#AskDrV: When You And Your Partner Parent Differently

0:00 I'm dr. Vanessa Lapointe a registered psychologist parenting educator and mom to two grown boys and this is ask dr. P [Music] this week's question goes like this dear dr. Vanessa what do you do when you and your husband don't agree on parenting styles I'm a big fan of attachment parenting and want a parent with connection that's the ultimate goal my husband however was raised with a very firm a kind hand and he often tells

0:31 me that I was spoiling the kids or that I don't make them do anything I don't believe in grounding or taking away toys but he can't seem to think how the kids will learn anything without a punishment I worry that this is so confusing for the kids and I don't want any friction with my husband either I need help sincerely Allison this is a challenge I think that's faced by a lot of parents in their homes whether you're two

0:57 parents parenting under the same roof or two parents parenting under different rules it can be really challenging when you are not agreeing with your parenting partner on the manner in which you're going to raise your children the first thing that I would invite you to think about is what kind of program do you have it play personally where you're coming up against this kind of friction with the person that you chose to have children with and so I would invite you

1:22 to really step into that space and work to understand where are you coming from in this and also where's the other person coming from in this my experience has been that if you can really spend the time to listen and not listen waiting for you to be able to open your mouth and respond back but rather listen where you really take in the other person's perspective not making them right not making them wrong and not making yourself right or wrong but

1:51 really just hear them out so that they can feel seeing and they can feel hurt by you it'll be a great big boost for your relationship and also might get you four further down the path in terms of understanding one another as far as how you want to approach the raising of your children now the next thing to think about is that it's quite possible assume that you're both wrong and so I use this analogy of the

2:16 parenting Mountain and if you think about right at the peak of the mountain right from the top here the view from the top is spectacular so as parents we all endeavor to really find our way to the top of the mountain and to sit there where we can enjoy those views as we raise our children now what happens to keep us up the peak of the mountain is that firm and kind live together at the same time at the peak of the mountain if

2:44 you're the parent who's become in your case mister firm and you go too far down this side of the mountain with being firm you're not actually being firm and being in the lead and being in charge in the way that you think you are you've just become a bully and what we know from the science of child development is that our children really need to have the experience of being able to lean in upon us it is out of this gift of deep

3:07 dependence through that looming in kind of stance that our children will be able to grow into truly independent and mature human beings and if you're a bully your kids not going to be leaning into you your kids just gonna be busy running away from you now if as in your case you've become mrs. kind and you roll too far down that side of the mountain you're no longer experienced as your children by your children as being

3:30 the lovely kind sweet nice parent which is maybe what you're thinking but rather you get experienced by them as being a little jellyfish and a little spineless and a little incapable of being able to put a boundaries down or hold an expectation or establish a norm and really stick to it and similarly we want your children to be leaning in on you and if you're a jellyfish parent you're too weeble wobble II there's nothing there for them to lean in on and so

3:56 again they don't get that experience of deep dependences which is what we really intend when we come at parenting attachment kind of model and so rather both of you your husband and you need to find your way back up that mountain so that you can both sit at the peak of the mountain and enjoy those views from the top where both of you are at the same time being firm and kind and then your children get to benefit from the

4:24 experience of being able to lean in on both of you and the final thing that I would say to you Allison is that if you're really finding it challenging and you've listened and listened and listened some more and does a very caring parent you've really stepped in after all of that listening and really let your husband know that this is not working and that you do not think that this is good for your children and still

4:47 he will not come around and it's not in the cards for him to kind of adopt this attachment style of parenting I want you to really hear me when I say it only takes one yes your children are going to have to cope with possibly the deleterious impact of having a parent whose parenting with punishment at the forefront but they will also really get the benefit of being able to lean in on firm but kind you and all of the

5:15 wonderful things that we know from the science of child development come from parenting with attachment in mind and so there you have it and remember Allison you've got this [Music]