Catherine and Yasmeen Handling A Child's Sleep Issues

0:02 hi we're just getting ready to start the teleseminar and I'm waiting for yes me too join us we're looking forward to talking to people today about handling it when our children don't want to go to sleep or if they have trouble sleeping and I'm just waiting for my co-presenter yes mien and we're gonna get her on the

0:35 screen and then we'll get started looks like there's a few people here thanks for joining us we're gonna get started in just a minute just waiting for the other presenter to get her joined into the video hi

1:14 Michelle so this presentation is gonna be about sleep and what to do when our children are having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep and we're gonna tell you some stories and we're gonna do a little fun roleplay of a mother and a child and we're gonna share some good

1:47 resources with you so we'll get started any minute now hi everybody there's some new people joining us okay yes means here we're just gonna get her joined into the call

2:34 okay okay hi Jonna so I've got yes mean has commented and I'm just trying to join her into the call except when I click on her comment it doesn't say it doesn't give the option to add her into the call

3:08 I'm trying swiping it says I can pin it says I can delete I don't know Jonna yes I'm on the phone everybody we're just getting this call set up glad you're all here

3:44 okay there's some sort of problem yes mean can't see me but I can see her comments but I can't join her into the call thanks for joining the call everybody we're so glad you're here we're getting set up getting both presenters on the video and we're gonna be talking about how to handle it when our children don't want to go to sleep

4:16 or have trouble staying asleep I'm just checking to see if there's any messages to help me get yes mean on this call can you hear me yes mean I guess not well we

4:49 tested this the other day and it worked oh okay there and I went now yes me and can see me okay hi Katherine yeah I can hear you really well great okay so it's good it looks like it's broadcasting

5:20 well so we're gonna go ahead and get started so thanks for being here everybody taking time out of your day my name is Katherine Fisher and I'm a hand-in-hand struktur in Ann Arbor Michigan in the United States and I work with parents doing one-on-one consultations and I also teach classes my next class is starting in at the end of January do you want to introduce yourself yes mean

5:51 a little leg you're a little frozen well I'll go ahead and give the overview while we hopefully get yes me are you there yes me yeah yeah okay me no mana introduce yourself right yeah a hand in hand parenting instructor from Cairo

6:25 Egypt I do training courses in hand in hand and went one consultations mm-hmm good thank you so today so you know to expect we're just gonna be giving you a few tips on how to help when your children refuse sleep or you know at bedtime or nap time and we're going to talk about how what the different ways and give you some

6:59 fresh thinking on possible causes for this problem tool that that were a few of the tools and sometimes just these few tools can make a really dramatic difference with sleep problems but sleep is is complicated and

7:29 we do want to encourage you to make sure that you always rule out any physical causes for child sleep problems things like growth spurts or illness or infection and also just just to double check that your expectations of your child are appropriate since different things happen with sleep for children right and then sometimes the challenges are bigger with sleep and it takes takes more time or using all the tools in

8:00 conjunction with each other so we will share some resources at the end if your problem is bigger than what these little tips can help with so we're really glad you're here and now I'd like to turn things over to yes me all right Katherine he's associated time with certain types of events like it's their time of cuddling or soothing from the

8:30 parents so it really gets really hard to be separated from them also child finds it an opportunity to you know test the limits with their parents who's gonna win in this power struggle that is going on and the bit time refusal actually ranges from like one more hug one more kiss mommy please into the range of

9:03 complete cycle of tantrum so it has many forms that parent can find well the most common cause of bedtime refusal is separation of an anxiety actually the separation is one of the most frequent upsets that the child can go through it well the child has big feelings in this time of the day because whether the parent is

9:33 just outside the door of the room or he's not here the child will have big feeling because the separation and anxiety might come from the present separation or it might be left overs from a past separation that happens long ago or like the mom lifts him at the nursery or the school or so on so the fear of separation will will give the

10:06 child give the child a feeling that he will become either a passive or a quiet child or he may become very aggressive that he can bite or hit or pull his hair or these kind of half-track behaviors so the child may bring all the stresses and all the separation and anxiety that happened all day long to this particular

10:40 time to to show up all his big emotions and feelings to his parents well I remember one anecdote that happened between me and my little daughter she she was watching cartoon just before she went to bed and she told me mom I can't sleep I'm so afraid so I told her why are you so afraid there's nothing to be afraid about so she told me I'm afraid of ghosts I told her really you know

11:13 you're talking seriously you're not she said no I'm really really scared so I told her the right sweetie it's really scary I'm scared of the ghosts too really I'm so

11:46 scared what I can I do now what can I do I mean he's scared please protect me so she said mom are you taking Toki seriously there is no such a thing like ghosts and she just gave me her back and went to sleep well this kind of play and you know a laughing may work in such minor fears at the bedtime so maybe Catherine you can give us some

12:16 anecdotes - at the bit time refusal sure yeah that was great things yes mean yeah it's it's so true play and connection are so important for helping children with their fears and when we think about bedtime just like we make sure that our children are bathed and their teeth are brushed sometimes we also have to think about giving them a chance to offload their tensions before they try to sleep

12:48 and just that that can become another part of the bedtime routine and for a long time with our son we would do pillow fighting right before bed and especially if there were tensions that were coming up where he was having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep at night often they were they were just stresses from school fears that hadn't that that he'd had during the day that it hadn't gotten resolved and we would just pillow fight and he would laugh and

13:19 laugh and my husband and I would be you know the bad pillow fighters and we wouldn't usually it made our son laugh that most if we just totally missed him but sometimes you know we'd have to just lightly hit him and you know whatever made him laugh that's what we would do and he would just jump around the bed and tell us how bad we were at it and if we did that before bedtime we would

13:41 start by time a little earlier so that there was time for it and if there were problems with sleep for us it only really took a night or two of making sure we played before bed [Music] so kids always just need something else

14:16 at bedtime so those things can be there time to stay kind of and what what you

15:01 don't have to just keep reading yeah

15:34 yeah okay well we're ready to do the little the role play now if you're ready I just explained about setting the limit and then oh the thing I didn't mention yet is that once we bring the limit then what can happen is the child will offload the tensions that are that are driving that behavior that urgency that they need something else before they can go to sleep so I'm gonna I'm gonna help

16:07 yes mean go to sleep so I'm the mommy just read read stories and there's a limit of water next to the bed so sweetie we're all done with our stories now and it's time to turn off the light and go to sleep good night sweetie up but mommy please I just need to drink more water please okay you can have one more sip and then it's gonna be time to turn the way down but mommy I'm here

16:39 thirsty I need one more sip me thirsty that's enough sweetie I think you've had enough and it's okay to go to sleep now I'm here and it's safe and you can go to sleep now I'm gonna turn the light off no mom but I'm gonna cry I'm crying I'm crying wait now don't leave me please Oh sweetie I'm sorry it's hard I'm right

17:10 here I'll be with you I'll be here if you need me I'm sweet yeah the child will keep crying for maybe knowing of requests drinking water or one more hug one more kiss or whatever of these requests and the child will keep crying and crying so the mommy will do what Catherine so you get to just be there with your child and listen

17:42 and that's that's really what they need those tensions will stay with them until they get a chance to come out so you know if your child has a lot of offloading to do that's you can also start bedtime earlier to leave time for that and it looks different in different families and that's why yes I mean and I aren't you know gonna go on and on until she falls asleep but I never know how long it's gonna take

18:08 it's quick sometimes it's not but that's the important thing is that Mike's worms you keep understanding you keep listening to your child until he he's safe he's feeling se he's not feeling the separation anxiety anymore and he will go to sleep easily and repeating this day after day will make it more and more easier for the parent and the child mm-hmm okay so um

18:42 let's take some questions and I'm gonna I'm gonna scroll through here and see what people have got let's see one parent says it makes sense to hear that the children need to let off steam because her kids get wild at bedtime one of okay so one parent says one of her kids will get up and try to get out of bed he will even attempt to hit me or

19:12 run out of his bedroom door so you know in in hand-in-hand we definitely think that aggression is it's kind of driven by fear and that makes sense that at bedtime you know sometimes the fears come up and so playing ahead of time lots of play if he's trying to get out of bed it doesn't you know instead of

19:43 making it feel like it's life or death to get him back in the bed just be like oh come back here you know whatever you do don't get under the covers and then if they get in the under the covers you could try like patting the bed and like you can't find them where did you go I can't the bed is so lumpy what happened where where where are you so that you know maybe trying to playing and then

20:07 also when there's we also have to make sure that we're getting lots of connection and laughter during the day and sometimes that can lessen the pressure the emotional pressure at bedtime do you want to add anything yes me well a parent also asks how is this possible when you have more than one child well well what Catherine said will also apply for this but maybe some roughhousing

20:37 for a bit time will do the trick au if you have more than one child you can play with them all like vilified like Catherine said or some more roughhousing this will offload the steam and offload the big emotions by laughter it's very important before just before going to bed for them anyone else have a question that they want to enter you can just

21:08 write it in the comments and we'll see it great great oh you're welcome somebody said thank you yeah we're glad you're here I want to mention that there's a there's a great online self-guided course about sleep that hand-in-hand has and there's a 50% off offer in the comments so if

21:41 you feel like you like these ideas and you want some more support you know to figure out how to use these tools in your exact situation it's really a great class that's appropriate for any age like whether you have a baby or school-age children you can tailor these tools to work I don't see any more questions do you have anything else do you like to say right now in this mean

22:12 no I guess not there's no more questions okay they posted your page and my page and the website of the hand-in-hand if anybody like to look for more resources mm-hmm okay one last question do you have time to first it one more question yes mean yes yes sure okay so how to

22:46 prepare the child in case of stopping the co-sleeping that is such a good question these are all really good questions well I think one thing to keep in mind when you're making a big change like that with sleep is gradual changes that you let the children know about ahead of time because sometimes they can show you some of their feelings beforehand and it's really a lot about

23:17 finding the place where they can feel their connection with you and they can also release the tensions that they're feeling so if you want to talk with your child about co-sleeping ahead of time and then listen to them and then you could decide want to do it you know bed at night and then be with them and tell

23:47 them that it's your gonna go in your own room and that you'll come back when if they need you but but you don't rush off you you you let the goodbye lasts long enough that they can have their feelings and regain their confidence so it might mean that you're just right next to them in the bed and they're crying about not wanting you to go or it might mean that you're standing next to the bed telling

24:15 them that you'll come back if they need you and they cry because you're not in the bed with them so it's different with different kids and can change from night tonight as you're making the transition but yeah did you what would you say yes mean well well a lot of listening and connection during the day before the bedtime will be very helpful and maybe Anna you can play with your child more

24:45 you like if you're playing with him like an hour so you can increase this a little bit so he will be prepared by offloading a lot of emotions that he is facing so the process will be easier for him mm-hmm I figured your child wasn't really 19 let's see just scrolling through the rest of these questions

25:16 Diana asks how do you deal with an older child with play listening I'm sorry that's just letting know letting us know what time it is I guess I'm not sure exactly what that means do you have an idea how to answer that yes me nor Diana could you tell us more what what your meaning we can actually different question while we wait the the age over the child and what do you mean how how we deal with

25:47 please clarify this to us so we can reply I think we have two more questions here mm-hmm okay so let's see Megan has a two and a half year old and it sounds like it's it's hard to UM let's see bedtime is hard when she comes back from seeing her dad okay so we often have to

26:18 Co sleep she will be really crying crying for daddy it sounds like it sounds like my guess would be there Megan that that you're the one that's gonna be providing the emotional connection for your daughter so she might store her feelings up when she's with her dad and then when she comes back to you she knows that she can offload those feelings with you and also

26:49 you know probably talk about missing her daddy so um let's see I think special time when you get back to really help deepen the connection help her reassure her about her connection with you you know I don't know if there's any way daddy could learn how to do special time if that would be possible that would probably be really good for both of them but I know that might not be an option so you know that would be your call and

27:21 maybe I don't know I guess you'd have to see like maybe play time before bed would help to release some of those tensions knowing that maybe you need to start bedtime early to give her a chance to have those feelings so you can still both get your full night's sleep do you have other thoughts yes mean no no thoughts about these questions but the the other question of Basma her 19 months old child won't go to sleep

27:55 unless he's with me and soon I get up you know and he's crying and I really don't know how to stop this well I guess you should you may start a big time routine for him I mean child killed Rijn loves the routine so if there is a sequence of the issues that you're gonna do just before the bed so he will know that you're for example gonna read a bedtime story

28:27 then you're gonna kiss him goodnight then you're he's gonna sleep so it's the same as we said before just make a lot of roughhousing and playing all the day long and especially before going to bed so and applying the routine I think it will help very much what do you think Katherine yeah that's yeah that sounds

28:57 good yeah and then the sleep course might be useful just it's it's kind of hard to explain really briefly how you do that were you where they can feel your connection but also there's enough space between you that they can offload their feelings and not tamp them down but the course explains that really well so if if what we do today doesn't give you enough of an idea I'd suggest the course okay so Diana wrote back she said the older child is

29:27 is 15 so play listening with a teenager could be you really have to lose your dignity because they're not gonna like they're not gonna be always acting like they're happy that you're doing it right we have we like things that might be fun for them that it's okay if you're you know super dorky or you know not cool but sometimes it's just joining them in

30:00 what they enjoy like you know watching a show with them or you two just hanging out looking for opportunities to connect but you can also do something like let's have a dance party and then turn on music and just dance and maybe you are just like the worst dancer or maybe you're a good dancer and she likes dancing with you I mean I don't know how it would be in your family but just some kind of

30:24 physical active play that that gets them laughing so I know do you have any other thoughts on that one we could still pillow fight teenager yeah she can do that definitely well I think you may seek some of her favorite topics and learn really good information about these topics that the love to talk about

30:56 and share it with them with with her so she can feel that you're close and you understand her also I guess inviting her friends over and hanging out with them would be a good idea she will feel that she's she you know that you wanna be closer to her and her friends that that will make her look at you a different look you know what I mean Catherine she

31:27 you will be connected with her friends and hers too and maybe you can you can all do a party like Catherine said that would be really nice okay okay there's more Diana rode in a little more we'll just say a little bit more about your comment Diana and then move on to something that Claire said so just she's already diana is already doing listening partnerships which is great and I think you know you're looking for ways to help

31:57 your daughter open up and so I would say go back to just hanging out with her it takes it takes time you know and use your listening partnerships for any desperation or urgency that you have about your daughter opening up and you know and then just be as available as you can and I know sometimes that's hard with our jobs and our family schedules but one thing I that I try to do with my son is to unannounced special time at

32:28 bedtime so I will come and just sit in his Roman in my mind I know I'm gonna stay until he stops talking and sometimes that means I'm like nodding off and like making myself wake back up but if I can do that that's a really great connection for us and I know that you know sometimes I'll be at the door I'll say okay I'm gonna go goodnight honey and I'll be at the door and he'll start

32:57 talking again and so I just come back in and sit down again and wait and listen and talk and so maybe you know when sometimes car rides are great for that too just like hanging out no pressure but I would say focus on your feelings and your listening partnerships and then just try and and be there and I think that can help with reconnecting with a team so things were more understanding from the parents real understanding not

33:29 a fake one a real one so he can the teenagers feel that well I guess we I guess there there's one more just aren't clear cuz Claire you said you've made mistakes and think oh yes hello join the club ah and they're all possible or do no don't don't don't be hard on yourself about that and yeah yeah and you can

34:03 always find your way back to your child they want you and they are very forgiving and sometimes yeah yeah it just takes yeah okay so we're gonna wrap up and I'm so appreciative of everyone taking the time to be here and sharing your questions and I'm so lucky that I got to

34:34 have yes mean as my partner for this thank you yes mean cuz I know your bedtime there thank you yeah thank you very much yeah all right take care of your buddy bye bye good bye