10 Ways to Survive Burnout and Love Parenting Again (sooner than you may think)

0:00 are you finding yourself in survival mode feeling like you are running on empty and worried that you might be leading yourself all the way through to burn out if so i have made a video on the 10 signals that you might be in survival mode so go back and watch that one first and then come back here because we're going to talk about what we can do and we're going to get really practical hi i'm avitel

0:24 i'm the mother of five i'm the founder of present play and today i want to help you uh just come to terms with some of the things that you can do if you feel like you are kind of teaching on the brink of burnout right you feel like you're in survival mode and the way i explain this is basically that you have a bunch of responsibilities a bunch of expectations of yourself right and you need support in order to

0:47 get those expectations met like you might want to make healthy meals or look good or feel good or keep a clean home or be a great parent or be a star at your job in order to do those things you need a certain level of resources now when your resources drop right like our income drops our time drops the level of help and support we have at home drops um then we are no longer matched to meet

1:13 our expectations and that's when we start to enter into conservation right we need to refuel somehow we need to get more support and we're in survival mode and if we're in there too long and our responsibilities stay high or even pile higher then we might actually burn out which means that we will crash we have a nervous breakdown we don't function we're apathetic and obviously that's a terrible place for us to go to a terrible place for our kids for

1:38 ourselves for our family and what we really want to do is survive survival mode to the point where our uh our expectations meet our support system right to the point where we can get more support or perhaps reduce our level of responsibility somehow so that they match so today let's talk about how we can conserve that energy so that we can kind of make it through survival mode as much as we can and back into thriving number one

2:05 is to simplify everything when i'm in survival mode that is the time that i break out the cereal for dinner that is the time that i do the simplest laundry routines uh that is the time that i don't get fancy with anything so if there's anything you're doing that's a little bit extra that's an expectation you can immediately drop and you should because you need to conserve your energy so when you're in survival mode simplify simplify your routine simplify the

2:31 things that you're expecting yourself to do simplify your meals simplify your shopping simplify everything number two when i'm in survival mode i give myself permission to use screens a lot more so if i'm on lockdown for weeks on end without any help then that will be a time when i up the amount of movies that we watch at home why because screen time you know we all have a complicated relationship with it for whatever reason it's a complicated subject but if you

3:00 feel uncomfortable with a lot of screen time as i do that's okay but during survival mode that is way better than you burning out right so if that gives you the hour or two that you need to rest or to do your work or to clean up or whatever it is then it's so worth it right if you didn't use the screens because you're dead set against them but then you end up burning out or yelling at your kids

3:24 or just having a bad atmosphere at home because you can't get your stuff done i think the trade-off is not you know it's not worth it it's much less damaging to use more screens than it would be for you to feel like you're burning out that's that's how i feel at least and as with everything i share just take what works for you and leave the rest you may or may not resonate with these points but

3:47 my next point is to give yourself a pass on things like homeschooling or reading you might have a lot of pressure of the things that you want to do every day with your baby with your children maybe you're doing a certain program virtual school reading homeschooling all of that stuff you need to just take a deep breath and realize that the priority when you're in survival mode is your sanity that's the priority your sanity the atmosphere at home the

4:15 relationships between you and your kids and if those things are going to suffer it's not worth them suffering for a little bit more reading remember a lot of home school kids make up an entire year of schooling of academic schooling in a couple of weeks in the summer with some extra help so don't feel like you have to stay on that treadmill or stay in that rat race instead prioritize your family's happiness and calm prioritize your sanity and if it's

4:40 throwing you over the edge then it might mean that it's really time to take a break from that number four is to lower your expectation of presence with your children listen i think you probably have a goal like i do to be present with your kids to look them in the eyes to play with them to read to them to hang out with them when you're in survival mode that can be very hard to do because you're not really feeling

5:02 present yourself you're feeling frazzled and overwhelmed and you're much more likely to get triggered so you might try to play with them but then get extra annoyed and just end up yelling at them right and in that case maybe it would have been better not to have tried to begin with so i think when i'm in survival mode i think to myself if i can have one minute 60 seconds of presents a day with my child if i can look them in the

5:26 eye and be there with them and tell them i love them once a day okay just before bedtime for example then at least i've kind of ticked that box and i'm gonna release any expectations for the rest of the day the rest of the day i'm going to focus on doing whatever i can to increase my level of support to get my stuff done to calm my nervous system to take care of my basic needs and the

5:50 basic needs of my family and so release that expectation one minute a day of presence is you know is is more than nothing it's more than most parents even think of doing um and it's going to make a big difference in your relationship and it will be more effective than chasing your tail all day yeah i'll play with you yeah i'll play with you i'll play with you but then ending up being resentful and even more depleted

6:13 the next one and this is something i really use a lot in my coaching is to write down scripts that can help you through this time so if you're having a particularly hard time like something specific has happened for example maybe uh you lost your job and there's a decrease in income and that means you really need to be more mindful of what you're spending on or maybe your mourning maybe you're grieving you know maybe uh a grandparent passed away for example

6:38 right in those types of scenarios what's very uh stressful is when our children keep asking us questions and we don't know how to answer them right like where is grandpa uh why are you crying what's happening right that kind of question can send us over the edge when we're already in an emotionally fraught situation and already uh in survival mode or why can't i buy a guitar why can't i go ice skating it's not fair right and we're trying to explain well i

7:05 lost my job and i need to deal with this now so what i would recommend is writing down a script and i'm going to give you a quick little structure on how i like to do that that you could apply to any scenario and then you kind of have that in your back pocket and when your child asks you you just say that sentence again and again and you're done you don't need to keep thinking oh how will i explain this

7:25 right so the way you structure the script is in two parts the first part is the bare bone facts and the second part is a little bit of coaching for optimism and resiliency so the bare bone facts go something like we can't spend the money on that right now because i've lost my job and so we need to conserve our money we need to save more right that's the bare bone facts remember we're not piling in a lot of emotion there like um

7:54 you know i'm so distressed about this it's such a bad thing that happened and you're being so annoying and demanding and you know you're so spoiled we're not doing any of that we're just saying the barebone fact is i lost my job so we need to be more careful about saving money and then the coaching is where we introduce just a little bit of uh you know an optimistic or resilient way of looking at the situation

8:15 or something our children could hold on to so that it doesn't become something too scary or worrisome for them so the second bit could be something like we're still gonna have a lot of fun as a family um you know this is normal it's happening to a lot of people um we're going to get back on our feet this isn't your fault right just those kind of things of like don't worry about this yes it's a big

8:36 deal and yes we need to take care of it but we will the adults are in the driver's seat you are safe your basic needs will be cared for don't worry right we want them to feel that so let's do that with the other scenario say you are mourning the loss of a grandparent you're obviously hyper emotional and very upset but you want some kind of script that can anchor you so that you can share it

8:57 with your child without getting overwhelmed by emotion each time and so you could say something like grandpa died his body stopped stopped working and that's why i'm so sad and we're all gonna miss him terribly right that's the bare bone facts and then the the coaching might be something like we're gonna hold on to his memories forever you know we always have the amazing times uh the amazing stories and amazing times we've shared with him to talk about

9:24 and that kind of thing like let's go look at the album right just kind of something that involves a little bit of coaching so that offers a framework but for whatever it is you're going through right i have more stress at work okay so i have a lot more work to do this week than usual um we just say the bare bone facts i'm not gonna have time to play uh because i have a lot more work this week

9:46 um but don't worry we're going to play more next week right or don't worry you can have a play date with johnny whatever it is the next thing you have to do when you're in survival mode and teetering on the brink of burnout is to ask for help and accept it wherever you can i know this is a really hard one for so many of us we're in this hyper individualistic society we want to be able to do everything by

10:11 ourselves and we expect to and when we are in this mode it's actually even harder to ask for help because we're vulnerable because we're having a hard time and we don't want to be seen that way however think about if it was the reverse right think about if your friend was having a hard time and they asked you for help wouldn't you be so happy to help them wouldn't it in fact bond you together wouldn't you feel even closer to them

10:33 you know it took me to my fourth child to be willing to accept a meal train from my community where they bring you a meal every day for a week after you have a baby and it's such a beautiful tradition and i don't know why i was so you know individualistic and no i can do it and i don't need help right i was like that's that lone wolf but the truth is that when i accepted it

10:53 it was such a sweet thing that they did and it actually i could see that people were so happy to give a meal and to be in a position to help me and it bonded us together i feel this closeness with those people who were able to show up during that time for me and so it really reminded me that it feels good to give and you should give other people the opportunity to give to you when you need it

11:16 don't feel shy to just ask vulnerably and honestly like hey i'm having a hard time is there any possibility you can help me with this no pressure if not right i think that's really missing in many of our cultures and i think it's it's a bit of a tragedy right of the modern world to be so separated out into our tiny family units it's a shame we're missing out on a lot of the bonding that happens

11:40 in titanic communities and the way that we make sure that that can be part of our lives is to actually allow it in and accept it right when people are offering don't just brush them off say you know what i'd love to take you up on that thank you so much leading on from that is number seven which is to let people in share with people how you are feeling so often we have this front right i'm fine

12:03 everything's good and i'm not suggesting going on a rant or complaining the whole time um but if you are the type of person who needs to present a very polished front but you're having a bit of a hard time just authentically honestly vulnerably uh in a raw way just say you know i'm having a little bit of a hard time right now and that can help people realize not to pile more things on to you right

12:28 maybe it's your boss or a co-worker or your partner or a good friend or the school uh whoever it is that is used to leaning on you it it might really benefit you and then for them to just realize that right now for this period you have less resources and you're less capable of being that support figure for others at the moment so this might mean saying no when people ask you for extra favors when people ask

12:55 you to join a board meeting or to you know head up a project it might mean being realistic about what you can and can't take on right now so that you can conserve those energies and get through this period and get back to thriving and back to being that person who's able to help everybody else number eight is your self-care when you're in survival mode it's even harder to take care of your basic needs like sleeping and eating and being healthy

13:20 and moving your body and that kind of thing but uh ironically it's also more important right because you need whatever energy you can get so really ask yourself if you're being as frugal as you can be with your time uh in the sense that you could potentially maybe take care of yourself a little better are you spending time scrolling on facebook in the night are you zombieing out are you eating things that are making you feel like rubbish

13:48 if you do those things it's understandable you're in an emotional state and we all have our escapes however it's sabotaging you even further and so when i am in survival mode i notice that i'm reaching for sugar a lot more that i'm reaching for screens a lot more and then i'm much less likely to go out for a walk or to do my yoga and i really have to catch myself there and you need to tell yourself

14:11 listen i need this it's actually something that i'm doing for myself and if i don't do this i can see the cascade effects right and this is a lot of what we need to do when we're in survival mode is to see where the trajectory will lead us if we carry on down this path right like if i carry on down this path of not taking care of myself of being in a lot of stress it will lead

14:33 to burnout and that is something i really do need to actively avoid it's my responsibility to avoid it and so it's my responsibility to put down my phone and go to bed early one night it's my responsibility to stop feeding my body food that i don't feel good with and to start treating it right it's not only my responsibility but it's also a way of making myself feel good it's that first step that will spiral me

14:55 and snowball me upwards in the better direction and will equip me to actually get myself out of this slump that i'm in number nine is your self-talk when we're in survival mode we feel like we're failing we feel like everything's falling apart we feel like everything is an emergency and we tend to be a lot more triggered so we tend to behave a lot more badly than we used to and so we start to tell ourselves that we're a

15:19 failure that we're messing up that nothing's going right why does this always happen to me just my luck right all of that kind of self-talk actually brings us further and further down it doesn't coach us up okay i can do hard things i can deal with this i can face this i've gone through things before in my life and i'll get through this as well right it's dragging us down rather than coaching us up and helping us overcome and so when

15:44 you're in survival mode if you're there right now notice how you're talking to yourself and start to coach yourself as you would coach your child if your child's going through a really rough time if your child feels like they keep failing and failing and failing say in school how would you tell them that they can overcome it right i would say things like you're strong you can do hard things you can overcome this come let's do

16:08 it together you're doing so great look at how much you've already accomplished right let's look on the bright side let's look at the silver linings let's look at the ways you are succeeding right just focusing on that optimism is going to really help us to kind of put ourselves up by our bootstraps and get going on the things we can control on the things that we can perform well in right now again that is going to change the trajectory

16:31 towards something more positive and finally i want to say this is the time to enlist your children's help it is wonderful for children to feel like they are part of the household that they are needed that they are important and we've come a long way in terms of ensuring our children's comfort and ensuring that they are well cared for and ensuring that they are well treated and treated with respect sometimes we go too far in not expecting enough of them

16:58 i think this is a great time to expect your children to help you right to do chores alongside you putting their laundry maybe in the laundry or maybe just in the basket picking up their plates picking up their toys um cleaning up if they've spilled something all the things that they can do for themselves can they put on their shoes by themselves then ask them to can they fetch the water for themselves then ask them to explain to them that

17:23 there is a lot going on and you need their help whenever i'm in a period of time where i have no help but by myself stressed lots of work to do etc it's a time when i tell my kids that i say look i've got a lot going on here's what's happening i've thrown my back out daddy's away we have no help there is no school i need you guys to be great helpers i need you to tidy up your

17:45 toys and help me with the cooking and do all the things that you're capable of doing and even from as early as two years old children are able to do quite a lot of things for themselves right so i want you to remember that that's actually really healthy for them that's not another thing to add to your guilt list that's something that's great for them they feel capable they feel like they're contributors and they are and they should be don't take that away

18:09 from them if you are currently in survival mode i hope that these 10 tips have helped and they will help to kind of reign you back from burnout remember that's a real risk and really take it seriously to look after yourself ask for help simplify everything that you can if this has been helpful please give it a thumbs up hit on the subscribe button and the notification bell so that you see when my upcoming videos are coming out

18:33 every single monday and if you think this could be helpful for another parent who's going through a challenging time please do share it with them keep on loving parenting and parenting from love and what we really want to do is try and survive bless you hello my love are you in survival mode are you in survival mode you okay there mister really really you want to sit on my lap like this

19:04 stay with your feet why are you so uncomfortable what can we do for you you want to go on my shoulder i think you're ready to sleep actually