Need to Increase Cooperation and Listening in Kids? Try These Phrases & Tips! | The Mom Psychologist

0:00 So, figuring out how to redirect behavior in the moment can feel really tricky. And I know that we all want to be more intentional, more patient parents, but often times in the moment, if we're being real, it feels like we fall back on old habits. And so, ideally, when it comes to discipline and trying to redirect behavior, ideally we think about these things ahead of time so that we can try to be more intentional. So, in this video, I'm going to help you think more ahead of time, if you will. I'm going to be talking about, you know, the top phrases to tell your little one when you need to redirect their behavior so that you can cut back on all the yelling and punishments and threats, um, that I know you hate doing. So, before we dive into this episode, I just want to quickly share with you that I created a free 2-minute quiz to help you figure out what is your parenting style.

1:01 And then, most importantly, based on your unique style, what are some tips, some practical recommendations you can do in the moment to see better behavior and see more cooperation with your little one. So, if you want to check out that quiz, you can go to themompsychologist.com/quiz to find out your parenting style. It's a lot of fun. And again, it takes like 2 minutes to complete. So, um, let's dive into this episode. When redirecting your child's behavior, you want to fall back on one, providing them information on why it's important to redirect their behavior. Why it's important to do something different.

1:44 This is really, really important, and I think that in the moment, it we kind of lose sight of this, right? We're like, "Because I said so. Just get it done." Right? Because we're feeling uh, we're feeling more urgent, we're feeling more overwhelmed. We might be trying to meet some deadline in our head or trying to get out of the house, what have you, right? We're all often times we are multitasking as parents, which is an episode for another for for another day. But short long story short, we often fall back on forgetting that our child needs explanations, right? That they deserve to know why certain things are happening to them and happening around them. So, providing some information on why you want them to do something different is really important. It's not enough to just say, you know, "Do this because I said so." Our children really deserve to have an explanation as to why they're being asked to do something different.

2:43 So, an example, let's say that they're ripping out a flower or, you know, doing something out in nature and you're like, "Ooh, that's hurting the plants. I'd rather they not do it." You can help them understand why. So, you can say something, you know, in in language that they can understand, right? You can say, "Well, if we rip out the flower, it won't grow anymore, and it won't be able to hang out with its friends, and they would be really sad.

3:09 So, let's keep the flower right there, right? We can use gentle hands with the flower, we can look at the flower. One thing my girls love to do when they're out in nature is they have this camera, I'll link it down below if you're watching on YouTube. It is amazing. It's a um, really small, water-resistant camera. We got it as a gift. Shout out, auntie. Um, but they love it. They love taking pictures when we're out and about. And so, that can be something that you can do to redirect their behavior, like, "Oh, let's take a picture. Yes, so we can remember this cute little flower."

3:45 And it's just it's such a cute camera. I I highly recommend getting your little one a camera. Anyways, I digress. But basically, you're helping them understand why it's important to redirect their behavior, right? Or let's say, um, they're throwing toys, and you're you're finding that urge to be like, "Stop. Cut it out." Right? You can say, "Well, you know, if we throw the toys, they could break, and then we can no longer play with that toy, whatever it is, right? And that would be really sad." Right? So, basically, you're helping them think through their choices, which is a really important skill for them to learn. But for a lot of little ones, it's just not developmentally appropriate, right?

4:24 They're all about the here and now. They can't think about, "Oh, you know, what's going to happen later or what's a potential consequence for this behavior, right?" So, you're them understand that, but in non-threatening tone, right? It's not It's not ideally said in like a aggressive way. It's just, "Hey, by the way, like, this is what could happen, and this is what I need you to do, right? Please use gentle hands." And then you can model.

4:52 Um, all the while asking yourself when your child is doing these behaviors, let's say getting aggressive with the toys, like, "Why are they getting aggressive with the toys? Are they looking for attention from me? Are they feeling triggered or upset by something that happened in the environment? Are they hungry? Are they tired? Like, what is going on to spark this?" You're you know, always asking yourself that question as a parent. And I have a series coming up, actually, about aggression and anger in kids. So, be on the lookout. Make sure you subscribe to my channel, okay?

5:30 So, you don't miss out because we're going to be diving deep into anger and aggression in kids. But just, you know, asking yourself that, like, "Why now? And how can I help get their needs met in different ways, right?" Number two, way you want to approach redirecting behaviors is giving them alternative behaviors to try out, okay? So, again, it's not enough to say, "No. Stop it. Quit." Right? "Knock it off." We want to ideally give them something else that they can do. We want to replace their energy, their motives, their needs, their wants with a different, more, let's say, prosocial behavior, if you will. So, for example, if if they're touching something and you're like, "Oh my gosh, it could break." Right? You want to say, "Okay, that's delicate, right? And it can break easily. Let's go ahead and play with this instead."

6:20 Again, bring out that camera. Let's take a picture instead. Right? Let's Let's touch it this way instead. Or, um, again, let's play with Let's play with this instead. This is funner, right? I know that this looks really cool. I know that this is really enticing. You've never seen this before. Oh my goodness, right? But let's play with this instead. And also, what you might what you often need to do, especially for the little toddlers, is, uh, put those enticing, fragile things away, okay? Just put them away, okay? And so, you don't even have to redirect their behavior, right?

6:55 Because it's a lot to ask little one to fight their impulses, um, and not touch things. It's like even more enticing. You're like, they're like, "What? You don't want me to touch it? Ooh, now I really want to touch it cuz why can't I touch it?" Um, so, yeah. Or let's say they're stomping around and they're making noises and maybe even throwing things, and you're like, "Woo, if things are getting rowdy." You know, you can say something like, "I see that you want to throw. I see that you want to stomp around. Let's go play outside. Let's go outside and do that. Yes, okay. Let's run around outside." Um, so, again, just giving them when you need to redirect their behaviors, giving them an alternative is so, so important, okay?

7:37 Another thing that's really important when we need to redirect behavior is to make a plan for when they can have what they want, if possible, okay? It's not always possible, but you definitely want to lean towards this approach more often than not, as much as you can. I find myself saying this all the time as a parent. I see that you want this, let's make a plan to get what you want later, right? We can't do that just quite yet, but let's do that later, right? It's so important to acknowledge to our child that what they want or what they're expressing is important to us, right?

8:16 Because if we're constantly shooting them down, if we're constantly saying, "No, you can't do that. What do you mean you want that? No, you know we can't get that." Right? If we're constantly like shooting them down, that breaks their spirit, right? Like, nobody wants to hear no. I don't I don't know about y'all, but I don't like to hear no, okay? It feels like, um, like a rejection, right? And so, be mindful of that. If we're constantly kind of rejecting them in these small ways, that doesn't really feel like a rejection in the moment cuz in our adult brain, we're like, "I understand that you want this, but we can't do this right now, and it's overwhelming me."

8:53 Right? Cuz kids are constantly asking for things, right? So, it can feel overwhelming, and I totally understand. But just try to see it from their perspective that nobody wants to hear no, and it can feel very frustrating to constantly hear it all day long. And so, one way around it is to just make a plan, if you can. Sometimes it's not always possible, but when you can, make a plan for how they're going to get their need or want or wish, um, honored a little bit later. Um, and so, let's say they want dessert. You can say, "Oh gosh, that dessert sounds so good right now. You want a cupcake? I see them on the counter. That sounds good. Let's make a plan to have it after dinner."

9:36 Right? "Or you want to take a bath? Let's make a plan to do that after quiet time." Or whatever, right? "You want X, Y, Z." Right? So, identify, "Yes, I know this is what you want, and let's make a plan to do it later. You want to play with me? Let's make a plan to do it after I do the dishes. Would you like to join me in drying off these dishes? Um so you so see what I'm doing here? So a lot of the times we can't meet our child's demands, nor should we try to always meet their demands right in the moment. Like it's a good skill for them to learn how to wait. And you know, it it let's just be mindful of how we are delivering that no, if you will. And just trying our best to honor, you know, what they are expressing to us. Because if you think about it, more and more we want our child to express what they want and need from us or from the environment with their words, right?

10:32 Because often when they're little, they don't have the language capacity to do that. So it often looks like tantrums, it looks like whining, it looks like aggression, it looks like throwing, it looks like a lot of other things that we don't want. It looks like behavior, right? Because behavior is communication. So when they are able to say in language, "I want this. Mommy, will you play with me? Mommy, I want a cupcake. I need a snack. I need whatever it is." Right? When they're able to say that with their words, that's actually great. We want to encourage that. But if we're constantly saying no, if we're constantly ignoring them and not honoring what they're saying, then they're going to it's going to lead to behavior issues, right? So just just be mindful of that and try your best. It's not always possible, of course, but try your best to make a plan for when they can get that need met. And they might still whine and fuss and be upset and that's okay, too. And you can honor that, too. I know this is frustrating to wait. Um and then you go on about your business and get whatever you need done. And then you're like, "All right, thanks for waiting. Let's let's go play." Or whatever it is, right?

11:37 All right. And number five, number four, I'm sorry. Uh is let them know what will come next if the behavior continues. So this is like a consequence, right? Not a punishment cuz I'm letting you know ahead of time. It's just if this, then this, right? It's a consequence, right? So let's say that they're throwing their food. You can say something like, "Please eat your food or I will think you're all full and mealtime will be over, right?" That's a consequence, but it's said in a very respectful, calm, thought-out, intentional way, right? When we start throwing our food, that cues to me that you're ready to play. And totally fine, let's go play, but we're not going to play with our food.

12:23 Um so you can set parameters around the behavior in that way, right? Or please keep the water in the bath time. In the I'm sorry, please keep the water in the bath. Um if you continue to splash, then bath time will be over, right? Or please use gentle hands with your friends. If you continue to hit, then we are going to have to sit on the bench or we're going to have to go home or whatever it is, right? So you're just letting them know ahead of time what will happen if the behavior continues. There's a lot of different things you can do in the moment, you know, case by case.

12:59 Um but this is an important thing to think about and think through. Like what will happen if it continues? Because often times we're kind of flustered and then that leads to us yelling, "Stop!" RIGHT? "KNOCK IT OFF!" Because we haven't really thought about the consequence that's going to happen. And we feel powerless, we feel like it's getting out of control, nobody's listening to us. And then that leads us to do all the things that we hate, right? Which by the way, I have a free discipline workshop on how to get your child to listen to you uh without doing the things that you hate, like yelling. So definitely check out that workshop because it offers a lot of other practical tips to try in the moment. You can go to the mompsychologist.com/workshop to uh access that discipline workshop, which will also be a deeper dive into this concept. And the last one is to set clear expectations for behavior, right?

13:52 So being very clear of what you need your child to do, right? And and again, why sometimes, right? Also makes sense, right? So when you speak calmly, then I can understand you, right? It's really hard to understand you when you're using that voice. I understand that you're upset and it's always okay to be upset. It's just hard for me to understand you, right? So let's focus on calming our bodies down so that we can talk calmly to each other. You see what I did there?

14:21 You see what I did there? It's nuanced, right? We're never shutting down feelings. At the same time, I'm putting up a boundary, right? Because I can't hear you clearly when you're yelling, when you're screaming at me. And it's also making me feel flustered and overwhelmed, right? It's making my mind feel all jumbled. So let's focus on calming down and then we can talk calmly to each other, right? Cuz we're not going to be screaming at each other.

14:46 And that's the boundary that we can set. Now, of course, the younger your child is, the harder this is going to be for them when they're having all these intense emotions. But it doesn't mean it's something that you can't start to practice and give them the words that they need in those moments to communicate. Very important, too. So it's not enough to say, "Okay, speak, you know, calmly so I can hear you." But then they're they don't know what what words to say instead. So definitely want to kind of It's like a one-two punch, right? You can say XYZ, right? "Snack, please." Or whatever it is.

15:22 Um and you can say something like, "Please let me know what you need. I think you might be asking for this. Is that right?" "Oh, okay. You can say this, please." Or whatever it is, right? Or please use gentle hands or we will need to take a a break in the room together, right? Not, you know, I'm going to leave you in your room all by yourself, right? To figure it out. It's but it's you know, if we if we're continuing to have aggressive hands, then that's my cue that we need to go away from this situation and calm down together, okay? And it's not a punishment, right? It's just I'm reading the cues. I'm reading the room.

16:01 And I we need to do something differently in this moment. Um so I hope that this was helpful. I hope this gave you some ideas of ways to redirect the behavior in more respectful, intentional ways. Again, check out my free 2-minute quiz to find out your unique parenting style. And based on your parenting style, what some tips and recommendations would be. Um you can go to the mompsychologist.com/quiz to take my free 2-minute quiz. It's a lot of fun.

16:33 Um and that's it for this episode. Um and I will see you in the next one. Bye.