The most important conversational rule most people never learn | Charles Duhigg

0:00 I'm Charles Duhigg, a writer at the New Yorker  magazine and the author of The Power of Habit, Supercommunicators and Smarter, Faster, Better. How to become a supercommunicator. Before I wrote Supercommunicators, one of the  reasons I got so interested in it is that I was working at the New York Times at that point and I  was a reporter and they made me suddenly a manager and I figured I would be a great manager, right?  I went to Harvard Business School to get an MBA.

0:29 I've had managers my whole life. I was  like, I I got this. And more importantly, I'm a professional communicator. And then I got  put into the job and I realized really quickly I was terrible at this. And in fact, the thing that  I was most terrible at was communication, right? I would have these people who were reporting to me  and they would come to me with a problem and and I thought that they wanted me to solve it for them  when actually what they wanted is they wanted me to empathize with them. or I would try and explain  one of my ideas and I would find that I thought the explanation made total sense but everyone else  walked away from the meeting saying what exactly are we supposed to do here? I don't understand how  this fits into our assignments. And so this got me really interested in trying to understand what we  know about communication. A super commmunicator is someone who manages to connect with almost anyone  through conversation, through language. And the thing is that we are all super communicators at  one time or another, right? There is definitely a time in the last month that a friend of yours has  called you up and you've known exactly what to say to make that person feel better. You know, whether  they're asking for advice or they're asking for empathy, there's probably some meeting you walked  into in the last month where you knew exactly what to say to get the rest of your teammates on board  with your idea. We all have these moments of super communication where we connect with other people  where suddenly we see the world the same way.

1:52 What's interesting though is that there are  some people who do this consistently. There are some people who can connect with literally  anyone at any time. Those people are consistent supercommunicators. And what we've learned is  that the difference between us and them is only a couple of skills that they recognize as skills  and that they practice until they become habits. Any of us can be a super communicator all the  time. We know how to do this. We know how to have a conversation with a stranger the same way  that we have a conversation with our best friend.

2:20 But we need to understand what the skills are that  allow us to do that. And once we do, it opens up a whole new world of how to communicate and connect  with other people. There are three different kinds of conversations that we have most of the time  when we open our mouth. There's the practical conversation, right, where we're talking about  making plans together. We're solving problems together. And the goal in a conversation of of a  practical nature is really to answer a question, to come to a resolution, to make a decision. But  next, there's also emotional conversations where I tell you what I'm feeling. And I don't want  you to solve my feelings. I don't want you to propose a plan on how we're going to fix my  feelings. What I want in that conversation is I want you to empathize. I want you to tell me you  understand what I'm feeling. You acknowledge these feelings that I'm having and they're completely  legitimate to have. and you know what it feels like to have those. And then finally, there's the  social conversation, which is about how we relate to each other, how we relate to society, the  identities that are important to us. When someone says something like, "As a mom, the way that I  see this is that's a clue that they're having a social conversation. They're identifying their  identity before they're giving you their thoughts, which means their identity has a role to play  in how this is going to unfold. And in a social conversation, I'm not looking for a plan or  solution. I'm also not looking necessarily for empathy. What I'm looking for is acknowledgement.  Somebody saying, "Look, I understand that you sees the situation differently than I do because you're  a mom and I don't have kids. And that doesn't necessarily mean we agree with each other, but I  acknowledge I validate that you have a perspective on this that that I don't." These three kinds  of conversations, the practical, the emotional, and the social, they're all equally important. And  in a discussion, we will have all three different kinds of conversations. But if I'm in a practical  mindset and you're in an emotional mindset, then it's like two ships passing in the night,  right? You bring up a problem that you feel really bad about and I try and solve it for you and you  don't want my solution. you don't appreciate my my my recommendations. What you really want is you  want me to say, "Look, ah, that sounds like such a rough day. I'm so sorry that you went through  that." Um, and I'm just wondering, do do you want me to help you solve these problems or or do you  just need to let me know what you're feeling to get this off your off your chest? And what you'll  find is the other person will tell you what they need. They'll tell you what kind of conversation  they want. They'll say something like, "No, no, this isn't a big deal. I don't I don't need to  solve this. I just I just need to get it off my chest. This is driving me crazy. It's when we get  aligned that we really hear each other and that we feel connected to each other. The matching  principle is a concept in psychology that says successful communication requires having the  same kind of conversation at the same time.

5:12 And in general, conversations fall into one of  three buckets. So these practical conversations, these emotional conversations, and these social  conversations. And so what the matching principle says is that if I see that you're in a practical  mindset, I should have a practical conversation with you, right? I should match you. Or if I'm  feeling really emotional, I should invite you to match me. And it raises this kind of interesting  question. How do we know what kind of conversation is going on, particularly at the start of a  conversation? And there's a couple of skills that really help with this. One of them is asking  questions, but the other is listening to the kinds of words that the person is using, right? Because  often times we will have what we think should be a practical conversation. We're talking about the  budget for next quarter, but I say things like, you know, I'm just I'm really worried about about  getting this budget right because if we don't, we're going to have to lay people off. And like I  just I just feel really anxious about that. I like I I would hate to lay these people off. Like  they're my friends and I feel close to them, right? The words that I'm using, even  though we're talking about budgeting, even though we're talking about planning, the  words that I'm using are emotional words. I'm talking about what I feel. I'm mentioning that I'm  anxious or worried. I'm obviously showing that I'm thinking about the feelings of other people if  I'm going to have to lay them off. That's a clue that actually I'm in an emotional mindset, that  I need to have an emotional conversation. You, as my boss, you need to acknowledge, yeah, look, I  I feel the same way. This is a totally legitimate way to feel. We got to figure this out so we  don't have to do layoffs. When you match me and you show me that you are hearing my emotions, I  suddenly feel calmer. I feel more welcome in this conversation. And more importantly, I trust you  more. So when you say next, look, the best way to do this is to work through next quarter's numbers  and let's try and nail down what's realistic. In other words, the best way to deal with these  emotions is to have a practical conversation.

7:11 I'm willing to go there with you. Suddenly,  we're aligned. We're having the same kind of conversation at the same moment. We fulfilled  the basic premise of the matching principle, which says that we have to have the same kind of  conversation at the same time in order to really hear each other. The best communicators aren't  born with the gift of gab. The best communicators become the best communicators because they spend a  little bit more time thinking about communication because they spend a little bit more time trying  to understand how their words have an impact on others because they understand that the goal of  conversation is not to agree with each other. The goal is simply to feel connected to each other.  And that might mean that we're going to vote for different people. That might mean that we grew up  in different places. That might mean that we we worship different gods. But if you feel like I am  genuinely listening to you, that I'm curious about who you are, that I want to understand how you see  the world, and if I can speak in a way that helps you understand how I see the world, that helps you  be curious about who I am, if for no other reason than just because of this social reciprocity that  we all feel at that moment, we will feel connected to each other. The best thing that you can do is  you can have connections with other people. And the way that we have connections with other people  is through conversation. There is someone that you have not talked to in six months or two years that  you just think you just think they're great. You just think you've fallen out of touch. And if  you pick up the phone today and you call them, the first three minutes might be a little  awkward, right? You might say, "Hey, Jim, I haven't talked to you in forever. And you know  what? I can't actually remember how many kids you have and I'm not sure if your wife's name is Susan  or Elizabeth." Right? Yeah, I might not remember.

8:56 But after those three minutes, you're going to  feel so close to each other. You're going to fall right back into that place where you're talking  to each other. You're sharing. You're listening to each other. You're getting curious about each  other. And by the end of that conversation, you're going to say, "I'm so glad I gave Jim a call. I  can't believe it's taken me this long to do this." The best thing that you can do today is go have a  conversation. And the thing about conversations, and the thing about being a super communicator  is it is not because you are magical. It is not because you are born with certain skills. It's  simply because you think a little bit deeper about conversation and communication. You practice some  basic skills like asking deep questions, proving that you're listening, trying to figure out what  kind of conversation is happening right now. And you practice those until they become habits.  And then suddenly you can connect with anyone.

9:54 Want to support the channel? Join the Big Think Members community where you get  access to videos early ad free.