Conflict Resolution for Au Pairs -- online

0:02 hello and welcome to conflict resolution for Au Pairs tools to better understand and resolve disputes with your host family friends and just about anyone my name is Ben cook and I will be guiding you through the lesson today so by the end of this class three things first of all you'll learn a basic understanding of conflict and whether it's good or bad number two common approaches to resolving conflict and which is best and number three what collaboration is and

0:35 how do you use it to resolve conflict so take just a minute and think about what words come to mind when you think of conflict and if you if you can't please just write down the first three things that come to mind most immediately you don't think about it too much just when you hear the word conflict what are the first three words that come to mind and write those down please

1:10 so look at your list typically some of the words that people that come to mind or struggle anger frustration fighting arguing all these words that often have a real negative connotation and we wanted we want to talk a little bit more about why that might be the case why is it that when we think about conflict a lot of us tend to have these negative words come to mind but before we talk

1:41 more about that we want to define what conflict is and there's lots of different ways that we might define it but but here's one definition that that I think is really helpful difference that leads to struggle so think about that for a minute and and first of all let's focus in on the word difference so why is it the difference by itself is not conflict notice this is different that leads to struggle if we think about

2:10 difference by itself that's not necessarily a conflict because we have all kinds of differences with people in the world and we wouldn't necessarily say that those are conflicts I might like chocolate ice cream and you like vanilla ice cream that's a difference and maybe we just don't care that's fine if you like vanilla and it's fine you think it's fine that I like chocolate no problem right and and and you could go through many many differences that you

2:37 have with other people and and and none of those necessarily have to be a conflict but it's when those differences collide so this idea that you know it's it's not enough you know say say with the ice cream example you say you like vanilla and I say I like chocolate and I want you to like chocolate like me so that's when that difference leads to a struggle right because I'm trying to persuade you to think differently or

3:05 believe differently and it's it's you know it's that struggle with difference that we would define as conflict so it's important to recognize that that not not all difference leads to conflict but there certainly but different certainly as a part of that and it's when when our differences collide and that there's a struggle that's when conflict emerges so our next question is

3:35 is conflict bad and I want you to take just a few seconds and think about that before you settle on an answer you know we talked earlier about all these negative words we tend to associate with conflicts always conflict bad now the right answer here is actually it depends there is certainly conflict that is bad so you can look around the world at

4:07 major conflicts for example conflict in the Middle East right long-running really ugly conflict it's led to a lot of violence I I think that's a clear example of conflict that that we could say is is bad so so sure there is conflict that's bad but not all conflict has to be bad conflict is actually an opportunity so whether it's good or bad

4:40 will depend not so much on the existence of the conflict but how we deal with it so we often think of it as bad because we don't deal with it very effectively so we have these negative associations with conflict because our personal experiences of it is when I have a coffee with somebody else maybe I've tried to resolve it and it didn't go very well and so I feel like conflicts a negative thing but it doesn't have to be that way conflict

5:08 gives us an opportunity to improve so we do have difference that leads to struggle but that struggle if we deal with it we have the right tools we can deal with it effectively it can lead us to be in a better place it can strengthen a relationship it can prove our situation so I think it's more helpful if we don't think of conflict as good or bad that as an opportunity that if we have the right tools it can lead

5:29 to progress can lead to improvement as one of your pre assignments you identified a conflict in your life and that could have been a conflict that you're currently facing or it could have been a conflict in the past but you you made a video where you explain what that conflict is I want you I want you now to just remember remember that conflict and some of those details and as we continue throughout the lesson I want you to

5:57 think about how what we talked about how you might apply those things to your personal conflict what is the right way to resolve a conflict as one of your pre assignments you took a conflict assessment test and and the test was designed to give you a sense of what are the ways that you typically approach conflict resolution and there are five different types of approaches we're

6:31 going to review each of those briefly and we need to to clarify at the beginning that there's not a single right way to resolve conflict none of these approaches is always the right way or always the wrong way each of them has things that are good and things that are bad there are times when one might be appropriate at times when it might be inappropriate so we're going to talk about when a might be appropriate when

6:57 it's not appropriate I want you to think of these as tools and the more tools you have in your toolbox the better you're able to resolve conflict because there's such a wide range of different types of conflict right and you know in conflict with my host family might I might require different tools than a conflict with one of my friends and and even a conflict with my host family it might depend on you know what what that

7:24 conflict is or the time of day there are lots of different factors that might go into when a tool is most appropriate so the so it's important to kind of understand what the tools are what the benefits are and what the risks are to each and so we can make better decisions when we're when we're thinking about how to go about resolving our conflicts so the first the first approach is to avoid and when I'm avoiding a conflict I don't

7:48 want to talk about it so if I have a conflict with my host family I'm gonna try and stay away from her if they bring it up I want to try and change the subject now sometimes avoiding a problem is good if you're walking down the sidewalk and there's someone on their cell phone and talking in a way that's kind of obnoxious maybe they're being very loud that's a kind of situation where you're probably best just avoiding right you

8:16 don't want to go up and confront that person it's not somebody you know it's not a situation that you're stuck in you can just kind of keep walking by and then the conflict will be gone so there are times when avoiding is appropriate and helpful however there are times when avoiding can be a problem so if I have a conflict say it's with my host family avoiding may not it the conflict may not go away and by avoiding it actually

8:43 makes it worse right because the conflict is still there and because we haven't talked about it to try and resolve it maybe it starts getting worse and I start getting more frustrated maybe the other side also starts getting frustrated so sometimes avoiding can actually make a conflict worse it doesn't resolve it and then it exacerbates and and becomes a bigger and bigger problem the next approach is to accommodate an accommodating means that I'm going to do what you want to do

9:11 sometimes accommodating is good say you're with a friend and she wants to watch a movie really bad and she's really been excited about a new movie that's come out you kind of wanted to see a different movie but you didn't care so much and so in that situation your frame want to see this movie you want to see a different movie maybe you accommodate your friend right because you care more about the relationship and you didn't care so much about that that

9:33 that other movie anyway and you knew your friend was really excited in a situation like that accommodating could be the right approach other times accommodating can be a problem what if I really did want to see this other movie and I was also really excited about that in that type of situation if I just accommodate what my friend wants then maybe it's leading me to resent my friend right and so that starts to build up and then little

10:01 things that maybe shouldn't bother me start to bother me because I keep thinking about how I accommodated and didn't really get what I wanted and you got what you wanted and you didn't appreciate that right so sometimes accommodating again doesn't really solve a problem makes us feel or if it does solve a problem it's sort of just a short-term solution and and we start feeling resentful and frustrated and harbor ruin a relationship the third approach is to compete and when I'm

10:29 competing I'm insisting on my way I'm going to fight for my way if I need to sometimes competing can be good one time a student said when I asked when competing might be good she said when you know you're right now this is a little bit of a problem as you might can see because when we're in conflict we always think we're right and the other person always thinks that they are right and so it can't be the case

11:00 that we always compete just when we know we're right because we tend to think that when we're in conflict but there are times when it's right to compete usually those involve situations where safety is is a strong issue so for example if you were carrying for your host kid and he wants to run out into a busy street to where there are many cars he wants to run down the street you don't want him around on the street you

11:30 certainly want wouldn't avoid him you certainly wouldn't accommodate him competing and insisting on your way even if you have to physically hold him back would be the right thing to do in that situation another example would be you're out drinking with a friend and she gets drunk and wants to drive home and you start having a conflict about whether she should drive home or not that's a situation again you wouldn't avoid you wouldn't accommodate really would want to compete and insist

11:56 no you're not driving home even if you're really anger at me I'm not going to allow you to do that because there's such a high safety risk at stake however competing also has a lot of risks competing tends to harm or ruin relationships so if we're always using competing and always insisting our way especially in cases where safety isn't an issue then we might get our way in the short term but we're doing longer term damage to our relationship people

12:29 if someone else is also competing with us then it tends to escalate and so something that started out as a small problem now becomes a very very big problem and so competing can make problems worse and it can also harm relationships the fourth approach is to compromise compromising means I give up a little and you give up a little so we both gave a little so that we could get a little and sometimes people look at

12:54 compromise they think this is the best approach like the others sometimes it is a good approach sometimes we're stuck right and I want something you want something else and the only way we can figure out how to get unstuck is to meet somewhere in the middle and it feels fair right I gave up a little you gave up a little so that could be good but there's also problems with compromise because when I compromise I'm not

13:23 getting what I really wanted and neither are you because I wanted something else and I had to give up a little in order to get a little and the same thing with you and so compromise the the problem with it is one problem with it is that is that we don't get what we really wanted and then there are other times when it just doesn't make sense right so for example the might my house get wants

13:46 to run into the street right do I compromise and say well you can run out halfway into the street that's ridiculous right so there are times when you're my friend my drunk friend wants to drive home do I say what you could drive halfway home that kind of you know compromise in situations like that sometimes just doesn't make sense so like the other approaches compromise can be a very helpful tool other times it's it has its limitations and doesn't

14:10 make sense now the fifth approach is to collaborate and like the others collaborating as a tool but we're going to spend a little bit more time really focusing in on collaborating not because it's always the best way to resolve conflict like the others it has its has its benefits and its disadvantages but collaboration tends to be an especially useful tool that we don't know how to use very well most of us are familiar with avoiding accommodating competing

14:43 compromising but we don't tend to know how to collaborate and and if we did it would be something that we would use a lot more often so we're gonna talk about how we do it and then and then hopefully you'll have a have more confidence in going out and having this extra tool in your toolbox that you can turn to to help you resolve a lot more of your conflicts there are four steps to collaborate work on me first shift from

15:14 positions to interests seek first to understand and invite joint problem solving so we're going to take these one at a time and talk about what they mean and how we do them so we'll start with work on me first and work on me first involves two parts understand my stories and separate facts from stories so let's let's begin with this question what does work on me first mean the other person's

15:45 wrong so why do I need to work on me this is a great question if I really feel like I'm right and the other person is wrong it's it's hard to let that go because I I'm wrong and I am right it you're wrong and and you need to change and I don't this is often how we feel and conflict in the problem is it never works we will almost never get to a resolution if we stick with that kind of mindset I

16:12 can't control you I can control me and so I need to release myself of the burden of changing you and I can work on me because that's that's the thing I can change so no matter how right I feel like I am or how wrong I think you are I'm going to start with me first because that's really all I can do so the first part of working on me first is to understand my stories what does

16:42 this mean usually we when we are in conflict we have we see it this way we see and hear something and then we respond so I see in here something you said something that bothers me and then I respond maybe I say something back to you or I do something in reality more is going on between those two things and we want to slow down and figure out what's going on so actually what's happening is we see and hear something we tell a

17:14 story about what we saw or heard that story causes us to feel a certain way and then we act based on those feelings so instead of just seeing and hearing and acting we've actually got two other things going on between what we saw and how we acted and as you look at that spectrum the one that we have the most control over is the story because we

17:45 can't control what you see in here right somebody just comes up to me and says something you wouldn't came up and said something in a bothered me I can't control that that happened and I can once I hear that though I can tell myself a story about what I heard which will change the way I feel which is going to have a big impact on on my action so we're gonna take a closer look at how this works with with an example

18:11 so here's something I saw in her this is a this is an au-pair example my host mom told me I need to do all the family's laundry so my host mom just came up and said that right I can't control about what she said so one story that I could tell myself if that's what I heard would be something like this I can't believe she asked me to do the laundry this is so unfair Oh pears aren't the family's maid they

18:34 don't respect me or they wouldn't ask me to do this so if that's my story how do you think that might cause me to feel might sound something like this I'm so angry and frustrated I feel like my host mom doesn't appreciate or respect me so if that's how I'm feeling how do you think I might act in this situation might be something like this I accuse my host mom of disrespecting me I avoid her because I'm angry I'm not friendly

19:05 toward her and I try to avoid doing any work that action makes a lot of sense based on how I'm feeling and how I'm feeling makes a lot of sense based on the story I told myself so if I want to change how I react I need to go back down the line and focus on my story how do we do that one of the most important things we need to do is separate facts

19:36 from stories a fact is something that actually happened a story is the judgment or conclusion that I make about facts or how I interpret the facts and those are two distinctly different things so an example you have agreed to have lunch with a friend at a restaurant and you agreed to meet at 12 o'clock you show up at 12 o'clock and you're waiting five minutes past ten minutes pass

20:06 fifteen minutes pass 20 minutes past your friend has not showed up she has not texted or called you have no idea why your friend hasn't showed up and so you start getting frustrated and you start thinking this is so inconsiderate and rude my friend really cared about me she would at least let me know why is she so late and then I start thinking about how she's must not be a very good friend and

20:39 and I start feeling really bad about myself and kind of angry and frustrated with with her now as you think about that example what were the facts the only facts that we know is I agreed to meet my friend at this restaurant and 20 minutes have passed and she is not here that's it those are the only facts everything else was story all of the things that I told myself she's inconsiderate and rude if she

21:10 really cared about me all of the frustration and anger all of that is story that I attach to those facts so we want to separate those out right I want to focus on the facts I agreed to meet my friend 20 minutes of past she's not here that's all I know so then I asked myself why would a reasonable and decent person do this why would a reasonable and decent person do this well suddenly I have lots of a lots of possibilities

21:39 about why my friend might not be here maybe she gotten in a car accident and she wasn't able to and she's physically hurt and she wasn't able to let me know maybe she got caught up in some serious problem at work and and and didn't have the time to text or call because she was really being pressured to finish an assignment there's there's a number of reasons why why my friend might not have been able to let me know why she's late

22:05 that would have made a lot of sense right now there might be some negative reasons to my friend might just be inconsiderate but I don't need to have that be if if I don't know I shouldn't in the absence just make a negative story right we want to first ask ourselves why would a reasonably decent person do this which leads us to create a more positive story it's just gonna change how I how I behave toward my friend so let's go back

22:36 to our first example right my host mom told me I need to do all the family's laundry that's what that's what she said so I separate out facts from stories right so the fact was this is what my host mom told me I needed to do that's it right I'm not going to it start attaching stories to it and then I asked myself why would a reasonable and decent person do this so so if that's my

22:58 question to myself one story might be my host mom has been really stressed and working long hours lately she must be very overwhelmed I wonder if she's aware that Oh pears aren't required to do this kind of task now notice that's a very different story than our first version of this right so if that's my story how am I likely to feel it might sound something like this I feel sympathy for everything my host mom is going through right now I also

23:27 feel like she needs to understand the appropriate tasks for Au Pairs so if that's how I'm feeling how am I likely to respond I offer to help my host mom as a one-time courtesy but I also have a conversation with her about the role of Au Pairs and what's appropriate within and all pears job description now notice were not accommodating here accommodating means I would just do the laundry that's not what collaborating is so notice in collaborating because my

23:57 story is is a more charitable story it causes me to feel a certain way and then so my action is taking into account how I feel so I do want to help out my host mom but I also have my own things that are important to me and I want to make sure that I communicate that as well right I'm not just accommodating also communicating to them it's not appropriate in the job description so even though I am going to do this to

24:22 help you out one time we need to come to some better understanding about about my job my job description so that's step one work on me first step number two is to shift from positions to interests a position is what I say I want it's an option my interest is the reason I want something or the why

24:53 behind the position and when we're in conflict with somebody usually we are fighting over positions we're arguing about positions but the position is not what I really want is just an idea I had it was an option that I came up with to solve what I really wanted so for example you and I are driving in a car I want the window up you want the window down and we start arguing right so my position is I want the window up your

25:24 position is window down and we could accommodate right if i accommodated you we just roll down the window right or we avoid we don't want to talk about it maybe we just you know decide we're not gonna drive together we could compromise and roll the window halfway down or we could compete and just kind of keep arguing and sort of fighting about it but if we're collaborating it's going to look a little different right so when I

25:47 focus on my interests this is the why so my position is I want the window up why might somebody want the window up in a car maybe because they're too hot and by rolling up the window they feel like it won't be as hot right so it's not really about the window it's about not being too cold in the car I'm rolling up the window because I don't want to be too cold in the car are there other ways to

26:18 not be too cold in the car besides rolling up the window of course what might some of those be I could put on a jacket I could turn on the heat I could turn off the air-conditioning I could get a hot drink suddenly there's three or four other possibilities besides just the window because what would happen if you if if you said fine and you rolled up the no and I'm still too cold in the car I

26:43 didn't solve my problem because I don't care about the window I care about not being too cold in the car we can look at this from your sight too right you want the window down that's your position but you don't really care about the window why why do you want the window down you want the window down because it's too hot in the car and one way to solve that that you come up with is to roll down

27:07 the window so what are other ways that you might not be too hot in the car besides the window you could take off your jacket you could turn on the a/c could turn off the heater you can have a cool drink we can stop and pull over and we could get some fresh air and so you could cool down put a blanket you had a blanket you take a Clank it off right there's there's suddenly a range of

27:29 possibilities that we have to sort through when before when we were focused on positions it was it was either just window up or window down and neither of those with any of the other ways we might approach result in conflict was going to get solved but when we collaborate and we focus on interests it opens up a bunch of other possibilities and the beautiful thing about focusing on interests instead of positions is usually all you have to do is ask why so

27:58 somebody says this is what I want you say could you please help me understand why that's important to you it's such an amazing phrase could you please help me understand why that's important to you and the answer to that question is there interest it's the thing that we really want our interest is is that thing we really want it's not about the position is the interest and we spend a lot of time in conflict waste a lot of time in

28:24 conflict arguing about positions when that's not really what we want that was just an option that we came up with so we got a we've got a dig below the position ask the why question to really understand somebody's interest and then to communicate our own interest so shifting from positions to interest is step two step three seek first to understand so in seeking first to understand we

28:54 need to cover a few points about what not to do this list of what not to do are you should these are things that people naturally end up saying or doing that are not very helpful and often will make the problem worse so the first thing is explain why the other person is wrong when we're in conflict somebody says something we disagree with and so our first instinct is to make sure we let them know why they're wrong this

29:19 typically does not help when I start pushing back against somebody even if they are wrong they won't typically respond well if I start pushing against you you feel like you need to start pushing back against me so it's a waste of time even if they're wrong telling them the wrong explaining why they're wrong is usually not going to help and often makes it worse the next thing not to do is to disagree so this is maybe a different form of

29:50 explaining why people are wrong but when you disagree again it makes people feel defensive they feel like they have to push back they feel like they have to defend their position so disagreeing up front even if you do disagree is tends not to be very helpful this doesn't mean that you have to agree it just means explaining at this point why you disagree is not going to help get you toward resolution the other thing you do

30:16 not want to do is say I understand but this is maybe the single most common thing that people say and it's also the single most useless thing you can say the intention behind this phrase is good I say it because I want the other person to feel understood so I'm telling him I understand but the problem is no one feels understood when you tell them that and in fact not only do they not feel understood they're bracing for you to

30:50 say something that they really disagree with so I understand but all it does is signal the other side that you don't understand and you're about to say something that I'm not going to like and I'm going to really disagree with so don't say it just remove it from your vocabulary it's never helpful and often makes things worse the other thing on this list of things not to do is to suggest solutions so this is another thing that's really common somebody will

31:20 say you know they'll say their position and I start assuming that I know what they want and so I start offering solutions I start trying to solve the problem eventually we do want to suggest solutions we just don't want to do it right now we don't want to do it right now because I don't really know yet what's important to you so if if we first come together to have a discussion about our disagreement about this conflict we have

31:46 and you tell me what you want and then immediately I start suggesting solutions it's likely we're going to misunderstand what it is that you really want and I'm kind of wasting my time throwing out the solutions and then you start telling me why the solutions don't work and that makes me frustrated because I thought I'm trying to solve the problem and it can kind of make make things work so these are things we don't want to do and

32:09 and it's really hard to resist doing them sometimes so what do we do the asked L asked approach so the first ask is we ask for their story so that might sound something like this could you please help me understand your perspective on this very simple right I'm inviting you to help me understand and and that way of saying it is really magical it's inviting somebody to to explain how they feel or think and then

32:41 I'm pushed putting aside my own perspective and my own story for a minute I just want to make I just want to ask for their story so they they tell their story and then I tell them what I understood and this is a lot different than saying I understand I'm actually telling them what it is that I understand so that might sound something like this so let me make sure I understand you feel like blank and I tell them what it

33:10 is that I understood them to say so remember we don't want to say I understand but instead we want to say so let me make sure I understand you feel like and then I explain what it is that I've understood them to say and then the final ask is I asked him if I understood correctly so checking in with them and that might sound something like this and I understand you correctly is there anything I missed

33:33 and I think what you'll find is when you try the ask to ask approach it's it's very empowering because I don't need to worry about getting my story out first I can just set that aside for now usually what happens when we're in conflict is somebody's telling their story and we just can't wait to jump in and prove them wrong and and communicate how we're writing they're wrong and and that's that's kind of a heavy burden right and

34:01 it's kind of frustrating because as I'm listening to you talk I'm starting to think about everything I need to say with the I still Alaska prototype setting all that aside for a minute it's okay I could totally disagree with you still but I'm not gonna worry about that right now my only job right now is to help you feel understood so I ask for your story I tell you what it is that I understood and then I check in with you

34:21 to make sure I understood it correctly and you can confirm yeah that's it that's how I feel or maybe I missed something right in addition to that yeah there was this this other thing and they can add to that right once I've helped them feel understood through the asset alasc approach it's now safe to share my story remember I'm not a comedy right I'm not just understanding your story and then doing what you want I also need to share my

34:43 story but I need to remember that you can't really hear or understand my story until you feel understood so it's very important to remember to share my story but I need to do the heavy lifting of making you feel understood before I share and then it opens up space for you to be able to really listen to me and that can be a really beautiful thing so third step is seeking first to understand and then our fourth and final

35:11 step is to invite joint problem solving what does this look like there are three steps first of all I'm separating the person from the problem too often when we're in conflict we see the other person as the problem and when we when we look at conflict that way we're immediately setting up for a fight right because if you're the problem then you need to be fixed and as we discussed earlier I can't fix you right I can't

35:42 control you I can only control me so I'm seeing you as the problem and you need to be fixed I'm gonna have a really hard time so what I want to do is separate that out right we have a problem and we have a person and the person is not the problem the problem is the problem so you are a person and I'm a person and together we have this problem and and I want to separate that out and then the

36:03 next thing is I want to get on the same team so instead of looking at you as somebody an enemy somebody to beat I want to look at you as a teammate right because there's this problem out there and we are in in connection with each other because this problem so instead of being enemies we can be teammates and we can work together on that and in this third step is I want to assist on a

36:29 solution that meets both of our our interests so we're teammates right and you might keep saying well this is this is the only way that it can be done and if we're on the same team that I can say to you you know that that sounds like a solution that might be your interest and it looks like it's not gonna meet my interest so why don't we work together to come up with some other solutions that might meet both of our interests

36:49 and I keep bringing you back into the brought to problem-solving with me as a team it's not you against me it's not you know your solution or nothing if that's how you're going to approach I want to keep inviting you back right because the other side often isn't going to see me as a teammate they're probably looking at me as the enemy so I want to take on the responsibility to help you shift from that mentality right and I certainly

37:12 don't want to adopt that mentality we're on the same team you're not the problem the problem is the problem let's work together and let's let's creatively come up with as many ideas as we can that will that will create a lead to a solution that warm for both of us so we're going to use the four steps that we've we've covered and apply it to an example that a lot of our pairs have have encountered and that usually is

37:46 something to do with the curfew so our situation is you have host family say a host mom wants the au pair to be home by midnight that's the host mom position o pair wants to stay out past midnight so be home at midnight is host mom's position stay out after midnight is the au pairs position remember those are positions that's not what they really want those are their positions so let's let's work our four steps so if we're

38:17 working on me first limb and we're doing this from from the Au Pairs perspective first of all I want to make sure that I'm separating I'm understanding my stories right and I do that by separating my facts from my story so the fact only facts that I'm that the only facts that I'm focusing on are my host mom wants me home by midnight and I might have a lot of assumptions I'm making about why that's the case and why

38:43 I think it's unfair and and all of these other things that I'm gonna separate out those stories I'm going to focus on the facts my host mom wants me home at midnight and I asked myself why would a reasonable and decent person do this and so that's going to open up some possibilities for for me I'm going to feel a little different right which is gonna cause me to act a little different so if I assume that my host mom is a

39:09 reasonable decent person and look we acknowledged before there are people who who are not reasonable and not decent but we don't want to start from that position right we want to start by giving people the benefit of the doubt right why would a reasonable decent person do this so when I go to her to have the conversation my mind is open to possibilities because otherwise I'm going to go in with a very narrow view of my host mom is

39:30 uncaring and unkind and unfair and that is typically going to lead to a very unproductive conversation so working on mean first means I'm focusing on my story I'm making sure that my story is based on the question why what a reason will be some reasonable decent person do this and then what I when I'm in conversation I want to remember the difference between positions and interests right so I acknowledge my host mom has a position which is that I'm

40:01 home by midnight I also have a position which is I want to stay up past midnight so I need to think through why is it that I want to stay up past midnight well let's say in this example there was a concert that I wanted to go to it was in the city nearby and to go to the concert and drive back you know I just can't get back I can't I can't go over to the concert and be back by midnight

40:24 because of the travel distance so my interest is in you know I've thought this through in advance and I realize my interest isn't going to the concert it's not about being home after midnight it's it's about going to a concert because if I could go to the concert and be home at midnight I don't care right it has nothing to do with midnight it's it's really about wanting to go to the concert at this point let's say I don't

40:48 really know what my host mom's interests are all I know is that her position which is she needs me on midnight so I go into the conversation and I need to seek first to understand right so I'm gonna hold off I have a story right I want to explain that it's important for me to go to this concert it's my favorite band and I wanted to see it for a long time and they don't tour very

41:05 often here they are so that's that's something I need to communicate at some point but right now I just need to understand and I use that I do that by doing the house tell house so I asked my host mom you said that you need me home by midnight on Saturday night could you please help me understand why you want me home by midnight and then my host mom might say well we had a previous Opare

41:31 who had the car out after midnight and she got in a car accident and she got hurt and the car got damaged badly and so we're just kind of worried about the safety of you and also the car now this is great right because now we know what the host mom's interests are she has an interest in my safety is help hair and she tells us an interest in in safety of the car so now that I

41:56 understand her interests I so first she says she shares that right and then I say to her remember doing ask tell ask so the tail part I would say submit let me make sure I understand because of a past experience you had you're concerned about the safety of the car and also concerned about my safety driving after midnight you feel like is a risk to own below this is that right she might say yeah that's it is there anything is

42:20 there anything I was missing about that let's say she says no but those are the two main things were concerned about remember now I want it now it's safe for me to share my story I say you know thank you for for sharing that with me the reason I want to be out after midnight is there's this concert that I really wanted to go to write a story explaining about the importance of the band and all of that and how it you know

42:40 because the distance that I have to travel to and from the concert it's not likely that I'm gonna be able to be home by midnight so then we get to our fourth step which is if I join problem-solving remember my host mom is not the problem the curfew the difference is the differences that we have about about the curfew is the problem so want to be on the same team because this is a problem we can work together to solve maybe

43:05 right so I think you know can we work together to come up with some options where you know you can feel like the car and and me are safe and I can also feel like I'm able to go to this concert vendors you want to go to so then we brainstorm some options right you know and and some of those might people may be you know I take take uber or lyft right instead of taking the family car

43:26 maybe there's public transport maybe my host mom can give me a ride suddenly there's a number of possibilities that open up right that would that would ensure my safety and would ensure the safety of the car the other thing is the concert right I mean so in our case you know maybe there was only one when one show for the concert but but we could explore some other options maybe you know this man is performing in

43:52 another city and I needed to go take an au-pair class in that city and and you know so it doesn't have to be this weekend when I see the band like maybe my mom also wants to go see the band can do this weekend so she's willing to fly with me to some other city boost our brainstorming options that way right was was it really that I needed to see that concert in the city this night or are

44:12 there other ways that I might still meet my interest of seeing that that band in concert suddenly we have a range of possibilities that we've worked together to come up with went before it was just you know just sort of about the curfew and and we weren't really getting anywhere she wants me want midnight I'm saying I don't wanna be home by midnight so that that is one example of applying the four steps of collaboration to a

44:35 commenting Opare host family conflict collaborating as we said is a tool it is not always appropriate but it tends to be a tool that is really really helpful and we don't use it very often because we don't know how so my challenge for you is to find ways to implement these four steps and I think what you'll find as you practice you get better at it because it is hard but you get better with practice and it's such a great tool that'll help

45:06 you resolve so many more of your conflicts and and often in ways that are more effective than some of the other approaches so thank you for for participating and you'll have a post assignment that will is designed to help you implement some of the things we've talked about thank you