Supporting Your Teen with Empathy and Connection

0:00 [Music] hey everybody welcome back I'm Stacy belward the host of the connected families podcast Welcome to our community we are people committed to pursuing God's grace and truth for ourselves and then daily working to pass that Grace and Truth onto our children I'm so glad that you're here you know today is part two of a two-part conversation last week I started the conversation with Katie Wetzel and Julia rup two moms and we talked about calming

0:30 for us parents today we're moving on to tell our own stories about calming and our teens well both Katie and Julia are certified parent coaches with connected families and you can get their contact information by tapping through to the show notes okay well before I jump back into that conversation I want to be sure that you don't miss we are running a discount for a limited time on our newest online course called sensitive and intense kids it's 30% off we only do

1:02 this once a year I want to read to you this great testimonial that a parent sent into us here it is she said I appreciated the mix of science faith and daily life like isn't that just us that's connected families right there but she also said there were a lot of practical ideas and the Soul Care videos were just so lifegiving and encouraging I desperately needed did the practical help that this course provided that's

1:34 from a mom named Lissa and I want to redo one other because we've gotten some testimonials from some professionals and we just feel so honored when they take the time to send that in and so this one comes from Cari dorsy she's an occupational therapist and owner of her own Therapy Center in Intel South Carolina so you can look her up if you live in that area but she says this as a pediatric OT I know that parents play a

2:04 huge role along a child's path to progress and therapy connected families sensitive and intense course is a gold mine of Occupational Therapy insight and strategies not only does it provide education on fundamental concepts and tools in sensory integration but it goes above and beyond to assist families in building connections so parents can naturally implement strategies with a Grace filled approach Carly we're just so grateful that you

2:34 sent in that testimonial and endorsement of the course well hey everybody the course is available year round but for a few more weeks it's UND discount for less than $100 and their scholarships tap through to the show notes to our website and check out all the information I hope you register soon listen hundreds and hundreds of families have found it to be so lifegiving in parenting their precious sensitive and intense kids check it out hey Katie

3:07 Wetzel welcome back to the show hey glad to have you and Julia rup welcome again thank you so much you guys we had a great conversation in part one where we were talking about calming for parents and just the hard work you shared a lot of your stories so I would say anyone listening if you haven't heard part one go back and listen to that because it's just it's the foundation for the conversation that we're continuing on

3:37 today to talk about calming for our teens we didn't feel like we could start with calming for our teens until we had talked about calming for ourselves as parents and you know I heard a testimonial that came from one of our coaches recently and I just thought it was so perfect to start off this conversation about our teens it was a parent that had come to coaching for a few sessions four or five sessions and

4:07 the coach said to the parent I know that things felt so insurmountable to you a few months ago this parent had a middle schooler with high anxiety almost panic attacks and the coach asked what made the difference and the parents said I don't need to panic anymore I have the tools and the coach asked what would you tell yourself self three months ago and the parents said to trust trust myself trust the Lord and wait for the growth

4:37 to happen it will be okay and I just loved that story because that coaching client that parent had done the work that we talked about in part one their heart had been changed and they had found that the Lord is trustworthy they had gotten tools that that parent had gone through the sensitive and intense kids online course and received tools Katie Julia have you guys gone through the course yes it's

5:09 fabulous that was a setup because I know for sure that you have in fact I think that you guys even lead small groups in it don't you in in January and February yep yeah I've been was the moderator the first go around and so this time I'm going to try my hand at small group leading for it that's fantastic we'll have links in the show notes so that anyone could connect with either of you to get more information about you to

5:34 meet with you because I know you're both meeting with clients but let's dive into our topic today because all three of us have teenagers and this is where our hearts are just like we're excited to have this conversation Julia I'm going to start with you we discussed in part one about our own calming strategies our journey to learning to ask ourselves what's going on inside of me and correcting our belief systems so that we can show up in ways that we want and

6:05 that just brings me back to the diagram that is in the sensitive and intense course it's the road to Hope and there's two cycles the stress cycle and the healing cycle when you think about your journey asking yourself what's going on in me and you're thinking about the cycles that we can be in with our kids what do you think of that yeah I think we realize pretty soon into being with connected families that we were in

6:30 negative cycles and the same things would happen over and over again we would say something and it would escalate our our child and then we would escalate and they would escalate and seeing that diagram really opened my eyes that when I come into a disciplined situation there's really only two options that I have I can either escalate the situation with fear and anxiety control anger or I can soothe the situation and those really are my

7:01 only two options and it's up to me which is I think why we started last week with what's going on in me because I can't soothe my child if I'm not soothed if I'm not calm right but just realizing that really those were the only two options for me yeah I just remembered as you were talking about the two options Ephesians 64 which is one of the few direct instructions we have as parents which is to not provoke your children to

7:30 anger or exasperate them as it says in other translations but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord which isn't that soothing isn't the discipline of the Lord soothing and lifegiving and so we see those two options in scripture too and we have a finger pointing to which one we should work towards I mean it's soothing yes it's soothing in the sense that we know that God is for us not against us and and he is working all

7:59 things for good and it's not always it doesn't always feel soothing I would say Katie yeah right no long term right so in our minds we know it is but it's the heart behind it it's the I am for you that we know is true about the Lord and we want our kids to know is true about us as we parent them and for me so often the discipline of the Lord does come gently it comes

8:27 strong and his word pierces and convicts but it's gentle and I didn't see that side of parenting when I started and I really didn't even see God that way I did not see him as someone so when I read passages about the Lord's discipline it made me feel fearful of the Lord but now as I've seen wait a minute really taken a look at how the Lord deals with me and how he deals with Me Gently and patiently longsuffering

9:00 not he's not addressing every sin I have all the time he's he knows he's got a long journey with me right so he's patient with me and seeing that side of the Lord has helped me go oh wait a minute he is not quick to anger the Bible says he's slow to anger and he's not short on compassion the Bible says he's full of compassion and so it really began to reshape how I saw God dealt

9:25 with me which then gave me permission to say wait a minute if God is so gentle in dealing with me and so compassionate and so slow to anger I should be that way I can soothe my child it gave me permission to not have to to control my child and fix things right away and focus on every bad behavior it gave me permission to breathe and love them like God loves me Julia that was so well said

9:51 and it's the intro of every podcast that I say we are receiving God's grace and truth so that we can pass it on to our kids it's hard to pass on when you don't even feel it yourself and and that's where we're coming to calming for our teens because the way that we are passing on that Grace and Truth the way that we're passing on kind and firm and showing up in the moment can either escalate the situation which means we're

10:20 tossed into this stress cycle that's what we call it in the sensitive and intense course or we can show up in ways where we have done the work that we talked about in part one asking ourselves what's going on in me so that we can show up with you are safe with me and then we're tossed into the other cycle that sensitive and intense talks about which is the healing cycle so Katie let me ask you you know you said

10:47 in part one you've been around connected families teachings for almost 10 years so I wonder what calming and teaching our kids to Cal what has that looked like at different ages and stages so I will first preface and say it's my oldest who I would describe as both sensitive and intense and so he taught me a lot and when he entered early adolescence we knew that the teenage brain changes had begun and I learned that the brain changes happened before

11:19 the body so from the medical perspective we focused a lot on the physical changes of puberty but when I became a parent I was like there is more Happening Here something else is up and and I learned that you know the changes in the brain come first before the body so uh that helped me understand why my big feeler was all now at a whole another level and so early adolescent those pre-teen years

11:49 often defined as 9 to 13 but boys and girls are a little bit different timelines girls tend to be a couple years ahead of boys and then there's individual differences but around 9 to 13 for my son it was like right at 10 yeah it got harder and and that's when we kind of realized he had an anxiety issue outside the norm an exceptional issue with anxiety and so he needed a lot of direct support and calming I

12:15 needed more support to calm because it was more intense for all of us but he needed me more to support him he needed me to listen and Coach him through and man the framework came in handy Big Time some skills I learned through psychiatric nursing motivational interviewing helped me big time and I saw all that reflected in the space training that I did later but all that to say I was his primary support in calming he needed me especially for him

12:47 who tended towards a bit of social anxiety his friends didn't see it at church people didn't see it always got glowing reports but at home he would fall apart and I would say the next kids along the way that season of pre really brought a lot to the surface too of what was going on in them emotionally with anxiety disorders Trauma from adoption things like that then mid teenage years so like 14 15 things got a little better

13:15 I remember my son telling me about how he was feeling anxious and how he had used a strategy himself and felt better and I celebrated with him he found friends he could talk to when he was struggling and he told me about it and I celebrated for him now I'll say at first I was like oh no I didn't know you were struggling but I held that in because that was about me and then I saw my child I'm like yay

13:44 that you were able to pick up that skill yay that you have found friends that support you and and help you through that and I celebrated with them but I told them like hey you know what I know from the research is that near later teenage years some kids struggle with anxiety again so I'm so glad you're doing great now and if you do great from now until forever wonderful but if you struggle again you can tell me you know

14:08 we can work on that and sure enough not long ago he let me know he was struggling with anxiety about college and all these big decisions and all these new things he was having to figure out and even a few weeks ago told me that hey I've talked to my friends and then I talked to my leader at church and said I should talk to you okay I'm like now third in the chain but okay you know

14:34 I've been really struggling with depression and you know my friends and my leader thought it might be good for me to find a counselor to work on my coping skills can you help me find a counselor and so I said absolutely but all that to say that example of it just made me realize like I'm third down the line now and I'm tempted to see that as something wrong or something I missed but I'm realizing like no I'm still in

15:03 the the picture I'm just a part of his support Community I went from being his primary major supporter to now I'm a part of a larger community that he's developed and praise God that he is developing a supportive community that includes the church as a Christian mom like that's my greatest hope so that's the transition I've seen H is that yeah he gained some skill on his own but he expanded his Network and I still got to

15:31 be a part of that change I've seen yeah it reminds me of a podcast we did last year it was with encircled we'll have that Linked In Our show notes but it just reminds me of how parents can be involved and even you know who are the influences around our kids and facilitating various mentors or you know youth group leaders that will be good influences to our kids as they grow older and trusted places so check out

16:01 that in the show notes Julie I think that there's parents out there that are like wow my kids would not be as articulate as Katie's kids they wouldn't tell me Mom I'm having an issue you know with depression so there is this sense of parents really needing to keep their eyes open and judgments down and just really seeking the Lord about you know what are they seeing that's under the surface with their kids and and I wonder

16:28 if you have any thoughts around that yeah so after working on that first layer of what's going on in me just really starting to think what's it like to be my child what's going on in my child and it had been brought to my attention that a lot of times teenagers are like a pressure cooker and I think in the sensitive and intense course we say that kids have a backpack right and it's full of books and papers and stuff

16:52 that we don't even realize that they're carrying Rock right it's heavy and from day to day that might change and we don't always know what's in there and maybe unlike kids who might be willing to take that out with Mom and Dad I don't know I know with my situation it the pressure cooker made a lot of sense because there would just be an explosion and it would be it'd be tempting to take it personally and probably a year ago I

17:15 did and now just that understanding that okay my children are under a lot of pressure that I don't even realize and so I have to take the time to remember what was it like to be them at 15 16 17 and worrying about relationships and how I looked and and now they worry about social media and worrying about jobs and grades all these things that are on their plate so that it's been super helpful for me just to remember even if

17:42 I don't know exactly what my child is going through or what they're feeling I know that there's a lot and so there's just that Grace for my children and then also because I do have a sensitive and intense child I have never had them diagnosed with sensory issues but it's become clear over time that that they have some and there are times when they can't stand the chomping or the smells in the home or even things look Messier

18:11 to them than they really are and so when when my child comes in the door and immediately is is bothered by noises or lights or sound or smells it just kind of puts me ah something is going on in in them right H their coping mechanism and their window of Tolerance is smaller so it just it just gives me compassion to okay if we escalate tonight I definitely want to make sure I'm ready to deescalate and not take things

18:40 personally so really understanding what is going on in them being mindful of that has been also been really important in our journey I'd also say that in the sensitive and intense course it says that compassion is the key to patience a lot of time we try to muster up patience and I think kids can see it when we're not truly patient right when we're just trying to Muster that up but when we ask the question what's going on what's it

19:07 like to be them then there's a compassion there that can maybe hold on and be patient a little bit longer yeah I think the teenage years in particular in regards to your question Stacy they're just at at least my oldest because my second one does Virtual School at home so he's with me all the time but my older son the the difference was I wasn't around to see everything everything that was happening with him he was off to school and then to work

19:32 and then with friends or you know in his room and so when he would burst out have the the explosion like you said and and and it's definitely better than when he was younger but you know when I would see it his for him his face gets red that's a giveaway or he would snap really easily and yeah I would be really surprised because he just walked in the door and be like whoa what's going on

19:58 with you buddy you know instead of taking it personally of just like don't come in with that attitude don't you know just like showing some compassion for his explosion escalate the situation which would escalate and it's a boundary but I'm still GNA hold that boundary in a compassionate way like I'm holding it by bringing it up and saying hey what's going on with you and then he's quick we're very practiced at him recovering from explosions and and so yeah he does

20:27 apologize and we move forward but uh yeah I would say that's something with the teenage years it's even more of a surprise than when they're younger and I would I would say in our in our home because we're still in the middle of our journey I just want to give hope to the parents that maybe their kids aren't quick to apologize or quick to come out of fight or flight that's kind of our story we're still where we're healing

20:51 that brain right and so we're showing grace even sometimes when we're not treated the way we wish we would be treated and I think that still models what Romans 5'8 while we were still sinners Christ died for us that unconditional love that says even when you aren't showing up the way I wish you would and treating me with the respect or kindness that I wish you would I can still love you because I know in loving

21:18 you I'm modeling what it looks like and then buying that time where I'm not correcting my children for the Holy Spirit to come in and it's not it's not too unusual now after a year and a half for my child to come back and and apologize my child to come back and be like I'm really sorry I was really stressed I remember the first time that happened I remember the very first time because it was probably a year into

21:43 connected families before we we got that and it was because of the doovers we had been doing and my child did come come back and say you know I really wish I hadn't done that and I'm really sorry that's not what I want to do and I can tell you my husband and I's Jaws just just dropped because we were so amazed that that had happened and it had happened from a a pure loving heart right so that was a beautiful moment for

22:11 us but I just want to encourage parents that maybe aren't getting that respectful response now for us it was okay to put that on hold and know that as we modeled it as we modeled respect and kindness that that most likely was going to be coming back around and even if it does n really I want to show up as a parent that is honoring to the Lord that is filled with the fruit of the spirit for

22:36 myself because I am accountable to the Lord for how I speak and how I react and then I come along with what we've already said asking the Lord for his wisdom on how to Shepherd my child train my child into greater wisdom so that they can be a blessing in the world yeah I've definitely shifted my thinking of from demands on my child to invitations to my child you know all the good desires we have for our kids to honor

23:07 the god-given boundaries we have in our ability and see that as I'm inviting my child into wisdom I'm inviting my child into repair I'm creating space for them to come and know that they can receive Grace from me I mean Katie that was so huge for me in my parenting Journey with teenagers too because it's an invitation a continual invitation because especially if you have a child that that has some stress that has some trauma that has you know any anything like that

23:38 under any underlying issues and they are in fight or flight more often maybe than not or or they're quickly into fight ORF flight then they resist demands and they resist control so what does it look like to come to them with invitations for just about everything I don't know why you guys but it was you know cleaning or what are your ideas or just all sorts of different things so I I wonder Julia do you have any thoughts on that

24:08 invitations to your children right and and sometimes we have to be careful because those invitations for my my kiddo could feel like controlling so they had to truly be invitations right they had to be truly moments where I would I would ask them you know would you like to hear what I have to say about that or would you like to hear my thoughts about that and sometimes the answer was yeah and sometimes the answer was no they didn't and saying things

24:36 like you know if you ever want my help with figuring out some solutions I'd love to give you some ideas and it might be a couple days later that they come back to me but instead of me actually saying I invite you to do this or I invite you to do that for at least my kiddos that felt even too controlling so it was more along the lines of just saying hey I have some ideas and some

24:59 thoughts about that I'm thinking about all the people listening who have younger kids who are trying to look ahead and plan ahead that can start when they're younger you know my daughter my youngest is very sensitive to feeling controlled also just her personality you know sensitive intense whatever you want to call it for whatever reason and so yeah asking her like oh what do you want to do about that you know what do you think so I was thinking about that with

25:26 her and then that's evolved to you know my teenagers for me after all those years of that delicate balance of holding boundaries but also inviting them towards maturity and navigating you know what's my responsibility what's theirs now my my teens ask me for wisdom my 14-year-old would be like well I was having this issue with my little sister and this is what happened what do you think I should have done you know differently I'm like you're asking me

25:57 instead let me telling you and then the other day my teen was dealing with with a big issue with a friend around gender identity and he asked me like well I know what this and this person thinks about it what do you think about it and I didn't think I've been quiet about what I think but it was like I don't know it was a Tre moment all Treasure of him inviting me to share my opinion so

26:21 all that to say that's groundwork you can lay at any time the invitation piece and what's beautiful when they do start to return that but yeah comes from modeling like you said I think it comes from that relationship work right when we are in relationship then we have influence so keeping that relationship a big priority instead of just focusing on behavior that was a change coming to Connected families and it's a really important change we've made because we

26:50 let go of some of the behaviors to get our s calm and show compassion over time then with the relationship we had the opportunity to coach to hold responsible they want our opinions they want to hear what we have to say so we almost we get those opportunities by doing the first and second layer of the framework and being safe and having our kids know that they're love no matter what then we get that opportunity especially with

27:17 teenagers to continue to speak into their lives because when they are a pressure cooker or they've got that big backpack of rocks and it all explodes the way that we react in that moment is actually so important to get us to the place where they might ask us for our opinion or to have that relational Equity so that we can have influence in the moments that we need to have influence because we really do need to

27:45 have influence in you know all sorts of different conversations that we need to have with our kids because the Lord does tell us to teach but we want to be wise in the times when we when we speak to them and when we teach right times when they're open to hearing what we have to say so I co-wrote with Chad H the power of questions online course and I spoke at many churches around this this is

28:09 critical like the way that we interact in these ways is critical to the influence that we want to have with our teenagers when it comes to important issues you know I can remember when a book came home from the library at school and I was like I want to react I want to react big like this book you know but now how do I grow wisdom and how do I deal with that different and I remember that was maybe I don't know

28:34 that was it wasn't actually my school's library it was the public library that really makes me think about some research I did I Was preparing to talk about preens and I was looking at like what are we researched and studied about the influence parents can have on kids parents want to influence their children towards wise Behavior right that's the good goal we all have yet obviously we're not all getting there so when I looked at the research two things that

29:04 stood out to me that fall right in line with the framework was one when they looked at all kinds of different factors around what causes children to really consider what their parents want and say the thing that stood out was compassion towards the parent and I was like whoa well I guess that makes sense but like how do you make your kid have compassion towards you if you even could yeah demand it you have compassion for me

29:30 right no do work no yeah it's not how it works but you know it brought me back to scripture and I was like I love God my father because he first loved me and so it told me if I keep having compassion towards my child if I keep putting money in that bank and if I can even pass on the love of God to them that's how I Inspire compassion from my child and the other study looked at how we coach our

29:58 kids right how we support them towards safe behaviors this study was looking at risky behaviors in particular and they looked at coercive parenting Reactions where you're demanding and you're pressuring and you're you know putting it to them that didn't work but what did was autonomy supportive autonomy being like hey you can do this and it's yours to do which is that you are called and capable and you are respons I'm going to support you in that because

30:30 I believe you are called incapable and I believe that this is your life that God has given you and he is in it with you too you know and it's yours to make and and it's yours to discover so research you know backs up what we're saying too that this really is key but there are some beautiful opportunities to point our children to the Lord in those things too and I love it because you know we

30:58 get to the top of the framework you are responsible for your actions and that looks different with teenagers especially as you know we're kind of coming through the whole framework through the course of part one and part two of this podcast as we're we are working with our teenagers and so when our teenager maybe gets a bump with the car or or how about this one Julia we talked about this one ahead of time when maybe when our child doesn't get up in

31:27 time for first show at school I had that one or who has the car there was fighting over the car and who gets to drive it on what day this is like the real stuff right of I've done my work and now how am I going to show up explosive and with with reactive control or with perspective on situation and growing so talk a little bit about that Julia I'm going to take a step back and refer to

31:57 something that connected families CS the gifts gone arry right so all our lives one of our children had been described as controlling manipulative demanding all these negative labels that we really weren't helpful we didn't know what to do with them except try to just control and when I heard someone from connected families describe a child who was sensitive and intense I said Ah that's my son that is that describes him better and I know a little bit better what to

32:29 do with that and then we have something called the gifts gone arai right that also gives us a different description and my husband and I adopted that our child is fiercely independent and they are gonna they're going to learn most things the hard way and so you know God had been telling me let them go for years I even have it in the journal when they were five that God was saying let them go now that means something

32:57 different at 5 than at 17 but I think the Lord was just saying you're going to have to give this child some space to make decisions and make mistakes and that is how this child's going to learn I had one child that would learn from my words and one child that was going to go out there and just do it their own way and so that was really hard to step back and give them that space and know that

33:20 that the decisions they make we going to cause some pain right and so we've been through yeah the school not getting up for school and I remember the conversations that my husband and I had right buying time and saying okay what do we want to do what's the lesson that needs to be learned it felt so unnatural to not demand in our home you're going to get up and go to school and that might be what someone in their home

33:46 that's the requirement and they can they can do that with Grace and and empathy and compassion and have discussion and coaching but for us in our situation we decided you know what they need to learn Le from that and I won't forget that this child came to me at the end of the year very end of the year and they said you're not going to believe this mom but I am GNA fail biology even though I have

34:08 straight A's in biology and I said oh no what are you gonna do and and they said good coaching question Julia well done what are you gonna do because this is your and I didn't say it I wanted to be like this is your problem dude or you're responsible responsible I just said what are you GNA do and and they said said you know what though I I think I can go to school after school the rest of this

34:32 week and go to Saturday school this weekend and I think I can just make up enough days to to still get counted for this class and I was like wow what a plan so do you have that figured out and and they said yeah yeah I've got it figured out I'm like oh good I hope that works out for you right and that and that was when we left it and it was a really good teaching time right just

34:54 letting them figure it out we've had lost jobs job and relationships and you know you name it cars and just not getting in the way of that natural consequence that natural impact which would be so easy to well this time you know I'll pay for the car or well I'll go in and talk to your teacher no just saying hey buddy you got this I know you got this you can figure this out if you need help let me know you're not alone

35:20 we're not leaving you alone in this and then when they do mess up instead of showing up with I Told You So or lecturing just showing up with empathy and remembering that you know what when I was a teenager I messed up a lot too and I can relate to that and I can relate to what it feels like to lose a relationship or get in trouble for something I did and showing up with empathy it's been a game Cher for us so

35:44 preparing for this podcast I talk to my kids and also my neighbor kids about how their parents respond to them and what they what their parents do well and what their par wish they parents would do and what came up up over and over was they want to be heard and they don't want their parents to just fix it and so parents have me included have this great impulse and and desire to provide for our kids and to protect them but

36:17 sometimes we can overdo that and it can come across as I don't believe you're capable we might even not even know how capable our kids are and so as Stacy mentioned asking questions and in your example the way you asked it and the way you listened affirmed hey you've got good ideas you're capable of solving this and then you listen to him and like well that sounds like a pretty good plan I'm glad you figured that out and you

36:48 poured some focus and fertilizer on it I mean all the good things so I think yes as parents are coming from a good place of wanting to provide and protect but if we can take a step back and give our child some space and get to know them and listen to them we can be witness to their growth and I've just been amazed so many times at my kids thought process their maturity they've been so much more

37:09 capable than I've given them credit for half the time and what I loved about your story too Julia is that it doesn't have to be a me versus you because I'm in anxiety trying to control the situation and get my kid to have a good grade or I now I'm worried about passing right I have released that that both to the Lord and to the understanding of no you're responsible and it is in your best interest for the natural impacts of

37:35 the situation to teach you wisdom not for me to come on in and do it and I love that so it takes it out of of what could be a potential contentious relationship so good Katie and Julia it's been wonderful to have this conversation I just thank you so much for sharing your own lives with us your stories with us and I know that so many of us Grew From hearing your stories and wisdom so thanks for being with us today

38:05 thank you so much for having us my pleasure for sure thanks for tuning in today friends don't forget that right now is the once a year discount on the sensitive and intense kids online course tap through to the show notes to get all the information we are a listener supported organization over 50,000 parents like you listen to this podcast every month individual donations make the work to equip and encourage families possible for more information about connected families follow us on

38:34 Instagram or Facebook or go to Connected families.org I will see you next [Music] time