Transcript
0:00 if I want to communicate to my child you are God's workmanship called and capable maybe even in the context of a misbehavior means we have to have a sharp eye for drawing out that capability in 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says incourage one another and build each other up and I think that's not just in happy circumstances but it's anytime and it doesn't just apply to our adult relationships it applies to our kids so as we seek to encourage and build
0:31 capability a key skill in this is affirmation some of the keys actually to effective affirmation isn't to just say something general like oh good job I mean that's kind of like cold oatmeal there's nothing to it uh or just a a a fluffy cotton candy kind of oh you make mommy so proud that's just all about managing mommy's emotions or Dad's emotions uh but to affirm effectively whether we've created the opportunity or we've just notice something that our
1:00 child has done is really important it's like powerful fertilizer on that behavior on that value on that attitude so we've developed a little acronym to help parents be really effective when they are affirming their kids it's kind of the meat and potatoes and veggies of affirmation and it's ABC A is for Action B is for benefit and C is for character so the action what did your child do put some detail
1:33 into saying exactly what they did well so for example wow you shut the computer down a few seconds before the timer went off now the child knows exactly what they did that was helpful so it builds skills because they know what they can do again next time and then the B is for benefit when you get off the computer quickly it helps keep things peaceful around here and now you're eligible to to use all of your computer time
2:02 tomorrow so it shows them the benefit in the immediate situation for them for others and it you can also talk about the benefit uh long term as well understanding when I do a I get b b happens builds wisdom in kids so that they begin to want to to do the right thing uh and then the C is the character it answers the question simply what did it take to do that wise behavior um so in this example that we're using it
2:31 takes flexibility and self-control to stop doing something you love when it's time to be done that was very mature of you very grownup so when we highlight that c that character it begins to build a positive identity for our kids to affirm a child in this way if I was to read them all through start to finish takes less than 30 seconds but it takes a committed desire to do that that's the hard part it's not really the time it's
2:58 the desire to do that an example of someone who really persisted at this and was committed to changing at this is the story of a mom named Patty Patty was a perfectionist she was hard on herself hard on her kids and particularly her oldest son Devon who under the surface was really hard on himself because he was not like his social athletic younger brother so Patty and her husband had been working to really affirm uh Devon and to encourage
3:29 him and they started sending him emails even CU Devon loved emails and so he'd get these emails of their encouragement their affirmation and he really started to respond to that but they sort of let that drift a bit just in in a couple of weeks and then they got this email from Devon mom or dad you forgot sending me emails so can you just start emailing me randomly again okay and then he went on to affirm his mom also Mom I liked
3:58 yesterday how you comment commented on the good things I did rather than the bad things and you didn't do anything bad to the dog when he ate Luke's birthday cake if I had made a cake and spend my time on it I would have felt like beating that dog bad so that was his affirmation of his mother and then he says I'll think of nice things to say to you too Dad but I think today mom needs it more I love you
4:24 and then 20 exclamation marks and then he signs his full name Devon Sutherland is that cute or what but that's the heart of a child responding to affirmation when his mom through her ups and downs persevered and encouraging and affirming him
Summary
- Effective affirmation goes beyond generic praise; it should be specific and meaningful.
- The ABC method includes detailing the child's action, explaining the benefit of that action, and highlighting the character traits involved.
- Specific examples help children understand what behaviors to repeat and why they matter.
- Affirmation can be a powerful tool for building a child's self-esteem and identity.
- A story of a mother, Patty, illustrates the transformative power of consistent affirmation, even in challenging circumstances.
- Children respond positively to encouragement, as seen in Devon's request for continued affirming emails from his parents.
- The commitment to affirming children requires intentionality and a desire to foster their growth.