Dr Shefali on the Pitfalls of Parenting and How to Avoid Them at Impact Theory

0:00 hey everybody welcome to impact theory you were here my friends because you believe that human potential is nearly limitless but you know that having potential is not the same as actually doing something with it so our goal with this show and company is to introduce you to the people and ideas that will help you actually execute on your dreams all right today's guest is a clinical psychologist and acclaimed author on the topic of parenting who's not only on

0:25 Oprah's supersoul 100 list but Oprah said brace yourself that in the 30 years she's been doing interviews this woman is the best she's ever seen not bad born in India but trained in the West her work focuses on the integration of Eastern philosophy and mindfulness into the realm of growth expansion and transformation bringing some much-needed pizzazz to the somewhat homogeneous world of self-improvement her views on parenting aren't just unconventional they're downright controversial her ideas are so fresh that they cut through

0:55 the clutter of the books designed to tell you how to fix your child and instead ask you to fix yourself first her approach to what she calls conscious parenting has attracted global attention and the Dalai Lama himself wrote the preface to her first book praising her ability to bring compassion to the masses and she has certainly gotten good at reaching the masses she's been asked to speak all over the world at high-profile events like wisdom 2.0 TEDx

1:21 Kellogg Business School the Dalai Lama Center for peace and education and a gaggle of others you've got to see these things people practically throw their backs out jumping to their feet at the end of her talks she is amazing at conveying complex new ideas as such she also has a thriving private practice where she helps individuals couples and families with the process of finding their truest selves according to her she's always known she'd make a career

1:46 out of helping people heal and I can't imagine a profession much more noble than that so please help me in welcoming the best-selling author whose latest book the awaken family is truly a revolution in parenting the woman Oprah called revolutionary and life-changing the astounding dr. Shefali absolutely it is a pleasure I'm glad that you're here so it's funny so doing that intro I know your feelings on leading people especially kids to

2:18 believe that they have potential and that they have to do something like this I was in reading I'm like ah she's really gonna have a field day with this one but what define for us what conscious parenting is I think that will give us the framework to really dive in sure well consciousness you know first needs to be understood as a commitment to unearthing the emotional and conditioned legacies of your mind so we've all inherited so much baggage you

2:48 know from culture and from unconscious parents and their ancestors and as a result we grow into these legacies without ever questioning how do they work for me you know who am I in all of this and what is my truth in all of this so we live off prescriptive checklists and believe that if we don't follow that checklist then we are somehow lesser than and when we do this with a child who's come into this world with a

3:17 throbbing spirit desirous of kind of figuring it out and we've kind of already ruined that chance by you know here's the checklist this is what I believe is success and failure and beauty and achievement and now follow my way or you're already an outcast in my eyes so the process of consciousness in parenting mandates that the parent not hand over that prescription and in order for the parent to not hand that over means that they have had to come to let

3:48 go that prescription themselves they've had to somehow deconstruct their own emotional legacies and find their own truth so that they can then unleash it in their child it really is neat the way that your book focuses so much on the parent and not on the kid and as somebody who doesn't have kids I haven't read a lot of parenting books but certainly I've encountered enough of this to realize normally its tactics tools techniques to really help your kid

4:17 manaphy their potential or get into the best school or you know whatever that book is aimed at when did you start thinking about the fact that this is really a a problem aimed at the parents that it's a cycle that it's literally just generation after generation it's being passed down what was that moment for you yeah it was quite apathetic because I did not want to see this you know this is not a convenient truth to tell the

4:41 parent that they have to fix themselves I mean the last thing a parent because we're very defensive and we always believe we're right and this is our one chance to show the world that this we got it right you know we're good enough our children and now being told that it is not the child and it's all you and there's something you need to look at is threatening for the parent is threatening for anyone no one wants to

5:02 look in the mirror correct so now to be asked to look in the mirror and the most intimate profound experience in relationship of your life is deeply ominous for a parent it takes a lot of courage but when I came upon it is as a therapist working with family after family and observing that here were parents who had completed the checklist they had financial success they had emotional longevity in long-term relationships they had arrived and yet there was a deep dysfunction or

5:31 deep disconnection between themselves and their children so that led me to be curious you know well what is it you know if it isn't what we think it is success money marriage stability maturity then what is it and I began to see that it's this thing that I call consciousness which is really the parents inability to realize that there's this thing called conditioning that obscures the ability to see the child for who it is so because we've been conditioned you we

6:01 don't even know we're so conditioned with like cultural norms and stuff but everything we're conditioned by our own childhood by the unconsciousness of our parents we're conditioned by culture in terms of norms what is right what would you say though the unconsciousness of our parents you mean that they've just handed over what they were handed all their stuff they've not been aware they've not been attuned they've not been aligned they've just been doing what they were told was the right way to

6:24 live but what this does this this immediate placement of a way to be obscures the ability for the child to develop their way right they never get to figure out who it is they are they never hear the sole calling from within they never hear the beat of their own essence they just come to be herded into cattle right and this is where there's a disconnect because the child is like hey see me and all they see reflected back

6:54 is the parents ideation of what they should be and then the abyss between who the child believes they are and who they feel they should be grows wider so you have well you know in adulthood you see all grown up children walking around lost and aimless finding who it is they are why is it that you're doing this show to help children grow and children recover what they once had and that's a tragedy right because they had it we all

7:20 had it once so what happens what happens is that the parent because of their unconsciousness and their being you know completely overwhelmed by conditioning to pluck the child's essence out and and shove all this unconscious garbage in which has never been deconstructed and they tell the child how to be then the child has to go through all their live and then one day have an epiphany or hit be vomiting on a bathroom floor you know overdose that they begin to say

7:47 and I need to find who it is I am and that's this endless cycle we're all on it we're all not reading my books and watching your shows to recover from the parenting we received that's it's really really interesting so I'll walk you through my transition reading your book I think it would be very familiar to you okay so the team brought you to my attention said I think you're really gonna be blown away I see it on my Amish

8:14 is amazing like so you're so good at your talks on my god that you are amazing and so immediate yeah absolutely bring her on then I go into like the real research where I dive in I'm reading the books like really really going in and I start hearing some of your like real philosophies about parenting and I was like oh I can't like I was shocked I'll be honest I was like wow man like so and the wonderful part

8:39 is we're gonna play a game sort of here in a minute because I'm so fascinated by how can assistant you are with your answers but when you when you really start that deconstruction process of okay you don't get to pour yourself into your child your child is not owned by you what does that really look like as a parent and and I was going through that like in real time like wait if I had a kid like

9:01 I wouldn't be able to tell them what to do I wouldn't be able to you know take ownership and guide them and and so that was really really fascinating chikki how do you help parents through that when well first what is it that makes them cling so hard and then how do you help them through it it's really tricky you know from green beans to having sex to young it's knowing where that line is you know but it's the same thing though

9:25 it's really it's what's your stance as a parent you know can I shove those green means down can I stop my kid from having sex like what is my jurisdiction what is that sovereign line it's really tough and the beauty of life though is that there is no line in stone most of it isn't sand and it's uncomfortable life is this eternal dance between the knowing and the not knowing between the possessing and complete non-possession between the doing and the non doing is

9:54 in life constantly the art of this no more do you see it you know played out than in the parent-child relationship the child is asking you guide me control me I don't know how to do it and you're like yeah I'll do it I'll help you I'll show you but then you're like then you suddenly reach a line where the child can't do it and can't do it your way so now you have to back off then you go in

10:13 and then you to back off you have to be there everything you have to provide care for and you know give everything but you can't really own them you know it's this constant dance between stepping into the the doing and the ego of it and your role as a parent to step in completely out of it to understanding that your children are here ultimately to be their own sovereign beings so you can try and pretend and identify with

10:38 the role but ultimately they're their own person so you and then you back off yeah you go close then you have to back off and if you don't and you ramrod into your child because you don't see the line no parent sees the line you miss the line the line is like way back you should have stopped way back two years ago right but you can go ahead then the kid will we'll create something to push you away

10:59 they'll either slam the door they'll create the defense they'll move to China they'll do something to go okay back off now I need to find who it is I am or they will wander in an addiction because they don't know how where to go because you don't know your boundary right as a parent so when you're working with these families and they're coming and they're struggling is there like a system that you go through to to break it down to

11:24 help them identify that and because one thing I think about when I look at it is kids brains aren't developed so if I I was imagining you doing a parent and child session and the parent has all these rules and they've overstepped their bounds but the child literally has a underdeveloped brain so how risky tease my words is it too so fully empower somebody whose brain hasn't finished developing to really take autonomy right right right but conscious

11:57 parenting is about being attuned to who your child is at the stage they're in so it does require knowing some psychology and it does require knowing developmentally where your child is you know I always say parents become parents they don't take a single psychology course they don't understand development how is that possible there needs to be some license now don't you think like something some qualifying exam horniness cannot be only like I was in love no

12:24 that can't be a qualifier for raising a child so you have to understand the divine I'm a psychologist so I understand right so being attuned to who your child is at their stage of development understanding their brain and then giving the input that's needed of course right you you do have a bedtime right you do aim for a bedtime but you don't aim for a bedtime that's 7:30 for where you aim for bedtime that's between 7:30 and 9:00 right

12:51 because you understand you're doing my choice without the day of the choice you're working with someone who's infinitely malleable and your work you're not working with a soldier or a puppet so but but on the other hand you do have to have a bedtime so you understand what I'm saying it's playing the dance of both you create a an inbuilt structure in your life but you also don't go crazy and drive your kid nuts because now it's

13:12 8:05 and bedtime was supposed to be 7:30 right you do it with the art of balancing the doing with the being and ultimately being as in connecting to the child must triumph so all too often you see parenting is all about the doing all about the commands and the controls and the directives because we feel comfortable in the knowing but really the precious jewel of having children is to understand that they come here to teach you how to be especially young

13:40 children they come here to teach how to be in the present moment and they ask you to shed your ideas of Worth and identity and success and they ask you to recognize can you accept me for who it is I am and you will see most parents do not accept their children for who it as they are because they're not good enough or great enough or fabulous enough or not some accolade enough not a degree enough and then I show parents that the

14:06 reason they can't do this accept their child unequivocally for who it is they are is because they haven't accepted themselves for who it is they are how much pushback do you get a lot yeah like people walk out of the room I'm not surprised at all for anybody thinking about stopping this I will tell you it only gets better and this stuff really adds up and there's a consistency to it while you were talking I was thinking

14:29 about I really hope you've seen this The Sound of Music yes you've seen it okay so when my wife and I were considering having kids we've decided not to so don't worry I was so enamored by him blowing the whistle and the kids lining up I was like oh my gosh I'm gonna I'm gonna do that like that was like my fantasy children and then yeah when I read your book has like oh yeah that would have been a mistake the

14:51 seven would have been a problem too yeah start with that so does that movie in my mind listening to you talk that movie encapsulate the transition somewhat from going from sort of the extreme end of imposing your will to then bringing somebody in who really tries to discover who the children are and in that discovery you really see the kids blossom what a great metaphor yeah I'd never used it now well yes you have this very left brain thinking do

15:24 you know militaristic persona of the patriarch who rigidify is everything and believes that children are to be seen not heard and their puppets really minions to his directives right but they're really lifeless and they're scared of him and they're not exposing who it is they are they're pretending they've created a false sense of self right they all like standing to attention they're all they're just obedient because they're in fear so that's the predominant traditional parenting paradigm control based

15:51 hierarchical dogmatic and dominant and then you cut this woman comes in and she's creative and she speaks from the soul and she speaks their language and they suddenly begin to peel away all their defences to emerge into who it is they are they begin to fall in love the sixteen year old and the children begin to be mischievous and they begin to touch who they what the essence is so which one do you want do you want the

16:12 robot and the puppet but you'll have silence or do you want life and creativity but you'll have chaos yeah it's amazing reading your book the thing that I think blew me away the most a was how deep so as somebody who doesn't have kids I just began to see how much this impacts my own life and how I can internalize the lessons and really felt like it applied to virtually everything I mean as you're asking the parents to

16:38 do the work anyway right so it's really deconstructing what's what has been given to me what is true to me what's the you know truest version of myself in fact I'll ask that question before where I was going how do you identify or cultivate or whatever that word is the truest version of yourself but just to piggyback on what Jesus said my work seems to be about the very entire relationship but it's really about healing the the child within the

17:06 parent and in that respect it's for every human being I would agree that every human being is a child so it's in the under the umbrella and the guise of the parent wanting to pick up the book because it's about the child but when they pick it up and they realize this is about how they have to yet confront who it is they truly are so to your question how do you develop the truest self well

17:28 most of us have been divorced from it this is just the tragic truth for the reasons I said we've been given a prescription we've been raised through a conditioned lens not a lens that Juliana's who it is we are so in order to now recover that we have to peel back the layers we have to undo all that has been done to us so we have to read question all that we should have never been given answers to and we should have

17:50 been allowed to discover on our own such as who is God what is God what is religion what is beauty what is achievement what is success what is the truth write those questions those big life questions should have been led to us not given to us we should have been led to discover them this should not have been given to us packaged because maybe they don't work for us and it is through the discovery of those answers that we

18:13 discover who it is we are and we discover our relationship with the universe so we are robbing our children of this valuable process by handing them this list all we need to do really is just to guide them and the most essential thing we need to do is discover those answers for ourselves and value the sovereign right to muddle and fumble and stumble and mess up because when we value it and see how much its given us we let our children suffer we

18:40 let our children fumble because we know where it's gonna take them because we saw where it took us that was one of the things that really made me fall in love with what you were saying is that notion that I get it I get you want to protect your kids from pain but look at your own life and the strength that you've developed and the clarity that you gained from the times that you fell down from the times that you struggled and

19:02 how Wow this by the way this is the reason I don't have kids I'm afraid I don't have the ability to watch them suffer and that was the final thing where I was like this is the greatest lesson for parents to realize the power of pain and our desire to fix it for our children and to control it because we're trying to mitigate and control it for ourselves but we've never been able to but this is

19:24 the universe's biggest lesson you have to surrender life is pain life is unpredictable it's it's a curveball it's a crapshoot it's some adventure and if you don't live it waking up every day saying maybe this is the day I will fully give it all up and change and start anew we're so afraid to mold the skin we're so afraid so we'd much rather live in the conformity of stagnancy you know as long as we remain the same you know it's much easier

19:52 but life is not that and our children come kind of ready to be that ever morphing you look at a child crying biggest here is one moment and then gleefully excited the next they have the capacity to morph we rob them of this capacity we stagnate we rigidify them so we need to learn from them they live in every moment present and whatever the present moment asked they engage and then they moved to the next moment ready

20:17 again new beginner's mind you know so all spiritual lessons of the Mystics are ever-present in this potential of this moment you know and our children show us that we're just afraid pain is the greatest teacher doesn't mean youself flagellate and self inflict it just means you you don't hold yourself back in the fear of it you just live fully right in the ultimate fear is that of death right that's what we are warding off you know but so what homelessness

20:48 jail or death I tell my parents you know so is that those are the three fears that you could do be homeless end up in jail and die now let's deconstruct those I heard that first in a talk that you gave and I was like literally in my mind oh like she's gonna be okay with this kid being homeless and then you like what's so bad about being homeless know it right it was fascinating well if that

21:09 is their destiny you you're not going to take them there you're not going to stop them either so how do you steer them though because any parent like that's where when they don't see that you have guidelines that you have the bed time that is flexible you know all the things you would over before but when they don't see that and they hear it sounds flippant right but I know that it's not having even nothing it sounds flip

21:32 because people come from the mind they don't even understand what I'm talking about till they begin to live it it sounds horrific okay it's a horror show for somebody who's rule-bound who's that guy and sound of music he was horrified by her right he she had to work so hard breaking down his defenses because he lives in fear his paradigm is fear his life is based on fear so for that parent this is a horror show right but they're

21:56 the ones crippled in fear not me right so when I show them that they're living in their mind they're not here in the present moment when you live in the present in more and more not everyone can live in hundred-percent then your deeply attuned to what it is your child needs therefore you will have guidelines but the guidelines are not coming from someone else's rigid definitions they're coming from their emanating from the moment if you're deeply present to your

22:19 child you would know when your child needs to sleep you would know your child doesn't like green beans don't push them but give them something else what do you do though if the kid you know they need to sleep like you can see everything about it but they do need sleep the child will sleep there's no child who will not sleep right there is no child who would not sleep you just thought the kid is like fussy and crying in the

22:36 process like they just need a nap but they refuse right but there's a way so yo you know you you're gonna give me extreme example like there there and another that's right you've presented to me that's what parents do but there's a way to work with the kid you know they need a nap but you know they're not ready so you want to get them here but you can't like yank them from the collar and bludgeon them to that right you have

22:57 to find a way to to go you want to you trust me you want to you want to ask any parent I've won like go to sleep book why do you think they look that so well right it's because the worst thing is after nine o'clock at night you can't deal with the crying child after nine o'clock at night right and it's the child's fault really afternoon I would even think you know like who stays awake

23:20 after 9:00 like that's my time right but so that's where you begin working on them from five o'clock in the you know in see your glass of wine at 9:00 and you have to start at 5:00 you know you wear them down slowly but there's a way you work it through what I'm saying is that these are not minions you know you've you have to come alive to the impossibility of getting these beings to get on track it's an impossibility the

23:45 way to do it is not through control the way to do it to doing it is to enter the present moment deeply connect and through that connection the child will move they do move children do want to be connected and rested and well fed they are just children now deal with them you know talk to me when you say be in the present moment does that be aware of what's really going on don't be bringing the past is that you talk about kids and

24:12 parents living in different time zones is that that concept or is it something entirely well it's it's an uber spiritual concept of learning to be here right so you want your child asleep but they're fussy so you can keep battling it or you can accept the as isness of it and now work with what you have it's the parent who cannot accept the isness of the now so your child is throwing a railing tantrum but you're imagining a

24:39 quiet night right and the discrepancy that's why I say the clash of the time zones or the clash of the fantasy versus the reality right so the parent who's stuck in the past or the future or the fantasy simply will want to yell control and you know lock the kid up because it's in there the enemy who is ruining my moment versus understanding this is the isness of your child now enter that moment doesn't mean accept or indulge

25:05 accept that it is here it's not that it's this now work with what you have half of the battles are because we don't want to accept our child is not our fantasy this is half the battle the the main battle is my child is not who I thought my child would be either not a superstar soccer player fantastic pianist or obedient genuflecting little servant you know you said something in the book that and I want to go over the

25:32 myths cuz I think there's like they stopped me dead in my tracks cuz they're so raw but you said something in the book where was like you actually the father was like a really high achiever and you basically said you actually don't accept your child as average like if they're average you have a problem with that and that would be hard to take but for overly successful ambitious perfectionistic you know men and women that's good it would be very hard but

26:05 the the problem reading it is he wanted to believe that he did love and accept his child as average and if I remember right he like sort of really pushes back against you and like don't be so absurd of course I do yes do people come around and finally realize whoa like I don't and then I don't want to lose this and the guilt once they realize like look at the Epiphany is like a floodgate of guilt

26:28 right so it's like you know if I allow myself to have the Epiphany I have to feel however old my kid is now I feel badly about that and how do you help you so do they have the Epiphany yeah and then how do you help them through the flood of guilt yeah so the Epiphany yes is married to guilt so I often say when you know when I do workshops if you're going to leave here

26:49 without guilt you haven't learned anything so some amount of guilt is good I'm not talking about again self-abnegation and shame I'm talking about a healthy dose of oh my god like I didn't know this and then quickly to transform it into action and the action being transformation you know not wallowing in the guilt now and being in bed for the next three months so most parents who are raised on a diet of overachievement on doing on mine base

27:18 which is the whole of the world now but especially the Western world but catching up greatly in the East I have a very hard time understanding that their drive is not organic necessarily but coming out of their inadequacy their fear their lack they've just been indoctrinated to compensate for this and they've never fully healed from their encountering their ordinariness and so when I say that that's what's driving you and then they get in touch with their little boy or little girl who

27:48 truly felt ordinary and not good enough in that ordinariness that's when the epiphany occurs so then I make them see how it's now being projected onto the child don't do this to your child your child is okay and holding the ordinate ordinariness the child doesn't need more to feel more of themselves they didn't come with this egoic desire to attach to phd's or labels or judgments or wealth to feel themselves children feel themselves just by who it is they are

28:16 they are thus they have the simplest access to wholeness we rob them of this so yes the Epiphany takes a while to come around when it does then comes guilt then comes transformation it's a pretty incredible process the process it's a process and how much of this did you have nailed down before you had your daughter and how much of it has changed now that you've you know spent more than a decade being a parent you know I

28:43 thought I had it all down you know I thought I'd deconstructed my ego because I had been meditating and studying Eastern philosophy for 12 years before I had my child but there's something about having your own is a special kind of mess up you know you see it in a very in a special way you know you can see someone else's mess up and you can comment it but when you see it in yourself and I

29:06 was horrified I saw my own shadow not yet healed I saw my ego and my desire and my fear all fear just comes about that you thought you had conquered but here it is and now you're obsessed with your child doing well in your child turning out okay and the only drive from the moment they're born is to get them to a good school and then just get them out of the house okay like it's perverse right the

29:31 oath every day it's just go to sleep and then go to college like who are you gonna marry and how much money are you going to make when you're 30 but then we're missing the whole process of it and so I had not gotten it figured out and when I saw my own raging ego which I still see on a daily basis and my own fears it's all fear-based you know and I see parents plagued by

29:53 fear and we're not enjoying the parenting process so I helped mitigate those fears and liberate them from their fears so one thing that and and I'll pitch this to the people watching at home one thing you guys will see is you dive into her world is she's always honest you're always honest about like your own foibles and the difficulties in your relationship and you'll use your daughter as examples a lot which is it makes it so accessible which is really

30:22 awesome and then it also brings round to the reminder of who's doing the work which ultimately is right right so what what are techniques that any of us can use to figure that out to get in touch to if we're going to because you've been so successful I know you've worked very very hard to get where you're at and there and as somebody who's who I won't say also because maybe it's very different for us both but I'm very

30:46 ambitious and at times in my life the process was ugly there's no question but then you know at times it's been really beautiful and really fun and so how do you to reconcile those things which if you were to describe on paper wouldn't necessarily sound being in touch with the true self like how do you deconstruct that and make sure you're on a good path I guess well it's it's my commitment to this work right I'm not

31:16 doing this for the ego or the achievement it comes it's great but I'm not fixated on it so my ultimate point of it all is to be authentic and to uncover and deconstruct my own minds toxic toxicities so I can liberate myself because if I liberate then only I have a hope to liberate help liberate someone else do you have a process for that I am and if you if it is meditation like what form of meditation it's it's

31:46 it's largely meditative but not just checking out of intellect right using the intellect to discern using wisdom and the meditative process so constantly deconstructing what I'm going through if I'm triggered I deconstruct so active deconstruction but meditation really and it's the past my meditation that I do it's Insight Meditation inside insight okay it's insight into your true nature and are you trying to create a quiet mental space to be able to hear

32:16 like intuitive thoughts yeah it's really the most basic way of meditating it's just bare bones it's hard core it's just you sit you follow your breath and follow breath and you follow your breath and there's a science behind it and through the witnessing of your breath in the present moment in the present moment in the present moment you learn to detach from your thoughts and you realize the empowerment in nature of reality because you realize your

32:43 thoughts are impermanent and the now is impermanent so you begin to live in the impermanence of the now fully so you realize the emptiness of the now but you begin to live in there now even more fully and so if you do you follow your thoughts as they come are you trying to quiet them no you don't do anything you just stay on your breath you only focus on your breath and you're never not a judgmental you're never trying you're

33:11 never striving you're just watching everything you develop the the witnessing I you get in touch with your essence behind the awareness the field of awareness behind the doing self so I got into meditation about three years ago I don't know that it has a name I call it just breathe meditation that's great I just do what you're saying follow the breath I think of it as trying to maximize the inherent pleasure of each part of the breath cycle which

33:40 allows me to really focus on the breath which allows me then because of the sort of bio mechanisms that play to get out of the sympathetic nervous system into the parasympathetic I'm calming my heart rate I'm sowing my breathing I can really feel that sort of deep diaphragm breath calm that you get when you do it which is very very effective for me I bring that up because what the way that that's been leverageable and my life is

34:09 in a business scenario when a anxiety is spiking like if I'm about to give a talk or something every time I give a talk right before I go onstage I I meditate and that has been really really helpful for me is that how you use it where it's like as you're in a moment where the the stress is you're arguing with your daughter let's say and how does that training of being in the impermanent now how does that like manifest really in

34:38 the moment yeah in the in the now you've trained yourself to to pause to go inward to detach to step back to create a space and just that immediately stops the blind reactivity that children bring out in you you know you allow them to bring out in you so the the more the gap the more the space the more the creativity the more the compassion the more the connection right that's really interesting here you're not just being

35:03 led by the past led by the shoulds of life led by their tantrum led by someone else's unconscious you're able to discern okay that person isn't their ego right now I don't need to play makes a lot of sense all right I love your parenting myths I rarely like take chunks of something but these were too good and I was like if I forget I will be so upset all right so first I'm just gonna read through them all because I think

35:33 people are gonna be a little bit shocked and then I want to go a little bit deeper into some of them so remember these are myths she's saying these are not how it should be so parenting myth number one parenting is about the child that was very surprising parenting myth number two a successful child is ahead of the curve it's a myth number three there are good children and bad children number four good parents are naturals

35:57 number five a good parent is a loving one that one I literally reread twice I was like wait a second so myth it is a myth that a good parent is a loving one definitely talk about that six parenting is about raising a happy child equally shocking and seven parents need to be in control all right let's start with five because that was the one that was just like a showstopper for me so a good parent is a loving one

36:23 why is that a myth because no one really loves no one really truly loves anyone well everyone loves conditionally and the conditions are need me can I need you can I depend on you depend on me give me words don't let me go make me happy satisfy me it's all about me to truly love someone takes faculties that we haven't developed yet he least of all the parent most love is conditioned

36:55 control based and fear-based it's all about the self to love another it takes evolution of unparalleled proportion I don't I can't honestly say I highest love my daughter I try most times I'm conditionally loving her and she knows it and she detests it and she pushes back and she goes you're not seeing me this is not about me this is about you you know and then I love her less

37:25 I love this ring such a sense of humor to this stuff what do people do with that realization oh that's a hard one for people it is hard but it really busts the [ __ ] you know like don't don't pretend you're loving your kid you're loving yourself just say it it's all you the parenting is all about you it's about your ego your need your desires is all your show that guy with the seven kids in Sound of Music it was

37:48 his you know it was his little movie it was his show his movie so we pretend we love our children and in the name of love is all the tragedy in the world all the double suicides and murders and this all in the name of love but love is attachment that's attachment it's not love and all of us are attachment based lovers not hi lovers so what word would you put and and maybe you I can't

38:16 imagine I really think you agree with this I could be crazy but what word would you put around that beautiful connection that you have with your daughter in those moments when I am out of my own ego yeah once in a year then it's high love I can touch Hilah weds in between no I think high love is high love it's when you have released your ego you have released the imperative of the child following your way there's no you in the

38:43 in the in the week it's truly loving the other for who it is they are with know you in the picture they don't have to love you back they don't have to need you they don't have to agree with you they don't have to adhere to you now try loving your child or another yeah do you that this is just interesting it's it's sort of tangential to this but what if I came to you and I

39:06 said I'm not sure if I should have kids how do you help people think through that I'll applaud you for not having kids yes for thinking about it for taking it seriously for stopping and pausing and going and my conscious enough to do this you think all of us should have had kids I shouldn't have had a kid when I had a kid I shouldn't I was not conscious I was just checking off my list I was using my future kid

39:32 right I imagined her wanted a horn on it I mean it was all predestined already she had no shot to be a [ __ ] own human being so if a parent comes to a pre parent comes to me and says I'm thinking I'm like oh this is genius let's stop let's really take a pause couple of decades like don't rush don't rush don't rush why are you having a kid and I would seriously question because why are we having kids really

39:59 we're only having children mostly to fulfill our egoic need to feel complete to live a fulfilled life for ourselves so when you become conscious the most conscious parent is a non parent Wow you're a conscious parent or at least recognizing enough that no less any kid up yet you know how all the parents in this room have we've already messed up kids up and that's okay too if we understand it's for the service of

40:31 evolution don't just keep messing up because you're the parent and you have a right you have no unmitigated right your rights need to be taken away you know you need to be on a path of awakening to what you're putting on to your kid if you're teaching them fear teaching them hatred teaching them racism bigotry xenophobia that is a sin it's a crime right because now you're perpetuating what we have in this world you're contributing to violence you don't

40:58 realize it but you just did just by telling your kid your religion is better than another religion now you've contributed to separate just thinking and violence is to be that careful your child's psyche is in your hands you know I think it was Plato or Aristotle I usually give the credit to Plato one of these days will actually look this up that said the only impossible job is raising a child and that was the quote that really began my thought process of

41:23 I think I'm good but I don't think I'm that good like I don't think I can avoid what I always saw as the butterfly effect yeah of its it's something that I say married to something that a kids school says yeah you know married to being embarrassed one day because something happens and and it spirals out of control you were conscious of your limitations and the grandiosity that most parents have that don't make them think of their

41:49 limitations you know you don't have that we have a grandiosity it's narcissistic to think that we can raise another being when we haven't raised ourselves we haven't done any work on ourselves right I tell parents if you did not go into the jungles and live one year in solitude contemplating who it is you are you have no business bringing a kid into the world I didn't do that either but have been doing since because I see the

42:12 irreparable damage I've been causing by my own consciousness so if so one of the other myths is six parenting is about raising a happy child that's a myth so I so I have a firm belief which I'm very open by the way that being changed I was changed by by researching you all be very honest and one of the things though that I still hold on to is that the game you're playing it's not success it's not

42:39 money it's neuro chemistry and that there is a state of even deep fulfillment I think is transient it doesn't just once you have it you have it forever I think there are times like you called it piloff so like I love there are times that you touch it and it's overwhelmingly beautiful and so in those moments you know I'm on a good path and Greek they say say go low throw em all so it's like I'm on a good path

43:03 and I get that sometimes with fulfillment where I'm like okay like I I have fallen on my face more than I care to admit emotionally with thinking I was chasing the right thing only to find out that I'm totally miserable so this can't be right and then there are times where I've corrected course and really gone through fairly significant periods of mana I feel I feel fulfilment so that has become like my North Star when I

43:30 talk to people I'm like look the game you're playing his brain chemistry you want to feel a deep and as lasting as possible sense of fulfillment what is that for you if it isn't it isn't happiness what is it it's to be present to you're now complete good bad or indifferent whatever that now is that you have brought into your own existence teaching the principle of cause and effect like you have causes that bring out the

43:58 effect you Eckhart Tolle actually put something on your jacket cover didn't he mm-hmm that's what I thought so for anybody that doesn't know Eckhart Tolle has a book the power of now which all of that comes crashing on me as you say that so yeah so his work and my work tries to enter the present moment with a full on acceptance of engaging with whatever shows up I will engage in the isness of this moment it sounds Cavalier and just

44:32 whimsical but really it's not because if every moment is aligned and deeply engaged with chances are the next moment will be aligned right you we won't go to of course because each moment you are shooting for authenticity so authenticity will breed more authenticity it won't read some crazy person in ten minutes right chances are you'll stay on course right you'll ask the right questions in a prevalent way in a perverse if pervasive way you'll stay on course and what does this look

45:02 like so let's carry it out and somebody gets really good at that but they're still on the PTA board and they have to work and it can be a pain in the ass sometimes and like the sort of highs and lows is it just that they're less prone to writing those dramatic waves and so there's a more even keel in the moment I'm present and I experience you in fact you do this beautiful job of describing

45:29 like a child can be entranced by a leaf right they just get lost in that moment and that is that it like that the ability to recapture being so present that you can experience beauty and simplicity for lack of a better way to say well I think it's being in touch with the transcendent in every moment so whether you're scrubbing dishes or changing diapers you are in touch with the with the transcendent of this moment what does that mean because transcendent

45:56 sounds like the opposite of the now right it's like not in the now it means that while you're in the now of this life form you know cleaning dishes you're aware that you are more than this right you are you are this and then something else you are the energy this life force this essence this awareness so staying in touch with that what is nature what is our divinity the flow as you're talking about then that allows you to

46:24 live in the life based form attachments with ease then you're in the traffic jam and you're not losing your [ __ ] because you are in the you are you understand that this is just the play of life this is just the play of form you you have a transcendent understanding that you are not in a car really in a traffic jam you're not identifying with that your greater your larger your more expansive than that so always being in touch with

46:50 that magnificent transcendence of life and your divinity right so what when you're on the PTA board or when you're in the traffic jam to be connected to nature to be to breathe to recognize that you are you are beyond this car being in touch with that element with children are in touch with brings about a transcendent quality to life talk a little bit about what you said as to why pursuing happiness is actually a trap because when you pursue anything it

47:18 means you don't have it already so when you don't have something already you're in lack you cannot pursue abundance from lack like I said it's only the moment now we'll create the next moment and the next moment creates the next moment so if you're in luck pursuing striving hungry craving then you're going to you may obtain something you may get to the buffet table but then you're going to devour it you won't be mindfully enriched by it right it won't

47:46 be the jewel at the end of the search it will be you know you're ravenous and rapacious you'll miss out on the joy of the process of eating mindfully so only abundance baguettes abundance so pursuing happiness is a misnomer it's like it's it's a it's an absolute counterintuitive misbelief it can never work they cannot go together it's and it's happiness itself is misunderstood right for me it's the fullness of being engaged in this present moment whatever

48:15 shows up so when you're here and you're fully accepting of this moment then you're accepting of the next moment and you're not looking for anything you're fertile in the now right if you're playing it's delayed and you're stuck on the tarmac that's your now now be here now right you wanted a you envisioned a fabulous harmonious peaceful serene day on the beach but your child has diarrhea and all you're doing is changing diapers well that's your now now engage with it

48:41 and then watch the waves but engage with that right I mean this is more what life is is the ordinariness the machinist the messiness but we have to infuse it with the transcendent much to my shock horror and dismay I have to get to my last question but first where can these guys find you online on my website dr. Shefali comm they can visit me at my events I have events all over the place and I'm having one in Long Beach

49:08 California where I gather parents together and not not just parents children of parents adult children right all of us are that right and we rise together to heal and understand how to break down and deconstruct all what culture has put on us awesome all right my last question yes what's the impact that you want to have in the world to elevate parental consciousness because I believe that is the core of disease dr.

49:41 Shefali thank you thank you all right boys and girls I am telling you this is somebody gonna want to read everything she's written watch Oliver talks it is unbelievable it's the consistency that I want you to see just when you think haha that question will get her she's got an answer for it it is absolutely fascinating it was a journey and that is the highest compliment that I can pay anybody when I've done research is that

50:09 they've taken me on a journey and made me rethink some of the most fundamental things in my life absolutely incredible whether you adopt at all or it just makes you rethink your paradigm it doesn't matter it it is intriguing it is important and it she has her finger on the exact right questions that you need to be asking whether you're a parent or not I'm not and I found this stuff taking me to an absolutely engrossing

50:33 fascinating place I am truly mortified that this interview has comes and hopefully we will be able to get her back on at some point that would be incredible guys she will change you if you let her alright it's a weekly show if you haven't already be sure to subscribe and until next time my friends be legendary take care of you thank you guys so much for watching and if you haven't already be sure to subscribe and

50:59 for exclusive content be sure to sign up for our newsletter all of that stuff helps us get even more amazing guests on the show and helps us continue to build this community which at the end of the day is all we care about so thank you guys so much for being a part of the impact theory community [Music]