When Your Tween Is Rejected

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1:07 i'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children [Music] i love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away one of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment so even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on

1:38 the outside we remain good inside [Music] this episode is a bonus of sorts an extra for parents of tweens and teens i get so many requests to do more episodes have more content for parents of older children and when i was recording an episode

2:10 about pure dynamics i received one voicemail that was different from the others it was not focused on elementary school or toddlerhood it was focused on what do i do with my seventh grader and also how does social media relate to feelings and friendships and to feeling excluded if those topics are relevant in your life this bonus episode is for you so let's listen to a voicemail from the

2:40 shelly where she talks about her middle school age child and then after that i'll jump into a bunch of ideas and strategies [Music] hi dr becky my name is michelle and i live in san diego i have a 7th grade girl who found out that she was not invited to a birthday party that

3:12 took place in a shopping mall and all the other kids in her peer group were and they were discussing it on monday after the event which made me pretty happy that she doesn't have social media yet because that would have been even harder and quicker for her to see she was very upset by this and she was too in tears she changed tables didn't want to sit with

3:43 them anymore and she took it very much to heart we later found out that she the person it was celebrating their birthday and could only invite a certain amount of people or so that's what she was told i didn't interfere because i've been listening to you for a long time and i just tried to coach her from home but you know it was it did cross my mind to text you know one of the parents and asked

4:14 you know why she wasn't invited was it something that she's doing that she wouldn't be wanted in that kind of setting or i don't know she sticks with these kids every day and this is her peer group so it was surprising to me how would you recommend something like this be handled and how do we better prepare our kids for not being invited to things and explain to them before they have

4:45 social media that they will find out they're missing out on a lot much at a much more rapid rate and when do we as parents discuss with our kids when is the right time for social media based on how she reacted from hearing about this two days ago i don't think it would be healthy for her to have instagram or snapchat where she would see it right away and i don't know how much more intense the

5:16 reaction would be hi vicelly thank you so much for calling in with such a nuanced situation and i think it's a situation that so many parents have to manage with their tweens and teens right our kids get older their pure life means even more to them and then when they're excluded things feel that much worse how do we intervene with our kids who are 12 16 older

5:51 when they clearly feel upset about a difficult situation with a friend i want to go over a few things and i want to go over them in terms of things you can do in the moment when your child shares with you what happened and things to do outside of the moment and even thinking about both sets of strategies is really helpful because when your child shares a moment where they feel so vulnerable so her there are so many things we want to do

6:21 that really aren't effective or even appropriate for that moment so let's really kind of walk through what to do in the moment of hurt and then what we can think about outside that moment in the moment your child shares with you she found out about this party she wasn't invited she's super super upset these three lines are so helpful with teens and the first one is going to sound surprising because it's not our instinct to say something like this mom

6:53 i wasn't invited i'm the only one who wasn't invited to this birthday party i'm so glad we're talking about this i'm so glad you came to me with this i'm so glad you're sharing this with me and then maybe add on this is so important those words are a message to your child that you are there for them that you see how big this is and that you're not jumping right away to a quick fix it almost

7:26 is like you opening a door it's like they're standing on one side of the door and you're saying yes come in we can be in this together what else would i say after that i'd share something like this wow this stinks this is so awful feeling i believe you some comment that just validates the intensity of the emotion i think we can all remember what it was like to be a teenager and feel excluded

7:57 from something it feels like your whole world it feels so bad and i think it's hard for us to see our kid in pain and so we often minimize what's happening you weren't invited to one party it's fine or you can have a get-together with a different group of people next weekend you can go to the mall you can go to the movies and we do that because we feel uncomfortable in our kids distress but what it ends up

8:23 saying to our kid is you shouldn't feel this way and i'm not someone you can talk to about this which usually isn't the message we want to send our kids so instead when we share i'm so glad you came to me with this this really stinks i believe you this feels awful our kid feels our presence presence presence presence this is everything in a moment of distress our feelings don't give us problems

8:55 the aloneness in our feelings gives us problems and so when you say to your child essentially i'm here with you in this you take away the part of the distress that's from aloneness and when we take away the aloneness our distress immediately becomes more tolerable what would i say after that these three words tell me more and i'd want to hear more about the specifics of what was happening for my child when

9:25 they found out this news where were you when it happened no you're at the lunch table huh who are you sitting there oh okay were you facing the wall were you facing the window because oh you're facing the window you were right there why am i asking these questions does it really matter no that specific content doesn't matter what matters so much is when i ask those specific questions i actually get into that memory of pain i get into

9:54 that moment where my child felt so alone and i'm there with them right now vicelly imagine you just found out some really upsetting news about being excluded from something all of your best friends went to a lunch without you or you found out they all planned uh mom's weekend away and organized it and are had some fun location and you weren't invited now imagine someone you care about a friend a family member a partner being so interested in your experience

10:26 that they would say oh you're at your work desk was anyone else around oh no and then what happened you know someone really cares about you and is really listening and is really invested in you when they ask those specific questions again does it take away the moment or the pain no but we can't take away the moment or the pain and frankly we wouldn't want to because when we join our child when we support them not only do we help them in that

10:58 moment we actually build their resilience for life because this is not the last time your child will feel rejected or feel excluded and if your child's body remembers support remembers your presence remembers your interested compassionate words well guess what when she's an adult she will be wired to have compassionate words for herself in those moments and that is what coping is all about okay what about outside the moment well you raised an important

11:28 question this i wonder why my child was excluded should i call another parent and figure that out does my child do something that is hurtful to the other kids i actually think those are useful questions right it's important for us to help our kid understand themselves in the context of their peer relationships but not in a situation like this the way i think about it is this situation is too hot to explore our child's role i think you can

11:58 use this situation kind of to put your antenna up huh outside of the situation i'm gonna pay more attention to how my child interacts with their friends i'm gonna see if i notice anything but i would use it as that type of starting point for your thought process and investigation not as the jumping in point to look at something your child might be doing that's off-putting because your child is already feeling so vulnerable and so rejected that we don't need to

12:28 kind of add on to those feelings one last point in response to your bigger question what about social media now we could do you know a whole podcast series just about teens and social media and maybe at some point you got my wheels spitting maybe we should because i love thinking about this but in the interest of time in this episode yes i see how you take this situation and go to the thought huh well when my

12:57 child's on instagram or snapchat or any other platform they're gonna have so much information in their face about things that happened that they weren't invited to there's a couple things i would think about in terms of skills a child needs psychological skills coping skills a child needs before they enter into the world of social media this is by no means an exhaustive list but just a few things that come to mind now one self-talk to manage feelings of

13:28 exclusion going on social media especially for a teen is this experience over and over uh i would have liked to be invited to that oh they look like they were having more fun than i was having oh why wasn't i invited there oh my friend was invited there i think if my friend was invited i wouldn't be invited it is just kind of being flooded with exclusion we can think as kind of part of our job with our kids

13:53 as preparing them for those inevitable moments by building up their kind of arsenal of tools to talk themselves through it here's how i might start uh you know what happened to me the other day i saw a picture of my friends at lunch and i wasn't there and it kind of felt like i wasn't at lunch i wonder if nobody likes me it kind of felt like i wasn't at lunch i wonder if i have no friends at all it's kind of

14:24 like i see a picture of a moment and then i jump to some huge big truth about myself huh well it didn't totally take away that hard feeling but after i saw that picture i put my feet on the ground and i just said to myself i feel upset and i'm a good person with friends i feel upset and i'm a good person with friends that

14:54 was helpful because then the upset feeling didn't kind of convince me that i didn't have friends when my kids start using social media i absolutely want to know that they have a way of talking to themselves when they feel excluded so that the exclusion doesn't become who they are it becomes an experience they had what else when it comes to social media i would definitely talk to my kids about

15:25 developing mindfulness around what they put out there social media is especially dangerous because so many kids put out photos or videos to get a response from others it's a very outside-in way of gaining validation as in oh if a lot of people like my picture i guess it means i'm popular if a lot of people like my video i guess it means i'm cool versus i really like this photo i know i like it i really like this

15:54 thing about it and i'm going to share it with people on my social media feed if a child can't articulate why they like something before they put it out into social media it probably means they're waiting for that like to be defined by someone else and that is really dangerous to a child's mental health one other thing i would do before venturing into the world of social media i would talk about it with my kid i'd be very open about the

16:26 things about social media that can be helpful in my own life even and the things that can be kind of dangerous i would also talk to my child even model checking in with myself before i start scrolling on site instagram huh how am i feeling right now well i'm feeling pretty happy i feel pretty content what am i hoping to learn what am i hoping to feel by going on social media and then maybe even modeling pausing after five

16:51 minutes setting a timer huh am i getting what i wanted how do i feel now oh that's interesting i thought i was going on to look up recipes and instead um mindlessly scrolling through other people's vacations i was feeling pretty content now i feel pretty insecure i'm not trying to make some huge life less in point but really trying to help my child understand that we need to collect data about ourselves as we use social media so social media essentially

17:21 doesn't just happen to us and leave us in a really really insecure anxious place [Music] so this was something totally new for me an episode directed at parents of tweens and teens i would love to know what you think please email goodinsidepodcast gmail.com let us know if you like this

17:51 episode if you'd like to have more episodes directed at this age group and if you really love this episode please leave a review or post about the episode on social media so more parents can get connected thanks for listening to goodinside i love co-creating episodes with you based on the real-life tricky situations in your family to share what's happening in your home you can call 646-598-2543

18:26 or email a voice note to goodinsidepodcast gmail.com there are so many more strategies and tips i want to share with you head to goodinside.com and sign up for a good insider my free weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox and follow me on instagram and facebook at dr becky at goodinside for a daily dose of parenting and self-care ideas good inside with dr becky is produced by

18:57 beth rowe and marie cecile anderson an executive produced by erica belski and me dr becky if you enjoyed this episode please take a moment to rate and review it or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves even as i struggle and even as i have a hard time on the

19:28 outside i remain good inside you