Is Your Child Too Protected? Building Real Resilience with Dr. Samir Dalwai | Kidsstoppress

0:00 So, today I see a lot of children who come to me for behavioral issues, hyperactive, aggressive, anxious, fighting with others, pushing other children. Teacher ne ek bar kuch chilla diya to ab mera bachcha school jane ko is not ready. >> Yeah. Where do these come from? When we do an evaluation, they don't have autism or ADHD or whatever else. >> This comes from the fact that the real issue is man has evolved [music] or as a species Homo sapiens has evolved over 6 million years. And if you read this wonderful book Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari, he has brought this about that our evolution has taken place over 6 million [music] years. What is the biggest difference between animals and man? Now, this gave rise to the concept of families, to the concept of societies, community, cities, regions, nations, >> [music] >> religions, caste.

0:45 >> Yeah. You need engagement with society >> time. You need to give that time. Is this the reason why we are not being able to [music] raise resilient children? Why are these kids unable to take the pressures that we as millennials or even Gen Z today can take? >> Again, resilience is a quality that you [music] learn by practice. I feel as parents, we are always playing on the back foot. This actually starts in early childhood. Child does not develop resilience because he's seeing judgment right from day one. If this is missing [music] in today's children, they grow up with this artificial binary thinking.

1:28 This keeps up as a crops up as a question every now and then. Is this the reason why we are not being able to raise resilient children? >> Absolutely. Where we are seeing uh kids as early as a nine and 10 saying I'm not being able to cope up and they feel it's easier to kill themselves or somebody is bullying them and they feel it's easy or somebody said something to like you said teacher ne bol diya and I thought it's easier to end my life. So, are we are we saying that these we are unable to raise resilient children and therefore why? Or like why are these kids unable to take the pressures that we as millennials or even Gen Z today can take and Gen Alpha or Beta as we call them are unable to take? Like where have we gone so wrong? One is human interaction, but what about the rest?

2:20 Our evolution has taken place over 6 million years. >> Yeah. Now, over 6 million years, what is the biggest difference between animals and man? It's not just that they were four-legged creatures and we walk erect. The biggest difference is the frontal lobe and the prefrontal cortex. What did it give man that animals didn't have? Four qualities. One is the ability to delay gratification. I may be very hungry, but I have to wait till we finish this. I will delay the gratification of eating till the work is finished. Essentially, I am sitting for a longer time cooperating with you. Human engagement.

2:56 Delayed gratification. Second is rational thinking. Everything cannot be yes or no. For example, animals, they are based on the binary. If you throw a stone at a dog, either the dog will attack you or the dog will run away. He knows only two options, yes or no or attack or run. He won't sit and think "You know what? Pathar kyu mara? Does he like me? Does he not like me? But humans have the ability to analyze everything in rational thinking. Second, third is communication, the ability to communicate what I want to you and you to me. But the third, fourth, which is storytelling, is actually the ability to think and act as a group. Yeah. Once you and I are from this place called Mumbai.

3:36 Mumbai is an amazing city. We need to do this. We need to play cricket on the same team. So, we have a team of 11 people. All 11 are playing against another 11. What is the difference in biology between all of you? Nothing. Yeah. But you've created a story that hum alag hai, aap alag hai. Or then this 11 have to work together. Yeah. Now, this gave rise to the concept of families, to the concept of societies, community, cities, regions, nations, religions, caste.

4:04 >> Yeah. Associations. Yeah. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I So, this is a story which we tell each other and the ability to then understand it and work towards a common goal. This is how classroom runs. Yeah. All of us are convinced that we are all together in class 3A.

4:22 And you have to behave in a particular way. All of us Some of us are with other people in the football team. There you have to act together. This is the fourth and the most important attribute that the frontal lobe evolved, which allows us to live in civilized society, which allows us to believe these stories about religion, region, caste, association, capitalism, socialism, etc. The difference between all these four and animals, as I said, animals live on the binary, but we do not.

4:51 Unfortunate And And then the story is that this required 6 million years for our brain to evolve. So, now, because genes pass on whatever you have learned to the next generation, you are born with a perfect brain anatomically, which has all the abilities to learn rational thinking, communication, ability to work as a group, tolerate each other, be tolerant. But just the neuroanatomy that you are born with is not enough. It needs the environment to kick this in. For example, we are born at 2 and 1/2 kilos, but our genes have enough in them to make us into a 50-kilo adult. But that is not possible unless you are nurtured with the right food, with the right security, with the right safety, with the right environment, and with good health. Similarly, your rational thinking, communication, uh delayed gratification, ability to work as a group and tolerate each other cannot kick off unless it is kindled. Yeah.

5:46 Even if you have the normal genes and normal neuroanatomical brain, and this kindling can only happen in a nurturing environment in the first early part of childhood, for which you need engagement with society >> time. You need to give that time. So, today I see a lot of children who come to me for behavioral issues, hyperactive, aggressive, anxious, fighting with others, pushing other children. Teacher ne ek bar kuch chilla diya to ab mera bachcha school jane ko is not ready.

6:12 >> Yeah. Where do these come from? When we do an evaluation, they don't have autism or ADHD or whatever else. >> Yeah. This comes from the fact that they are and neuroanatomically they are normal. You do an MRI, they'll be normal. You do their genetic evaluation, they may be normal. So, I'm saying that a lot of these problems you are seeing in children and the human race today, which are not due to defective genes or some defective food that you've eaten or due to a abnormal brain, they're only because a normal brain and normal genes did not get kindled.

6:42 And that kindling requires, like you said, society, people, and a lot of time. You know, I have parents who come and ask me, I feel I want to push my child us ka zyada potential hai, par mujhe darr lagta hai kyuki agar usne koi extreme step liya. I feel as parents, we are always playing on the back foot. We don't We are scared today to push our children even a little bit, think they will just fall over. So, that's my real question. How much is the push and how much should is the restraint?

7:15 This actually starts in early childhood. They may come to a psychologist or a sport when the child is 8-10 years old, so really too late. The point is since child So, again, let's begin with resilience. How do you learn resilience? Resilience cannot be taught in Dr. Dalwai's clinic by me giving a lecture or a psychologist's clinic or by some modules being done by some association. Resilience is learned in early childhood. What is resilience? The ability to deal with disappointment.

7:43 Now, for example, have you faced any disappointment in the last 1 year? Yeah. Have you faced anything in the last 1 month? >> Yes. Probably since morning you may be disappointed speaking to me. So, this is part of life. Yeah. Resilience is learned when you face disappointment in a safe space. >> Yeah. And that is the space of your own house, with your own parents, and with the samaj of the community or the chachi's house, masi's house, bua's house, mami's house, where you get differences between people. So, disappointment is not only about not being able to get good marks.

8:16 It's about ki mujhe ghar pe roti khata hu, lekin masi ke ghar pe chawal banta hai. Ab mujhe chawal khana padega? Khana padega. Ab that is a bit of a disappointment ki yaar idhar roti nahi milegi. Abhi lekin masi abhi aur kya bol sakti hai? Masi ko bura lagega ya masi daant degi. The ability to go against my disappointment and adjust is very, very important. But this is best done in early childhood because there, hopefully, is plenty of time.

8:47 This cannot be learned in school because guess what? Schools and academics are based on the principle of binary. Yes or no. If the child answers 1 + 1 is 2, good. 1 + or right. 1 + 1 is 3, wrong. Right, wrong. If you answer 50% answers correctly, questions correctly, you pass. If you answer less, you have failed. If you pass, you are promoted. If you fail, you are demoted. If you follow all the rules of my school, you are a good girl. If not, you are a bad girl. What are we doing? Academics and organizations work on the principle of binary. The moment you say rules, it's binary.

9:22 >> Yeah. And look at what is happening. We are regressing back as a human race because everything around a child's life is now becoming binary. Wow. Whereas if you went to a chachi's house or a masi's house, somebody would have this kind of chawal, somebody would have that kind of you know, curry, somebody would have that kind. So, you are learning all these diversities beyond the binary in a safe space. By safe, I mean that if you spill a glass or a little bit of water in your masi's house, she may frown at you.

9:50 >> Yeah. But they won't call your parents and complain that your child needs to go to a therapist. Yeah. This is being judged. Correct. So, multiple such experiences, multiple such practices gradually >> to say no at an early space makes all the difference. Or learning them to adapt and re-adapt and re-adapt to whatever is being proposed to them, that is what is >> in a safe space without being judged. >> Yeah, without And that can not happen in an organization or a doctor's clinic or a school. Right.

10:21 >> It can only happen in the community. So, nurturing care is actually learning small small small differences in a way that you're not being judged with plenty of time to practice it without being judged. Okay, yes. >> who are going to a school are expected to know alphabets or expected to write. So, you're being judged. So, the child does not develop resilience because he's seeing judgment right from day one. Right from very early age. When do you learn the ability to say no? When you heard enough times being told no. Right.

10:53 When you've been told no so many times, but in a nice safe space, not with some trauma or abuse, then you understand it's okay to say no because chachi says no to this, but mommy's okay. Similarly, I may be able to say no to some things and I may say yes to some things. If this is missing in today's children, they grow up with this artificial binary thinking. Mhm. And hence, if I get less marks, then I'm not good enough, then I need to go.

11:18 If my girlfriend now, you know, >> Rejection, ability to handle rejection and disappointment >> is missing. What is rejection? Binary. Yeah. If life doesn't go my way, then Yes. So, again, doesn't go my way only in this aspect. >> So, there's no diversity. It's okay. I may not get very good marks in maths, but I'm doing very well in English. That allows you to balance it out. This balance is learned by community living. Mhm. And I have become a big convert to this that more than therapies, more than you know, doing some training or teaching to the child at a later age, what we are really really looking down the brink of the a dark hole is the way communities are shifting away from each other. So, the real thing that we need to do is encourage parents to make groups together in which they get enough time with their children without having to go for a guitar class or without having to go for a competition without any agenda, without any target. The moment you have an agenda, you are making it binary.

12:19 Yeah. Yeah. >> If you don't have an agenda, that's the only way you can uh allow it. And hence, the whole thing here is for parents to understand that it's not just the increased food that they put on the table, which is really causing obesity and early metabolic disorders. It's not just the amount of money that they will pay for their child's donations or education abroad. It's the ability of the child to deal with different people, which teaches a child to deal with different situations, and able to digest some failure, some successes in the same measure. If we don't give this, and this can happen only in early childhood or even in mid childhood, and this can only happen in communities. Got it. I was surprised that some of my friends told me that now in the United States, there are many people who are actually doing this. There are people who are coming together in communities and who are prioritizing time for their children as a group. I'll give you an example.

13:16 During COVID, I had a dear friend, Sheetal Amte, Mhm. from Anandwan. So, you know, child used to watch a lot of TV etc. and So, I suggested to her that she anyway is the like a CEO or she was the CEO there. Select six seven mothers whom you can give a couple of hours off from work once a week. So, select six mother six mothers. One mother comes home by the time the child comes back from school.

13:42 Otherwise, every child is on the TV at home or the gadgets. So, one mother would come home, all the other five children would go to this mother's house. The other mothers are working. Yeah. The next day this lady goes back the other >> Amazing. Yeah. Now, if you do this, what we saw actually is in 15 days all the kids got off the gadgets. But secondly, these kids were having a lot of complaints from school. The parents were called back to school. They said, "Abhi kya ho gaya?

14:06 Abhi fir bhi complaint aa raha hai." This time they are called back to ask, "What have they kiya kya? Huh. How come your children have become so patient, so loving, no confrontation, no pushing each other? They are cooperating with each other. They are happy all the time." And that's because when we go to different people's houses, when we deal with different communities and with diversities, we actually learn better aspects or we learn to expand our brain.

14:32 The neurological the neuronal connections the synaptogenesis is increasing. It's like you go to a gym, you only do dumbbells and biceps. Abnormal. You have to do all the whole body and you have to do multiple weights, right? Yeah. Similarly, the brain needs multiple exposures to really really really get better and better and better. Mhm. And that can be done fortunately in a country like India, the biggest advantage is diversity. >> Yeah, absolutely. >> But today we want to focus on our child, "No, don't meet this one. Don't meet that one. He comes from this class or this caste or this religion or that background and focus on your academics."

15:09 We are cutting away all the aspects of the frontal lobe which were needed to be developed, inculcated in community living, and focusing making our child focus only on binary. And if you focus on binary, it's obviously going to become like an animal. Mhm. Because then we have limited options. And that's where it goes into reaction and inability to take rejection because that's all you've been programmed for in spite of having a normal brain on MRI, and normal genes on your genetic makeup.

15:38 >> So, what is very important for parents to understand. And so, I was coming to the point where it's not about my generation or your generation. It's about how 10,000 generations. >> Mhm. So, there are some things which can change with age and generation. For example, my grandfather may have been wearing a different kind of clothes. I wear different kind of clothes. Or they lived in maybe thatched houses. You and I live in RCC structures. >> Mhm.

16:02 There is change. Now, this change is not bad. It's physiological. >> Mhm. It's preventing you from being exposed to the rain or to the sun. Or maybe the clothes that you wear are better for you today. So, change that suits you physiologically is okay. But when you started eating too much of carbohydrates and too much of processed foods, didn't it give you obesity? Didn't it give you metabolic syndrome from earlier heart attacks? Was that change good? No. Yeah. So, when we say that any change is a way of life, all generations will change. Yes, but change only that which is within the bounds of normal human physiology.

16:38 >> Right. The human brain was designed to live in communities. That's what led it to evolve over 6 million years. We are not designed to live in the binary. Right. So, if you do not understand that this change is harmful, okay, my grandfather was not smoking, let me smoke. Mhm. Change is good. Can I say like that? That's ridiculous. So, the change has to be physiological. This is non-physiological. For parenting tips, celebrity interviews, recipes, conversations with experts, DIYs, and lots more. Subscribe to Kids Stop Press now.