Parent Child Connection: From Shutdown to Safety | [Mini-Episode]

0:00 [Music] Welcome to the Connected Families podcast. Hey, what do you guys think of that new music? It's for our theme this month. Not perfect, still super, every family is a hero. And that's you, mom, dad, grandmother, teacher. You guys are those everyday superheroes. But without the cake. And we know that you're juggling a lot. So that's why this month we are doing one micro episode 6 days a week from our discipline that connects course and we are so glad that you are here.

0:36 [Music] Hello friends, Stacy Bellward here. I love our theme. Not perfect still super. Every family a superhero. We're having fun this month. Well, I want you to feel more equipped as parents as you have leaned in closer to this month's mini podcast series that's been fun. It's all from the discipline that connects book and online course. These shorter episodes are designed to give you practical wisdom that you can apply right away, even in the midst of your busy life. I'm sure you're driving right now as you're listening. Well, you're going to get that today because we're going to ask and then answer one question today that came from you, our community. It's about what happens. How should I respond when my child doesn't respond to calming strategies?

1:28 Specifically, the slow, low, and listen. All right. Well, before we dig in, I want to share something exciting. We're just getting started with October fundraising. And here's why that matters. Families everywhere are discovering real hope. Parents who feel stuck and overwhelmed are finding practical tools that work here at Connected Families. They're building deeper connection with their kids and watching their whole family dynamic transform. It's amazing to watch. Well, the table is our community of monthly supporters who make this transformation possible. Your monthly support means that we can say yes when a family needs coaching. We can keep producing podcasts, blog posts, and we can offer scholarships to families who couldn't otherwise access our resources. So, we're looking for just six new people to join the table today. Six people. Six people who believe that connected families can change generations.

2:34 Oh, six. Will you be one of the six today? Tap through to the show notes. Even right now as you listen, you'll get all the information. And I promise signing up is super quick. Okay, I'm excited. Let me bring in connected families certified parent coach, Lori Schaefer. Hi, Lori. >> Hello. >> So glad to have you on. You are a connected family certified parent coach and workshop speaker. You know, this month our theme is not perfect, still super. Every family is a superhero. And I'm guessing way back when you first found connected families. You didn't feel quite like a superhero. What was one of your biggest struggles that you were experiencing back then? Oh, I definitely did not feel like a hero at all in that season. We had um what we felt like successfully raised three children of our own and then we took a exciting step into the world of foster care. and we were able to mentor a teenage girl and then she was able to come into our home and we were able to become her forever family. But I did not know that there was going to be a lot of challenges with that. Um because when you have a child that comes out of a traumatic situation, all of a sudden you need a different set of parenting tools because we were finding that the standard ones were not working for us at all.

4:17 >> And so how did you find connected families? >> We actually found connected families during COVID. I was watching an online um co it was called Hope for the Journey uh with Stephen and Mary Beth uh Chapman >> and they had interviewed Jim and Lynn as part of their conference. So when I got to hear their story, that really intrigued me. And then I Googled connected families and just loved what I was finding and it just really resonated with me that I needed some new tools and it seemed like Jim and Lynn were going to be the ones that were going to be able to equip me with those tools that I needed for this new journey.

5:02 >> Yeah. So good. like what was one of the tools that stood out to you in those early days that just said to you this is where I want to land? >> When I look at the framework and I have to start by asking myself the question what is going on in me right now and then what is it like to be my child? I see that played out with the way Jesus interacted with people when he walked the earth. And so the framework to me was really highlighting that this is the way that Jesus trained the disciples.

5:39 This is the way that Jesus interacted with the sinners, the worst of sinners and maybe the ones that weren't quite as bad of sinners. And the fruit that Jesus had was positive. Lives were changed. People responded in a really great way. And then I began to see that that's how the heavenly father parents me. >> So the connected families framework really ministers to me first >> and helps me embrace the love of the father in a way that is so much deeper than I had understood previously. And then that love is able to flow through me to my children.

6:21 >> Oh Lori, you said it so perfectly, right? is the receiving God's grace and truth for ourselves so that we can pass it on. Well, you dug into all of the content and then you got into the connected families certified parent coach program and then you went through the speaker training track and now you're doing workshops and you're speaking at live events wherever people want. So feel free to tap through to the show notes everybody if you're interested in saying hey children's minister or talk to someone in your school and be like we want to bring Lori to come and speak. That's great. But Lori we're here today because I've asked if you would answer one of the Q&A the questions that a parent sent in to us. And so I'm going to read the question and then we're going to dive into your answer. It's just one. Here it is. Uh, my 4 and 1/2year-old daughter consistently withdraws when I try to discuss her behavior or her attitude.

7:20 Even in calm moments, she refuses eye contact and won't speak to me. While there are occasional breakthroughs, this pattern dominates our interactions. How can I engage with her about important behavioral issues when she's shutting down? Lori, >> yes. I feel like I have walked that scenario several times in my own parenting journey. And the first question that we really have to start with is what is going on in me? Because if I don't take time to really sit with that question myself, then I might be sending a message to my child that I don't intend to send. Like if I'm feeling frustrated with that child and I want to go straight to correction, if I don't deal with my frustration first, I'm not going to get the response I want from my child because my child, even though I might not be verbalizing I'm frustrated with you, they are very aware of our emotional um feelings and they pick up on those emotional cues even though they're not spoken.

8:34 So, they're feeling that tension and we have to focus on connection. And if there's something going on in me and I have not dealt with it and I am not calm and I am not regulated, my child's going to pick up on that and they're going to be resistant to me. Um, I actually had this happen recently when I was watching my granddaughter and grandson for two nights and she's three and she pushed her brother when he got into her toys cuz he's just now crawling. So, he's just now getting into her space and >> wrecking whatever it is she's playing with.

9:16 >> So, I was like, that is not okay to push your brother. And she became very resistant. I was like, "We need to apologize and tell him you're sorry. That's not how we treat each other." And she just melted down. Well, my immediate response was to flip over to my parenting before connected families. And it was, "Well, you're going to go sit in timeout until you're ready to apologize." And then she melted down even more. And I realized in that moment that I was feeling angry. Angry that we couldn't resolve this quickly. Angry that I was clearly not in control of the situation.

9:59 >> Yeah. >> And so I just took a moment of pause going, okay, what does she need most from me right now? And clearly she does not want to be separated from me because she is based on her reaction. And I was like, she knows she's wrong and I think she's feeling ashamed right now. So, I need to regulate and help her regulate so that we can work towards the top of the pyramid, which is resolution. How can we make this right? So instead of putting her in timeout, I grabbed her in my arms, sat her on my lap, and said, "Granny loves you so much, and we're going to sit here together until you're ready to make it right with your brother." And I just came down slow, came down low.

10:57 And um it's I keep telling myself I raised some strong willed kids. So, why am I surprised that I have a strong willed granddaughter? >> And I actually had to keep that up for close to an hour, just remaining calm, waiting until she was calm and just continually reiterating, "You are safe with me. I love you so very much, but no, we're not going to go back to playing until we make things right." And when she calmed down and she was ready to make things right, I didn't have to force her. So that was a win because in the past I would just force my kids into an apology but hadn't reached them at the heart level. And then we were able to talk about ways that addressed the behavior and give her tools so that the next time it happens instead of pushing him down, she can ask for help. And the very next day in the morning when they were playing together, all of a sudden I hear her saying, "Grammy, Grammy, Grammy, help, help.

12:08 He's getting into my toys." >> Oh, so she was using it. >> And she used it. >> Oh. >> And I felt like that was such a huge victory that I wouldn't have seen if I had continued to remain strong. I'm going to break this strong will. But no, I had I used the connected families and I used how can I make her feel safe with me? How can I make her feel unconditionally loved? >> And when she felt that and she felt that it was genuine >> because I was patient. We had nowhere to go. And I think when my kids were little, that was one of my biggest mistakes. I was feeling impatient with the process and I didn't have the time to sit with it until the child was ready. I was like, "No, everything had to be on my terms. It had to be done now and it had to be done my way."

12:59 >> And I'm, as a grandparent, >> as someone with a lot of parenting experience now, I'm realizing, oh, it doesn't have to be that way. And it's hard to be patient because schedules are busy. But that patience paid off in the long run because we weren't having to continually circle around the same behavior over and over and over. >> Yeah. Yeah. Uh I I mean I just want to pull out one thing and that is you know in the question it was around she refuses eye contact won't speak to me.

13:36 It's like this pattern of disconnection and what I heard in your story >> was I'm here with you. I love you no matter what. Let's just sit here together. And I just think what a beautiful picture of that connection. And isn't that what Jesus does for us? That's how we started this podcast. That's what he does, right? He's like, I know you're a mess, Stacy Bellward, but I love you and I am here with you and I'm never going to leave you or forsake you. And I know in parenting that can look different.

14:11 you had your granddaughter who was small and you felt led to sit right there with her the whole time and as they change ages that that might look different what that looks like but what it was was communicating I'm here with you no matter what and I love you no matter what and we can get through this and that's the connection that will grow and open her heart to change >> yes >> and you saw that I love that Lori I just love it >> okay well we just need to wrap up and I need to mention to our listeners, everyone knows we are in a fundraising month and we are working to double the table. That means that we need six monthly donors every single day this month. Lori, this is is it big? Is it a big goal? Or is it a small goal? I don't really know.

15:04 Um but I felt like the Lord put that number on my heart and so we're going with it. So listeners, we need you to join us this month. Lori, we're so grateful that you are here today. Um, let's see. Everybody tap through to the show notes. You can get all the information about Lori, her bio, the link to workshops if you want to consider bringing one of our speakers to your organization this fall or in the coming year. You can also get all the links to tap through, find out all about the table and join us as a monthly donor to support this work, our ministry, which is your ministry, Lori. Isn't it fantastic?

15:51 >> It is fantastic. And I just want to encourage everyone to please join us and consider joining the table and becoming a supporter of connected families. We're seeing firsthand the impact that it's having on families and starting with our own. >> Yeah, that's right. It is. It started with our own and then you get to minister to families one-on-one as a coach and then to big groups in workshops and that blows me away. It's just beautiful impact. All right. Well, we got to go. Thanks for being with us today, Lorie. Thank you for having me, Stacy.

16:27 >> All right. Bye-bye, everybody.