Are We The Perfect Family?

0:01 hello everyone welcome to a new episode of parenting and you with me Dr shaali you know I still remember when I first became a mother I had so many fantasies about how I would be and how my child would be I had designed every element from the set to the cast to writing the scripts for who would play in her life and I had literally coordinated it all

0:34 in my mind and then when reality came crashing in and my fantasies were not coming true that's when I would lose my mind the most it took me a few years to realize that it wasn't my child who was doing anything wrong it was just that the fantasy I had about her wasn't coming true it was just that the movie I had created in my mind wasn't working out she wasn't being the right actor

1:06 that I wanted her to be she wasn't following the script and that's when I went through one of my biggest spiritual epiphanies and I really think that that's where the birth of conscious parenting began when I realized that I was more about my fantasy than about who my child really was that that's when I realized wow shaali you are just missing the Mark you are forgetting to tune into

1:37 your child's Essence because you're so wrapped up in this dream in this fantasy of perfection in this episode you're going to hear two families who are grappling with their own fantasies of perfection I can't tell you how many adults I've met in my practice who Express how their childhoods were riddled with impossible ideals of perfectionism with these high standards of achievement that they felt they

2:10 simply couldn't match up to and these pressures from childhood have now led them as adults to feel a crippling sense of failure a crippling sense of unworthiness and that's exactly how my next guest ran f hi Ranch thank you for being here hi thank you for having me so tell us briefly what you're struggling with right now well I have grownup children

2:41 that have brought up 21 and 19 and I feel like I could have done better as a mom I I'm not sure of their Direction although they look like they know what they're doing for me I don't want to see them struggling in life and they've decided not to go to school or pursue higher education and just get into the work force and I feel like they're they can do so much I'm really proud of who they

3:13 are as people I just feel like they're selling themselves short and for me I feel like everything that I touch just doesn't work out so I hear from you that you're really worried and concerned that your children are not going to be successful yeah I I do I feel that they're you know maybe in a false illusion of what they really need to be doing in life and that maybe

3:46 I didn't support them to be able to see what they're capable of and they have big visions and I know for me my big Visions have fallen short and I kind of feel like maybe that's what's going to happen with them so you're feeling like it's your fault that they have gone off the traditional path that's right my daughter got into her universities with high honors and

4:18 scholarships and said I'm not doing that and it was very disappointing for me because of what everybody in my family is thinking she should go to school I is think she going to school I don't feel like being out in in family settings because the question is always what are they doing what are they up to and their kids are all doing what they're supposed to do and my kids are not so it sounds like you come from a family that puts a

4:46 lot of emphasis on College and getting a degree and checking off the checklist so talk a little bit about your family because I'm hearing that that pressure feels very real to you yeah I I feel a lot of our extended family has always been in the Forefront of our lives and there's always been this need to exceed and Excel by doing better and being the trophy of our family like we achieved

5:18 and we changed things around I didn't finish school I've dabbled in a lot of things um never really known what I wanted to do so I was always a troubled child and not ideal and um for ranch so that poor story of me just keeps following me around and now it's like when I hear people talk it's poor Maya and poor sea so you're seeing like a history repeating itself where the narrative you

5:49 indoctrinated from your childhood was that you were quote unquote the troubled one the poor range as you say the poor girl who could never get it right and now you're so afraid and anxious that your children will suffer the same emotional toil that you did that's right yeah so so I see that you are from an Indian background is that correct that's right we're punjabis and my parents are from India so what's making you

6:19 emotional I see that something struck a cord um I think it's just as we're talking that for me um story that I kind of have my kids have inherited they don't think they are but everybody looks at us like we are do you think you've lived out and manifested the story of poor ran and in what ways just things never working out a breakup of a marriage uh losing my

6:51 home um doing work that I don't like I feel like everything is not meant to work go because you're the troubled one yeah you have to live out that story and I think that's so common in so many of us when we receive that label in childhood you know you're the bad one or the good one or the troubled one like you did we almost begin to live that role we live up to that image that we were bestowed

7:23 with in childhood it's like our parents give us a role and a place and a script and then unconsciously we just begin enacting that role very well like Oscar level performance and you've just according to you seem to have lived out that role to a tea so let's go back to your childhood if you could talk about two or three main messages that you remember receiving from your mother what would those be must be perfect behave

7:57 and don't make any mistakes it was just like complete Perfection so I was always scared of messing up and I did I messed up but there was no room for that there was no room for mistakes and what if you did make a mistake what happened then abused being outcasted like I'm I'm a problem and messages from your father well if he was present um again you just

8:28 be someone who can make the family look good right cover up shame don't look at what's really there cover it up make others look good make others feel good yes so very early on ran received these messages that how she felt what she thought who she was was not good enough and she needed to hide behind a disguise of perfectionism and

9:00 the illusion of being okay even though perhaps you were crumbling from inside yeah so go back to range at the age of 5 7 10 12 what did little ran grow up believing about herself I didn't think there was fun when I was little but there was so much drama and it was always like trying to make everybody happy and ignore the traum so I had to be you

9:32 know the one that made people smile or the one that made people laugh like if Mom wasn't home it had to clean everything up or cut all the grass and do whatever like my whole life was hers I needed to make sure that she was happy so is it fair to say that you grew up with this sense that you belong to her you are hers yeah what is there a sense that in your childhood you were

10:01 her object to be used in whatever way she decided and you were a puppet for her to create into whoever she wanted that's right yeah I mean it was understood for me that if I cleaned up everything and I didn't walk on the carpet that was um vacuumed that um we had dusted everything and we cleaned everything everything was in its place that she could be okay so your goal was

10:34 to make mommy okay yeah so say more about that it was never enough like I remember cutting the whole lawn as a little girl and hoping Mom would come home and make it that would make her happy but as soon as she came in there was something that was missed something wasn't done something that I should have done and the whole lawn never got noticed it was just not done it wasn't when our parents who we survive on tell

11:06 us that they are not happy with us we don't think to ourselves oh mommy is too unreasonable we don't think to ourselves that you know what do we indoctrinate oh I'm not good enough because they must be perfect because they feed me they clothe me they bathe me so that emotional experience now is your real ity that you now put out into the world so you must unconsciously match that reality in your

11:36 outer World Experience that's what all of us do you know I always say we're not living a life we're living a pattern and we keep recreating that pattern of the same emotional experience and I want listeners to observe their own life patterns and how they are creating the same emotional experience over and over again so now you are right now in the

12:07 present moment range right now you are with your children you are with your job and you are with yourself and yet again even though your children appear okay and they seem happy you are recreating for yourself that same emotional experience that you have failed that you are not good enough that you are unworthy do you see how you're doing that again it's hard to see if I'm creting it or like where do I catch up

12:39 to this you know I see it and then it's like where's the turnaround Point At what point like do I need to start thinking different I know that like I'm not get in it I understand what you're really trying to ask is when will you get a break so that things can be so amazing on the outside so finally you feel good enough like for example if your daughter if only she had accepted those scholarships gone to a good

13:10 University and done well Ranch feels you feel that ah finally see now I got a little bit of those crumbs that I can grow into a cake and I can eat that cake of worthiness I can eat the cake of selfworth right so so you're waiting for something good on the outside so that then you can go ah but here's the real truth about self-growth it doesn't start

13:43 on the outside you have to find the beauty because you see the beauty truly it's not like you know what you're waiting for is that perfect life in some aspect I know you're not unrealistic but some something on the outside the rise the boss telling you you're amazing the medal the prize the star you're still waiting like you did as a child for that positive reward and because you your entire childhood was dependent on your

14:15 mommy loving you on your mommy praising you on her validation so you're still looking for that outside validation but here's the thing you have to begin giving to yourself you have to begin to see the fruits of your parenting of your mothering you have to see the beauty in your own self so that you can look at your son and your daughter and go ah I

14:46 see the spark of your abundance I see the joy in your in your step in your purpose I understand you that's what they are waiting for now you see see and now you are continuing the same pattern like your parents did with you you are rejecting them and their life choices in the same way though not to the same degree that your parents did to you you see your children are probably okay and

15:17 what you're saying is that no your conditioning says that they need to have to go to college to get a degree and earn a lot of money and look really good on the outside and then it won't be for so your conditioning now is battling with you but you see what you're doing you're doing the same thing in a way that your parents did because you didn't fit their ideal their match for their expectations now your children are not

15:47 living your ideal the match of your expectation you in your own way are refusing to see their Essence and you're only caught up with their external and you are rejecting them as well now here's what I want to show you it's the same voice that you hear when you look at your daughter isn't it it just changes to she is going to ruin everything she is not going to be good

16:17 enough she is not perfect she is a failure that makes sense as to why she gets rageful she'll tell me something she's really excited about and I will ask a question or maybe it's already the damage has been done so now that's where she hears me from yes I want to share what she's doing because she feels negative

16:48 feedback from me yes so do you see your own negative feedback to yourself is the voice that is ruling your mind that is running the ship that is uh in charge of your vibration so to speak your energy and that's what you put out into the world and that's how you color your experience with your children that voice is the voice that is ruining the

17:18 connection between yourself and your child because you're not seeing your child's Essence you're just running that tape oh my goodness she's not good enough she's going to be like me she's going to ruin her existence she's not going to graduate from college what will people say talk more say more what what did you get I'm reflecting I'm reflecting that back to her yes I if I could see that everything's okay and that I am good enough and that I am

17:50 able I am capable I I can do then I could see that in her too yes so do you see and I want all listeners to really realize this that our relationship with our self is our relationship with others no matter what you did your mother talked to you with criticism with degradation yeah that's what my daughter thinks I do too yes but now you have

18:20 this beautiful opportunity as a parent through your relationship with your children to give it to yourself so thank you so much ran for joining us and for being vulnerable and sharing your struggles thank you thank you so much Dr chali as you heard through Ranger's story when our childhood is plagued by the imposition of perfection by unrealistic standards of achievement and success where the child feels

18:53 puppeteered and controlled by their parents that child grows up into an adult who simply cannot hear their own truth who is disconnected from their own inner power who is disembodied from their own sense of authority governance wisdom and capacity and that's what you heard in Ran's story an adult who simply feels unable

19:24 unworthy to be whole and that's why I tell parents watch how you relate to your children because if you relate to them with endless criticism with constant standards that they have to achieve they actually on the contrary often grow up with a debilitating sense of worth instead of the I can mentality as you saw with range so our inner relationship with ourselves if it is

19:55 riddled with shame with doubt with unworthy then that's what we project onto our children and then they carry that Legacy into adulthood and into their families up next we're going to meet a mother who has a 21-year-old daughter so she's been there done that but now she wants to explore becoming a mother again but she is riddled with doubt and insecurity the decision to become a

20:26 parent is never an easy one and many times parents want to know what they can do to best prepare themselves feather and Gia are two guests of mine who are joining me now to talk about their relationship and their decision to embark on a journey of motherhood together welcome feather and Galia let's begin with you feather tell us what you're struggling with right now G and I have been in a long distance

20:58 relationship for 3 years and she made it very clear from the beginning of our relationship that she wanted to be a mother and I was pretty clear that I didn't want to do it all over again I have a 21-year-old daughter and it was the hardest thing I've ever done and partly because the relationship I was in at the time with her father was really unhealthy and partly because I

21:29 was young and I had no clue what I was doing so love has moved mountains and I am very open and in as far as the idea to be a co-parent with Galia but it has brought up all these concerns around my own capacity to show up in a healthy way and heal those inner parts of myself that would project or that were wounded

22:00 and really unable to hold the space and have the patience that motherhood requires there is one other piece here that complicates potentially things a bit and that is that Galia would like to have this child the old-fashioned way with a baby daddy father who is in the child's life and I know that that piece is going going to be interesting to

22:30 navigate in addition to just the complicated nature of parenting okay thank you for explaining so Galia why don't you share a little bit about your vision for becoming a mother and this is your first time so tell us about what your fantasy about this is yeah in my ideal dream world I have a father who is available to hold that role and that position in the child's

23:01 life and from the very beginning when feather wasn't initially on board I asked well what seat do you want at the table because I believe that this child's going to make a lot of seats at this table of people who are ready and willing to show up in a good way and at first it was Auntie kind of vibe you know and okay you you'll be auntie and then I noticed in myself the hyper independent piece that was like then

23:28 just me then I got it it'll just be me and then when the child says who's my dad I'll just point over there and that'll be that and now in my ideal dream world there is the co-parenting conversation between all three of us and an agreement of how we wish to show up for this being that is choosing all of us as well to be on their team and that is present that is making the effort is

23:56 bonding in those formative years and they have a bond that is filled with trust and vulnerability and presence and feather and I are also co-parenting in our own maternal ways and finding that happy Harmony somehow between three adults and this maybe twins maybe one child we don't know what the god goddess has in store but we'll see how it all kind of unfolds as it comes okay so

24:27 couple questions so you all are living long distance in different cities different countries we've been in different cities and I'm actually bridging that Gap uh as it would be I travel a lot and I recently on my travels at an airport found a puppy and this puppy is now part of my life and so as part of I feel like the retraining to a baby we've decided to cohabitate in the next upcoming months and I'm I'm going to make the

24:59 shift into Colorado where feather is located and we're going to do a little bit of a test run it seems with this puppy and show up in a co-parenting style so youall have never lived together until now we've never lived together no okay so that's a really important piece to just mark because you know this is our tendency right we want that Vision we want that fantasy of having this child with all these players

25:31 but the reality is we haven't really taken that first step to even test if we can live together so I'm pretty certain it will go beautifully but it's just important to not you know sometimes we jump so far ahead and I hear in you Galia this decision and you're very clear that you're going to do this no matter what is that correct yes yeah so that so you've already made up your mind whether there's one person or 10 you're

25:58 going to have this child correct yeah okay understand so feather you said that you have some reservations about there being the presence of this quote unquote male figure so talk about that why is that something that is bringing up this hesitancy in you I mean I wouldn't necessarily call it a hesitancy as much as a consideration an additional potential complexity added fortunately I

26:29 don't mind complexity I really enjoy it uh but an awareness that that piece is you know not wearing rose-colored glasses about it it's challenging as it is to parent with two and and with three or you know more it can at the same time it can add benefits of that support system can also add challenges and and I think for a question I have Dr shaali is how important do you think it is for Harmony in the household for there to be

27:02 a shared Vision or agreement on how to parents do you think that there can be different parenting Styles and that's a benefit for the child do you think the parents really need to get on the same page or it's going to be a disaster well it's not so extremely either or but I hear what you're saying and you've had experience so you know that when the partners are not uh getting along when they're full of conflict when they are antagonistic

27:32 toward each other that creates so much stress in the parenting journey and you also know that raising a child is so unexpected with so many wild turns and you can't really predict it so I hear you you're a seasoned parent who is trying to minimize all the X factors and here you have Galia who's younger who's like oh you know why not let's have a whole table of people and a puppy and we

28:03 remember that right we more seasoned mothers remember that kind of utopic idealism that we had which quickly crashes and crumbles and burns so I I get it I get where you both are it's not so much uh that feather you are you know reserved in terms of not wanting a child you just are more realistic and uh Alia you're allowed to have your idealism you're allowed to have that bubble of

28:34 Rosy you know hued glasses where everything is going to be beautiful and things are going to be so amazing you know we want you to preserve that however I think it's important that you hear feather's vast life experience of 21 years and hear how difficult it can be and go into this journey prepared and you can't fully prepare because you've never met the child yet and guess what all parents know this we change once we

29:05 become parents like who you are loving right now is not the same person because we become we evolve or devolve once we become parents so you all have never seen each other as parents of this child you've seen feather as a parent of that child but you haven't seen her as the parent of your child Galia it is completely a different human that shows up so you know parents often think

29:36 before you know becoming parents that oh this is going to bond us this is going to make us closer many times it does and many times it is the very thing that splinters them apart so to answer your question is it ideal to have the same parenting philosophy and is it ideal to both of you being conscious parents yes of course that's a no-brainer however to expect that is very naive because each of you is coming to the equation with

30:09 such different baggage which you don't even know that you have until it shows up and feather you know right you saw your you saw yourself morph into this other being this other worldly human that you had no idea existed inside you and Gia you you are right now the Galia you know is the one you think is going to be there as a mother but you are going to face the death of this Galia and and the birth of a whole new human

30:41 being and that's the beauty of motherhood so let me ask you Galia do you have reservations and what are your questions I think the biggest concern is the meshing of Worlds you know brother and I having this Foundation as I'm calling in a father for my child and feeling my internal capacity of okay there's my relationship with feather and now there's a relationship with another being and then there's a child how am I

31:14 going to band withd all of the complexity that that will involve and have the patience and the loving kindness and the ability to speak what I need to to each person if effectively while also holding myself in a massive life transition from and an ego death and a yes so where you know I I assume it's possible because some people are doing it and there's a fear story of I'm going to be FL like pulled

31:46 into too many stretched too thin and then I'm going to lose all of it yes yes so that's completely understandable and so legitimate to have I think you know I would give you this piece of insight uh and a suggestion that be careful as you construct this movie you know you're calling in this father you're bringing in this child this is not a fantasy you're getting to weave this is not a

32:17 completion of an inner longing that you have for yourself this is a massive tsunami tornado hurricane of a whole life that you're you're asking to participate in that you have zero control over I think when when parents sometimes carefully craft and design it you know we're going to do this first we're going to do the puppy then the plants but choosing the father we're choosing the moment it may lend itself

32:49 to this feeling this delusion of omnipotence that is going to crash and burn because we are not in control of how this looks we are not in control of how people show up we're not going to be able to demand that each of the other players show up in the way that you envisioned or that is even best for the child so basically it's a show about to happen and if you're ready for the wreckage then you're actually the most

33:20 prepared when you when when you're floating on cloud n thinking oh my goodness we're going to have stained glass windows and the Sun is going to peek through every morning and we're going to play in the sandpit and make castles that's when you're actually setting yourself up for the greatest failure when you instead say you know what we're both going to screw it up or we're both going to want to kill each other we're both or the three of us are

33:45 going to be absolute you know imperfect human beings in deep Folly and you know huge Shadow and ego and personas and we're going to have to really fix figure this out together now you're better prepared versus how is this all going to match the fantasy you see the difference qu and Galia maybe for you to take some of feather's you know real life experience in and when she says you

34:17 know bringing in this third person does add complexity she's right but some of it does ask for caution and uh a little bit of slow slowing down and making sure you're making the right decision to the best degree of our Consciousness you know I often tell parents who look back and retrospect with guilt or shame that we did the best we could right feather you did the best you could with the level of Consciousness you had and of

34:45 course you want to go back and turn back time and maybe feather your daughter will say to you wow look what an amazing mother you are now right but you're going to but you're going to but here's how you can transform that and alchemize that you can tell her it's because you were my teacher oh right she was your teacher to allow you to be this person today so you can alchemize her potential comparison that oh you're so nice to this baby and you

35:16 were such a witch to me you're like yeah I didn't know any better but look what a beautiful teacher I had so you both sound so ready I think as ready as you can be and I think you have a beautiful balance of jaded cynicism and realism and this naive endearing enthusiasm I think that's perfect there is no united front either don't expect each other to be unanimous on every decision it's okay

35:46 to have a healthy back and forth but I think you are both coming from the right place of wanting this to be a journey of Discovery and evolution so thank you so much for sharing thank you so much doctor thank you so much so I'm pretty sure that in both these stories you could hear how we as parents get so fixated on the movies in our fantasies so I write in my book that children who

36:18 grow up being forced into their parents' movies feel forever misplaced misunderstood and claustrophobic they want to scream hey I just want to live my own life get me out of your movie but they cannot do so because their roles have been cast from infancy and continue throughout their lives so I want you listening to understand that our lives

36:49 especially with our children are not a Fantasy Life calls us to live it not in our fantasy IES not in how tomorrow will turn out but right here right now in the present moment if you received insights and wisdom from this episode don't forget to subscribe and share it with those you love and I will see you next time on parenting and you with me Dr

37:21 shaali parenting and you with Dr chaali is for educational and informational purposes only it is not intended as a substitute for professional medical psychological psychotherapeutic coaching Healthcare or other qualified professional advice diagnosis or treatment