Let’s talk about beauty!

0:01 hello hello come on in book club number 14. let's do this we're talking about my book of radical awakening come come come come let's do this hi guys i am so excited so happy to be with you a radical awakening is spreading i don't know how but it is i wrote to my publisher yesterday i said what is happening

0:31 how come the book is spreading i'm not doing anything much and he's like i love it when that happens it is spreading of course you can join luminous the doors are opening anyway so you can write to us and join i have a women's community called luminous and if you want to join my women's community join us so a radical awakening so today i have come to you without any makeup like nothing nothing nothing and uncombed hair for a

1:01 reason and a lopsided bad ponytail look not even combed for a reason god forbid i just show up like that no it's premeditated so i was i was really hot today because it's hot in in new york and i went on a run and i went for a shower and i just did my hair like this and then i thought to myself no i can't go like this on my life because i'm going on a life

1:28 and then i thought about how we women have to go through one big bloody production to go live so today i was like eff it i'm just going to go like this as myself now will i always come like this no but there's a reason i am like this because in my book that you should buy i deconstruct the whole idea of it's 94 today yes the whole idea

1:59 around beauty part 4 chapter 17. now if you're a woman out there and you want to lie that you're not affected by the institution of beauty go ahead i'm not going to lie it is a bloody pain in the neck okay it is in all our heads it is in our heads this whole idea of beauty yes or no and men don't have it like we do we

2:30 oh my goodness the first thing we ask each other when there's a big something what are you wearing have you seen the guys i was at a beach recently okay guys over the age of 30 but we women we're stunning but we are made conscious of how we look right so culture does it to us and then we do it to ourselves and can i just say do you know how many of you women write to me

2:57 are those you realize are those your real lips as if i have lips are those you're real whatever whatever is that your real hair here this is all my hair i hate combing my hair so i'm getting bombarded oh dr shafali doesn't speak something doesn't whatever she's fake i'm sure she's done plastic surgery i'm sure she's done this i'm sure she's got a facelift i'm sure she's put fillers i'm sure she's done this and non-stop projection by women

3:28 so first and foremost who does it the worst the first perpetrators of the beauty culture and the beauty malevolent institution is the woman herself to herself the woman herself to herself is the biggest perpetrator the second act of violence we do is woman to woman sister to sister the third act is by culture

4:01 and then the fourth act is by some man in your life the man in your life is let me find a beautiful way of saying this i can't the man in your life well i'm going to say beautifully okay is not very invested in how long your lashes are or how high your heels are or whether you are wearing a clean t-shirt or you have a nice strapless bra

4:34 the men in your life for the most part unless he's a super super metrosexual guy is not looking at that they're looking at other things only okay so we don't dress up for the men in our lives they will all tell you we're not dressing up for them for them we're first dressing up for ourselves apparently the first biggest critic is our own internal bloody incessant critic tape about ourselves nobody is

5:04 looking behind my earlobe but me nobody is looking at this buttani and this and this and this but me you're the same way if you're a woman you know that you are your worst critic so first understand you are your worst critic okay next and this is where it upsets me very much because i'm oh i've also done it so i'm going to own that i've also done it

5:35 who is the meanest to us guys we women we're not nice to each other and i stopped doing it as much i think i've stopped but i don't want to act holier than thou you know i have a i have a perversion for acting holier than thou i hate to put myself on some pedestal but i'll tell you when i stopped when i began seeing the the projection on me i was like man these women are so mean

6:06 you know young women are so mean those are real eyes i'm like yes these are my real eyes like and then they're commenting on my bloody every part of my body yes you women so women let's not do this to each other we need to take a pledge of sorrow sisterhood okay we cannot be mean to each other we are dressing up for each other you know the men are not paying attention the men are not paying attention about

6:36 your louboutins they don't give a [ __ ] okay we're doing it for each other we want to compete with each other what are we doing why are we competing with each other when we see a beautiful woman the first thing we say is oh she looks [ __ ] huh no she doesn't look [ __ ] we're like she's so arrogant huh no she's not arrogant she's beautiful period we have to say something oh you know people look at me all the

7:04 time oh she's pretty fake eyes oh she's pretty fake boobs what just say she's pretty period or don't say anything right but we do this to each other you know you do it when you see a gorgeous woman you're like oh she looks like a [ __ ] no she doesn't we just put it on them no so this is um uh my daughter is asking me a question um so we need to see how we persecute each

7:37 other okay so men you're right men are very objectifying they they rate us right they rate us constantly um about they say you're that that chick is a two and a ten but we don't we shouldn't pay attention we shouldn't listen to them they're just primitive we should take it in yes men need to stop numbering us and if anything we can number them back but i think it's so stupid right

8:08 but forget the men like at the end of the day we women know we don't really pay attention so much to the men we are competing with each other yes to get the whoever our lover's attention is if we're gay it's another same gender if it's heterosexual it's the men right so at the end of the day we're competing with each other to get up on the on the pedestal and we need to stop that

8:39 we need to give we need to raise each other up when when the woman comes looking plain we need to tell them you're stunning you're beautiful when they are looking made up we need to say they're standing beautiful we need to stop focusing on the look we need to focus on women's hearts on their their effort how they wake up in the morning to take their kids to school and

9:09 and congratulate them for even getting there that's what we need to do we need to raise each other up let's in our own lives pledge okay as much as possible do not comment on a woman's looks you know i come from india and i swear to you if you're indian or come from a culture like mine they think people think it's their job to comment on every part of your body oh your hair is looking so dry oh you're

9:41 looking a little old you're looking a little tired oh have you put on weight i'm like you freaking bloody bullshitters like do i ask you who you slept with last night like what is this an inquisition okay so now when i go meet people i tell them right when they see me i go no comments on my looks do not comment good or bad i don't want to comment because this over excessive

10:12 emphasis on a woman's looks drives us crazy we women then internalize it and we take it within ourselves and then we oppress ourselves good for you i she says i legitimately could care less how a woman shows up i just want to hang out and make memories beautiful so hydrate and stay in your lane just say i don't care yeah you have to stop people and push

10:43 them back in their lane because they the culture needs to change the culture needs to change so we women need to check others when we're being [ __ ] to each other we need to check ourselves when we're being [ __ ] to ourselves and we need to stop going nuts now everyone wants to look nice a little bit of course put a little red lipstick put a little mascara comb your

11:13 hair once in a while but we cannot go crazy right we need to be okay like this we need to be okay looking dressed up we cannot go crazy right and we try to stay away from the body you know even when you compliment women it puts pressure on women we try to just tell your girlfriends this is what i try to do you're beautiful i'm not gonna say it done i don't want to comment on your

11:43 look so that you feel free to come into my home any which way you like so we need to break we need to break this beauty addiction and listen we all have it we all grew up with it every day i have to train myself do not be mean to yourself do not persecute yourself if i eat cake i persecute myself oh tomorrow i'll go on a diet okay this is only my only only today

12:15 and i go what is wrong with you just eat the freaking cake we have such body issues because we've been conditioned and we take it inside we've oppressed ourselves so in my book a wrap by the way guys this is not some free book reading okay go buy the damn book that's what i say buy the damn book so in part four it's called cracking the matrix chapter 17.

12:47 let's go to chapter 17 and let's see what i said about cracking the beauty matrix the lies about beauty and youth we believe that our youth should be preserved like jam in a jar our skin should say smooth like whipped cream our body is forever flexible like an acrobatic wonder our hair is shiny like the finest drape

13:18 draped silk clinging to the beauty standard we stop living in beauty buy the book support independent bookstores clinging to the beauty standard we stop living in beauty by the damn book yes so think about that clinging to the beauty standard we stop living in beauty i can tell you i spend many a day in my 20s

13:49 in my 30s and even in my 40s clinging to the beauty standard and not living in beauty and now i'm at the end of my 40s and now i can say well f that i can say it five out of seven days it's hard i don't pretend like i don't succumb say oh look at this look at that look at this look at that i i don't pretend to be holier than thou

14:20 but i constantly am working on it in myself constantly saying to myself really how much beauty where is your sense of worth why is your sense of worth tied to this and i keep challenging my conditioning so i don't tie my sense of worth to beauty catalina says your book is releasing releasing me from the some chains i was locked into feeling free yes that's what this book will do

14:53 so here i write i don't think i have known a woman who has consistently declared i am really happy with how i look and wouldn't change a thing about my appearance said no woman ever ever ever isn't that telling i right almost tragic it's so common to be down on ourselves for our looks that we don't even question the ubiquity of it right how many women do you meet you tell them oh nice outfit

15:23 they're like oh i just got it at target huh just say thank you i had to train myself to just say thank you right how many women do you know when you say oh you're looking so pretty they go really i've been so tired really i've been so eating so much really i've put on so much weight shut up say thank you thank you thank you it took me years to say thank you i was pathetic

15:49 oh really you know i couldn't take a compliment because i was so uncomfortable when i wanted compliments more than anything in my 20s but i couldn't take a compliment i had to train myself say thank you and shut up shut up thank you and then for years i should say thank you you too you look much better you look amazing i love your shoes no just say thank you

16:20 thank you give her a compliment later she gave you a compliment say thank you finish don't make a big deal out of it um i write external pressures show up in all sorts of ways but none so severe i don't know if you take this uh if you take this to be true tell me okay what you think this is what i write okay external pressures show up in all sorts of ways but none so severe for women as those

16:50 from the beauty industry do you think that's true or do you think motherhood is worse motherhood is the next chapter whether we directly succumb to it or not we are all mired to in it to one degree or another culture has made us base our worth a bloody worth on the flawlessness of our complexion the size zero of our body every woman knows that and our eternal youth

17:21 who wants to live their whole life eating salads really cut in a toxic pattern of endlessly competing with other women we are stuck in the lair of comparing ourselves to them so i don't know about you but i don't watch tv i barely watch netflix i don't buy magazines all the bad habits i used to have in my 30s i stopped because i don't want to watch artificial reality i don't want to watch made-up people that invariably i will

17:54 succumb to comparing myself to so i just don't pick up but in my 30s i used to watch award shows i used to watch tv i used to pick up magazines and insidiously feel shitty about myself so i just realized i'm not buying into this culture anymore and now our daughters are buying into it and they're gonna have to go through this whole thing of deconstructing i hate how i compare myself somebody said yes how many of you

18:24 compare yourself and don't you hate it don't you hate it but we all want to look like that how many of you have a serum collection or cream collection like a chemist i do i buy all the anti-aging serums i can succumb nine times out of ten the tenth one i buy and then once instagram and facebook knows that you're buying serums anti-aging for old women it's full of your in your feed

18:55 bloody no news no papers no magazines yes that's healthy living so the thing is not to annihilate it in yourself it's you cannot be uh completely a monk okay i'm not saying to be a monk so sometimes when people see me in heels they're like oh dr shefali doesn't follow her teachings i said when did i say i want to be a monk all i'm saying is how to live in this

19:25 world this form-based world without becoming obsessed with it right i'm not a monk i don't want to be a monk i like to wear red lipstick once in a while i like to wear my strapless you know little cute dress once in a while sure they're not dichotomies i teach how do we be our best cells happy in our bodies and live in this world right i'm not saying to divest from the world i'm saying live here

19:56 with deconstruction with discernment love this world go go get a massage go get your nails go get you do what you want to do but choose it little bit wisely don't go overboard don't get obsessed keep your wrinkles some of them at least don't comb your hair every day like there needs to be a healthy middle way once a week eat everything you want you know but the

20:29 other days exercise the other days be healthy but you are in this world so i'm never saying be a monk and be completely pious sometimes dress up but don't get obsessed with it and don't mistake it don't mistake it for your sense of worth you know the other day i met a woman who had like a like a frown line here like a really like a strong frown line and she's like i really want to get rid

20:57 of it i said get if you really want to get rid of it and it's bothering you so much sit with it and after a few months go freaking get rid of it let go you know but i don't i don't believe in like going nuts but think about it use discernment this world is very attractive it is like it's always telling us to buy buy buy buy have a healthy distance have clear strategies like i don't watch tv i don't buy

21:28 magazines i will watch very little netflix i don't watch award shows because i don't want to get trapped in this comparison game so know what your traps are like an alcoholic stays away from the from the bar stay away know what your internal criticism sounds like and work on it you know i have loads of cellulite okay but i am proud of it now in my 30s i wanted to hide it i wanted it sucked out you know like give me a

21:59 machine to suck it up please i would have done it but now i'm like i show everybody i'm like this is my jiggle jiggle cellulite right you have to accept parts of yourself a little bit you can change you know curl your hair get light lashes whatever but fundamentally nobody is perfect nobody is the model right you can't take the eyebrows from this one and the thighs from this one and the butt from this one and many

22:28 people in media are trying to get the perfect body and that is so unrealistic right the eyebrows have to be tattooed the lashes have to be the implants of the cheeks like everything do we need to be perfect in everything can we have something human right i understand one part of your body that bothers you okay but every freaking part of your body has to be perfect no that is a manic delusion okay that is a mental illness so if you

23:00 are out there who criticizing yourself i don't have a good waist i don't have a good butt i don't have good knees i don't have good ankles i don't have good earlobes i don't have good chin i don't have a good job okay you need to no no that is not allowed you cannot expect yourself to be some some photoshop version of a woman you can you're allowed to not like one thing about yourself i know what i don't like this year

23:30 choose one thing you don't like about yourself complain about it and maybe go fix it but you are not allowed to not like every part of your body that is not accepting yourself you know you have to learn sorry for lecturing you you don't have to do anything but we as women have to learn to accept ourselves okay it is what it is you know i'm short i don't even think about it i have cellulite i don't even think

23:59 about it i'm like yeah tough you know as if i have some movie star 10 000 boyfriends around me you know it is what it is so i tell myself one thing i'm not allowed to like for the year complain about one thing every year but that's about it the rest has to be embraced right but we women plague ourselves guys we plague ourselves you know and we need to say no done

24:33 not doing this anymore not playing this game anymore i have i have flubby knees i don't but you know if you have flubby knees you have flubby knees who gives a [ __ ] you know the other day i met a woman who had varicose veins i said listen you want to fix it no i said then don't complain finish we're not going to spend our beautiful life bitching and moaning about not being perfect somebody asked where did i get my

25:02 t-shirt this is my t-shirt in my company i will be selling them soon right now they're locked up in a in a basement because of covet but when they're on sale again i'll let you know you can buy this is my t-shirt okay so slaves to the mirror for as long as i can remember oh i'm talking about myself every day when i awakened i looked in the mirror and found fault with my face and body

25:29 this was me back then my eyes zeroed in on my wrinkles and cellulite like this morning this was all i saw wrinkles in cellulite the only difference in the new me versus the old me is that now i manage on most days not to spiral into a vicious self attack and can stay above water so guys we women have a relentless inner critic okay why do you think the beauty

26:01 industry is going nuts with us right fake lashes eyebrow tattoos lip tattoos fillers you know who's this woman this actress justine bateman she has written a book i think on the face how much junk we want to do to this little real estate just this right only women men are not doing that men are not looking at their faces

26:31 bloody they're not looking at their hair bloody they're not looking at their punches why are we doing it to ourselves so we have to say you don't like me sia i'm not going to i'm not going to drive myself nuts i'll do what i want to do but i'm not driving myself nuts so you need to make that that declaration you need to make that commitment okay button plans hip implants boob implants

27:03 okay if you want to do it and it makes you happy okay but there has to be a stop button it cannot be everything when somebody wants to have everything that's a sickness okay that is a sickness it's like wanting to eat every dish every day cannot do it right women are taking out their ribs right now to have a like a little waste for whom who are we doing this for who you have to ask why am i doing this

27:34 who am i doing it for why am i torturing myself the day is beautiful the sky is blue the moment is now why am i wasting my time a little bit i understand okay we have to succumb a little bit okay we live in culture but one one year one criticism that's my my thing for this year i know what i'm upset about but every year i can [ __ ] about something about myself but that's about

28:00 it it cannot be more so this is it okay um so let me see um the colonization of beauty i talk about the colonization of beauty there is a standard of beauty that has colonized the world at large it hyper focuses on white skin young skinny bodies light eyes and blonde hair sorry the preferred shape of the body

28:33 has gone through many iterations over time some decades preferring flat-chested bony bodies with other decades showing proclivities for buxim and curvy bodies regardless the skin needs to be light the lighter the better and the younger the better the standard of beauty has plagued women young and old crucifying us with its unrelenting parameters so guys as women we need

29:04 to step up we need to decide for ourselves if we are going to be colonized by beauty by the beauty standard or not the real colonization occurs in our minds the the the colonizer of the today is in our mind we are our own beauty colonizers so each woman each woman for herself needs to decide what where and how and

29:37 let it go the rest she must accept a constant plaguing of internal criticism is going to destroy us so we women need to step up for ourselves and go no more i am not going to do it i understand there's a standard i'm so sorry i don't meet the standard well f the standard i am going to love myself because i have one body one life one moment one now so i can choose not to like one thing about myself

30:08 but i'm refusing to not like more than one thing the rest i will accept i will accept who i am because this is who i am i'm so sorry for you i don't meet the standard i don't care this is who i am so accepting that right and it takes work listen i've had to work on it every woman it doesn't matter how she looks trust me every woman has had to work on it i work

30:32 on it daily i work on it daily work on it daily do not let your internal colonizer get the better of you bye guys