Detach: how men show up

0:01 I'm Dr. Orion Taraban and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology. And the topic of today's short talk is detach. So, attachment theory has been enjoying a huge resurgence in the collective consciousness. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of books and workbooks and workshops and podcasts and pundits of all stripes preaching the good doctrine of attachment theory. And many people currently believe that this theory holds the key to satisfying and successful relationships.

0:35 I am less convinced. As I said before, attachment theory is real science. It has a robust empirical base, but it has absolutely been over generalized beyond the available evidence in the popular imagination. Along with love languages and the Myers-Briggs personality test, attachment theory completes the trifecta of secular astrology for millions of people. The arguments I'm going to make here are going to run counter to prevailing ideas and maybe even upset some people. But that might come with the territory when you go against the grain. So, here it goes.

1:17 When it comes to relationships, attachment is more important for women than it is for men. I can't say it any simpler than that. And I'll say it again. Attachment is more important for women than it is for men. Attachment is a female concept. This is not to say that men are incapable of experiencing it, just like I wouldn't argue that women are incapable of experiencing, say, honor, which is a masculine male concept. However, attachment and honor clearly resonate differentially across the genders.

1:56 So, why is it being pushed as the panacea for all relationship ills? As I discussed in my episode He's Not Your Girlfriend, the feminization of the therapeutic industry has mystified female experiences, desires, expectations, and relationship preferences as right and healthy. They are not. They are, at best, right and healthy for probably some women. Not even all women. And attachment theory is probably the single worst culprit of this phenomenon I could possibly point to.

2:35 Where did attachment theory come from? It originated out of experiment experiments involving mothers and their infant children. There were literally zero men, zero, zero men present in any of the studies that established attachment as a psychological concept. That's equivalent to running a study on frontline soldiers in World War II and using the results to explain the behavior of women in modern-day relationships.

3:07 Now, what we've learned from the research that has transpired since the strange situation is that the psychoaffective experience of attachment is largely mediated by the neurotransmitter oxytocin. And did you know that, on average, women have three times as much oxytocin in their systems at any given time as men do? At this point, you only have to do some very simple reasoning with these two facts to conclude that the average man is never ever ever going to be as attached in his relationships as the average woman is.

3:45 And trying to whip him and guilt him and shame him and educate him into behaving like a woman and feeling like a woman and relating like a woman is not only a disrespectful of who he is as like a human being who happens to be a man, but B, absolutely corrosive to the quality of the relationships he has with women as well. As I've stated previously, it's a much better idea for couples to play into the strengths of the individuals involved and develop complementary skill sets than it is to spend an inordinate amount of time, energy, and money attempting to transform a weakness into a mediocrity.

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5:02 Especially then. Couldn't have said it better myself. Orion AI, now available on iMessage and Telegram. Go to orion.ai for more info. The link is in the description. Look, attachment is more important for women because, among other things, attachment is an emotional experience. And as I've said before, in relationships, women are generally loyal to their feelings and men are generally loyal to their commitments. If you pay attention to what I'm saying, I'm arguing that neither is actually loyal to the other. They are loyal to specific constructs that supersede the person in question.

5:43 The main difference is the male construct is typically more enduring than the female construct, which is a part of why women initiate the majority of breakups and divorces. My point here is that, since women are more loyal to their feelings, it is really really important for them to feel secure in their relationships. And the more securely attached they are to the men they are in relationships with, the more stable, the more enduring, the more easygoing, and the more loving the relationship tends to be.

6:19 It's very popular these days for men of It's very popular these days for women to accuse any man who doesn't commit to them as being avoidant. And there's probably some truth to that. Like, probably some of those men are actually avoidant. Like, according to the epidemiological data, there are more avoidant men than avoidant women. However, this explanation demands a quick sidebar. Rather than arguing with the science that men don't attach like women do to their lower concentrations of oxytocin, as previously noted, the predominant explanation is avoidant attachment is more common in men due to traditional gender scripts. Hmm. Like, that is a direct quote from Google if you ask that question. And this squares nicely with the agenda of feminization in the therapeutic institution. Not only does it mystify women's ways of relating as right and healthy, but it de- denigrates men's ways as wrong and toxic. But ah, I digress.

7:26 While there probably are more avoidant men than avoidant women, I'm willing to bet that, jeez, at least some of the men that have been put in that category by women aren't actually avoidant, just detached. And if women fundamentally benefit from attachment theory, I'm going to argue that men fundamentally benefit from detachment theory. Detachment theory actually has a pretty robust basis in the literature as well.

7:58 It is, essentially, the path to wisdom and mastery in like every single religious and philosophical tradition on this planet. From the cross of the Christians to the self-possession of the Stoics. I mean, do you remember what the Buddha argued was the root of all suffering? You're not going to believe this, but he said it was attachment. Attachment! Like, you can't make this up. It's the same [ __ ] thing that is being told as the single most important aspect of your relationship. Maybe, just maybe, I don't know, it could actually be responsible for causing some of the unnecessary suffering in our relationships when it's applied in a carte blanche fashion like that. I don't know, possibly.

8:46 Okay, here's a quote from my favorite translation of the Tao Te Ching, the one by Stephen Mitchell. Chapter 12. The master observes the world, but trusts his inner vision. He allows things to come and go. His heart is open as the sky. He lets things come and go. Who hurt you, Lao Tzu? You clearly don't care if you treat your relationships like that, etc., etc. Probably best that the father of Taoism isn't around today. If he were, I doubt his philosophy would ever see the light of day.

9:22 Unpopular opinion, but if I'm going to maintain the frame of the relationship that is direct it, protect it, provide for it, in a word, lead it, then I cannot be attached to the woman in question. I can be committed to her, but I cannot be attached to her. In fact, I need to be sufficiently detached in order to be able to do what is necessary and appropriate, which may not feel good to the woman in question.

9:54 And if I'm too attached, the woman's emotions will have a significant impact on my own emotional state, and that might compromise my ability to do what I need to do for me, for her, and for the relationship. A man who becomes attached is like a leader who follows by popular opinion. He follows the followers, which almost always makes things worse for everyone. In point of fact, the key to wisdom, to peace, to equanimity is detachment.

10:32 This is not the same as indifference. Indifference is a lack of presence and investment. Detachment is independence from outcome. It means, ultimately, that a man can take or leave his relationship. That's right. That's healthy. And that he will be good either way. As a master can make use of whatever life gives him. And it is this groundedness, this absence of either fear or desire, that allows a man to steer his ship with a clear eye and a stout heart.

11:09 That's what I got for you today. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below, and please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message. I know you know somebody who needs to hear this about attachment theory. It's like gotten out of hand. Because it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. Other value propositions? Anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter, for which I write original content, or book a paid one-on-one consultation with yours truly, can find out more information on my website. There's also my books, the best-selling Value of Others, in which I examine my interpersonal economic model of relationships, and my novel Starry Night, where I explore the final weeks in the life of painter Vincent Van Gogh through a psychological lens.

11:54 Finally, there's my member community, The Captain's Quarters, where I bridge the gap between theory and practice. You've been listening to all of these YouTube videos, you've read the books. How do you put it into practice in your own life? Well, that's what The Captain's Quarters is for. I host live group consultation calls, where I take these teachings and apply them to your unique circumstances in real time. Check it out. It's a great value proposition. Links to everything are in the description below.

12:20 As always, I appreciate your support, and thank you for listening.