Transcript
0:00 it is now my pleasure to introduce our first guest speaker Mr Eugene Merman LHS class of finer hello everybody can you hear me someone has made a terrible mistake by asking me to do this I think it was you guys anyway it is an honor so thank you
0:30 here we go hello Little Dragons congratulations you are now free from your 12 years of knowledge prison today you begin the next phase of your life whether it's College a job or a program abroad where you build a Schoolhouse for underprivileged children while hooking up with each other the main the main difference for you between life yesterday and life tomorrow is you you can go to the bathroom whenever you
1:02 want it's a pretty big responsibility but you've earned it a few more things you can vote start a family go to war even buy a beer just kidding you're only mature enough to shoot our enemies in the face your parents are proud of you but they're nervous 2009 is very different from when they grew up most of them still remember exactly where they were when Lincoln was
1:35 shot I know I do but here we are today amid several several Wars with history's largest deficit in the worst recession since Families First gathered around radios to learn about Evolution on behalf of generations who came before you were're really really sorry we made some oopsies I won't lie you there's an asteroid heading for the Earth and you only have 4 days to
2:06 live sorry where was I oh yeah it will be up to you to lead America into the future and I don't mean your generation I mean the 494 of you you alone must FX the whole world tonight relax celebrate at your weird party have some minits tomorrow start fixing good news this is the point in the graduation speech where I tell you a
2:37 personal anecdote about perseverance and then quote a song what's the worst grade you've ever gotten a d an F when I was in eighth grade at Diamond Middle School on a homework assignment this is true I once got a negative 8 sadly very true I did my assignment worse than not doing
3:09 it but did I let getting a grade lower than the lowest possible grade stop me no I was put into resource room at special education and I turned my F into a d yeah so you see sometimes you can fail then barely pass and then become a
3:41 comedian also I recommend being on television occasionally because people are nice to you lastly some tips for life don't forget to follow your dreams unless your dreams are stupid like eating all the cake in Arlington be kind to people don't get too excited when you read The Fountain Head funny to them it'll be funny to you in half a
4:12 year in this time of recession it is the time for invention did you did you know that both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions so was talking dirty and lastly things can kill you so keep that in mind you Fearless know it all good luck with everything and don't become addicted to heroin unless you want to be a great songwriter I'm kidding people younger
4:44 than them and now as promised I'll quote a song Garden Party by Rick Nelson it's about him getting boot off stage at madon Square Garden in 1971 it's all right now I learned my lesson well you see you can't pleas pleas everyone so you got to please yourself da da da da da da thank you all very much congratulations good luck