More on love!

0:01 hi guys welcome to book club number 29 come on in we are talking about this book come on in tell me where you're signing in from where are you in the book if you have even read the book and come on in we're going to continue our discussion on love and relationships join me tell me where you're joining me from

0:31 having coffee come on in everyone good to see you chapter 10 in miami you're in chapter 10. you're doing really good arna hai from toronto bee gill has ordered her book thank you thank you soon to start part four buying the book today melissa florida aspen i see you joining in

1:02 track o'neal just got the book yuma arizona just started reading i love it okay so in this book a radical awakening i take you on a path and i take you on a path on several layers of your awareness and your consciousness i take you to your uh to your psychology right and how does one go to one psychology sorry

1:32 there's only one way you have to go back to your childhood crap so i take you there and how your childhood has signatured a very unique way of dealing with the world which i call your faces of the ego we all have them no escaping it and so the sooner you get to recognize yours the better so i do that in the book and then i help you to really break down how your belief systems

2:03 have been marauded abducted by culture and you never really asked how why who really you've never really questioned it so because of our childhood conditioning and then because of our cultural conditioning our own authentic spirit has really been squeezed off its genuine spontaneous joy and we have

2:36 suppressed our truth wondering why we are so unhappy not really understanding why and it's only when you begin to read books like this or listen to teachers or do your own inner work that you begin to have a language as to why on earth you've been suffering right why you've been unhappy why you've been anxious why you've been overeating why you've been in in relationships where you don't feel

3:08 um nurtured you begin to understand you're like oh i get it so this book a radical awakening is really for you to wake up to see why you have been caged in your own dysfunction okay and then i give you a pathway out of it so there's a whole section of this book where it's all about the lies we tell so yesterday i talked about the lies around love if you're interested go to yesterday's

3:39 book club or the last book club to go and understand the lies we've told ourselves about love but i want to continue that today so as i said yesterday this whole idea that you need to go find your soul mate and find love and fall in love and these are ideals that are false there is no such thing as you have to go find your love

4:09 there your love is not going to ever be found because it's not something that occurs from your determination to find it not sure can you go on match.com and like put yourself out there sure but that that's still not going to work if you don't understand what you are about the one you're going to go find is you and until you do enough work on yourself even if you found found the next one

4:41 really fast you would fall into the same patterns again because you haven't yet found you and you're taking another another's childhood pain on your back so this whole idea of falling in love and finding the one all romantic disney ideas that sell a lot of tickets and make a lot of money but they are not about the real way to find love and you know why because the real way to find love is not

5:13 sexy it cannot be finished in a two-hour movie and there is no happy ending it's just a lot of inner work and process and awareness so that's not sexy that doesn't sell movies so i'm here to tell you the truth i'm here to tell you what it is really about that there is no such thing as some magical person out there trust me there isn't because even if there was if you are not your own magical person

5:39 you will f that relationship up so this idea that your one is out there and call in you know get the one imagine the one manifest the one all not going to work if you are not the one for yourself if you are not the one for yourself so understand that culture has sold us this hallmark version of love and that's why we're in dysfunctional

6:11 relationships because we have been sold an idea it's an idea of romance of um happily ever after it's a fantasy and the reason we all want this fantasy is because we all want to just displace all our own inner work onto the relationship now i'm in a relationship so i'm going to blame the relationship the relationship should make me happy he should make me happy she should make me happy the relationship should make me happy you know people come to me saying oh my

6:42 goodness i entered this relationship and i got lost and i always say no my love the relationship didn't lose you you entered the relationship lost the relationship was only a mirror of your lastness don't ever ever have the audacity to blame the relationship you know when you blame the relationship or you blame someone else what this really means is you really have no value in yourself you really think you are not important you really think that you are

7:13 absolutely hapless helpless you know a puppet you really don't realize how much power you have whenever you are in blame of another person or resentment beyond okay i'll give you three days okay you gotta be in blame and resentment for three days okay three days you can be really upset and curse the other out blame the other one blame the relationship blame his mother blame her sister okay no problem but after two three days of blaming someone if you haven't

7:40 realized that it is not them it is not the damn relationship and it is all you you know even if it was an abusive relationship the fact that you stayed in an abusive relationship was you so ultimately it's you so once you realize that it's you and you you give yourself the power that wow you fooled yourself you missed the red flags yourself you'd refuse to see the flag as red even though it was clearly red

8:11 you're like no it's great and if you don't take ownership of your power what you're really saying is that you're not powerful and the relationship is more powerful than you and how can that be no relationship is more powerful than us no other person is more powerful than us no no no no way so when you are stuck in blame and resentment of the other or deep pain over a relationship more than a certain certifiable normal period of time you

8:41 are actually giving your power away you're actually telling yourself oh you're not important he was important she was important it was important no relationship has the power to make you unhappy unless you consent to it you endorse it you allow it right and i'm not talking about bypassing don't bypass if you're in pain have pain but have the right pain the pain of your own unconsciousness don't have the pain of the other's unconsciousness that's deflecting on

9:11 them you know go through the pain don't try to get too happy i'm not talking about that be in pain but be in the right kind of pain the pain where you are seeing the pain of your own pattern where you're seeing the pain of your own unconsciousness that's the right kind of pain most of us have the kind of pain of of just regret or blame or resentment toward the other that's not that pain is not going to

9:37 make you grow that pain is just going to keep you stuck so if you really want to have pain have the right kind of pain so most of our relationships once we wake up we realize were attachment based relationships they were based on craving or chemistry or desire or give or take or transactionality right they were based on possession or need on control on fear basically on your little self

10:09 not your powerful adult self most of us have been in relationship with each other based on each other's five-year-old selves you know and you're like i don't even like your five-year-old self and they're like i don't like yours right we think we are getting into relationships with adults because our eyes do us tricks our unconsciousness does us tricks we are looking for surrogate

10:42 mommy and daddy and out of this dependency and attachment we get blinded and blind sided and blind-sighted and we lose our awareness that we are just in a co-dependent relationship of some sort or the other possession is not love dependency is not love ownership is not love control is not love love is only one thing our capacity to be authentic and our capacity to feel

11:13 free and that permission is not given by the other person or the relationship don't ever give a relationship more voice more power or more credence then you give your own relationship to yourself like i said yesterday you are truly loving the other when every act of love for the other is firmly implanted

11:45 in love for the self so when people say oh dr shivali i love you i know that i am just a mirror of their self-love them loving me is an expression of their their self-love it has nothing to do with me similarly when they say i hate you dr shefali i know it has nothing to do with me it is a reflection of their own relationship with themselves so it is with all human beings when you choose to love someone though

12:15 remember don't love someone else if it's clearly an act of hatred toward yourself because that's [ __ ] love that is total fake love it's a lie love it's nonsense love it's exploitation because if you're exploiting yourself to be loving to the other you're actually exploiting them as well true love toward another cannot emanate in a body that is self-loathing so if you want to truly enter

12:45 your power you have to allow yourself to enter your true self-love and true self love is freedom freedom can never be given through the relationship if your relationship stifled you it's because you stifled you if you gave power to the other person to be your daddy to be your leader to be your whatever big brother it's because you were still in a in a infantile state of psychological and emotional development so you were not grown up yet

13:16 but that's okay we're all like that and with each relationship we grow and with each relationship we begin to take our power back right and then we realize okay i don't even need this relationship and that's okay that's okay because ultimately you're not in a relationship to need the damn person you're in a relationship because it is an act of self-love when you're with the person it is it is making love to yourself when you're with the other person you

13:42 are your own most magical free self only then please be with the other person right otherwise don't do it otherwise just say we are in a transactional relationship i need you okay or we need to we need to stay together for the sake of the family appearance so we need to stay together for the children just own it now i know you can't own it i mean many cannot own it it's hard but please own it to yourself

14:06 at least to yourself you can say and when you look for relationships of whatever gender straight or gay it doesn't matter platonic or romantic or intimate or not make sure you know what kind of relationship you're getting into you can say this relationship is transactional this relationship is intimate this relation you know call it what it this one is possessive this one is controlling this one is dependent and in this relationship i'm five years old in this relationship i'm growing up

14:34 a little bit so that you can on be honest right please don't think that you are talking about true love because true love do you know how hard it is it is virtually impossible to enter a true love relationship why why do i say that because we are not in a true love relationship with ourselves and when you are in an in a true love relationship with yourself then your act of loving the other is an expression

15:02 of self-love so if you are not happy in that relationship and you're not in self-love you cannot be with the other you're like i need to leave because now i am not in an expression of self-love it has nothing to do with the other person so the other person calls you an idiot and a fool and a [ __ ] right suppose right now in the room somebody's here and calls me a stupid [ __ ] idiot okay

15:28 like seriously trying to degrade me or whatever whatever they call me okay um instead of me yelling at them how could you call me stupid idiot [ __ ] how could he do how did it have a big fight in a sulk which i used to do my entire life now i've realized oh i need to go is it an act of self-love if i sit here oh it isn't get your ass up then simple it has

15:56 nothing to do with the other person do you understand nothing to do with the other person so if the other person would like to change or the other person wants to improve then they'll improve and show up in your life you don't have to sit around and wait for them to improve anymore real queens don't wait okay now i know many of us have waited all our lives like begging waiting pleading underlying all the books please

16:23 do you see this don't do it anymore understand that people will not wake up until they want to wake up nobody wakes up even though it's so obvious to you and you're like hello you're so intelligent how can you not put two and two together don't even don't even don't even don't even don't even go there because intelligence has nothing to do with wisdom intelligence has nothing to do with wisdom do you know how long it

16:48 took me to to learn that how much i banged my head but he's so smart but she's so smart but he's so smart and then one day dr shivari told me intelligence has nothing to do with wisdom i was like okay why didn't you say it before so dr shivali told me it's because i thought you were intelligent to figure it out yourself but obviously you're not i so wasn't i really thought smart people were wise people

17:13 like hello now i realize you need intelligence to be wise but intelligence doesn't mean wisdom if you're wise it means you're intelligent but intelligence doesn't mean wisdom so we have a lot of smart people in the world who are utter damn fools okay just sorry just the way it is just the way it is anyway so this idea of love really gets us into trouble and we really think it's about the other person and this is

17:41 what i'm here to debunk today to get it out of your head nothing to do with the other person nothing to do with the relationship so please if the relationship breaks up yeah cry two three days four five days 10 days 20 days okay how much you want to cry after that you got to wake up and go how did i co-create my reality what does this say about me what are my patterns that i need to change

18:10 how did i do this all over again how did i do repeat how amazing am i that i'm so predictable right so you got to you got to ask the right questions yes and then you got to understand what i'm telling you that loving another is only an expression of yourself otherwise get your ass up and leave simple either you're loving yourself or you're hating yourself it has nothing to do with the other person okay for years and years we women

18:42 have been trained to take the [ __ ] to take the [ __ ] because we should compromise we should sacrifice we should keep the family together so all that [ __ ] is all to say hate yourself loathe yourself put yourself last it's all a bunch of [ __ ] i shall now talk beautifully and not use four letter words it is excrement it is defilement

19:13 it is putrescence it is gutter okay so these lies that we women have been told to be lovely to be nice to be this is all really basically lie to yourself [ __ ] yourself don't love yourself right so when when our parents tell us things like but at least he didn't hit you at least he didn't break your arm right i was with a boyfriend once my mother told me at least he wasn't an alcoholic i said

19:40 mom thanks thank you i think i can do a little better i mean not that alcoholics are bad but you know she's like at least he didn't you know rape you i'm like thank you thank you for your vote of confidence right don't you love it when people say that at least he didn't or she didn't steal all your money and your underwear you're like yeah you're right at least they didn't steal my underwear wow i'm really really a good chooser of

20:08 people look i know how to read character wow so yes the bar is set so low so remember that every act of being in a relationship is a mirror of how you treat yourself that's how i think now i don't even wonder about sam samantha michael and jamie i don't even look who it is i ask myself is this an act of self-love or not

20:39 if it's not what the hell are you still doing there why are you having this conversation and then i say to my wife is because i forget i forget all the time that it's not about the other person but they're sitting right in front of me and talking to me how is it not about the other person this is the discipline you have to have this is called wisdom intelligence says they're talking to me it's about them

21:04 wisdom says it's not about them see what a big difference between intelligence and wisdom you're like hello there's somebody talking to me it's about them he's an [ __ ] she's an [ __ ] wisdom says it's not about them you're the [ __ ] for sticking around with the [ __ ] wisdom kicks butt okay i'll just tell you wisdom doesn't give a [ __ ] about your your ego wisdom doesn't care about your

21:35 tears wisdom is going to like slap you spiritually slap you awake and go it is you want the truth or you don't so i always tell my clients like this do you want the truth or do you want me to just cuddle your ego they're like no no i want the truth and when i give the truth they're like okay i said i asked you i asked you if you wanted the truth you said yes you were bullshitting

22:00 they're like yes so the truth is hard you guys so here is a book full of truth i think let me see if there's anything i have misrepresented in this book i think to the degree that i could be bold i was but i will tell you there's some truths i didn't put in this book because my ego said are you crazy don't put more truths this is enough

22:30 so there's some big truths i didn't put in this book what to do but the truths that i'm here all right are correct are spot on so if you want to get a dose of truth go read my book a radical awakening that's what i have for you today guys to debunk the idea of love love is only an expression of the self it is only an indication in a mirror and an echo and a resonance of how

23:00 deeply you honor your own being if you don't honor your own being you never have to be in an abusive relationship in your life ever do you understand and if you have to stay in a marriage because it's abusive remember you can go to the next room you can go to your sister's house you can call the police you can do many things you know we women are trained to be so afraid of confrontation i am

23:30 terrified of conflict believe it or not i'll do anything to like no conflict but i've learned i had to push myself to grow into tolerating the discomfort of conflict you know i was in a phone conversation with three men the other like a year ago on a conference call and one of them didn't want the other one there okay so there are three men and shefali one man said okay so say it's x y and z

23:58 x says you know what i don't want z there in front of z never met them before they i had people on my team coming together for the first time x need y meet z x says i'm not comfortable with z there in front of z and i'm like oh he didn't mean that z he didn't mean that you know maybe i was getting all nervous because i was in my toxic femininity and guess what z told x i

24:26 i can see why you don't want me and why it makes you uncomfortable and i said yeah it really makes me uncomfortable and then why said something and then the three men talked it over and they created some new parameters to stay and z stayed and x was happy and why was happy and i was like what did i just see here women never talk like this they were so comfortable being bold and confrontive they didn't give a [ __ ]

24:50 and you should have seen me on hyperactive overdrive like oh my god oh my god oh my god they're going to hate each other i cannot allow this to happen we have to love each other kumbaya kumbaya we have to get along and the three men negotiated a new dynamic so beautifully and that's how i realize day to day and more each day how men live in a world which we women don't we have been raised

25:15 in toxic femininity to be passive to be weak to be sweet to be mild and to put ourselves last and this is what we take into our love relationships and we allow ourselves to get abused so if you really want to become a free woman grab my book a radical awakening and i will see you in the next book club bye guys be strong be true