SELFISH PARENTING (8 things you should prioritize for YOU)

0:00 if you feel like you're giving giving giving and you feel like you're burning out and there's nothing left for you at the end of the day then this video is for you i'm gonna give you eight things that you should be prioritizing yourself in and maybe you'll call this selfish maybe you'll think it's narcissistic we're gonna talk about all of that but i promise you that if you follow these eight things you will actually be a

0:27 better mom or dad for your children and you'll enjoy your own life so much more you'll love parenting and you'll be able to parent from love in a much more effective way hi i'm avital i'm the mother of five i'm a mindset coach for parents and i'm the founder of present play which is an online membership that is dedicated to helping parents to create family bliss we have thousands of members from all over the world and this video is brought

0:57 to you free by present play because present play opens only once a year it opens its doors in april and we start the present play year in may we learn how to teach kids to play independently we learn how to take back our time and manage our schedules and calendars we learn how to make deep meaningful connections with our children but also to discipline them and to teach them and guide them in effective ways and so much

1:23 more so check out presentplay.com and you can get on the waitlist because it opens in april but meanwhile i would like to bring you some ideas here on these channels that can help you get started with reclaiming your life as a human being even though you're raising little children i think many of us can end up feeling burnt out and in survival mode like a floor rag because we're just kind of self-sacrificial and like a martyr and

1:49 just there's nothing left to us at the end of the day do you ever feel like that like you've been drained right every last drop of energy has been squeezed out of you because you're giving and giving and taking care and nurturing and looking after and cleaning up and doing all the things for everyone else well i am going to make the case today that infusing a little bit more selfishness or a lot more selfishness is

2:12 actually not selfish at all in fact it's so much better for your children to have a parent who feels well cared for i talk a lot about self-care and about putting your own needs first that idea of putting on your oxygen mask first so that you can take care of other people in present play we have a whole month dedicated to self-care and creating energy and abundant strength but let me get you started here with some core tips

2:39 number one is to start the day with you with caring for yourself i.e the first thing you do when you wake up i know what you're thinking that's impossible the baby's screaming the toddler's throwing things my kids are nagging at me or whatever else the day starts with someone else's needs right someone wants to nurse someone's hungry someone needs a diaper change believe me i get it i have five children of my own and they certainly start my day by

3:08 telling me all of their different needs simultaneously at once and it can be loud and overwhelming and i could kind of stumble out of bed still in my pajamas still groggy you know and get straight to taking care of them giving them breakfast changing diapers cleaning up but i don't call me selfish but i say to them just one minute please and i get dressed i make my bed i wash my face i show up to the day right i maybe put

3:38 some face cream on use the bathroom brush my teeth maybe have a quick shower i take a few minutes to take care of myself so that i can feel like i'm showing up like a human being to the day like a well cared for healthy human not someone who doesn't have time to shower who doesn't have time to change who oh it's fine i'll just wear the clothes with the spit up and the you know the

4:02 stains and the exhaustion and the sweat no i don't want to start my day like that and i know that i will be a lot less resentful and a lot more um nurturing and kind to my children if i make them wait for a few minutes and i take care of myself first now are there sometimes emergencies that can't wait for five minutes yes but on most days that's not the case on most days even though they

4:25 might whine or they might complain a little bit or even cry i say to them yes my love i hear you i'll be right with you i just need to get dressed first i just need two minutes in the bathroom first it's only a few more minutes but it makes all the difference to how i show up to my children so i want to suggest that you infuse a little bit of selfishness right at the start of your day and start

4:47 your day with you the first thing you do start your day with just a few minutes for you and watch the difference number two is eat for you i know that if you're anything like me it can be really hard to put yourself and your your nourishment first right you are constantly needing to take care of someone else of your child you need to prepare the meals and think about you know are they getting proteins and fats and carbs and all this

5:16 stuff and you need to prepare so much food every single day like oh my goodness they eat dinner every day again and again and again and cleaning up that food and it can be difficult to prepare food for yourself many parents tend to just pick at their children's leftovers or eat kind of toddler food or eat food that wasn't the food that they wanted to eat for their body but whatever my kid likes pasta so i'm just gonna eat the

5:42 pasta because that's what there is and i totally get it it's a kind of a tall order that i'm saying here oh prepare more food or different food for yourself but i think that food you know we are what we eat and what we put in our bodies makes absolutely every difference to the levels of energy and how we feel and our mood and our health of course and when we put that on the back burner and say well i don't matter

6:07 i'm just here as a vessel for making food for others but i'm not taking care of my own body and i'm not caring for my preferences or eating in accordance to my values and how i want to treat myself because i don't matter at the moment i'm just here to serve others i think that leads to resentment down the line i think that leads to a day-to-day feeling of low energy of low vibes of frustration and resentment i want you to

6:31 flip it around i want you to start your meals off by thinking what am i going to eat what do i want for breakfast what do i want for lunch etc and the reason i'm saying this is because i want you to know that in so many places around the world there's no such thing as kids food there's no such thing as a kid's menu kids are expected to eat whatever the adults eat in that family now even if

6:54 that's not the case for you like you're gonna cook yourself a really healthy wholesome breakfast and your kids are gonna eat whatever uh cheerios as my kids often do that's fine but it's still wonderful for them to see you eating that healthy breakfast that you put together in whatever your own times i'm not a nutritionist i'm not a doctor i'm not gonna tell you what to eat but i do want to encourage you to eat the things

7:17 that you want to eat despite being a parent despite being busy caring for other people's food this is about not eating just leftovers and not eating just kids food and not eating maybe the junk or the less healthy options or the less nutritious options that you are okay with kids eating because they're growing individuals and that works for them but maybe it's not what you want to eat for yourself maybe it is and if it is that's fine no shame but if it isn't

7:45 i just want to really encourage you to put yourself and your nutritional and health needs first number three is consume content for you when we become parents we often hear things like disney movies or barney or sesame street or i don't know what other characters are music on loop right like it's all about the kids music and the kids movies and the kids podcasts etc in the car we play music for the kids at home we're playing

8:12 podcasts for the kids etc and that's fine and all well and good and i'm not suggesting that you don't play those things for your kids but what if you could also play the things that you want to listen to for yourself maybe that means popping in a pair of headphones while you're driving and letting them hear their podcast and you hear yours of course there's a value to listening to things together as a family and consuming content together and

8:36 discussing it and being part of that experience together that's lovely but if you do that all the time you might start to feel like your brain is rotting like you're not interested in all this kid's material especially if it's for little kids it's just not interesting for you and you have all these interests and things that you do want to learn and you can't do it because you're a parent and that can also build resentment and

8:57 frustration towards your children towards life you know as a parent so change that up i want to really encourage you to put on music that you love instead of always playing kids songs at home what about playing your own classical music or rock or punk or whatever it is that you like listening to it's a great opportunity to educate your children and expose them to other genres and it's also a way of making your home a place that you like to be by

9:22 the way if you want my tips on creating a high vibe home i will link that video below because it's so important to make your home a place that you love being and i have a lot of tips on that so when you buy books for your children when you download podcasts when you listen to music and when you watch movies as a family try to make these experiences that are fun for you as well not just

9:47 you sitting through something mind-numbing and boring for your children's sake but something that you can enjoy either as a family or just for you separate to them as in the podcast example when we watch family movies i really try to find movies that the whole family can enjoy and many movies are designed so that the adults really get something and the kids get something kind of different and we can enjoy the same piece of content on different

10:13 levels of understanding i don't want to watch movies that i don't want to watch i don't have an hour and a half to burn on just sitting through you know things that i'm not interested in i want to watch a movie that i too will have a level of enjoyment with and if i'm not going to enjoy it that's fine for my kids to watch it without me but i'm not gonna sit through things that i'm just

10:33 gonna suffer through because that will just build my frustration towards my children and not bring us closer together or help me to enjoy my life as a parent number four is go to places that you love going go to activities go on outings do things that you love to do are there concerts you love to go to museums hikes certain sports that you love to do do you love to go to the beach what are the things that you

11:01 really enjoy that set you a light right what are the things that really um give you that glint in your eye don't give up on those things because you're a parent try and find a way of incorporating those things into your family life often people will say to me i love hiking but my kid complains the whole way that it's boring or that they can't be bothered and i think to myself i get it my kid

11:24 sometimes complains on hikes too but i push through and i continually try to create that family culture of hiking because it's so important to me i love being out in the forest i believe that it is healthy for them i believe that overcoming a little bit of frustration or tiredness or laziness or whatever is actually really good for my kids i want them to see me as a role model of someone who moves their body and is out

11:48 in nature a lot and so really even though it's not their highest preference i still take my kids on hikes and sometimes they totally love it and get into it and enjoy it and sometimes they complain the whole way so yes there's sometimes a price to pay but oftentimes that's worth it because your kids are gaining a new skill because you're getting to enjoy your life and you're getting to model something that's valuable and important to you if you

12:14 think that there are certain concepts or festivals or events or restaurants you want to eat in you want to go to this is an opportunity to kind of train your kids in in the way of life that you love in the cultural aspects that you enjoy and are interested in and i think that's inherently valuable for them and for you right for the whole holistic unit so don't give up on the things that you love doing find a way of doing them with

12:39 your children or without your children that's also you know appropriate at times of course um but the main thing that i want to make sure that you're not doing is giving up on them all together number five is to organize your home for you ultimately even though your house is your children's home as well you are the ultimate responsible one who's going to be tidying up and organizing and making sure that the home runs smoothly you're in charge at the

13:07 end of the day of making sure that everything happens right and so even though they should help with laundry and they should help with tidying up and they should clean up their own things and they should keep their own rooms you know organized etc ultimately you're the leader and you're the parent and you set the tone and often the responsibility falls to you and therefore i think you should set boundaries and you should feel very uh you know

13:32 comfortable i think this might sound selfish but i think ultimately it's just good leadership to teach your children and to set boundaries around how much stuff you're really willing to have where you're really willing for them to keep their stuff i'll give you an example if kids want to hang up things all over the house with sellotape but that feels cluttered to you or it ruins the paint on the walls this is a perfect place for

13:55 you to exercise boundaries and leadership and say no and you can dedicate a cork board or a magnet board and say here's where you can hang up stuff and the rest of the house i don't allow it and the reason i think that that kind of selfishness is very good is because you want to create a home that you find easy to run and that you find enjoyable to be in your kids don't realize just how much stress those types

14:19 of things can cause you right if you say to them look we can't buy any more cards because i find the cards all over the house and i end up bending down to pick them up about 50 times a day and it's just too much for me right i'm dedicating this one basket you can have this basket you can fill it with as many cards as you want but we're not doing more than that that's the limit because

14:42 that's how much our home can hold right we just don't have space for more than that it's perfectly okay to set limits on things you're willing to buy on how many stuffed animals you're willing to have on how many games and toys you're willing to have on how many clothes shoes etc you're willing to have based on your environment and based on your capacity to keep it organized and to feel like your home is well run that is

15:05 not selfish i know sometimes we might feel but it's their home too and they should have full creative licenses of their rooms no they should have some creative license of their rooms but not full they can't just draw on the walls or hang things everywhere or keep it messy if ultimately that's gonna fall to you and ultimately that's gonna cause you stress it's a loop that will come back and bite them in the butt in the

15:26 end and that's not good for them and not good for you so basically feel perfectly free to organize your home in accordance to your needs and limit uh the amount of stuff in your home including your children's own possessions to the amount of stuff that you can manage number six is to shop for you and primarily i mean supermarket shopping and food shopping but i think this is also true of clothes and toys and books as well mainly i want

15:55 to say you are in control of what you pay for you do not have to pay for items that you don't believe in that you don't enjoy and that you don't want around your home if you don't want certain food items in your pantry don't buy them if you don't want certain video games or toys or noise makers of of any kind in the house don't buy them you have that power and you have that um that

16:22 responsibility for a reason you're the adult you set the tone you set the values you set the culture of the home and of course you want to take your children's preferences into account and you want to create a home where they are absolutely at home and have the things that they love but again you're the leader and you set the values and the tone and you're going to teach them and guide them and part of that is how you

16:45 use your dollars so saying you're willing or unwilling to spend on something to buy something or to own something is absolutely appropriate it is not selfish or if it is it's selfish in the best kind of way number seven is to make friends for you join communities find families even schools or churches mosques synagogues community centers local playgrounds sports teams etc any kind of group of people that you want to belong to that

17:16 you want to hang out with some of my children's best friends all of my children's best friends are children of my best friends our best friends as a couple people we love to hang out with and then it's just so amazing because the families love to hang out together right so it's not just me dropping my child off for a playdate with a family i don't know and with parents that i'm not particularly close to but instead it's a

17:42 much more um holistic relationship where i have a great relationship with the parents and the kids have a great relationship with each other now i know this is a you know there's a lot of luck involved in this you can't always find couples that both want to get along and kids that all get along and everyone's happy clappy together it's it's kind of a miracle when it happens but on the other hand it's actually something you can

18:03 really work on i feel both very lucky and also very proud of the work we've done to create and foster and find and seek and nourish those relationships with people and with their children to create these kind of full family friendships i think it's incredibly enriching it really feels more like community and less like these kind of pinpointed friendships that oh you know someone they met at school someone they met at a class um but rather

18:29 these families that we know we're going to grow old with that we're going to travel with that we're going to do life together right it's kind of like extended family or like family that you choose for yourself and so i really want to encourage you to find friends that you enjoy hanging out with and try to foster relationships that work both for the adults and for the children right invite the parents to stay during the play day invite the

18:53 families to meet for a full day hike or for a picnic or for an outing or even to travel together eventually these are the types of things that actually make parenting really fun because rather than just again chauffeuring your kid around to a playdate you also get to connect you also get deep meaningful social connections with other people in present play we dedicate an entire month to building your village and how to create these crucial connections both for

19:18 children and for adults um but i really want you to like get on this mindset right now at how important it is to build your village right to build your community and to have those key friendships that support you and then encourage you and that feel meaningful to you and to your children so you are not just here as uh you know your child's secretary uh running their social calendar and getting them to social events and making sure that they

19:44 have friends you are here as the entire family social secretary for yourself as well and ensuring that you have those meaning with full relationships too and finally number eight is to say no for you say no for things that you don't want and i think this is such a pitfall for us parents we get blinded by things that our children nag us for maybe they're nagging for a puppy or for a trip to disneyland or for a video game

20:13 console or for snacks or for you know a bouncy house i don't know any random thing that they want that's either too expensive and it's just not in our budget or it doesn't align with our values and our goals or it doesn't align with our health approach you know anything that just isn't what we want like a puppy is a great example where so many kids will want a dog and parents will kind of cave and get one i'm not

20:41 realizing that ultimately it's the parents who are going to need to really pay the price you know the financial price and the time investment and ultimately it's the parents dog like let's be honest most children are not going to take full responsibility they're not going to be taking that dog to the vet and walking them twice a day and doing all the things that need to be done and so if a parent is not truly invested in

21:04 like yes i want a dog i want a dog and you want a dog so this is great let's all get a dog together then it could end up being one of these points of resentment where you're like well like you know we went out they nagged us for it eventually we got this dog and now they never even play with a dog and they don't take responsibility for dog and it all falls on me and i want to say yeah

21:23 that's gonna happen with a lot of things so if your kids are pushing you to get something that you feel is not in the budget or it does not align with your long-term goals or isn't in your family vision and these are things that you can and should be selfish about be clear on it isn't narcissism it isn't selfishness it isn't not giving your children the life that they deserve it's actually very very wise and attuned to the

21:49 relationship and realizing if i do this i'm going to end up frustrated angry exhausted and resentful of my child and i'm not gonna show up as the parent that i wanna be because i'm irritated that i caved and gave into something that i don't wanna actually do or don't wanna pay for and don't do those things you don't have to that's not your job to you know be the entertainment center for your child and make sure they have

22:14 everything that they could possibly desire it's perfectly okay for them to want things that they can't get in fact it's very healthy for them and it's perfectly okay for you and necessary for you to say no to the things that ultimately you don't want you don't want to do and are going to build frustration and resentment long term all right guys so these were my eight selfishness hacks if you like uh to become the parent that

22:36 you want to be to enjoy parenting and things that you really should prioritize yourself over you should put yourself first in these arenas and putting yourself first means that you'll be a better parent to your children means that they'll see a model of a leader and someone who knows what values they stand behind and how they want to run their home and even if it causes some frustration or some waiting or some irritation for your kids or some

23:01 disappointment that's really healthy for them they have to learn to deal with disappointment to deal with waiting a few minutes to deal with not getting exactly what they want and that's really healthy for you as well because you will show up with much better energy and much less resentment over time all of this is going to help you to love parenting and to parent from love if this video was helpful for you do me a favor hit that

23:24 subscribe button the notification bell and the like and leave me your comment below one of these eight points is going to be a crucial game changer for you and how are you going to implement it asap all right guys don't forget to sign up to the wait list for present play at presentplay.com we open in april only once a year that's the only opportunity to join and then we all go through the program together and i would very much

23:49 love to see you on the inside if you want to transform your parenting and really really create family bliss in this most meaningful project of your life present play is the place to do that and i really look forward to going through the journey with you much love and namaste