How to Stop Fighting with Your Partner About Parenting

0:00 what is up you guys and welcome back to my channel if you are new here i am dr jasmine over at themompsychologist.com and i am coming back to you guys with another ask jasmine so if you are currently struggling with seeing eye to eye with your partner with regards to parenting i just want to first off start off by saying you are not alone i think this is literally a universal issue or challenge i should say that

0:29 parents go through um because it's impossible to see eye to eye on everything especially something as big as parenting and our parenting views are going to differ um especially you know as our our little ones grow and they're you know come across different challenges different ages and stages so in this video i'm going to share some helpful things that i think will be important to keep in mind as you you know navigate co-parenting whether you are

0:59 co-parenting with your spouse or co-parenting with your ex partner um so let's just get into it okay so a couple things actually before we get into the video one don't forget to download my positive parenting checklist bundle it includes what to do and what to say during the most challenging parenting moments like tantrums and aggression you know you can go ahead to you know forward that bundle to your partner and you know give them some ideas

1:26 the link will be in the description um if you want to check it out okay so here's the question that i received how do i deal with my significant other telling me that i don't tell him what to do or how to enforce punishment to our almost three-year-old when he gets hit in the face because he's annoying our toddler by the time he sees our son we are all tired and ready for bed i try to tell

1:51 him of what i learned from you and other professionals to talk to our son that it's you know not right to hit people etc he tells me he will do it his way because i'm babying our son when i'm actually learning methods to educate my son help it's a constant argument that i don't tell him what to do so i want to start off by saying mom i sympathize with you and this issue i

2:22 know again like i said how challenging this can feel when you're counseling butting heads at your partner and you feel like they're actually attacking you when you're trying to you know do the right thing or learn um as much as you can about positive parenting practices and i know you know in general when we are on this path of change or when we are on this path of growth or learning something new um our first kind of thing that we try

2:50 to do is get everybody else that we know on board because we know how awesome it can it can be we know the positive outcomes that can happen we are happy we are seeing positive changes and we want everybody that we love to be on board and i want to start off by saying that unfortunately we can't control anybody and the more that we try to control people our spouses our children our family and our friends

3:18 and anybody right in general um the more that we try to control people actually the more distance that grows between us and the less influence we have over them so i want to start off by saying our goal here is not to control the other partner or to make them change before they are ready okay what we do have control over is how we parent what we learn what we implement and and all we can do is hope

3:50 that the other parent sees all those positive changes sees how your child is responding differently to you versus them and then get on board i think that is where our influence comes is by modeling what we're learning and keeping a positive attitude and keeping an attitude of like i'm not trying to control you here i'm just trying to just share with you what i'm learning and show you actually in the moment what it looks like and the benefits i think that's

4:19 where people get on board is when they see the benefits of what you're doing and it's just sort of clicks or makes more sense okay i don't have to struggle over here and do it this way if i do it this way i get better results ah okay i should try that next time so similarly to what i would suggest if we were up against a struggle or a challenge with our little one the same goes with our spouse i would

4:43 lead with connection so i would try to understand first where he's coming from why he's saying the things that he is saying and so starting with having some open communication about the ways in which he was parented and how that might be influences influencing his beliefs and his parenting practices today because what often happens is we tend to repeat what we have learned from our caregivers unless we are super intentional about doing things

5:16 differently so some good questions to ask um and to explore and to communicate around is you know how wha was your attachment with your caregivers did you feel connect connected with them or did you feel disconnected did they play often with you or were they often detached how did they handle your mistakes or um your you know challenges did they meet you with anger and aggression or did they lead the way and teach you a different way how did

5:46 your caregivers discipline you what was the general atmosphere of the home in which you grew up with these are all great questions for you one to explore within yourself and communicate with your partner but also to ask them and in a way of like i want to get to know you more i want to open this up i want to open up this communication i want to understand you better and then you can take it a

6:09 step further by leading with identifying their strengths you know i know it's so easy to focus on what's not going right and what you want to change but actually i know it sounds counter productive but if we lead with focusing on our partner's strengths we're going to be more fruitful right we're going to see more positive changes so what is he doing right um what are some things that you really admire about him as a dad

6:37 is it his connection with his son how he plays with him how he loves on him how he works very hard to provide for the family like what are your your spouse's strengths and how can you communicate that to them so you know thanks for listening or thanks for hearing me out thanks for always being here for us i love how you xyz or i know how much you care for our little ones that i don't take for granted so really

7:04 leading with some positive affirmations really identifying and being very specific about what you like and what his strengths are and then during that conversation you want to identify two or three tops uh non-negotiables that you guys both agree on so whether that's health and safety or respect or education in homework or chores identify some things that you both have common ground on and what your plan of action is when your child

7:34 displays those behaviors right so when they're disrespectful and um are aggressive or calling you names for example what are you guys both going to do consistently because that is the most important thing um is to try to get on some common ground of how you guys both plan to uh re respond in those situations so you'll want to you know come up with a plan together of how you're going to set expectations and limits and consequences around those

8:05 themes and again just start with two three max in terms of non-negotiables that you both can agree on because this is going to set you guys up for success right if you guys can both find some common ground about a couple things um it can get the ball rolling right and so during these conversations overall you want to lead with sharing your feelings your experiences and being very careful not to put any blame on them right

8:31 so you want to use a lot of i statements and lead with sharing and being open and vulnerable about how this conflict and this disconnect is affecting you and how you want to problem solve it in the future the other important thing to do during these conversations is to share your needs and make very specific requests so for example can say you know i need for us to be a united front in front of our son

9:00 can you back me up when i make when i set limits can you be by my side that's a very active consequence or not consequence that's a very active request that's very specific and also um you know avoid overall undermining your children in front of your spouse because you know rarely things are emergencies right and they rarely need to be handled in the heat of the moment and so focus on having these conversations away from the children

9:29 when everybody is calm they're rested so not at the end of the day ideally you know maybe it's at lunch or during a nap on a weekend where you guys can sit down and have a fruitful conversation when everybody is at a good place so hold off on making any criticisms any remarks about their parenting in the heat of the moment what you can do during those moments is offer to help them instead so you can

9:55 say you know i can step in if you need to take a break you know things are getting heated right so um present try as much as possible to present as a united front and model that so model that for not only your spouse but also for your child because if you undermine your spouse in front of your child they're going to be less likely to listen or respect that caregiver and then it's just going to lead to a

10:20 whole host of other problems that you don't want to have okay so as much as possible focus on handling your disagreements and communicating when the little ones are away because again a lot of this is not an emergency and it doesn't need to be handled in the heat of the moment and so you know i talked a lot in this video about the conversations that you can have i really think especially if this is an ongoing issue

10:44 that you should have at least weekly check-ins you know schedule them in if possible so that you guys are making a regular point to check in with each other communicate lead with connection lead by trying to understand his background or her background and trying to you know get or elicit their feelings in this experience right get them to share you know their challenges and their struggles in parenting and try to find some common ground yeah i struggle with that too

11:15 oh man i don't know what to do in that situation either and then my biggest tip for parents is to learn positive parenting information together that is a great way to learn and then get on the same page right because after you learn after you watch a class or watch a video or read a book you guys can then come together and be like okay well what did you agree with what didn't you agree with you know what

11:40 applies to us what doesn't apply what's our plan of action you know and again identifying those non-negotiables together and then coming up with a plan so learning positive parenting is together i think is one of the biggest hacks so that's why i always encourage parents to you know schedule when i do my parent coaching or my therapy like both parents ideally should be present so that they can ask questions they can hear the information together and of course at the end

12:08 you guys will be on the same page to then come together and collaborate on what is going to work best for your family and of course don't forget the power of modeling okay again we don't have control over anybody in this world especially not our spouse or our children right all we can do is hope to influence them in a positive direction and the best way to influence is to lead by example and show them the

12:34 power and the results that you're getting in your new parenting approach i hope this video was helpful um if you would like to submit a question to me for a chance to be answered in my next youtube video i will include the form below and also don't forget to check out my positive parenting checklist bundle it includes 13 checklists full of information on what to do and say during the most pa uh challenging i should say parenting

13:06 moment so the link will be in the description again just you know forward that to them say oh what are your thoughts on that i came across this little bit of information what do you what do you think about that this can spark a nice little discussion there and don't forget to give this video a thumbs up if you enjoyed it subscribe to my channel to join the family and i will see you guys in the next one

13:28 bye