Handling Temper Tantrums - Conscious Discipline Skills

0:11 Welcome to Conscious Clips on our time together. Today we're going to talk about temper tantrums. Now there's a number of reasons children have temper tantrums: First, they're very developmentally normal for children up to three years of age. And young children at that time, they're going to have a temper tantrum from an urgent need that is not met or when they're tired, hungry bored, or frustrated. Older children over the age of three have temper tantrums for different reasons.

0:44 Generally they have them because they have been given into, they've had a tantrum earlier in their life and it's worked for them so they continued that skill as a strategy of getting their way. They have one for unrealistic expectations of parents, inappropriate discipline that's a little bit too punitive or too permissive and also when they are fatigued they will do that, and the last one is when they've had too much stress in their life. Those of you who have had children, maybe one or more children, you might say, "Well how come one child has more temper tantrums than another?"

1:16 Well this is based on a number of things: First, it is based on the temperament of the child. Some kids are just born easy temperament, they're easy to regulate, they go to sleep well, they eat well, they're just very easy children. Other children are born with a very difficult temperament, it's hard to soothe them, they're finicky eaters, they're finicky sleepers, when they get upset they can't calm as easily as other children, and the last one again a stressors.

1:41 Inconsistent routines, inappropriate discipline, unrealistic expectations, divorce, child-care, death in the family, depression. All these things will affect the amount, number and intensity of tantrums that children will have. So how best can we respond to temper tantrums? The first thing I want you to hear and I want you to hear it very, very clearly is there's no right way to do it. Different things will be appropriate for different children. But in general, these are some strategies that will be helpful: The first thing to understand is temper tantrums are a non-verbal communication. We all recognize them. The face is red, they're wailing, the arms are going, they're holding their breath, they're screaming.

2:24 We recognize a temper tantrum. So what are they trying to say? Generally they're going to say "I'm overwhelmed. I can't handle this." The second one is "I'm trying a strategy that worked last time and I'm wondering if it's gonna work this time 'cause you gave in last time so all I got to do is scream and shout, long enough, hard enough, and ultimately I'm going to get what I want." So one its developmental I'm overwhelmed, and two you've taught the child to have these tantrums.

2:56 So we respond to these almost in similar ways: The first thing to do is to unhook ourselves. So again we're going to be a S.T.A.R., we're not going to get triggered, we're going to take a deep breath and we're going to calm ourselves. Sometimes just calming ourselves puts some calming energy around the child. The second thing we're going to do is it we're going to offer empathy and we're going to start with the body. Your arms are going like this, your face is like this, your body's telling me I feel so frustrated. So I'm going to say those words again so you can get them: Your arms are going like this, your face is all scrunched up, your body is telling me I really wanted to watch this or I am so tired, whatever your best guess is.

3:48 And from that situation then, you're going to actually just leave the child alone if that seems what would be best for them or you going to pick the child up, put them to your body and say nothing but breathe at first and then you're going to say "You're safe, you can handle this, I've got you. You're safe, you can handle this, I've got you." Once the temper tantrum is over, whatever the original trigger was, the child does not get out of anything. If they threw a fit about taking their fork to the sink, once the temper tantrum is over, give them a choice, "You can carry the fork over in this hand or you can carry the fork in this hand to the sink. Which is best with you?"

4:35 If it was about wearing blue pants as opposed to green pants, once it's over there gonna put the green pants on, just give them a choice, "Do you want to put them on when sitting on the floor, or would it be easier to stand up and put your pants on?" The temper tantrum does not allow a child to get out doing something. So why not just let the child flop around on the floor like a fish outta water and ignore quote the bad behavior? We want to offer empathy, we want to offer breathing because it's gonna help the child learn how to get from the lower centers of their brain to the higher centers of their brain and we're providing that methodology, and internalize it in the child that they can use the rest of their life.

5:21 So here's your homework: When you see a child in a grocery store and it's not even yours, here's what you can practice, just breathe and wish that child well in that family. Put some calmness into the energy as opposed to "What the heck are they doing?" Add your calmness to the situation. If it's your own child, unhook, do not take it personally, take some breath add some calmness to the chaos with your own energetic being. Say to the child, "Oh, your hands, your feet are going like this, your face looks like this, your body's telling me this was just, I'm just so tired and so hungry."

6:00 And then depending on the temperament of the child you're either going to leave them alone, give them some space, or you're going to scoop them up and put them on your chest, relax and say, "You're safe, you're safe, I've got you, you can handle this." And then once the temper tantrum is over they're gonna go back and complete the task that triggered them to begin with. Until next time I wish you well.