Transcript
0:00 My dad's a legs guy. You know with men, they say men are either like a legs guy, a butt guy, or a boobs guy. And I know it's offensive to minimize men like that. >> [laughter] >> But if my dad sees a tall woman, he's like, "Son, >> [snorts] >> she's got legs for days." Because that's the only way you can measure legs in this dumb [ __ ] country of ours. Legs for feet sounds like a horror movie.
0:29 >> [laughter] >> As Americans, I think you should take one moment every day to reflect just how dumb it is we still use feet as a unit of measurement. That's just some GUY'S FOOT ONCE. >> [laughter] >> BUT WE STILL USE IT FOR FOR VERY IMPORTANT THINGS, EXCEPT HORSES. >> [laughter] >> If you don't know, horses measured in hands. That's right. >> [laughter] >> Feet, hands.
0:59 At some point they must have tried. >> [laughter] >> They must have tried measuring things in [ __ ] I bet you they did, and I can tell you exactly what happened. No one could agree how long one [ __ ] should be. >> [laughter] >> I'm sure at first they went with the average. That makes sense. But then the bottom half of men stormed the capital and were like, "WHAT THE [ __ ] MY [ __ ] IS ONLY HALF A [ __ ] THIS IS NOT GOING TO STAND."
1:29 SO THEN, THEY HAD TO MAKE THE [ __ ] SMALLER and smaller until no man felt insecure, and that's how we got the centimeter. >> [laughter] >> All I ever wanted was 6 in. God, I used to spend every night in high school measuring my dick with a dollar bill. >> [laughter] >> And do you do you know do you know why a dollar bill? Because cuz they're they're pretty much 6 in and rulers don't curve and >> [laughter] >> I've spent hours of my life dick slapping George Washington in the face and >> [cheering and applause] >> he'd be looking back at me like I cannot tell a lie.
2:09 >> [laughter] >> You're a buck short. >> [applause] >> That's why look I'm no fan of Donald Trump but I would love to get him on the $1 bill. Cuz then no matter how big you are he'd be like huge. >> [laughter] [applause] >> That joke will be funny when he's not president in 12 years believe you me. You have my word.
Summary
- The speaker's father is characterized as a "legs guy," highlighting a humorous stereotype about men's preferences.
- The absurdity of using feet as a measurement is emphasized, questioning its origins and practicality.
- The joke about horses being measured in hands contrasts with the use of feet for humans.
- A comedic narrative about the evolution of measurement standards suggests insecurity among men influenced the creation of smaller units like centimeters.
- The speaker shares a personal story about measuring his own anatomy with a dollar bill, adding a humorous twist to the topic.
- A playful suggestion is made to feature Donald Trump on the $1 bill to humorously address size perceptions.