FEAR OF DARK + NIGHTMARES: How to Help Your Kids Overcome Their Fears // The Mom Psychologist

0:01 welcome in everybody uh whether you're watching this live or you're watching the replay it is a pleasure to have you here today i'm gonna be talking about bedtime fears anxieties fear of the dark we're gonna mostly be talking about what how to handle when your child says they are afraid of the dark or they are struggling with nightmares uh welcome in everybody come on in come on in i'm dr jasmine i am a clinical psychologist as

0:30 well as a mom of two and i am so excited to be here today today is also a special day because it is my uh one year birthday of my private membership the mom sisterhood so if there are any sisters in the house if you are in the sisterhood please shout yourself out i am so excited we are celebrating one year of sisterhood and i am so excited i am just so freaking excited i can't believe it's been a year um hello hello

0:57 hello okay ree reen lewis is in the building she said this live is what i need right now okay perfect i am so excited to share the tips with you how this is gonna work is i'm gonna share a lot of tips we'll start with uh fear of the dark then we'll go into nightmares and then we'll end with some q a but you guys interact with me uh make comments ask some questions along the way and if it makes

1:20 sense i will um i will answer those questions on the spot if not save those questions and i will um do my best to answer them at the end okay hi claudia as you guys are coming in let me know where you guys are from where are you from i'm in northern california by the way and again before we jump into the uh live and the discussion that we have planned for today i just want to

1:49 quickly say that my membership my private parent coaching membership called the mom sisterhood is currently open today uh it'll be open over the weekend and then it closes on monday so um if you guys are interested in more coaching more support um then definitely join while you can okay let's get into it we got some um people from los angeles in the house love it love it love it okay we got some uh from canada orlando florida florida okay got

2:20 a couple floridians i love it love to see it all right let's go ahead and jump in let me okay cue my chat i'm also live on youtube so i am trying to manage all the things so bear with me y'all oh somebody from south africa welcome in okay love it love it okay let's jump into the topic so we're going to be talking about nighttime fears the first thing that i want to say

2:50 is that fear is common it is a normal human experience right we all experience fear and anxiety from time to time usually it is sparked because of some unknown some change something new is happening and if you think about it through your child's eyes the world is so brand new right um there's so many things constantly happening and changing around them so many unknowns and particularly if you have a little one right i love to talk about the toddlers

3:21 and the preschoolers their imagination their ability to fantasize and think about things that are not happening in real time but in their mind is developing uh during this time so these uh fears it's uh it's not uncommon for them to start to express fears uh both you know at bedtime and also in daytime now i will say you know the more anxious your little one is during the day the more likely they are going to complain

3:50 of bedtime fears now there's a continuum to this right so there are little ones who have maybe a nightmare here or there you're like whoa what just happened uh that's rare two little ones who are having them more nights than not so i would say you know it's definitely not uncommon to have them here or there if you're struggling with having them more times than that or your child is feeling highly highly anxious then you definitely want to look at what's going

4:18 on during the daytime is there any uh family issues like oftentimes if there's a huge stressor or even a traumatic event um or a change in the family like a divorce or welcoming a new sibling or starting a new school or just starting a new school year uh which are things that we're going through right now halloween's coming up hello right lots of things happening lots of scary decorations um so if your child is struggling with a lot

4:47 of nighttime anxiety definitely take inventory of what's going on in the daytime okay and i'm going to talk about how you know practically speaking what that looks like what are some of the conversations to have with your little one okay welcome in y'all oops my chat wasn't updating oh i hate that okay cool now it is okay cool okay so let's talk about fear of the dark so that usually happens around two or three uh this is the time when

5:15 usually little ones will start to complain of the fear of the dark and let me know in the chat let me know is your little one afraid of the dark okay so i have two little ones i have a three-year-old and i have a four-year-old my three-year-old she don't she's fine she's fine with the dark she loves her sleep she is hot now my four-year-old on the other hand she has different sleep needs and she also

5:36 has had a long time she's also had a long history of fears of the dark um and so this is something we know very very well so i'm going to share some tips some things that we've tried then i'm going to also kind of catch you up to speed with how she's doing right now welcome in you guys as you guys join we are talking about bedtime fears as well as uh nighttime uh nightmares okay and also if you are watching on youtube

6:04 okay deborah said yes fear is of the dark okay thank you deborah for letting me know if you're watching on youtube please let me know if the audio is good because last time it was not and i didn't realize that until after it was over so let me know on youtube if you guys can hear me okay okay so usually happens around two or three as they're developing imagination so the first thing that you want to do is

6:29 approach this with curiosity okay cassie says she's a four-year-old who's afraid of the talk too okay i see you um approach it with curiosity don't assume that you know why they're afraid of the dark i would i would ask them what um what do you think is in the dark right what does your mind tell you about the dark that's a really good question what does your mind tell you about blank can be a really great curiosity question

6:53 about any kind of anxiety because it objectifies their fear right it make it places them outside of their fear so that they can think about it um from an objective standpoint right so what does your mind tell you about the dark um often times and this is what i've uncovered through talking with my daughter is she's afraid of shadows let me know in the chat if um any of your little ones have been afraid of shadows

7:17 right shadows are spooky they're scary right um and so whenever possible quick tip i mean try to if your little one says they are afraid of shadows of course try to eliminate the shadows or what i do is i explain you know what shadows are we go take a closer look at them and you know you can play different shadow games you know where you make faces um on the wall with the shadows kind of play around with it help them dispel

7:43 that myth that there's something spooky there and just help them understand that's just how how light and darkness work and also you can buy there's like these flashlights that project onto the wall kind of like a shadow and so that can be a fun way to introduce the idea of shadows uh you can also if your little one is afraid of the dark right now have like parties in the dark right and bring glow sticks again

8:08 bring your flashlight bring there's projectors you can bring those out have music and kind of just normalize being in the dark but also you know in a safe you know help them feel safe because you're there and you're having fun um and you can also another quick tip before i kind of share what we our approach is you can make a game out of it like okay we're gonna conquer our fears and um you know if you're able to conquer

8:38 your fear uh um in the next morning then you know you'll get a sticker or something you can experiment with that you know maybe even a sticker chart or just again making it a game out of it but i wouldn't start doing this until you've had a conversation with them dispelled any myths that they had you know made some made it and made a game out of it um so here's the thing about what we're doing

9:03 we've done a lot of these things and a lot of these things have helped her but ultimately y'all we turn off the light and she turns it back on and she sleeps with the light on and i'm okay with it and the reason why i'm okay with it is because she doesn't interfere with her sleep she plays a little bit and then she goes to sleep and then we after she goes to sleep we turn off the

9:26 light and it's usually okay after that so we've kind of just kind of rolled with it rolled with the resistance we've done a lot of education also i'm huge on children's books and i have created a list on my amazon page which you if you go to amazon.com forward slash shop forward slash the mom psychologist then you will see the uh book list that i have for you so we've we've read a lot of books fears of

9:54 the dark um scary dreams and that has been helpful so definitely try um try out books um but before we get move on to the nightmares because i have a lot to say about nightmares let me know if you have any questions for me about fears of the dark and how to handle it and again your conversation with them is going to be highly dependent on what they share with you about why they're scared of the dark

10:26 so for example if they say you know i'm scared of monsters in my closet okay then that's gonna change the conversation to okay let's talk about monsters right um and it's this is a big one right because monsters are huge in their screen time right in children's shows and cartoons and apps also movies and even books um and so it's a huge theme is monsters and so helping them understand that these are pretend

10:56 characters that these aren't real that they're wearing you know a costume um can be really really helpful for little ones because again they're starting to develop their imagination and it can be hard to distinguish you know what is real and what is not especially if they're seeing these things all of the time okay so cassie asked fears of the dark in context of trauma my four-year-old lost a sibling at three oh i'm sorry to hear that which is when

11:22 fear started absolutely also he's scared of monsters in his dreams knows they're not in his room okay very good and i'm going to talk about nightmares in a second but this is such a good point right that a lot of the times these bedtime anxieties are um contributed or especially if it's long-term right and it's not like a here you know here today gone tomorrow type of thing it's a long-term issue uh that it can be contributed to a stressor or a

11:49 traumatic event um and so that relationship exists and my biggest thing is to um i don't know if they're involved in therapy to help process and and grieve uh the loss of their sibling and to make sense of all of that um it's not uncommon for them to start you know being scared of death and scared that they're gonna die too or another loved one is gonna die so i really recommend when we talk about trauma uh childhood

12:14 trauma especially early intervention is so important so if you have the resources uh check with your insurance but definitely reach out to a child and family psychologist or therapist who can work one-on-one with them i think that is really really important and i'm so glad that you mentioned that cassie and i'm glad that you shared that with us i'll also share a little bit about like you know signs that maybe you should reach out to somebody else for more help

12:39 but definitely when we're thinking about trauma i would definitely not hesitate to reach out to somebody who can work more one-on-one right um and do some more trauma work and grieving you're welcome cassie i'm glad that was that was helpful and again i'm sorry for your loss okay let's get into nightmares if nobody else has any questions about the fear of dark okay deborah said my audio was good okay thank you all right so nightmares nightmares nightmares nervous so nobody

13:09 knows exactly what like causes nightmares there's a correlation between daytime anxiety and uh having more uh but again nobody knows you know the exact causes of it but again the the there is a relationship between stressor and life change and trauma with nightmares so especially if they're more consistent than not right then i would be starting to think about stressors and anxiety overall

13:40 um but they are extremely common as well right um it's very common for little ones just to have nightmares so in terms of prevention a lot of the work is going to be prevention work a lot of the work is going to happen during the day um because when you know everybody's tired the most important thing is to reassure them of their safety reconnect and put them down for bed but during the day is when you can do some prevention work

14:07 the first things first i've been spending a lot of time talking about uh bedtimes and i have a video on my youtube channel about bedtime routines because this is really really important is making sure that your bedtime routine involves a lot of connection and calm down time super important also making sure that they are getting enough sleep and they're not going to bed over tired because that has also been a risk factor of nightmares as well as night

14:34 terrors which i'm happy to talk about night terrors if anybody has any questions about that but uh definitely want to do inventory make sure that they're getting a lot of great sleep um and that their routine definitely check out my nighttime routine if you haven't already because i share kind of some of the things that are working for us right now in our routine uh also limit scary media you know just kind of pay attention and make sure that

14:59 they're not watching super scary things on their ipad or movies um because a lot of the times that can be contributing to their nightmares offer them comfort items at at night time you know a stuffed animal and you can kind of you know spend spend some time before they go to bed you know preparing for this and planning like okay what will make you feel more comfortable what can we change in your room maybe do should we have a night

15:25 light or a projector or a special bedtime item you can you know have them pick something out at the store um and kind of get them involved in the process right the more that they feel included in the process and they feel like it's being taken seriously the more successful it will be so definitely include them in the in the process and ask them this question what is going to help you find comfort in the middle of the night okay

15:52 the idea being that they can have agency over calming themselves down and that it's not going to be you all the time right um that's the overall goal so ask them what is going to help you calm down at night time when you get scared when you have a scary dream what's going to help you calm down and then you know um if it's a comfort item you can invite them to pick something out or or have something that they already have

16:19 um another big thing is to dispel myths a lot of the times children because they are egocentric they tend to think that the nightmares are prophecy right that oh this means this is going to happen to me or oh this is because i did something bad and i'm being punished now so you definitely want to have a conversation with them and make sure to dispel any of those myths and do some education about how dreams are just thoughts and thoughts are never

16:50 dangerous and what you can do is you can kind of do an activity with them role play with them where say okay i want you to close your eyes and i want you to imagine that your thumb is pink okay you have it in your mind imagine it imagine it open your eyes is your thumb pink oh no you were just imagining that with right with your thoughts your mind was imagining it so doing that and then

17:15 maybe closing your eyes and thinking oh i want you to imagine there's a pink elephant in the room oh open your eyes oh there's no elephant it was in your mind so doing some education making it silly making it playful but ultimately teaching them thoughts are never dangerous right our dreams are just thoughts and thoughts are never dangerous can be really really helpful for them okay let's talk about in the moment okay it's night time it's 2 a.m and your

17:42 little one has just woken up and complained of having a nightmare what in the heck do you do um reassure them your number one goal in those moments is to reassure them that they are safe right and that you are here reassure them of your presence you are i'm here with you you are safe that was your mind those are just thoughts you are safe right and then uh label what happened dan siegel has a really good book called the whole brain

18:08 child and tina bryce payson um tina bryce pain and they talk about naming it to tame it and how this especially if your child has experienced a stressful event or trauma you want to name what they experienced and tell a story around it now of course it's the middle of the night so you don't want to be really long about it but you can just simply say okay you had a bad dream right and now you woke up and you are safe now

18:39 but telling a little quick story can help them integrate their emotional brain right hemisphere with their left brain which is the linguistic this is why journaling helps this is why therapy is so powerful it's because when we can put words to our experiences it really really helps and so you can do this during the day absolutely do this during the day but in the night time you can do that as well just really quick okay keep

19:02 your words simple though you don't want to go on and on and on and wake them up even further um and then offer comfort and again go back to the comfort item right so that's why the prevention work helps okay what did we do what's gonna help you feel comfortable oh yeah that's right okay hug hug you know your little bear or whatever it is and um and then you know help them get back to rest now here's the biggest thing okay

19:28 do not have sleepovers and what i mean by sleepovers is don't invite them back into your bed don't let them crawl back into your bed don't get in the bed with them unless okay big caveat if you're fine with that if that's okay with you long term then it's fine with me right if it works for you i'm not against co-sleeping at all so if it works for you it works for me i'm just saying if you're not okay

19:51 with this being more of a long-term thing then you definitely don't want to start doing that and i know it's tempting right they're scared you want to reassure them you're tired you're ready to go back to sleep so you're looking for some short-term solutions but it's a short-term solution that can really backfire long-term because they're gonna grow to expect that um so you definitely don't wanna start having sleepovers i know it is tempting i know um and if

20:21 that's the case that you've you've kind of started that bad habit then you want to have a talk with them during the day right right before bed okay this is the new plan this is why we're coming up with a new plan and just be very consistent and be a brick wall write about it and just be consistent during the night to keep them in their bed okay that i think is all i have for you

20:46 i will i do want to end it by saying you know when do you seek help and i want to kind of just speak in general general anxiety right when does my child's fears become a concern or when should i reach out for more help and i will say if it is starting to impact their sleep more nights than not or just their overall functioning right because sleep has major impacts in how they do at school

21:10 their overall behavior during the day all that good stuff so if it is starting to become severe maybe you're trying some of these tips consistently and nothing is getting better maybe it's even getting worse then definitely you definitely want to reach out to support you can check with their pediatrician check with a local therapist or a psychologist um or also again if your child has experienced trauma they've experienced a really stressful traumatic event definitely definitely reach out for more

21:42 support right there's help out there you don't have to try to help them on your own with this and a lot of the times it's going to take some more long-term work and children are incredibly resilient but early intervention is so important especially when we think about trauma okay that is all i have for you guys um i hope that that was helpful i want to kind of just open it up to any questions that you guys have again my private

22:08 parent coaching community called the mom sisterhood is currently open for enrollment but it closes on monday so it's only open through the weekend and uh every month members get new classes around discipline positive parenting tantrums sibling arguments this month's master class is about setting boundaries with family as we approach the these uh holiday seasons next month we're going to have a master class on how to work with your partner or your

22:40 co-parent around discipline because i know that's a sore spot for a lot of us um and so yeah we have master classes we're also going to be having a live bonus class we do um private q and a coaching calls where you can ask questions and basically i coach you so if you're looking for more guidance more support um you want me to coach you through these things then definitely definitely definitely check out the mom sisterhood

23:07 it is currently open for enrollment oh you are welcome you are welcome peter patter i love that name the comments are rolling in so if i've missed your question you've already asked it don't be afraid to just copy and paste it um so let's do some q and a some q's and a's a mountain mama over on youtube said i love that such a great tool oops i forgot what you were saying but you're you are welcome i'm glad it was

23:36 helpful i feel like i've been missing your questions so let me know what questions you have about let me see let me just go up okay this is a good one princess um josiah i think sorry if i'm saying it wrong asked what do i do if my four-year-old daughter saw videos that

24:07 scared her i thought they were harmless stories about a wolf being a bad guy or things like that very very good okay the best thing you can do if this is something that is still affecting her is to talk about it and i'm gonna go back to that strategy of naming it to tame it um so i want you to talk about the scary event um so in this case it was it was seeing a scary video so talk

24:31 about the video talk about what she saw and then you want to open it up be get curious what about the video scared her because that's where you can begin to help her dispel any myths or provide some education or provide some reassurance and overall letting her know she is safe these things can be scary right so letting her know wolves aren't you know they're not around us um these uh are aren't things that are around us that can harm us

25:01 but also it's a dance right because you don't want to go to the point where you're like kind of minimizing it like oh you know there's nothing to be scared of uh so you definitely want to validate it and let her know like i've had those fears too before or you know you can share with her a fear that you have or you know in the context of nightmares i've had a scary dream before too you

25:22 know and maybe this you know this is what has helped me um or again reassuring these are just thoughts and thoughts aren't real but definitely talk to her and get get specific you know what about the video was scary and that will help you kind of know what to say and know how to kind of lead the conversation good question okay okay you said thank you she has been scared of the dark sky or the bare trees that look scary okay

25:52 yeah and i i would i would i would validate yeah those things are a little scary what's your mind telling you about the dark trees or whatever it is or the dark skies what is your mind telling you very good like exploratory curiosity question all right you guys if nobody has any of the questions then i'm gonna wrap it up here thank you guys for tuning in um in october i want to spend a lot more time

26:22 talking about discipline and intense feelings so be on the lookout for more lives around these these topics of discipline setting boundaries tantrums and all of that good stuff so um thank you guys again for joining me and i will see you guys in the next one you are welcome thank you for hanging out with me happy friday y'all have a good weekend bye