When Only One Parent Will Do

0:00 rejection is something we get a lot of practice in from the other kids on the playground to soccer team tryouts to the college we so desperately wanted to go to but rejection as a parent from your own child that's something we're often not ready for I think at least I can imagine as they grow up you're not always that one you know they're going to want their older sibling or they're going to want to teach you or they're going to want

0:30 their boyfriend to be that source of comfort but I think when they're very young and it's going to be apparent it does just feel embarrassing when it's not even rejection from your kid Cuts deep maybe they insist that only your partner is the one who knows how to tuck them in at night or that you always cut their vegetables the wrong way so how do you cope when your kid is upset because they absolutely do not

1:01 want you I'm Dr Becky and this is good inside um I was gonna say you know don't make me feel like a terrible mom by the end of it but oh that's what I I like to do that so we might have to end this thing I listen to it enough to know that a spiraling worry you know but that's actually I think the perfect place to start and maybe we're kind of getting to the ending before I let you tell your whole

1:29 story so we'll we'll do this a weird way we're going to get to the ending then I'm going to come back and ask you for details then right but so many times when something is hard with our kids like our interpretation or maybe our fear is like I'm I'm a bad I'm a bad parent or I'm not managing this well and that's why this thing is happening so hearing you say to me like oh just please just don't make me feel like I

1:53 messed it all up or like I'm a bad parent I think it's also probably insightful for whatever's going on with your kids in terms of our tendency to interpret hard moments through the lens of does this mean I'm a bad parent or does this mean I'm doing it all wrong does that kind of parallel process make sense yeah very very much so I did not think I would be in this position as a parent of having so I'll give should I give you

2:19 the quick summary is that helpful yeah tell you know now now we'll actually start in the beginning instead of the middle to end so tell me your name tell me what's on your mind tell me where you're zooming in from and then we'll jump in I'm calling from San Francisco I have a couple of kids who are five and two I need a girl is five and Kian is two and had a question about kid preferences

2:46 um and then very much preferring their dad to them on so give me an example tell me like the image in your mind or a situation where this kind of Parental preference and and I I want to say because I think it's real where it can feel to a mom like the preference for a dad feels like extra injurious or just feels like a different version of Parental preference than when Mom is preferred all the time I think there's

3:16 you know a lot of expectations and sociological Dynamics there so that that's what's on your mind your kids kind of calling out for Dad yeah you know unfortunately it happens it happens a lot one could just be going to school like yesterday morning he and my son best didn't want to go to school and then insisted that his dad takes him or he says I want Daddy I want Daddy to take me to school and it can happen a

3:43 lot at book time before bed I think it hurts the most when one of them is sad you do think that's your job like okay what makes him or why why is he more nurturing it better at taking care of you when something's wrong than I am so tell me just right now like what what's coming up for you I think honestly it it makes me sad it makes me think I'm not doing my job as a mom

4:11 the way I could or the way I should and for some reason whether it's this temperament or just the way he is they look at him as more protective and nurturing and caring and just sort of the go-to when they're having a tough time and It's tricky because it shouldn't be about you in those moments like it should very much be about giving them what they need and I try to remember that but it's still tricky it's

4:41 hard to remember anything when something feels like a dagger to your heart you know so the first thing I don't know why I but I do feel compelled to say to you I mean I mean this is I like you so much I just want to say that right away and I appreciate you being so honest and Brave and vulnerable and I can tell in a second how thoughtful as you are and how much you know you

5:07 care about your kids so a second what you're describing both in terms of your kids asking for their dad in these moments and your reaction I just want to tell you is like completely normal You Are Not Alone these are moments that a lot of parents don't like speak about because I think for a mom there's something about it it feels like embarrassing yeah definitely it happened in front of my parents once

5:37 and I was so embarrassed so so let's get to that moment so your parents are visiting and one of your kids is like no I want Daddy to do bathroom yeah so we were actually in Dubai we were visiting them and so you know uh jet lag and whatnot and Kian needed he gets really cranky when he's tired and he was super cranky and I try to make him feel better and put him to bed and

6:06 it was just like very explicit unequivocal I want my dad to the degree that my mom was like you really want something like let him have his dad yeah and so let's get back there and I want you to to translate what your son's saying I want Dad what does it feels like he's saying to you and don't worry you're gonna have a thought you're gonna be like this sounds crazy I know he's not saying that I know

6:32 but forget those thoughts just like let's go there what does it feel like he's saying to you or what does it feel like the world is saying to you in that moment he's saying dad does a better job taking care of me than you do pausing on that just because that's I mean this is so important and so powerful and I think this it's so generalizable when we get get triggered into the spiral in a moment with our kid that question is

6:59 always useful like what does it feel like my kid's saying right now my kids having a tantrum in public it feels like they're saying you didn't do a good job raising me or the world is saying that or my kid's saying I want Dad and it feels like they're saying dad does a better job taking care of me or maybe even dad does a better job taking care of me when I'm vulnerable and upset than you do

7:21 um to that very question in my head is like is that true and so I think well he packed that stuff for a plane trip that should have been my job I'm very high energy which can be good but he's very soothing and patient and so it's very much analyzing is that true and even if it is like again as you said I think it feels worse because you

7:51 really do think that should be you I should always be the one who can provide the best Comfort to my kids when they're in need of comfort let's go I rephrase it for me I like being wrong so I think at least I can imagine as they grow up you're not always that one you know they're going to want their older sibling or they're going to want to teach you or they're going to want their boyfriend

8:20 um to be that source of comfort but I think when they're very young and it's going to be apparent it does just feel embarrassing when it's not you feels like it's an indictment on your maternal Instinct on your motherliness yeah I just I wanted to personally like he's a he's a very selfless individual and I think it makes me feel more selfish and less competent that he is the go-to and then what happens next

8:51 there's this Dynamic where our kids act in a certain way they say something we kind of translate it immediately to mean something much grander right or it's like a barometer of our parenting or it's this indictment on our parenting and then what happens in the moment is we respond in the moment based on our translation to try to like prove something to ourselves which usually gets in our way of showing up to the other person and based on what

9:16 actually is going on for them because we're kind of like playing out two different plays on the same stage does that make sense yeah yeah tell me about when do you feel connected to your kids like reading to them playing with them I think last night we were in Anya's bed Kian was sitting next to me Ani was between my legs they wanted to sing the whole book it was great I think like you just feel some relief

9:44 like okay it's not as black and white like there are times whenever you're not perfect but at least they don't not want you um and I wanna I'm gonna ask us to think it's interesting just about not as much about them wanting you or not it's just what we were saying before like this was a time I felt really connected with my kids yeah that felt great I was present they were there and that was it and then the moments

10:12 when there's the like I want Daddy I want Daddy no mommy like I feel I feel less connected with them in those moments and feeling less connected with them in those moments then starts to spiral it's like oh am I ever connected with them oh do they ever want to come for me to you know for Comfort oh am I doing something wrong do I need to be a different type of parent one you know like part of me

10:34 would love to tell you like we're gonna talk about things today and then next time your kid does that like it's gonna feel totally differently and you're not going to be bothered by it and then three weeks later actually your kids are going to start saying I want Mommy that would be great that'd be perfect thank you yeah but I don't I don't have that Playbook so I'm just gonna just tell you that so you're on the wrong podcast

11:00 um but what I do think is a really powerful starting point is to start with this doesn't feel good to me right now I feel rejected and start to be able to watch How I feel rejected or this doesn't feel good to me right now or I don't feel connected to my kid in this moment start to watch how that kind of beginning seems to then almost spiral into these really Grand kind of in

11:32 totality you know kind of truths about the type of parent you are and to try to just like separate that and almost start to watch it like okay wait what am I supposed to say to myself right I feel rejected right now I feel rejected right now and one of the things actually in our brief conversation that I've noticed is when you talk about your feelings you tend to use the word you and not I don't know if you know

11:56 that um you feel this way or you know you which and as we're talking about feelings in your body there's it's almost like this outside your bodyness right so I'm gonna ask you actually let's just do a little exercise now say I feel rejected by my kid I feel rejected by my kid this is a bad feeling inside my body this is a bad feeling inside my body I don't feel so connected to my kid right now I don't feel very

12:23 connected to my kid right now tell me what what's that like I think I preferred using you because um more external it does feel it feels like the ultimate Rejection it feels like the ultimate rejection so let's do a little exercise where when today do you think your son will reject you um he'll come home after his swim lesson and he'll run to my husband great okay you can picture it yeah picture it and

12:54 almost like really try I know it seems almost like why would I do this to myself a picture to the point that you're like oh I now actually feel upset like you actually want to generate a little bit of a response because that's how we can start to change how we actually intervene or what happens in the Moment by almost like pre-loading a different way of responding so when the moment actually happens you know like a little bit got ahead of things

13:17 and already started that circuit so you're seeing that yeah and I want you to say to yourself whichever one feels most natural what we just said either I feel rejected right now or this is this feels hard for me be even simpler yeah I feel rejected right now I'm not rejected right now like that's a that's a really hard feeling yeah okay and I want you to do this with your hands put your hands out right like me

13:42 okay and look at one of your hands and I really want to look at that hand and be like in this moment I feel rejected in this moment I feel rejected okay now I want you to look at your other hand I feel like and that doesn't mean anything about the type parent I am and that doesn't mean anything about the type of parent I am you don't have to believe it yet we're just practicing things because actually

14:10 one of the reasons I want you to practice using the word I is because as long as a feeling you have doesn't kind of live as an experience in your own body it's really hard to tolerate the feeling so then one of the things a feeling can do is just it makes up like a really big story because we're not talking like yeah I feel rejected that sucks like that sucks like nobody likes being like Oh I'm here for my kid after swim and

14:32 they're like Daddy and you're like am I invisible like that sucks nobody likes that but actually step one it sounds so silly but it's also obvious step one to managing that feeling and stopping the feeling from converting into like a really big story about the type of human being you are is actually like owning this is a feeling I am having not one has not you have this is a feeling I am having in my body it's living in my body

14:58 maybe I don't know where it doesn't matter I have to be hard on myself about that but this is a feeling I'm having it's a feeling it's not a truth it's not a story it is a feeling and the more comfortable we get naming feelings as our own the irony is the less they have to turn themselves into really big stories to try to get the attention they're looking for I feel like your rejection sad feelings is just

15:21 like can you just like did you just notice me I swear I'll stop creating this whole spiral if you just like say hi you're right this does suck like does that make any sense no it does make sense I um this is where I usually get stuck it's like okay I recognize it yep still feel shitty great not helping yeah love it it doesn't help if we think the goal is to get back to baseline or to get to happy or to get

15:51 too satisfied and okay with something I think it's like this really weird message we've all gotten through the years like I don't know why that would be the goal I don't know why I'm thinking about this but I think about someone I used to see a long time ago who came to me after saying like I really need to stop using all the different types of drugs I use and whenever something feels bad like there's some you know drug I use to like

16:11 numb it out and I was like I just want to be clear with you if you think therapy is gonna help you the way heroin help you like I just want to tell you you're gonna be sorely disappointed not only won't things work as quickly like coping and talking to yourself and taking deep breaths does not do it to your body what heroin does to your body and not only does it not do that as quickly you'll never get back to zero

16:35 that's not what life is that's not what living is so I just want to be clear he's like I'm paying money to learn how to cope with feelings so I can still have the feelings and I was like yeah yeah you are so my favorite coping mechanism okay and I know it's still gonna be a little bit of like okay Dr Becky and then what like fancy coping mechanism doesn't do for me you know so um is something I call AVP and I

17:02 want to go over it acknowledge validate permit and there's a little bit of an asterisk after or after that you say the same line to yourself and it all makes sense after I go through it I can cope with this a is acknowledge V is validate p is permit a is acknowledge is just naming what's happening for you and that doesn't have to be fancy a lot of people think naming a feeling is like is this

17:25 anger is this shame like those words actually don't mean anything it could be I'm noticing I'm having a racing heart or it just could be I notice I don't like this feeling I notice I'm uncomfortable I'm acknowledging I feel rejected so your son rejects you after swim and you're like I'm gonna do this like stupid thing Dr Becky told me to do even though again it's like not gonna work but fine I'll try them one time and

17:48 you're gonna say to yourself what version of that do do an a for me how would you acknowledge what's happening in your own language yeah um my heart is racing my Palms are getting sweaty I hate that Kian wants my husband right great A Plus student crushed it okay now is the v v is validate to me the best way to operationalize validating a Feeling is telling yourself the story of why the

18:19 feeling makes sense and that phrase makes sense like I swear there's something about it that our body just loves hearing so an example might be well my kid did want my partner instead of me and I know that is a vulnerability for me and nobody likes that feeling so it makes sense that my heart would be racing and my palms would be sweaty it makes sense to feel this way give me your version of that okay it makes sense that I feel sad

18:53 perfect it makes sense I feel sad it makes sense I'm worked up it makes sense I'm distressed any of that makes sense so we've acknowledged it we've named something and for anyone listening who's like I don't like naming my feelings it really could just be I'm uncomfortable ER I am upset and I don't know why that's still naming it and then make sense could be well there's a lot of different things going in my life I do a

19:15 lot so it makes sense that I'm upset even if I don't know why like just tell yourself the story of why it makes sense then is the P permit and it really is almost the same line every time even though now and I want you two to push back this is where people are like oh like what does that do okay it's just saying I give myself permission to feel this way or I give myself permission to feel exactly how I feel I

19:39 give myself permission to feel sad right now great so I'm just gonna go over there again oh my heart is racing my palms are sweaty as my son runs to their dad once again well I know feeling rejected is like a pretty bad feeling so it makes sense I'd be feeling that way I give myself permission to be feeling sad right now do you remember the last line I said the I give myself permission yep and then I

20:08 want you to add and I can cope with this okay and I can cope with this and going through this exercise what you're really doing inside your body is instead of allowing a feeling to run away with itself as soon as you name it this is actually really powerful as soon as you name a feeling in your body you are in a relationship with that feeling there's you and there's the feeling there's two things when you don't name a feeling and a

20:34 feeling gets big it's like a toddler who doesn't get over attention they literally take over your whole body they really really do they get louder and louder and louder and then you actually can't differentiate you from the feeling the feeling like my image is like they took over the CEO seat in the Board Room and now they're like the CEO of your body so naming it actually gives you separation and makes it a part of you

20:54 and not all of you tell me where you are okay so I was thinking about what you said and I agree with you but I think I'm not sure if this is rational or not I still have this thought to some degree or Horizon where I'm just like yeah but what if I'm not doing enough like honestly I think if somebody said I was shitty sister I'd have all of that and I'd be like I'm actually kind of a good

21:23 sister so I don't I think I could get myself out of it here's what I love about the question here's what's useful number one I would just tell yourself being in a shame embarrassment self-critical spiral is never the place I could make any productive decisions from like never like that's not a place we make productive decisions from so that's first we have to talk to ourselves we recognize our feelings like that's not a place that has some truth

21:52 to be like and so I need to change every way that I parent like you gotta get grounded first a little bit but then I I there's a part of your question I want to shift because I think it's so powerful but it's different right I want to hear the difference between see like I'm not doing enough as a parent and I don't do anything and I'm the worst right versus okay I'm allowed to feel sad in this

22:13 moment I feel rejected even saying in this moment it feels like a referendum on my parenting I'm trying to separate the two how I am as a parent from how I'm feeling okay okay and when we notice ourselves a little more grounded I think we can then ask ourselves a very powerful question do I want to show up differently to my kids do I want more of those connected moments is the only way a connected moment

22:37 counts for me when my kid is upset and screaming for a parent do I have to wait for those to feel better is there any more that I can generate not to prove to myself I'm a good parent but actually just because I want to do more do I want to put my phone away more do I want to do more reading because that actually just feels really good with my kid but that length of questioning I think is totally

23:01 different then what I actually think is a very unproductive just spiraling tornado form of questioning which is see am I a horrible parent do I actually need to do more like I don't even think it's a question I think we're just saying to ourselves I'm a bad person in the form of asking ourselves a question that's very fair that second question or that first question about do I want to show up differently you always want to be doing better though

23:27 like how do you answer that question well I'm going to turn it back on you remember we're turning your U's into eyes that's a big that's a project maybe give yourself a little like clue and how be like don't be so ground to start small do I want to show up differently today I think that's it I think it's the quick wins right like I can't stop getting the kids ready for school five minutes earlier so I'm not

23:55 I'm not a shitty mom when it comes to getting them into the car like that feels like an easy one so I'm going to change that for you because it's interesting how your moments it's interesting you get so um global I don't know if you notice that too I want to start getting them ready earlier so I'm not such a shitty mom like the moment of the five minutes like has something to do with the type of parent

24:16 you are I'm just going to give you a different reframe I would like to show up as a calmer kind of less rushed more present version of myself and one of the things I know is if I get ready 10 minutes earlier that would be easier for me to do and I would just feel better about the way I show up that day so more days this week I'm gonna set my alarm earlier and I know that would just help

24:42 me live more in line with my own values and that's going to be something I feel like I end up feeling proud of oh my kids will probably benefit too but I will just feel better about that do you hear the difference I'm going to show up 10 minutes earlier so I'm not a shitty parent and that's something I would tell your kids I would say you know what I'm thinking about sometimes in the morning I'm a little

25:01 rushed and I don't know if this is true I'm gonna speak as if it's my own I'd say you know what and then like I'm rushed and then maybe I'm on my phone I'm checking an email I don't really have to check and you know what I realized I need to give myself more time because I want to show up in a calmer sturdier way for both of us and so tomorrow is going to be different I'm

25:21 gonna even keep my phone in my bathroom I'm not going to bring it out nothing's that important at seven in the morning I can't wait till 7 30. and I'm really looking forward to it I think you're going to notice a difference honestly I'm pretty proud of myself and that's going to start tomorrow and whenever we do things as parents that are wins for us and help us show up in a way that's actually more in line with the way we

25:44 want to show up yes our kids benefit not because we became a better parent but because we actually just accessed and brought out like the sturdier version of ourselves that's good I like that you know before we met when I was thinking about this conversation I had all these notes I'm like I'm gonna talk about this and this I talked about none of them none of them which is which is always what happens and I actually think

26:08 for anyone else listening to this I think so often when we have these like triggered moments with our kids in which case I would say a moment with them brings up a really Global big story about the type of person we are that's usually a sign whoa something else is going on right we often think what should I do what should I do in that moment what do I do what do I do well the moment is about the story not about

26:31 our kids Behavior so actually reflecting on like what we need what that story is how we translate things what might be going on for us what coping skills we need I promise is so much more important and is going to be so much more effective than trying to memorize the thing to say to your kid which won't come to you because you're going to be triggered and overwhelmed anyway but I feel like we did a lot of that and I

26:51 also am just very practical so I just want to also share two things that I would have in your kind of back pocket in these like I don't want you I want Daddy moments right to me when I've been there too I either go straight empathy or I kind of go straight humor and empathy is just like you really wish it was Daddy right now or you really want Daddy right now kind of imagine that like I'm a character in

27:15 that moment that they're not really like insulting my motherhood and I'm just reflecting back what they want it happens to be Daddy but like I put myself a little outside so it doesn't seem like an assault on me and I imagine them being like I really want chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla ice cream and I'd be like oh you really wish you had chocolate like I'm just like it wouldn't be such a personal relationship assault so I just go straight up now

27:38 again I think you practicing this kind of AVP acknowledge validate permit that is necessary for you to even be in the grounded spot to be able to use a strategy with your kids so that's the order of operations but straight empathy matters because also when you say to your kid you really wish it was Daddy right now you're actually saying to them I see you and you're also saying like I'm not scared of that like I'm not

28:04 avoiding that and that feels really good to a kid and and the other thing I can do is Strike humor right this is great for like I don't want you to do bath Daddy has to do bath and I'd pick up my kid or something I'd be like it's I don't even know where a bath is because this is the bath right and I'm like going to the toilet and I'm just gonna put you in there and what is it

28:27 it's like you put soap and then you flush flush and then soap flush flush that's like and like inevitably your kid laughs and laughter always brings on connection it like changes the story or it's true I don't even know how to read like I'm going to read you a book it is it's just funny and again it's like I'm not scared of it it's playful not dismissive I'm not making fun of my kid I'm actually just entering into play

28:51 around the rejection or um empathizing with my child's underlying desire those two are my personal go-to's but I think those two things will only be useful after kind of thinking a little bit more about some of the other stuff we talked about I like it did I make you feel like a bad parent I feel like no I feel good that was great thank you I'll let you know how it goes all right so nice to talk with you

29:22 thanks for listening to share a story or ask me a question go to goodinsside.com podcast you could also write me at podcast good inside.com parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered confident and connected I'm so excited to share good inside membership the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of

29:54 like valued parents it's totally game changing good inside with Dr Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at magnificent noise our production staff includes Sabrina farhi julianat and Kristen Mueller I would also like to thank Erica belski Mary Panico Ashley Valenzuela and the rest of the good inside team and One Last Thing Before I Let You Go let's end by placing our hands on our

30:26 hearts and reminding ourselves even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside I remain good inside [Music]