Shifting the Parenting Paradigm: From Controlling to Connecting

0:00 hello I am sorry and having few technical difficulties here but I think think we're okay now um hi I'm Cristin bulk and I am a hand-in-hand instructor I'm a therapist in Denver Colorado I have two children two teenage children and who have used Hanahan with for many many years and I'm really happy to be here today um please

0:32 I'm just gonna ask you to welcome let me know where you are from and say hello so let me know yeah let me know where you're from and say hello I'd love to know who's here because I love this topic name of what we're talking about today please let me know if you can hear me so if you can somebody can send me a little yes that

1:03 you can hear me that will help me to know that this is working so you're not just trying to read my lips um and so we're talking today about from controlling type of parenting to a connecting of parenting and this is a big huge paradigm shift that I'm really excited about this this topic so the first question I would really like to ask you is what if you are to look ahead to when your children would be will be

1:32 thirty years old for example what who do you want them to be like what attributes do you want them to have so feel free to write some answers in here I will also give you you know my thoughts on that like when my kids are thirty I want them to be kind I want them to be generous I want them to be hard-working I want them to be have healthy relationships I Thank You Alice for letting me know you can

2:02 hear yeah and again let me know what you would like your kids to be like when they're 30 so heart compassionate committed to their families I want them to have joy right I want my kids to be able to be playful to laugh easily to handle stress know how to handle stress in their lives it just seems like our lives keep getting more and more hi Pippa thanks for joining our lives can

2:33 be so stressful so how do they handle that so yeah anything else that you can think of that you would like for your children when they become adults whether you want their lives to be like um keep adding any of that so a very kind human being thank us key ash AK she sorry about that I appreciate your input on that and yeah being kind it's something important to many of us so here I want to determine

3:04 Alice thank you for sharing that yeah determination is an important one like there's so many things that are going to knock it down over and over again and to have determination to like you know and I think that's tied in with resilience to be able to get back up and do more and be who you are and be true to yourself right so those are great ideas thank you and so I want to look at can the

3:35 perspective of controlling our children and controlling their behavior can that get us there or does connecting with our children help get our children to these attributes that we want so and Pippa says to kids to be empathetic successful in their choices I love that one flexible in a crisis of stress trustworthy and good fun to be around those are us are great those are great

4:06 attributes to have so thank you for sharing that so yes we've got controlling and we've got connecting and they're trying to see where my two hands are and how to get there so so really the things that we want the what I'm going to be talking a lot about today the things that we want for our kids we can get there by connecting with them um there are certain aspects however in the realm of control and I'm gonna start

4:38 defining what control means and what it is that are actually kind of couple and that we also want to implement so it's not necessarily black or white if anything's in life right and so but what we do know too is that developing these attributes can be undermining the undermined with excessive control and so that's something very important here to talk about so some control is really absolutely necessary and so for us as

5:08 adults to like we need to be you know have somewhat of control over our lives that we can't control everything but we need to have a plan and we need to have purpose we need to know where we're going in life we need to know what we're doing every day same thing with our families like what values do we want to implement in our family what values do we want to focus on in our family and

5:30 share and how do we want to be in the world as a family like that's an aspect of control it's thinking about how we want to do things and that's very important and that's an important thing to have you the two it's also important to have developmentally appropriate expectations for our kids that are given with warmth too so kids don't always understand the expectation it can be different in one setting than they are in another like school is different than

5:59 home which is different than the mall which is different than the grocery store and so which is different than the park it's so learning what these expectations are is part of a developmental process that children have and and but for us as the parent thinking about what's appropriate so am I going to expect my three-year-old to sit for two hours in a concert um that's you know that's full of string instruments and a symphony orchestra will be really hard that is not a

6:31 developmentally appropriate expectation or am I going to expect my child to not play in the mud after it rained when I told them to go outside and I get mad at them for being dirty when they came back in that's really not a developmentally appropriate expectation so expectations are good they become controlling when they're not in terms of how we enforce them which we'll talk about in a moment and if they're not developmentally appropriate and so

7:01 control really becomes a problem when we have this long set of rules that we continually enforce and we are expecting abeyance without any question they don't understand I just didn't do it and we also have these high standards of behavior that are not really appropriate for the child you keep our you know control is also excessive when we keep our kids on a short leash and we also

7:33 demand obedience from them and this behavior is not tolerated and often the only choice in this scenario is what is to use harshness and punishment in order to enforce could be what we consider good behaviors or appropriate behaviors so we're constantly harping on our kids about the rules and we're expecting complete compliance with the rules these are the times when control gets to be a

8:03 problem and really control is really like a belief system that we have as an adult where we expect like our judgment movies our judgment is what has to control the world and and and is what's appropriate here and we use our power over our children to enforce our judgment so no you can't do this no you can't play with your toys right now because it's time to eat dinner well that might be appropriate but how you

8:33 set that how you set that limit is is the difference between control and using connection and will actually get in to limit setting here at a moment but so and this is a problem in terms of this our judgment has to rain because we need to give our kids the opportunity to practice their judgment like judgment is an is a function of brain development that happens in the prefrontal cortex it's a higher level of thinking and we

9:05 need to give kids the opportunity to develop judgment and if we're always enforcing our judgment over our children that makes it hard to do that make that's it's hard for them to develop that themselves then and so we need to give them that practice and also when we're focused on our judgment over theirs we're making this assumption that they're not good enough or they're not smart enough children's sense that they can tell that we're doing them and a lot

9:34 of this is habit I think more than anything and we'll talk about where it comes from but um but I think it's important to recognize that we're all trying our best as parents and and I think it's important look for us to look at what our habits are right and you know do any of you out there have some habits of control um you know let me know put a thumbs up there or I guess like um I know I do

9:58 I'm still working on where I'm using control with my kids too much where I go over the line for example so because um it's not when you were really controlling we're not letting our children's goodness show what right we're not letting um we're not assuming it's like we're assuming then their good judgment doesn't exist or that they are not good people and so that we're we're sort of like they're going to make bad decisions and we need to actually let our kids make

10:30 mistakes and support them through that so so aspects of control that we do want to support in families is to have expectations it's good to have expectations for our children it's good to have a plan for the family you know and I you know think about it love you to take a moment to think about a good leader a good mentor that you had in your life and how they supported you typically that mentor that leader that

11:03 person who inspired you had expectations of you but they didn't control you right they didn't say you know you have to behave this way they might have helped you with a plan but they didn't say it has to look like this like that's for you to figure out and that's the goal we take as parents as well and so um so so I'm really kind of shifting it here into this idea around leadership rather than control his leadership is very different

11:34 from control leadership has more to do with people wanting to follow you right like um curl control is demanding requiring your children to follow you your family to follow you and it's in actual truth when we focus on leadership we focus on connecting children naturally follow us they actually eventually a survival instinct to follow us it's a survival instinct to actually cooperate with us

12:06 because children are dependent on us and we're like the center of their universe and so it's in their best interest it's in their best interest of survival of doing well in this world to follow us and so when we give them the connection they need they can do that and they can they do it naturally and they do it beautifully so this is where we're trying to go with this more as a leadership idea and they also can tell

12:38 like children can tell when we're like worthy of being followed when we're providing connection when we're providing safety for them like emotional safety for them and so this idea around family leadership really involves more about building trust in their relationship I'm putting the relationship at a really high standard like it's important and any breaks in the relationship are repaired and the relationship actually

13:11 comes before behavior we'll get into that a little bit more here in a moment to safety emotional safety is provided the leader has clarity the leader has in sight the leader is able to tune in to other people the leader is able to tune in to our children and understand our children's needs and they can read their signals and this is so important not only because it feels good to be tuned in to feels good too you know that

13:41 we think that people understand us but for children specifically who are dependent on a caring adult to help get them through the world to help them with their brain development for example and they it's also survival mechanism in terms of they they want they're looking for they're reaching out in a nonverbal way like their brain it's the limbic brain which we'll talk more about in a moment but their limbic brain is

14:12 reaching out to the people around them asking the question can you tune in to me so that I know I'm gonna be ok so it's not just this feel-good thing it's actually something that we need for survival and just to thrive in this world and they need to know that we we are available to connect with them so also in terms of leadership levity and laughter are you know key features of

14:45 leadership to like not taking ourselves too seriously having fun like not letting the stresses of life weigh us down carry on her back off atony and setting limits setting limits is an absolute important piece you know of connection as well that doesn't it's very it's different from control but it is definitely a piece of relationship of connection and supporting a child's

15:17 natural process they also just want to say like the family unit cuz when I see like people who focus on control what I often time to see is like they have this particular mentality that comes from like business were the military were another sort of hierarchical structure that requires things to get done and you know fast things to happen and the thing I want to

15:47 really say is that that a family is very different from a business family is very different from the military in you know in a business you're focusing on profit and there's all kinds of administrative stuff and sales and costs and expenses in a family certainly if I'm a financial piece but when you're looking at your children you're also looking at how do I help create neural development how do I help my child have good positive relationships how do I help my child use

16:20 Play to work through challenges it - how do I help my child be a good learner to take in information and remember things well like if so they're very different paradigms to work in and so if you're a controlling parent it's something to think about is what paradigm are you working in and what are the aspects of family that actually that can be can help us utilize some of the attributes

16:51 that help that family become successful so so what does connection mean then so we need to go through that as well so connection is really related to many things and how we think of connection connection regard we're getting hand-in-hand so connection has a lot to do with how you have a part of the brain it's called the limbic brains and the mammalian brain the middle brain that reaches out and connects with others and

17:23 our children their brains are developing you know up until the mid to late 20s and it develops in relationship with caring adults so children need limbic connection they need the adult reaching out for connection with warmth with positive body language with a sense of Treasury the child with a warm smile soft eyes and the openness

17:55 and with warmth that helps the child know that oh this person has my back I can count on this is what helps them feel safe giving that safety and I'm not always talking about safety has a book in the broad sense not just physical safety but emotional safety as well feeling safe in the world secure in the world because when that happens the brain lights up the brain says I'm gonna optimize I'm going to develop I'm gonna learn at my

18:24 best I'm going to be able to plan I'm going to be able to control my impulses at my age so three-year-old doesn't have great impulse control but I'm going to do my best controlling my impulses I'm gonna develop my judgment so a child is learning these things when they're in connection with us so this is a key piece of having connection with us so this is again where they can they can be

18:56 anchored by an adult and they can feel safe and they can think so oftentimes I like to just talk about thinking in general if the child is thinking well and so they can plan they could remember experiences they can learn they can work well well with others they can be flexible they can be enthusiastic and and have some control over their impulses so connection this kind of connection is easy when times are good when we're out on a picnic we're outside

19:28 playing in the playground and they were on the living-room floor or hanging out being silly and goofy or after the bath and we're you know kids are all wet and they're running around being silly um but things fall apart and it's a normal normal thing in life um why don't you give me a thumbs up if things have ever fallen apart in your house because yes they do happen and this is when we really start to think about control

19:55 right thank you we don't confident sink about what we're doing we're just doing them and this is when we either automatically go in control I would actually say and it's good to notice this about yourself that this is what you're doing and and our need to go into control is um well a couple things one I would say there's a cultural aspect of it yes Thank You Alice for being honest with me there's a cultural aspect of

20:24 that because in general and Western societies there is an aspect of control we like to control things it's just who we are it's how we've developed as a culture and it's important to notice that but then there's also the internal aspects of why we focus on control and I want to kind of go through some of these so one thing is that there we can have an anxiety around showing others or believing ourselves that our children

20:56 are good that our children can behave well that they can do well in society as a parent we're constantly feeling like we're being judged and that were you know have a magnifying glass on us at all times and so it makes us nervous that makes us anxious and so we can shift into control because oh my god my kids at the playground and he's taking his clothes off and you got to control

21:28 that situation is our thought typically there are there are you one thing I'm here to tell you is that there are alternatives to shifting into control another reason why we focus on control as a parent or go into control is that a lot of it has to do with our history too so maybe as a child we didn't feel safe we didn't feel emotionally safe maybe we didn't feel physically safe and we had to manage things we're gonna manage

21:59 ourselves honor him and so we created this default pattern of okay control is it like I got a I got a control everything in my little box my little world here to make it through to survive it's a really a survival skill it makes sense at the time just doesn't work so well as an adult when we're raising kids and so noticing these things is important but and then our own childhood experiences too can experiences uh if we were

22:32 excessively controlled by our own parents or other people around us can be one thing or if we had no control in our lives too so if we are an adult child of an alcoholic or someone who's abusive and we had to walk on eggshells all the time this can you know this can create for us this need for control so like what if our kids so a lot of that is chaotic right we had a chaotic childhood

23:04 and when our children are displaying chaos which kind of a typical thing for kids they're playing and they're loud and they make out a noise and they jump up and down and there move a lot they're very chaotic and so if you can feel the chaos in your body and it can be very uncomfortable and so we have this reaction to like I got to control all this I got to stop all this put your toys away you know go outside like these

23:32 are aspects of shifting into control or again if we were controlled in our lives um it's kind of the default pattern it's like it left an imprint on us and and so it's how we just relate to the world because that's how our neurobiology really develops and then also another area of what can shift us into control is just our discomfort of having feelings or our discomfort of others having feelings so yeah if our child is

24:05 having the tantrum we could be like oh god I can't handle this just go to your room get out of my way you know you figure it out not out here in front of me thank you all this discomfort can bring up anxiety you can bring up emotional pain and challenges for us and so we just wanted away from us and and and also you know the last but not least thing I was thinking about is

24:31 how we can be under-resourced right so if we are stressed if we are tired if we haven't been even well if if things are just challenging for us if we have some major life challenges happening if we have to go to the doctor in 30 minutes and our kids aren't dressed and no one is eaten that's a significant amount of stress we are under-resourced that can help but you know that can make us just shift into okay I'm going to control

25:02 everything rather than looking at connection and so the good news is that with all these things have to be talking about in terms of what shifts us into control hand in hand has ways to support a way to support us I'm called this the partnership for parents and and by working on the listview partnership you can actually work on these things you can you can change how much you shift into control you can change how you view

25:34 the world and change how you look at stress so so it's an amazing tool that we have for ourselves to support ourselves so I would love to know thumbs up if that sounds interesting to anybody to be able to change some of that stuff so so hi welcome yeah lots of things for making this so I can understand why I'm not yes thank you why I'm not I said my normal right now yeah normal as a heart

26:07 can be a hard thing and there is nothing wrong with you Tory nothing at all there's just hard things that have happened and you're getting triggered a lot and getting support for yourself is is an amazing gift you can give to yourself and that's one of things I absolutely love about hand and hands so let's go back and feel free you know if you want to post a question we don't have to wait till the end on questions

26:36 you can post a question now if you want so um I just want to talk again about how we want to control our children when we and if you just sorry I'm gonna back up again if you just joined us I am talking about moving from control to connection parenting and really like the why we would do that so we want to control our children well you know I talked to about the bigger picture we want for our kids when they're older but

27:08 we're also living in here and now right we are in the battlefield we are managing lots of chaos and lots of energy and lots of big feelings and um lots of needs all at once right and so we want to shift it to control when our children don't comply with us when they're defiant when they're disrespectful when they're when they're out of control is it does feel like that right when they hurt someone else and what happens

27:38 to us is they they tend to are we when that happens we tend to think that children are being manipulative we tend to think they're out to get us that they're making a life hard they're trying to be mean or conniving they've planned this whole thing and what neuroscience teaches us is that when children tantrum or their defiance or their you know out of control or disrespectful or they're hurting someone they're off track in some way they're

28:09 aggressive that what has happened is that connection was broken and their connections we talked about limbic connection earlier and their need to know that someone's looking out for them someone on their side someone warm and safe because they're dependent on us is there watching and so when connection breaks a feeling comes in so that feeling varies disappointment

28:40 frustration anger sadness despair sometimes the feeling comes first and that breaks connection and sometimes it's the other way around where we're connection breaks and then the feeling comes in and what happens then is that the limbic brain floods so that limbic brain is one of the functions is its assessing safety so thats related to looking out for people who are going to support them who are going to be on their side who are making sure that they're safe and so

29:12 it's assessing the environment and when the limbic brain gets these broken connection gets a signal that that gets flooded with feelings it sends out a signal to the prefrontal cortex to stop thinking no thinking or limit the thinking if we're not talking about dramatic situation so you know stop the thinking and um and when that's happening if you think about our need to control we've got this child with broken connection big feelings can't think and

29:45 if we go into control our child actually can't understand language at that point they can't learn they can't get the lesson we're trying to teach them and they can't learn from us control from us trying to control things so so we're actually like and in in many ways you know we're missing a huge opportunity as well to help that to help a child have a gain in emotional intelligence so in

30:17 that moment when connection is broken big feelings are there the limbic brain is flooded the child can't think you really can't expect a child to behave well we can't expect good behavior for them so um you know I'm just gonna throw out an example of like you know a child with a sippy cup who's kicking the sippy cup around the room but it's full of grape juice or cranberry juice or something that's horrifically there in the cup on the child's

30:46 disconnected flooded with feelings the alternatives so I also don't want to leave you with take away control but don't put anything there so the thing you want to put in place and there's actually many things to put in place in terms of connection but one thing that I think can relate while the people who rely a lot on control is city limits that before and so setting limits is really much more the key points here are you

31:13 set a warm limit so we're recognizing the child not bad we're just recognizing the child out of balance their brain isn't working well they're not able to think and they'll then be playing is flooded so I often times have official in my head I'd like my child's brain is going yeah and that kind of helps me know that who they are not gonna do well right now so so you know if a child's kicking their sippy cup around and a

31:40 juice is pouring out wrap you know control might look at yelling the child pushing the child grabbing things away right a warm limit really looks more like um you know sippy cup needs to be safe and we physically set the limit so we would actually like put our hands on the sippy cup or take our child depending on how wild the child might be on but we're not letting the key point is not letting the child kick just a because so I might

32:10 take put my hand on the child's leg actually and say we can't we can't kick the sippy cup and we don't let the child do that off-track behavior that they're out of balance well a key brain is causing them to do and what that does when we bring warmth with it we physically set the limit it allows the child to offload and have some big feelings around around being out of balance and whatever's causing them to

32:41 do the behavior of kicking their sippy cup around and it allows them to offload that so the tension because we have this natural process to regain equilibrium again and what that natural process is is about it's crying it's shaking it's having a tantrum it's sweating it's big movements actually those are the things that that our natural body and brain do to regain balance when the limbic after the limbic brain is going like that like

33:12 that and so when you can set that limit with more than the warmth peace is a pardon because that's what speaks about it talking off their tension I think if we gave and then they can help you clean up the room uber or whatever that looks like right like you can do stuff afterwards but supporting that's the natural process and that children have without breaking the relationship you actually create more trust in the relationship

33:42 because you were actually on the child's side the whole time you weren't yelling or de meeting the child or telling the child they're bad you're actually supporting the goodness of the child you're actually supporting their development and so you're keeping that as I said before that children brains develop in a relationship with caring adults you're helping their brain development because you're giving connection and warmth in a hard moment right and so this is one huge reason why

34:13 connection works and you know this over control doesn't so and you know if we move into control there's lots of things that can happen like it's we're missing an opportunity to develop emotional intelligence and we're breaking trust in the relationship the child might get isolated or it may trigger defenses it might also cause a child to focus on themselves because if they get defensive if we start yelling at the child they're gonna just get mad and yelled and

34:42 they're focusing on what a bad parent we are and just self-preservation and that's not good for development is it like that I think is pretty clear for most adults to kind of to kind of get that so and also I would just like to add to control we focus on control and we have these big reactions it can create fear experiences for children because there's so much smaller than we are we can be big and mean and scary and

35:14 hard on kids it can really create a fear experience for them when they're in confusion around they're supposed to be trusting us but yet they're afraid of us right so um and when we connect will be focused on connection the opposite happens so they the child so when we some connection like study limits and there's again there's lots of things you can do they can grow and their trust in us they can develop a greater sense of self like

35:47 they don't have to go through this breaking down of self and then we have to build them back up we didn't break anything in them by setting a limit like this um we helped them gain emotional intelligence as well and I also just want to say you know and I think it's clear but I want to be really explicit about it is that this is not a permissive style of parenting either so and again like the study limits is a big

36:16 big piece of hand in hand and so we're not saying free rein you know like we either control you or we let you just run free it's it's not that simple and as I said in the beginning there's actually the aspects of control that I like and but it's when we get excessive and when we're forcing obedience that things get more challenging and so so

36:46 what this also does it allows the relationship to be at the center of of the family to rather than forcing behaviors that hurt relationships so um so I want to just also talk about kind of in general some other things I've noticed about control in terms of working with clients like over time when we focus on control but I've definitely seen how it can deteriorate to deteriorate the relationship if we have

37:17 control is like our main parenting disciplined it creates over time organic disconnection in the relationship and it creates also a pattern of not being able to tune in to our child because if the if the child is doing something to the parents thinking oh my god he to the but you know I can't believe the child to do with my child is doing this I'm so embarrassed what in the world is happening now they're so bad and then

37:47 and the child that has no idea that parents thinking this but they know that the parent has disconnected from them and and so it actually though limits our ability as the parent to look underneath that behavior to not in it it stops us from becoming curious about what's underneath that behavior did connection break how did it break what's happening

38:18 what big feeling is my child having so the behavior is a signal to us that the child has broken connection it's the behavior is a signal to us that these periods are there and we may not see that if we're so focused on all the bad things our child is doing and the beautiful thing is that Han Han has all these tools that helps us to learn to do that well and ways of supporting ourselves too because you know and this

38:50 isn't like okay next week I'm done with control if we've been imprinted on you know control is the way that I was taught brought up as a child and it's my default for a variety of reasons it's something we work on for a long long time but you can actually make some significant shifts along the way so that your relationship drives so and I also want to say too that when a child is controlled it's you know as a

39:21 relationship of you that's controlling they really don't learn to rely and their inner compass weight or on their own inner judgment because the adult has put their judgment the adult has put their compass on top of the child so they haven't learned the neural pathways to do that themselves and that's really when we think about what we want for our children as they get older um you know these are things that we want for them right so successful in their choices

39:52 flexible in crisis of stressed our examples of that and also I want to put in there too that when we get disconnected um we can't think so why don't you you know raise your hand and give me a thumbs up if you ever feel get disconnected I would love to see that here like people being honest about that and truthfully you know me as a parent I feel disconnected at some point most innings I would even

40:24 say and so it's something we need to be realistic about and what happens when we feel disconnected I'm even talking about so feelings of disconnect and include things like feeling alone feeling like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders feeling just really isolated feeling overwhelmed feeling stressed how am I gonna do all this oh my god I can't believe this is happening to me those are examples of disconnection and so these things happen and when we feel

40:56 disconnected we're not showing or having our best thinking either and so having a system in place to help us when we're disconnected is vital is really important to be a good thinker and and showing family leadership as well as I talked about me beginning um and so dealing with all those stressors and the imbalances that we have in our lives is important but also just knowing that we're not gonna do it perfectly there's gonna be times when we shift

41:26 into control you know what that's okay you're still a good parent you're working at it that's the important piece it's just you're looking at it and good for you for doing them like that's a huge step in and of itself another piece of this is - is that a regular diet of connection when children are young can really be miraculous when they become teenagers and they're starting to turn to their peer groups for support and advice and their judgement right so

41:56 connection provides this amazing foundation of trusts right when they've had years and years of building trust building trust building trust noé and when we do that it actually affects a child's neurobiology affects the brain development it affects their neurobiology they feel it in their body and when they feel it in their body that connection is not so easily broken and it'll probably happen that's team just because it's normal and natural but you can flick it back easier and that's

42:27 what I'm seeing with parents who have had children of that are growing up with a diet of connection and it is sort of like provides as well in which the child can pull from when they're feeling isolated when they're feeling challenged they've got this well of connection as well of trust to pull from which is amazing and if we really tap into ourselves in terms of you know just thinking about what did we want as

42:59 children what didn't we want our childhood to to look like I think we can realize that connection is instinctual right like that and we actually know that because we know kids are hard-wired to connect their braids develop a relationship with caring adults but their brain has a drive to connect right and so when we think about that you know that that that's what we wanted is children - it feels good to us to have connection it

43:29 supports our own personal growth if we don't actually enjoy enforcing obedience we don't enjoy nagging we don't enjoy overreacting to our children we don't enjoy controlling them it eats away at us we don't feel like a good parents and so it isn't really how relationships are supposed to be it isn't when we visualize our relationship with our child when we went with our child was first born or when we were first pregnant you never said to ourselves

44:00 I can't wait to control this little kid that's not what we envisioned for ourselves so so we can actually build that relationship and have a lifetime of building that relationship and create more confidence in our parenting through that connection and enjoy it a whole lot more and children who are her grow up connected are confident they a good sense of self they relate well to others and they can stand up for themselves to like that's an important

44:30 piece for me I mean I want my kids to be able to stand up for themselves I didn't do that as a child I want my kids to do that in a healthy way and connection is helping them to do that which is amazing so if you I'm gonna also you know I love that there's been a number of parents here if you're interested in next steps and then I'm gonna do any questions you might have but if you're interested in

44:55 next steps um the the parent Club is an amazing program for people and I'm gonna put in a link here to to get to the parent club or to sign up for the parent club get it to work but um I'm gonna try that again so the parent club is a monthly membership that you can have there you go and it's a monthly membership oh I haven't been scrolling down so I'm sorry if you've been writing

45:26 stuff okay so there we go it's a monthly membership program that hidden hand has where you can get support from an amazing vibrant community where you can get coaching on demand for the most part you usually get an answer within a few hours to a parenting question you might have there's weekly question and answer calls with an instructor I do some of those you have monthly access to the founder Patti wiffler there's a monthly listening time call so

45:56 there's a huge list of benefits if you click on that link you can get access to these amazing benefits so if you have any questions I will stay on here for a little bit and answer any questions you might have about you know if you have challenges with control and there's nothing wrong with you if you do either just let me know if there's anything that you would like to talk about and you can always find me through hit and

46:25 hit as well or you could put your questions on the Facebook page too so thank you so much for joining me today and again my name is kristin Zusak and and I am a an active member in the handycam community and I'm a therapist in Denver Colorado and I'm so happy to be here thank you so much bye-bye