Jagriti Practice Session 10feb2026

0:04 Yeah, people noticing >> Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. >> I'm noticing a tendency in me of being self-critical with all that's coming up for me. Like a part of me which is continuing to engage in let's say my old ways of being and another part which is alive with its feeling of wanting to do things differently. >> Mhm. uh in touch with this rat >> superb that's an that's an ideal uh equation of somebody who is in who is between conscious incompetence to conscious competence so that's that's very natural anything new you do you you become we become very very conscious about ourselves you know uh just because I'm doing something new I'll become anything for that matter so That's very natural.

0:59 Okay. Superb. Anybody else? Whatever you are thinking, feeling now that we are midway to Jagrati, approximately midway. >> So I would like to share um that since I've started attending the sessions and thinking a little bit about what is being talked about, I have started I've started observing my kids. Yes. a little and I've observed myself that I am a little less frustrated now, a little less uh you know anxious and a little less uh shouting on them like you know just frustrated on any feeling on anything happening in my life even if it is not related to my kids. So I'm a little quieter and a a calmer person now I think I'm hopefully I will be >> right. Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry even I am just a little little you know from there. Don't worry.

2:05 Yeah. More thoughts anybody else wants to share? So uh I would like to share uh like after attending uh sessions I was actually observing my child but the way you have explained no uh it helps me a lot every time you know before reacting I try to take a pose and just not uh you know start bombarding or at least once I give myself a chance but still not on a consistent way. There are some time where I lose my patience but uh yes and my husband is always there to remind me that you know what is your belief system. It it it looks like another is talking with me. [laughter and gasps] So whenever I have any doubt or you know just goes into uh like when we have multiple thinking uh going on. So he keeps asking me what is your belief system? what what images are there that you are carrying along. So that helps me a lot but yes definitely helping me to you know stay calm and uh reaction has been you know bit less than I used to react.

3:26 >> Sure. And if anytime you feel angry with me please you can punch a in place [laughter] of me. Yeah. Is is is that fair enough? I [laughter] think you are on mute. >> Oh really? Can you hear me? Others could hear me. >> I I was just saying Kupa that anytime you are angry with me you can punch him in my place. [laughter] That's what I was saying.

3:57 >> Yeah. Okay. Anybody else wants to share anything? Yeah, in my case it's same. I have started thinking twice before scolding my six-year-old which I you know I have started thinking twice before scolding her. I used to say now I used to say myself have patience what you have to take care of her feeling as well and also protect your feeling and your thing as well. Thank you so much. Thanks to Arohi.

4:47 Okay. Okay. Let's start with a very small activity and somehow I like to do all music related activities. So it's it's a tiny um uh tiny activity. Actually this is a clip from a movie based on uh the group Queen. I don't know if you know Queen or if you have watched their movie. Any which way even if you don't know either that's okay. If you have watched the movie then you can relate to. So it's a scene and actually I I'm not going to do this activity. The activity is already happening inside the movie scene as in one of their band player is making others do something.

5:30 Now what I want you to just join him in as if you are also one of his band player and there are some dialogues and all which you which are not very very important but just just be with the with what is he trying to make everybody do. Okay, it's a small clip I think about couple of minutes. Um if you know Queen then you will know what this song and everything is all about right. Okay. Um just confirm to me that I have enabled the sound sharing also. Yeah. Okay.

6:00 [clears throat] So, be ready to create some little music with them. >> Screw it. >> Everyone up on the drum rises. >> Up on the drum rises. >> Come on. >> Thank you, Chrissy. Showing some enthusiasm. >> Wives and everyone. >> Come on, John. Everyone, I'm not waiting any longer. >> She's invading all of us. >> Get up, please. No, you don't need it. Get up. But come on, Rod. Just take your time.

6:31 >> All right. What's this about? >> Remember our last concert? The crowd were singing our songs back to us. I mean, it was deafening, but it was wonderful. They're becoming a part of our show. I want to encourage that. So, um, I've got an idea to involve them a little bit more. Let's start with this stamp to this beat. Genius. >> Thank you, John. Come on. >> Come on. >> Good.

7:04 Now I want you to clap on the third beat. >> Don't speed up. >> Roj, keep that time. >> No printer, sir. >> I hope you're able to get the rhythm. It's It's two times tapping with the feet and one time clapping. Right. That's why he said, "Oh, God." Genius. It's unusual to see you without your clone. >> It's unusual seeing you be so >> Oh, you get a time watch. GOOD.

7:35 >> What's going on? >> You know if you're on time. >> I'm a performer, darling, not a Swiss train conductor. >> Sorry I'm late again. >> All right. Now, will you please tell me why you're not playing any instruments? I want to give the audience a song that they can perform, right? Let them be part of the band. So, what can they do?

8:09 Imagine thousands of people doing this in unison. Huh? What? >> Um, yeah. anything uh sorry you took from this little this little activity done by one of the bad members >> going with the flow like not planning about the result or >> Mhm. Mhm. Not being ready. Starting without being ready.

8:52 >> Yep. Starting without being ready. >> Yeah. Spontaneous in >> spontaneity. Yeah. Spontaneity. >> Breaking it down into simplifying. >> Ah, simplify. Sorry, did I say simplify? [laughter] Yeah. Simplify or simplify or simplify. Same thing. >> Yeah. Courage. courage okay >> to experiment to experiment something which is not uh a regular part of their plan >> they are just enjoying focusing on enjoyment only >> yes enjoy experiment what is not part of you include intuitive don't wait for the results else. Try it out. Already you've said [laughter] enough.

9:51 But you know, it's all there [laughter] in one little clip. It's all there. What else? What else? Connecting. Yeah. Somebody had said connecting. Yeah. Engagement. Connecting. What else? Simple. Yes. There was trust that uh he he was having that environment where he can say what he wants to say. Experiment the trust. >> Yeah.

10:34 Okay. I think this match is good enough. I think if I could put all of this only into uh my daytoday working that itself will be magical [laughter] if whatever you sh can be more layers I'm sure but uh yeah very very um yeah making the moment enjoyable. Yeah. Yeah. We we we are too too caught up with making things happen you know the results not enjoying it. Yeah. I I I keep saying to people I think I believe it's maybe just few of us who believe like that but the the primary uh role or responsibility of a parent is to enjoy the child that's what I think that's my belief system I that's my role my role is not anything else just to enjoy the child I think that itself is if you start enjoying then lot of things happen.

11:34 Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's uh let's start somewhere. Where do you want to start? We have feelings, we have uh um thinking, we have images, we have habits of mind. Obviously, beliefs are everywhere. So, I'm not calling that as one thing. That's that's the that's the fundamental platform. What do you want to start with? So one option is we take individually with uh where did I go? Sorry. Uh another option is we take one situation and see that through all of those. That is also possible.

12:13 >> Sorry. >> Take one situation and go through all of those. >> Okay. Okay. Okay. We can do that. But uh if you are sharing a situation can't be your situation. You see the reason is that it's easier to be um you know give easier to give gan on other situation. Am I right? [laughter] So so it's just to objectify it you know it's a little zoom out. It's easier to zoom out on other people's situation than on your [laughter] own.

12:46 Um so let's start with if you want to share a situation which has to be somebody else's. It could be anybody a neighbors an aunt an uncle or anybody else in Jagrati or anything. Um it doesn't matter if you want to do that way that we take up a situation. Okay. So I have the slide lined up. Where is my slide? Come on. Right. It's waiting s first situation. Yeah.

13:18 [snorts] Anything. It could be even something you saw in a movie or you saw read on a story book or uh anything. How does it till it is not like beating on your heart? [laughter] It will do good. Okay. Um, this is about a boy in our community.

13:48 >> Mhm. >> And uh he is very active and uh uh >> just tell us the situation. That's it. Don't give us the background. >> All right. When uh when he enters the park, all the other kids are uh literally afraid of him. [snorts] >> No, no, tell us the situation. What is what happens? uh when when he enters as in u >> or you say yesterday when he entered or day before you know when in in in kind of present tense in in something which is happening.

14:19 >> Yeah. When this when this boy entered the park >> and my daughter or like uh uh kids like they ran they wanted to be away from him. They they alerted each other that this boy is here and they all started taking their things and keeping it safe. That's what >> Okay. >> Child A walks in. Others move away seeking let's say safety. Right.

14:52 >> Right. Correct. Mainly for the objects. >> Okay. mainly for the objects. about the objects uh you can give some data as in if you have seen what does he do with the data with the objects does he throw them does he take them >> what the first thing I the first thing is that the balance cycle he comes he takes a cycle and he goes and drop leaves it wherever he feels like and he comes he he he will even take the tiffen box and he will eat and he'll just throw it and he'll go to the next child whoever is active he'll go towards them Mhm.

15:32 And he would like to be a part of uh everybody. Okay. Cool. Okay. And let's assume we are just there as in not as a parent. If our child is not there, we are just there as a uh as an individual. Right? H now you can start sharing wherever uh if any image is kicking in your mind you can start there if any hom is kicking in your mind you can start there if any if you want to acknowledge either the children running away or that child's feelings you can start there whatever what if you want to say this is what I want in this situation say that wherever you want to start so we we need not go in any order although it says is 1 2 3 4 5 6 which is ignore the numbers.

16:31 >> Uh as he enters uh the in the park uh we can offer him a chocolate and they'll say uh I have bought it for you. >> Mhm. Okay. You think it falls under which one of these? um understanding his feeling of taking things from others. >> No no then you talk about the feeling then where does this chocolate come in?

17:02 If you want to connect with his feelings then please talk to him or connect with his feelings. Talk not just talk to him as a verbal is one way. Please connect with one of his feelings. >> He's don't offer chocolate. That's not part of 1 2 3 4 5 6 bribery is not part of it. >> Empowering is one aspect uh that I commonly see.

17:35 >> Wait, wait, wait. Now you say what would you do? >> Um allowing himself empowering him. Allowing him to be himself. >> Okay. So when you say allowing him to be himself, what do you mean? Uh not interfere. >> Yeah. When he comes and uh uh Yeah, correct. Not interfere. Correct. >> Yeah. We're talking about in terms of actions. No, not not >> Yeah. Not inter correct.

18:06 >> Okay. others >> from what I understood looks like the child is uh the child who is proactive child he is uh seeking sorry he is actually trying to connect with the people around so he's seeking attention from them uh so I think it is also important for uh other kids I think we can also >> what wait what are you wanting to too.

18:38 [clears throat] >> Which which window are you looking from when you say that? That's your assumption that he's seeking >> attention. >> Uh we don't none of these 1 2 3 4 5 6 are not assumptions. So you want to play around with your belief that my belief is that he's seeking attention and I would like to maybe maybe Adam maybe maybe he's not seeking attention or something. >> Yeah. Do you want is that your belief that is playing up and do you want to yeah I'm assuming okay I'm believing that he is seeking attention so >> so what would be your new belief play around with your belief straight away >> you mean another belief >> sorry yeah adopt another belief or play around with this belief change it or explore an alternate to this.

19:35 >> Oh, >> whichever you are having right now, >> he's seeking attention. If not that since he's take your time, take your time. Others you can come in. So, Sindu is thinking about her belief which is or maybe an image. It's it need not be a belief also. It could be an image about the child. It could be an image about you. It could be an image about other children. So anybody feelings I would like feelings I would like to play along with him to to go with the flow.

20:21 >> Yeah. So how will you uh give importance to his feelings? What will you do >> to involve in his play? >> No. No. That's not feelings. Play is his actions. We are talking about feelings. So fair enough. You have chosen feeling. Nagra is not saying >> his needs. >> His feeling. No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. We're not talking about needs. Don't get distracted. >> Just think. Step one, identify his feeling. Okay?

20:56 >> And number two, see how you would like to acknowledge it. Just do that. So of the others just just get into action. Jump into anything think maybe type in chat maybe come on mic. >> He feels he feels energized. >> Okay. So you're identifying his feeling that he is very energized. >> Yes. >> Energetic or energized. So how would you like to give how would you like to acknowledge it? >> My way of acknowledging is to allowing him to do what he wants to do.

21:30 If he asks for some help. >> No. No. Then you're not acknowledging his feeling. Then you're just allowing >> being with him. >> Yeah. Yeah. As he is. >> Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, you are not with him with him. So in that sense, how are you with him in the sense you are not a partner who is playing with him. You're just there in the park. >> Right? >> So go ahead, do it proactively. Go ahead and acknowledge his feelings. Since in this case it is not your child. Go ahead acknowledge the feeling. say something.

22:00 >> Hey, you want to take their bike? Uh yeah, let's tell him once that we'll go for a round and we'll put it back. Maybe telling something. >> So, which one you are operating from? >> Uh like continuing to nagas like acknowledge. >> No, no, that's not feeling. You want to take bike is not a feeling. Want to take bike is a want. How is that a feeling? I want to do something. That's an action. That's a thought, right? So, that's not a feeling.

22:28 >> Okay. What is this feeling? First identify the feeling. >> Now I need to say what I feel right now. >> No. >> In that situation. >> No, you have to acknowledge his feelings. >> How do I feel? >> I think he's feeling alone amongst all the children. Nobody's ready to talk to him or be friend of him. >> Okay. You think he's feeling lonely. So what how will you acknowledge that feeling? I'll offer him to play with us. No, >> no, no, no, no. Why are you offering him to play? That's nothing to do with feelings. Then you're you're trying to solve something. Then you're going to logically approach the feeling.

23:08 >> By just being with him, just trying to sit with him maybe at a distance. First observe him >> and then >> Yeah. But if you're sitting at a distance, it's anyway not with him. He is not there with you. He is with his whatever he's seeing other children by. Just let that I understand that you you are feeling lonely. uh would you you know what what would you like to do about it or you know >> okay wait with two two things happening so let's stay first so you want to be with the feelings >> yes >> okay what do you want to say come again just remove the I understand do you understand him >> uh no >> do you understand him >> I'm trying to >> yeah but do you understand him >> no >> anybody here who understands him >> no >> can we ask him.

23:57 >> Wait, wait, wait. Do you understand him? >> No, no, no, we don't. >> No, >> no, no. >> That's a good That's a good starting point. >> No, we don't. >> So, don't say I understand. Okay, skip that. I understand. Okay. What What is the feeling you want to acknowledge? >> Acknowledge is energized. >> Okay. So, what will you say? Say something. So, whatever you were saying, can you repeat that? Remove the I understand because you don't understand him. So, why are you saying it? You look lonely. You're feeling lonely.

24:27 >> Okay. You look lonely or you look [clears throat] Sorry, where am I typing? Uh yeah, you look feeling lonely. Okay. >> You are full of energy. >> Okay. Further somebody is saying >> you are full of energy. >> You are >> I like I like your energy or full of So why why do you need to like your his energy and you are coming here and saying I like your energy. See why are we bringing us in the whole picture? Are you important?

25:06 >> No. >> Are you important? Ah thank you. [laughter] >> Okay. So you are saying you look or feel lonely or feeling lonely you are full of energy. Okay. like images of tantrum or tantrum kid like uh he knows that if he throws things or being so like uh over the top. >> Okay. So, so that's the image that is coming to your mind that he's a tantrum kid. Okay. Can we play around with that image? What would you like to rephrase that as?

25:47 It's like I'm not sure if it will come in images or in beliefs that the child has tantrum kid. Are you a tantrum kid? >> Yes. >> Yes. Ah, thank God you said yes. [laughter] Whatever. Okay. So, what are we saying? Hey, sometimes start with sometimes. If you want to break images, you have to start with sometimes. I mean that's okay. Not have to. That's one simple word. I like simple words, you know.

26:22 Simplicity. How can we simplify? So we have simplified. We just say sometimes what? Sometimes >> times uh when I for the child I'm saying sometimes when I >> put yourself first. Sometimes >> Yeah. Sometimes I am a tantrum kid. Say say >> sometimes I'm a tantrum kid. And sometimes he can be a tantrum kid. [laughter] >> Sometimes I am a tantrum kid. And is he is he a tantrum kid all the time?

26:57 >> No. >> Or sometimes. >> And sometimes sometimes he can be a tantrum kid. >> Ah. >> Okay. >> And sometime he behaves bossy. And sometimes I behave bossy [laughter] >> and sometimes >> other kids >> why I'm referring it to I is the moment I I realize it that way you know the moment I realize that I am also this way sometimes and I am also this way sometimes I don't necessarily hold somebody with all the time isn't it otherwise it's so easy to disruptive, aggressive, whatever, whatever, you know.

27:47 >> No, no. Sometimes only [laughter] >> and sometimes he may be behaving bossy. Okay. Okay. Any other window? Come on guys, let's let's fill this up fast. Then [laughter] we can take more situations otherwise 2 hours. The belief I have in this situation is uh you have to treat others toys with care in order to not alienate friends. Hm. So to play around with it now play around with that.

28:18 >> Yeah struggling since pilot. How do I replace it? Because >> type it in chat. Maybe somebody will help you. Type type type use the chat. Use the chat guys. Uh type this is my belief. Okay. People are writing. Sorry. >> Sy feeling excited. >> You have to. >> Okay. Dh dhal is saying maybe he wants to connect with others but doesn't know how to.

28:48 So what's the belief here? That that's your uh assumption. He doesn't know but what's your belief behind connecting others? Maybe this is one way of connecting with others. No. Yeah, that's true. So like uh >> So why are you saying he doesn't know how to >> I'm saying maybe he doesn't know I'm saying maybe but you didn't say first maybe he knows maybe he knows more ways [laughter] than me.

29:26 >> Yeah. Otherwise otherwise we still pointing to a belief that there are I know better ways of how to connect with others. You know there are you know how you know what I mean. >> Yeah. So maybe he's connecting with others in his way. So >> I like that. I will write that. Let's write that down. Maybe he is connecting with others in his way. >> The immediate counterbelief that comes to my mind is if you don't follow the social norms at whatever age you will be left alone. to to [laughter] intervene.

30:02 I'm just taking I'm just I'm just considering that he knows social norm but his social norm and my social norm are different >> different absolutely >> so I I don't I mean so we say that he's a tantrum kid or so we think that so I'm just trying to see that what he in his head is or and what I'm or what I'm labeling in general otherwise or judgment you know having a judgment in our head while we look at it so like >> have been one or two kid moving away from him like naga said all of the kids walk away.

30:34 >> Yeah. Yeah. Whatever it is, whatever it is feels like it's multiple incidences. >> So what do you want? You want to him to be fixed or you want him to understand him? >> Correct. Correct. I'm still coming from fixing him and intervening mindset. I'm >> so that's why I shifted to the want. So let's take Arpan statement. Arpan, what do you want? Do you want to fix him or do you want to understand him or maybe something else? I want to learn from him.

31:01 See one is I want to figure it out himself before it's too late. See at 57 you still have to figure out a whole lot of things. When is late for me? I don't know. >> Yeah, I know. I'm coming from a lot of beliefs and biases. >> Sure, sure. Play around with them. Write them down. Write them down in the chat window. Write down your >> Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. and write with a maybe. Okay, type it and then add a maybe at the beginning and at the maybe not at the end and see what it does to you. Okay, sorry. We were at the >> My belief is >> But one one moment one. So Arpan, what do you finally want? Do you want to understand him, play with him? Uh do you want to learn from him? What do you want? What do you do you want to enjoy him? Let's say from far away sitting at the corner, you can enjoy him. Possible.

31:55 >> Yes, >> if you want to. We'll we'll figure out how. But do you what do you want? We have to write down what do we want? >> I definitely want to understand him. At the same time, go figure out how to navigate this situation. My solution, not my cognitive. >> Leave that. Leave that. Leave that. You don't need to navigate. Go home. Your situation is solved anyway. Not your child right now. [laughter] >> No. What I'm trying to say is yes. Yes.

32:24 Yes. You can have that one. Sorry. I I don't want to make it a joke only. So we can definitely have that want but that's the want we have always been having. Now let's play around with some new wants. Now we can be creative. Correct? Till now if you have been having all this want of fixing the child today we can be little creative. Let's try to to understand them or learn from them or explore with them.

32:47 Would you would you like to explore his world or do you want to just be with your world? So you have a world and everybody else and you want to explore. So here the distinction I'm not able to make is let's say he's sitting in his own house and he spilling his colors or breaking his own stationary that is fine. Here it is coming at the cost of other. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You are still with your world right? I know your world but would you like to know his world?

33:23 Can he teach you Zen? >> But meanwhile, the damage is being I'm worried about it. Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. You that is your world. I'm with your world also. I'm saying yes. Arpan's world is he's worried about the other children worried about damage is worried about damage to him. But can I can I want to understand? Tell me tell me out of all the children in the park. Wait, wait, wait. >> Of all the children in the park.

33:55 >> Yes. Yes. Yes. Of all the children in the park, who needs understanding? >> The protagonist of our story. >> Exactly. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> You you yourself saying he needs understanding then let's give him that. We need another guru teacher teller who says this is wrong this is right another guy that's the case why do we say want I mean want is always somebody's want no so like why we would like >> yeah but we are playing around with our own wants another one we till now we thought there's one natural >> so then I want to throw things along with him like if he's throwing cycle I would like to you know throw things with him and I may say that it it must be feeling you know it >> exactly exactly double Well, [clears throat] when when when this was about a year when I had working with children and there was this child uh and uh I I you know he was he was told to me that he's supposed to be some special child. I had no idea what special children are. I still don't have any idea. Uh so suddenly he started shouting, throwing things, screaming, banging.

35:07 Okay. And everybody was stunned. You know what to do? What to do? You know what do you think I did? >> I started shouting, banging, jumping, running with him. >> Yeah, >> exactly. >> I did exactly that because I didn't know anything else to do. >> Yes. I had my own, you know, I had my own ideas of how life should be or people should be. But he was not me. >> I had to go along with the script to be part of his script. Right.

35:34 So instead of like saying you feel or look lonely, I would maybe like it feels great to throw things like you know >> the danger is you're saying throw things is the action. >> I mean I I get it. >> Are you saying you are happy coming to the park? That's a feeling. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Throwing >> throwing in a sense. I mean it it's >> that can be your dot dot dot inside your mind. You can just go and say you look happy >> or you look excited, you look energetic.

36:05 Yes, I can add that. >> But what is it that you want? And what is it that you want or that is the question do I want to fix him? Do I want to enter or or do I want to enter his world? Do you want to connect with him? Do I want to understand him? Do I want to be with him? >> With him from a distance also I can be with him by being with his thoughts and feelings and actions. not with my my beliefs with his belief system.

36:36 So the ultimate wantness is every parent wants their child to be happy. So the instinct to jump in with our solution the trigger immediately comes in and we think that so I understand there are multiple belief that they don't know how to solve at their age maybe they're not aware of social norms that's what I'm trying to ruminate myself the ultimate want we want the child to be happy why >> right and who will make the child happy what's your belief whose job is to make the child okay one minute please start your statement by saying I on dash to make my child happy.

37:15 >> It's not one person's job person. It's like collective responsibility of parents, teachers, uh relative to >> fill in the blank. I want dash to make my child happy everybody. Whom do you want to make society to make the child happy? >> No, I want go to the spirituality part that >> no there is only one person who can make him happy. One person only can no matter you pile up 100 chocolates in front and he can be very unhappy.

37:47 >> It's like it's like taking the horse to the water. You can't make him drink, right? So take the water, right? That's what I'm saying. >> No, we don't have to >> but it difficult to see him thirsty and then we not even guiding him towards the water. So the waiting >> Yeah. >> Can any one of us make anyone happy? No. No, >> but we try to do it. >> That's our all the time. >> Okay. Okay. Let's come back. Let's come back. So, what do you want to? Somebody can share whatever you want to. I want him to take care of his happiness. But he's already taking care. So, why are you wanting his happiness?

38:28 >> That was who wants that was for the question like >> who wants >> that? I want to understand. Somebody's saying I want to understand him. Okay. Mhm. >> Mhm. Please say please say >> uh so when you said that he's taking care of his happiness. So like is he really getting happiness because he's uh >> in his way he's trying to interact but ultimately the kids are running away. So like he he's maybe not what he wants.

39:03 >> Yeah. Yeah. Maybe he doesn't he isn't getting him. So another want can be I want him to figure out whatever he wants how to get it or you want to get it for him. Yeah. Which one? Which one you want? You want him to get what he wants or you want to get for him what he wants. >> I want him to figure out what he wants and how to get it. and [laughter] but then >> I want him to figure out what he wants and >> how to get it and how to get it or maybe how to get it or get it. Okay, fair enough. Fair enough.

39:50 For this we would like if we want to at all uh work on this we will need to know what he wants to what he wants right >> also in >> what will you so just just m just so what will you go and ask him let's say let's say you go and say to him you look whatever full of energy or you are very energetic you look so happy what what would you say you want to know what does he want so what would you Hey, >> can I play with you?

40:32 >> I would ask him to share whatever he's eating. Connect with him first. >> Share what he's eating. Why should he share with you what he's eating? [laughter] >> Just ask eating suddenly came. >> I mean, if he's taken somebody's food. >> No, wait, wait, wait, wait. I want to know what he wants. >> So what will you what will you do? >> Maybe question like do you like to play alone or do you want to play with your friends?

40:59 >> That kind of gives me a headway into what exactly why is he doing what he's doing? >> Sort of like a probing question. >> Yeah. Why probing question? Are you from some investigative agency? Would you like that kind of a probing question from a stranger? >> No. Basically, it's like when we ask, do you want a cake or a pastry? It's like similarly, do you want to play alone or do you want to play with your friends?

41:30 Now, it's just it's not exactly why are you doing this? What? >> No, but why is this do you? He will anyway go ahead and won't do what he wants to do. >> We trying to figure out uh his bond, right? So, you want to play alone or >> Yeah, but then you're only giving him two choices. You may be having something else. Totally. >> I'm restitting. >> It's a beautiful day. What brings you here today?

41:51 >> Ah, interesting. I think that's much better. It's a beautiful day. What brings you to today? What all is in your mind? What all would you like to do? That's a much more open-ended leaving him to if he wants to share or he may not even share. He may just run away or but he knows that you are you are interested in him. You've not come here to suddenly fix anything. You are interested in him.

42:21 So I would put that here. Um it's a beautiful day. What would you What did you say? Uh Dul say that again please. >> What brings you here today? >> Yeah. Okay. What brings you here or what is exciting? What brings you here? Yeah. What is exciting for you now? Yeah. These kind of questions. these kind of questions is is getting him to share or at least connect with himself. It's not even he doesn't even need to connect with us but it he's connecting with himself.

42:59 How about this question? Do you like to throw things? Does it give you happiness? Because what brings you here seems to be a very broad and a question. Obviously I came here to play. What's wrong with you? >> Yes. Yes. Yeah. He he might say that's that's a perfectly safe answer question. When you say do you want to throw things? He he must have been already told by 623 people not to throw things including all the children.

43:23 >> I'm not saying not to throw. I'm just asking do you like to throw things? Does it give you >> Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. But where is it pointing? >> Can can you know the definition of pressure? >> Yeah. Yeah. >> What's the definition of pressure? Just one moment. Sorry. What's the definition of pressure? So my questions are leading to a >> wait what is the formula for pressure? Sorry [laughter] physics formula >> force divided by >> newton force divided by >> uh area >> area right and if you if you narrow down the area >> if you narrow down the area the same force can really really pierce that's how nails work. nails work because the edge is so pointy that all the forces >> the whole hammer energy go there. Yeah.

44:15 >> Right. So when you say throwing things that's your where all your hammer energy is going. >> It's already >> I do realize that I'm still coming from proing on the content not on the container. >> So [laughter] but I'm still like that's fine. >> My colleagues will correct me and of course it'll guide me. Yeah [laughter] >> that's fine. But I'm just real I'm helping you to realize that pressure is equal to force divided by area. Now the moment we we zero in on that specific in fact if this is a question told to me you know do you like living your life disorganized? Yo now already this is such a pointy naily question you know it's it's nailing me to the wall.

45:00 >> I don't even want this question. Got it. But every time it it happened few few weeks back a father came and he asked me a question very pointed at I want your opinion on this >> and I was like then I started trying to dodge him and it took me half an hour to dodge him and finally he said why aren't you answering my question I said it's too painful to answer your question [laughter] right because he was like after me. So what I'm trying to say is that depending on what do we want if you want to nail somebody yes please make it as pointy as possible if you want to invite if you want the somebody to open up if you want to somebody to connect to disperse then we have to be open inviting where will you like to go somewhere where you are invited or somewhere where you are interrogated did [laughter] come over. We'll have some fun, you know, or we'll do what you like to do.

46:03 What would you like to do? Come over to my house. Now, that's a much better invitation. >> Can we Can we also offer him different interesting games? >> Where are you coming from? Which one? >> Yeah. Uh like hide and seek and >> No, no. Which one? Beliefs, wants, empower, feelings, images. Which one are you? Why are you bringing these games? He's already there. He's already playing. >> Yeah. >> Again, we are coming in var solutions.

46:32 >> Yeah. >> Just to know his want. What kind >> No, there is some want inside you. First tell me what is your want to come up with that. >> Yeah, we are also trying to ease him up. That is our own. >> He's eased up in his way in his way of looking things. Or maybe maybe not. I'm not saying he's not stressed. He maybe he's stressed. Maybe he's eased up.

47:08 >> Yeah. So I I'm I'm now reading the chat. Can I play with you? Yes. Ask him what he wants. Yes. Ask him what are you exploring? Yeah. These are the kind of I'm sure more interesting questions. Can I be with you? Yeah. Play with you or do things with you maybe. Unless he thinks that okay where is this big big adult coming into my time to play. Yeah. See the interesting things is even from 50 ft away I could be operating from belief which is already branding him in all kinds of ways. uh I could be wanting things which I want which he doesn't want and I could be not thinking about his feeling and coming up with all kinds of images.

47:56 Okay, let's switch channel. How about some hom some Homs that he is exhibiting? Let's let's consider some hom >> courage for sure. Okay. Courage and you need not be even sure. You can be say maybe that's also fine. In fact, maybe is better word. When you say for sure, maybe maybe you are for sure is for sure or for sure is not sure. [laughter] Courage. Okay. What else? What else is he exhibiting?

48:36 >> Has been at home the whole day. So I want to come and enjoy. >> Yeah. So what is his habit of mind in operation right now? [snorts] >> Dominance right now. No, he hasn't done anything till now. >> I I want to enjoy. >> Yeah. So what is the habit of mind? >> Playfulness. >> Okay. Playful. Mhm.

49:13 teasing others. No. >> So what's the habit of mine? Easing not yet started. We we still not reached there. We have just he's just come to the park is what um Nagarat said and the children are scarring away to safety. You know that's our situation. >> Okay. >> Uh he hasn't done anything. >> Okay. >> Okay. Courage playful. What habits of mind is he exhibiting? Independence. >> Independence. >> Seeking attention.

49:44 >> No, he's not seeking any attention. Where is he seeking attention? >> He hasn't done anything. >> Sorry. >> Um I just said exploring. >> Right. Right. Exploration. Yeah. >> Exercising autonomy. exploring. Yeah. Is that independence or similar autonomy? Independence. Okay.

50:14 Hyper stimulated. What makes you think Nati that he that's an image I would >> maybe consistency. He does this over and over again. [laughter] >> I like that consistency. Okay. >> Consistency. Maybe relentlessness also. Just keeps on throwing. Mhm. Yes. Relentless. Yeah.

50:48 Sharing. Mhm. Okay. Mingling, >> connecting with others. Mhm. Yeah, at least he's trying to connect. Whether the connection is working or not is a different thing. Okay, just pause. What if I go to this child and say, "Hey, hi, I don't know you. You don't know me, but I've observed you and you seem to be very courageous, playful, independent, sharing, exploring, and and I would love to learn these things with you or from you.

51:35 How's that for a start? Are you with him? >> I know you had to guess these. Fair enough. But >> are you with him? >> Yes. >> Yes. Yes. >> Yes. >> I get his attention. >> And you're full full of energy today and you you look exciting about today. So what all are you excited about? See, I I have I may not change the game this way, but the whole idea is not to change the game. The whole idea was to connect with him, start getting into his world, understand him, be with him.

52:20 >> Yeah, he can open up this way, I think. >> There you go. Maybe he hasn't found any Maybe I I don't know. No, he hasn't found anybody to open up with, >> right? >> So, he has come up with his own strategies. Remember, strategies come way down. We want him to first understand that this is not right and then adopt the strategies that we want him to adopt. But he's already with his strategies. We don't know whether it's working or not. Maybe that's his understanding of the world. that word listens to him when he throws their things or when he washes them around because that's maybe I don't know maybe I go to him trying to understand with some open doors >> hey I want to be a devil's advocate here sir >> devil's advocate for what wait no no no I'm not saying anything I'm still Wait wait wait wait there is no devil advocacy Here it's purely wait.

53:27 We are we are saying if I if there's a big if there huge if I want to understand somebody how do I understand that somebody? Yeah with you on this one. >> Yeah. So so there is no devil advocacy. I'm trying to understand whatever way you say is also trying to understand. Unless you say you have a different objective, >> right? That's what I'm saying. There is no devil's advocacy. Whichever way all of us have said few things, if you don't want to understand him that way and want to understand in another way, that's absolutely fat. Unless you say no RN, I don't want to understand him. I want to fix him. That's a totally different that's a totally different want. then we are on then we don't need to bother about feeling empowering images we don't need all of this I'm saying definitely want to understand the child but I feel the luxury of time is not there in a public event like this it's there in a >> how much time will it take you to say this three four statements that I said it will take you maybe 15 seconds that's a in 15 seconds he knows that this uncle with the whatever orange korta if I'm the one I'm just saying putting myself there >> is trying to be he is probably on my side >> yeah be with me that's all I don't need to do more >> and if he feels let's say nobody is with him whom will he gravitate to in the park even if I'm 50 ft away so By 15 seconds I went and said something like this to him assuming the feeling thought the the power thought and the habit of mind thought and um hey you look energetic even I'm sometimes energetic whatever whatever we said 15 20 seconds and then I move back and I give them him the space he knows that there is at least one person at least one there could be many many more at least one person who isn't trying to change him, fix him, getting to do things which he has been hearing till now.

55:51 >> Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Maybe that opens up a space with even that brief moment moment. >> Absolutely. >> I just coming from the belief that private home you can give all the time to a child to throw the toys, break things because that's at your own cost. But when you're >> No, no, no, no, no, no. You can do it in one. Coming from that's my belief. Yeah. >> One look can make a difference. But coming to it right now is taking a lot of time. I mean for now >> we are because because we are with us.

56:19 So we need to work on that. We need to work. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. That's why you are here. >> So you're part of Jagrati, right? We we we are trying to see other windows. See if the other windows that you already have help you to understand the other person or help you reach whatever is your objective uh with your child or with any child. Please go ahead use those im windows. I'm not at all against any of the or any of the beliefs or any of the ways in which we work. Not at all. I'm just opening more windows and I'm showing how we can use these windows. In fact, if you allow me, we are at 901. Okay. So, we will take a break now. But I I want to just first go back to feelings. I think we are running all over the place.

57:06 But the most most perhaps the most important work is still the feelings because in my in my understanding that's the first connection and then we can think in terms of empowering and obviously empowering and feelings will only happen if images are belief are already questioned because if I'm already coming with a belief for example that he's a what tantrum Then do you think I'll anything else will make connection? No. No. Then I'm already coming with that image.

57:47 But the moment I I I don't have that image. I don't or rather I have that image but I know it's a sometimes image as well as it's in me. It's like the other day a girl came to me and said, "Uncle, you're very intimidating." I said, "Yes, dear. sometimes just like you are sometimes intimidating because I know I'm intimidating. All of you will vouch for it [laughter] and I know everybody is intimidating sometimes.

58:21 Why not? Nothing wrong or right about intimidation. As much as this boy seemed to be intimidating, not like the other children aren't intimidating or I am not intimidating the one in the so if the image is gone now I can look at other things the feelings or or what the child is thinking what the child is excited about what are his ideas what are his thoughts what are his dreams what are his aspiration from the next half an hour in the park then can I can be with him.

59:00 If he says I would like to you know throw his bike away. I said okay first one is okay wait I want to take out my phone I will write down first one you want to throw his bike today what else would you like to do today uncle I would like to eat from his different okay I would like to eat from his different that's your second thing what else do you want to do today now what am I doing what am I doing >> acknowledging his feelings >> and connecting I'm [clears throat] I'm valuing his thinking. He's thinking these are his ideas, not my ideas.

59:40 Neither I'm saying they are bad nor I'm saying they are good nor I'm saying let's do it. I'm not agreeing. I'm only collecting his thinking his thoughts. I'm with his thoughts and then he can go on and on and we can write on and on until he till he writes this whole list of what he's thinking. And at some point he will say enough uncle now let me do also something. [laughter] But he knows that this person listen to my 15 wants which nobody else will agree to. Right.

60:23 Okay. uh let's take a small break but I want you to leave with a little story. So this was this is a real story which happened to us when we shifted into uh the campus. We had actually not yet shifted into the campus. We were making our Arohi campus in a village. It's actually a little away from village in wilderness and the nearest village we had taken up a small room and we were staying there some about 78 kids and two three adults and we were overseeing the construction of the campus. Okay. So we got a call suddenly around you know 3:00 or something in the afternoon that there are like three tractors and some 50 people on your land and they are saying we will raise all the you know construction that has happened we'll destroy it because this is our land this is you you have you know so many farmers with three four tractors have come ready to bulldo your building and all that. So luckily me and my uh one friend was visiting and he is uh he's a good friend he was involved in this kind of this project little bit and he knew Tamil and Telu and as far as I'm concerned I neither knew Tamil nor Telun nor Canada.

61:28 These are the three languages spoken here. Okay. So I I had no language to communicate. Anyway, we both rushed in his car to the spot and there are this big group and they started da da da this is wrong. This is this and we are going to you know blast this. Obviously all of this in in Telo they'll go and Tamil that's the and my you know friend is trying to argue with him. They are arguing they're saying we have papers we do this we do that this thing and the it's a huge group of 30 40 50 people I I don't even remember the count. I have obviously never counted it and everybody's getting worked up worked up and there's this one big guy huge of a giant of a guy you know in terms of size who is their leader so who is doing all the major talking and obviously there are people supporting him and real big fellow okay and they're like just going going on and on on you know heated argument 20 minutes 30 minutes 40 minutes and it's kind of getting onto a breaking point you know now that they were there like they are going to do something here super tense like everybody including me what do I do I can't understand a single word they're talking about my friend has no time to translate it for me but we can pretty much make out what is happening so what do I do I had no other clue so I went and went to this big the their leader that big guy and gave him a big beer hug out of nowhere and he my I'm an urbanite these are all villagers dress right. I'm like wearing proper urban clothes, jeans, a big hug and everybody's shocked and within 3 4 5 minutes everybody's gone from the land. Not a word is spoken.

63:19 The story is over. It's been 13 years. Nobody else has ever turned back again. Have a break. Think about this. Since you brought this story, the story came to [laughter] my mind, right? >> Is it true story? >> Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. It's an absolute true story. [laughter] >> Sounds like a Sorry. >> Yes. Okay. Okay. Let's have a little break.

63:51 It's 98. Let's come back. This time we'll take a little more focus on feelings. I want to focus on feelings like we'll come back. So munch on this for the next 5 minutes. 98 9:13 we can be back. 913 9:14 Okay. Is everybody back?

70:32 Maybe people need more time today.

73:48 Hi, sorry I think I just got logged out suddenly. Okay. Okay. So, we are back. Um what I was thinking was that if we can at least spend u you know 10 10 minutes uh reviewing uh some of the things and um you know kind of uh how we are how we can kind of apply them. Now where we have the want at least we should be or we could be then able to apply it. That is my whole idea.

74:36 Yeah. So uh this is if you remember this is the list of of feelings. Wait let me let me start at a random place. uh list of situations uh from the feeling session. So I thought we can start with this and go through some of them and see hey how would we want to respond? Yeah just do a little practice of feelings first if if you are okay with that. Is that okay everybody? Shall we do just a little quick practice of I know when we do it as a as an exercise it is obviously simpler but then it's a good idea to spend time little practicing. so that we can play the match better, right? Does it make sense?

75:23 That's why players practice so much so that they can play the match better. So, let's practice a little bit. Okay, let's start with this uh number nine. Um, okay. The situation is hitting someone specific as in hitting hitting somebody. So, what can how can we connect to the child's feeling? What can we say or do? Well, let's stay with seeing. Let's keep it very simple. What can we say?

75:53 So the >> look very angry. >> Yeah. The assumption is we want to connect with the feeling. We want to give importance to the feeling. Right? If obviously there is any other want that won't fit in here. Okay. So you look angry. Okay. >> You look unhappy. >> Unhappy. >> Frustrated. >> Okay. Let's move to the next one. Throwing toys in anger. You look angry. >> Okay.

76:24 >> You look upset with something. >> Upset with something. Okay. Let's move. Keep moving. Everybody keep keep thinking. If you're not saying it out on the audio, it will be nice if you can say out or if you're not typing it in chat, at least say it in your mind. See if you have a doubt, pause us. Say hey this I'm not getting this or I'm not with this. Okay so yeah Shri is saying unheard for which one shushi sorry uh for throwing toys in anger.

76:58 >> Yeah yeah yeah >> okay yeah unheard. Okay unheard. Let me >> also rat I had a question. Are we say you are looking or are we asking? >> Yeah, actually you can decide what works for between you and that child. But personally I feel uh asking is always a complicated thing. When you ask me something I now the burden is on me to reply to you. I'm already in a emotional state. On top of that I have to answer you also. But when you just say something there is no no need for me to do anything with that you know you're just saying something.

77:42 So it's much especially in an emotional situation it's much easier to just stay with uh with first especially in in the first connection. Once the child is connected with the feeling and we have connected with the child with the feeling then if you want to get into some questions it's fine. But again it's it's really up to you. Uh >> I have a follow-up question. Can we take that now? >> Uh for which one? >> Uh about this thing only. So for example, if the kid is really young and just developing the uh understanding at >> how young is young?

78:24 >> Young is one year >> for me in my case. >> Okay. So maybe within he feels something which I don't know but if I uh just say something uh whatever word whatever name of the feeling >> but actually from within he might be feeling something else. Wouldn't it be like me giving him a vocabulary which is or is not matching with the actual feeling >> but which could be with any age you know even to me you could be saying that yes you're feeling this but I'm not feeling that so how does it matter what what is your what is your concern what what is this vocabulary anyway he is he's hearing some 100,000 words in a day right from all direction even when you are talking to your husband or talking to a friend on phone he's hearing the words even the words from TV so how does it matter you are see okay let let's take a step back let's say let's say the child is let's say upset and let's say crying one year old and you say hey you look upset now upset itself is a word he doesn't know this word word right >> right and let us say he doesn't even understand what you are saying but what is it doing to you first when you are saying to the child you look upset what are you doing where are you >> I'm also upset with his uh reactions actions >> no no no when you say you said huh when you are acknowledging what is that doing to you >> it I'm also getting upset I'm not judging or I'm not I'm trying to understand him. H sorry why would you feel upset when you are saying you look upset I didn't >> pardon me >> I'm saying sorry excuse yeah I'm saying you're saying you will get upset why will you get upset when you are connecting with the child's feeling you are saying to the child you look upset why would you get upset you're just saying it >> negative word.

80:52 >> Okay. Uh what is the negative word? >> Upset. >> Upset is a negative word. >> And his uh the kids reaction. >> Fair enough. Fair enough. Even if you believe it is negative. Now you already know he's upset. So that is making you upset. Now you are telling the child you look upset. Yeah. >> By for what purpose are you saying this? >> Why are you saying this to the child?

81:26 >> He should come up with a positive thing. Now I'm expecting him to stop uh the tantrums. >> Then you are trying to change his state of affairs. Are we acknowledging feeling to change his feeling or are we acknowledging his or her feeling to give importance to somebody to him or her to his or her feeling? The idea was remember this exercise child's feeling is very important my feeling is very important. Do you want to give importance to the child's feeling?

82:04 >> Yes. Yes. Yes. So the whole idea of acknowledging is to give importance to that whatever you are feeling is important. >> Important. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. >> So if he is feeling upset then you are saying this is important to me. >> Yes. Why? Why is he upset? >> No. No. Not why is he upset? Why is he upset is inside the house which is dark. Right. The the upsetness is there.

82:38 >> Yes. >> Why is it important why somebody is upset or is it important that somebody is upset? >> Oh, somebody is upset. That is important. >> Then we have to remove the why. >> Sure. >> We have to work on what do we want. Do we want to be giving importance to his feeling or are this logical thinking? Why is he upset? How long will he be upset? He's too young to be upset. He will learn this vocabulary. All these are our logical thoughts.

83:12 Our logical thought. That means you are with yourself. Do you want to be with yourself or do we want to be with your child? >> No. No. With my child. >> Then then you'll have to say these are all my thoughts and keep them aside and say these are good. These are my thoughts. These are useful thoughts. These are important thoughts. But let me keep it in my pocket. This is my money. Let me value the child.

83:36 >> Yeah. Right. >> True. >> You know, [laughter] [snorts] okay, you can even go one step back and say, do I want to learn something from the child about the child? No, you don't have to learn something from the child. You don't need to learn thermodynamics from the child, right? [laughter] You need to learn about the child from the child. So if you say that ah here is a moment to learn about my child.

84:13 >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Do do you people buy whatever child development books or Google or whatever? Okay. The the the most important book is already in front of you. It's an alive book. That book is talking about himself >> or herself. We better read this book. We don't need to read any other book, any other website, anybody else, including Ratn or Aditi or anybody from Aru. No, no, you don't need any of us. You need to listen to your child to know him, to understand him or her. So when you say I want to understand him and for that let me see what is he feeling right now then that that brings you from a totally different well altogether then the words don't matter >> no at one he may not understand any of the words any which way if somebody is upset even at 50 may not understand your words >> right >> I think we'll connect at energy level if I come from where I should come.

85:28 >> Yes, absolutely. Intent level or energy level or whatever you want to call it, want level, it's the same things. All of these are same things. Our energy goes towards wherever whatever we want. Right. >> Right. Right. Right. >> Okay. Let's continue. Persistence for TV. >> You are bored. >> Bored. Okay. >> Determined. You seem to be really enjoying it. >> Okay. You are bored or you are enjoying.

86:01 >> Mhm. >> Determined. >> Yeah. Determined. Little bit long. >> Longing. >> Sorry. >> Longing. >> Longing. Yeah. Okay. Nice. Let's go. Not listening. Child is not listening to you. >> You are very courageous. >> Okay. I was about to say, "How dare you not listen to me?" Okay. You're not listening. So what what what is the child feeling? Wait, wait, wait. What is the child feeling? >> Bored. >> No, the child is not listening to whatever you are saying.

86:32 >> Frustrated. >> Okay. Maybe frustrated. >> Ignoring. >> Sorry. >> Ignoring. >> Ignoring. No. No. That's what the child is doing. That's the action. But what is the child feeling when the child is not >> interested somewhere else? >> Okay. So you are interested in XY Z. Okay. >> Not understood. You really want to do what you're doing. >> You're not understood. Okay.

87:05 >> You're focusing. Not listening. Child listen to what is he feeling? He's feeling frustrated. >> So a few more replies were there. I couldn't catch uh them, but I don't mind listening to them again. Irritated. >> You really want to do what you're doing? >> Mhm. >> Your focus. >> In which case, wait. If he really wants to do what he's doing, what is his feeling?

87:37 >> Focus and interest. >> Okay. Focus. >> You're focused somewhere else. >> Okay. Focused. tired. Yeah, maybe tired also. Yes, why not? Depending on the situation. Yes. Yes. Okay. Um Okay. The child breaks uh whatever the child had promised now. What is the child feeling? >> Trust issues. >> That is what you are thinking.

88:09 [laughter] >> We are talking about what the child is feeling. According to you, the child has broken a promise. Let's say the child said he will finish his homework when you by the time you come back. But the child has not even touched the homework. Let's say >> well he forgot he got busy in something else. >> Yeah. Yeah. What is the child feeling? >> I got to >> Sorry. Bored. Bored. Okay. What will you say? feeling smart also times that yeah I said but I escaped it like that >> maybe doesn't want to do >> yes what is the child feeling feeling want to do it >> lazy feeling feeling feeling okay maybe the child is disinterested >> so what will you say disinterested yes that's a much better >> disinterested yes >> bored bored >> bored >> so I'm assuming you're saying you look bored or you were disinterested or you were bored Uh yeah. What else? Some few more words >> and not interesting >> just enjoying himself.

89:16 >> Yeah. And did something else >> forced to do it. Yeah. >> Yeah. Maybe you were feeling anxious. Why not? I I felt anxious about doing homework. So I felt I thought I will procrastinate. Simple. >> Do you procrastinate something which is anxious which gives you an anxiety? >> Yeah. >> So that's a simple thing. >> When I don't know something also I procrastinate. So that gives me anxiety now. If I don't know something that gives me anxiety, how will I do it?

89:41 Postpone. >> Postpone. Yes. >> Hesitant. >> Hesitant. Yes. >> Doubtful. >> So superb. Superb. Superb. So now we are with the feelings. How are you feeling by being with the feelings? >> Confused. Confused. >> Are you confused? [laughter] >> No. No. Kid when the kid breaks province. >> Yeah. Yeah. Pause. Pause. Pause. I'm sure we have done some. I'm asking how are you feeling now that you are >> focusing and [laughter] grossed interested in the child's feeling.

90:18 >> Happy. >> Okay. You're feeling happy. Interesting. Okay. >> Getting a better understanding. hopefully >> feeling a possibility of connection opening up with the child or understanding now that I'm looking through multiple windows. >> Sure. >> And and see realize that some people say, "Oh, but in that situation, you know, acknowledging feeling didn't work."

90:49 >> I said, "Hello, >> what was it supposed to work on in the first place? It wasn't supposed to work. It wasn't supposed to produce a result. It wasn't a coin that you put in a slot machine and it will give you, you know, that thingy. Whatever [laughter] you put the slot machine for, it is definitely not a coin. >> No, no, forget quick fix late fix. You aren't trying to fix somebody. You're trying to value feelings, >> right? It's a completely different dimension. We aren't talking about a coin being put in a slot machine. We are just being with somebody. And if I if you are feeling let's say um whatever let's say curious or let's say you're feeling hesitant or you're feeling nervous then I'm just being with your being which is feeling that that's it. We we're not trying to create anything. It isn't a it isn't a [laughter] coin to be put in a slot machine. Sorry, I'm stuck with that analogy, you know.

91:55 >> No, I connect with that because sometimes this becomes a way to control the child also that oh now I know how feeling. >> Yeah, I understand you. >> In fact, I have to keep biting my lips saying I don't understand. I'm just being with the child. Let him understand. Please tell me who should understand the child, you or the child? I know you know the answer. [laughter] You know what do we want? Do we want us to understand the child which is even I would say practically impossible or the child to understand himself? When we acknowledge the feeling the child is given the space to understand his feeling or her feelings.

92:36 Ah okay. Yes I am feeling this >> butterfly. But to try >> which is why I'm I'm I'm like focusing on feeling because this is such a simple thing to do >> and so very wy wy thing you know with the other person. I'm not trying to say it's very powerful or anything. No, no, no. I don't know what power it creates because it isn't trying to create any power.

93:09 >> It's just being with somebody. And if if you are able to be with somebody's feeling, >> let me tell you one thing. It will be much easier to also be with his thinking. >> And then it's much easier to empower. If you are with his feeling or her feeling, it would be easier for you to be with their thinking when they come up with all kinds of things. I'm going to hit him. Okay. You can be oh so you want to hit him and if you don't want him to hit him you can ask him maybe what else are you thinking so let's stay with his thinking you don't want him to get into action correct [laughter] okay so be with his thinking ask him what else are you thinking what else are you wanting so now we have think we are with the feeling and then we are going with the thinking and then in between coming back to feeling Being with the thinking, feeling, thinking, feeling, thinking, you pretty much that's what life is all about. No, mean little bit of action.

94:20 But action comes somewhere from feeling, thinking, isn't it? Somewhere. So if I'm feeling this way, I will act in this way. And now that I know I'm feeling this way, I may start feeling about my feeling this way differently and I will start feeling differently and hence I will start acting differently. possible.

95:12 Okay, since you all are thinking I can move ahead. Let me let me move to a little bit of habits of mind. Right. So if you have got a very broad understanding. So okay. So these are certain things that we use uh you know sometimes we use honesty sometimes we use dishonesty sometimes we use persistence sometimes we use giving up sometimes we use sensitivity sometimes we use insensitivity right so these are just things that we are using services if any computer engineers are there all these operating system have these different services and you start a service and you stop a service. So all these services are available in your operating system. You know that's what your Windows or Apple operating system or Android operating system does. You know it gives you many services which you can start and stop whenever you want.

96:12 Right. Um [clears throat] okay which one you want to pick up? Let's let's try to see some habits of mind in in these situations. I' I've taken from the feeling chart only I've taken some situation. Now those are normally the unacceptable situations. Uh you need not only see habits of mind in unacceptable situations. You can see them in any situation whatsoever. Or maybe let's do something little little different. What's the time? 9:41.

96:47 Right. Okay. Let me do something different. Let's do let's do something a little more fun. Huh? This is little too boring. Uh, okay. Uh, so let me here a thought. Meanwhile, I pull up a little video. Just give me time to pull up a a video. Um, till that whatever is somebody's thought.

97:18 I think for me this is uh quite a revelation because I'm always looking at what next how is this going to lead to the solution or fix the situation. So to so to pull back and just think that we're doing it just for the connection and it doesn't have to lead to an outcome is a big takeaway. >> Okay. when I am thinking on same grounds as we are connect observing what the child is feeling but still he wants to watch TV what's what's [laughter and gasps] still he did not finish the homework >> so what's next >> yeah yeah yeah I'm I'm I'm with you I'm with you we do we do still have the concerns about the results the outcomes and all of that but I I I if you know this is mullanas routine story. So, you know, he I I don't know if I I I keep forgetting which one I've shared, which one I've shared. Anyway, he he he gives his friend this sorry, his son his uh a very precious glass piece, you know, very decorative thing made out of glass and then he slaps his son and then he says, "Take it carefully and give it to that uncle." So, his friend is saying, you know, why did you slap him? So he says what's the point of slapping him once he has dropped it.

98:49 Right. [laughter] So often we are like that only we want to fix life problems all all everything we fix right now you know. >> Exactly. Exactly. [laughter] Exactly. So we are like this moola you know slap anyways that is moola for you. Okay. Um [laughter] so we have to think through this. Yes.

99:19 Yes. So yes yes I mean I'm with you. Uh we will come to that also maybe by you know by 12th or 13th session um of jagrati. Don't tell me there are only 11 sessions, right? [laughter] But uh the thing is uh what we start realizing what you will start realizing that this is more fun. This is more enjoyable and this way actually more gets done and actually more beneficial for both you and the child when you start with an understanding approach. At least that's been my journey. So whenever I keep mean I also within a day keeps going to all the other ways also and sometimes these ways or sometimes only don't worry. Um and I realized oh whenever I was like this whenever I jumped out of my feelings and didn't care for the other person's feeling it didn't work.

100:18 It didn't work also. And when I at least connected with the feeling then also it didn't work. So both cases it didn't work. So the homework didn't happen both ways but at least connection happened in one way if that is making any sense. Okay, more in behavior session. We we have five more sessions. Don't worry, we'll hopefully do something. Okay, I don't I'm not promising. Don't take me that you will solve all our problems.

100:51 But meanwhile, let's see what this seems. So, I wanted to share I thought we will do a little. So, we'll I'll play a small video. Please try to catch as many habits of mind. If you want, scribble them so that uh you can have the or you just keep typing in chat window. That's even better. So, we don't have to really type it again. Uh or if you just want to do it for yourself, that's also absolutely fine. Um just a small story. I don't know. I'm sure many of you would have heard it. It's called the duck song. Uh it's one of our favorite uh uh you know thing and we really like this. So if you haven't heard this uh I hope you enjoy the the story also. It's a it's a small about 3 minutes video but this 3minut exercise tried to collect as many habits of mine. Yeah. Let's go.

101:41 >> Tell me the duck story. >> Can you hear the audio? A duck walked up to a lemonade [music] stand and he said to the man, "Hey, [music] got any grapes?" The man said, "No, we just sell lemonade, but it's cold and [music] it's fresh and it's all homemade. Can I get you a glass?" The duck said, "I'll pass." Then he waddled [music] away. Waddle waddle. Till the very next day, [singing] bum. When the duck walked up to the [music] lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand, "Hey, b got any grapes?"

102:21 The man said, "No, like I said yesterday, we just sell lemonade. [music] Okay, why not give it a try?" The duck said, "Goodbye." Then he waddled away. Waddle waddle. Then he waddled away. [music] Waddle waddle. Then he waddled away. Waddle waddle till the very next day. [music and singing] When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand and he said, "Got [music] any grapes."

103:02 The man said, "Look, [music] this is getting old. I mean, lemonade's all we've ever sold. Why not give it a go?" The duck said, [music] "How about [music] >> y hope you're keeping record of all the all the habits of mine that you are watching [music and singing] till the very next day when the [music] duck walked up to the lemonade standing And he said to the man [music] running the stand, "Hey, B, got any grapes?"

103:46 The man said, "That's it. If you don't stay away, [music] duck, I'll glue you to a tree and leave you there all day, stuck, so don't get too close." The duck said, "Adios." Then he [music] waddled away. Waddle waddle. Then he waddled away. Waddle waddle waddle. Then he waddled away. Waddle waddle. Till the very next day, [music] bump. When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand and he [music] said to the man running the stand, "Hey, b got any glue?" "What? Got any glue?" "No." Why would I? Oh, then one more question [music] for you.

104:24 Got any grapes? And the man just stopped and he started to smile. He started to laugh. [music] He laughed for a while. He said, "Come on, duck. Let's walk to the store. I'll buy you some grapes [music] so you won't have to ask anymore. So they walked to the store and the man bought some grapes. He gave one to the duck and the duck said, "No thanks, but you know [music] what sounds good? It would make my day.

104:55 Do you think [music] this store Do you think this store Do you think this [music] store has any lemonade?" Then he waddled away. Waddled away. Waddled away.

105:26 Um, I hope you have your list of habits of mine. Um, but I don't want to hear the list. I'm more wanting to know. Yeah. What are you thinking? What are you thinking about? Habits of mind or Yeah. The dark is determined.

106:00 Yeah. No, no, no, no. Not about the video. Yeah. Not about the video, not about the duck that you enjoyed. You had three minutes of joy there. Now, step back away from the video by itself and just think about what are we thinking about in general about habits of mind. I'm sure you would have thought something till now unless you said ah I didn't get this session so let's just throw it away into the bin. That's also fine.

106:27 hopeful strong belief. >> Sorry, >> a hopeful strong believer. >> Can you elaborate? I didn't get your thoughts. Sorry. >> Uh that uh Tuck is very very hopeful that one day he'll get that. >> Oh, you're still with the story. No, no, no, no. Come back out of the story. The story was just to stimulate lot of habits of mind and I'm sure you saw some now that you saw some habits of mind with respect to this story you saw some habits of mind but in general what are you thinking about habits of mind and not not necessarily a question just a thought or even just a feeling or you know whatever >> are our qualities or our habits that make us uh enjoy things and uh maybe successful like we achieve what we want.

107:29 >> Okay. [clears throat] >> We easily don't change anything we want. We don't move easily. >> Okay. >> Quite an extent. What's coming to my mind is having habits of mind is irrelevant. >> Elaborate. >> Uh so let's say if we pick up any word like of you know from the habits of mind whether we say patience, courageous, great whatever whatever whatever we think that that's what you wish to have.

108:14 uh without looking at look without looking at looking at it from from different sides. Uh so uh usually we want it to have the positive effects of it most of the time we don't see the other side and we I mean and and many times even when you reach there not necessarily that's something which you want so most of the time we we want something when we don't know what we want. I think that's where I'm coming from. So like I may say that I want my kid to be this I or I myself want to be do this or do that or have that. You say that when you actually are not clear.

108:53 When you're clear, you don't say that. >> Okay. But you also at the same time realize that we have all of these. >> We have we have it's >> it's a question of using them. >> Sorry. It's a question of using them in whichever different ways we use. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Also the other thing which I'm I mean it's it's just when when I'm looking at that with the because we call it habits of mind. I mean what I'm observing in myself is that that tag itself is something I don't know it's something which it's coming in between like something which is uh I don't know I'm I'm thinking if I call something else will it be more relating will it be I it's still I'm just speaking loud what is there but yeah I mean the moment I say habits of mind it it it kind of I don't know it it's getting alien I would say or maybe distancing or something like that.

110:09 >> Okay. So would you would you like me to share why we like to call it habits of mine? >> Sure. I mean yeah I would like to know your uh uh perspective at least like or >> see they they all there. all there and we are all are using them um here and there right yeah >> I'm using persistence somewhere I'm using um let's say helping somewhere caring somewhere now the things is why we like to call it as habit of mind is when we when we little go so these these we are using without necessarily at that moment choosing it but you know it's kind of let's call it spontaneously or whatever we are just using it uh as as a matter of fact but when we start uh understanding any habit of mine I'm not yet into it becoming a habit of mine first I'm understanding it okay what is it what role it plays in my life with that with dhal it didn't work with arpan it worked you know with vibui it led to this and with with priyanka it led to that so when I start kind of putting these things together when I start building my understanding about it and and bas Based on that understanding, I start building my strategies. Then this the so-called the it it leads to a certain kind of a uh what what in west they call it you know uh either generative mindset or a or a mindset which which helps me or supports me in more consciously choosing them when especially when I need them.

111:52 Right? Otherwise I may miss it when I need it kind of a thing. All right. So that is why we we call them habits of mind because although we did not uh put these terms I can give you the name of authors who gave these terms to these and in fact they gave it to a very short smaller set of uh words habit of mind. We gave it to a much larger one. But the point is that which is why I'm I'm all the time stressing that hey let's explore that with children. Let's not say I know let's say on what is honesty or what is perseverance or what is this because as we explore and develop our understanding and the child develops his or her own understanding then the child can more meaningfully use something.

112:37 It's like it's like we having certain tools or you know in our homes and we don't know really the the understanding. So we may not really use them so much or we may just use them for one or two things. But then somebody else comes and say hey you know you can use this this also and say wow I had this tool and I didn't know I can do it. So it's something like that and then once you start using it as I said the reason it when it's beneficial if it becomes a habit because it serves us at possibly the right moments that's why I was giving you the extreme example of a fire you know why do so many people panic and only few people really you know make the difference so to say it's because somewhere they worked on it in in in that kind of an understanding and habit that they could source it at that time when other things were so much you know heavy where the sight of fire and the danger and the and the havoc that it is causing is so strong even in that strong emotional state they could come up with a resourceful state so just having resources is one thing understanding and using them in a more meaningful way for myself so again we are not trying to impose my understanding on the child but the child's understanding as it develops then the child can use it more meaningfully more habitually in that sense. That's why we like the term habits of mind although we have copied it. It's not our term so no credit to us but we like that term because this underlying u you know the the mindset that it gives us which is why I was saying that these are important in life to to work on otherwise we can just say we have all of these why do anything with them right so I would not focus on this but I would focus on this because they become my defining for me whichever way I want to whichever m whichever journey I want to go through.

114:34 I don't know if if that made any sense >> partially. I mean I'm see I'm also trying like even if I forget what it's called if I just you know try to get what it is for rather than you know getting into the label like so >> yeah yeah yeah is just a collective just a easy reference that's all nothing more than that. Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Okay. Right. Any other thoughts about if you have not if you're struggling to understand and and also very importantly I somehow I was a little disappointed let me put it that I gave a small visual of children playing in a playground and I was expecting people to give uh responses to that meaning you can still give responses to that. Um I I al I also want to clarify that habits of mind suppose I say uh responsibility is a habit of mind. Okay that does not mean irresponsibility is not a habit of mine. The responsibility is not a static thing in one extreme being irresponsible to the other extreme being let's say responsible just as honesty and dishonesty I'm talking about as one continuum with one end being so and I'm seeing myself moving along this continuum it's not like I'm fixed and only in this way I operate or only in that way I operate and since all of us operate in multiple ways and multiple things it it then also gives me a better understanding about about myself as an individual you know because I'm able to embrace the two poles of me you see at times I'm completely irresponsible and at times I was let's say very responsible let's say I think I was in a situation very responsible in a situation irresponsible now we're not yet we not talking about images now okay I don't have an image of myself as responsible or responsible but even in a functional way then I'm able to get better understanding. So please don't think these are only the positive the word qualities. That's why we don't like the word qualities. If anybody says what are your qualities I say I have all the qualities you know including including to be rude including to be sensitive. What do you mean by qualities? Everybody has all the qualities. It's just that where they are using when they are using how much they are using in what context we are. So that becomes more that's why we don't like the word qualities because it tends to say that or strength and weakness.

117:04 People ask oh you know what are your strengths and what are your weakness but but my very strength is also my weakness in a situation and my very weakness can be my strength in a situation or rather I have both these strengths and weaknesses right so in that sense it's interesting that we we we take the whole whole continuum of it we hold the whole continuum >> which is why you know each one of this is so interesting >> according to that there won't be anything which is left outside habits of mind right in that case everything is kind of habits of mind like because we are talking about positive negative neutral whatever it is in that case >> yes if you're looking at all the characteristic absolutely we all have all the habits of mind as far as I I think I haven't seen anybody who does not have in fact even if you just if you say oh compassion you know such lovely lovely words these people throw which I half don't understand what is this compassion but if I look around I see everybody has compassion yeah not necessarily the way I think compassion is but they will have there in their own context in their own way in their own situation in their own context if you have to if you get to observe them obviously if you have only one small window of a person and you may see him operating or her operating in a way you may say ah there is no compassion to it.

118:35 But that's not true. Uh the compassion is there. So again to say that this is some high fun word. No, it is there in each one. We just need to see it and learn from it if we want to or at least recognize it and make if if the other person would help to be aware of it. So Ratnes, I have a thought come question right. You said honesty is one end of the spectrum. At times it is dishonesty. Compassion versus violence that everyone navigates through this spectrum.

119:10 >> Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, sorry, you misunderstood me. I'm not saying they are I'm saying it's a continuum. I'm not saying there are two opposites. They're part of the same thing. >> So in case we spot this habit of mind, let's say dishonesty or uh opposite of compassion should be aggressive behavior or violence. Now I'm just confused at what time should we consider intervening because I heard about beliefs opening up windows being with the child. I somehow still feel that in case of this let me not call it negative habit of mind let me call it I don't know for the lack of better word let me call it negative if this is happening right I understand so >> tomorrow morning you'll get a story >> all right all right >> okay we'll take it from there [laughter] >> let's see mind feeling it's just that I want to control my uh trigger solution >> yes yes exactly >> I feel that in those negative terms I should intervene >> tomorrow learning.

120:10 >> Okay. One story especially for Arpan in the story growth. >> Sure. Sure. Sure. [laughter] >> And and hopefully that will give you some insight. Again, not my story. I've learned from somewhere and this story has been very very powerful for me also. So we'll I'll share it tomorrow morning. You'll have to wait till tomorrow morning. >> Sure. Look look forward to it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. Okay. So almost 10. Um Yeah. So we we we little bit worked on feelings. I'm hoping beliefs images you guys are more or less in kind of sync with a little touched on hom. If you're saying hey we didn't work with the empower don't worry we have uh almost some of the other sessions kind of directly as an extension of empower. So I'm not so worried about that. we will revisit that in a more expanded form uh in the two three sessions that we have including the facilitation session including all the sessions in fact so I think this is a good time to pause I don't know if this session has um helped or not helped but uh what I want you to uh my request is to just try these things again there is no right or wrong we're not trying to They whatever windows we have shown are better windows. No, no, no, no, no. They're not even better windows. They're just another window. So, try it out. See what it does to you. See what it does to your child. So, do I I do try out feelings.

121:45 Uh do try out playing around with your images. Go ahead and say to somebody, "Sometimes I'm like this, sometimes I'm like that." If you're fe if you're thinking about somebody, oh that person has come, he's always like this. Nobody's always like that. Now, so we can go to that person. Hey, sometimes you are like this and sometimes you are like that. Last time you were very like this to me, but not always you are like. So say those things, do these things.

122:09 When we do these things, then only we can experience what it does to us and what it does to others. Yeah. So my request is please do. Yes. If you share that would be wonderful. Even if you don't share but if you're trying out catching hom or catching yourself operating from feelings or acknowledging sorry catching yourself operating from images u giving importance to feelings obviously questioning your beliefs. So if you even if you do all of these u in whichever way no with no need to for us to produce any result we're just exploring this you can look at it this way there's no nothing to produce no all your rest of the problems of whatever parenting you still go ahead solve in your way whichever way you want to solve we don't need to solve any of those right now we just need to see how these pan out and how these will slowly slowly color the way you start understanding ing the child and then things will evolve automatically. Yeah. So let let's let me end again with this request.

123:12 Please do explore uh with children around irrespective of age. If there are no children around you on a day go ahead and assume every other adult in around you as a child and go ahead and and acknowledge their feelings [laughter] and and see what images we have and what uh what hom they are exhibiting and what I can learn from them. Ask them hey you are showing lot of initiative in this what made you show initiative so that way we are understanding their strategies their thinking it's it's so amazing to learn from uh from everybody yeah so especially our children so thank you and hope you will you are I'm sure learning a lot from your child hope you will learn more and u Friday we will get into behavior uh which has been the talked about session but [laughter] everybody wants something to do with the behavior but that's okay we are all uh yeah we will do that and we'll continue with our stories >> yeah so thank you bye-bye have a good night story will come tomorrow morning end with the story so so suspense today the story is coming up tomorrow morning [laughter] >> yeah okay thank Thank you.

124:34 >> Thank you. Good night.