Parenting Triggers: Step by Step Guide to Managing Your Anger | The Mom Psychologist

0:00 I know for many of the parents that I work with becoming a more calmer parent is on their list of priorities and I love this goal because it places less of the focus on trying to control and fix our kids and instead cause us to focus more on what we can control which is ourselves and our own reactions our own decisions and choices as parents now let's be real though managing our triggers in the moment is a lot easier

0:28 said than done and we're not always going to get this right right there's no such thing as a perfect parent now in my last episode I talked about three of the most common reasons why parents get angry at their kids in the first place and now in this episode I want to share a step-by-step action plan for how to handle your parenting triggers in the moment especially when you're around your kids so let's discuss [Music] step number one and this may seem very

0:59 obvious and like well done but it is so important because oftentimes we react before we even realize that we're angry so step number one is to draw more awareness to how you're feeling in the moment and really your awareness as a parent is really your number one superpower um so what you want to do is start to become aware of how your body is feeling because oftentimes before it even registers psychologically our body will

1:31 give us cues that we're feeling triggered in the first place so our heart will start to race uh we might get sweaty um we might start having these racing thoughts we might feel tense um there's you know different cues that our bodies will give us and we're all different in the ways in which our our emotions manifest in our body but if we can draw more awareness to how we're feeling in the moment we are going to be

1:57 better able to intervene and I know this feels like well duh Dr Jasmine like of course I have to become more aware and I am aware I am angry right I am aware that I'm in the moment I'm angry but oftentimes if you'll start to notice your pattern what happens is we have an emotion which our body sends us cues and we have this emotion and then we re-react on impulse right and we start yelling and we start dishing out threats

2:26 and punishments before we even realize what's happening then we're like oh shoot I regret saying it why did I say it like that and now your kid is crying and now you're feeling like the worst parent ever so the more that we can draw more awareness to how we're feeling um will bring us more clarity in the moment on how to best respond right because we can't change something if we're not first aware of it and so I

2:52 would say you want to practice cultivating more awareness during those times that you are calm and present and engaged or just neutral and also those times that you're feeling angry and upset you know how does your body react physiologically what are the cues that it sends you um mindfulness is a wonderful practice to help cultivate more of this awareness and keep in mind with mindfulness I know it's a big word and you're like ah you know I don't have time to sit down and

3:21 meditate it's not just about meditating you can practice mindfulness literally anywhere you can practice mindfulness while you're driving you can practice mindfulness while you're taking a shower while you're cooking while you're playing with your kids you can literally practice mindfulness anywhere and it's all about just drawing your attention to the present moment because a lot of the times our minds are either on the past or they're in the future um it's you know easy for our minds to

3:49 be everywhere except in the present moment right now so when you're you're practicing mindfulness you're bringing your attention back to the present moment without judgment and just simply noticing the thoughts noticing what's around you and the experience that you're having and like I said you can literally do this at any moment you can draw more mindfulness and so the more that you practice mindfulness again when you are in a positive State when you're in a neutral State as well as when

4:17 you're in an activated and experiencing an intense emotion like anger right all of those different states the more you can practice that awareness the better able you're going to be at managing your parenting triggers overall step number two two and again this might feel a little obvious or like this is a lot easier said than done but step number two when you notice that you're getting triggered in the moment again step one is all about cultivating that awareness when you're

4:45 like okay I am triggered it's happening I'm getting angry I feel myself becoming upset step number two is to pause okay and anger is one of those emotions that's gonna tell you to do everything except pause right those alarm bells are going to be going off in your brain and it's basically sending you the message that there's a threat whether there is a real threat or a perceived threat um now obviously I'm not talking about those moments where it really is an

5:15 emergency and you need to respond to keep everybody safe but a lot of the times most parenting situations are not emergencies even though they feel like they are and so everything in your body and in your mind is going to tell you it's not safe to pause I have to deal with this right then and there and so very often we fall into a pattern where we're trying to just power through moments right we're just trying to get

5:38 through the moment but that rarely works right and we end up losing our cool and yelling and getting frustrated and dishing out punishments and doing all the things that we hate when we try to power through so instead my my invitation to you is when you notice that you're getting triggered to Simply pause take a beat okay you can't change your reaction you can't try to calm yourself down if you first don't pause and this

6:08 can be quick right this can be a quick step back but it's an intentional positive okay right now I'm gonna pause I'm feeling upset right now I'm feeling myself getting triggered my heart is racing whatever it is that you notice in the moment right things are starting to speed up I'm having racing thoughts I need to pause so giving yourself permission to pause is so so important in this process and I promise you your future self will thank

6:38 you for it step number three after you pause is to make a conscious choice now what this Choice has to has to do with is choosing calm choosing love choosing to pause in this moment and so you can tell yourself you can use a mantra like right now in this moment I am pausing I am choosing love I am choosing calm I know things feel very chaotic right now but I am in control

7:09 and I am going to be the most intentional calmer parent when I take some time to calm down and this has to be really a conscious choice this again anger is so reactive right and it's so focused on protecting ourselves and getting aggressive and defending ourselves against threat and so we have to make a conscious Choice when we feel very angry and upset at our kids or our partner or whoever it is

7:40 to choose something different right to say to ourselves I am safe right now I am okay I can choose calm I can choose love I choose love and this really has to be a conscious choice there's no other way around it to combat that reactivity now it's very simple right if you haven't noticed this three-step process is simple um but there's no real shortcuts to this right although it is simple it takes a lot of work in the moment again when we

8:11 are feeling activated our body is going to tell us to do everything but stay calm and if you um listened into my last episode on common reasons why parents get angry at their kids in the first place a lot of it has to do with our interpretations the the meaning that we make from our child's Behavior or lack of behavior right the things that we feel like they are doing or not doing in the right way right or how where they're

8:43 supposed to be right so a lot of this has to do with our own thinking and our own interpretations and perspective right deep down we want something to be different in this moment and our anger stems from that right this is not right this should be different they should be behaving differently right and now I feel out of control and now I feel like I need to be angry or my anger is Justified so that I can take control so

9:09 that I can Reign everybody in right and so to combat these feelings which are very normal uh feelings and Universal feelings to combat all of this and to combat this whole process is to pause and make a conscious choice to choose patients I really feel like patience is a choice that we have to make moment to moment it's not something that we can just wish for it's something that we have to actively

9:40 choose and make a conscious effort to be patient in the moment and so it starts with growing awareness pausing in the moment and then having some kind of Mantra that brings us back to our core values as parents right which is to love our kids I know that we all love our kids and we all mean well and there's so much really to say about calm parenting um but what I will say is again going back to our perspective our perspective

10:08 really is everything one of the things that I've been personally struggling with as we're adjusting um to our new morning routine into my kids going to school is this idea around cultivating more patients when it comes to the mornings and um really managing my deep fear and anxiety around time and getting to things on time that's a big one for me and so I'm choosing to perceive this season as growth

10:39 opportunities for me right that this is an area of weakness for me as a parent and a person in general is just all my anxiety around these things and that this is calling me to grow and I am looking at trying to look at the situations different and trying to really value and come home to how sacred this time is with my girls in the moment and I'm finding that the more that I'm trying to cultivate more presence and

11:06 cultivate more connection with my little ones during this time the better able I'm the better I am able to be a calmer parent and you know this really is a muscle that gets stronger over time as we practice it right again we're not always going to get this right none of us are perfect calm parents all the time and even the most perfect comp parent will yell and lose their cool every once in a while and so we're not going to get

11:33 this perfect and a lot of this process has to do with giving ourselves Grace but the beautiful thing is that as we practice this more and more every day intentionally and we make that choice to be a more calm conscious parent one the better we get able the better able we are to do this right it takes practice and the more we practice the better we are at it but also too it's such a wonderful thing to model for our kids

12:01 right model both our mess-ups but also us choosing calm right and you know transforming before their very eyes that's what how they're going to learn how to manage their own anger and their own anxiety and all their other intense emotions that we all experience right we're all learning this together so it really is a parallel process if you will now if you want a deeper dive into all of this especially you know how how to become a more calmer parent because

12:28 again there is so much to say about this topic and I'm really passionate about this topic because it's something that we're all working on and I think it's one of our top priorities as parents uh definitely download my free guide which is my Simple Guide to Becoming a calmer parent I share more checklists and scripts and step-by-step action plans you can take in the moment when you find yourself angry at your kids and about to lose it so definitely check that out

12:55 again it's free and you can go to the mompsychologist.com forward slash calm parenting to download that free guide that's all I have for this episode I'll see you guys in the next one bye