0:00 [Music] hello and welcome to the your parenting mojo podcast before we head into our chat with our guest today i wanted to give you a heads up on what's coming in the conversation because i actually didn't even catch the flow of it until i watched it again later and i think you'll get more out of it if you know it's coming my guests today are adriana and tim who are in the parenting membership and when they joined i think it's safe to say

0:30 things were not great in their family they loved their children of course and also they were at the end of their rope adriana had a lot of doubts that things could even be different and whether working with me could possibly be the thing that would make that happen when you're in the parenting membership you can of course ask questions in our private community and because the membership is quite small i'm intimately involved it's not like i'm showing up to

0:54 talk at you a couple of times a month in a video while you're typing in the comments i'm in the community most days responding there and on our group coaching calls you get to talk with me directly if you want to when these questions get posted it's not hard for me to tell when there are a lot of layers to an issue that would be much better addressed in an actual conversation rather than going back and

1:15 forth in the chat so i had a one-on-one consult with adriana and we talked about some of the struggles she was having with her younger child's behavior and she and tim started taking some steps towards meeting more of this child's needs but things really came to a head when adriana posted in the community that her children were tearing each other's hair out on a regular basis and she did not know what to do a whole lot of parents stepped in to

1:40 offer compassion and ideas and the ideas were aligned with what we discussed in our consult but somehow something clicked this time i see that a lot sometimes you need to hear things a few times from a few different people and all of a sudden the penny drops and you're actually able to do something different so first what you hear adriana and tim describe in this conversation is that she started using the tools with their oldest child

2:06 and then the child wanted to use them with tim and that helped them to see some big behavior changes when the child's no longer fighting bedtime because they were able to see and meet his need with some more modeling and practice with the parents and the children each trying to understand and meet each other's needs in difficult moments they were all having one day her children started to do this with each other without adriana saying a

2:31 word they were able to solve their own problems and meet both of their needs without her having to step in as the referee and i wanted to be sure you saw that coming before you go into the conversation because i think so often we see the problem in isolation and what she needed was the solution to getting her children to stop fighting but when she and tim changed the way that they showed up for their children

2:52 their children learned the tools that then enabled them to show up differently for each other the whole thing happened really fast once it got started and it was amazing to see her pose roll in with the successes they were having at navigating conflicts in a way that actually met everyone's needs if you're thinking that maybe you might need some help like this in your own life then come and join adriana and tim and all the other amazing members in our

3:16 parenting membership which is open for enrollment right now you get content each month on a new issue in parenting from raising healthy eaters to navigating screen time to getting on the same page with your co-parent you get access to our private not on facebook community and you can join a small group of peers who meet every week and form a really tight bond as you navigate challenges together every time i talk with a parent about their experience in the membership and

3:41 ask what advice they would have for other members they say how hesitant they were to join one of these groups because they couldn't understand how it would help to meet up with other folks who didn't know any more than they did but they end up counting the other members in their group as their closest friends that they can tell anything to without feeling as if they're going to be judged and we'll meet you exactly where you are

4:04 we have members who have barely even looked at the content and yet find their membership a rewarding fulfilling place to be we'd love to meet you in the membership so if you'd like to learn more you can visit your parentingmojo.com forward slash parenting membership enrollment's open right now until midnight pacific on wednesday may 25th and we will start together on june 1st sliding scale is available too so now let's get into our conversation with adriana and tim welcome to both of

4:32 you it's so great to have you here uh thanks for welcoming us um we live we're a family of four we live in texas um adriana myself uh bodhi and remy is uh our family dynamic bodhi's uh five-year-olds and remy is three she'll be four in september may oh yeah he's september pressure [Laughter] super um

5:03 and that's definitely not going to be a problem at birthday time i can imagine [Laughter] and so what was life like for you two growing up what kinds of backgrounds did you come from i grew up in a big family there was five of us kids um my parents were divorced i we lived with my mother most of the time she was a severe alcoholic very abusive very neglectful um my sister and i basically raised our little brothers

5:31 occasionally my dad would take us for like a short time but for the most part we just lived like a very fear filled chaotic unstable entire childhood yeah um a lot of that for me too also my parents are both divorced as well i have seven brothers and sisters all together um through extended families and whatnot um but i did have a lot of there was a lot of love and nurture in my childhood from

6:04 different parts of my family i have much bigger family than adriana does but a lot of it was um not super healthy and i learned a lot of the wrong things i think oh especially with um learning how to cope with things and deal with things and awareness of what's going on in my body yeah plus all the typical gender dynamics that play there

6:36 yeah yeah a lot of like men don't cry and uh don't let anybody disrespect you uh things things of that nature okay so so there was a lot of hard stuff uh coming from both of you and so then you became parents and i guess it was probably slightly challenging or was it something that you you naturally realize oh i know i what i don't want to do and this is what i'm going to do what was that process of

7:05 discovery of being a parent like i'll start and then you can correct me um i think that i think we had both like come into a place where uh we we knew a lot of the stuff that we were raised with and what was going on in the world um and how we had lived our lives for the majority of our life up to that point was wrong uh you know we we felt that um there was a better way out there a

7:34 better way to live a better way to treat people we already started um living that sort of life uh before we came across you but um in it you know it was easy for a while in a lot of ways but you get to a certain point where you kind of um cap out and outgrow just like reading quotes uh you know reading quotes and just doing the best that you can to be the best person possible but not really

8:03 having clear-cut direction um you know we we aged out there at some point aged out it's not the right word we get you okay now you can correct me yeah um uh we both have in common that we are in recovery and being in recovery for i think when we had bodhi we were probably at five or six years and that gave us like a really good foundation of just living life honestly and you know with the mindset of doing

8:33 the next right thing so we had some good values which i think was helpful um so going into parenting it was like okay let's be nothing like our parents and bring in these principles that's like recovery taught us and that was like a good foundation so it wasn't it really wasn't um really challenging at that point but we babies are not the same kind of challenging as toddlers very true so what kinds of things was

9:04 your toddler starting to do that was a little more challenging um so i want to say like so bodhi our five-year-old when he he's just always been like really when he was young he was really easy going like i remember we lived in west boylston so like he couldn't he was probably like right around two when he had like a tantrum and i remember being like i think this is like his first like real show of like

9:31 defiance like he doesn't do this like he listens he he's logical he doesn't take risks like he's just we thought we were like parents of the year um and so it really got challenging i think when we had a second child i think that's when we really felt like we were absolutely drowning yeah i really think we i i felt and i think arjuna did as well that we were like killing it at being parents

10:01 the best they were like the parents ever with the best kid ever and we were just so great and he was so great and it was so easy not always easy but um but then it just you get a second child in it but also like we it's not we were reading a lot of janet lansbury stuff we were listening to her podcast we had read her books we were reading her blogs if we had a problem i would literally google

10:25 janet lansbury temper tantrum janet lansbury kid won't get in car seat you know what i mean so we have this like respectful parenting foundation and those tools were enough for a long time and then [Laughter] yeah i mean i think that we got to a point where it was like i mean i just remember like being in the car and both kids both of our kids do not like the car at

10:57 all they're so good at it now though um but they did not like being in the car and that really is not easy at all um so we were like driving and i'm driving and body's upset and remy's upset and you just get to this like insane point where like i'm mad at her because they're out of control and i know she's not it's not her fault you know um but i still can't help it be mad

11:28 at her for it um for no reason at all um and just just didn't like that feeling at all of just like having these out of control like insane thoughts going on of being mad at my wife because the kids are crying i mean what was that time period like for you adriana so honestly um to be like totally transparent like i i would say like the first two years of having a second child um

11:58 i really struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety and like um it really shaped how i was able to manage parenting and like i i still have these values of being respectful and and treating my children the way they deserve to be treated but i i think that like not treating my mental health problems um because it's more than just like go take a bath it's gonna be fine like i really needed to do some some bigger things than that the

12:29 baths totally helped but there was more to be done and i think that it just felt impossible so having the two kids is hard um on its own for anybody but then dealing with those mental health challenges on top of it not being honest and open with my family about what's really going on for me and just like keeping a lot of it to myself it was a really really hard time yeah and i think that you know that was

12:54 impossible because it was like we both wanted to do well so bad and we're like reading books and practicing things and like practicing mindfulness and meditating and like doing service work and just like doing everything we can and still falling short and just being exhausted and falling short all the time just waiting to stop surviving yeah just you know like when is it gonna when are we gonna stop just surviving when are we gonna stop drowning when is this

13:23 gonna be okay and i do think when your kids get older things get easier but i also think when you're able to have like an internal shift of how you look at things that is a big game changer too yeah and we also wanted to get the parent of the year award back so that was a little bit out of reach at the time [Laughter] okay and so at some point you heard of the parenting membership that i run i i

13:48 don't know if you remember how you heard of it or what the decision-making process was like when you decided to join yeah i do i had to listen to your podcast and it was just like so incredible like i just really felt like you know like occasionally you meet these people in life we're like i want what they have and i'm willing to go to any length to get it and i was like on the fence like we were kind of in a

14:10 financial tight spot at the time and i was like i shouldn't really spend the money and and then how am i going to make the time and just every excuse in the book and i had time and and you know there was a way for me to do the membership um financially and we just like we just went for it and um yeah it it wasn't a really hard decision once i kind of was able to stop making up

14:36 excuses yeah i mean i remember feeling a little bit hesitant about it for sure at first because i was just like i mean we're already trying everything we can and we're already doing all these things and i'm already exhausted and i don't have time to do anything already it's just like um how can we possibly and it would you know the you know week one do this and then this group call and then this chat and i was

15:04 just like when when are we gonna do that when how is that possible yeah okay so so definitely some skepticism then and then i i wonder also if there was some element of is this really going to be the thing like if we're already reading the books we've already done all the stuff how can this possibly be any different yeah totally for me i have like a really hard time with anything being like that's not gonna

15:28 make a difference for me with like anything anything that you say is gonna make my life better i'm like yeah no i'm not gonna work so there's a lot of that yeah for sure so what was it that made you think okay this is actually worth trying then if there was so much of that going on desperation and now in stereo yeah we were i mean we were like sick and tired of being sick and tired like we were just

15:58 we needed something needed to change my mental health was in a much better spot i had like the energy to like do something else to do something different and for for me like and i've said this before like my my values did not align with my actions as much as i needed them to and don't get me wrong i wasn't you know doing horrendous things to my children but it doesn't like my values weren't aligned with my actions and that was

16:27 enough for me to like really take some action yeah and i think we both also learned from being in recovery too that like you have to do drastic things to change drastically and um you know knowing that and having experienced that in the past it kind of made sense that you know we'd really have to like dig in and i mean the concept of the structure of it and the subgroup support um clicks with me pretty well um it's really it's

16:57 a good combo okay so what were some of the earliest successes that you had um you know it's funny because i i don't i i kids are kids and like they're never gonna be perfect you know they're always gonna um do things to drive here and drive you up the wall and um but i think it's more about how we responded to stuff that um you know made made a bigger difference i mean i think like the

17:27 i remember adriana was like talking to me where we were in the kitchen and she was like um was that funny in the scene yeah we were in the kitchen and you know we were talking through a back and forth she had with the kids earlier in the day and um this time she was able to um or bodhi was able to kind of recognize what his actual need was in the moment can't recall what it was it was

17:56 something that a kid needs you know um i needed this color fork or whatever you know that was just drawing out this like crazy behavior um and having you know the ability to watch her process it me understand what was going on and then to see bodhi um pick it up too it was like oh okay you know this isn't such a waste of time anymore you know nothing ever was

18:29 i remember the time i think it was like it wasn't super towards the beginning but i remember there was a time but he was having a hard time going upstairs and going to bed and you decided to have a problem solving conversation with him and you guys came to the solution that you would write down the colors he planned to use for certain parts of his picture and that was his thing he didn't want to go to

18:47 bed and forget what his plan was and this now we've done this a few times now like if he can't go to sleep because something he'll write a note and tape it above his bed and so first thing in the morning he can jump back into whatever he was doing and we would have never just it's so simple but we wouldn't have gone to that without being like you know hey like what's going on for you right now like you really don't want

19:09 to go upstairs and and i don't know what it is but like somewhere in the beginning of this membership like i had this shift where i really feel that like compassion for my children like it's not an annoyance it's not a bother like when my kids are having a hard time like i don't know like i feel that for them and it makes getting down and having that it's not always having the problem solving conversation in the

19:34 moment but just just being there for them ah you must be really upset right now to say that to me yeah let me know if there's anything i can do i'm here for you like and i mean it and it it affects them in such a different way because they they can feel that i mean it you know so it's been a game changer um but real quick my earliest success i remember it it was um

19:58 i it was one of i don't remember which module it was in but i realized that i was just setting a lot of really stupid uh limits i mix up the words limits and boundaries i was just saying not being like no no no but just like oh hey don't don't play with that box or hey don't don't take those spoons out of there and just setting these really like unnecessary limits like and not even realizing i was doing it

20:25 thinking oh i have this need for a clean house so no i'm not gonna let you rip that box to pieces but then kind of seeing that maybe if i didn't in some nice way say no 78 times a day maybe things would look a little different when we actually did need to set a limit that was because of your safety or your well-being you know and it's it's not like my kids are running around the house just

20:47 painting on the walls and ripping things apart but it's just different now that i've kind of become mindful of how often you can say no in lots of ways for no good reason yeah agree yeah absolutely and and what what are your kids really hearing right when you get down on their level what they're hearing is i matter is that uh that you the parent truly care about what's going on for me and about seeing me for who i really am and

21:18 not just seeing this behavior that i did because i didn't know how else to get your attention or to convey this you know this thing that i'm trying to tell you um you're seeing what's truly underneath that and that's i mean that's all that any of us wants in life is to be truly seen and truly known and you're giving that gift to your children so so early on it's it's it's awesome to hear about um

21:41 one of the things that i look back on in your tenure in the membership is uh the sibling dynamic that was going on there for a few months and it seemed as though from your posts you were kind of at the end of your rope with that can you tell us a bit about what was going on there and what that transition process was like for you so it was just and it still can be um so

22:08 obviously the goal of this is never to like change my children's behavior um but like just figuring out a way to show up to it differently has made a difference so they they still fight they're still siblings um but it was just really overwhelming to where i just didn't know and it is really hard when two children have needs in the same moment and it's not possible to meet them both um

22:38 but just um i don't know like i think before when they would fight i would jump in and be like okay you over here you over here like i would see him hurting her her hurting him and it obviously triggered something inside of me like you know siblings aren't supposed to do that you guys have to be best friends like just made up ideas in my head about what things should look like versus what they actually do look like

23:06 so like now if my my kids are having a disagreement or an argument the first thing i do is just say hey i hear some loud voices do you guys need help are you figuring it out and they can figure it out sometimes but they can tell me when they just can't and so if they do need my help this well what usually works for us is um usually they both want to talk at the same time and they both have something

23:32 super important to say and then it's like another fight about whose thing is more important to say so we get one of our favorite stuffed animals and we all just take turns holding it and saying everything we need to say and then we start coming up with ideas on how this can work for everybody and and most of the time we can figure it out um you know usually it's like he really wanted this lego minifigure but

23:54 she's playing with it and it's really special to her but he just wants to turn and it's it's really big for both of them and usually when they can each say what they were hoping to have happen they can work it out and if not um we either just move on to something different for a little while we read a book together we cuddle together or the kids have some separate time in their rooms and it's

24:16 not a punishment it's i'm gonna sit in between your guys's bedrooms right now i'm gonna get you each set up with something you love to do and i'm gonna check in with both of you and we'll try to play together again in a while um and it sounds like really simple stuff and it is um but i had to wipe away those preconceived notions of how i thought things should be before i was able to be

24:38 open to those new ideas on how to show up for them during conflict yeah i think the biggest thing that um i learned from you know the sibling rivalry stuff was that you know it's because you have one kid and they have a problem one or both of you can be totally there and just do whatever it needs to happen in that moment but then you throw somebody else another one in the mix and you know and there's only one parent

25:08 there um you can't you know you you can't always or most of the time even um do it right there so i think it was a really long way of saying that you know we had to look at the holistic like day in you know life rather than that moment um you know if we were able to identify the need and get out ahead of it beforehand um you know that will pull us out of a lot

25:38 more of these situations and i don't think it's ever going to be perfect and there's going to be tons of times when you're just outmatched um uh but you know it gives us that gives you a better opportunity to get through this stuff like sometimes the same problem like to give you a specific example like um both children crying both really wanting to to be with me to be held to be physically comforted um so but they don't want to be catching

26:08 so i'll say oh i have two i have two legs you can each sit on one of my legs and i put my arms around each of you and then they're like no we're touching we don't want to be touching and they're crying and um like at one time when this happened we they weren't so far gone we couldn't talk about it we did have a problem solving conversation and they just we just like sat there and

26:29 brainstormed all these ways that they could both get that physical connection need met and you know remy's like well i could sit in your lap and he can sit lower down between your ankles and then we're both touching you but we're not and it kind of served also as like a tool to just calm down a little bit and um i don't even remember what the solution was at that time but um that's a common problem with both

26:55 kids want all of me and um to touch on what he said we try to carve out one-on-one time with the kids because they're less likely to to have that need like during a conflict if they're getting it met ahead of time and that's something we definitely learned from yeah i think it was a call with you or something yeah yeah and um and i remember a very specific string of posts um where

27:27 you were you were looking for advice from people you were posting in the group and i think you you mentioned a book about siblings that actually is a book i respect but you said i read the book and i didn't like the book and i need some help and a bunch of people sort of uh who have multiple children said you know here are some things i've tried and it seemed as though you got a little shift

27:48 from that and and i think you'd already been practicing identifying needs with each child individually but i hadn't seen you do it together with the two children before and i think you you had you know there were a couple times where you were trying to figure it out trying to figure it out and then it was a series of posts that you put up in the group where you were like i have to share this and you are the

28:08 only people who will understand but i remember one post where i think you said that uh bodhi was coloring or drawing or something and remy came in and wanted to participate in it and and beauty said what are you trying to do or what's your need right now or something like that and and they together the two of them were able to identify what was her need and meet that need and this thing that could have

28:30 escalated into well she would take my crayon became this beautiful example yeah she she she came and was trying to like color on his paper and he was like wait a second i mean let's talk about this what do you need right now and she said i just really wanted some extra play time with you because you spend so much time coloring lately and he said okay how about if i stop coloring for a few minutes and go play with you and she

28:53 said okay and they went and played together yeah magical and they were how old at that time uh like maybe like just three and four right yeah it's pretty cool when they do it it's really cool tonight even got home from work and i wanted to get them to bed so we had we had an engagement we had to keep and uh [Laughter] you know so it was like super important to me but we also had to set up our tent

29:22 um in the backyard so i'm like going through that we sat down and talked about like some safety stuff um before we set up the tent and um you know it was a brief conversation and they end up they have all the stakes and they're running around the yard losing them and bodhi has the hatchet and he's swinging it around um and you know i'm trying to get the tent up and it falls over and i'm like

29:48 getting short and um you know just reminding me so then whatever i bring them upstairs i'm not having a great time um they're not behaving the way i'd want them to um and it continues on into bedtime and um i just like paused for a minute and i was just like guys i'm really sorry that i've been short with you i'm just a little worried you're not listening to anything i say and we're gonna go camping soon and a

30:16 lot of dangerous things could happen if we're not listening when we do that you know what's going on and um actually made me cry a little bit but remy um as you know i went on to say i love you so much and you're so important to me and yada yada and remy said to me um that's not true you go you always go to work and leave us and i was like oh my goodness um you know so i kind of

30:44 i felt so bad you know but i wanted to like um explain to her why i go to work you know and i think when she understood that a little bit it like made more sense to her you know i'm not going to work so i want to be away from you guys i'm going to work to provide for us um just to see that like that misbehavior is connected to this unmet need of having some more time with her dad yeah

31:08 and her being able to say that yeah exactly like i came home like a tornado and i'm trying to do all this stuff and i from work and you know and this is our time together and i'm just like being a jerk about it all um how it affected her you know because normally you guys just play and yeah normally we just play and have fun until bedtime and i had an agenda um yeah you know so that that's another

31:32 good lesson too you know usually when i'm upset they're upset and i'm usually upset when i have an agenda um you know timelines to keep yeah for sure i was about to give you a different kind of doubt of the year award when i heard the swing in the hatchery [Laughter] so tim i'm especially curious because we do have dads who are engaged in the group uh obviously it's less less common for dads to be doing this

32:04 kind of work than for moms to be doing this work you know female identifying parents and i'm wondering um how that experience has been for you as a dad engaging more deeply with the you know learning about different methods of parenting and different ways of interacting with your children has it been difficult at all has it has it been easier than you expected what would you say to dads who are listening to this and thinking isn't is it really my job to be doing

32:31 this stuff yeah uh i i guess i don't think that way um a lot i um you know and i do have lots of other dad friends and stuff that you know very men should work and women should do it and i don't i don't believe that um i i shouldn't say i don't believe that because i do have that in me somewhere and but i know it's wrong you know so usually when i and it comes from my

32:59 childhood and um so for me like anything that comes in my childhood i usually just run away from the other way so like i'm like well that's not how i was raised so i should definitely be doing it you know um i think in a lot of ways that stuff comes a little bit easier for me um and yeah i mean you have to kind of shed some of those i guess based like male thought processes of being tough and um

33:30 you know just dealing with it and i mean that's i was totally raised on not showing emotion and not not um letting people see your weaknesses and stuff like that a hundred percent that's how i was raised um and that's so it's even hard for me a lot of times to to do it but i do know the value in it and um so you know it does makes it possible for me and you know i

33:53 know it's going to get us to where we need to be um so just do it guys it's great just do it [Laughter] so where are you headed as a family besides camping this weekend what's what's life in the future for you no i think past next week sometimes i don't know i think i mean our family is like so important to us um it's like the only thing that really

34:25 matters i think to us um which we might need to mix some other stuff in there um but you know it's it's our driving force to be together and um and to be healthy together i think is is you know what's super important and really just the more we can know the truth of what's going on i think we feel that's our place you know that's that's where we need to go anything that comes about it then great

34:53 you know i anytime we try to control things and push things into a direction that we want to go in it's just kind of a recipe for disaster so we don't know what our kids want to do um we don't know what we want to do at least i don't um but i think if we're loving each other and we're digging in for truth we know that you know whatever happens is going to be okay adriana you want to add to that

35:21 i mean when i think about the future like um i honestly just picture us like adventure continuing to adventure together and like just experience like i do think it's important to plan for the future but i also think it's super important to like live right now and it i can get so caught up in like let's sell everything we own and buy an rv let's do this let's do that but like right now we have this like incredible

35:50 gift of being able to just like be with our children explore nature do puzzles and just like it's okay to be content with right now and we want to continue growing as parents and growing as a family and um to see like see where that goes yeah and i wonder if uh this has impacted other relationships in your lives beyond your relationships with your children it's it's definitely it well it's interfere with some relationships in my life

36:20 because sometimes i try to tell my friends dude don't talk to your kid like that you know they're not being bad they're like they have something going on you're falling really short as a dad um to help them out so that doesn't usually go well [Laughter] you know but it's you know when i see that it's you know it's so clear you know because i know that they're not that people and they don't mean to you know but it's so

36:45 clear like there's damage going on there and you don't even know it you know you think you're doing the best so whatever back to the question um it helps me out a lot at work i manage a lot of people um and it's really super helpful and in that regard of having compassion and compassion and empathy for people um and really i mean you know so we have this big group of people and when i start seeing behaviors popping

37:11 off left and right over here um you know i stopped thinking about the individuals and like what's going on in our like little network here a little environment that might be causing this kind of stuff and you can usually find some root cause that is happening that stems from me or somebody else and it gives you an avenue to kind of fix that um it's i mean it's definitely impacted our relationship i i think it was like i

37:39 don't remember exactly how long it goes how long ago it was but we were on a coaching call it was a group coaching call i i just remember we were like in bed eating burgers yeah but they were upstairs sleeping it was that was a really stressful time which i think is why i remember all these little details um and like it had just like it kind of occurred to us recently that like we just it occurred to me that i wasn't

38:04 extending the same respect to my husband that i was to my children and like i was basic and i would i would catch myself saying things to him too that was like i'd say you wouldn't say that to one of our kids like why are you talking to me like that not just but i was doing it too but and it just became more like obvious or evident the deeper we got into this parenting work and

38:28 so yeah we um we started making uh con conscience conscious it is really hard conscious effort to work on our marriage and we we do um we read marriage like counseling type of books together we try to talk about our feelings feelings are super hard for both of us for different reasons um we try we really make more of an effort i will say hey i feel like i have the story in my head that you're kind of

38:56 sick of me today is everything okay and just kind of coming out with it and not letting it fester and it's definitely helped me to feel connected with him more regularly than i used to yeah i mean as much or more so than with the kids honestly you know it's so so important and again like we've always liked loved each other and always like wanted to be the best that we could um but you're running around and you get

39:22 two kids and you're you know tapping each other out and um there's not enough time for everyone to get what they need all the time and it comes back to the same thing of being there for each other and and ourselves too you know making sure we're taking care of ourselves um which i still am not really good at but um so you know get the kids then the wife and you know how we're gonna be next

39:45 i know it should be the other way but definitely though you'll like go to the store sometimes by yourself oh it's crazy yeah you've been really stepping out there doing some crazy camping store the other day like that was crazy yeah that's crazy yeah yeah progress yeah i mean yes that if someone was to ask me i would say as valuable for the marriage as it is for the kids um yeah and adriana i think uh

40:11 seeing your needs is valid has been really important to you as well right yes um i spent a long time like trying to be somebody that i wasn't and trying to like i should be like this i want to be like this and doing that totally makes seeing your own needs impossible because even if you do see them they're not valid you know and um really

40:43 i i do i work with a therapist and it's been really enlightening to see these patterns of behavior and it's kind of like i put on a new pair of glasses and i'm no longer living in the like i should or why am i not or could i it's just this is me and that's really helped me so much yeah yeah i can see it in you the confidence um that you didn't have when we first started interacting um and

41:13 and the confidence in in understanding who you are and what your needs are and that you're worthy of having those met um and it's it's amazing to see thank you thank you so much for being here it was such a pleasure to talk with you both likewise thanks and don't forget that if you'd like to join adriana and tim in the parenting membership and make the kind of shift that they've made in their family to go

41:37 from desperation to feeling like they're on a path that feels right for them then come on over to your parentingmojo.com forward slash parenting membership to learn more and sign up i can't wait to meet you [Music]