The Four Strengths of Every Great Family

0:00 you're listening to the D6 podcast here's your hosts Ron Hunter and Jeremy Lee we are with Jim and Lynn Jackson uh thank you guys for being with us today oh it's great to be here we're excited The Jacksons work with single parents adopted parents parents of teens parents of kids are there any parents that we've left out that you don't work with we we do our best meet them all where they're at but in particular the uh parents of

0:27 kids with intense Behavior challenges parents and Blended parents of wealth and parents never mind not in particular we're going to keep going this is great but they're committed to challenge encourage and equip you to be a thoughtful and confident parent I love that yeah thank y'all for being here yeah uh today I want to talk to you about four strengths of every great family because you've come to D6 and that's what you're doing a seminar on um

0:51 I saw that and I thought huh I want to know what these four strengths are so if you don't mind let's start by just rolling through those I'm betting that there are ministers listening to this of just so you know ageg graded ministers are listening to this children's ministers youth ministers cool and uh so our whole goal here is to help our families be great so how can we accomplish that so what's the first one well four strengths of every great

1:14 family comes out of a book we wrote called how to grow a connected family and it's really a framework that we teach parents that helps them um not only learn some cool inspiring helpful equipping Concepts but then remember them when the heat is on I mean that's kind of been our goal all along we've been teaching parenting for well over 20 years and uh the first strength that we talk about of every great family is the

1:37 strength of a strong Foundation a foundation rooted and grounded in identity in Christ rooted and grounded in a strong sense of of individual purpose a strong sense of insight about about me about what's going on in me about how to how what's going on in me affects how I treat other people and so this strong Foundation is really the the underlying part of a strong family that parents are responsible to lead the way in before they teach their kids about it

2:04 because if you want to teach your kids spirituality but you yourself aren't really grounding and growing in God's Grace and Truth uh your kids just read that as hypocrisy so getting this Foundation it's never perfect we're always growing but growing a strong Foundation is strength number one all right and that really allows us to be authentic with our kids and and humble before them because we're receiving God's grace and truth and passing it on and when that Foundation is in place

2:30 then we can go um and really relate to kids with that second strength which is just to connect not just to say I love you kid but I love you and enjoy you and that's what's so key um in relationships with kids is that they feel enjoyed just because like so many of us we we know God loves us but does he enjoy us and so we we teach parents ways to communicate love not so that it can be understood

2:58 but so their kids can can't miss it and they really do feel loved and enjoyed so many Behavior challenges just disappear when kids feel that way so we talk about L lots of practical ways to help parents get that message through to their kids yep so if your Watchers listeners are tracking with us we got this Foundation at the base and then we build on on the foundation to connection okay and then strength number three let's bring it is

3:23 is is an environment of coaching we coach we we we take on the attitude of a coach with our kids not not a coach who waits for kids to make mistakes that's that's what we do when we correct our kids which is the fourth principle and it's important um but when we coach our kids we're really about proactive and D6 honestly is all about let's be proactive to coach our kids to train our kids in the way they should go to bring them up

3:45 uh to help them know their gifts know that God gave them those gifts for for his purposes uh to be a blessing in the world uh and let's get intentional about that let's not wait for misbehavior to try to do our teaching about what's right from wrong and building character but let's be let's be out ahead of it because if we're not out ahead of it somebody is coaching our kids there's influences all over the place teachers

4:06 uh media uh friends neighbors whatever it might be our kids are getting coached the question is are are we aware of the coaching we're doing with our kids and being proactive about that and that coach is like it's setting up specific opportunities for kids to learn and it's also asking thoughtful questions Jesus asked 304 questions that were recorded in Scripture and parents sometimes just think I'm gonna build values and skills by lecturing telling them what I think

4:35 um but to coach our kids really means asking thoughtful questions to elicit their thinking and thought process so so those values and skills come from within and not just from being yeah when we tell kids what to do it doesn't engage their brains the same way they don't learn the same way they might learn to respond to our big energy to get them to do what we want them to do but their brains don't go into a process by which

4:58 they understand why they're doing it and what their other options might be and what the impact of their behavior might be and and so good coaching really comes alongside a child and helps them to do this and questions is a key part so if you're if you're a 5-year-old and you're looking at what you're going to do I might say instead of saying no no no don't do that which is default for parents I I I might say what boy it

5:20 looks like you're looking at a couple of different things what are you thinking about which one do you think is best why uh oh well did you know that there's some things that might happen if you do that that would happen if you did that do you know what those are and all of a sudden a 5-year-old child or three even is is their brain is starting to engage or like what what and that's learning that's important learning because they

5:39 learning cause effect and wisdom rather than just respond to big Angry adults yeah growing wisdom and purpose is really kind of the end goal of this coach principal nice and then on top of that of course kids are still going to misbehave and then we need to correct them no honey if we do this perfectly they're going to we don't have to worry about this correction discipline thing and so often parents will come to us and

6:02 that's their felt need what's the consequence to make this Behavior stop and when they focus on punishment it discourages the child builds resentment um and so we help parents Embrace a focus on reconciliation and Galatians 6:1 says if anyone is caught in a sin you who are spiritual restore that person gently we just apply that to Parenting about restoration gently gently it's so hard for us as parents to

6:32 get to wrap our heads around this idea of of gentle discipline we think it needs to be firm we think we need to mean business we think we need to be the parent and uh those things might all be true but probably not most of the time a little bit here and there because we've won the trust of our kids by being gentle most of the time so when we get serious they know we really mean

6:52 business this time and being the parent we think means leading our child in building a value of reconciliation and then teaching them the skills about how to do that holding them accountable so you know the underlying principle is effective discipline puts responsibility on the child to make right what they've made wrong yeah so and and really what what happened is we wrote this first book how to grow connected family we wrote about these four strengths these

7:17 four principles a strong Foundation uh connect coach correct I mean like that's the four layers and be thoughtful about we not get a see at the bottom you know can you help us or I I know weed but here's the thing um we actually talked and laughed about that because the foundation really at the end of the day is not about what we do with our kids it's about something that we do it's between us and God it's about

7:47 personal private work it's about my own devotional life it's about my own growth and insight about me and what's going on in me and it is different and then we grow out of that Foundation into relationship with our kids which is the three CWS what happened was as we wrote that book and published it in 2005 okay and um it it's been very popular and well-liked on Amazon but then people said you know that last section isn't very long the section

8:11 about correction can you tell us more about that and so that's that's what led us to write about discipline and really start focusing on and and paying attention to uh the role that discipline has even in the spiritual formation of our kids so this thing that Lynn just said is really important uh it's my goal not to manage behavior when I discipline my kids it's my goal to shape their belief and when we discipline our kids

8:40 maybe as powerfully as at any other time we're shaping not how they behave but what they believe about themselves what they believe about themselves the the me the subtle underneath the surface messages that parents inadvertently unintentionally communicate during discipline are often through you know through body body language and tone of voice are often messages like you're a problem you're a pain in the neck you're FR you're you're disrespectful and disobedient and irresponsible um and

9:10 you're in control of my emotions now parents don't realize they're communicating those messages but that's the the messages kids are getting that become their inner voice that become their identity and from that identity flows lots of more of that same difficult Behavior yeah out of out of the abundance of our hearts our MS speak another way that you might think about that uh is that that based on how I identify myself that's how I behave and

9:37 our kids if we send them lots of UR messages like the ones Lynn's talking about you're a pain you're a problem and so on then they start to believe that's true about themselves and then they naturally behave that way and then we discipline them um for their behavior but what we're not attentive to is that their behavior is Flowing out of their identity and we don't even pay attention to that in our default as parents because we're moving so fast and we want

10:00 to get this done and we want to be the parent and we want to get this right uh and the the pace of our culture has has compelled us as parents wrongfully so we think to get stuff done quickly and efficiently discipline is not a quick and efficient matter yeah wow you guys are amazing here so you've got another seminar called siblings and I've got two boys so bring this on I'm ready for you uh from

10:27 bickering to bonding I think this we might go viral if you can give us some help with this uh now how in the world can we accomplish this well I think that there's two really underlying challenges that parents face that they're not even aware of in The Sibling issue and one is um the kids don't value the relationship as much as is really necessary for them to start to work through problems and they don't value reconciliation so a

10:55 parent primary job really is to help them really learn to value that um sibling relationship enjoy it um so that they want to get back to the joy and then to see reconciliation as that's what reconciliation is about so we can get back to the joy that we were created for in this relationship so we try to make that practical for parents um because often times how they engage with sibling conflict makes the relationship more problematic less appealing and also

11:26 makes reconciliation less appealing say you're sorry you know it's like that's not and to go back to the framework that we talked about in our first book I mean we really talk about sibling relationships in that context with different words um and and the framework when if if you think about what parents typically do when their kids fight what do we do we go hey you kids stop that you need to get along you say you're

11:47 sorry you say you're sorry hey hey that's not okay no no no you go to your room and don't come out until you can say you're sorry you don't treat your sister like that you don't treat your sister like that that is not okay and and and so what are kids learning right now and what's going on in me right now and am I am I getting back to that Foundation uh whereby I communicate a message to my child you're safe with me

12:08 here I'm for you not against you if you're my child and I act that way with you do you feel like I'm for you or against you yeah against me yeah so so what do I need to do as a parent with these kids to to be calm to settle down this isn't my conflict it's theirs uh how do I lead and we have a little picture that we draw how do I how do I lead the way off of crazy Mountain

12:30 there's there's there's a stream here and on the other side of the stream is is a Reconciliation Meadow right and we talk about it's our job as parents to climb down off a crazy Mountain by stepping on the first stone across that stream which is the stone of calming uh how do I calm me how do I model that for my kids in a way that they can start to learn to calm down as well that's all foundational stuff right

12:54 and then how do I help them understand themselves and the emotions that they've got where's empathy showing up in any of this how do I empathize how do I help them learn to empathize that's the stone of understand each other so so we lead the way I can't expect them to understand each other if I'm not understanding what's going on in me if I'm not helping them understand what's going on in each other and so the second

13:15 Stone um I have to model that and lead the way toward that uh and of course we engage parents in the workshop in all kinds of ways to to to make this their own information and then the the next Stone um is solve so it goes calm understand solve which is really a coaching kind of a thing right and that's where the parent facilitates the kids coming to some sort of agreement that will help them each get a a bit of

13:40 what's important to each one of them um and then solve after you know even if it's messy and it takes a while the final step is really important and that is celebrate and that helps the kids to feel good about whatever they did that was a little better than last time um and that celebr um Step or rock or whatever across the stream is really what strengthens the whole process because then kids are eager to get back and do it again and we

14:10 had a little six-year-old say um her brother whacked her and her dad was in the big you know that's not okay son go to timeout and she goes to her dad and says daddy daddy don't put Austin in timeout let us do the peace process yeah she want kids want to learn to do this they feel so grown up and good about themselves especially if we celebrate well at the end of it yeah we've actually made an online course out of

14:32 this peace process and the cing relationship uh uh course and and we we run into parents that we've never met and they say my kids are asking me to do the peace process like we can't believe this it's amazing so where can they find that so our website is connected families.org and uh you know we we have a bunch of resources the books are among them but we provide parent coaching virtually all around the country we've

14:55 got online courses a different a small but growing menu of of coures where people can do this individually or as as small groups and then of course we want to partner with churches to build strong families and do workshops in the context of of of of youth leaders children's ministry leaders senior pastor leaders their vision for equipping parents uh if if it includes helping bring God's grace and truth into the messes of everyday life kind of

15:21 stuff then we would love to be a part of helping to do that because that's what we've done for the last 20 plus years that's amazing okay I need to ask you about this uh you are teaching about I want to get this right oh there you go you're doing another seminar that hits home for me it's called understanding your sensitive or intense child uh I'd like some highlights from that please well this is Lynn sweet do

15:46 not charge me for this and and so go you you two go go real here but um Lynn is an occupational therapist by by training uh and worked in clinic for a long time with kids with sensory and Behavioral needs and so I'm just going to drink coffee and listen to this wise woman spew her nuggets well this is really about kids nervous system each person's nervous system perceives their body and the environment differently from the

16:11 next person and we don't really realize that the fullness of that so parents often look at this child and think you're just like irrational I don't relate to how you're behaving at all right now but we don't realize that that child May well be um experiencing Sensations in their body or what's coming at them you know Sight and Sound kind of things as overwhelming much more intense um aversive they can't adjust the level or intensity of the sensation

16:40 it might not match well with other Sensations that are coming in and the world becomes an unsafe overwhelming confusing place now that's a lot and they act out and that's a lot of stress and they act out out out of that stress just like we would if we were experiencing those kinds of things um it's almost like listening to a radio station the volume is stuck on high and it's in between stations and you get this static and crackle so it's aversive

17:06 it's unpleasant it's too intense and you can't really adjust it so and then I get loud in order to control my environment and then I get punished for it yeah yeah so it's sort of the the the the way they cope is the best defense is a good offense so if I'm really sensitive to touch I'm afraid you're going to touch me I'm going to come up and whack you first cuz then you're going to back away

17:28 I feel in control um but I'm just doing coping mechanisms so when parents can understand how much their kids are actually kind of suffering in this uh intensity and this sensitivity it brings compassion and it also helps parents learn strategies of how to help the child be protected from some of the things that are most aversive to them and then also introduce calming Pleasant Sensations right when they need it so if dinner time is a crazy time you know

18:00 about an hour before that you can help the child get some big motor activity you know lots of big muscle action which is calming you can give them a little back rub um and then you can give them something pleasant to focus on while you're fixing dinner you know so you think proactively about how to help them our kids we we we affectionately say that our kids had straight A before school started which meant they had

18:24 allergies ADD ADHD and acid reflux I love that and all evidence of a wired nervous system and I didn't know about this stuff as our kids were growing up but Lynn had our house equipped with barrels to roll around in and blankets and Swings in the basement for kids to swing around in and all kinds of sensory kids before dinner you need to go down and jump on the mini for a while cuz we know have some fun be creative

18:47 downstairs so uh yeah that was our early learning y well uh we need to end this because we need to make arrangements for you to come live at my house AB fa well we do have a contract in our briefcase yeah look we could do a little parenting parent coaching I give you freebie session that's great Hey listen uh the books we've mentioned today are how to grow a connected family and dis discipling that connect disciplining

19:16 that connects with your child's heart and uh the website if you want to grab these is connected families.org this is Jim and Lyn Jackson thank you guys so much for being with us he great to be here yeah great thanks we're having fun