Arthur Brooks: Every Husband Has 2 Jobs

0:01 Fundamentally, there's one big thing that men makes them happy in their marriage, and that's being admired by their wives. And there's one big thing that women really need in a marriage, and that's to be adored by their husbands. And that's the adoration, admiration, dichotomy. Now, that's not every single person because you can't you can't >> unpack that for me. So, and and what what those mean what those two things mean that are different than each other.

0:26 What it comes down to is that Lisa needs to hear from you. I would fight a tiger with my hands for you and only you. And you need to hear from Lisa. That is the biggest gazelle that anybody has ever dragged into this cave. You are so big and strong that's going to feed our family for two weeks. >> That's the se and and again there's more to it than that. You have to be nice and and this rings true. This rings true >> of course >> and this mutual respect is table stakes.

0:56 Respect one another. Love one another. But the manifestation of respect and love is different >> between men and women. And that's the beauty of it. That's why it's man that's why it's fun. That's why it's so awesome, right? Is what it comes down to. And these aren't that doesn't mean that every single person, every single man is the same way and every single woman is the same way and you know and some men would prefer to be with men and some women prefer to be with women. I get it. the multiplicity of the human experience and the variety, human difference, human diversity actually exists. All I'm talking about is in the main we're evolved. We're evolved because we're still animals and our our brains have been evolved and they're still the same kind of as they were in the early place >> 250,000 years ago. And that's an example of that. And to the extent that we understand those tendencies, we're going to do a lot better and be a lot happier.

1:43 One of the things that I think has um contributed maybe singularly to the the the discomforting of our times to me is like it's we we're like in an increasingly disembodied times. >> Yeah. >> We spend a lot of time in a disembodied state connecting through these thin these screens and we're like playing an avatar video game. >> Yeah. So this is a form ofnosticism fundamentally. Nosticism is that the body isn't real and the soul is the only real thing and you are living kind of a technologically mediatednostic cult if you're in a if you're living in a in a simulation which we are. You know, you remember in 1999 when the when the Matrix came out and it was crazy, man. I mean, it's like the >> I just rewatched The Matrix this year.

2:36 >> It's a super good movie. It's a super good movie. But here's the thing. >> It wasn't science fiction. It was prediction. It was a an AI. And the AI was actually using human energy to fuel itself. And the way that it did that was by keeping humans pacified by putting them in these pods, running a simulation that was pleasant, a simulation of life, >> but not too pleasant. Remember, it had to be just broken enough for us not to reject. It had to be so realistic that the year was $21.99 and everybody in the movie thought they were in 1999, which is the year that the actual movie was made. I mean, it's if you spend if you go to work on Zoom and you date on apps and your friends are on social media and you get your sense of achievement from gaming, you're living in the matrix.

3:23 You're living in the matrix. And that's the problem because there's a lot that you can simulate, but the one thing you can't simulate is the meaning of your life. That explains the explosion of depression, anxiety in our in our in our world. So, let's start digging into this. Let's um let's start walking through your prescription with especially with the lens on our boys. Yeah. I mean, obviously our girls our girls have a lot I think our our girls we get to our girls through our boys in in in in a lot of ways. Um because one of the things that's been so one of the things that I've >> I feel like I've actually like been able to escape is I didn't I I I've met my wife at work before these before the apps >> in the before times.

4:04 >> It was the before times >> and then and then my son was born I was 28 years old and and it was like I was like it like all I had the old the old way life. Yeah. >> Um, but our I think all the old ways architecture is still there in the sense that like on average women want to be with a man who's capable and is probably like >> that she admires, >> right? And and what are what are going to be the markers of admiration? They're going to be a bunch of things that if you haven't done them, you've you've you've really reduced the pool. Like if you're not as well educated for better or worse, >> there's no good resource cues. There's no good commitment cues. The two things are commitment and resources that make you admirable fundamentally because those are a mark of your moral impeccability, your character, your stick tuitiveness, your ability to work hard, your ability and willingness to actually stay with something. That's those are discerned through commitment.

5:00 Commitment to you through thick and thin, baby. And and through resources, which is your ability to post day after day after day is what it comes down to. So I tell guys, look, the secret, you got two jobs. You got two jobs. Adore her and be admirable. Those are your two jobs. That's it. Well, what if I don't feel it? I don't care. Adore her and be admirable. Easy. It's actually not easy. It's simple. Yeah, >> it's simple. Cuz we're simple, right? We dudes, we're simple. Do the simple thing. And what does it mean to be admirable? Figure it out. You kind of know. Figure it out. Being a liar, being lazy, these are not admirable things.

5:41 Not sticking up for your beliefs. Not admirable. You know, not not being loyal, completely impeccably loyal to your wife, the mother of your children. Not admirable. Everybody knows that. That's a really important thing. Okay. What does it mean to adore her? You know that, too. You know what that means to actually do that. And to to transcend your emotions and to decide to adore somebody and to to be that person on whom you lay your eyes as you take your dying breath.

6:10 That's that's like that's that's it. That's the meaning. That's how we find meaning. >> I think one of the things that's been you you're you were mentioning your boys and that you're a grandfather. I think in both cases your both your sons are well below what is now the median age for becoming fathers. >> They they got married at 22 and 23 and have their first sons at 23 and 24. But I think for a lot of young guys and girls, >> um you you've jumped ahead to how to treat your wife.

6:40 >> Yeah. >> But this is the big thing, man. You want to raise good boys, love their mom. It's funny. People ask me all the time. Um how do I raise my kids in the faith? So my my observant Jewish friends ask me this, my Muslim friends ask me this. A lot of Catholics ask me this because so many people have fallen away. I mean, Pew says that 840 Catholics leave the Catholic Church for every hundred who enter. It's it's a it's John is catastrophic. Okay. So, how do I what do I do to make sure that my kid is not one of those 840?

7:11 And there's an answer. The answer has nothing to do with what you tell your kid. Nothing. You could talk to your kid in a foreign language. All that matters is what he sees. And there's a ton of research on this. Um but but it's interesting because when I was a little boy, um my dad was the biggest human I'd ever seen. I mean, he was like 6'2 and, you know, he he probably weighed 3,000 lbs. I don't know. He's like, and and I remember asking my brother, my my brother Jeff, do you think dad could lift the corner of the house?

7:44 >> What a great little boy thing to think about. >> Like, now it's like I realize he was a math professor. He couldn't. Anyway, so and uh and but and and my dad would have never been on his knees in front of another man. Never. Never. Never never never. But he was on his knees by the side of my bed every single night. That's what it meant to be a man is to bow in humility before a greater force than him. That's what it meant to be a strong man was to acknowledge the Lord.

8:12 That's what it meant. You want your kids to grow up and be religious, be religious. You want your kids to grow up and not be a drunk, never see have them see you drunk. You want them to grow up and be honest, never have them see you lie to anybody under any circumstances, no matter what the cost. That's it. That's what it comes down to. Do you want them to be as happy as they can possibly be? What's the number one predictor of that? A happy marriage.

8:35 >> So therefore, do you want your kids to have a happy marriage? >> Never have them seeing not you not loving their mom. >> Adore her. >> You know, um you've written and talked about um contempt >> and the role of contempt in destroying relationships. talk about that because it's really important and it's something that you know I'm now over 20 years married. I mean how long have you you and 34 >> Yeah. You guys have a great relationship.

9:06 >> Um >> we're blessed with that. We're blessed with a a highly contentious and blissfully happy marriage. She's Spanish. >> Yeah. >> Like fighting is a form of basic communication. >> I I'm actually surprised how little I actually fight with Lisa considering that we're both Italian and and like can be fiery. And it's not never, >> but it's not that often, >> but when it is, it's explosive. Um, so, so, so, >> so what what what >> what's the secret? How do you, how do you keep a a marriage alive?

9:37 >> So, you asked first about this idea of contempt and the the idea of contempt, or at least it's end of the modern vernacular from, you know, the great John and Julie Gottman. They run the Gottman marriage lab at the University of Washington in Seattle. And they've brought thousands of couples back together again who are on the brink of divorce. This guy's a hero. John Gottman is anybody who can keep mom and dad together. >> Yeah.

10:00 >> Is a hero. You know, not every marriage can be saved. I got it. >> But that's like multigenerational savior that you've done. >> It's just unbelievable how good. So, and his number one thing that he talks about is avoiding this complex negative emotion called contempt. Now there's basic negative emotions. This sort of goes back to emotions 101. There's four basic negative emotions. Fear, anger, disgust, and sadness. >> Those are the fear. Anger, disgust, and sadness. And we all have them. And we we people feel like special unique emotional flowers. We're all the same.

10:33 It's like we all have the same kitchen with the same appliances and ingredients and we figure out what to make in our kitchen, but we're all equipped in the same way because emotions are a biological phenomenon. They're produced in the lyic system of the brain to give you an alert to, as I mentioned before, threats and opportunities. And when you are experiencing anger, disgust, sadness, and fear, it means that you have ascertained a threat that you should avoid. That's why you have a specific negative emotion that's being produced in a specific part of your lyic system. you you're feeling fear or anger. That's the amygdala primarily at different parts of the brain as well.

11:09 The sadness is the dorsal anterior singulate cortex which is this fear of loss. It's this loss. It's this aversion that we have to loss. If you're feeling uh the um other parts of the brain affect different emotions. But my point is that basically these exist for a as a there's a biological motive that these things exist. That's important for us to understand. Now there's complex negative emotions as well where you mix a couple of them. Okay?

11:33 >> And the most dangerous in human relations is called contempt which is a mix of disgust and anger. Anger and disgust. Anger is a hot emotion that's actually not correlated with divorce. Thank God or I wouldn't be married 34 years. >> So getting hot and screaming and getting like angry >> is not correlated with divorce. Only if you actually insult and inject the other negative emotion of disgust. Disgust is a signal of a pathogen that might kill you. The insula, the insular cortex in the brain mediates disgust. It makes you say, "That smells dead. That looks rotten. That blood, whatever it happens to be, it makes you feel disgusted because you're evolved before the advent of vaccines and antibiotics." Obviously, >> to avoid certain things. Your disgust reflexes saved you again and again and again from eating something that's rotten, you know, having bacteria give you sepsis and die. That's what it comes down to. You should never deploy it against another human being. But of course, demagogic leaders use disgust all the time. The Nazis refers to the Jews as rats for a reason. The Hoous call the Totsis cockroaches for a reason. And and your favorite politician, whoever he or she happens to be, everybody watching us will refer to the other side as disgusting. And when they're doing it, they're trying to stimulate your insular cortex to give you a disgust reflex that will hijack everything else because you'll get you you'll panic. You'll panic. will dehumanize people immediately if you reduce them to the level of a pathogen.

12:59 Now imagine mixing that with anger. That's contempt. That turns it ice cold. And that's what people do to each other all the time. Even loved ones. John Gottman shows that the the predictor of people getting divorced who love each other is eye rolling. When they and because eye rolling is like that's contempt. Sarcasm is contempt. Derision is contempt. That's dismissal is contempt. And that's a big predictor of how couples are going to fall apart is treating each other with contempt. And that's a that's a habit of communication. And so the key thing is interestingly, as Godman shows and many other um many other social psychologists have shown in their research that actually couples still love each other, but they think the other one hates them.

13:46 That's called motive attribution asymmetry where I love you but I think you hate me and you love me but think I hate you. >> It's like a collective illusion. >> It's a collective illusion. It it really it's kind of like yeah Todd Rose's collective illusion but at the level of a of a couple, right, which is a really interesting phenomenon because it's based on an error. So if you can retrain yourself to actually say actually I love you.

14:08 >> The problem is I don't think you love me. And you say no actually I love you and I thought you didn't love me. This is how you repair couples that are on the rocks and have a really really bad communication set of habits. One of the things that um that I think has been lost or is just not prioritized in our culture. What is your advice for the young man who feels like the society is turned against him and and actually has a point, >> right?

14:43 >> He is, >> as we sit here, he's >> 20 years old. >> Um maybe he's 24. >> He was in middle school during me too, right? >> His teacher came to class wearing a future is female when he's 10. Um the contempt I can't I I felt a little bit of contempt there. I get it happened and it's just like he's he's 10. Um but you know and then he proceeded to have all these experiences in like the peak woke reign of terror time and now he sits here.

15:14 >> Yeah. >> And is like he he's he's there to he he doesn't know where to go. >> He's and you don't want him to get red pill or black pill or whatever it is. Right. I don't know what color pill. And the dad in me, the like boomer, like I'm not a boomer, but I get called a boomer. It's fine. But the boomer dad in me is like, I just want him to find a mate. I just want him to be happy.

15:37 >> No, there's, you know, these simple creatures that are males. Um, there's kind of two things that he needs. He needs he needs a metaphysical relationship with the divine. And he needs somebody who will love him and take care of him, that he can love and take care of. That's what he needs. He needs a a woman who will be the love of his life, who will be his soulmate, and he needs a relationship with God. That's what he needs. And that's what we need to encourage young men to do. And and the only way you're going to do that is by getting out of the matrix. You will not do that. Why? And here's why.

16:10 Neurobiologically, the matrix engages the left side of your brain. Real life with mystery and meaning engages the right side of your brain. The right side of your brain asks why questions that can't be answered by AI or type typed into a Google search bar like why am I alive for what would I give my life? Those are right hemisphere questions. The matrix is all about keeping you in the left hemisphere. That's what's going on. And that young man needs to get into the right hemisphere of his brain. He the way he's going to do that is by asking deep questions. He's going to do that by falling in love and having his heart broken and trying again. Those are mysterious experiences. He's going to do that by by experiencing the his relationship with God and serving other people. He's going to do that by finding his calling in his work. He's going to do that by experiencing real beauty probably for the first time. And he's going to do that, you know, he's going to do that the most by suffering and not being told that his suffering is evidence that something's wrong with him. And actually, it's funny because um and what I mean by that is it's so clear now. It's like we've run the experiment of just living in pure comfort.

17:20 >> Yeah. >> Like it is the matrix problem. It's like like >> it's pacified with a kind of a counterfeit experience. That's it's okay. It passes the time and you get more depressed and more anxious and more lonely because John, there's one thing you can't simulate and that's the meaning of your life. You can't simulate the meaning of your life. You have to live the meaning of your life. You can't even solve the meaning of your life. You can only understand the meaning of your life.

17:47 It's interesting because you know the the language centers of our brain for about 97% of people are in the left cortex, the left side of the brain. The Broca's area and the Warick's area of the brain are where you process where you pronounce and understand language. the where you the the why questions why like if so and I'll give you an example of how the right brain and left brain process this different I say why do you love Lisa yeah and anything you tell me now is going to sound trit because you've tried to process that rightrain profundity with a leftrain triviality >> well and this is one of the things too about like the idea of I have to think about this for a second.

18:37 Love is really weird. >> Love is a right brain experience. Love is something that is weird because it's real, but you can't nail it down. See, the most it's interesting because in in math, you know, my my father was a mathematician and we used to talk about the difference between complicated and complex problems. Complicated problems are those that are really hard to solve, >> lots of parts, >> but they're Yeah. Complex problems are easy to understand and impossible to solve. So a football game is a complex problem. It's very easy to understand.

19:05 One point, you know, the the Seahawks get 31 points and the and the the Cowboys get 24 points and and so the Seahawks win. >> You don't know what's going to happen, which means you can't simulate it. And that's the reason that you watch it because it's exciting. It's a complex experience. Your toaster is complicated. Your cat is complex. That's why you love your cat but don't love your toaster. your your company, the way that it works, the the P&L of your company is complicated, but your marriage is complex. All of the things that really are most important to you are are a complex experiences which are mediated in the right hemisphere of the brain. My marriage is incredibly complex. Meaning, I will never solve it. I I mean, I'm going to be married for, God willing, 60 years. I will never never solve my marriage. I mean, Esther loves me. I talked to her right before we started shooting and she says, "Hey, tell John to say hi." And she says, "I love you and I'm going to call her after we're done and she might be like pissed at me.

20:01 I John, I don't know. I don't know." >> Again, with the Spanish. >> Well, I mean, that's makes it more complex, truly. But but that's why I love my marriage is because it's not something I can solve. It's not an equation that I can solve. It's something that I have to live. It's a living thing that's mysterious. It's in the mysterious side of my brain. It's and and when you fuse one flesh as we talk about it in the Bible, people sort of interpret that as as you know sexual or something. No, one flesh between husband and wife is a fusion of the right hemispheres of the brain where together they make an antenna like a like a nuclear sub with two keys to launch the missiles. It's an antenna to God. That's why, by the way, the most intimate thing that you can do with your wife has nothing to do with sex. It's praying together. That's the most intimate thing. I talked to couples who are super religious and they've been married 50 years and they don't pray in front of each other because it's too embarrassing. It's so f you know I got a giant smile on my face and the reason is for the entirety of my relationship with Lisa her the thing that she is always saying is that she wants to smush heads with me.

21:08 >> That's what she means. She's just like, I just wish like like she desires a closeness and I'm kind of cerebral, but I'm not totally cerebral. >> But it's just so funny that you say, >> "Here's how you do it. Here's how you do the be the head smoosh. Here's what she wants cuz there's no words for it exactly, but let's get to the biology of how to do this of how to adore her better." >> Yeah. This is going to be this is some tools that will be helpful today.

21:32 >> Yeah. Yeah. So, this is selfish time. >> Yeah. So, there's basically four things that would save most marriages. Number one is you need to have more fun together. Most couples don't have when they're especially on the rocks, they don't have fun together. They go to therapy and in therapy that's like, "Okay, let's go over the grievances again." It's like it's like dirt in a glass of water and you're mixing it up and mixing it up and you can't get it out when it's all mixed up in there, right? What you need to do is let it settle to the bottom and then just pour a bucket of water into the glass and the and all the dirt will come out spontaneously. have more fun, more positive emotion together. Second, pray together because you need this satellite uplink to God. You need to actually meld the right hemispheres of your brain.

22:14 Number three, complete eye contact every time you're talking. This is what she wants. Go to bed 10 minutes before you usually do and you lie there and you you talk to each other and you're staring into her eyes. Now, women get three times as much oxytocin as men. Women's brains produce three times as much oxytocin. What that means is that they're better at bonding, but it also means they're better at starving. That they'll starve because their oxytocin needs won't be met. And the best way for you to starve your wife and screw up your marriage is not looking at her in the eyes.

22:48 >> That's that's a really good tip. >> And you just like and you're lying in bed and you're facing each other and you're on the pillow and you're having a conversation. I don't care if you're talking about her muffin recipe. >> You're staring at her in the eyes and you're filling her up. you're filling her up with the oxytocin that she needs, which is a gift from God. It's a gift, a neurobiological gift from God. Now, this the fourth thing is to is ABT. Always be touching. If you're together, you're touching. Part of that is that men really need to be touched. Really need that touch. You know, when you're walking with your wife and she you're you're downtown, right, and you're it's kind of cold and and and she hooks her arm in yours.

23:29 You know that feeling? And they don't know why we love that so much. >> You know, I think I have something wrong with me because I actually get I' I've gotten better at this. I' I've been kind of off not great about touch. >> Really? >> Yeah. I don't I don't know why >> men ordinarily and and and some people some researchers think that it's because men get more m more vasopressin than oxytocin. And women get more oxytocin.

23:53 Men get some men get more vasopressin which makes you loyal and feel strong. And one of the ways that women do that is by holding on to your arm. That's one of the ways that they actually do that. So women need to know do that more. And when you're in bed and you're gazing into each other's eyes, just hold hands. >> Yeah. >> And it's just this is the, you know, it's funny because we're not gnostics.

24:14 You and I, we're Christians. And and Christians believe that it's body and soul, man. It's body and soul. That your body is an incredibly holy thing, which is why you don't fill it up with garbage and take drugs. That's a sinful thing to do because that's a gift from God as well. And we're we're fused in this life between our bodies and our souls. That's that's our belief. And to to to suggest anything else is heretical actually. But that means that that we have an experience of the divine in our bodies.

24:44 And and that's understanding neurobiology and the neurobiology of romantic love is critically important for us to even in a religious sense get the divine experience. I think that is our that is our lot that we deserve and we need. >> If you like this clip, we've got so much more where that came from. So, be sure to hit that like button, subscribe to the channel, and ring the bell so you won't miss our new videos as they come out each week.