Transcript
0:00 Sibling conflict or sibling rivalry as it's often called is a very common problem by treating our children as equals. We think we're doing them a favor. But the attachment processes don't work this way. They always have to place children who are attaching to each other, one in the dominant mode and the other in the dependent mode. Of course, this renders huge competition between kids and it just aggravates the problem. Mom, he's bossing me around. Won't do what he's told. And so you have all kinds of problems in their relationship between them. In traditional societies, families are ordered very carefully. In fact, in the Bellan society, their names represent their birth order. And so one is perceived to be the answer to the other instead of equals. And so it doesn't force nature to put one over the other. The way children should interact with each other in a family is that all should be orbiting around the parents.
0:55 The parents should be the ones that matter most. You could think of the planets in the universe. What is the secret to harmony in the universe? Well, if the planets were orbiting around each other, there'd be chaos in the universe. The planets need to orbit around the sun. And so, first of all, that's very important. You're going to be able to orchestrate the behavior of your children much better if both of them are orbiting around you rather than around each other. And the other thing is matchmaking. If you matchmake, even from a 2-year-old to a baby, that the brother is the answer to the little sister. Oh, look, look at him smile when he's in your arms and you watch that big brother find his alpha instincts and he's moved to take care of rather than compete with. And so, one becomes the answer to the other, the belonging, the significance and so on. And if you do this with your children, if you help matchmake uh one to be the answer to the other, they move to take care of each other, to help each other, to consider each other rather than compete each other. And if we got those kinds of things right, we would have much less problems with sibling conflict and rivalry.
Summary
- Sibling rivalry is exacerbated by treating children as equals.
- Attachment processes require a dominant and dependent dynamic between siblings.
- Traditional societies often recognize birth order, influencing sibling relationships.
- Children should orbit around their parents, not each other, to maintain harmony.
- Matchmaking siblings can foster care and support rather than competition.
- Encouraging one sibling to take on a nurturing role can reduce conflict.
- Proper orchestration of sibling relationships leads to fewer issues in family dynamics.