What to do when my kids fight all the time - Connected Families Podcast Episode #4

0:01 [Music] welcome to the connected families podcast your listening guide to parenting with peace and connection i'm stacey bellward here with co-founder of connected families jim jackson welcome to today's episode of the connected families podcast welcome jim welcome stacy yeah we're in the middle of our 10-part series on what should i do when and we've covered all sorts of different topics we still have some to do

0:31 but topics such as what should i do when my child won't calm down what should i do when my child hits me what should i do when my child wants to quit their music lesson all sorts of things that parents are dealing with each day what should i do when my kids won't stop fighting with each other we're gonna talk about that today well what do you know that's today's topic and lynn and i did a course about this

0:56 some time back so guess who we've welcomed as connected family's special staff guest today well hello everybody hi lynn and we're glad to have you back with us we do have an online course on this topic don't we it's true we do yeah we have a lot more to say than we have time in this podcast but let's see if we can give folks 20 minutes or so of wisdom and knowledge that'll help them yeah in their relationships with their

1:19 kiddos to to raise the kind of kids that that in the big picture of things get along and are respectful and honoring and know how to resolve conflict yeah because we know there's conflict don't we yeah the weather there isn't most families lin and i course we don't what lynn's laughing jim something new sometimes i think the older we get as we revert to some of those deeply held frameworks that god has still got to work on in us

1:46 our conflicts continue to emerge i just don't get it but we love each other more all the time yeah well welcome welcome lynn you know we start each episode with a quick answer for the for the parent that's in the car for 10 minutes and they can't get the whole 20 minutes we want to give them something they can use right now so if the question was and it is today what should i do when my kids fight what

2:08 would your quick 30-second answer be for that person it would be to quickly calm yourself first take that extra breath that'll serve you well in the long run then enter with confidence and empathy for both kids both kids underlined both empathy for both empathy for both and then coach them toward their own solution so you mean it's not always the oldest child's fault correct as much as we might want to pin the blame on that poor little boy that was

2:38 that was i'd hear the fighting off in the distance and i immediately would know what happened without having seen a thing yeah and i'd have the verdict before i even rounded the corner yeah that didn't usually go well for me or for this we we round the corner armed with two pistols full of our judgments about that one child and it spirals down from there so calm ourselves take a step back you know that's that's a hard

3:04 one these kids are fighting they're mistreating each other they're using harsh words i should stop this right away shouldn't i well if you do then what did the kids learn well i suppose they learned that um i have to stop it right away in order for it to stop right they're dependent on you they learn they have no skills they learn they have no power how young or old i guess is the case may be ought children be before we start

3:31 teaching them the principles we're about to talk about uh well our daughter was about a year and a half when we started i remember that it was like a visual image in my mind of daniel was this big powerful person and so in conflict my initial approach was to go in and try to squash him with my big power to get him down on bethany's level but really it was reverse of that it's like let him speak for himself

3:56 and let me strengthen her and elevate her to a level playing field with him are you talking about she was one and a half at the time she was like 18 and it was simple 18 months she was 18. she was 18 yeah and at 18 years old just before she went to college we had a crash course on conflict resolution no she was 18 months so this this information is for everyone at every age is that what you're saying yes

4:22 just think in terms of how can i lift the weaker child up to be on a level playing field with a stronger child okay and that's an encouraging job versus i have to squash this aggressive older child put him in his place uh in order to bring peace and it's not peace which even with the 18 month old reinforces that she's a victim and helpless and can't take care of herself and so we knew right away with bethany

4:45 let's figure out a way to give her a voice and she didn't have hardly a vocabulary but it's like i'm sad yeah so hold up a minute because i'm kind of like what she was 18 months old and how old was daniel so we can set the stage like four right three three and a half three and a half yeah three and a half or four she was 18 months a year and a half you got to just stop right there give us

5:06 a few things how did you teach an 18 month old i had done a lot of conflict resolution before that which was just come in and power over daniel and tell him all the things he was doing wrong and give him a consequence and then she just stands there and cries helplessly with big puppy dog tears and the whole dynamic was really unhealthy yeah and she might have been closer to two i mean who can remember back that

5:32 year but she was young and because i remember how i would do it would be to rush in instead of glaring at daniel which was my initial response i'd just go in i'd pick her up she's usually in tears by now because he's whacked her so i go in i pick her up and comfort her that calms me down because i'm in comfort mode not confrontation mode then i just start giving her really simple word choices

5:55 yeah bethany are you sad or mad i said you know yeah or i'm mad usually it was i said because she was more of a victim mentality and then i said oh okay you can tell daniel that so she's looking at me he's looking at both of us and he's mad and defensive and then i just okay you can tell daniel that daniel i said so it was that level where we started and sometimes even far beyond that i would go

6:24 back to default of rushing in like the angry bull daniel what are you doing there and i'd grab them by the shoulders and then go that was stupid and didn't get me anywhere but that was that was sort of the rudiments that started when she was under two yeah i was giving her word choices and letting her pick so it wasn't just me putting words in her mouth well and you also then with daniel would she would bethany would say i'm sad and

6:48 then you would ask daniel to repeat what he just heard bethany say how does bethany feel because of what you did and then he'd look at the floor and he'd feel you know then then his countenance would change sad maybe he was ashamed you know i don't know but little by little you know given the two of them a language to talk with each other about this so that you know as they merged even into school age right they

7:14 were they were resolving conflict kind of on their own like you guys got this or do you need some help no we'll do it yeah i remember one time sitting with a guest whom i didn't know well and the kids came in and they were arguing and they were wanting to recruit me into their conflict and mom she did this and he did that and everything and i just said okay take a deep breath go in and sit on opposite sides of our

7:36 bed which is like the demilitarized zone yeah and then just figure it out i know you can do it so just right there i'm breathing calm and peace and encouragement into the process and figure it out and solve it until you can meet in the middle for a hug yep and that was the instruction so it we we just continued the chat with this friend and then about five to eight minutes later they emerge and they're laughing and

8:02 you know kind of high-fiving and she just looks at me and her jaw drops and go how in the world did that happen yeah but it was a process of training kids that there's no shame in having an argument we're all sinners yeah we're all messed up yeah and this is just a journey to receive god's grace and learn how to resolve that conflict so we can keep our hearts connected with each other i love that i love there's a

8:26 piece that you bring to it then right as the parents you've set your anxiety aside i don't have to control the solution yeah i don't have to shame the aggressor yeah i can empower them to understand each other and solve their problem yeah yeah that's beautiful and it's you are safe with me it's the start of our our framework yeah um that we teach at connected families a lot right yeah well that's the first part of this

8:53 course we mentioned at the outset right lynn and i have have put together for everybody about sibling conflict and uh in the context of this course we teach what we call a peace process yeah it begins with the calming [Music] so but there's not much to celebrate sometimes well it really feels like that sometimes but

9:23 it's really an important piece and sometimes you know it's a messy process helping kids you know facilitating theirs they're actually solving the problem and we have lots of practical ideas in the course yeah the the celebrate at the end is still probably the most important piece besides starting kids off with that sense of safety and and love from us because whatever we put our focus on we get more of so if we look for something that went well in the

9:52 process and then celebrate it just a little something right right and the brain research shows that that actually diminishes their sense of how bad the conflict was when we can find something to celebrate it it's like it highlights their skill it fertilizes that process it encourages their hearts and so often our kids would go off and play really well together after they've had a conflict instead of like it all simmers under the surface because one feels really resentful of how the parent

10:22 dealt with it and then they come back and they just attack as soon as their parents not looking yeah so that's the cycle that happens when we come in and dominate with our big angry energy yeah as we come in as guides encouragers to help them in their process and then we celebrate whatever one little thing went better it's like yeah well there were some really big powerful words in that conversation but nobody use their hands

10:46 high five you know it's that kind of a thing yeah and there's some brain science around there i know we love bringing brain science into it right right what is that whatever we focus on we get more yeah that's really the bottom line whatever we focus on we get more of so if we instill in one child you're the bully in this house and we have that terrible label word in our mind even if we don't

11:08 say it but that's what our actions communicate then that's what's going to grow in that child we're growing that identity in that child if we look at this as conflict is really hard especially when you're talking about two developing underdeveloped yet brains yes trying to deal with context is so hard and kids are going to make tremendous mistakes but if we can just gain a little ground that's raising up people to be ambassador for god's peace

11:39 and and all three of our kids in different situations as we trained them like this have jumped into the middle of difficult situations and been peacemakers in fact one time our oldest son daniel who was in the middle of most of the conflicts in our family he was really instrumental in a big conflict in his high school between students and teachers because he kept he had learned to keep a cool head in conflict figure out how to facilitate

12:03 both sides you know find the commonalities encourage people it was really used by god in that situation i love that well then when you celebrate there's this dopamine rush right i learned that from you lynn right so absolutely we like to say what dopamine is that i want to do it again it was okay it was good right so when you get to the end of all of that conflict and and the solution and then to the

12:28 celebrate and you have that dopamine rush then maybe the conflict isn't so scary in the future then like you feel like oh we're going to get through it we're all gonna be okay yeah and we'll celebrate in the end again and it's really such a statement of grace it's like god's grace is enough for our messes we can ask for forgiveness for all the stuff that we did wrong but then we get to celebrate how he showed up in our midst how he

12:53 helped us that his grace just loves us even though we are so messy yeah it's like we didn't have to get it perfect jesus got it perfect on the cross we can celebrate the ways that he showed up and helped us through this process yeah yeah i love that i love it's the gospel the way we help our kids navigate their conflict and the reconciliation and their restoration with one another in the context of their closest

13:19 relationships is the best picture we can give them of what the gospel is about albeit very imperfect it tills the soil of their hearts it creates a hunger to know true restoration to know true reconciliation to know about repenting of what we've done wrong and going and making it right with one another and ultimately it's our job to do that with god in relationship with god so when we as parents just do this quick fix mentality for our kids conflict

13:48 don't talk to each other that way that's not okay you say you're sorry or you can't go be with your friends and we don't give them the skills to hey just understand the natural effects of how they treated another human being and the broken relationship that happened as a result of it and the work that's needed of repentance of confession of apology in order to make that that relationship at home right if we don't do that work then we just

14:13 teach them that this is an easy thing and and it's transactional and if you just say the right words and go through the motions you can go on with life yeah it's not enough to just go sorry sorry we need to put our hearts back together because that's the level that god deals with he wants our hearts connected with each other and that's such a good agenda that he's got for us yeah yeah i know you have a great little

14:34 video in the sibling conflict course like showing that visually in a way that you can teach kids that has been really powerful for people so lynn have you got a recent story of parents you've coached through sibling conflict that can kind of illustrate the steps that you're um that you're talking about here yeah i coached a couple with pretty young kids like a three or four year old boy and a five six range year old girl and taught them

15:03 how to teach their kids the peace process and it was messy and it didn't look at all textbook like you know in the course you'll kind of see a nice way to do it it was way sloppier than that but they just helped their kids learn to just express what they were feeling and kind of work it out and um and then solve it and then they celebrated every time they were done and then one time the dad who was not as

15:28 like into this yeah he was wired a little more like me i just want to solve this quickly and get on with life and i don't have a lot of time for this process stuff yeah so instead of going in as a coach he went in as a judge and he goes austin that is not okay go to the you know you treated your sister badly go to the timeout chair his sister comes to daddy and says daddy

15:47 we want to do the peace process don't send austin to timeout so so then it's just like okay what's everybody feeling how can we solve this you know and then celebrating and she just felt so good about being able to do the peace process with her uh younger brother so we calm ourselves before we can help our kids get calm then we empathize we understand so it's calm empathize understand and then

16:18 that helps our kids calm down and then from understand we go to solve when they solve it instead of going oh good i can get on with my day yeah then it's that celebrate yes because that's what fertilizes the whole process right that's that dopamine thing so that celebrate is you find some little glimmer of goodness in that whole process yeah and then we high-five and encourage kids and yeah help them to feel good about what

16:45 they're learning well kids you listened a little better that time than the last time or this time you kept your hands to yourself that's right or this time you kept your voice down yeah there were some big angry words there but you didn't hit that was awesome you guys are saying high fives all the time you know what we did in our house once what feet fives beat fives yeah let's do it it was it was you know the feet fives

17:06 both of them it was fun dance the jig or let's you know whatever it might whatever it was [Music] go get a cup of chocolate milk or something i have to ask one question as we're wrapping up here and that is um a question i remember asking you a long time ago do you do the peace process through every little conflict no because you could be doing it all day long right right so how do you you know

17:30 yeah that's a you know that's a hard question to answer if you do it for the for the really significant ones then you know you really cover in the ground sometimes kids can't do it for the really significant ones because there's so much energy there was one family that just started with sort of the safe thing their their two daughters were so volatile that it was explosive and they just started working on safety just separate instead of continuing to hit each other

17:58 just separate and we'll celebrate when you just separate it varies there's no shame in it we're all learning yeah just you know trying to figure this out together and bring god's grace to our messes amen i love the the online course the sibling conflict online course go to our show notes you're gonna get information there also our website connectedfamilies.org they can see it lots of information on the sibling conflict online course great so if you listen to this 20

18:26 minutes and you feel like you want more that's the head over there a lot more there and tons of resources on that course too extras that are added on for reconciliation and others thanks jim and lynn it has been fun we didn't even fight awesome argument over how this episode should go so score we've learned all right thanks for joining us everyone until next time thank you for joining us for this episode of the connected families

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