depending on their regulation and you know how dysregulated they are. You know, there's levels to this, right? There's that, oh, I'm. I'm regulated, but I'm, you know, I'm not regulated. Because no child is perfectly regulated when they are resorting to whining. But I'm just saying it's on a continuum. So depending on how dysregulated they are and their speaking abilities, you can help them learn how to use their words right in that moment.

8:44 And so you can say something like, you know, I really want to help you, but it's hard for me to understand what you're trying to tell me when you use that voice. So let's have a redo. You can say something like, snack, please, and then pause and encourage. You know, pause and let them say the word back. Or if they stay silent or they continue to whine, you can say something like. Like when you say snack, please, then I would be happy to get you a snack.

9:11 Pause and let them try to say, snack, please. So there's two things that might happen. Either that dysregulates them more, and they're like, right? And then that's your cue to help them regulate their emotions a little bit more. Right? They're not at that place to start talking. And so you come in close, read their cues. Some kids don't want you to come in close when they're feeling dysregulated. So you'll either come in close or you won't.

9:38 But basically, what you're going to convey to them is that, I see you, I hear you. It's okay to feel frustrated. I get it. We'll get through this moment together. Feelings come and go, and, you know, I'm gonna wait, but I'm gonna wait in this moment. I'm not gonna rush to fix this situation, because I know that this is a teaching moment for all of us. So either one, they become more dysregulated when you prompt them.

10:02 Then you take a step back Regulate your emotions because you're going to get triggered in that moment. You're like, oh, my gosh, I watched this video. Dr. Jasmine, it's not working. I'm getting frustrated right now. So go back to step one and, and also help them regulate their emotions. Or optimally, they will, in that moment say, snack, please. And then you pounce on that. Thank you so much for using your words so I can help you.

10:26 I understand that you want to snack over hungry, blah, blah, blah. Go back to reconnecting, but lead with thank you for, you know, using your words. That's how I'm going to be able to help you. That is a powerful teaching moment that we need to do over and over and over again. Our child will give us lots of practice for this, right? Both our teaching moment to stay calm, but they're teaching moment to use their words to get what they need.

10:51 That's basically what we're teaching them is it's okay to feel frustrated. It's okay to get overwhelmed. We all have it and we can use our words to get what. What we need. Right? Because we want to shape our child's behavior to go to this. Now, a big part of shaping this behavior is being responsive when they do use their words. Right? Because they're gonna learn, oh, words don't work because my mom or dad are. They're not listening to me.

11:20 They're not taking me seriously. And sometimes we can't always meet their need in the moment, but we always, or we want to try to always recognize that they verbalize something that they need and table it if we need to. Right? Oh, thanks for letting me know that. Give me one second. Let me wrap up the dishes, and I'll be right with you to get you the snack. Right? We want to use our. Use our language back at them to let them know that we recognize that they're trying to tell us something or that they need something, but we want.

11:49 And we want to validate that, that even if we can't always meet that need in the moment. Okay. Because again, that's going to shape the behavior of them using their words to let us know what they need or want. Now sometimes they're going to want something and we won't be able to give it to them, and that's okay, too. We still recognize it. Right? Thanks for letting me know. You want that or, oh, that candy bar looks so yummy.

12:11 Let's make a plan to have it later or, you know, this is why we can't have that right now. Thanks for understanding. I get it. It's hard, right? Whatever. Every situation is so different. But I hope that these examples are helpful for you. And a word about consistency, right? Is that this takes a lot of consistency. Again, this is a muscle that we are building. So it's going to take a lot of repetition, right? Learning comes through repetition.

12:36 And so we have to practice with them. We have to coach them through these moments. We have to put up a boundary of, hey, I need you to say this so that we can learn how we're going to communicate with each other, right? Because whining is not how we communicate. I understand why you're doing it. I understand you're overwhelmed. I'm going to help you regulate your emotions so that you can learn to communicate with your words, so that everybody can understand each other, right?

13:04 So that we're all on the same page. So this process takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of patience, especially on our part, and a lot of trust in the process. And remember, we won't always be able to meet their want or their need in that moment. And that's okay, right? For example, they might be whining because they want more screen time, which actually just happened to us the other day, right? Where my oldest got really frustrated when it was time to turn off her iPad, right?

13:35 And I even was like, you know, baby, I think we need to work on this. Maybe we need to work on not having our iPad as much, because I notice that you get really frustrated when it's time to turn off the iPad. And she said. She looked at me and she said so wisely, mom, it's okay for me to get frustrated, right? She said something like. She just said something like, I need to feel my feelings or something.

13:55 And I was like, oh, you know what? You're right. I take that back. You are totally, totally right. You need to feel frustrated in that moment, and that's okay. I need to take my deep breaths, right? As the adult in the relationship, I need to work on calming. So I say that all to say that this is a process, this is a journey. None of us are gonna get this right all the time. I don't get this right all the time.

14:16 But we have to be consistent and we just have to trust that our child will get better at the set time and trust our boundary, right? If we've said no screen time, we've said no screen time. And it's okay for them to feel frustrated, and that doesn't mean that we necessarily change our boundary. Of course, every situation is different, but overall, it doesn't necessarily mean we change our boundary. So things to do outside of the moment, right, because we teach inside the moment.

14:43 But a lot of the teaching is going to come outside of the moment in everyday life. You guys know I'm a huge fan of books. So I have two book hauls that I think you should check out. I have a book book haul on feelings. So helping your child identify feelings, that's the first step in emotional regulation and helping just to normalize feelings. So check out that book haul. I also have a book haul directly focused on anger management, so dealing with the emotion of anger and frustration.

15:12 And so there's several books in that haul that do a wonderful job of normalizing the feeling and then teaching your child different tools to help them through the feeling. So definitely check out that book haul as well again. And also encourage the opposite behavior. What I mean by this is when you notice those moments when they are calm, right? When they are regulated in using their words, pounce on that. Acknowledge their effort, acknowledge what they have done and appreciate it.

15:44 That will also help shape. Shape the behavior and give conditional yeses when you can. What I mean by this is say they're asking for more screen time instead of saying no, right? We can't, you know, we can't have screen time. You can give. You can make a plan for the future, right? Oh, I understand. You know, you want more screen time. Let's plan to have more screen time tomorrow or after dinner or whatever it is. So we want to kind of shift our nose to instead making plans, because that just helps them feel a little bit more secure, feel like the world is predictable, feel like they have some control and they know what's coming next.

16:23 So again, use books to normalize the feeling and educate and keep that conversation going. Pounce on the opposite behavior by recognizing and acknowledging it, and then make a plan when you need to say no. So instead of saying no, make a plan. Overall, I hope that this video was helpful. I hope it gave you some ideas of what to try out next. And again, if you're watching this live, I will be teaching a live class that will go in far more depth onto how do we handle intense emotions, both within ourselves as parents, but also how do we help our child through their intense emotions, emotions.

17:03 So be sure to check out the links in the description or go to themompsychologist. Com masterclass. And until next time, take care, my friends. I'll see you in the next video. Bye.