#AskDrV: How To Tell My Child That We're Separating

0:00 I'm dr. Vanessa Lapointe I'm a registered psychologist parenting educator and mom to two growing boys and this is ask dr. bee dear dr. Vanessa my husband and I are working out the details of our separation however the thing I dread most is telling our children we are lucky about our split is mostly amicable but I still worry about what impact this will have on our two boys ages four and ten years do you have any advice for how to tell children

0:31 about divorce and separation I want to be on the same page as my husband so that we're telling the kids the same things sincerely Sookie the thing is when it comes to separation in divorce the number one concern for children down in their heart of hearts is going to be that they're losing their family and I always say to a couples divorce and separation in and of themselves don't wreck children it's the conflict and the disconnect that wrecks the children and

1:00 so what we want to do is make sure that you really try to be your most grown-up self if you continue to navigate your way through figuring out how this is going to go for your family that you try as much as you can to minimize the conflict so that your children don't have to marinate in the soup of all of that disgusting fighting and how it sort of pollutes the air all around them and you want to ensure that your children

1:23 have resolutely got their eyes set on the enduring connectedness of your family for a family you will always be divorce and separation doesn't mean that you stop being a family it means that you continue to be a family just in a different form so have you as you head into the conversation with your children around your separation in your divorce you'll want to focus on that first and foremost that you as adults have decided that this is what is best for your family

1:52 that you are the kind of parents the kind of big people that can be counted on to do right by your children and that even though you and dad are separating and/or divorcing you have really wanted to make sure that the children know that your family will never ever stop being a family next to that your children are actually going to be focused on really creet things like do they have to give up their bedrooms like are they gonna

2:17 have to move like where are you gonna live and what color will your house be and are you going to have a boyfriend and are they gonna have new brothers and sisters and it's gonna be those kind of concrete things that affect their day to day reality that's normally where kids go next in terms of their big line of questioning and so those two things your family will always be a family and be prepared to have some answers in terms

2:38 of the functionality of day to day life for your children and how this is going to play out for them and remember Sookie you've got this