Transcript
0:00 [Music] friends Romans countrymen lend me your beers I am honored that you chose me to help you celebrate your graduation today I can only assume I am here today because of my subtle and layered work in a Timeless classic entitled Deuce Bigalow male jiggalo and for that I say you're
0:34 welcome I'm truly truly delighted to be here at Harvard I graduated from Boston College which some call the Harvard of Boston but we all know that Harvard is the Harvard of Harvard and you can quote me on that I have to admit I'm very surprised
1:07 to be here because like so many of you I was pretty convinced the Rapture was going to happen show of hands how many of you woke up on Sunday and thought you're kidding me I sold all of my belongings I told my boss to shove it and we're still here I understand how you feel I I am so mad at heaven right now so I tried to write today's speech
1:37 the way I wrote everything in college stayed up all night typing on a Canon word processor while listening to Sir Mixel lot to be fair first I took a nap I ate a large pretzel I cried a little bit and then I went to see that movie Fast Five and I'm here to tell you life is like a heist that requires
2:08 good drivers an explosives expert a hot girl who doubles as a Master of Disguise and this is a hard and fast rule if the Rock shows up they're on to you but the class of 2011 did not invite me here to tell jokes they invited me here to talk about the recent tensions between oil Traders and Regulators of the commodity Futures Trading commission I'm sure we all read the New
2:39 York Times this morning which posited that there may be a complex scheme that relied on the close relationships between physical oil prices and the prices of financial Futures which of course as we all know Moves In Parallel what do I know about Harvard I know it is the oldest American University I know it provides the Ultimate Experience in Higher Learning and according to the movies I
3:11 know it is filled with people who get rich by either inventing things or suing the people who claim they stole their invention let me be clear I believe everything I see in movies and if you remember anything I say today remember this every single thing you see in movies is real so what do the fine students of
3:42 2011 need to hear from me if I wanted to give you advice as a Bostonian I would remind you that just because you're Wicked smart it doesn't mean you're better than me and I would also want to say good for you for working so hard you graduating from havin huh must be nice if I wanted to give you advice as a New Yorker I'd tell you uh excuse me ma'am could you move
4:14 please don't walk in the bike lane get off the bike lane please and I would also like to take a moment to inform you as a New Yorker and as my cab driver did recently that Bloomberg pretends to take the subway but we all know that's a bunch of baloney if I wanted to give you advice as an actor I would tell you this don't do it don't be one there are too many I have a lot of talented friends
4:45 who aren't working sorry no more room at the end I bet you're great but um just work with the human genome instead you're all smart and sophisticated people you know the world in a way that my generation never did because of that I realize I don't have much advice to give to you in many ways I learn from you I don't have many answers just
5:18 questions specifically when I use FaceTime on my iPad and I'm talking to someone and I take a picture sometimes the screen freezes how do I fix that all I can tell you today is what I've learned what I have discovered as a person in this world and that is this you can't do it alone as you navigate through the rest of your life be open to
5:51 collaboration other people and other people's ideas are often better than your own find a group of people who Challenge and inspire you spend a lot of time with them and it will change your life no one is here today because they did it on their own okay maybe Josh but he's just a straight up weirdo you're all here today because
6:23 someone gave you strength helped you held you in the palm of their hand God Allah Buddha Gaga whomever you pray to they have helped you get here and that should make you feel less alone and less scared because it has been a scary 10 years you were young children when you
6:57 watched planes hit the World Trade Center you quickly understood what it was like to feel out of control your formative teenage years were filled with orange alerts and rogue waves and unaccomplished missions for my generation it was AIDS we all grow up afraid of something your
7:28 generation had had to get used to taking off your shoes at the airport My Generation had to get used to awkward PSAs from Boys to Men telling us to use protection but during those tough times we realized how wonderful it felt to be part of a group but more about me I moved to Chicago in the early 1990
7:59 90s and I studied improvisation there I learned some rules that I try to apply still today listen say yes live in the moment make sure you play with people who have your back make big choices early and often and don't start a scene where two people are talking about jumping out of a plane start the scene having already
8:30 jumped if you're scared look into your partner's eyes you will feel better this advice has come in handy and it and it would often be something I would think about when I would perform on Saturday Night Live live television can be very nerve-wracking and I remember one time being nervous looking into the eyes of the host and feeling
9:01 better I should point out I was wearing a chicken suit at the time the host was Donald Trump he was wearing a bigger more elaborate chicken soup I looked into his eyes I saw that he looked really stupid and I instantly felt better see how that works
9:31 I should point out that that sketch was written by a Harvard graduate and also a graduate from North Western but who cares about that am I right I cannot stress enough that the answer to a lot of your life's questions is often in someone else's face try putting your iPhones down every once in a while and look at people's faces people's faces will tell you amazing
10:03 things like if they are angry or nauseous or asleep I have been lucky to be a part of great ensembles my work with the Upright Citizens Brigade led me to my work on Saturday Night Live and when I graduated from that comedy College I was worried about what came next then Parks and Recreation came along a show I'm proud of where I get to work with people I
10:34 love you never know what is around the corner unless you Peak hold someone's hand while you do it you will feel less scared you can't do this alone besides it's much more fun to succeed and fail with other people you can blame them when things go wrong take your risks now as you grow older you become more
11:05 fearful and less flexible and I mean that literally I hurt my knee on the treadmill this week and it wasn't even on try to keep your mind open to possibilities and your mouth closed on M matters that you don't know about limit your always and your Nevers continue to share your heart with
11:38 people even if it's been broken don't treat your heart like an action figure wrapped in plastic and never used and don't try to give me that nerd argument that your heart is a Batman with a limited edition silver batang and therefore if it stays in its original packing it increases in value watch it Harvard you're not better than me even though as a class you are smart
12:10 you are still allowed to say I don't know just because you are in high demand you are still allowed to say let me get back to you this will come in handy when your parents ask when you plan to move out of their basement and you answer I don't know let me get back to
12:42 you which leads me to my final thought would it kill you to be nicer to your parents they have sacrificed so much for you and all they want you to do is smile and take a picture with your weird cousins do that for them and with less eye rolling
13:16 please and so class of 2011 it is time to leave Oprah has spoken so I will end with this quote heya heya heyya heya heya heyya hey
13:46 yah hey yaah all right all right all right all right all right the group Outcast the song heyya the lyricss nonsense I'm sorry I was it was really late when I wrote this this is what I want to say when you feel scared hold someone's hand and look into
14:16 their eyes and when you feel Brave do the same thing you are all here because you are smart and you are brave and if you add kindness and the ability to change attire you almost make up the perfect person I thank you for asking me to speak to you today as you head out into the world I wish you love and
14:48 light joy and much laughter and as always please don't forget to tip your waitresses thank you very much much