# What NO really means **Creator:** Dr. Shefali **Platform:** youtube **Duration:** 32m **Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA ## Summary In this book club session discussing "A Radical Awakening," the speaker emphasizes the importance of recognizing and breaking toxic patterns in relationships, particularly those rooted in childhood trauma. The discussion highlights the necessity of setting boundaries and understanding that pain often stems from unmet expectations and the need for validation from others. - The book focuses on reclaiming personal power and breaking free from toxic patterns of seeking love and worth from external sources. - Pain is described as an inevitable part of the healing process, often linked to childhood wounds and unmet expectations in relationships. - Recognizing one's own patterns is crucial; many people get trapped in cycles of people-pleasing or codependency. - Setting boundaries is essential for healthy relationships, and it involves saying no to oneself rather than trying to change others. - The speaker encourages self-reflection and awareness to identify and stop unhealthy behaviors and patterns. - The pain of change is necessary for growth, and it can lead to a deeper understanding of self-worth and personal empowerment. - The importance of self-advocacy and not compromising one's needs or worth is emphasized throughout the discussion. - Ultimately, the journey involves embracing one's own completeness and not relying on others for validation or approval. ## Transcript [[0:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=0s) hello everyone welcome to my book club you know the book i'm talking about it is a radical awakening book club number 23. i always have to look at the number hello everyone welcome in we're doing book club number 23. sign in tell me how you are who still hasn't bought the book you can confess and if you have bought the book what is resonating for you [[0:30]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=30s) so this book is really about how to take our power back how to understand that we've been giving our power away we are in a toxic pattern we're playing roles that we've always played begging for love and worth begging for someone to give us attention please see me i'm a good person i'm a good person love me love me love me and we haven't [[1:01]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=61s) been able to break free of these patterns because breaking free is a lot of hard work you have to really go through the tunnel of the burning of the flames of the inferno of your patterns to say no more right and that is pain i remember breakups that i've been through in relationships where you where literally i haven't left the bed because i'm working through the inferno [[1:32]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=92s) of the feelings that come up and it feels so painful it feels like you're going to die and you just have to know that on the other side of pain is resurrection i mean you just have to know it and i think by the time you're in your 40s like i am you kind of know okay here we go let's dive into the pain and after 72 hours we will come out for air and be a little better and i do [[2:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=122s) think after 72 92 102 hours of intense being in the pain you will emerge stronger so feelings are so uncomfortable it they are so uncomfortable because what are the feelings the feelings are being misunderstood being unheard being um taken for granted feeling like you are right feeling like you're misheard feeling like you're misunderstood right we don't know whether we really [[2:33]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=153s) are but the feeling is that you are and the feeling is that you're rejected and that somebody is not treating you the way you deserve the way you think you deserve and guess what you do deserve to be treated the way you think you deserve as long as it's not coming from a bombastic narcissistic place but if you're really coming from a place of you know why am i taking this [ __ ] why am i taking this crap [[3:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=182s) you're probably right don't take it don't take it but to not take it means to go through the pain of like how is this happening to me why am i being rejected why am i being abandoned why are being why am i being just discarded or whatever it is you're feeling you have to first get over the disbelief you know for me the hardest part in breaking my patterns was i couldn't believe i was in a pad i was like [[3:32]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=212s) am i being treated badly is this bad treatment is this person just dumping me it took me a long time to go oh i've been dumped or i've been treated badly i don't know what it was it was my denial i was like no no no this person is not treating me badly this person is you know let me try harder let me try harder and i just kept trying and trying and trying and then one day [[4:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=240s) after being discarded i would be like oh i shouldn't have tried so hard so this is the the people-pleaser pattern you may have another pattern if you are the shield for example pattern that i talk about in my book i talk about patterns if you are the shield pattern in the book you will not be trying very hard don't worry that is only the bleeding silly moronic empaths that we are we keep trying the shields don't try the shields are [[4:27]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=267s) like f you goodbye see ya and they're the ones who block you they're like complete like shield shield shield so if a shield and an empath get together really difficult because your brother is like please let me in please let me in and the shield is like no way so shields should be with shields empaths should be with empaths so that they can understand each other but typically empaths are it shields and that's really hard anyway the point is not the mass [[4:58]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=298s) the point is the underlying disconnect both of these masts at the bottom of the mall have a desire to get love and worth from the outside that's it one does it through empathy one does it through lack of empathy right it doesn't really matter the point is what are we trying to get and if we are trying to get worth from the other hey hey see me he understand me hey please love me then these are the wrong ways to do [[5:27]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=327s) it right the empaths way the shield's way the savior's way the child's way all wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong so the the real key is for you to recognize when you are in your own path pattern and how you can break the pattern don't expect the other to not to not part play their part they're going to do their pattern you have to know okay i've had enough i cannot do this anymore and then you enter the dark night of the [[5:57]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=357s) soul and that is what is a horrible experience yes who here has been through a dark night of the soul it is only torture torture torture torture so rima pierce says please talk about the gas lighting done by knox to the empaths the thing with gaslighting now my guys is that and gals is that everyone is using the word gaslighting all the time oh you guys lighting me so i don't even like to use that word [[6:26]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=386s) anymore from today i'm going to use it less and less because i've been told i gas like people and i'm thinking they're guys lighting me i'm like no yoga is citing me and they're like no yoga is lighting me so basically it's become like a [ __ ] word so be careful who cares what they're doing the point is what are you feeling and if you know yourself then you can extricate from your patterns it doesn't [[6:54]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=414s) matter if somebody's gaslighting you who cares it's what matters for you what is your life experience yes and it doesn't even matter who the person is what the person is the other person is irrelevant if you feel that you know your truth stop begging the other to to believe your truth it never works it never works especially in the impact narcissistic dynamic it simply doesn't work so when somebody tells you you're gas liking them or they're gaslighting you [[7:25]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=445s) you go good to know i'm happy you know your truth good for you wonderful right wonderful and you just go heal yourself and especially if that person has huge trauma pain from childhood you know that they can't see it no point you know how many times i've shown not my narcissistic ex partners this yeah on page 22 it says you did exactly this to me do you see do you see do you see oh my god no they [[7:52]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=472s) did not see do not do it they will take the book and hit you on the head okay don't do it just understand yourself and leave leave you either want to be with them and you can handle their [ __ ] or you don't this is the best relationship advice can you handle that [ __ ] no leave that's about it like because it's all [ __ ] at the end you know it's all my childhood my your mother my mother my [[8:19]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=499s) father your mother oh my goodness so you have to just figure out if you can handle this person's unique mother issues you know most men especially have mother issues what is it with us women that we create these sons that have mother issues anyway really the only issue worth talking about is the mother issue there are such things as daddy issues but when you have a mother wound it's a mother of a wound okay because the mother wound that attachment [[8:49]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=529s) unfortunately only the mother could give now the many fathers in the world who are amazing and they can give great attachment but i'm talking about preponderously in the world right it's basically the mother so when your mother has rejected you when your mother doesn't allow you to be on the boob so to speak to nurture to get that maternal care when your mother didn't take care of you when you were sick when your mother rejected you you're [[9:14]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=554s) gonna have mother issues okay mother of the mother of the mother issues okay really you're gonna be in recovery all your life and that's okay just don't put it on your female partner and expect her to be the mother because she cannot because what happens when you have a mother issue and your mother was like a total like psycho you know your mother was nice one day come my my child come and make you cereal and [[9:42]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=582s) then the other day she throws the cereal on you you grow up with a real distrust for women okay now i'm talking to the guys i don't know how i start how i've ended up here my lecture was supposed to be on pain now i'm talking about mother issues well so when you have mother issues you will then project your mother issues on your partner and then you will want them to be the amazing mother and if she is an empath she will be an [[10:09]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=609s) amazing mother however she can do one thing wrong one thing wrong show up five minutes late mess up your cereal say your ass one time that mother is going to the gutter and that person will do this to the to the partner all the time good mother bad mother good mother bad mother have you ever been in a relationship with someone who one day you're amazing to them and the next day you're in the gutter one day you're amazing the next day in [[10:37]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=637s) your garden if you complain you're in the gutter if you praise them you're up there it's a roller coaster because these are mother issues right so sad have compassion but you have to figure out your own issues and why you're part of that dynamic maybe you're a savior maybe you're an empath you're like i'll come and be the lovely mother right um watch out right watch out watch out watch out so once you have decided your boundaries [[11:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=664s) and then you dive into the creation of the boundaries now you're going to be either in a new kind of relationship or the relationship is going to end this is the price for boundaries when you say no more the partner you can change and that will be amazing but if the partner and you cannot change the relationship may need to go now when the relationship is going to go [[11:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=696s) that's where the pain is and that is terrifying for every one of us it is earth-shattering pain yes because the feeling is that you have been discarded that you are not good enough and it brings up all your childhood pain that you were not worthy if you don't process that pain and understand it is coming from your child's self from that little girl or that little boy [[12:08]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=728s) you will not be able to move through the tunnel you know you will not be able to go through the tunnel and the pain is here to show you that you were in a relationship dynamic that wasn't working and it is time to create boundaries and boundaries are really hard because they typically mean the end of a relationship because most people cannot take the change that you are instituting so in this book i talk about [[12:39]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=759s) how to a recognize you're in a toxic pattern b to co own your co-creation and then c to create sacred boundaries and when you do pain is inevitable so we are all terrified of pain we're all terrified of pain this is why we employ the ego mask of pleaser or conflict avoider or shield because we're terrified of pain pain of what pain of confronting that only we [[13:10]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=790s) can at the end of the day meet our own needs the pain is really coming back to ourselves we so wanted the other to meet our needs we so wanted them to understand us we so wanted this union to be amazing but it cannot be because of mother of other issues blame the mom or dad so because of that we are shattered because our fantasy has shattered we had expectations we had dreams right we were children naive hoping to [[13:40]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=820s) fly away in a bubble together in the butterflies and all the parachute is not even is not even taking off it's crashing it's like burnt so we are in pain pain is always about an unmet expectation a fantasy that is not going to come true and because we had put all our eggs in this fantasy it's devastating but understand that it was not meant to be it couldn't come to fruition if [[14:12]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=852s) something is aligned whether you can have 20 raging wild horses pulling it away it will not leave you if it was true love it will not leave you it will come back to you if it was truly the job you were meant to do you will find it again if it was truly the city you were meant to live in you will recreate it somewhere else if she was the friend you were meant to have you will find her again [[14:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=876s) don't worry we enter such lack that's why the pain becomes excruciating because we believe only this person only this moment only this time wrong this person was a lesson a lesson to show you where you were in your pattern if they're meant to stay you will both do the work together if they're not meant for you let it go the next lesson will come but that pain in between lessons is so excruciating because you wanted this [[15:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=904s) person or you wanted this job or you wanted this thing but the pain is all about releasing the expectation releasing the fantasy releasing that you needed this person especially in intimate relationships you know we want that person because we put all our eggs in that basket so we want that person we may have been in love may have been an attachment may have been in desire but sometimes if the levels of consciousness do not match they do not match guys [[15:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=936s) and we need to release it you cannot keep fixing and hoping and waiting how much can you do at some point you need to say i am worthy of being better by myself than being in a beggar mentality i am worthy of loving myself i am worthy of this this life i'm worthy of love so if the person doesn't want to be with me i need to release or this job is not working out i need to [[16:07]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=967s) release right do not wait do not wait if you find yourself waiting that is a pattern don't ever wait you are too powerful to wait you are too worthy to wait you're too amazing to ever be at someone's decision of when they want to be with you no never put yourself in that position and if you have already and after the 10th time can you please snap out of it can you stop can you absolutely stop [[16:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=996s) codependency exactly codependents will stay in narcissistic dynamics until they die okay magnolia thank goodness i got out okay there you go co-dependent stop it stop it so the codependent is really the eternal child you know come on let's try again let's do it differently right and the pattern is the pattern is the pattern and you're banging your head and you're in the same codependent let's try again let's do it one more time [[17:07]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1027s) maybe i'll change my hairstyle do you want me to color it a darker shade of brown maybe that'll help maybe if i get bigger boobs i think that'll help right some [ __ ] we do to simply avoid the reality of our reality right so whatever your reality is whether it is to cut toxic parents whether just to cut good cut toxic friends or toxic lovers or toxic adult children [[17:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1058s) my daughter do you hear me she's only 18 not yet an adult but if she's an adult toxic nasty person coming to my house at the age of 30 with her nasty boyfriend or girlfriend and they leave beer all over and vomit over my my bedroom floor and steal my money not allowed in my house so i say now but i don't think i'll allow it that's codependent that i am no but it applies for every relationship [[18:07]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1087s) so if you're in the same pattern guys feeling like crap waiting for love begging someone to understand you holding your breath hoping that they will call you okay don't do this okay you can do it in your 20s if you must because we all did please don't do it in your 40s and do not do it in your late 40s like me or in your 50s unacceptable okay unacceptable the minute someone doesn't want you out that's it you are not allowed to [[18:39]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1119s) treat yourself as somebody's rug as somebody's play you know that they can just play with you no not allowed but you have to own your worth you have to say what am i doing in this dynamic what am i doing begging someone right if you don't get it why should they get it right so the the reason we don't have our light bulbs going off is because we don't want to deal with the pain okay the pain is the problem the pain is [[19:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1151s) the pain because we know if we change the dynamic and give them the finger here comes pain and the pain is a is that is the mother of all mothers okay it is torture because again it is a feeling of being rejected so then you have to realize that the feeling of being rejected is not really a feeling that's real it's coming from childhood trauma it's coming from your inner child but it hurts as if it's right here [[19:43]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1183s) right even when i go through pain and i know it's my inner child and i have to say to myself all the time shafati it's not real it's your inner child that's screaming it's not real it's your old abandonment issues it's your old ptsd it takes a lot of soothing right but that pain is resurfacing and trying to tell you go back to the old relationship go back to the old relationship but no you have to go through the pain [[20:12]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1212s) and begin to tell yourself you are i am worthy i can do this no one can reject me i am unrejectable i am unbetrayable i am whole as myself i don't need the other person to complete me i don't need the other person to validate me i got this so as your inner child is having a heart attack like oh my god oh my god i'm being rejected you need to talk to that inner child and [[20:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1238s) go no you're not because i'm in town i'm the adult and i'm here to tell you that you are worthy you are capable you can do this and you have to have a whole dialogue between your inner child and your adult song so i talk about all of this in my book a radical awakening who's going to buy the book that hasn't bought the book right now who right here has not bought the book that needs to get the book [[21:05]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1265s) get the book get the book so you can handle pain pain is just about our old wounds resurfacing you can handle the pain this book is going to teach you how to handle the pain christine says this book is absolutely amazing i cannot put it down leave a review we need your reviews so we can handle the pain the pain is not from this person rejecting you the pain is from your childhood can you [[21:37]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1297s) paste that on your forehead when whenever you're in pain just say this pain is not from this person rejecting me this pain of feels like this person is rejecting me this pain is from my childhood this pain is from my childhood i can do this and create the healthy boundaries you need to be in a worthy relationship a relationship that is worthy of you create the boundaries don't avoid boundaries because you're afraid of the pain of being rejected that pain is not a [[22:06]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1326s) real pain it is the pain of your childhood you can do this create the healthy boundaries you need do not compromise yourself do not wait for love do not wait for validation do not beg for it ever at least after the first hundred times can you stop i take 100 times i don't know about you i need 100 times too for it to hit and sink in oh i'm in a pattern oops how did i get here at least 100 [[22:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1356s) times i would say 100 times for a few months to be honest because i can't believe i'm in my pattern all the time but it's okay as you become more and more aware you're like there's my pattern there's my pattern there's my pattern and you become braver and braver to release the pattern i talk about this non-stop in this entire book your patterns your patterns how to break the patterns how to break the patterns so get the book a radical awakening [[23:06]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1386s) be a boundary boss my friend terry cole wrote a beautiful book boundary boss so let me just read you a little section of my part of the boundaries hold on hold on hold on my boundary section let's see what i say about boundaries let's see what i say about boundaries i love boundaries hold on you can comment i'm looking for my [[23:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1416s) boundaries section hold on hold on hold on where the hell is my boundaries embracing sovereignty the art of sacred boundaries page 281 setting boundaries in our intimate relationships saying no to those who might depend on us and walking away from toxic dynamics are some things we always avoid we are lying to ourselves when we do this we can never really be in an authentic [[24:07]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1447s) relationship unless we come from a place of self-worth self-honor and self-advocacy there is no way to save anyone else if we ourselves are drowning without boundaries creating boundaries means to say no plain and simple okay i'm going to say something really important here so hold on hold on it is our way of saying this doesn't feel right to me and i need to stop participating in it we either say no through our words or our actions [[24:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1474s) now here is the important part are you ready okay here you are you ready guess what the boundary isn't for the other person you're not saying no to the other person i want it to really sink in what you're not saying no to the other person the no isn't to the other person the no is to ourselves what we say no to the roles we have [[25:07]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1507s) robotically and unconsciously played in the past it's not about asking the other to change it just demands that we stop our part our role our participation in the dynamic what we thought i thought really i'm learning from this book that it is you saying no to the other person no you're like no and then we're asking the other person to change that's not what a sacred boundary is [[25:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1538s) what a sacred boundary is to say no to yourself oh my goodness no really that means you have to look at yourself in the mirror and to ask yourself how are you being pathetic right now how are you being a beggar right now how are you licking the plate for crumbs how and then telling yourself to stop not licking the plate and asking the other to give you more crumbs not licking the plate and asking the [[26:03]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1563s) other please please please fill my plate up no it's watching yourself licking the plate with of crumbs begging for crumbs seeing yourself in the mirror and going is that me oh my goodness i gotta stop what is wrong with me and then break the blade on your head so that you wake up gently okay hopefully it's a paper plate it is about stopping your participation [[26:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1596s) your role don't do you anymore the way you were doing you change you so if you were lovely waiting and the person is always late stop waiting right if the person has uh you know whatever dumped you don't call them if somebody is is engaging in a verbal fight with you don't engage stop [[27:06]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1626s) yourself zip your lips toy yourself up do whatever it takes go to turkey or china or wherever you are far away to another place and go on a boat which doesn't have wi-fi so you cannot engage in your patterns do what it takes because understand we are an addict to the pattern we cannot stop i don't know about you i can't stop a pattern i'm telling you first it takes me hundreds of thousands of times to get it [[27:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1654s) and i talk about this all the time but i think i'm above the pattern you see i think i'm so evolved and then i'm in the pattern oh my goodness and then i can't stop the pa first is to become aware then is to stop the habit the addiction so i have to take myself on a on a boat really and be thrown out into the wild water that's the only way that i can recover so if you're a recovering pattern addict [[28:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1682s) recognize that with humility i'm going to turkey on sunday i should come with you gabrielle let's go let's go to coppadocia whatever and let's not come back okay till we are we are recovered addicts till we have finally recovered many 12-step 12-step programs we have to go to in turkish so many of us have been confused with what the word no means no da we think that to say no means [[28:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1714s) we need to explain or justify ourselves or engage in conflict yeah or we think it means we need to help the other make the changes we think they need to make yes let me help you let me help you to become a better lover let me help you to become a better friend let me help you i'll give you reminders when it's my birthday i'll give you gifts to give me back i'll give you things to say back to me i'll [[29:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1740s) put them in quotes so you can just copy paste and put it back to me in a text yeah that's what we think it is so actually it's saying no and embodying the no simply means to decide this is it guys to decide i am done okay no really i'm done [[29:32]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1772s) done with who not the other person done with my pathetic sick addict self done with myself i'm done done done when you get to that lovely place then you will create a boundary then the pain starts and then the recovery really begins so what are you going to be done with you're going to be done with your engagement with your participation this is what [[30:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1802s) ends when we start saying no it has nothing to do with the other all it means that we are shutting off our lights and turning down our energy we disengage whatever it was we were doing to keep the dynamic going we stop in essence we say no to the little girl within us that desires approval validation and praise no little girl no we tell her you do not need these crumbs of words from the other person [[30:33]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1833s) anymore you do not you are already whole and complete within do not be afraid to step into this inner power did you hear that little girl a little boy done da [Music] when you are done with your own addiction now you can begin to heal so you have to first become aware of your pattern for which you need my book 100 then you need to watch the pattern [[31:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1864s) happening in real time then you need to do it 1000 times to become really clear then you need to be vomiting your pattern because you're so sick of yourself for playing the same pattern and then you need to say no more i'm done and then the pain starts welcome to pain but the pain is going to take you to your next evolution it will that i promise you so a radical awakening awaits all of us when we are willing to think of [[31:35]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1895s) ourselves as worthy as complete as whole as important as not beggars as not a side pieces taking anything anyone wants to give us put yourself front and center in your life really let me tell you it is much better to be alone than to be way back in the line put yourself way first put yourself in the center of your life [[32:06]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMHs8RfkQA&t=1926s) do it especially if you're in your late 40s and up it's already too late we gotta live big we gotta live joyful for ourselves we don't beg never do begging anymore don't do that anymore okay guys i will see you for the next book club when i see you grab a copy of the book and leave a review if you're inspired bye guys