Escape the Comparison Trap

0:01 hello and welcome to a new episode of parenting and you with me Dr shaali let me ask you this are you in a trap a comparison trap where you constantly compare your parenting to other parents or your children your household your cars your everything to others I for many years was stuck in a comparison trap where I const ly thought I just

0:31 wasn't getting it right when I compared myself with others and so many parents and I'm sure you can relate get stuck in these traps over and over either it's about how many activities your kids are in or how beautiful your house is or the neighborhood you live in or the cities you took your children to travel to their last summer vacation it goes on and on and on it's almost as if we parents are constantly pi ing ourselves

1:00 against others in this endless competition well if you are stuck in a comparison trap or ever have been then you're going to get so much out of this episode because I'm going to be helping a few parents here to release the Trap and set themselves free coming up next I'm going to be speaking with a mother who is stuck in her own comparison trap with her ex so many of us parents feel feel insecure when we compare ourselves to

1:33 how other parents are doing it when we compare our children to how other children are fairing I often call it a severe case of comparison nitis and then when you add in say a co-parenting situation with an ex partner and if they're now married and they do things differently in their house then we struggle even more with co-parenting issues comparing one household to the other ah nothing like parenting to get

2:05 us to our most insecure depths is there so I'm going to now be joined by Ashley who is struggling with comparing herself to how her ex and his new partner raise their children welcome Ashley I'm so happy you're here tell us what your struggling with right now hi I'm Ashley and I'm so happy to be here so I am recently divorced in the last several years and my ex recently remarried

2:35 within the last year and my kids are five and nine and so now you know they have two households that look very different and I my concern is from their shoes how this affects with our co-parenting or you know what is my is it my insecurity is it affecting them tell us a little bit more about the insecurity like what's happening in that that house that you feel is not happening in your house so give us a

3:03 picture about exactly what your children may be experiencing differently well just by Nature there's a household of two so they have two parents there are two children I am outnumbered you know I'm one person with two children so there's sort of the parent to Child Time there there's also this you know juggling of schedules with another parent who can swap things you know there's more flow there there's also two incomes in the other house I have one

3:33 income and so things do look different for example they just went on a vacation to Hawaii which is wonderful and I want that for my children so I was genuinely excited that they got that experience I couldn't take them to Hawaii right now that's not something that I can give them so these are some of the the differences between the two households right now oh my goodness I can so understand and relate and this is so

3:59 common so many of us just feel insecure just on a day-to-day basis being mothers and then when you add in all the factors that you've explained I can only imagine how much more insecure we get so let's first tackle the first issue how do children feel when they are being co-p parented in two different households right so here's the thing it's never easy the younger the child the harder the transitions between two

4:29 different parenting Styles two different homes it's never easy so having said that there are things that we can do to make it harder or easier for our children right so the more the parents communicate the more that they don't Trash Talk each other the more that they can coordinate their efforts and show amicability the more the children feel like this is actually a bonus this is not a deficit it's a bonus so we have to

5:02 begin as parents to look at divorce situations or two households as something in more abundance with more bonus rewards than something as less so it depends a lot on us parents how do we look at our divorce situation how do we look at this co-parenting situation because that will frame it for our children and then the second issue you bought up which is I think a deeper issue to do with you and most of us

5:34 caregivers especially single mothers is how do I compare to the other house how does my parenting compare do I feel as if I am equally good enough do my children feel as if what I'm giving them is good enough and now you have this twers house on the other side they seem to be more well off and they have more resources so of course it creates all this angst within us is that what you're

6:06 feeling on a deeper level one thing that I have to my benefit is that I'm a creative person so I'm really good at making something out of nothing which I've done with my kids since they were very little um so we have a great time together like we genuinely have fun yes but these things do come up and and they from their shoes and this is what I'm projecting essentially but from their shoes I imagine that they're seeing

6:34 their mother that's just kind of like you know juggling all these different moving parts and like trying to keep everything rolling and and everybody's needs met and it's a different Dynamic than it would be with a che curent household yes so what's more important is not what they are experiencing but what you are experiencing right so so you are experiencing that you are all over the place you are experiencing that you can't give expensive Vacations so it

7:03 could be lacking you are experiencing that you don't have enough time you see it's easy to project onto our children which is what you're doing but it's also easy to project that more is better right a twers household is better than a oneperson household a wealthier household is better than a not so wealthy household these are easy comparison traps for us to fall into these are comparison traps and if you

7:34 aren't aware that these are pitfalls and traps that are being laid out designed specifically for you to feel crummy then you will keep repeating this pattern and falling into the Trap so let me show you how you can get out of these comparison traps and how you can reclaim your amazing position in your children's life as their one and only mother so number one you're feeling lesser than because you are the only one right you're the

8:05 single parent and you're presuming that two is better than one and here's what I'm going to tell you to shatter this myth that two is better than one one person's Consciousness that is truly present available abundant joyful you know so secure so empowered that light bulb is as bright as a whole rainbow it's like the light bulb saying oh I'm only one light bulb but if that light

8:35 bulb shines with the colors of Joy empowerment security abundance you know present moment presence full of presence Attunement attention that little light bulb that feels it's just you know only got a little light left a little wattage can shine brighter than a rainbow on the other hand if you take 10 light bulbs but they are unconscious they are disempowering they are not so present not so attentive not so creative like

9:06 you say you are then that 10 light bulb wattage is as good as if it was just a tiny Speck of light so it doesn't depend on the number it depends on how brightly we shine with conscious energy empowering energy so you have control over your wattage your wattage of Consciousness look at it that way how high is my wattage of Consciousness today how am I

9:38 shining forth in front of my children how empowered and gleeful and joyful and radiant am I being today you see I always tell parents it takes one person's Consciousness to shift the family we don't need 10 people because 10 unconscious people is worse than one and and one conscious person's energy can transform the family so you have to reclaim that power back I love this so much because I can like feel it in my

10:09 whole body I know it to be true yes it is true you have so much power and you're giving up your power yeah with those comparisons with the comparison traps the second thing I want to tell you and all listeners out there need to pay attention it has been shown through research that the greatest indicator of children's well-being is maternal well-being the mother's energy the mother's happiness

10:40 the mother's sense of worth and I can relate to you because I too went through a divorce and I too experience this sort of comparison oh my goodness she's going to love you know that side more than me and she's going to find that side more fun because my ex-husband is more fun and plays games and loves the things that she loves and who am I and I realized that Not only was I falling into the comparison trap I was dimming

11:07 my light by giving my power to the fun side to the other side and I wasn't owning and celebrating what I was bringing to the table and I'm here to tell you what a mother brings to the table is unmistakable it is irreplaceable and you aren't capitalizing on your bank on your wealth on your currency you have so much going for you all mothers do but we give up our power because you know we get

11:40 triggered into this unworthiness I live in Colorado so we have beautiful mountains everywhere and I love being outside is one of my favorite things in life and so I take the kids out a lot we're out hiking and you know playing in the river and stuff and you know Nature has this amazing ability to bring us into the present and some of my best memories with my children are so simple exactly I feel it in me I feel it the

12:08 whole it's just we're all present it's just Indescribable exactly so don't get seduced by we're going to Hawaii or we're going to Mars or we're building a spaceship or we have diamonds right don't get seduced by the external Trinkets and embellishments and the jewelry of life your children need your indisputable attention and presence that is what is going to make them feel like

12:40 they had a connection with you and we give up that power you see we think that who we are simply can't compare when you look at the mansions that other people have or the big ski trips they take to fancy ski slopes but our children don't need any of that to thrive what they need is a very present empowered joyful and most of all connected parent and that is for free right we have that for free you don't need you don't need fancy

13:12 cars to give them that you don't need fancy vacations to give them that and I think most of us parents forget because the world makes us think that the more you do the more our children will have but that is so false it's really the more you you are and the more you be that the more your children will have I love that it's interesting I was talking to a friend recently about this and and these comparisons and then as we were

13:43 talking I was thinking about said you know I I grew up in I had a wonderful childhood and my parents provided us plenty we went on great trips we did all the things all ski trips and all of this and my favorite memories are not those actually it is like really sort of seemingly benign moments that I remember and like hold so close to my heart and so I want you to remember what were the things that made you feel soothed seen

14:14 understood and validated it was the presence of a very connected attuned parent so that can happen in a dingy Hut in a you know third world poor country or it can happen on the shores of a beautiful beach in Hawaii the outside is not what makes the experience it is the connection two people have within each other that makes the experience right you could put on an ocean sound in a bedroom in a tiny little apartment in

14:47 Colorado and you know soothingly tell your child a story and they will remember that far more than surfing with a surfing teacher in Hawaii so it's the at atmosphere we create with our children in the most ordinary of moments that's what they're going to transport into their adulthood I love that you know it's interesting too when they got back from Hawaii I was asking the kids what their favorite part of the trip was and my 9-year-old daughter I was kind of

15:19 surprised to hear this but after thinking about it not her favorite she said her favorite part of the trip was a friend she made from California exactly it's always about connect ction our children are so simple but we have complicated it in this modern world of parenting the modern world of parenting has taken us so far away from the essential ingredients of a emotionally attuned childhood we have just moved so far filling it with so many Trinkets and

15:49 adornments and schedules and activities that actually disconnect us from our children so the next time you're with your child and your child brings up the other house and oh my goodness they have an amusement park in their backyard or they bought me the most fancy skateboard or fancy bicycle I want you to feel the joy with your children but don't allow it to take you into the comparison trap and I want you to then remember that you

16:21 as a present mother equal if not outweigh all the things that the other can buy so it's not about the purchases it's about your presence that is the immeasurable invaluable gift we give our children yeah oh that's so good I you know it's also we're all inundated so much like with social media and all these things and there is like this it's even subconsciously we're comparing I

16:51 think like I was signing my kids up for summer camps which is a whole other conversation I know a lot of parents go through it's just Madness you have your 5-year-old kayaking and it's like $1,000 a week and like exactly it takes a lot not to get yes mindset of like my my my 5-year-old can't kayak yet exactly so again it's this pressure from the outside world to do do do and have you done this have you done that have you

17:19 tumbled down backwards have you skied from this slope have you visited this Art Museum and we're getting lost in the external doing and the comparisons but I'm here to tell you that children actually Thrive best with Simplicity in the ordinary Quiet Moments of an attuned connected caregiver and the mother the mother the mother is the most essential ingredient here and that's you so don't forget that you have this Irreplaceable

17:50 role in your children's life and capitalize on the fact that your presence is the greatest gift you can give your children yeah love that don't forget now okay don't fall into the Trap yes it's a daily practice I think a daily practice the traps are everywhere they really are they really are thank you Ashley thank you so much thank you I'm sure as you were listening to Ashley's story you too were reminded of

18:20 so many moments in your life where you were triggered into a state of unworthiness where you felt that someone was personally attacking you or maybe your children were rejecting you I hope you could relate to that story and realize that it's not the child or the external event that is really the trigger but sometimes it is our own past wound that makes us walk right into that comparison trap and keeps us stuck there

18:51 joining me next is a mother who's in the throws of her own comparison trap and I will be showing her and you how we can be set free whenever we parent our children it's so natural to compare how they are with us than how they are with our spouses our partners even our mothers or fathers you know we are always trying to see how our children react to others in comparison to US this is a natural

19:21 phenomenon but many times that comparison leads us to feeling really bad about ourselves and we struggle with those feelings of unworthiness and lack that we feel we wonder why are our children so easy with our mothers for example or our husbands or wives why aren't they the same with us well joining me now is zenata zenata is experiencing some of that comparison trap that we're talking about and she's here to discuss her struggles welcome

19:54 Zara tell us about your core struggle that you're having with your daughter and I think it's your husband that you're comparing yourself to isn't it yes thank you for having me Dr shali so yes I have an 11-year-old daughter at night I love her dly and we we have no okay relationship but I have noticed that she does prefer her dad over me a lot me and her dad will get into it sometimes and after an argument she

20:24 would just come to me and tell me how I'm being so mean to her dad and I should be nicer and I feel like every time we get into an argument she always just sees him in this light that where he can do no wrong um there was a time couple of years ago me and her dad found into an argument and she covered a picture of me and her dad she covered my face and left his his face open and I

20:46 asked why and she just said she couldn't believe how how mean I was being I do like that they're close and they have a good relationship but I don't know I think I'm just struggling with how like open she is with him and and not so much with me you know like she'll go to him and just talk about her day and I'm like well how is your day she's like it's fine you know so I think there's a

21:11 little struggle there and you're feeling this sense of Abandonment right like she's so obviously going toward the other parent and kind of ignoring you neglecting you and your old you know little girl self is being triggered you know I know you mentioned to our producers that you never had a daddy in your life so you're really on one hand so happy that she has that relationship but I do think that early abandonment from your own father is being

21:42 retriggered here and every time she quote unquote chooses her father somewhere an old memory is being triggered of not being good enough of being left by your own father and those feelings of Abandonment which is so natural to feel in those moments right and I agree and I I've been following you for so long and before I never really understood what was going on you know I would just get so upset like you know I'm I'm happy that she has a

22:12 relationship with her dad but then why is there like could disconnect with me but then I realized it was a trigger like you mentioned of like the unhealed child in me you know so it's just one thing that I'm working on trying to be more of a conscious parent right yes yes and it's so hard in the moment to realize how our old childhood wounds show up in the present moment because in the present moment it feels so real but

22:40 this is what I teach all parents and for anyone listening right now who's ever experienced this sense of unworthiness or abandonment I remember feeling it in my own parenting when my daughter would choose her father over me I felt like a three-year-old girl feeling like I was not being picked by the popular girls in the school right our abandonment issues are always under the surface and our children are Masters unknowingly to

23:11 trigger them right they can just so quickly trigger Those Old Wounds within us so I'm glad you're becoming aware that in the moment she's not meaning to trigger you but because of your own abandonment issues that's what ends up happening you understand yes so now what do we do about it right now we're conscious but what do we do about it how can we move from a place of disempowerment and almost feeling like a victim like hey I do all this for my

23:43 daughter I'm the one making the food I'm the one waking her up every morning and she just runs to Daddy and he gets all the good fun parts of parenting her and I get all the bad parts of parenting her how can we move from that lack and comparison to a state of empowerment and to a state of Liberation and freedom because you want to be freed of this constant comparison yourself don't you yes it feels like a burden right every

24:13 day to feel jealous is not a fun feeling is it right no it's not so we got to find a way to move past that right because then then when you're jealous I'm sure it shows up in your relationship with her do you think it does and and how do you think it shows up with her in the moment I think maybe it does because then I I act differently you know like I I feel like sometimes

24:35 our relationship is force or Force interactions you know and and it's not it doesn't it never goes smoothly right because now you're kind of rejected right so like a jilted lover in a way or a jilted child you have a little bit of a tantram defense going on because you're protecting your feelings so you can just imagine unconsciously you're now showing up with her with a little bit of an edge you know like if you don't love me then fine I'm not going to

25:03 you know love you either you know a little bit of a childish tantruming kind of Defense that's going on with you and guess what she picks up on it and now she feels rejected in her own way so then she tells you like you've told me before this interview began that she then says mean things to you right and you're wondering why are you being mean because she's picking up on your quote unquote jilted child jilted lover energy

25:30 and she's seeing that you're being mean to her but you're unconscious to it so it's all happening at this unconscious level and mother and daughter are both feeling rejected but you're only aware of your rejection by her you see but in your own way you are rejecting her too yeah you just don't see it right because because you're in a competition only when you get out of the comp competition that you can truly be there for your

26:01 daughter you are stuck in this competition of am I good enough am I as loving as your father do you love me as much you're doing this silent battle within yourself and it is showing up and blocking your connection with your daughter yeah I'm only seeing it from my point of view and not from hers so I think now being aware of it moving forward I can be you know more conscious yes you're getting hurt and it's showing

26:28 up in your relationship because you're creating a defense a protection let me give you a very concrete moment in time in your history with your daughter that you could have changed the script so that next time you can change the script when it shows up when your daughter covered your face right you felt really hurt wow that that is a moment of a rejection I give it to you but because of your own abandonment issues it hurt

26:57 you even more more right she was literally erasing you from the picture and that's how you must have felt your father did to you when he erased you from being in your life right so it was like that exact mirror replay of your childhood trauma so in that moment she covered your picture and she said Mommy you're so mean to my daddy now you felt really hurt your inner child was triggered and you probably in your own

27:26 way retreated from her instead of leaning toward her you see when our children hurt us or trigger us unconsciously and they bring up an old wound in US of us not being good enough then in our own way we reject them so I'm pretty sure Without You realizing you kind of moved away from her instead of toward her and if you were empowered if you were coming from a place of you know joy and abundance and worth you

27:57 would have leaned into to her and said oh I'm sorry that you feel Mommy is being mean to Daddy I'm sorry tell me tell me how you feel that how can mommy help and then she would have felt heard attuned with and understood and she would have opened up to you you see because all she was saying is hey I don't want my one little pet to fight with my other pet she's just talking about two people she loves but because

28:27 of your wounds you took it personally and you kind of moved away from her and this is so common in parenting you're not the only one who does this we're all looking to our children to validate us we're all looking for our children to heal us but that's not what our children are here to do yeah do you see how in that moment it was an opportunity to lean toward her but you leaned away from her because you were hurt yes yes now I

28:57 see that right and there many moments that your daughter is trying to tell you hey come toward me don't take this personally be more for me I need you mommy but she does it in a way that so triggers you that you don't hear her need right you're falling for this comparison trap that we all fall into and this is your opportunity to be free just makes more sense it just has me thinking now on how

29:26 moving forward how I can better our relationship and how I can be there for her you know make her more comfortable her come to me and not be so triggered and really just really try to think of ways that I can heal my inner child she's become her own and nurturing her and supporting her and who she is and not being so harsh I think that's wor what I need to Lear work on so yeah because you you're you're in your own

29:53 unconscious way punishing her for not loving you like you think she loves her father but here's where we as parents need to step in our role and not come to our children with our inner child wounds we need to come to our children with wholeness and abundance and give them what they need and not look for our children to give us what our inner children need right our inner child or children are hungry and we're looking

30:22 for our children to fill that need and this is the most common problem in parenting but here's where you make a shift and instead of coming to your child filled with your need you come to your child to fill their need and that's the shift you need to make so the next time you're triggered you go oh this is my inner child talking my real child doesn't mean to trigger me so how can I step into my role as mother and give her

30:49 what she needs it's this constant reminder to not fall into these comparison traps because the person who falls into the comparison trap is the little inner child within us the full adult the grownup whole self doesn't fall into the comparison trap because they are secure you see yes yes that all makes so much sense and I'm glad we're talking about it because it's really eye opening you know and it like we can all gain our heads and it can really just

31:21 ruin us and just so I'm I'm happy that we're able to talk about this and it it's really it's really beneficial yes yes your child is telling you hey mommy don't take it personally heal yourself I'm not making it about you it's about me and we're just missing the message and we keep being hurt and keep perpetuating the cycle over and over again right and I think I think now is where we can break the generational

31:52 curses right yeah that's so powerful you know your abandonment is showing up in the moment and without you realizing you're repeating the pattern of abandoning your daughter when she most needs you so if you can remember this then you get to break the pattern yes well thank you so much for sharing and I hope that's a good reminder for you in the moment next time your daughter is you know making you feel like you're lesser than

32:21 remember it's not my inner child right now that needs to be in the center it's how I can take care of my real child that needs to be my focus wow yeah I love the put that just being there for her and loving her in ways because you know kids they'll they'll ask for attention or you know your time but not like indirectly you know so just showing up and being present and in the moment I

32:48 think you had an aha that you can now use in your parenting I think something really shifted for you and you began to see that your child is not attacking you it's your own past trauma that's showing up that is a huge Insight that you can use in your parenting so I wish you well and thank you so much for joining me thank you so much for having me bye sweetie bye bye take care I'd like to

33:17 now end this episode with a reminder about what triggers really are you know so many people think that the trigger is on the outside and I always say and as I've explained in my book The Parenting map the trigger is never really on the outside sure it's a thing that sets us off it's something someone says or the way our children behave but the real reason that thing on the outside turns

33:50 into a trigger is because it inflames an old wound inside us so as I write in my book what turns something on the outside into a triggering event an emotional trigger isn't that thing on the outside at all it is how it is interpreted and metabolized internally it is this internal interpretation and Metabolism that is the key the Lynch pin to

34:21 determining whether something on the outside stays neutral or turns into an emotional trigger so remember that as you go forth this week about all the things that trigger you pause turn inward and ask yourself why is this external event or person or circumstance on the outside of me creating such an internal tsunami it's probably because it's triggering an old wound and also

34:54 once you realize how the inside is affecting your external world you will less fall into those comparison traps if you enjoyed listening to this episode don't forget to subscribe and I'll see you on the next parenting and you with me Dr shaali parenting and you with Dr shaali is for educational and informational purposes only it is not intended as a substitute for professional medical

35:25 psychological psychotherapeutic coaching health care or other qualified professional advice diagnosis or treatment