Jagriti66 - #3 Feelings - 30 Jan 2026

0:09 Okay, good evening. Welcome. And uh yeah, today we are we are both here. Uh this is an exciting change or development you can say from our side. Aditi has decided to face the screen as they say. So yeah, so you can say hi. >> Hi Adina. >> Right. So if she needs to step out in between kindly excuse her if that is a requirement. Um right so let's start. Uh please come on video more people. So it's nice for both of us to see you um and enjoy interacting with you. uh with a video it's it's much much more interesting.

1:00 So please uh please more people come on video. Yeah. And uh right let's right uh let's start with a small activity. Hope you've got a small ball or a crumpled ball made out of paper or or you could have got a a kchief or a sock or anything a small soft toy. So, anything which can which need not break things in your room. Uh but you can throw it and what you have to do is if you see the little visual uh you have to throw the ball or the object from behind you while not looking behind and throw it over your head and catch it in front preferably with the same hand but anyway you can try with with the other hand also right so please go ahead and start doing it and as you are doing it just just see what what are the different uh you know feeling things as you as you do the whole thing right from what you're feeling right now to you know to what you are feeling by the end when you when you finish doing it. Yeah. Even if you are on a bed you can sit on a bed and try doing it. So you have to flip the object whichever you've got from behind you over your head and catch it in front. That is what you have to do >> with the same hand.

2:28 >> Yeah. Please flip from the behind. You have to throw it from behind. Look at the image and without seeing. Flip it in front of you and and catch it right from your waist, not from your head, but right from your waist level and catch it again at the waist level in front. Try try throwing it right from behind. And as you're doing it, just just see what are the different different feelings that you are experiencing.

2:59 Yeah, some of you are just throwing it from the top. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to throw it from right behind. Take your hand right behind you as if you're scratching your lower back. So, from lower back to tummy, that's the region the body should travel. Go ahead. Go ahead. Try it out. Yeah. And more people on video would be really nice. Um, >> I'm not even able to leave the bowl from my hand.

3:29 >> That's okay. That's okay. That's okay. Right now, just focus on your feelings. As all of this is happening, what are you feeling? You can stand and do it. Sit and do it. Yeah. Flip it from your lower back to tummy level right over your head. Just like the picture. >> Try it out. If you're not able to do it, that's okay. It's just that you are trying. That's all. >> Yeah. The idea is to be aware of your different feelings.

4:01 If you are going through different feelings, we hope so. Okay. If you have tried a number of times, then you can settle back. Whether you were able to do it or not doesn't matter. You have the whole lifetime remaining to master this. Yeah. Uh this simple thing and make it a part of your daytoday life. Okay. Okay. So what I want you to do is I want you to share what were the different feelings you went through right from when you started till the end. What were the different feelings you went through? One feeling, two feeling, five feelings, 10 feelings, whatever. Just share either in chat or on voice. Both is good. Uh actually yeah voice would be nice. Just just name the feelings. A comma b comma c comma like that just just the key feelings.

5:02 First of all I felt that uh cheated. Pardon? >> I felt cheated because I thought that whether it is possible or not. >> Cheated. Okay. Cheated is okay. cheated. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. Just share two, three, four feelings. Whatever feelings you don't then I tried it harder and was able to do it once or twice. >> Yeah. Pause. Pause. Pause. Just the feelings. No other statement. Just a comma b comma ca d comma like that.

5:34 >> So first of all I felt cheated and uh then uh I took it as a challenged and uh no no you're adding too many things. Just stay with the feelings nothing else. what you did. That's not what we are interested. We are only interested in the feelings. >> Okay. >> Cheated, challenged, and then finally >> uh happy. >> Okay. Somebody's saying stupid and funny, skeptical and fun, excitement, fun, uh thrilled, funny, kidish, difficult, playful, happy, funny.

6:11 It was actually funny but uh at first I felt like it's difficult. So funny and difficult. >> Mhm. Did you feel difficult or did you think it was difficult? >> I think I I thought it is difficult uh like >> Yeah. So let's focus only on feelings. When you thought it was difficult, what was the feeling? >> The funny. >> Okay. Okay. Frustration, excitement, fun, energetic, happy, difficult and okay. Funny, playful, irritated, confused, excited, joy, funny, playful, funny, energized.

6:50 Okay. Any other feeling people felt? So as as somebody was sharing in in the beginning, so it can be ch changing. It can be series of feeling. It's now that one feeling you had you started with something and in between some more feelings came as your actions were changing and your efforts were changing your feelings were as someone was saying I started with >> it's funny but funny difficult thinking that it was difficult >> it's in a way it's I mean when you start like when You were excited or you are kind of seeing as a challen so like you feel a bit challenged as this thing then you try it uh you feel little embarrassed it's not happening you feel uh then you are actually again challenging you no no you want to make it work and then you try something else you know you whatever three four things and then again you are still >> sad not sad sorry uh mess disappointed you want to say something like that so it it I mean yeah it it it and then eventually yeah you you like were not happening so you are in a way feeling funny but yeah >> okay so uh any thoughts that in in a matter of few maybe minutes uh couple of minutes some of you felt two three four five six feelings what is what is that telling you any quick quick thought on that >> feeling keeps on changing Okay. Feelings keep on changing. Any other >> situation we can have?

8:40 >> Mama, >> sorry. Two people speaking. Can you come again? >> Can you repeat please? >> Feelings can come uh and they can be there can be many feelings in a situation. We can absolutely feel so many feelings at one moment. Okay. Holding all at a time is difficult. Were they all coming at the same time or one after another? We go through multiple feelings every minute says Shushi.

9:19 Okay. Alo is saying some feelings I don't want to stay with. Fair enough. Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh let's let's move ahead. This is just as a starter just to get connected with some of our feelings right away. Um, okay. Uh, I I want to share a small Calvin and Hobbs u uh comic. I hope you can read what is there in the comic. If you're not able, let me help you by reading out the first frame. Calvin is you can see coming running through the door. He's shouting, "Mom, mom, a big dog knocked me down and he stole Hobbs."

9:58 Hobbs is Calvin's soft toy for people who are not familiar with Calvin and Hobbs. Uh, in the second frame, he's saying, "I tried to catch him, but I couldn't, and now I've lost my best friend. His soft toy he's refing to." In the third frame, the ma mom is saying, "Well, Calvin, if you wouldn't drag the tiger everywhere, tiger is his soft toy. Things like this wouldn't happen. So man mom comes up with this thought and there's obviously a last frame which I've kind of hidden. Okay. Would you like to guess what what what this what happens in this last frame?

10:34 >> I think the child might uh felt upset or maybe sad. >> Mhm. Okay. And why do you think so? because he was already like maybe he might already sad feeling sad and after getting this response uh it kind of you know get more kind of u >> more sad. Yeah, getting that approval from mom's end. Okay, this is what uh >> the reason actually.

11:06 >> Yeah, Harpan is saying regret. Shushi is saying because his feelings were invalidated. Okay. >> He would have the feeling of I mean he would have started crying or >> can you be a little louder? >> He would have started crying or he would be little really upset. >> Okay. More upset. Really upset. Okay. I think it's a funny comic. So, the dog must also be a soft toy and he was just playing it with >> and saying that dog has uh eaten up his tiger.

11:41 >> Okay. Okay. Okay. Let me let me show you what happens in the last frame. Uh somewhat similar to couple of what you were saying. He's saying there's no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse. Yeah, that's what that's what Calvin is saying. If you want, I can um so I I will obviously share this comic strip and you can you can read it more later. So yeah, any any thoughts uh after seeing this clip uh little sorry comic strip not clips strip >> I think I was >> I do this >> okay sorry >> I'm saying is I do this very often when uh add more guilt to the situation you're adding guilt Uh okay.

12:39 >> I think I I can relate to the feeling my child would be going through when we say see I told you it will fall or see I told you this would happen >> that's why they won't do that. >> Yeah I think it's very relatable. We tend to do something like this very often uh where we value our judgment and our being right more than what the child is feeling. So uh my children are 29 and 19 and I realize that I still do it. See I told you.

13:13 >> See I told you. So this is continuing till now. >> Okay. >> I also I have also done many times the same thing. >> Okay. Okay. So this became a confession time. Okay. I didn't plan it that way. >> Group confession. Okay. Let's move ahead with this realization at least that some of us are sharing that I end up doing it. So I want to quickly move on to this little exercise or you know kind of a little homework that we gave everybody to share uh one feeling one sorry one situation or a behavior that is unacceptable and what is your response and what was your feeling and how important was your feeling and what is the child feeling and how important is the child feeling. Okay. So, I want to share uh wait wait wait wait wait wait not this not this not this wait uh I want to share the spreadsheet where all your responses are now okay I hope you can make some sense of the small font size are you able to kind of make some sense >> yes yes we can read it Okay.

14:50 You I'm going to love I think Ratnes got disconnected.

15:29 >> Yeah, he got disconnected. >> But I think it's safe to say that we are all in the same boat in some senses. We all are guilty. That's true. Now we are guilty.

16:02 It would be good if we can tell the same thing to our kids. They'll be happy. But I think we are all trying our level best also. We have to give ourselves some some credit. >> No, no, we should give them a chance. No, see I told you you are annoying. See, I told you you are annoying. Yeah. >> So my kids tell me, "Ma'am, mom, everything is fine, but please don't say these words I told you.

16:44 Yeah, I remember our parents telling me this, you know, whenever I did something wrong and I go go to them to just, you know, accept my mistake and they're telling me, I told you so. My mother always used to say that and I used to feel bad, but I'm doing the same with my kids. So, yeah, >> it is patented. No, it has a copyright. You know what I think somehow it also kind of you know gives you the pride to have the title of the parent va thing know that I told you so now that I am a parent I know it better exactly the way my parents used to tell me I've earned that that somehow is my feeling at times you know that remember who's the king right now >> correct I completely agree with that as pres as as parents we feel like we are no less than monarchs dictators you know omniresent in our children's lives and our role is the most important.

17:41 So >> I think we want them to listen to us. So we kind of tell them We have been in that uh mode of listening to somebody else for so many years. We want to have somebody >> okay poof everything went off and we had to kind of restart everything. So apologies embarrassment whatever whatever feeling.

18:15 No, no, no, no. We were we were we were actually we were actually chatting Rat and and one sentiment that was going that >> one sentiment that was going Rat if you can hear us is that we are all in the same boat if you look at that Excel sheet was the bigger realization that's what I would just like to kind of >> yeah just sure let me share it again and um let's restart the discussion after the little break.

18:45 Okay. Right. So, here is the chart. Um, now what I want you to do is uh the first column is the uh is the child's behavior. Then parent response. Then what uh what the parent was feeling and how important is parents feeling and then the child's feeling and how important is the child's feeling. Now when you look at all of these especially when you look at your feelings as in the parent feeling and the child's feeling and how important are your feeling and how important is the child feeling?

19:24 Uh yeah what what what are you what is coming to you? What is this table telling you? What is this chart? And these are responses shared by all of you. There are many more responses. So thank you for all the responses. Um but what is this what is this table telling you? We are saying that child's feeling is important. I mean we are see we are agreeing that it is very important.

19:56 However I mean we are saying it but what we are doing is giving importance to what we and and our actions are kind of related to that more or less. >> Absolutely. >> Yeah. Many times. Yeah. >> So if we are saying what you're saying is that the child's feelings we are saying is important or rather very important but we don't seem to be giving it any importance. >> Yeah. So our saying and doing is different like that you know it's sort of politically Yeah. Correct.

20:31 doesn't allow us to you know you know it doesn't allow us to you know feel you know uh know downate or >> headmate or whatever we are doing we we always think we are the best we can think uh best for our child >> sure but let's stay with the feelings right now we are saying the child's feelings are important and our feelings are also important But we seem to be giving importance only to our feelings. I mean that's throughout the chart. Even if I scroll down um >> what is what is that telling you? What is that telling you that okay I am how double pointed out how we are saying that the child feeling is important but we are only giving importance to our feelings.

21:23 >> It also means that responses are not working. Uh no no no no no no responses is later. Uh it in that situation child is feeling something. >> Yeah. I want to clarify here one thing that it's not at all about the responses. Let's stay at the feelings. >> Yeah. You see we are feeling something and the child is feeling something right and whatever we are feeling we seem to be taking care of it by our response.

21:50 But whatever the child is or addressing our feelings by by our response but the child's feelings where do they go? If they are very important then what about them and what are we doing about that >> but we know better I mean we feel >> yeah you even know better. Yes grand you will know better. Well, we feel that way. >> I'm saying what about the child's feeling? If you're saying very important, would you like to? So, we Okay, so let's put it again in this way.

22:26 Okay, there is child's feelings. There is our feelings. We are giving importance to our feelings. We are addressing our feelings >> by certain >> or even using our feelings and giving a certain response. But we are not seem to be doing anything with the child's feelings. Now my question to you is a simple question which we talked about last time. What do you want? Do you want to give only importance to your feelings or do you want to give importance to the child's feeling?

22:55 >> Also >> also >> we say that our child's feeling is important but our action shows that only our feelings are important. The child >> which means the child feelings are not important. Let's agree to it. Let's say okay because this exercise we said that but in general we are not even maybe in cognissance with the child's feeling we are not even thinking or being aware of the child's feeling they're only aware of our feelings and our actions >> like I think in that Calvin strip which we mother was not even aware of but not even >> thinking about the sphere she was only thinking about her lecture >> no but the sad thing is uh uh even the parents feeling is also kind of it's not happy excited you know achieved I mean both are losing in a way so there's no none of none of them not the child nor the parents both are kind of feeding >> can can I push this discussion a little later whether we are losing or gaining let's keep that little aside we'll come back to it yeah right now just stay with this that >> what do we want I'm asking you the question which we asked last time and which we'll keep on asking in fact you will say Jagrati's name should be changed to what do I want >> program honor both the child I would want to honor both my feeling and the child's feeling I feel like every time I don't honor mine I don't honor his also it happens sometime it happens with me sometimes >> well I well okay fair enough but I'm saying see anyways we seem to be honoring our feeling or rather operating from our feeling so the the bigger agenda is do we want to honor or give importance to the child's feeling yes or no do we want to say hey your feelings are important at least inside us do we want to say hey this child's feelings are important yes my feelings are important but this child's feeling is important >> do we want to do that So, so I think the point which we're trying to make is that first exercise which we did we realized that just one minute exercise we went through various feelings. So are we aware of that whatever situation the child is whatever child is behaving child is also going through some feelings and are we taking care of that feeling I'm not saying that are we are we are we giving up to the child's feeling but what I think we are trying to bring the point is that we are responding by take we are we are responding certain way to take care of our feeling >> satya use the statement we steamrolling child.

25:52 Okay. Okay. Let's move ahead. So I don't know how many of you would like to give importance value just like we were talking about giving value and importance to the child's thinking last time last session. How many of us would like to give importance and value to the child's feeling? Let's just take a quick check. Just say yes in the chat or why in the chat. If you if you say no, you can say no. Both I know both feelings are important. We are anyway taking care of our feelings. So I'm not addressing our feelings right now. We'll address it little later. Um but let's say let's say are we are we wanting to and if you're saying yes I want to take care of the child's feeling. Why why would you like to take care of the child's feeling?

26:39 >> An extension of that is that why the child's feelings are important than our feeling. So in principle we agree that the child's feelings are important >> and also we we want to take care of our feelings also because we don't want to demean ourselves. >> So Malvika is saying to help him feel seen and heard most basic right make the child feel valued and understood.

27:11 Somebody's saying uh I want to value my child's feelings but uh since I have that logical mind where my mind thinks that this is not good for him I want to do it 50/50 like 50% of the time I want to value my feelings and 50% of the times his feelings >> okay okay Priyanka you asked for it so let's go for a story right story time story time. Story time. I'm zooming ahead. Let's go to a story time.

27:49 Okay, let me tell you a little story. Uh >> moola. >> Uh this is a Moola Nasarudin story. One of my favorite charact or rather our favorite characters. Uh and this story goes like this. So listen to this story. Um Moola is outside his house. It's night time. Moola is outside his house. There is a street lamp there and he's searching something under the street lamp. So his friend comes along and asks him, "Moola, what did you lose?" So Moola said, "I I I lost I dropped a coin." So his friends his friend says, "Okay, where did you drop the coin?"

28:23 Moola says, "Inside the house." The friend says, "If you dropped it inside the house, why are you searching here?" He says, "Because it's dark inside and there is light here." What did Moola say? said because there is light here I'm searching here inside the house it's all dark so what are we saying >> logically >> logic is your street lamp and emotions are the dark insights mean dark is just a metaphor now if you're trying to bring in logic then you're trying to say I'm going to search for the coin outside but the feeling is happening inside right we we we we have a saying emotional problems do not have a logical solution no matter how much your logic if I'm feeling let's say let's say nervous you can give me as much logic does that help me does that help you when you're feeling nervous or let's say scared somebody's giving logic no no worry nothing will happen to you go for this bangy jumping you will not dozen dozen >> all the logic you know there are like 10 safety devices here go bungee jump 100 ft but if you are scared we are scared if you are nervous we are nervous if you are excited we are excited if we say no no no don't be excited it's all right calm down calm down we are excited we are excited India's about to win the match I'm excited last All >> Simula is saying where are we searching?

30:12 >> So I want to add something to it. Yeah. So many of the time it looks logical what we say what we do that and we we somehow maybe sometime we might be justified what I did was the best or the correct because I know like in this situation this is how we correct the behavior. But the point is to bring back to that no matter how the child is behaving there is a feeling. >> There is a feeling. Yes, there is a feeling. So what about the child's feeling? Can we can we can we do we want to value the child's feeling? That is the question.

30:55 Do we want to give importance? We've got to give acceptance to the child's and and and also think about what would happen. Let's say let's say you are feeling nervous and somebody says, "Hey, you look nervous.

31:27 What will that do to you? Or you are let's say um embarrassed and somebody says hey you are embarrassed or you are um whatever you are petrified terrified and somebody says hey you are scared you are terrified. What does that do to you? Somebody somebody kind of addresses your feeling not addresses the >> recognize >> recognizes gives value gives importance by maybe just saying it or in some other way. There can be 100 million ways of doing it but in some ways stays with your feeling.

32:22 How will you what what would that do to you? >> Yeah. Some thoughts. >> Yeah. So like we are already feeling low and somebody is coming and you know telling us up front that you know are you feeling like that or you are >> you're not asking you're not asking we are only recognizing that you are feeling that. nervous. >> You're looking nervous. >> Yeah. So, it actually uh hits the confidence or courage that you know being in the it becomes actually hard to you know accept that someone is actually identifying what we are feeling.

32:59 >> Mhm. >> Mhm. And connecting with your feelings. Would you like people to connect with your feelings when you're feeling something >> or logical? >> No. I would like if someone is able to connect with my feeling but it again depends how the person is conveying same thing. >> So so let's leave that maybe you you would want it to be conveyed in a different way. The point here is not we we are not trying to be sarcastic or anything. We're just trying to say lecture on that with your feeling. We are even accepting it. Okay you are feeling like this. It's all right to feel like that whatever you are feeling.

33:40 Uh so I would rather prefer somebody just silently being there uh and not naming the feeling. >> Sure. Sure. So again that is a personal choice. You may like your feelings to be to be accepted or acknowledged or given importance by being silent. Fair enough. Uh different there. I'm not trying to say there's that's why I said there are million ways of possibly giving importance to somebody's feeling. Yeah. And obviously it could be different from different people. We are not trying to say there is one. It has to be a same way. There's no formula to it. The point is that we are giving importance to the feeling rather than the behavior.

34:22 >> I would feel supported and uh uh seen in that moment and safe also. Uh uh yeah. >> Uh >> yeah, let's let's take this. Let's take one situation. Let's say you're throwing food on the floor. I've just highlighting in in the spreadsheet. And the child is throwing food on the floor. And we see the feeling is anger. Let's say let's say the feeling is anger. And if you say to the child, hey, you look angry.

34:55 Mhm. I'm just again I don't know if this will work but I'm just saying we focus on his anger rather than on his behavior. The behavior of throwing food on the floor is whatever whatever >> because when I just want to add something so when we are focusing on behavior we actually when we are recognizing the behavior we are only focusing on behavior >> on the behavior >> and we forgetting the feelings in that whole process. So if we say to the child hey you look angry or or whatever if we know what is then we can say oh this is making you angry if we know what it is.

35:34 >> So what are we doing? What are we doing? We are we are connecting with the child's feelings. >> So >> would you like to do that? So the big question is what happens when we connect with the child's feelings and not through the child's behavior but through child's or anybody's feelings. Um so I I would actually you know need some help here. So taking the same situation yes okay fine if he address the child and say are you feeling angry >> what after that you know yes he says I'm angry then what wait so wait wait wait what after that yes what after that but what before that >> what wait wait wait wait wait you're going too fast >> okay >> you're going you're going too fast you're still wanting a solution you're still under the street come back come back. Okay, let me give you an analogy if you allow me. Uh the analogy is let's say let's say I'm on a phone call with you, right? And the line got gets disconnected. Okay, now I can keep on saying whatever I want to say to you.

36:48 Does it make any sense to you? Just like how we got disconnected few minutes back from the zoom. Maybe maybe it was a it was not an accident. Maybe we purposefully did it. >> Good analogy. Now when the disconnection happens then whatever I say does that make any sense? >> No. >> No. So what is most important is the connection. >> Mhm. >> If there's no connection then everything else is anyway useless. So we can give giving lecture. How many times I've told you no not to d and this is not okay and this is bad and this is throw food on the >> I can I can give all the lectures of the world but I have no connection because the child is feeling something and I am somewhere else the child is somewhere else there's no connection so so in a way you are asking rat once I make the connection what after that I'm saying you have already won it the lottery is yours the connection Connection is made. Now you have to choose you want connection or correction.

37:56 >> I want connection leading to correction. I >> connection who will do. Go back to previous session. Correction who would do or who would you want to do? >> Yeah. The child itself. >> Yeah. See any which way you can't correct the child. Child is not a robot that you press two buttons and now the child behaves in a different way. >> Any which way the transformation in any behavior has to come from the individual. Agreed?

38:24 >> Now what is more important is that first we acknowledge connect with the feeling first the feelings gets addressed. >> But how do we do that? Sometimes you're not able to understand the child's feelings or maybe even acknowledge that he's feeling something. >> Right. Right. Right. You see what we have written up there? Guess what is the child feeling? There's no problem in guessing. Right? If you guess the child's feeling and one simple way at least what we have experienced is simply acknowledge the feeling. Let's take an example. Let me move to this slideshow again. Let's take one example.

39:02 Uh let's go let's go where it where it is. Right. >> Okay. Let let's say the child is um is saying that uncle is so bad. Okay, that is the that is the what is so mean and maybe he uses couple of abusive verbs words also for that uncle. Let's say the child is 13 14 years is that unclean IS SO MEAN BLAH BLAH BLAH couple of abusive words also right? Um now what do you do?

39:35 What is your response? Think about it. What is your response? What's your response? Just think about it. You don't have to share it right now. Just think about what would be your response. Child is coming again. >> This is a bad thing. You should not say don't do don't say like that. No, no, no. You don't say like that. >> So in most cases we don't give importance to the child's feeling. Child is feeling something. What is the child feeling? Let's take a guess.

40:10 Okay, pause, pause, pause. In this situation, wait, wait, wait. In this situation, would you like to give importance to the child's feeling? Yes or no? You have to decide. >> So when the child, I want to bring back your feeling also when the child is saying that you're feeling either ashamed that my child is using this language or you're feeling dissatisfied with the child's behavior. So that's your feeling. So, so to address that we we often correct the child by saying that that's not nice to say. How can you say that about that uncle? That uncle is so nice to you.

40:48 >> Yeah. So, let's say we have a feeling fair enough. Let's say okay, I am feeling whatever XY Z but the child is also feeling something. So, I'm asking you would you like to give importance at least to the child's feeling? Yes or no? Yeah, you think about it and if you would like to then tell me what is the child feeling this one I want you to tell me on the on the chat or on the mic what is he feeling >> anger >> anger >> yeah please feeling angry >> feeling angry >> hurt maybe >> maybe hurt >> rejected >> so you see we are able to guess we can't we not necessarily know exactly what is he feeling but we can make a guess you know angry hurt ups said whatever whatever what if we were to just say this let me put the whole slide now we we we're just saying hey that upset you or you feel so angry what is that doing to the child what is that telling the child suppose you are the one who is feeling that that uncle is so mean and and let's say the person with you your friend your spouse your family member is saying hey you look really angry what is that telling you >> that the other person is listening.

42:10 >> Yes. That the other person is listening not to the words. The words were abusive but to the feelings behind that the dark inside. You see the feelings are coming from somewhere else. The the action is coming from somewhere. Action is all visible under the street lamp. But the feelings are not so obvious but they are there. They're loud and clear actually but coming from the inside >> and that is the key to connection with the child not the Wi-Fi connection not the Wi-Fi router.

42:41 >> Yeah. Have have you ever felt that way and then told either your spouse or your mom dad or your friend you don't understand me when we are saying you don't understand me to another person who is giving you a lecture at that time and you are feeling something strongly. What do you mean? You mean my feelings are not being given importance. You're on to your own lecture or your own gan or your own feelings. So what are we trying to do in a way? We trying to understand the child trying to remember we are trying to we not we cannot fully understand because it's all dark inside and there's no need for us to fully understand. What is important is we we connect with the child. Ah this guy is trying to understand me. My dad mom is trying to understand me. This person is connecting with me with my state of affairs.

43:36 >> Rates may I add something >> please? >> So like now as it was going on so my daughter just came screaming out of her room that our um house help is bothering her and pestering her that what will she have for uh >> uh dinner. So usually I would scream that behave yourself. you can't talk to her like that. So I just went I said I understand you got disturbed and you are angry and um and then she immediately calmed down. She said thank you mama for understanding should have put it on the camera. Oh yeah. And she said this.

44:12 >> And I and I said, "Yeah, don't don't bother her. You know, she's upset. She's just come out from come back from her teacher and give her some space." And uh she's like, "Thank you, mommy. Thank you so much." And I'm like, "Wow." Otherwise, this would have escalated to a different level. >> Yeah. >> So what we saying is one way to give importance is to acknowledge. See, we want to give importance to the child being. We want to give importance to our feelings also. So you can acknowledge both. Yeah. You can acknowledge I'm feeling embarrassed but the child is feeling angry. Let's say the child is throwing a tantrum in a shopping mall. Okay. You are feeling embarrassed. Let's say I'm feeling embarrassed as Ratn. And this child is feeling upset that you I'm not buying her the toy which she wants. Let's say so there's a tantrum happening let's say in a in a mall or a shop. So I'm saying hey okay I say to myself I'm feeling embarrassed man. So many people are looking at me. But I say to the child, hey, you are feeling upset.

45:16 Let's go back. Let's go back. Let's go back. >> But the funny part is the moment I will say that you're feeling upset. I want to solve this problem by saying now let's go out of it. >> Okay, let's let's do one thing. Let's do one thing. Let's try this. Let's try this. If you're with us, uh let's try this. I will hide our column. So parent is gone. Let's stay with the child for few moments. Just few moments and see the magic which uh you just experience.

45:48 Amriita Amriita right? Amriita experienced that. >> That's correct ama. >> Yeah. >> So I want to add something to it. So in the first activity when we were doing with the ball somebody in the somebody wrote in the chat window that the feelings are not permanent. So if we can stay with that understanding that whatever the child is feeling right now is not permanent and it's not going to be permanent behavior of the child >> because right now in certain feeling child is behaving in certain way but but both of both are not permanent.

46:21 So if we can just understand that so our behavior is also not permanent because our feeling is not permanent. It it's it's like something has caused a short circuit. Obviously, the circuit breaker needs to be taken care of first. Yeah, you'll find the cause and we go into that later later. Maybe maybe by 12th or 13th session we will talk about that right now if we take some of these situations. So let's just do a little I'm not calling it as a practice. Let's just go through few situations. Right.

46:55 The first situation is child is hitting and hurting and what is the child feeling? The child is feeling bad. So what can we say or do? Okay, right now let's just keep it on acknowledging. Again, please don't think acknowledging feeling by saying the feeling out is the only way. >> I think you're this is also not important. >> Yeah. So what would you like in the first situation? I'm just going by the few. We just take few situation and then then you can go back to your situations listed in this and and see how you would like to do it. So let's let's just do together. Yeah. Okay. Uh so what what would you like to say to the child who is hitting and hurting others and the child is probably feeling bad about something. What would you like to say?

47:46 Come on somebody. You can type in chat or just come on mic. I think that would be better. It's live like as if you're talking to the chat. I typically would say I see you're feeling uh angry. >> Okay. >> You're feeling >> but I don't like it. That also I would say but I don't like it that you're hitting. >> Yeah. Yeah. But then you're again bringing the logic right liking is a judgment. You're not liking something.

48:19 Yeah. And you're going bring back to focuses on behavior. Why is there such a to behavior when we can give importance to the feeling? Think about it. When we are feeling something, don't we want to give importance to our feelings? So if at this age we want our feelings to be given so much importance uh at any age actually it's nothing to do with age. It's to do with feelings. Feelings are important. As simple as that.

48:50 Okay. Okay. So what what were you saying the first part? I see you are angry. Something like that. >> I see you're feeling angry. >> Okay. I see you are angry. I see you are feeling angry. Okay. Uh the second one is situation is not obliging and maybe the child is bored. Feeling bored. That's why he or she is not obliging. Suana had shared this. So uh go ahead. What what would you say? Try everybody. Try that. Even if you're not saying it on the mic, say it in your mind. This is what I can say. Again, we're not trying to practice here. We're just trying to see how we can connect with the feelings. That is if you want to give importance to the feeling. That decision is yours. I'm not forcing any decision.

49:32 I'm just giving you an option. There are two options. My feelings, child's feelings. Which one do I want to give importance to? >> Ratn your comments invited. If we say that by by hurting me, you won't be changing your feelings. You're still under street lamp Mr. Look you are giving all the logic by doing this this will not happen you will not achieve anything all of that is logic logic >> so so the invitation is let's invitation is to let's understand this whole concept of feeling we claim as humans that we understand feelings but the reality is that we don't give any attention to feelings or we don't even recognize that every situation brings some feelings right now like for example each one of you going through some feeling while you're listening to me Yes. Yes. Absolutely.

50:25 >> And are you okay with that feeling? Maybe some of you confused or maybe frustrated that what we talking but it's all going above your head >> and not just in this yesterday last session and the first session you must be going through a lot of feelings. So that's fine. >> Uh Romesh >> hello. >> Yeah for for for a minute let's just do few. Okay. We'll discuss it. We can always discuss it. I would suggest please don't discuss anything today for today. For today I would request suggest just focus on feelings try it out.

51:01 Yeah feelings is a different vocabulary different language. If you have not been using it let's try it out and see what happen and then if you want we'll have a special session if you need a discussion if you need a discussion later on. But right now let's just see what happens with these feelings. What are these? You know what? What we what where we we'll talk about all of those. So, let's do a few more. If you if you're okay, Melvin, let's try first.

51:31 Let's do something. Let's explore this before we go on trying to intellectually, you know, analyze it. I'm saying stop analyzing. You're under the street lamp. We are not today under the street lamp. We are groping in the dark. Feelings come from all over. Half the time I don't know why my feelings came up, right? Oh, I'M FEELING THIS. WHY AM I feeling this? You know, so let's let's let them beat the dark. Let's just connect with them.

52:02 Let's try. Let's try. Okay, second one. Not obliging. Maybe guesses that the child is feeling bored. What would you like to say? Somebody please come on. >> Are you feeling Are you feeling bored? >> Uh are you asking a question? H okay. Typically questions are more problematic because now it becomes I have to justify my feelings. If you are angry I will should I say >> especially especially we we we give a message to ourselves and to our children that being angry is not a good feeling.

52:35 It's not a good thing to get angry. It's not good to get sad. >> Okay. I'll say uh I know I know you are bored and let's play uh a game an interesting game. >> Yeah, but why do you want to distract her >> by that go interesting game? Who should distract her? who should take care of the emotion >> or the behavior >> or rather who do you want >> the kid himself >> should get out of that uh you know situation >> so so I'm saying let's not be in a hurry again to solve it >> to fix it feelings don't need to be fixed feelings need to be >> identified and acknowledged So maybe okay you look bored okay let's >> that's a question why why can I not ask that you know are you feeling angry >> because it becomes interrogation kind of a thing I need to justify okay are you feeling angry oh god now I have to you know it it's like an interrogation by just >> any I am feeling something on top of that I am being asked a question now I need to figure out what answer should I say should I say politically correct answer should I say something which pleases mama or I'm going to get something you know what I mean so it works though because I it works with me and my son though because in my intention my intention is to place the agency of his feeling onto him not assume >> come to the agency but before agency I want to place the urgency of the feeling I have to say that is important Your feeling dear is important and acknowledged. We can we come to agency.

54:31 We'll come to agency. Don't worry. Second half we will come to the agency also. >> Yeah. Again if if questions work for you. Fair enough. So I'm okay. I'm okay. We can write okay uh that are you feeling bored? Fair enough. If it works for you again I'm I'm not coming from a particular way of doing it. Use your language your style. What works between you and your child is totally up to you. I cannot say that this will work or that will work. So in a way I take my statement back. It may appear interrogating but if it does not and if it works well with your child please use it. So >> I want to share >> but at least it's totally up to you.

55:08 Wait wait wait wait I want to run through few more uh let's say >> I want to share that when I ask questions now like this with my children that I are you feeling angry so they say please don't do the feeling game with me. >> Yeah. Yes. Yes, why not? Okay. A child is throwing toys in anger. Uh the feeling given by the parent was overwhelmed. So what overwhelmed or powerless? Okay. Um what would we like to say to the child?

55:46 Child is THROWING TOYS HERE AND THERE. What are we going to say? What do we want to Who has the time for feelings? >> Yes, >> it's an urgency. >> I see you are feeling upset. >> Yeah, I see you are feeling upset. Yeah, >> I can see you want to uh remove your anger. Instead of throwing toys, can you hit this pillow and remove your anger?

56:17 >> Yeah. Again, we are coming with a solution to a perceived problem. The problem is only perceived by you, not by the child. The one who is throwing the toy for him throwing the toy isn't a it's just at at 57 when I'm throwing my voice around, shouting at people, I don't see that as a problem. And when I'm angry and I'm shouting, do I see that a problem? No, I don't. At that moment, I don't see it as a problem. So, you are seeing your problem and you are trying to solve your problem. Okay? If if some if the child were to turn around mom you want you are seeing this as a problem solve your problem yourself don't ask me to >> I want to add something so so if we are saying the child's feelings are important we are also putting aster to it that feeling has to be politically corrected then it's important if it is angry feeling it's a sad feeling it's not important >> yeah we we'll come to that also okay Shadma saying I don't know I'm lack of words mostly I am unable to connect yeah Shadma Yeah. So this is this is totally uh you know new new vocabulary. We are totally in the pink zone. We have just started becoming conscious of the child's feeling. So but it's actually very easy if you're seeing the moment all of you have identified the child's feeling. You know a child is let's say unhappy some one or two of you have said can't say but most of them uh you are able to if I drag the screen down. Yeah, so many of you have shared unex annoyed, anger, irritated, feeling unner, overwhelmed, disturbed. So if we can guess in our language, whichever is your language, you can use whichever word you want to use.

57:56 Or you can just simply say you're not feeling okay. If you can't figure out what is the feeling, you're not feeling okay or you are feeling something. You can even leave it as vague as that. Hey, you are feeling something. If I can't think of a vocabulary for that word, that is obviously if you want to give importance. Let me show you a little cute little Okay, let me switch from here and show you a a cute little video just to see how you know when when now we look from a third person perspective.

58:27 How does it work? Let's let's see this. Uh I'm very glad I found this video on internet uh on YouTube. So, >> okay. Just give me a moment. Yeah. >> Thank you. >> Oh, I think that's the live cat. Maybe >> come here so I can do your hair so you can go to school right now. Get over here.

59:01 >> You need to share the screen. Sorry, >> we're not able to see the video. >> Oh, share. >> Oh, the share went up. >> Okay. >> Volume, >> right? Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. >> Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. It got unshared when I was trying to Okay. Pull it down there. Do I Okay. I hope you can see the video now. I'll pull Put it a little back. Okay.

59:42 >> Come here so I can do your hair so you can go to school right now. Get over here. >> I don't want to go to school. >> I don't care what you want. You're going now. Come here. >> Jade, why don't you want to go to school? >> Cuz I don't like going to school. You can't go to Cory's big school if you don't go to this school. >> You want to ride the bus with Corey next school?

60:09 >> No. >> Yes, you do. >> No. >> You're going to stay home all your life and be a dummy. >> Is that what you want? >> No. >> Well, you got to go to school, so let's do it. >> I don't want to go to school. >> Come here. Let me wash comb your hair. >> You don't want You don't want You don't want an education? >> No. What do you want to do? >> Go home.

60:34 >> You can't go home. Mommy's not there. Mommy went to school and now she's going to work. She went to school to get a nice job to send you to school. So, get over here. >> No. >> So, you see what happens when we are under the street lamp. Obviously, the video is goes on and on and on. When we are under the street lamp and the child is somewhere else, that is what happens. that too with such a young child everybody's so we have to ladies and gentlemen we have to decide what do we want do we want to give importance to somebody's feeling the child's feeling or we don't want now as I said to give importance is not at all difficult you might just have to say it back to the child or just be there silently as somebody said or maybe just try whatever words work for you it doesn't matter what works for you. When you have the child's when you're holding the child's feeling with value in your hands, it doesn't matter what language, what words, what you use. What really matters is what is your focus. You focus on the behavior or on the feelings.

62:00 Yeah, let me shut one question. >> Yeah. >> How do we fix ourself? >> What do you mean by that? >> I mean what we want is clear with us. We want child recognize child's feeling, be with him. But while doing that sometimes I'm so helpless like I'm not able to give put my attention all the time there in the sense that I get agitated >> I get upset >> absolutely I I'm challenging you I don't think we want that to give importance to the child's feel I don't think we have thought this through the moment you start saying I want to give importance to the child feeling I want to give. You print t-shirts, you print a wallpaper all around your house that I want to give importance to the child's feeling.

63:00 You will start doing it. It's not something tricky, complicated, nothing. We all have feelings. We want our feelings to be acknowledged in the same way the child needs his feeling or wants his feeling or her feelings to be acknowledged. This is no rocket science. We experience it as when we are feeling something when with our spouse or with our parents or in-laws or neighbors or bosses or subordinates or whoever right then if we experience this then we can do it with our children. We just have to ask this question using >> what do I want?

63:39 we have to take this call and so what if let us say in the morning some incident happened and instead of acknowledging your feeling child's feeling your dad you gave a big lecture maybe I gave one fat attack also right and the feeling became double worse like Calvin let's say that happened in the morning let's say now in the afternoon you are sitting a yo why didn't I give importance to the child feeling nothing is lost go back to the child in the evening say in the morning when that that that happened.

64:09 You were feeling let's say uh terrible or you were feeling upset and I did not acknowledge your feeling. I want to acknowledge it now. 6 hours later, 6 days later, 6 years later probably we can acknowledge anybody's feeling as many years later. We can give importance to their feelings at any point of time. >> It doesn't matter. >> And we can connect the moment. Yeah. And we can connect at that time.

64:40 The timeline doesn't matter. What matters is who are we giving importance to ourselves which is my feeling or the child or the child's feeling. So it doesn't have to be like everything super aware person. No no no not at all. Let let me let me take this a little ahead and then maybe it will start making maybe a little more sense. Let's say let's say at this moment just like it happened with Amita the child is coming crying inside the room. Okay. Uh let's say a your child or any child is coming crying inside the room. What is the first desire inside us?

65:34 What's the point? Don't cry. The >> child should uh stop crying >> to pacify him. >> Solve it. >> Why? Why? Why do we want the child to not cry, stop crying? Is crying wrong, bad, horrible? Is it to be immediately defaced from the whole human society or is it something part of >> I think there are some belief which are playing behind this >> I'll tell you a little story okay this is a little personal story but a very little story okay I was driving >> I was driving in the car with my daughter my daughter at that time must have been's mic is uh >> okay so I was driving in the car with my daughter who was would have been about 5 years or so at that time. She was sitting next to me. I was driving the car and behind me one one car came which which gave a horn like this you know I SAID THIS YOU KNOW THESE BANGALORE TAXI DRIVERS they don't know any sense of road or whatever what kind of horns do they put okay my daughter just giggled okay but I said I will not let this guy go ahead of me so I block his way and let this guy behind me is you're extremely annoying irritating isn't it? Okay, I got even more angry. I said these guys you know da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. So this went on for some time. Okay. My anger, irritation, frustration, all allations going here and there. And my daughter after some time asked me papa why are you angry?

67:20 And I SAID BETA YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOU KNOW THESE ARE BLAH blah blah. I gave her a full logic for why I was angry. She said yes papa but why are you angry? And that was like a slap on my face. And then I realized yes why was I angry? Why was I angry? No reason. >> And why I was behaving like that was blocking his way. >> So what I what I realized the moment I realized Yeah. Whether I'm I'm choosing to be Yeah. And the moment I realized that this was my choice, I moved the car to one side. Let the titty to titty to go away. And there was space in the car.

68:14 Yeah. So what are we what are we saying? What are we saying? We are saying yes there are feelings. Are the feelings first of all good, bad, right, wrong or are they just feelings are feelings? And we are choosing our beliefs and we can we can we can see what what this what this whole thing is all about. Okay. So we'll take a pause here. Okay. We'll take a small break. It's 99. Let's come back by let's say 9:15 and we go.

68:49 >> So how are we feeling? >> How are we feeling? We go a little more deeper. If you if you are ready to go deeper if you say no no don't go deeper we'll go back to the whole starting beginning can we acknowledge feelings can we accept feelings we can go back or we can go deeper but the idea is let's let's explore more feelings yeah so let's take a small break we'll come back in about 5 minutes by 9:15 or so and continue our discussion remember that titop Can you leave me?

76:34 >> Hi. So let's let's continue where we left. So we were talking about identifying and acknowledging child's feelings. I think in the same process we also let's do this to ourselves also. Right now I'm feeling angry and I don't think I can handle it. So both ways if we can connect with ourselves and we can connect with our child or whoever we are connecting to or conversing.

77:12 So what happens when we acknowledge to the feeling this and imagine if a child comes to you and crying that and narrates a situation this happened that happened And that's why I'm child normally children don't come and tell I'm crying because somebody has hurted me. Child will only say that child will narrate the situation this happened.

77:56 But this this act of child's crying does something to us and what it does to us. Let's let's spend some time on that and what it does to us when when we are also in that state. So imagine a child comes to you crying. What what what will you do or what what what will you like to do?

78:30 So you might say okay till now we were talking about acknowledging. We can even we can still acknowledge and identify that you're feeling sad or you're looking angry. Somebody has hurt you. But is that sufficient unless we question that what are we thinking about this crying and what do we want when the child is crying? I think these questions are important to understand the whole thing. So, so, so maybe we can also ask ourselves what is our our belief about crying or anger as I think some time back somebody was saying it's not good to be angry but but let's question ourselves why are we saying it's not good to be angry so what is our concern our concern is anger or our concern is behavior out of that anger So, so we we are so I just want to clarify that we are not acknowledging the behavior. We are not saying we are only acknowledging the feelings and we are we are understanding the whole situation and maybe giving pause to the child to understand the situation. What's happening? What am I doing out of my feeling? And when I'm angry, I'm throwing things or I'm hitting somebody or I'm screaming.

79:58 >> Yeah. What is interesting is that if we if our belief is that the feeling itself is wrong, you know, anger, >> then acknowledgement wouldn't even happen. My if I if I believe that the one shouldn't be angry or one shouldn't be sad or one shouldn't be feeling let's say nervous or one shouldn't be afraid of let's say ghost inside a dark room. So if I already have all of those beliefs uh then then how will I be acknowledging? I would be more with my belief.

80:28 >> Yeah. Instead of acknowledging I think we would like to correct that feeling at that time or change that feeling as someone was saying just like that some time back that play a game when you and to distract >> distract. So what what yeah go ahead please please. >> Uh the difficulty in acknowledging uh feelings is for me especially is when there are three generations together. So when my kid is being rude with my mom or dad at that time I would not have urged to acknowledge his feeling. Okay beta you are feeling rude or >> so kupa it's not that the child is feeling rude child is behaving rude but like we are thinking that the child yeah >> so it's not the feeling we out of some feeling child is saying something to your parents so the focus is still on the behavior focus is still not the feelings let's take an example not exactly your situation let's say two children are fighting yeah Maybe they are also dishon what what what do we do?

81:44 Let's say two children are fighting. Maybe we have two children as in two siblings or it's my child with fighting with another child or in general two children are fighting. Now what do we do in terms of feelings? Suppose they will just say that okay you seem to be upset with each other or something like on those lines >> right so in a way you are acknowledging both of them well if so if there are three people three generations then you can acknowledge all three why not Actually the thing is uh we haven't been through this such a you know kind of emotional regulation state. The parents you know will like they feel like like what is all this is actually happening like >> Yeah. Yeah.

82:49 And the kid is sometimes uh wanting us you know to be with him in a specific situation but our situation is like that. We can't just rush to him and we have to be with the you know parent. So >> yeah exactly that is why it's easier to actually acknowledge feelings because there you are not taking anybody's side. You are taking everybody's side. You are with everybody including your own feeling. You might be frustrated. Why am I stuck between mother and the grandchild or between two children or between a whole group of children?

83:25 >> I just want to invite you start let's start identifying and acknowledging our children's feeling. I think they will also connect with our feeling and then oh mama or papa you're feeling angry because I'm talking rudely to the grandparents. So they will also start connecting with us through our our feelings and then we will also start feeling we will start feeling understood by our children by our parents also. I don't know if it work it will work in every situation but I can say yeah it works >> at least try that. Yeah. Also wait before that I think uh it isn't about working actually if we are thinking about acknowledging somebody's or accepting or giving importance of somebody's feelings to make things work.

84:16 No no then we missed the whole point. Okay. The whole idea is not to make things work. The idea is first to actually value the other person because the other person is feeling something and that something is what the other person is in a state of. So we are trying to value connecting understanding the other person. >> We are acknowledging that state. >> Yeah. We are doing that not to solve something, not to fix something. This is not a trick or a technique to get what you want. If that is how it would have, it will never work. Empathy is about trying to connect with the other person, not fix the other person.

84:56 >> Correct. Yeah. Not to correct. >> Yeah. Not to correct, >> including not to correct the feelings. >> Yeah. Definitely not to correct the feelings from crying to happy or or dissatisfied to satisfied or disappointed to >> from angry. >> Feeling okay. Yeah. Angry to happy. >> Which is why I'm saying feelings is fundamental to us. They are within us. We are why are we questioning them? Why are we not acknowledging, accepting, giving them value?

85:27 And and the moment we give them, we are giving value to the human being who has feeling that feeling just like we would like to be valued when we are feeling some feeling. Which is why I'm saying this is the easiest session because we all go through this. It is not that we are devoid of feelings and we don't go through anger or upsetness or scare or anxiety or or whatever whatever fear or nervousness or excitement or overjoy or overwhelm and so on.

86:00 Wouldn't we want our feelings to be to be just just there? So what if so-called anger is supposed to be negative? Let the world say negative when I'm feeling it. I am that at that moment and I would like to be accepted the way I am at that moment. >> All the generations, >> all the even between both of us, >> all relationships, >> all relationships.

86:36 But in that situation uh where the child is not behaving properly with the adult in the house that is our parents uh I've sometimes tried to acknowledge the child's feeling like because I understand that he's going you know there is something that has happened that is why he's doing this so I've tried to acknowledge his feelings like I ask him okay what happened so >> what happened is not acknowledging my >> that's exactly what happened is you're back on to under the street lamp that's the logic that's the information and in fact when we get the information we get only upset with our own children. Oh you only did this I told you yesterday not to do this daddy gets upset over this.

87:14 See, see we get into that right. >> Supposing we are not able to identify the feeling of the child. Either they're angry or sad. We don't know what. >> Okay. Are you able to identify that the child is feeling something? >> Yeah. >> Can you acknowledge that that you are feeling something? That's a >> like for example in that example that child comes and say that uncle is so mean. >> Yeah. So, so what all we can do is at least we can start we can begin with somewhere somewhere starting you you're looking upset you're angry for something >> or you're feeling something as simple when you can't identify the feelings if you don't want to take a guess fair enough just find a way maybe just the base expression >> that I'm I'm I'm trying to understand your feeling itself gives a different message to the chat Are are you getting me? I'm saying as a child or even as an adult if I think you are trying to be with my feeling rather than with my behavior that itself is is a huge deal then I then I know you are with me.

88:24 We're talking about with me part two of with me. You are with me when you are with my feelings. When you are with your logic you are with yourself. this is not the way to behave. I told you so many times or whatever, whatever, whatever. And in some ways, it is also very empowering when I know my feelings are accepted. Then I can actually use my logic, my thinking to find my solutions.

88:55 whether I'm being bullied, whether I've just been uh you know treated badly or whether I'm just feeling whatever let's say scared about a ghost in the house, you know, a fictional ghost in the house or whatever I'm feeling. Now that my feeling has been kind of accepted, settled, now I can do something about what is going on.

89:25 Otherwise the feelings itself were rocking my boat. you know, how would I how would I navigate uh if if on top of that I'm being added to >> that's situation >> you want to take few more situations.

89:56 Okay. Uh there's some more situations and some feelings. Okay. Yeah. Go ahead. So these situations are first is two children are fighting over who will be the first one to paint. What can be the feeling of the children? VJ is sitting in the class and he's constantly making a tweaking sound with the rocking in the chair.

90:28 What can be the sorry? >> Okay, let's see. Let's take this situation. Maybe you can type in the chat window or you can say on my >> which one? >> Kiran. Kiran, everyone teases Kiran. She she doesn't want to play because of up stomach upset.

90:58 Aditya is crying because he has lost his pencil box. What he might be feeling let let's but I'm not talking about the situation. Let's at least connect with the feeling here. Let's identify what the child might be feeling. And these are very very common situation which our children goes through. And there is no panic here for us to react or respond to anything. It's just that a very pause space where we can just focus on the feeling that oh even in these situations there are feelings.

91:42 Any thought anybody has after seeing this slide there is a silence either we all are shocked or we are confused.

92:12 Yeah. So in a way I I I would say I acknowledge that uh this could be little let's say new in new in the sense of not like new new but yeah we are not really used to doing this you know in some ways even in empowering we're not really used to listening to their thinking their solutions their way of doing things in the same way we are possibly not used to listening to their feelings. Yeah, we are listening. We are listening to their behavior. We're not listening to their feelings.

92:45 Now, this is the invitation. So, so, so I'm saying Jagrati is all about exploring. So, let's explore. Let's explore what happens when we listen to their feelings. So, let's do that. Let's do that in the next few days and few months and few years and see what happens. I'm not even saying it has to be done in a perfect way or in one way or the other. The important point here is that that all feelings are fine. In fact, people call so-called negative feelings and positive feelings. But according to us, they're just feelings.

93:24 >> Feelings are feelings. >> Feelings are feelings. They're neither positive nor negative. They're just something coming inside us. And do we really need to change? Well, now if I've just bought an ice cream and the whole scoop falls down, well, disappointment is about to come in, right? It's it's it's so very uh you can say it's there. It's there for me to to just accept my my disappointment. In fact, if I am able to accept my own feelings as well as I am able to accept other person's feeling, you can actually move ahead. Somebody was asking what after that >> moving ahead. Yeah, the point is after that which is why I >> sorry >> yeah which is why I also wanted to bring that is that when we look at our own feelings uh which is the car incident that I was sharing is that was the was the taxi driver behind kindly irritating me or was I choosing to feel irritated?

94:47 Yeah. Am I responsible for my own feelings as a as an adult or I blame let's say the child for making me feel tired, irritated, frustrated in a way then I'm telling the child that I'm out of my control. Your feelings are your actions are controlling me, right? my feelings. Now the moment I say again you we can get into a discussion do can we really control our feelings? Can we not control our feelings? That's not the point. The point is the moment I say to myself that I am responsible for my feelings that itself does something to me. Whether theoretically I am responsible or not who cares. Just the very paradigm, just the very belief system that I at any point of time am responsible for my feelings.

95:42 But that can only come if you see these steps back that can only come when I have accepted all feelings of mine. Then only I can feel responsible towards my feelings. So I acknowledge, I give importance, I give acceptance and then I take responsibility. Now would you like in a way would you like the child to take responsibility of his feelings or her feelings and if yes then for that the precursor is first we need to accept acknowledge connect with those feelings then the child slowly slowly will start realizing ah I am responsible for feeling how I am feeling and I can change it whenever I If my feeling is only denied, then how will I change it?

96:37 Then I'm more bent on proving of my what is my feeling? >> Any thoughts? one one. >> Yeah. So the same.

97:09 So in a way what we are trying to bring it to is that we are not saying that stop the feeling. We are saying a question comes is that in anger if the child is throwing something and it's harmful for others then then what do we do so we are saying don't stop the feeling stop the behavior >> yeah okay that feel sorry yeah that slide I think okay yeah go ahead go ahead you talk about it I'll bring the slide >> so is if so so often what we do is we stop the feeling in in in in the process of stopping the behavior so we are no way saying that Don't do anything about that behavior.

97:51 I mean that behavior itself will it will get addressed the moment the child is connected with self and we are connected with the child. >> Yeah. Let's take a simple example. Let's say a child is hitting let's say me. Okay. So I can hold the child's hand or let's say the child is hitting her. So I can hold the child's hand but instead of saying don't hurt or not be hitting is not okay. I'm saying you look angry.

98:19 I'm holding the hand but I'm not talking about the behavior. I'm stopping the behavior which could be hurtful which could be you know hurtful to let's say to her or to the child himself. The child is hurting himself or herself. So it's not like the beh especially if the behavior is such that it is it is causing trouble. We can stop the behavior but we don't focus on behavior. We still focus on the feelings because the moment the feelings are taken care you know it's like it's like the I'm angry and somebody says she looks so angry and then it's like suddenly aha oh yes I'm angry you know the moment I say that oh yes I'm angry my anger only my anger only >> and the beauty is it's not that only we are connecting with the child child is also connecting with the self that yes I'm feeling angry angry and when I'm angry I'm I need to understand myself.

99:18 >> Yeah. Let's pause some thoughts, questions. >> I have something to share. Um so I do this sometimes as a practice where I acknowledge the child's feeling. >> I noticed that my son struggles with the uh anger. So I I what happens is that when when I say that oh I see you're feeling angry. So I see the whole somatic experience of anger happen in him right and I noticed that the capacity is maybe you know developing of course through those triggers but it's very also disconcerting for me to uh it it pull it pulls me almost that oh my god how do I help him process this?

100:02 So uh to just pause in that moment for me is such a challenge to simply witness his maybe let's say struggle also in that moment with the anger that uh it's almost like his body wants to hit. He wants to hit but he's also aware he's old enough to understand that hitting is not okay. So I notice that with him a lot. >> But does he understand? Does he know that it's okay to get angry? >> Yeah. Yeah. He knows but if in anger if I'm hurting somebody that is unacceptable >> correct these two realities he's aware of >> but uh I do notice that you know like I notice his struggle also there I know he wants to hit and he's holding himself back and you know he's gritting his teeth and I can see it his nose nostrils are flaring up and uh it is challenging for me in that moment also so challenging when >> making it challenging >> sorry >> which belief of yours is making it challenging for you >> yeah so I'm wondering whether it's my fear that when he does this in public because I have grown up with a lot of conditioning of good and bad again right the irritating labels that we put on emotions and it bugs me personally it bugs me but then when I when I I'm fearful that oh god if he's in public I know people are going to judge him like I know that >> what if people are going to judge him.

101:31 So again what are your beliefs about judging people judging? So what I'm trying to say is we we need to go back and dig ourselves >> right. What is what is causing all of these things the feeling that you are feeling when he's in your words struggling with his anger. >> Okay. >> Uh we need to go back and say hey what are my beliefs about all of that >> and work with the belief. So the the so to say the chapter one or the session one is the base.

102:03 >> We have to every time go back to our beliefs and see what beliefs I have formed which is unnecessarily making me get all worked up >> or being able to to be with him rather be with again my emotions at that moment. >> Right. >> Even the belief about the struggles. >> Yeah. In fact started you said he's struggling with anger. What do you mean by that? Why is he with Have you seen anybody struggling with happiness?

102:32 Why do you use the word? He's struggling with happiness. Why do the word for anger? Is anger so bad? >> He's he's holding himself. >> Wait, is anger so bad? We're not talking about him right now. >> No judgment for anger. I myself am an angry woman when I get angry. >> Wait, wait, wait, wait. So, think about it. Think about it. >> Let's all think about it. The anger comes from inside us. >> Yes. >> Okay. Is it bad for us or is it good for us?

103:03 >> Everything that I I feel it. Everything that comes from within us is has to be good for us. It's >> in a way of some use for us. >> Yes. 100%. >> 100%. So let's welcome the anger saying this is of use to me. M >> so >> yeah what I'm trying to say is I want to bring back that means our beliefs about those labels or judgment >> some we have formed some strong belief about all these concepts and we want to save our children from that but the question is why do we want to do that >> yeah more about that in the next session in the next session we'll talk more about it but I want you What I want to bring in this very very different way of looking at uh feelings I I want you to ask this questions. Why are these feelings in me? Anger, nervousness, hatred, fear, so-called negative emotions which you're saying we are struggling with. Nobody's saying we're struggling with happiness. So we are saying we struggling with anger. Let's say why are these feelings there?

104:19 There must be some reason some purpose that these feelings are designed in us. Okay. So if you allow me few two minutes I will walk you through my way of our way of looking at it. Okay. Our way of looking at it is let me take an analogy. Let's say you're driving a car and you see a signboard saying slow down. Yeah. Just a sign board, right? What is the sign board telling you to slow down?

104:46 Maybe because there's a curb, maybe there's a traffic, maybe the road is bad. I don't know what is the reason, but there's a sign saying slow down. Now, it's up to us whether we want to slow down, listen to the signboard, or we can continue at our speed, isn't it? Right? But the signboard is there. And the signboard has a purpose. What is the signboard's purpose? Somewhere to help us, isn't it? Now let's look at whether the feelings that are coming to us all the kinds all kinds of feelings are there as a sign board as a little signal as a little notification which pops up you got a message right and what is that notification telling us are we even trying to listen to it are we saying hey I have a feeling like you said this this when the child is struggling with anger you get a feeling what is that feeling telling you or you are anxious about your child.

105:43 What is that feeling telling you? Are we listening to that feeling? Are we saying this feeling is there with some purpose? It has to have a usage. It has to have a reason to be there. And if I can listen to my feelings, then I can listen to its purpose. Then the same feeling can become purposeful for me. Then suddenly all the feelings whether it's nervousness, anger, anxiety, happiness, intimacy, okay, sweetness, cuteness, whatever feeling you are feeling, everything becomes useful.

106:23 How would that belief be that all my feelings are useful because they come from within me? Now the the obviously the job of finding what is the indication they are giving is up to us and whether we want to listen to that indication that usefulness that purposefulness just like this sign was it's up to us and in some way in some way slowly slowly even the children can understand or start at least exploring because when we start exploring what Why they are getting a feeling? Why they are feeling disturbed at a certain thing? Why they are feeling angry with certain things?

107:10 What is it? What is this anger telling them? What is this anxiety telling them? Why why are they feeling nervous before let's say >> a presentation or whatever it is or an exam or whatever it is. >> Yeah. So the idea is they are according to us full of use. Yeah, we need to recognize them. I'm not not saying we have to sit and analyze every feeling. We go through some thousand feelings in a day. But the one that matters to us, the one that is important to us if you want. We can we cannot analyze it but try to read it, try to listen to it >> and use that to connect with ourselves.

107:58 >> And use that to connect with ourselves. So again I I'm I'm I'm almost putting it like a like a track. We start with identifying ours and children's feeling, acknowledging them, giving them importance, valuing them, accepting them, feeling responsible about them. Only when I feel responsible about my feeling, then I can start working on them. Why are they there? Since they are with me, I'm responsible for it. must be having a purpose. So then we have traveled the whole spectrum and then vila all the feelings are amazing >> and it's and all feelings are okay >> and all feelings are okay and all feelings are a window into myself.

108:51 I may not be able to understand the child's feelings because that's that's all happening inside him. But I can then invite the child to understand his feelings while I understand my feelings. You see, we might be at power with on this game. What do you say? I'm not saying what you say only about this use part. the whole thing, the whole track I think I mean when we're discussing acknowledging and then connection and you know when so if you relate that way what I'm I'm I'm just in my head what I'm thinking is without that connection there's no possibility of being with child so I mean even though we we think that we are there But we are almost operating you know for them because we are still selfish about our feelings and we are still operating from that. There's no point there's no way in which you know unless you take a ownership and control of your own feelings whether whatever you are feeling and and then responding accordingly whether so I think it's I mean yeah know technically or otherwise not possible to uh be for the other side >> or the other way around. D maybe it just works the other way around. Maybe I start with the acknowledging the other person's feeling just like a game, just like a challenge, just like a language, right? And as I start acknowledging other person feeling, I start acknowledging my feelings. I start taking owners of my feelings. Then I start giving owners of their feelings to them. And then I start finding purpose of my feelings. And I start inviting them to search for purpose of their feelings. So it doesn't have to start in one place. It's not a linear track. It's a it's all gold m gold or whatever you know round and round it's not like one.

110:49 So anywhere you start we are not trying to say here or there. >> Yeah. >> And I think and then there is no need all the need to correct the behavior and all drops automatically. We don't have to struggle with that. In fact, suddenly the behavior becomes not even secondary, tertiary because we know the child once the once the child has an insight into himself through his or her feelings through an understanding that this is okay for me to feel will automatically drive the so-called change in behavior in his own way in his own change at his own age.

111:32 Just like we found our own our own you know his hooks all along the >> yeah I mean that's what usually happens like when like if we see the same analogy of you know a child crying and coming to the room so it's like and then so let's say there's one car of our emotion which is actually driving at a fast like you know what happened blah blah blah blah we want to get an other car is also coming at the same place eventually it's it's just bad there's nothing Yeah.

112:07 >> So here's a slide more talking about me. Here we are not talking about the child's feeling. But please realize that the child can also go through the same journey and it can start anywhere. It doesn't need to start only at the top. So as you were saying D first need to be responsible and in control. No, no, please don't control your feelings. If something is of use to me, do I need to control it? No. I need to invite it. I need to embrace it. I need to accept it rather than control.

112:44 So being responsible is not like that I have to control it. It's see I can control I should control only the wrong thing. But being responsible control in a sense I usually what happens is we put that on a child. You know I'm angry because you did this. So if you >> you are blaming somebody for a reason which of your own like it's not I mean that Yeah. >> Yeah. And and then soon it becomes part of us we don't even realize it.

113:23 >> Yeah. Sorry we can we uh >> yeah after this >> here. Yeah. Okay. So um let me let me first of all acknowledge one of the for us one of the one of the big uh learnings or or understanding has been from a person called Carl Rogers who's also called the father of therapy no counseling sorry father of counseling. And look at what he's saying. He's saying in my early professional years I was asking the question how can I treat or cure or change this person.

114:02 Now I would phrase the question in this way. How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth? Let me read that again. The second part, how can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth? And one of the how of providing that relationship is a relationship of respecting, accepting the feelings, >> connecting with self.

114:43 So the whole idea if you're thinking please don't take back thinking that okay suddenly I'll acknowledge feeling and all behaviors will make up because that but then we missed the whole point that's not the whole idea the whole idea is the child should grow in the way the child is deemed to grow if that is your idea then all we need is to provide that relationship of acknowledgement of acceptance of that space of just being theirs maybe silent ly with the child.

115:12 Let the child feel what the child is feeling. >> And we do >> And we do let us feel what we are feeling. In fact, when we allow the child to feel what they are feeling, then they automatically take responsibility of it.

115:43 Yeah, we can take one or two thoughts or questions. Still have couple of minutes and then an ending story. >> I am sitting with the thought of my relationship with my child is so reflective of my relationship with my inner child. Like I am just sitting with that feeling as I just reflect on my episodes of anger.

116:15 >> Sure. Sure. >> Thank you for the session. >> And let me tell you a good news. Your relationship with your child, if you spend time and energy on that can help you work with the relationship with your inner self. So it can be the other way around. >> Yes. The relationship with a child can be cathartic to your relationship with yourself. >> It need not be the other way. It can be either ways actually. >> Yeah. Yeah.

116:47 >> I mean that's what has happened to us. I can say for both of us that the more we work with children, the more we tried to tried to connect with them. I'm not even claiming we connect with them. Tried to connect with them, the more that help us connect with ourself. So in all humbleness we learn from them, we gain from them rather than we being like one some superhero from them. No no no no no they are the superheroes for us.

117:24 Okay like the ending story. Okay. Any last one more thought and then the ending story. Any very anything whatever thought is going on in your mind even you're saying you know what this is so difficult even that is fine absolutely whatever feeling you are feeling okay let's do this way let's not end this session with one person sharing whatever you are feeling right now just type that in the chat let's just take a minute to do that quickly >> you can ask GPT also >> whatever and even if you can't get a word say I'm feeling something that's also Okay, let's do that. Let's acknowledge our feelings at this moment right now.

118:10 Okay. P is saying confused. Is saying overwhelmed. >> Okay. Omega is feeling eager. Okay. Is feeling thankful.

118:47 Okay. And as you share hopeful guys, bring us a big thought. So bring a feeling feeling right now. If you're feeling d has been wondering, so is feeling skeptical. Interesting. Interesting. Please keep sharing while I quickly share the story. It's a very very small story. There was this you know priest who had called a little boy teenager to you know put the chairs for a for a you know for a function inside the church right? So this boy was putting the chairs and while he was putting the chairs he was whistling. He he liked whistling. So he was whistling.

119:28 So this priest kind of didn't really approve of you know whistling in the church kind of a thing. So he kind of he was getting slowly slowly irritated irritated irritated and then at one point in time got so annoyed he snapped at the child you know stop whistling. Okay why are you whistling? So and the child turns to the priest and says sir uh this is a gift of God. And in that one statement the priest melted you know. Oh god. He said, "Sorry sir. Sorry son. You know I I I I'm yeah I got angry with you. I'm ashamed of myself."

120:02 >> So the child says, "But dear sir, being ashamed and angry is also a gift of God. >> Thank you. Good night. >> Thank you. Good night. Thank you. >> Sleep tight. Thank you so much. >> Good night. >> Thank you. >> Thanks a lot. >> Good night. >> Good night. >> Thank you. Good night.

120:38 >> Thank you. Good night.