Kids in the House 14: Cry It Out Alternatives

0:02 This is a dreadful idea, allowing the  kids to cry themselves to sleep. This was completely uninformed, this idea and  this advice, by what children truly need, and how development works. When children cry  – whether it's distress, or tears of futility, or upset – they need to cry in the comfort of  those who are responsible for them. The fact is, crying it out can produce sleep, just like it  does in the neonate nursery in the hospital, but that's because of defendedness. The most  difficult thing for a child to face is separation, and when we say, “Okay, I'm not going to talk to  you anymore, I'm closing the door, that's it,” we push a child's face into separation and it alarms  them, and it can call forth defendedness that can actually put them to sleep out of defense. But  this is not a place where children need to go to sleep from. They need to go to sleep from  a place where they relax, where all is well, just like we do. There are two things that are  most important here in terms of sleep, and if you get sleep right as a parent, it's a prototype of  all kinds of other experiences. There's two things that are most significant: one, you want to create  a continuity of connection. You want to be able to answer their needs; to be in contact with you at  all times. So if they can't see you, then maybe they can hear you. If they can't hear you, maybe  they can smell you, and you can put your nighty around them, or next to them. In some way they  need to have that sense of contact. The ultimate answer developmentally is that their attachment  grows deeper, so that they can hold on to you when physically apart. They're connected at the  heart; they're connected through sameness; this is the ultimate answer. So we need to be patient;  children will grow out of this. And the other thing is that we mustn't put their eyes and their  attention on separation; we must put their eyes on the next connection, and this is the key to all  sleep issues. And so you always put the focus on the next point of contact. “I'll see you in my  dreams.” If children can't handle even the tiniest little bit, we get the egg timer out. “Before the  egg timer is out, Mommy will be back.” “Daddy will be back.” “I have another hug in me for you.”  But it is always about putting the focus on the connection, and the next connection that's coming.  Gradually the child can do this by looking forward to getting up in the morning with you. “I've got  a special treat planned.” Or if you do say, “I'll see you in my dreams,” make sure when they ask you  in the morning, that you have a wonderful dream to tell them of connection, and so on. But soon,  when a child gets used to the fact that sleep means that they're going into connection, they can  hardly wait to go to sleep. It gets better when they go to sleep, rather than worse. But if you  can solve this problem – a sleep problem – you're set up to solve all kinds of problems in  childhood, because the key is to put their focus on the next connection. You bridge the separation,  rather than put their attention into separation.