#AskDrV: When Your In-Laws Want To Do It Their Way

0:00 My name is Dr. Vanessa Lapointe. I'm a registered psychologist, parenting educator, and mom to two growing boys. And this is Ask Dr. V. Dear Dr. Vanessa, this question has more to do with me than with my child. I'm a new parent and I'm enjoying my little girl immensely. The trouble has to do with my in laws and surrounding family. They didn't parent in the style that my husband and I plan on parenting, and often it feels as though they're disregarding our wishes.

0:33 From feeding foods to her that I haven't introduced to little swats on the bum. I'm worried that this is only going to get worse as my daughter gets older. I try to be direct, but I feel as though I'm overrun by their opinions and they do what they want anyways. Do you have any advice for approaching this potentially awkward conversation? Sincerely, Pam I do have some advice for approaching this potentially awkward conversation, but I want to start by asking you a question first.

1:02 If it was some other adult, let's say a teacher or a daycare worker or somebody like that, who was spanking your child or feeding your child foods that you had said were not to be fed to her, would you just stand feebly by and let it all go down? Or would you spank, step in like the great mother that you are and really define that boundary to the extent that they would never even dream of crossing it?

1:31 I suspect, given the nature of your question, that you're actually a really great parent who's the kind of parent that would step in and would redefine that boundary were it to be any other adult. The trouble here is that these adults, the adults that are overruling you, the adults that are spanking your little baby's bum, the adults who are feeding her things that you've asked them not to feed her, those are adults that have an emotional relationship with you.

1:56 They're adults that are part of your world and because of this, they're adults who can kind of get at you. They don't mean to, of course. In fact, they're your friendly little souls that have been placed into your life on purpose in order to trigger this stuff in you so that you get a chance to grow up those parts of you. I suspect if we were to look back over time that you have at other points in your life, especially when you were a little girl, had your boundaries crossed or found it really difficult to step in and stand up for yourself for fear that you would be judged, or for fear that you would be made wrong, or for some other reason that would have prevented you from stepping into your own and really holding on to what you believe to be the right thing.

2:37 And so here's your chance. And we often will do for our children what we wouldn't do for ourselves. And so your little girl now has come into your life, and this circumstance or situation has been created for you so that you get a chance to figure out, how do you step in and be the great mother? How do you step in and have big person power? Not yucky power, but nurturing. I mean business. I'm a mom, and I shall do right by my child, and you shall do right by my child.

3:06 Kind of big person energy. That's your challenge here. And as in all things, relationship is always going to be the way through. And so as you approach these potentially awkward conversations, what you'll want to do is really channel that energy. Like, this is my little girl, and thou shalt not pass. And I love you, and you're part of my family, and I respect you. And I really could see how you could think this might be the way, how you could believe that she needs to eat those foods, how you might think that you know better than I know, and that will not stand.

3:43 And I love you, and we'll always be family members. We'll always be friends. We'll always be people who care for each other. And that will not stand. And remember, you've got this.