SUPERPOWERED

0:02 hey everyone how are you i'm on facebook and instagram today because i'm doing something really spontaneous and special so if you're watching me on facebook can you tell me if you're on my main dr shafali page i just hope i clicked the right page and hi everyone on instagram tell me where you're signing in from hey guys i'm doing something really

0:33 spontaneous or really out of the blue because of some things that happened today and i just wanted to share um maybe it'll help some of you i don't know but i'm just waiting for people to sign on we had a fabulous event on sunday where i did my final year-end event my final viral wisdom it was called closing 2020 with 2020 vision if you still want to buy it it's available for 20

1:04 it's still available so the link is somewhere here my courses are 50 off if you want to gift one of my courses as a gift a holiday gift a wonderful gift of consciousness use the code gift 50 for that okay so keep signing in tell me how you are i'm i'm doing this this may be one of my last lives for a while uh and i wasn't even going to do this one but because of some things that have been

1:35 happening i thought to come on and share that with you but i'm waiting for for more people to sign on and come in so i can tell you why i'm here today so um you know many of my psychology psychologist friends many of my coaching friends many many people who are in the caregiving field have expressed to me how the holiday time is always a time of

2:07 greater anxiety greater addictions greater loneliness and because of this particular pandemic even more so so more people are calling more people are acting out our children are going nuts so this is why i'm here today is because i want to give a free talk on my book with uh my co-author my co-author winnie jane and i wrote this book called superpowered

2:37 and i want to give a free talk on this book today because maybe it'll help somebody out there maybe a parent who's struggling with an anxious kid maybe a kid who needs to hear this i just felt inspired literally 30 minutes before to come on and just do a mini kind of ad-lib free spontaneous book club for you if you have children in your life if you are struggling with anxiety then

3:09 maybe something i say in the next 30 minutes will help you so i'm going to be teaching from this book a little impromptu book club this is a book i've written with a fantastic anxiety expert my dear friend rini jane rini has the best site for anxiety management for children and teens and parents it's called gosen.comgozen.com she's the co-author of this book

3:40 actually this is really all her brilliance so if you want to go deeper into anxiety with your kids go to her website gosen.com and the kids can navigate it on their own they learn about the anxiety they learn about ocd they learn about phobias they learn about why they're anxious how to change their thoughts and it's a fun website gosen.com goeszen.com so i'm going to do an impromptu book club

4:11 on this book so hang in there i'm going to uh give you some key teachings from this book so if you have a kid or teenager right now struggling with anxiety maybe you want them to hear this so it'll be here forever so they can hear it and if you're a parent struggling with how to help your kids well now i'm going to help you help your kids so join in tell tag your friends if they want to come on in this is

4:40 really last minute not planned i could have done an event around it but i just felt that i just felt it in the moment so here i am and i'm going to do some teachings from this fabulous book called superpowered you should really buy it for every human being yes i've decided every human being needs this book but it's really geared for your kids for your teenagers and it's going to help your

5:11 your own parenting it's going to help you talk to your nieces your nephews your your um your own kids and to your own inner kid to the kid that's inside you it's going to help you talk to your own child so this book is called superpowered are you ready are you ready for me to do some teachings from superpower so all our kids are experiencing stress we are experiencing stress we are going through so much and this is

5:43 why this book is the book of the moment super power buy it now go to amazon go to your indie bookstores buy it for your friends it's like less than 20 bucks it is filled with genius illustrations and activities and exercises and teaching this is the book you wish you had as a kid so this is the gift i'm telling you this is the gift you can

6:14 never go wrong with this gift okay it's called superpowered so i am going to teach you some things about this book okay so the first thing is that we have been thinking about anxiety all wrong okay we have been wanting to medicate anxiety we have been wanting to suppress it to eat it away drink it away distract it away and that whole paradigm is defunct is based on the

6:47 medication model and not on the meditation model it's based on medicating it's based on snubbing and snuffing out our feelings as a result you and i know this we never grew up feeling our feelings feeling feelings was very threatening and when someone else expressed their feelings that was conflict we didn't want to hear from anybody's feelings unless they were feeling happy

7:19 with us and we didn't want to hear from our feelings unless they were happy happy feelings this problem is the problem that we only wanted certain feelings otherwise no feelings is the problem this is the reason we have anxiety because we've never learned to sit in our feelings and feel the feelings we've learned to react to the feelings in my book the awakened family i talk

7:50 about the difference between feelings and reactions feelings they rise and they go they're meant to be sensed to be felt to be cried to be experienced reactions are what we do in reaction to the feeling i call those emotions emotions are our reactivity to the feeling the feeling is just a

8:22 feeling it's just a feeling it's just a feeling and if we can just learn to be with our feelings they go like waves but because we've never learned to be with our feelings and express our feelings and experience our feelings we react to the feelings and we call those emotions i call that emotions so then we get angry then we then we get depressed then we're eating then we get addicted then we're in conflict then we're

8:47 frustrated we take the feelings and now we express it in the external world or against ourselves and that's called an emotional reaction if we could just sit with our feelings and go oh i'm having a feeling i'm having a feeling and then express the feeling i'm having a feeling i'm having a feeling i'm having a feeling versus why did you do that to me i'm so angry with you you see the difference let's try it

9:18 again one is i wanted to share with you that i'm having some feelings and i'm feeling some feelings of sadness and that's making me cry and sometimes i'm feeling some anger and i just wanted you to know that yeah these feelings of anger come up when you say x y and z and it's making me feel really uncomfortable how emotionally mature is that versus how could you do that to me

9:48 i can't believe you did that do you understand how rude you were you are such a rude person i'm never going to speak to you again the second one is an emotional reaction the first one is i'm feeling feelings and feeling feelings and feeling feelings what are your feelings what are your feelings what are your feelings now you would think i've taught my daughter how to do this i haven't she's 17 and three quarters almost 18. i'm not allowed to say she's

10:18 18 until she's 18. because when i say you're 18 as in you're an adult i get told no i'm not 18. i'm not even 17 and 9 10 i'm 17 and seven tens so i'm not yet an adult so i cannot be treated like an adult however other times when i say you know you can't do that she goes yes i can i'm an adult now so you know how teenagers are like neither here nor there

10:47 anyway you would think i've taught my daughter how to share her feelings no it's really difficult so please don't be thinking oh dr shafali's daughter knows how to share her feelings i barely know how to share my feelings my daughter feeling straight to volcanic reaction okay but i have learned as a parent that teenagers brain is not developed they look bigger than you and they use all your makeup and eat all your food

11:18 and bang up your car take all your money but their brains are really like it was at 11. they look different they look deceptive so you're thinking they're they they're they're smart but they're smart but not wise to put it mildly so their brain is not here developing apparently new science has shown us that bloody frontal cortex where all the thinking the planning oh my god do you know when it

11:49 ends the development do you know when well it explains for all my crazy 20s it only finishes developing at 28th so if you have teenagers and you're thinking oh 18 you're going to be like you're done with parenting no now apparently 28 is the new 18. so we have to go all the way till 28 before we expect them to show some emotional maturity i don't know whether men and women have the same rate of

12:21 of growth you would hope however it is to be seen so kids don't know how to do this okay parents don't know how to do this i'm having feelings my feelings are of sadness it's making me really sad right now and these feelings are welling up inside me and in my throat no we're like i want to kill you i want to shake you i'm never going to speak to you right that's what we know we're always reacting we're always

12:50 reacting but as parents we need to know that teenagers brains are not developed therefore preschoolers schoolers adolescents all of their brain not develop so expecting them to speak like this is impossible but when they react like that you can understand that they're having a goddamn feeling so you don't react back to them right why are you reacting to them right i always tell parents especially of toddlers

13:23 and teenagers which is basically all the kids and all i was going to say all the the men sometimes but i was going to say i tell i tell parents all the time why do you react back don't you understand that they just don't know how to feel their feelings they just don't know how to feel their feelings so we parents need to be translators auto translators quick quick quick

13:53 oh my kid is really tired oh my kid is dumping on me right now and acting like a lunatic because she doesn't know how to express her feelings and so on and so forth so when we understand that they don't know how to just express and they've taken that feeling and converted it into a reaction then we don't react right we just wait for the wave to pass and the good thing about kids is that

14:23 the wave does pass and then later you can if you feel like you it's safe you can go and approach your kid or your teenager and talk about their feelings their feelings now you know many a grown-up man and woman who don't know how to express their feelings they don't even know if they're having a feeling they're simply blaming projecting

14:53 and dumping on you it's called emotional dumping at least once a week i know i emotionally dump and i'm dumped on i don't know about you but this is a thing we seem to be doing as humans so the the hard thing is to say i'm having feelings i'm having feelings how hard is it to say i'm having some feelings i need you to not be triggered by me because i'm having feelings so can you not have a feeling while i'm having a

15:24 feeling can you sit with my feelings right this would be the the mature thing to do but we can't we don't know how to talk like that it's impossible because when the feeling comes we've been conditioned to express to rage to do something to simply sit with the feelings is impossible right we're like eating drinking screaming yelling picking up the phone we can't just sit with the feeling okay

15:57 so now i'm going to start the book i haven't even started the book but this was the premise of the book that the way we're thinking about anxiety is wrong because we're suppressing anxiety and not understanding that anxiety shows up in many faces that's why we lose it with our children you know why we lose it with our children because we genuinely believe that they're bloody so rude okay i remember when my daughter was four years old and i literally

16:28 literally you know how parents are we literally think things that are not true so i literally thought she is manipulating me and she's playing games with me so i remember she was four years old okay she didn't even know what i was even talking about and i said to her stop playing games with me maya because i thought she was manipulating me because you know how we parents up we're so victimized and everybody's so mean to us we're like

16:55 you're manipulating me not that i didn't know how to say no or have good boundaries or good self-care i'm like you're manipulating me you know you're crying too many times at night you're manipulating me you need to pee at night and you're asking for help you're manipulating me i was so messed up so i told her you're playing games with me and she was so cute she looked at me and said oh you want to play a game mommy

17:20 let's go play a game and i felt so ashamed at how sick i was you know my ego couldn't so couldn't take that i needed to serve her and it brought up my own sense of grandiosity like i don't need to serve you understand and this poor four-year-old i converted it in my head as we parents are very good at doing into you she is using me she's using me because she is using me but she's not meaning to

17:52 use me right not in the way that i've been used and abused in my life and now i'm in my 40s i'm taking it out on her this is why we parents lose it with our children because somewhere we believe that they are are equal that their brain is developed that they're purposely doing that and they're not purposely doing it i mean sometimes they're probably doing it of course you know how when they come to you so

18:21 sweetly oh my daughter's voice becomes like a little impact like a mouse set like not even a mouse a mouse at okay mommy can i can i i was just wondering you know can i please have some money yeah totally totally manipulating okay so of course they manipulate but when they are caught up in those big feelings they're not manipulating us they genuinely lost it they've lost it they don't the

18:54 feeling came the feeling scared them and they went straight to their ego protection which is yell scream disobey not listen withdraw sulk lazy procrastinate right they went into shutdown mode they became zombies and did one of these three things but almost always unless your kid is a very good actor or actress every time they're having a big feeling

19:27 that feels to the parent as if they're manipulating the parent or attacking the parent 100 95 to 100 percent they are having anxiety anxiety anxiety anxiety and the anxiety gets converted into something else i'll give you a case in point yesterday i went to the dermatologist with my daughter if she hears me she's going to kill me for her skin and the doctor told her to stay away from the sun and she's going on

20:00 vacation tomorrow in the sun so the doctor told her don't be in the sun did i say it no i didn't do anything i'm just driving she began screaming at me what do you expect me to do do you understand i can't do anything i'm in the sun i can't do anything screaming at me what do you think i should do you're unreasonable you're asking too much of me i'm driving i'm not saying anything but i understand it's a dumping

20:30 situation it's called emotional dumping but i'm happy to be the the dumpster no problem because i understand the child whose brain is not yet formed another 10 years is feeling anxiety about not being able to suntan because of her skin and instead of bloody getting angry with the doctor she's getting angry with the dumpster so

21:02 i'm just like nothing when you understand that their brains are abducted by their big feelings and they don't mean to express it the way they express it underneath it's some anxiety or some fatigue or some hunger it's very basic they don't mean it that's why 10 minutes later they'd be like can i have a donut

21:33 can you make me a pancake and we parents are like are you talking to me and they're like uh yeah and you're like how could you talk to me after the way you treated me and they're like that was 30 minutes ago we're here now and i'm hungry can you please go cook for me and we can't get over it we're like i have said things like 36 days ago you talked to me rudely and then 13 days

22:02 ago you again talked to me rudely and then 17 hours ago you were really rude and literally my daughter looks at me like i don't remember anything like literally they don't remember so we parents because we live in the past and we're so in our egos we're like oh now you're asking me for pancakes you think i'm going to give you pancakes right now we're like in fact i'm not only not going to give you pancakes i'm going to throw out all

22:25 the flour and you'll have to go walk to the store to buy the flour to make your own damn pancakes right because now we're like oh now you're a baby now you're all sweet what happened this is their brain this is their brain now it doesn't mean you allow them to be rude to you you can always walk away you can always cut allowances you can always say no more but i'm trying to tell you that they are

22:53 not capable of expressing their feelings so enter this book okay enter this book so we wrote this book because the way we've been feeling our feelings is wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong okay so then publishers approached us and said write a book so rini who's a master at anxiety and i wrote this book super powered let's talk about it why we wrote this book we're here to teach you about managing your anxiety

23:24 and transforming it into courage confidence and resilience look how cute we are that's us okay so here here's the truth many of our kids feel like this inside you just don't see it because outside they may mask it they may hide it they may cover it but our kids one in three u.s children are being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder yep yep yep yeah and now in kovis

23:55 it's gone through the roof yes and one in one in two adults i've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder as well okay so the premise of this book the way we designed this book is that we were born with our superpowers right in in conscious parenting language we say you were born your authentic self and then because of you your parents and culture your authentic self was robbed it was abducted it was heisted and because of that

24:24 you don't have your superpowers so you have anxiety right that's what happens when your superpowers get zapped so your first so this is an acronym super power power is an acronym and you are super powered your children were born super powered but because of your anxiety the parents anxiety and because of culture because of education because of the church because of the priests because of the temples all pointing fingers at our children

24:56 because of the the pressures of magazine covers and tv ads and social medias and like buttons and all this do this don't do that you're bad you're good in all the cultural injunctions our children and our super powers were zapped and when they zapped that's what what brings about anxiety so we try to make it kid-friendly we try to make it you know zappy and and cute and fun so the first one p is the superpower of

25:29 being present each one of us were born present you know that you know how little children are they're so in the moment and that's the the first one that was zapped away from us because we were told to not be in the present uh you know our parents and us included began hurriing our children up to the future you know we're like excuse me childhood is not for childhood okay children childhood is not to play

25:59 not to dream not to be not to be still childhood is a preparation for the future right haven't we told all our children this like hello hello life is not play right when a five-year-old is just playing bubbles all day you're like excuse me do you think all all your life you can just play how do you think you're gonna pay the rent by playing bubbles right and the kid is like okay you look really happy and you're like

26:30 yeah i'm happy and i want you to be happy that's why you should stop playing right now right stop playing quit playing let's get serious about adulthood because when you get to adulthood you're going to be super happy like me right so p o o o o is the superpower of being original you think your kids are original we're like do not be original okay we have a family we have a last name we

27:02 have a tradition we all belong to this synagogue or temple or church or club okay or neighborhood and this is the way we do it here okay so hello you can be original till two till two years old oh so cute you're so cute after two wear a uniform put your hair in matching braids wear matching socks and look good because you are my representation so be original when you grow older after you're older and you pay your own money

27:32 and you you make your own money and you pay your own rent and make your own write your own checks to yourself then you can be original but mommy that'll be too late i'll be 54. it's okay i waited till then you can wait till then right what's the problem what's the problem do i look unhappy i'm totally fitting in i'm totally i've given up my originality life is a compromise life is a sacrifice look at me don't i look happy

28:03 right that's what we tell our children our children are like no you don't okay w is the superpower of whole when our children were born and we were born we used to look in the mirror believe it or not and we thought we were awesomeness we were amazing we were gorgeous how many young girls have you caught looking in the mirror going and the best looking little girl in the world and little boy is going i'm a

28:29 superpower right okay that was before they turned four and went to preschool the minute they go to preschool they meet the real world and they meet other children conditioned by other parents and they begin feeling like crap now suddenly they come home and go what's wrong with my skin jacob told me that my skin was too dark or sally told me that my hair was too this and and um maya told me my nose was too big

28:57 and pamela told me that my eyes were crooked right now suddenly they meet the real world and they realize oh i'm supposed to fit a standard and the standard is a box and it looks like this and if i don't look like that i'm not beautiful anymore i'm not worthy anymore i'm not whole anymore so that superpower gets taken away really fast and all of us have had that happen to us e is the superpower of energized you

29:26 know our kids when they're young they're like so excited so happy to greet the day again pre-four years old because once they get into the system the cultural system the educational system the religious system all our institutions that give them one thousand and fifteen hundred and millions of rules and dogma and finger wagging all the energy goes away they're like uh i just wanted to get out of bed and have energy and the mother goes and the father you can have energy after

29:58 you do this and then you do this and then we have to go learn three languages then we have to go for baseball then we have to stand on our head then we have to love nature then we have to take our dog on a walk then we have to go pet the animals in the zoo and then we have to make stew with grandmother and make some cookies post it on facebook then you can have your day to yourself

30:16 and you can do whatever you want with your day the day is yours between 5 45 and 6 12 it's called free play time go free play right i've seen so many calendars with parents who write free play time for free play the free play time is structured in a box in a container in a cage but it's called free play go go go cheer and go free play and the kids are like by then just zombified and

30:46 exhausted and you're like see i give you so much time i give you freedom and you don't take the freedom you know these children these ungrateful children and then are is resilient our children are resilient you know that i know that they don't think of success and failure and and grades and a pluses and a minuses but we do that to them so we take away their growth mindset and we give them a a stuck mindset where

31:17 they are talking about their their failures their fixed mindset and they don't want to take risks anymore and we're like you're not a risk taker obviously they're not a risk taker because if they get a 91 it's called an a if they get an 89 it's called a b under which rule is that how dumb is that so they're like you know what i'm not going to try thank you very much because i might as well just get an 81

31:42 it's the same as an 89 which is a b you see they stop trying because we've quantified things everything has a value everything has a grade everything is a number and that takes the energy out of the process out of just feeling things out of doing things because they match your soul because they feed you right so we've legitimized and rigidified and organized everything into such boxes and then we want our children to have freedom to

32:14 explore it doesn't work like that so anyway so those superpowers have been zapped so in this book we literally give you clues and strategies and techniques and ways to help your kid get back these superpowers look at this book it's amazing you can read it with your kids you can do it with your teens hello amazing book you should you should should should should not buy any other

32:46 gift for any other human except this book and my courses except this book no really this is the book of the day is to help your kids not be anxious as much what could be a better gift how much does it cost less than 18 17.99 order it in every country it's different i don't know whether it's available in every country try it go to amazon go go to getsuperpower.com because i have

33:19 indie bookstores there we'd love you to support indie bookstores buy the book super powered okay guys so this was my impromptu little insight into this book reminding you it's the best book ever and wishing you all a fabulous holidays you can still buy my courses they're 50 off um sign up for my newsletter i'll let you know what i'm doing next i will be going off the grid now

33:50 because i'm planning two big things next year and you'll hear from me when they're ready if they're ready soon but good but if not then i'm taking time off to develop these things and write about them and talk about them or whatever i'm doing and so thank you all for a phenomenal year if you want to still buy my closing event 2020 which had over 3 000 people watch it amazing i gave it my all just for 20

34:18 you can still buy it and if you want to buy my courses for 50 off use the code gift 50 and thank you all have a happy holidays it's been an incredible year i will see you when i see you bye guys thank you for listening thank you thank you