# When Parenting Is Harder Than You Thought It Would Be | Ep. 115 **Creator:** Connected Families **Platform:** youtube **Duration:** 37m **Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ ## Summary In this episode of the Connected Families podcast, host Stacy Belward and guest Taylor Herby discuss the complexities of parenting, particularly through the lenses of adoption and biological family dynamics. They explore the challenges of unmet expectations, controlling behaviors, and the importance of receiving God's grace and truth to navigate these difficulties. - The podcast emphasizes the importance of receiving God's grace and truth to pass on to children. - Taylor shares her journey of parenting five children, including one adopted child with special needs. - The conversation highlights the disparity between the idealized vision of parenting and the harsh realities, especially in adoption. - Controlling behaviors in parents often stem from insecurity and fear, particularly when children do not respond as expected. - The hosts discuss the importance of recognizing and addressing controlling behaviors rather than simply suppressing them. - They encourage parents to seek God's perspective and trust in His plan, emphasizing that their worth is not tied to their children's behavior. - The episode concludes with a prayer for parents struggling with anxiety and the challenges of parenting, encouraging them to seek support and community. ## Transcript [[0:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=0s) [Music] hey friends welcome to the connected families podcast I'm your host Stacy belward our purpose in this podcast is to guide you to receive God's grace and truth and then to equip you to pass that Grace and Truth on to your children I'm so glad that you're here with us today well you know that intro that I just said and I say it on every podcast about receiving God's grace and truth so that you so that I can pass that Grace onto [[0:28]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=28s) our children is really our heartbeat here at Connected families and it's also especially true for the conversation that I'm going to have today you know no matter how your children came to your family if it's adoption or biologically we all have a story we all have had Hard Times Hard things losses disappointments that we've lived through well we journey through them and as we experience more of Jesus feeling in his perspective of the story The more whole the more grace [[1:01]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=61s) and truth is received and then passed on so today I invited Taylor Herby to join me on the podcast Taylor is a connected fames parent coach and a mama to kids who came to her family biologically and through adoption just like I have so Hey Taylor welcome to the podcast again hi Stacy good to talk again I know in our show notes we'll have links to the other podcast that you have been on I'm so grateful but Taylor November is kind of [[1:32]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=92s) adoption month so there's going to be a little bit of an adoption thread through our conversation today but we both are in a similar boat that we have had our families our children come to us through both adoption and biologically so tell us what your family yeah so we have five kids our first four are biological we have our daughter is 16 a son who's 15 a daughter who is 11 another daughter who's nine and then our little guy Isaac [[1:59]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=119s) came to us through adoption from Bulgaria he has some special needs and he's six six how exciting and your family were previously workers in another country do you want to share a little bit about that sure in 2009 we left to go to Sia Bosnia and we only had two kids back then felt like more but you know back then when you just have two yeah if you have a bigger family now you're like whoa Izzy was three and Elijah was [[2:26]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=146s) almost two and then we were there for 11 years serving with campus crus saor Christ working with high school students and college students and then we left in 2020 right when the pandemic broke out so great and then we've come to know you because you are now a connected families certified parent coach that's such a mouthful but you came to Minnesota where a lot of us at Connected families are and we had the the coaches Gathering and [[2:53]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=173s) that was just exciting it was such a sweet time like I mean highlight of my life so far really just kind of like I have our little picture right here I'm looking at in the Baton that that Jim passed on and I'm just so grateful to be part of this community right Jim our co-founder and just we we've trained many many many in lots of countries lots of parent coaches that are meeting with parents oneon-one to coach them through [[3:21]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=201s) the connected families framework and you're one of them and so I love that in fact the content for today's podcast comes a little bit from a presentation that you gave at that gathering around behaviors that are controlling and anxious it was called controlling behaviors and insecurity or insecurity and controlling behaviors yes from parents correct yes so we just wanted to weave kind of that that training that you did into the idea that hey we as [[3:51]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=231s) parents have walked through hard things and I know that you have walked through hard things and I have walked through hard things and so no matter what but no matter what our story is I think even just the fact that we have disappointments in life right like as young people we have sometimes these glorious visions of what married life and what parenting will look like and we paint this beautiful picture and the reality is just not always like that is [[4:19]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=259s) it right yeah not at all it's different and so as we walk through like we realize that we do need to work on some things so let me ask you this first question how did the reality of Life differ from parenting and also maybe adoption so weave those two together because adoption is another place where people have this big glorious picture of adopting a child and it could look very different same as parenting a biological [[4:50]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=290s) child yeah so you know I think I've always wanted to be a mom like I remember being a little girl and getting baby dolls and even when I was 12 my one wish was I would get a baby doll that looked real and I used my own money to go to the to the store and buy this baby doll clothes and pacifiers and blankets and I would take it sounds kind of creepy but I would take the baby doll to [[5:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=311s) like the movie theater and hold her and would think that it was a real baby and like looking back my mom must have been like oh she looks like a teenage mom but I wasn't don't I would get stressed I would just run into my room and hold that baby doll was like a weighted baby doll you know yeah I would rock it and you know you had a deep nurturing heart did I rescued animals off the [[5:37]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=337s) street yeah I just love and a Babys set all the time and I just thought oh this is gonna be the best thing ever just to be a mom and stay home all babies and what I didn't know is that you know having your own children and being home with them all day long so much that just doesn't stop and so I didn't know that I had anxiety I didn't know that I had fear I didn't know know that I had inse [[6:01]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=361s) deep deep insecurities about all this um I just kind of based my dreams and my life over this idea of being a mother and then when I became a mother it was just kind of like oh my goodness what am I doing you know and it differs with each kid but you know with with motherhood that was kind of the picture I painted I didn't know that I had rage that would kind of bubble up inside of [[6:21]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=381s) me you know that would come on by that I didn't agree with I think you know when we first started the idea of adoption it was this oh let's give a child at home and you see all these videos I mean I was one of those kids that would wake up middle of the night and turn on the the TV and the only thing that was on was an infomercial about saving the children and I'd be like my child's going to love [[6:41]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=401s) me and it's going to be so great and I'm doing the Lord's work and really it was the Lord that called us like I I do look back even now and I'm like yeah God confirmed it again and again and again and again invited for us provides for Isaac but to be clear we're not quote unquote saving a child like that phrase at all really they're a gift to our family they are a gift to our family yes [[7:05]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=425s) and you know when Isaac came home he did not like me he pulled my hair out by fistfuls he would scratch me he would scream in my face and my husband was in seminary so my husband got like a week off and then had to go back and was gone from like 8:30 in the morning to like 10 o'clock at night every day for a long time and my kids were in school so I was at home with this stranger who hated me [[7:30]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=450s) yeah and I just remember sitting on the floor next to him as he was screaming at the door after Josh left and thinking all I can do is just be present with him right like he's screaming and screaming and screaming he has no idea that I'm here to love him but I can't show him that now so I'm just gonna sit and be a presence and I remember God just saying this is what I do with you you know you [[7:51]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=471s) scream and scream and scream and you want and you think that love is elsewhere but I'm sitting right here with you and that was just kind of like Jesus caring for me as I'm sitting here just being a presence for my child he likes me now don't worry three years later we're we're better but now we understand and we especially understand as adopted you know parents is that was fear like you know he was just walking [[8:15]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=495s) through so much trauma and fear yeah so in the moment it can be really hard to pull up all the compassion right totally it can and for that was more just it was n irritation it was more just deep sadness of what happened like God you said this was what you know this this is what you called us to like you made it clear over and over and over and you made it clear that Isaac was our child and yeah and I knew [[8:44]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=524s) about trauma and I knew about all these things but then experience it as something totally different than just hearing about it and reading about it right right the pictures we paint in our head and then the reality of that can often be very different I know was just in some q&as recently I remember a mom writing just about how she was commenting that her child would have a difficult time like Tantrums or not being able to calm down and when she [[9:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=553s) couldn't meet that child's need or was rebuffed the child didn't want to be soothed by the mom that was just so hard for her because the picture in her mind was that Mom meets the needs of the child and so that was that was very difficult it's so hard yeah even as you said that Stacy I just hear you know just remembering Isaac and his little black onesie he was wearing and like crying at the door and I'm just sitting [[9:43]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=583s) there and it's like we think we're to meet their needs and I like Jesus you got to meet his need you gotta be there you've got to show him who you are you've gota where your compassion on him right now I want so bad it was just heartbreaking right yeah well I know that when expectations are different from reality it really brings up a lot of stuff inside of us as and so you know some are positive [[10:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=611s) some are negative I love your story of just calling out to Jesus and saying Jesus meet me and hearing him speak to you in that moment but you talked about a little bit about rage you know every time I go through the framework with a parent and we talk about fast large and Loud I'm like oh yeah it feels so good in our bodies to get fast Ling wild right like it feels so good and I think [[10:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=636s) there's link could tell you all day about some sort of like thing that happens in the brain with the blood going from the you know from one end to like your big muscles and you know it just it feels so good and I was not used to those kinds of quick responses with children like I was a teacher and I babysat all the time me kids loved me and I was called like the pi Piper you [[10:56]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=656s) know and it was like well dang it where's the pi Piper now now you know yeah I just want to be on my phone in the closet all day long I don't want to you know and drink tons of tea with whipped cream on top but I can't you know because I'm just wait a minute where are you going with tea what do you mean man you gotta try it it's so good yeah so it's like I wasn't expecting [[11:18]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=678s) that and you know I think when we're not expecting that we can't be we can't think to do slow low and listen because we're we're expecting ourselves to be this kind gracious patient person you know but when we can name like okay I'm prone to rage when this child does this thing over and over then I can prepare myself to flow low and listen but yeah that that rage is so unexpected when it comes out of nowhere true so [[11:46]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=706s) what were some of the other like just negatives that you had to work through in yourself still working through right always are we're always a work in progress but as you think back to the work that you've done which I know is extensive just what were some of the things that you worked through and and how did God help you in those yeah I think the first thing was deep deep insecurity you bring this baby into the [[12:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=731s) world and you get a ton of advice right yeah or you get a ton of oh you shouldn't do this you should do this you're doing this wrong you know your baby's crying I remember in Bosnia Adeline our third baby was was screaming and crying and screaming and crying and screaming and crying and I was trying to seeo and it wasn't working and our our windows were not very well insulated MH and I got a ring on my doorbell and I [[12:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=756s) went down to open the door and it was this little elderly woman and she said ma'am don't you know to put bourbon on her gums to soothe her pain I'm just like thank you very much shut the door right but it's like we're getting advice from all of these little corners and it makes us question our abilities it makes us question you know are we enough like am I the Right mom for this kid even like when they're [[13:03]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=783s) getting older and they're having certain discipline scenarios you feel like you're not prepared for he start to question am I the Right mom like did God make a mistake in this you know and so like I really struggled a long time with some of my kids with that which just I'm not the right person for this I don't have what it takes you know like and I would never say God made a mistake but I was believing that and so being able to [[13:23]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=803s) look back and say no like God made me the mom for this child God chose this child for me and I'm the only mom that can fill these shoes nobody else can do it and then for Isaac our adopted one like God chose him to be in our family right and so just going back to that truth and meditating on that truth and saying okay God so if you chose me to do this you're gonna show up you're gonna [[13:50]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=830s) show up for me you're gonna show up for this child you're going to show up for the situation and I don't have to be afraid and I don't have to feel so vulnerable or can be vulnerable with you I can be vulnerable with trusted people because because you chose me that's my High Calling I love that it's what do I believe about God and who he is and is influence in my life and in the world [[14:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=853s) and how he created me and how he's taking care of people in my life the kids that he brought to me what do I believe about that that he's Sovereign he's in control that even in the midst of loss and hard things they're always is that especially around adoption right that he can make Beauty out of ashes and so he brought us together he thinks that I'm the fit Mom right right and I look back and I'm like what do you mean God [[14:44]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=884s) like really yeah like like I have to deal with this and this and this really you know but it's God says yes yes I'm gonna equip you to do it I'm gonna we're gonna go through the greatest journey together we're gon to go through the and the valleys and everything in between and we're goingon to have have the best adventure doing it together yeah you know and in the end you're going to be so much closer to your kids because you [[15:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=904s) went through it together right or you're going to have heartbreak but I'm gonna be there with you and so being able to really just trust him that he's working story is not over yet and he's always writing something he's always up to something so you've talked about how just one of the negatives that came out of the different expectations was the insecurities and that was so good we're going to go to a break and when we come [[15:29]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=929s) back I know that another big one is controlling and that's a negative so we got to talk about that and we'll do that right after the break [Music] Taylor when God's grace really lands in families kids get a personal experience of the kind of life that makes it natural for them to choose to follow Jesus well over the past 20 years of ministry we've seen this Grace come to life in generations of families from Minneapolis to Sydney and lots of places [[16:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=960s) in between as connected families enters this third decade of ministry we seek to reach the next generation of families by partnering with churches and nonprofits providing fresh online content and training and certifying parent coaches to walk alongside families anywhere in the world where parents are hungry for a better way we're so grateful to God to be part of the community that has joined his eternal mission to bring the grace and truth of Jesus Jus to life and [[16:30]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=990s) families from generation to generation will you join us for the Next Generation a gift of $50 covers the annual cost of your own weekly inspiration and pays it forward to another parent a gift of $250 equips a church mom's group or Ministry to register for a small group and $600 allows five families to participate in discipline that connects with your child's heart on full scholarship [[17:01]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1021s) consider donating today and thank [Music] you all right Taylor we're here after the break we've already had such a great conversation it's just fun to talk to another mom who's adopted and biological kids and we just have a similar story you were workers in Bosnia I am a missionary kid too so we have the international connection but you were talking about before we went to the break you were just talking about the behaviors that come out of us as parents [[17:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1054s) when we walk through hard times the journey and you had mentioned that one of them was insecurity but that you had received God's grace God's truth and how that had just transformed everything for you and so I want to dive into the second one I know this is part of the workshop that you did that I had mentioned but this is a big one for me too controlling right things start getting hard our kids aren't quote [[18:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1080s) unquote acting the way we think they should right you know and that's biological kids but then adopted kids have another layer of behaviors that come out of trauma that we maybe have never seen before and confusing and we don't know how to deal with it and we're thinking wait a minute the old ways that we were parented and maybe worked with with you know biological kids or they're not working and so now what so now we [[18:27]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1107s) have fear well I don't know about you but I kind of do because I know that's what we're going to talk about but it's true about me it's controlling tell me about that in your life that whole controlling thing I mean it really we talked about this in the workshop is it really goes back to having that insecure heart and not not trusting that God is gonna meet the Deep needs that I have needs like love and intimacy needs like [[18:52]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1132s) acceptance and belonging right relationship significance security we're so afraid that that's going to get attacked then we we try to cover our hearts with other things right and that's where those controlling behaviors come in so for me it it usually has to do with way up phone usage so I know you know I think I don't know if you get these but every Sunday I get a little notification saying you your screen time was up this much or was down this much [[19:19]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1159s) and if I can it was up a whole lot and I wasn't using it for a map to get everywhere there wasn't a reason for it to be up no oh okay let me look back back at my week here where was I trying to fill that need and that void myself through scrolling endlessly through shopping you know not buying anything but just shopping endlessly or Pinterest just all of these things are a wonderful resource to us right in a really great [[19:46]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1186s) you know great way that you know we have now to stay connected I mean the whole reason I was able to become a parent coach is because of these things you know but when I'm using these things endlessly and aimlessly and just keep on going and going and going that's kind of a clear sign that something's something I need to pay attention to there's other things like trying to explain myself over you know overe explain myself and [[20:09]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1209s) trying to be understood and if I feel like I'm not understood I'm just G to talk and talk and talk and talk to try to make somebody understand me even and louder and louder and louder right louder and louder and louder yeah right or or more and more flustered like but but but but I'm but but you know and you we just kind of get kind of lost in that spiral that really goes inward you know [[20:30]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1230s) judging other people like oh wow like well look at me with my baby she's not crying yeah right looking with my adopted child he he loves me he's giving me hugs and look at me everybody look at all the work I've done you know like after he hated me and then he started giving me hugs and which is really beautiful people for people to see who have seen the whole thing but it can quickly turn into a let me prove myself [[20:52]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1252s) kind of thing so withdrawing we're going through a really hard time right now and my tendency which is not my personality at all is to just kind of withdraw and kind of climb back into my bed and put my covers over my head because I can't with it so all of these things are you know there's there's there's a ton more and some of these things are not bad in of themselves like online shopping it's great it's so helpful right but when it [[21:16]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1276s) becomes a problem when we become obsessed and we can't stop We Can't Stop and we just scroll and scroll and scroll you know it really when it boils down like these behaviors you know basically just asking myself when I'm trying to prove myself what am I trying to do for me am I lashing out because I deeply don't know what to do and I can't feel like I can do it and I feel deeply deeply insignificant here am I you know [[21:41]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1301s) trying to become an expert on something because people need to know that I know something and I I provide value to the situation um am I going to try too hard in a relationship because it's got to work out because if it doesn't then that means that you know I'm not in right relationship with somebody else and that's just going to break down my whole system so these are kind of the things that can come up when we are insecure [[22:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1322s) and some of the behaviors that can happen when we controlling excessively cleaning we've seen people you know excessively working just over over and above because it's something that they can do I I find it interesting all of those things are not controlling of our kids because I know that we can get controlling of our kids too abely we need immediate change this was one for me right I as you to do the kitchen and I want it done now like I need you [[22:32]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1352s) getting up and going into the kitchen and starting in the distes right now until I realized whoa Stacy back up a minute that is all about you yep right and it just and it was just such a a check for me like how controlling do I have to be that they need to move immediately so that I know that it's getting done so that I can feel peace because B it was just BL it's a yucky [[23:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1380s) roller coaster right there it was such a simple shift for me to say hey I realize what's going on inside of me we all know that question here right on the podcast part of the foundation yes that we're asking and so I could just calm that puppy right down and say hey I need the kitchen cleaned can you get that started soon get the answer yes how much time do you think it'll take before you get in there and get started yes what a [[23:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1411s) change that was for me and for my child because I was handing some of that control off to them tell me what to expect let's come together and decide you know then it would be like oh in 20 minutes that's not going to work maybe maybe 10 could you get in there within 10 minutes yeah that was just one little way that I caught myself in controlling and then was able to switch that to a team solution right [[23:59]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1439s) absolutely that right there brings us into this right relationship with our kids right and it it really does satisfy that that longing you know and instead of you know we don't want to be the nagging mom we don't want to be the overbearing controlling we don't want our kids to remember Mom just wanted the house clean that's all she wanted you know we want to know that we've been in right relationship with our kids and you [[24:23]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1463s) know we when we work through the connected families framework we see that we see that we're set up for that right and it's our job to parent wisely and it's our children's job to respond wisely over time right like I can work the framework just right and my kids not respond with wisdom and that's not on me right that's that's their own heart work and to trust that God's at work there I don't have to jump them back to my old [[24:46]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1486s) way of well this way worked no it didn't no we it might have worked to have gotten the behavior if need it to happen immediately like that but it's not going to work to grow relationship in right right that story I just told I think about it in terms of adopted kids who have walked through more trauma maybe than others maybe or biological kids of all different personalities right you have the compliant or you know the kids that will be the arguers right [[25:17]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1517s) so control doesn't land too well especially on our kids who walk through trauma and it's reminding me of the sensitive and intense course which is coming out this next year I've been working a lot with Lynn on that and getting it produced and so it this is just you know it's just reminding me of how when kids have walked through chaar they have those underlying issues they have a tendency to just really rise up against that control and push back and [[25:47]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1547s) so even earlier in the show as you and I talked about how our adopted kids react in ways that we're not used to that was one of them for me was like that so then that control wow it made things bad it was a war then it was you want me versus you bring it on Mom I'm ready yeah so I really had to pull back on that as as soon as I really started understanding all of this and what a [[26:14]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1574s) difference it's made absolutely so say more say more about the switch that was my little story around control it's filled with grace and truth that's where it's me receiving that so that I can pass it done but I know that you have some other suggestions just around the switch the moving from control to what is the truth in the moment absolutely yeah and it starts with really just recognizing okay [[26:45]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1605s) this is not you know a simple addiction I feel like we use that word phone addiction like I just say phone addiction because that's my drug of choice you know whatever it is SM chocolate okay well I have that too Stacy I a lot actually but you know like really calling it what it is this is my controlling Behavior this is a clue this is a symptom of what's going on that's deeper and if I had a cough that [[27:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1633s) wouldn't go away I go see a doctor right so I have this controlling behavior that I can't stop or it's really hard to stop I'm G to go to the Savior and I might need to see a doctor too right I might need to see a mental health professional or a coach if if it's that different symptoms call for different people I'm going to see what's going on here and really like I need to to look at that [[27:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1654s) controlling Behavior okay I'm going to name it it's this okay when it happens when I go to it what comes right before that what am I anxious about what am I so afraid of or so or feel so overwhelmed by that's leading to this and then out of that like looking back and saying okay that thing that I'm anxious about let me uncover that a bit if I were to take away what's what's kind of guarding me if if the real world [[28:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1680s) were to see all of me like what does that look like and then moving to the fear or the threat what would that mean for me what's the worst thing that could happen if they saw who I really am and that's where I get oh that's where I break down a lot because I don't want people to see the hard stuff and we don't have to show the world the hard stuff you know but but just kind of [[28:20]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1700s) asking that question of ourselves oo okay and that think us the point where the gospel meets with our deepest sins and our deepest fears and needs is Jesus just taking care of us and picking us up there and saying I love you in spite of all I died for all of that right even when you were still Sinners right Romans eight and then I have a choice am I going to trust that God's going to show [[28:48]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1728s) up for me because right now this is real scary you know and so really when I can get to that point and say okay God I trust that you're here I trust that you're working I trust that the story is not over I trust that I am not a mistake my child is not a mistake this pairing is not a mistake it's so interesting because once we can actually really trust God in that then he gives us this [[29:10]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1750s) courage power and sound mind like he promises in his word right wow that is so really really really good I love it when you when you're talking about uncovering all the stuff it was almost like I could see if I had a print out of what I had been thinking about I I would not want anyone to read that print out right for me it's so critical I'm anyr number one right it's like I can just beat myself up over and [[29:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1778s) over again yeah and so all of that stuff and yet when I pay attention to what I'm thinking about then you're right I think then we can name it and we have to start there we have to start there and we can't just be like just stop it stop with the phone addiction put it down put it away lock like that's all the outer things we can do but until there's a a change of the heart that's not going to [[29:59]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1799s) happen that's hard isn't it Taylor because we have busy lives we're busy cleaning up milk and getting what Mommy I need a drink I'm thirsty I'm thirsty right all of those things and so can we just give everyone permission take time take time to go for on a walk go for a walk or sit at the park with your journal or do whatever you need but to pay attention to what you have been thinking about because that is what [[30:26]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1826s) produces emotion and that's what we behave out of and so when we do that work then we can invite Jesus into it and we can say hey Jesus what's your perspective on what's going on here and that's where you did that Taylor and did such a great job when you sat down with your son and said Jesus what do you want to say what do you want to be right here and we can get his perspective on our life and the other [[30:54]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1854s) place that you talked about receiving the truth of the Lord was courage power and sound mind yes so keep talking about that Taylor yeah and so you know like before we felt so afraid whatever the worst thing that could happen in our mind we were so afraid of that and then Jesus comes in and we we trust him that he's going to show up that he's working in our story and he gives us this courage this power and this sound mind [[31:21]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1881s) and when he does that then we can have the security and the significance we've been longing for because it's met in the one who never changed es instead of our kids behavior that is up and down or The Way We performed as a mom which can be up and down or the way our house looks which can be up and down right whatever it is our work performance you know and there's that security and that significance that comes from the one who [[31:44]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1904s) always provides it in a steady stream and that makes all the difference for how we then show up in life in parenting our kids and right yeah in our relationships because then that can lead to a peace and calm you know you look at the opposite is that anxiety we were so anxious about but now we can be now we can have that deep peace and calm from that security and that significance he gives and a [[32:10]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1930s) heartbeat yes it is and then like once we get to that point then we can love and serve others well instead of having the controlling Behavior as before we are able to serve and love others well in the way that it was designed it's an overflow of that deep Abiding and Trust in the Lord instead of that I don't trust God therefore I'm afraid therefore you know I I feel vulnerable and and fragil open then I'm anxious and then [[32:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1958s) okay I'm just gonna deal with it with this thing so what you just described is all of the work the foundation that's under the phrase that we say a lot can I be okay even if my child is not okay that's what you just described because without that work and without taking the time to let Jesus Infuse all of that control and anxiety and fear and all of that emotion around [[33:08]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=1988s) all of the unmet expectations or disappointment or traa or fear or all of the the controlling behaviors that we have without getting that perspective from Jesus then it is just true I'm not okay no when they're not okay right yeah you can't be right but pulling if we're pulling from that human you know way to fill the need it's never going to be okay yeah because life is not okay let's just say that not okay your kids could [[33:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=2018s) be perfect but they're not going to be perfect enough for you yeah it's about what is the truth how do I experience Grace so that I can be peaceful trusting in the Lord for the circumstances around me and you and I know circumstan can be very difficult yes they sure can I feel like Taylor you know I'm thinking about all of the people you know we just crossed over a million listens wow [[34:10]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=2050s) that's amazing it is I should have started off with that maybe I'll start off the next one with that because that is actually huge info um but I just kind of felt like I got this flash of thousands of faces of parents who listen to this podcast and are really walking through very hard things and they're thinking yeah I have got some of these I'm not scrolling too much I'm online chapping too much I'm showing too much [[34:37]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=2077s) rage and anger in my everyday life and that's because life is really really hard right now so I just feel like you're in a really special place to pass on compassion and so what I'm wondering Taylor is if you would pray for all of the parents who are listening to this podcast right now and really saying I need Jesus perspective yeah to get through this yeah i' love to pray and we'll end on that Jesus we thank you for [[35:07]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=2107s) being our Prince of Peace we thank you God that our okayness does not revolve around what we can see touch feel Lord our ESS revolves around your work on the cross and so Jesus for that Mom that is not sure that her kid's going to be okay to the mom who feels completely under the pile literally of laundry or messes or screaming children or KY baby Lord for those parents who just can't find [[35:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=2138s) time for each other and they're just craving that time but there is no time and they feel their marriage is dwindling God for the dad who is struggling to show up and doesn't want to repeat maybe his own childhood Lord just all these things God that are so hard all of our fears our worries our anxieties all of our hopes and dreams all of what we our expectations are of what parenting would be like or adoption [[36:07]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=2167s) father God I just pray that we would have the courage to pull back the curtain and let you examine and do your work and God that you would give us the grace to trust you more because we know that trust is in itself a deep work of your grace and your mercy and so Jesus as we come to this place and we we close in this podcast God I pray that that that parent that Mom that dad that you [[36:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=2191s) know is afraid to pick up the phone and call a friend or call a counselor or therapist or a parent coach that Lord you give that that parent that courage right now to do so so that you can begin this transforming work in their hearts and remind them that that they are a chosen generation a royal priesthood a holy nation that you may Proclaim your praises and call them out of Darkness into your glorious light in Jesus name [[36:56]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=2216s) amen amen amen amen Taylor thank you so much for being on the podcast with me today thank you it's been a joy thanks for tuning in today friends all the information about Taylor will be in our show notes so check it out there and if you've been inspired by today's podcast or other connected families resources we invite you to join the team of families who are paying it forward a gift of $25 will cover your own equipping for the [[37:27]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_7_e5oSQTQ&t=2247s) year and a gift of 50 will pay it forward to another family thank you for tuning in and for considering a year-end gift to Connected families well for more information about connected families follow us on Instagram or Facebook or go to Connected families.org I will see you next [Music] time