Breaking Generational Trauma and Making a Difference

0:01 Hello everyone. Welcome to a new episode of Parenting and You with me, Dr. Shafali. Now, today I'm going to be speaking to someone who I've never ever had a chance to speak to before, a real living, breathing congresswoman. Her name is Britney Pettison. She's born and raised in Jefferson County, Colorado. It's the community that she proudly represents in Washington. She has such an incredibly unique story of coming from a childhood being raised by a mother who struggled for decades with addiction. And now she has become a leading voice for the improvement of mental health especially for substance abusers. And she really advocates for addiction reform. Being an atrisisk youth herself, she really focuses on education because she says that her teachers who believed in her allowed her to see herself as someone who could do this work in her life. And now she is one of the few members of Congress who gave birth while in office. And she's trying to juggle it all. She's trying to be this advocate for change and service while raising two young boys. So, she knows better than anyone the struggles that working mothers face. So, she's going to join me today to talk about all of it. The dysfunctional family she came from, the advocacy work that she does, and her own healing process as a working mother. I cannot wait for you to listen to this incredible conversation with Congresswoman Brittney Pettison.

1:41 Joining me now is Congresswoman Brittany Pettison, a Colorado native whose personal story fuels her leadership on mental health and addiction reform. Growing up as an atrisisk youth, she became the first in her family to graduate high school and college thanks to her teachers and her commitment to her education. Now is one of the few members of Congress to give birth while still in office. She fights for child care, quality education, and real support for working families. Welcome to my podcast, Britney.

2:16 >> Thank you so much for having me. So, you have such an incredible story. You came from, you know, you were raised in a dysfunctional family and you're now trying to disrupt the family patterns. You're trying to do things for the first time in your family. You're the first one to graduate school, to go to college. So, talk about those firsts and how you're forging a path for working mothers in Congress. Growing up, I saw a lot of what I didn't want to be, but it's also a difficult road because when you're not growing up with those examples right in front of you, you don't know exactly what it looks like on what you want to be. And so I would often think about people that I respected throughout my adult life on people who I would think about if I could have a conversation with them, what they would say to me. And something that I was excited to talk to you or why I was excited to talk to you is because Oprah Winfrey is a big fan of yours and she's somebody who I would think about growing up and Barack Obama was a big inspiration as well. But it was grew up with a lot of dysfunction, a lot of challenges, very unlikely to be a member of Congress. And like you said, I was given a chance because I had access to great schools and teachers. And that really I changed my perspective about politics and why I started pursuing, you know, going down this path trying to fight to level the playing field for regular people. I didn't even vote when I was 18 years old. We never grow up talking about politics. So very unlikely that I'm a member of Congress coming from my background. You mentioned my work on addiction. My mom was overprescribed opioids after she hurt her back like so many people in this country and became wildly addicted when I was just six years old and that's when everything changed for my family and that eventually led to heroin. So, my brothers and I had a very challenging childhood. And so, now as a new mom, I have a five-year-old and a 10-month-old.

4:14 And they're six days and five years apart. So, they're in January, both of their birthdays are coming up. And it's healing in so many ways because I get to do the things. I get to provide the childhood that I wish that I had and be the parent that I wish that I had as a little girl. But it's also once again I've never seen what it should look like. So there's a lot of I think so many parents feel this way of just trying to figure this out as we go. And I think that that's why you're such an important resource.

4:45 >> Oh my goodness. So wow. I've never spoken to a congresswoman before. So talk to us a little bit about how you are trying to break patterns. You're trying to bring consciousness into your parenting. And Congress can be pretty challenging. I'm sure you know it's got so much red tape and bureaucracy. How do you personally, if you can be brutally honest, struggle or deal with the challenge of people being pretty unconscious and leading our country sometimes in ways that you may not agree with? I mean, just as a philosophy, how do you deal with those battles, with those challenges?

5:23 >> Yeah, it's a really hard time to be in Congress right now. It's incredibly dysfunctional. You know, I was in the state legislature for 10 years before going to Congress. So, you know, there I was able to work in a bipartisan way, actually pass really impactful pieces of legislation, have really tangible rewards for all of the work that we were doing. And right now, sometimes it can feel like spinning our wheels, but we have some big wins to celebrate. And I think it's looking in the long term of what we can do when we actually work together to solve these problems. But it is very challenging when I'm away from my family, from my two boys and going to a place where what we're doing is so misguided, >> right? It is kind of like another dysfunctional family system, right? You know, mommy and daddy are >> I haven't left it behind me.

6:16 >> You haven't left it behind you. We never really can because I think all of us are looking for that daddy, that mommy to step in and we're waiting for that. And I think when many of us come from these families where we really did not have a mom and dad, you know, then that can reignite that trauma. So kudos to you for putting yourself in another dysfunctional system and trying to bring beauty to it, right? That's what you're trying to do.

6:43 >> Yeah. I think something that saved me from not going down the path that my mom did was having dreams about caring about the world, wanting to, you know, my fulfillment is giving back. And so I think that, you know, this public service can be very dysfunctional, but the rewards for some of the change and impact you can make in people's lives are most of the time worth it. >> So you grew up with this mother who was going through her own trauma. She got addicted. You know, no one wants to be an addict. Okay, >> let's just put it out there. No one wants this kind of life. Her own trauma, the way her brain reacted to the medication first and then she transferred to heroin is something that I'm sure she never even predicted or imagined would have happened. But regardless, the impact on you and your brother has been tremendous. So if you now retrospectively had to look back on what it did to your child brain and what kind of coping strategies you developed, some helpful, some not so helpful, what would you say those were? When I learned about the different roles that family members play when they have somebody struggling with addiction, there were multiple characters that people take on.

8:01 And I'll never forget the one where it was this little girl and she's making dinner. She's on the phone. She's taking care of the baby and you know doing 20 things. And I think that I've always tried to be the person to pull it together to you know make things work no matter what. And also working all the time. So my two boys definitely you know it was survival because I made such little money. I could not pay my bills without working all the time. But it was also the way in which I dealt with my trauma was being a workaholic. And you know my two boys for the first time in my life they make me have moments where I'm not working because I can't and where you know I get to be with them and be present and so they've kind of forced boundaries on me. Of course it's still taking care of kids. It's not like it's time off or anything, but my life is exponentially better because of my kids.

8:59 >> Wow. So, what I hear you saying is that in these traumatic family systems, most of us take on these roles, right? One becomes the comedian, one becomes the rebel, one becomes the dysfunctional one, and one of us, typically the good girl, becomes the parentified daughter. That's what you became. You became the parent at a very young age when you should not have been forced to take on all these duties but you filled the void. There was no parent and you stepped in and doing and because you're a good doer, you're very good at it and very competent, you just became this very high functioning leader of your family and now you're in Congress and this is definitely something that has given you solace. But do you see how it's also been a trauma response? Yeah, I mean I think the need to, you know, show that I am also capable of especially it's not even from the family I come from. It's also being a younger woman who's constantly overlooked, talked down to, you know, underestimated. I would have men that would be hired above me and they would say, you know, do what Britney is doing.

10:10 So I would just the proving that I also can do these things. That's all I had to do. Just what I loved about campaigning is I could just do the work. I wouldn't get overlooked for an interview. I would just be able to go and do it. >> Do you feel like the work culture definitely has that toxic patriarchal undertone of women need to know their place and you know in the most subtle or not so subtle ways you are dismissed and not given the same gravitas that a man would be given >> all the time. I mean, one of the most vivid moments was after I was elected as a state representative. I went to a meeting and, you know, with a lobbyist and I had this young man who had just graduated college. This was his second job ever from like showing up at a factory store to, you know, being my aid and he's sitting in this meeting with me and the lobbyist the entire time would talk to him instead of me and as the elected official. And this would happen.

11:11 That was the first moment that was just such a stark example of what it's like to be a young woman in politics. I mean, that continued on throughout meetings and throughout, you name the situation in which, you know, I was always underestimated. It's fascinating, isn't it? And at first, you don't believe it's happening. You think it's, at least that's how I used to be. And I'm a brown woman. I'm an immigrant. I remember the first few times I was both racially and you know the victim of sexism, I couldn't believe it was happening. I thought, "Oh, no, no, no, no. They made a mistake or no, no, no, no. He didn't really mean it." I didn't know I was being victimized in that way. And I had to really step up and name it. And then I began to call it more and more. Wow, that's racism. Wow, that's sexism. But it takes a minute, doesn't it? like you can't almost believe it's happening to you.

12:08 >> Yeah. When you're younger, you take it on, >> right? >> Right. You're like, I guess I am not worthy of this or, you know, I think that as you get older and just recognize and same with family, you know, just how much shame I would hold from where I came from. I remember when I stepped up to run for office the first time. I mean, the scariest thing I've ever done. Running for Congress was nothing. The first time I stepped in to run for office, can't tell you how many people asked me to run and how long it took me to decide. I showed up to file my paperwork and then immediately went back inside the office and asked for my paperback and then went the next day and gave it right before they closed the door would be locked. And so, you know, stepping in to do something that I really wanted and to not feel that imposttor syndrome that it was something that I was worthy of stepping into somebody with my background in my experiences because you hold that so much from your childhood.

13:10 >> How are you right now with your mother and how is she? Well, so now we just deal with normal family dysfunction because my mom just celebrated eight years in recovery. When I was a state legislator, my mom when she was using heroin and and fentanyl started coming into the supply chain, so it became much less that predictable for how potent it was, she started overdosing at a high rate and begging for help. And so she's saying the words I've been waiting my whole life to hear. And that's when I saw how broken the system was cuz there was nowhere for her to go. In Colorado, we have such terrible behavioral health services because of really restrictive.

13:52 I don't want to get too wonky on policy, but a constitutional law that was passed that limits how much money you can take in and invest back in the state. And it really crippled our investment in our kids. it crippled our ability to invest in, you know, needs like this, behavioral health needs for people that don't have money. And so when I was fighting to save my mom as a state legislator, I had access to the top leading experts and I went through a really complicated process of advocating for my mom and had to get a court order.

14:25 And within that time, she overdosed 20 times that year. And in the last day she went to the hospital, she overdosed three. I knew if she left I would never see her again and got a court order. She was able to have access to the treatment that she desperately needed. And it was residential where she was there in residential treatment then then inpatient treatment. So there's different ladders of treatment and really meeting her where she needed to have that support and then outpatient.

14:55 And after 7 months and getting a job at the place that saved her life where she felt connected and had meaning, my mom was able to start her journey in recovery. So, you know, she came over for Thanksgiving and I say normal dysfunction because now we get to tell her she can't overfeed our dog, things like that. >> Right. Right. >> Wow. What a story. >> She's part of our life. and you know coming to my kids' birthdays and just being there having my mom here which is truly a miracle.

15:27 >> Incredible. And looking at her story as a daughter, as a congresswoman, as a successful woman, you know, do you see her addiction as a desperate cry for connection and being seen and her own unworthiness? And what was her story? if you can share whatever you can with her dignity intact. That led her so other people going through it can connect the dots, you know. >> Yeah. We were in a documentary that kind of followed some stories to show uh the hope that we can have around people who are struggling and not just, you know, the fear-mongering that we usually see on TV. And something that resonated with me was when somebody said the opposite of addiction is connection. And I mean so much of it it was her brain disease and it's a medical condition and getting the medical care that she needed but it was also that connection to her family and the connection to her job and giving back and helping people like her that are struggling and all the ways that my mom opened her heart again and was able to start her healing process. And my mom, she has been through unbelievable abuse and trauma from her dad sexually abusing her as a kid. These are the things I mean, nobody shows up as a heroin addict. It's not like these are people who have deep trauma. Horrific things happened to them and find a way that where they don't feel pain anymore when they're using these substances. And and that was definitely the case for my mom. And I think, you know, as a kid, it breaks my heart when I see kids who really hold on to the trauma that I understand the feeling that your parent is choosing addiction over you and that you're not loved. And that is definitely not the case.

17:22 >> No. No. And I'm so glad that you can be a voice for other addicts because most people stigmatize addiction and the addict ends up feeling so shamed and judged and vilified as if it's their choice. Right. And here you are bringing such a compassionate view. We're going to take a quick break now, but don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. More with Congresswoman Brittney Patterson. is addiction reform. I mean, I think it is one of your passions. Can you talk about that a little bit for people? When I first started running for office, I mean, it was really the biggest priority for me, and it's still a top priority is what we're doing to support our kids and give them the best chance at success.

18:07 And I'm an example of what's possible when we actually invest in each other. And no matter what family I came from, I was able to walk down the street to an amazing school and had people that believed in me. And I still tear up when I think about my teachers. I told myself I wasn't going to cry talking to you. [laughter] >> But what we do when we pay a small percentage of our salaries or our earnings and we invest back in each other. And I think, you know, that's a top priority for me. But when I was in the legislature, I didn't want to work on addiction policy. My mom was still very much in the thick of her addiction.

18:52 It was I kept her at an arms length. You know, I spent my childhood trying to think that I could save her, that I could hide her pills, I could hide her alcohol, I could clean the house, I could do whatever I could to try to save my mom. And of course, none of that worked because that's not what she needed. She needed real help and I didn't know what to do as a kid. So, I kept her at an arms length for survival and loved my mom but couldn't have her close to me. So, when I was in the legislature, I definitely did not plan on working on these issues because I thought if I can't save my mom, how can I save anybody else? It was through that journey of seeing those policy failures.

19:36 You know, the year that I was trying to get her care, the state of Colorado and the federal government spent over a million dollars in the ER because my mom was overdosing. And one of those ER visits, she was on the wait list for just three days of detox. in the day she was supposed to go to that the only thing that was covered in Colorado. Instead of going there, she was sent across the street to the ER where her bill was over $300,000.

20:03 We didn't know if she was going to survive it. And so I just saw these policy failures. Not only is it morally incomprehensible that we let people die and stigmatize them and don't treat this as the medical condition that it is, but that we spend exponentially more money in doing the worst thing possible, which is just, you know, sending them in the ER until we ultimately lose them unnecessarily. So, it was seeing firsthand those policy failures, telling my story, and bringing along advocates on both sides of the aisle to support the reform that we needed. It's difficult because what was just passed at the federal level is going to dismantle everything that we did in Colorado. It is hard to take, but I know that the lives that we saved will always be worth it.

20:52 >> Wow. Well, you know, it's such a moving example of how we can turn our pain into purpose. >> Even though I'm still crying. >> No, but that's real. That's why our country is the way it is because we stop feeling. And we need people like you in government who are still very connected to their heart and put human life before all ego, before all allegiance. And people like you are putting pain and the treatment of pain at the forefront of your service. And you look at your work as service, not as a ego trip for yourself. And so what an incredible example you are as a woman, as a mother, healer, as a person who has survived and done all the work yourself. You know firsthand how your mother became an addict because of her own childhood trauma. So you're bringing this traumab based approach to your reform. So what better than that? And and it is difficult because other people operate from pure ego and wanting votes not really about the care of the person that is struggling. So wow. One more thing I think you can help us with is working mothers have it so hard because we want to work. We want to create an impact but then we are also the one our children turn to. And yes, fathers are amazing and they should be involved, but really at the end of the day, our children somehow kind of know that we mothers are the ones. So, how do you deal with your own guilt, your own struggle? How do you do it all? As a perfectionist, I have come to embrace good enough in my life, especially in this work. And good enough for me is still doing great in this position and you know really have an amazing team and doing everything we can to support our community but being able to I mean you could work never sleep and you could work every minute of the day and it would still you could do more because that's what these positions are.

22:58 And so I think that for me it's setting boundaries on really showing up for the community, trying to provide the legislative fixes that I think we need to prioritize at the federal level and then being able to step away when my kids are out of school or, you know, taking them. They're on the road with me. They come to lots of campaign events with me. they come. Davis has gone on, my 5-year-old has gone on many rural tours with me throughout the pictures of him with hard hats and everything else.

23:28 I think some good advice that I got early on was, don't make your life built around them. Bring them into your life. And there's no other option when this job demands so much of your time and your heart and your dedication. And I want my kids to see what I do and be a part of that. But I definitely struggle with guilt, especially like all parents, even a bigger level of guilt for women. But trying to do my job well and then also worrying about what I'm missing with my kids. And I'm the 13th voting member in the history of the United States to give birth while serving in Congress. So this is not something that happens often. Our system was not set up for women. It wasn't set up for women with kids. and is incredibly challenging to navigate. We're just figuring it out every step of the way. My husband's very supportive and we try to navigate it, you know, taking on different leading roles depending on when I'm in DC, when I'm home, trying to give him a break.

24:33 But I think like all parents, I worry. I want to make the best choice for me and my path and feeling fulfilled in my career and trying to do the best that I can to fight for their future. I mean, I think stakes couldn't be higher right now. I know that this isn't a political podcast, but when I said to my 5-year-old, I said, you know, he was upset that I was going to Washington, and I said, "Do you think that mommy should consider, you know, doing something different so that I don't have to leave when I go to Washington?" And he sat there quietly for a minute and he said, "No, mom, because then Donald Trump wins." It just, you know, like he had to like think about it. He like feels bended. He cares about the work that I'm doing through the conversations that we have even at five.

25:19 >> That's incredible. You know, your story is so rich with every aspect that goes into, you know, creating this phoenix that you are. You came from a dysfunctional family. You watched your mother be a heroin addict. You had to help her. You are super successful. You are a working mother in Congress. I mean, you literally have every aspect of a life story that should be documented, but what I admire the most about you is your capacity to be so raw, so vulnerable, and just show up as a mom.

25:56 So, thank you for sharing your story with us. >> Oh, thank you so much for having me and supporting other moms and parents throughout the country that need you. >> Wow, what an incredible woman she is. I'm sure many of you listening have been inspired by her story and maybe many of you will relate to the struggles of being a working mother. It's not easy, is it? Well, I'm sure you enjoyed that conversation. Thank you so much for tuning in and I will see you on the next episode of Parenting and You with me, Dr. Chafali.

26:30 Parenting and You with Dr. Chafali [music] is for educational andformational purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for professional medical, psychological, psychotherrapeutic, coaching, health care, or other qualified professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.