Conscious Parenting with Dr Shefali Tsabary and Lewis Howes

0:00 am i connected to myself today am I feeling cold today where are my missing pieces today because whatever is missing within us within 10 minutes of our child waking up we're gonna dump it on them Wow yeah every time I see something wrong in what my child is doing is because I'm feeling wronged in my own life or that I'm not good enough so when I'm not feeling good enough I see everything wrong in my child but I'm coming from a superfluous

0:26 sense of you know gratitude and wellness suddenly they can do no wrong right is projection welcome back everyone to the school of greatness podcast we have the legendary dr. Shefali in the house thank you so much for being here he's so excited very excited I've been

0:58 introduced to you many times by dozens of people to have you on so I'm very glad that we finally got you in the studio and you've been doing a lot of work with parents and their kids for a long time is that right yes yes and it's not so much because I'm you know in love with parents particularly it's because I realize how important was first years are and as a therapist I have been working with mostly adults but then I

1:29 would notice that no matter who the adult is we inevitably spend all our time on their childhood so then I figured if I want to make a difference in this world and I always knew I wanted to right then I need to go to the core of the issue and the core of the issue is not the child it's the parental unconscious so if I can help the parent discover how unconscious they are and shed light on

1:51 how messed up they are and then help them to evolve into their highest self and really raise the parent because all these parents haven't been raised well you know they were raised unconsciously so if I could help them raise themselves then we have a hope for them to not mess up their kids so much so you're like the parent whisperer well kind of parents are like dogs and you're teaching them right training them to like be the leader of the pack or

2:22 something right you're like let's just just to become conscious of how unconscious they are and this is serious you know the first few years of course of a kid's life that's it then you've a revocable e damage them that's it so if you can get the first ten years you know somewhat right oh and if I can help parents to somewhat course-correct after the first two years that they've already messed up then we have some hope you

2:47 know to create or to help create a future for their children that's whole and wholesome is there any parents at you that actually can do it right is there a way to do it right so your kids aren't messed up or we all messed up no matter how much love we receive how much attention we get or how much people care about us if our parents missed one game do we hold on to that as kids that like

3:10 they didn't care about us no matter how hard they tried well it's not about perfection and it's not about not messing up so that's not the point the point is to become curious about how the mess up teaches us how to become more evolved how to become more authentic every parent will mess up it's it's just an irrevocable truth of life you know how can you not so big we're here to discover how to become more conscious

3:39 the only way to discover how to become more conscious is to see the unconsciousness so what I really help parents do is penetrate their own consciousness and transform that into consciousness got it so it's not about avoiding unconsciousness it's about living your most authentic truth seeing the mess up and the chaos and walking on the landmines to then evolve right and you grew up in India and you moved here when you're 21 that's right early 20s

4:06 and what's the difference culture like from India I've been India but what's it like having parents what's yes the general theme of parenting there versus here in the US or in the North America well it's different on so many layers but it's becoming uniform because the Western model seems to have overtaken the world right got it so there's a Starbucks and McDonald's everywhere so so so with parenting and so with cultural ideations but I think if you go deeper the

4:37 differences are really about how the East looks at the self and how the West looks at the self and that's why my work integrates the eastern and the Western perspective because I grew up in the East which has such a different ideology around what the self is right influenced by Hinduism and Buddhism and then the West has this very iconoclastic individualistic doing achievement oriented ideation of the self and both have it their place but

5:09 they both need to be integrated to create the whole self so that's what I really try to do with my clients and in my work is yeah we need to do and we need to strive in a Western sort of way but if you're not going to underpin that with a deep philosophical Eastern understanding of impermanence and transience and acceptance and acceptance of the assets then you're going to screw it up so to do both is really to have

5:33 the Dove fly you know the DOS wire that prints now is it possible to raise kids without fighting with them without fighting with them yes well the fight you know we can fight with people without ostensibly fighting you know the battle doesn't have to be

6:03 physical yeah so what the real battle between a parent and child which is more insidious than a yell and a fight that's clear is the battle of egos is the battle of my way versus your way I'm right you're wrong I'm right you're wrong exactly and that's the the toxicity of this paradigm which I'm trying to shift because the traditional paradigm was I am greater than and the authority on the teacher you're the student absolutely and you are here to do do unto my

6:35 command and why did I have you if not that right oh I didn't have raised you to be to question me and to defy me no I only have had you of course I won't admit this to the world because I'm going to pretend like I'm here to raise a spirit but really the reason why I had you was just to follow me so I can finally feel full and complete because my parents never made me feel that but I'll have

6:59 you and you'll be my minion of sorts I won't admit this to anyone but you know I just forgot to wear protection and right right you're definitely gonna be my minion because I've made a mistake I didn't even think about it so now you've gotta mess up my life you better like do it my way and make me feel so good about myself so I can tell on my friends and and you need to be the

7:21 idealized version of everything I was never right that's why I'm yeah but that's that's that's what it is that's what the prevailing and pervasive parenting model is and this is the toxicity in our culture this is the mental illness because it's all separatist right so what we're seeing in the world today the separation between right wing and left wing or different cultures of different colors stems from this toxicity in the parent-child dynamic that's why I do the work I do

7:51 because this is the core you understand this is it this is where it starts where the parent tells the other you are not me I cannot learn from you you're separate from me you will follow me so what does that lead the child to do when the child goes out in the world the same attitude of dogmatism and separation authority and hierarchy right this is what's right this is what's wrong and I'm gonna take this belief into the

8:13 world right it's not oneness the parent and child are not one so what I try to do is shift the parent to understand that the child if anything is your teacher and not in a in a subservient way where you're giving up all charge because that's what parents you know they can't stand but it's truly to unionize the dynamic because when the child feels that they have come into this world with authority and sovereignty then they will honor the

8:38 authority and sovereignty of others right but if their authority is not tolerated why should they a'tall rate the authority of others right so this is where it starts mmm what's the the perfect approach to being a parent you've you just had a child home from the hospital or wherever you had the child from and the child is developing in its first few years how should you raise a child before it's able to verbally communicate how do you

9:05 raise a child to set yourself up and the child up for the best most harmonious relationship right well ideally since you're talking idealistically before you have a child okay let's hear it you need to a really think of your motivation to have a child because we don't think it through we think this is how a family should be and this is your drive on your checklist yes right especially for a woman well yeah I'm getting older I was gonna

9:33 do it now completely and I'll be scorned or looked at looked looked on as selfish especially a woman so she has a lot of pressure so she's already motivated by the wrong reasons or by the deluded reasons my fear right she's not motivated by the ultimate reason which if really she was motivated by she may not have a child the ultimate reason is can I be so evolved in my own self that I truly feel I can guide the spirit to

10:02 evolve into their true self so if she truly answered that honestly she would not have no charitable which wouldn't be a bad thing for a while what do you think applause that's the breather let the earth just breathe let the world gain consciousness awareness before and why why are we continuing to do it wrong we're all just doing it wrong why don't we just stick a pause it isn't a terrible idea get it right align yourself with consciousness and then

10:30 start again but no we're so ego eclis obsessed we're like no I have to have my kid because I have to leave my legacy of disease and mental illness I must believe my particular why not much the same thing in someone else mine is a special kind of understand I'm an expert at yeah you know so no I think ideally we should all take a pause for

11:01 generations become conscious human beings and then really mindfully think as a unity if the community is ready for another child you know this should not be an individualistic and enterprise anymore you know children growing up in nuclear families is also part of the disease you know you're putting so much pressure on too fragile if they're too one fragile human being it's too much strain you know we've lost the whole collectivist mentality of raising

11:32 children in a village you know Hillary Clinton got it right it does take a village and we've lost that so when you ask me what's different about eastern and western that's another way the East is different there is a more more communal orientation and the raising of a child it's more in a joint system it's more can consider yes yeah and then you come here to the West you know my girlfriend's in the East they are palled

11:56 at how much pressure I go have in the West I don't have any help my baby so my baby gets all my crap there's no hope this is that might be mediation from anyone to help right and other perspectives other perspectives no multitude of roles and influences and not only the illness passed on but the parent breaks under that so not only does the child suffer but the parent is truly suffering in the West because the

12:28 pressure is too much so much pressure yes there's no family around after leaving home whatever and then with the divorce rate I don't know what was about more than 50% now is it yes so imagine you know like the analogy that many people give is that you won't get on a plane right if there was a 50% chance of survival yes hell no yeah you should question you should question these institutions so I think my book and my

12:54 work is not about putting more pressure on parents it actually liberates parents to penetrate the deluded ideations we're living under you know the whole idea of success that we put on children it's diluted pressure the pressure to achieve it comes from fear and lack so when I teach parents that you're just operating out of fear and lack because you're not complete you want something to post on Facebook you need a medal because you never got it or you need to prove

13:22 to your parents that you're still a good person and you're using your children once parents get it in an epiphany then they release their children of it and now they have less anxiety when I teach them about the superficiality of grades and how grades are just a hair's breadth of the whole potential now I've released the parent from pressure now they can truly connect with who it is their child is otherwise parenting is all about pressure pressure pressure right so the

13:51 connection is coming undone and if the child is not connected to they grow up wandering the earth addicted and searching yeah so okay we first have in an ideal world we first ask yourself if we should have the baby right if we are aware cautious not but say right but say we've done the work and we're like all right I'm not perfect but I'm aware okay I've process a lot of my past hurts suffering I've been through I forgiven

14:23 everyone in my past and most importantly I've forgiven myself yes for all the things I've done and I'm aware I meditate I've got my routines I still get crazy every now and then but I'm pretty conscious right okay then I have a baby I decide to have the baby now what's the first two years like how how should I set up my life and structure this relationship with my child in their early stage yeah then you

14:48 prepare yourself to encounter one of the most profound relationships of your life where you will be tested at the most highest level of spiritual lessons ever which is now this being came from you but you'll be tested that it's not yours really what do you mean they come they came through you but it's not yours so you'll be tested in not possessing another being even though it's yours even though you created it but its own

15:20 it owns itself that's what you're saying you don't have ownership over it yes you barely created it too but say say it came through you and you did something yes you have to now release ownership ownership because now you have to pay homage to the fact that the is a being that actually you called into your life for you to grow from so you reverse everything so it's not growing from you you're growing from it right if

15:45 you want to do it the right way so let's say it's you're creating a being that is now going to be your greatest teacher yes you didn't create it though it's my language language because parents think they created it okay what's the right you call into your life call this being in your life and came from it came from your being okay would you let me create this being well because if you think you created it there's a problem there

16:12 you're not a parent so you don't see the side of crazy but you have to see I have two crazy parents think they created you and that's what they did all sorts of things to you they brainwashed you and they took over your life because they think they created you that's the problem and I'm trying to burst this ideology you didn't I tell friend no you didn't create anyone like if you created a being you should be curing cancer like

16:36 if you were that phenomenal you're not this is just the process of life you have birth being done to you and you call this being into your life as a way of saying that you had some ownership or some partnership with who you call because the minute the child doesn't turn out who they want they're like where did this child come from I'm like no you call this file to learn lessons every relationship in our life is called

16:56 for the higher and the more sacred purpose of evolving no more so profound as the one with your child so now but because it's an infant an infantile and dependent on you it activates the ego you see of the parent this is the spiritual test so as its activating the ego where you now get this you know unremitting love that you've never received before right this child looks at you with adoring game it's a trip for

17:24 the parent yeah it's a huge ego trip of course but this is the spiritual test that I challenge parents with like you're watching your ego rise but at the same time it's that you know like you can drive in New York you can drive anywhere here it's like your ego is gonna rise like never before and this is the place where you're tested to release the eagle mm-hmm right now when you learn the art of the

17:46 of the doing this is where the east and west come so beautifully in this journey together you have to do for the kid you have to do is to wake up if the feed you have to change your earn money if to pay for the baby it's a lot right so the doing is in full mode like never before yet the infant specifically at that age asks you to be with it in this silent nonverbal communicative pose

18:16 without doing and the being and these are the lessons of by spiritually conscious and awakened life right how do we do this podcast right now in the doing of it but yet we have to connect and we have to be and with to be present yeah right so this is what children teach us yes mommy and daddy do for me and protect me and send me to the greatest school but if you're not with me in the present moment then you've

18:40 missed the whole boat and that's when I'm gonna scream and get your attention and punch you and watch your training this is one of the greatest spiritual trainings we can ever have I can only imagine because with another adult if you're in a partnership with your spouse or your partner the ego doesn't roll with possession so you're not tested like that because your partner's already told you hey you don't really possess me yeah don't try yeah

19:04 you may try but you can't get away with it but with the infant the ego will roar right so this is the spiritual test which is the most profound and if you can pass it then you release it in all other areas of your life if you can do it with your kid and release your child and know that your child is a sovereign being and and you've participated in that and they've helped you become more

19:29 or sovereign being and you're just guiding each other a child and you can see that you're just guiding them nothing more assuring them then you release your ego and in most everything else well so in this way the the parent-child relationship becomes the spiritually regenerative relationship of your life the one where you awaken mmm that's what it should be it should be okay wide what is the role of fear and parenting because I feel like there's a

20:00 lot of fear wasn't omnipresent is it is the role greater than anything else why are parents so afraid because they enter it with lack and they enter it incomplete and now the child becomes the the bedpost for who it is they are so if the child messes up it's like now I'm really messed up like now I've lost all hope I mess up err my kids is so clear right so we're using the children to fulfill us

20:26 therefore the child there's a lot at stake here mmm it's not a joke and if they let them their parents down they let themselves down they don't achieve they let their parents down and then just acknowledge me I feel like the thing we long for the most at least as a grown child I thought we're all just kids is acknowledgement be seen for who which is you are not who it is I want you to be exactly the

20:51 reason I do my podcast sitting across from someone is because everyone else does shows seeing a side-by-side and you can get away from the eyes for me I want to connect and be present the different energies the different energy than just being next to someone to be talking like this and once in a while I'll pay attention to you but I'm gonna go back over here because it's more comfortable yeah but really seeing someone at present with someone I feel like is

21:15 challenging right if you show up to practice you have to be here fully three fully raw yeah and I remember feeling it you know as a kid like just never being seen you know I was the youngest of four I had two parents they were working three jobs like constantly trying to provide they probably shouldn't have had it you know plus they were like 19 what ever had to my first kid and I remember just like all I wanted was

21:36 acknowledgement and I remember I think a lot of kids feel that way it's like we just want knowledge man just want to be seen it's probably why we do a lot of things as adults so even the parent who's taking care like you were clothed than fat so the parent is thinking I've done my job right but it's not about the doing that's what every kid will tell you I don't care that you have the fanciest fanciest schools yeah and you

22:01 at a yacht sure what you want you wanted yeah because ultimately all I wanted was to know that I was being seen for who it is I am not to fit into your agenda and your image of a good life and we use our children you know to fit into RIT so they never get seen to look good on our Instagram page - so then what about our friends exactly so now they're gonna have kids because they need to be seen

22:26 you see this is why we keep having kids in the unconscious way waiting to be seen human race right now no more babies no well well babies but babies you know it's the most sacred thing you can do so better think about it not creating life for calling life yes through you yes and it's not it's not a joke you know you can't take it lightly I'm not yeah I'm not try to make a joke

22:57 just trying to make sure I don't say create are not creating I mean it's the most sacred thing in the world is bringing your wife in the world right yes yeah we take it for granted I think sometimes I mean my my best friends just had a baby two weeks ago and it was I was one of the first people to to see his daughter and in the hospital I was just moved to tears by the by the

23:17 calling forth of this being yeah and he was so powerful and yet I was also like worried for him at the same time I was like I ought to make sure you guys are set up in a conscious way yes for everything moving forward yes and so I think you people need to be cautious about this because and you also open yourself up to the magnificence of this unknown thing called the universe mm-hm and you put your hands and you

23:42 surrendered to this this force and to recognize that you are partnering with a force right then it creates humility in you so you're not this overarching ruler and yes monarch over your child no you didn't create this er it's coming through with this force energy so commune with that force and they are much to it in every age and stage of your child's life yeah yeah if you're a parent what's the ideal thing that you should think of first thing you wake up

24:11 in the morning in regards to the relationship you want to have or the way of being you want to be with that child or children is there something you should think about a process an awareness whether it be first thing in the morning or throughout the day or whenever but what's the thing every single day that a parent should ask themselves and be aware of I think the question they could ask themselves is am i connected to myself today am I feeling

24:35 whole today where are my missing pieces today because whatever's missing within us within ten minutes of our child waking up we're gonna dump it on them Wow yeah every time I see something wrong in what my child is doing it's because I'm feeling wronged in my own life or that I'm not good enough so when I'm not feeling good enough I see everything wrong in my child but I'm coming from a superfluous sense of you know

25:00 gratitude and wellness suddenly they can do no wrong right it's projection yeah same thing with relationships relationships insecure about what we're creating we're putting that on someone else and this parent-child relationship there's no break you know for the first seven eight ten years you mean a baby can't just to saying this too often just beyond song just give an apartment not entirely so so you know it's like such a deep marriage like with your partner's you

25:27 can take a break you can yes have a cigarette whenever you want go for a glass of wine no such thing with the child you're just you're there you're fully there so how do we remove the ego as a parent and say okay baby crying screaming all day long or whatever not doing what I wanted to do how do we remove that you go and come from this place of like love and it's so challenging with all the pressures that

25:55 you're facing from your family or your parents or the grandparents opinions yes yes husband are so far the way I define ego is not simply a narcissistic desire to empower to power over the way I define the ego is that when we were young we weren't seen for who as we are correct so as a result of that we had to survive now in order to survive we had to contort and distort and pretz-elle ourselves into a version into a version

26:24 of who our parents wanted us to be with the food just to fit in yeah just like survive please feed me take care of me like I don't matter we all get exactly gosh it's the worst correct correct well scream of me yes what have I done right myself yeah I just spilled milk so the the nucleus the core of the authentic self is now being denied increasingly in Vince invisible so it needs an invincible shield to protect

26:50 because there's now it's like disintegrating there's nothing inside so it creates this false self and I call the false self the ego the ego was created to survive but eventually will create suffocation so we need to kill the ego now how do we kill the ego we first have to accept that it exists recognize each time it comes up love it for the service it's provided because it kept us surviving but now we need to understand that it's call came from fear

27:20 it was created because I was scared of being yelled at right so I created some badass rebellion or I created some whimpering obedience whatever I created was false it was created out of fear so now and my child screams and I go back into that fear and then I developed my ego whatever the ego is either I become to genuflecting toward my child and subservient and indulgent or become badass rebellion thinking my child is my parent but it isn't I'm like acting an

27:46 ego I'm acting in false self so to recognize in those moments when it comes up and then to penetrate it it takes a lot of introspection you need the help of someone at first to do this yeah because you don't even know you see the ego is your second skin you don't even know you're walking around with it so it takes someone from the outside to go you're in fear that's your ego that's a mask you're protecting something in you

28:06 it's not the truth and as you release the ego only through accepting the ego you understand if the counterintuitive you can't bring a world yeah yeah you can't just kill it then you emerge into your true self of connectivity and lack of fear and this is why children will teach us who to be how to be who it is we are by showing us our ego every moment you're really seeing your ego as a parent if you're

28:30 willing to see it yeah yeah no it's fascinating you say this because not to go to off track put up my new book is called the mask of masculinity throughout the the mass that men wear that we're not even aware of that all of us back from having all loving relation and it starts when parents tell their boys right cry or you don't be a girl don't be girly don't be a don't be whatever it is you begin to disconnect

28:53 from your feelings or maths right and your authentic self gets hidden yeah you're like yeah and then it carries off through relationships through parenting through all these things yeah and then your your your the women in your life or other relationships tell you but you have to feel and you're like feel I start feeling a long time ago and then when you're in sports it's even worse yeah yeah and you have to be a certain way

29:15 then it's prescribed but for women it's prescribed to we have to be you know now it is even more pressure for women yes absolutely great in the workforce be great and that would be a great mother be always look hot you know all these things yeah pressures of both men and women and both now self-perpetuate right now it's self-perpetuating it's not even that the man is telling the woman any such thing the woman is doing it to herself and the

29:41 man or the woman now it's all inculcated it survived why why do women put so much patience because it's something that we've been trained to be good girls and we've been trained to be obedient so whatever culture says is the way we're going to be obedient to the way oh now you want me to be a badass you know entrepreneur I'll be that or you want me to be skinny I'll be that oh you want me

30:04 to big moves out I'll do that we're just trained to be obsequious subservient with such good girls that's what needs to break in us that's what we need to teach our girls you're bad girl well not to be a bad girl or just think question pause you know have your own sovereign right and mothers need to allow their daughters to do that and fathers do but we mothers raising our daughters need to be the example where

30:31 we question everything you know so I have a daughter and I try to raise her to question everything merit sexuality everything what is beauty who is ten who is fat really do you really think you need to get a career what kind of career everything so at least she now doesn't just dogmatically believe she has to be obedient just cuz you believed it or culture says oh this man will tell you you know you're not skinny enough for

30:59 the man will tell you go cook for me no in everything pause and question how was your daughter 14 [Music] and I can see and I have to teach her about who men are and who boys are and I feel bad cause it's kind of bad stuff I have to tell her that the boy she's with may not know how to feel and she'll be all in our feeling heart and thinking she's in her heart and taking their in

31:26 their heart because they're trying to get something and I have to teach her about that the double agenda and who these boys are and feel compassion for them because they are trained to disconnect and then she's a girl looking to connect so actually boy and girl should not meet for a long time for a long time till the man evolves her younger man who's evolved like I've got a nephew who's entertaining at 12 or 13

31:56 I never know they're so fast but he is like the most intelligent sensitive loving like giving I'm just like who are you but I do believe there's a new way you use like yeah it's unbelievable like his level of spirituality yes yeah awareness yes and feeling an empathy just like the ultimate boy I think there's a new wave of consciousness coming yeah but it's slow and but but it is coming because parents are waking up now to a new way of being so if we wake

32:28 up we'll do right by our boys and girls right mm-hmm Wow what do you think the toughest age for parents to be able to be graceful and remove the ego of their kids yeah I think it is the teenagers because the while before you could still get away with being a monarch when you're a parent of a teenager now it becomes clear now yeah now your time is up so now you have to deeply sit with who it

32:56 is you are oh right without the identity of someone needing you like your child is now barefaced and bold-faced telling you I am entering my own right and might now you better figure out what your life is because I may not need you anymore and I don't want to need you and you need to release me repents don't want to release why is that it's like suffocating I don't know for me so I've been celebrating ever since my daughter

33:19 began you know becoming autonomous I'm like sweet got the cord over here the scissor so ready because I'm I want her to lunch but parents don't want that because they are tied up in the identity of being needed they've so invested in the identity of being a parent that they've forgotten who it is they are another egoic mask Wow parenting becomes another mask you see mm-hmm it's a mask yes it's a way to avoid who it is you

33:44 truly are and I keep teaching parents that if you don't go back to who it is you are you would raise your child to have a false self being blown right now what's the greatest lesson then you've faced in the last 14 years parenting just the the like a personal yeah no for sure for sure that's why I write the books I do I write them really for you know to talk to myself right yeah to

34:07 embed my own teachings I've opened the book and I go let me learn something because I think just the humility I've had at my own unconscious and I've been meditating since I was 22 years old you know and that was only five years ago I know but it's it's been my life's mission and yet the force and vigor of this unconsciousness is so profound and it's my daily challenge but I rise to it you know I'm excited by it I'm not

34:36 ashamed when I see my own consciousness I'm ready for it I'm not narcissistic to believe oh I'm above it it's there every day I becomes high-pitch I become shrill I interfere almost every day right because each time I'm afraid she's too entitled each time I'm afraid she's too lazy to disorganize right the plethora of fears are endless i interfere so then I watch it and then I have to release it so each day I do and I'm just humbled by

35:03 it by how much there is to do so much work what do you think is the greatest lesson you still have yet to learned by being a parent I think the absolute complete trust in their destiny like I have it but I lose it I forget your question when push comes to shove and I see she's about to say yes to a boy to go out on a little date and I'm like I'm

35:33 like no don't learn that lesson on my time you know learning like take it from me so while I say I want her to learn Herrmann lessons then I also want to bypass them it's hard it's hard to see your child potentially go through pain what don't we need to go through that that's in order to learn we've got to fail over and over you just hit it there's no way you pain this is it there's nothing to take on anything

35:59 in the world when they're an adult if they don't experience in my vein extremes this is the greatest lesson for parents to let your child be rejected let your child get the C grade let your child come last in the race and don't fix it don't fix it I'm so glad I was messed up as a kid I know look how great you because no really like you know it was the most challenging times yeah right it was so scary and uncertain and

36:28 there was many moments where I was like why am I even here I would say this when I get in trouble I'm like I don't think I should be alive because I just didn't feel like accepted by anyone and I feel like the trauma and the suffering and I listen I'm a white male in America so it's like people I already hear people saying white male privilege like you have nothing to complain about we all have an inner world that we face that

36:49 with our own demons no matter how good it may look on the outer world we all have an inner world that is a challenge to overcome and I just faced a big inner world demons in the inner world was just like I just believe that I had to go through it what do you think allowed you to convert the pain into power Oh being aware and forgiveness like ultimately forgiving all the things that happened yeah to me for me whatever you want to

37:17 call it and then letting in a figure in myself because I was holding on us so much like resentment and shame and guilt all these things for myself an anchor for everything you know whatever every experience that built up just feeling like I hate the world or whatever you know so letting it go and actually coming from a place of gratitude and being like wow if that didn't happen I wouldn't have learned this yeah and I

37:40 wanted have been so driven or one of them so compassionate towards other people who have gone through similar things and I want to be so loving or understanding now this and I mess up all the time and I'm constantly like my egos being attacked all the time but I feel like I'm very aware and grateful for everything that's amazing you know how messed up my parents were like yeah everything I'm so glad you didn't go under you came you went

38:05 through and came out I could have easily gone you know I think it's just having like the awareness and enough to be like okay I need support I need help I need like yeah to do the work for years and start to like oh these things I keep doing the work for some reason you entered this life contract with them that somewhere you said to your own destiny you know kill my ego right away don't give me any false sense of comfort

38:34 like show me the unconsciousness in the world right away I'm ready yeah because you were obviously ready but let me tell you there's no family do you understand no no human being that did not have an unconscious parent and some work to some degree they had no choice your parents they were conditioned to do they were conditioned the the the illness was passed on as a legacy from their parents and generations passed and culture culture sick cultures diseased in many

39:04 ways and we're seeping our children's minds with you know separation fear lack the need to keep on doing versus abundance presence quiet gratitude you are already complete right anything extra you do great to pay your rent and buy some makeup but you don't have to use it to define who it is you are but perversely today all the doing is to define who it is you are and they're two contradicting things you cannot define

39:34 who it is you are by doing the who you are is beyond doing you see it's formless it's your essence it's your divinity so it runs counter so all these books on resilience and teaching a children to achieve and to have you know power and imply through life it's running counter to who it is they are if our children came knowing who it is they are we're taking them out of it into the doing state of the mind which is disconnected

40:00 from who it as they are we need to keep our kids who it they are the rest will follow how do we keep them whoo well that that's it that the preservation of that is the Mandate of a conscious parent because when you you know treat your hood as you are with honor because you found it you won't mess with anyone elses which as they are if you like I am not messing with who it is you are my daughter you know is

40:28 contrary to my idea of you know who a child should be but it's who it is who it is she is how do you accept her so it's it's my struggle writers have to let go my ego but it's what I know driven woman but I know that I have to I must and she is different because I I'm ready for this because why should she be the same of my fantasy she is who they come driven purposeful destined knowing

40:53 who it is they are we take them out of it and then they have to return back to it we make them wrong for who they are and their whole life going back to oh you're not gay yeah you're straight no you're you're Christian you're not this you believe in this you don't believe in that absolutely not only do we change who it is they are temperamentally like why you so bad why you so clumsy like their

41:13 nature right they just who they're just children we then contaminate their mind with how to think tell them who God is what love is who to love how to love how to be now we've taken them way of course because we're giving them a prescription instead of them evolving into those things on their own discoveries discovering it on their own now undo that you know did you sort sorry I mean I feel like I've always questioned

41:40 things though right you know so I'm glad you're saying this because I feel like I've always been like no I'm not gonna be the guy that drinks alcohol just cuz all the other football guys are drinking I was like no that doesn't serve me well no I'm not gonna do this I'm gonna do this other thing like everyone's bullying someone else like let's go hang out with other people and give people up like I don't need to do that

41:59 always question even though it's the extent of me being alone like I was alone yeah there was a price to pay for it massive price of isolation yeah but I think it's the reason why I still do this show because I'm constantly seeking what's a different belief what's another angle what something maybe that doesn't fully support me right now that I can shift a little bit that would support me it's a constant learning process that's why I

42:24 call all my work the deconstructive process right you have to deconstruct in no greater journey than parenting because now you're responsible for providing the template for another human being you better get your stuff right yeah I don't pretend you know something because you haven't you don't know it you've just been digesting somebody else's belief system have you deconstructed what is God who is God what is religion what is marriage what is sexuality what is empowerment which is power what

42:50 is beauty have you really deconstructed right so in all my workshops I teach parents how to deconstruct because be careful what you put into that first foundational layer of your child's mind it's very hard to undo or don't do right and don't give it don't make it the child's burden to undo your perversions oh sorry I didn't know you know now I know and the kid is like yeah but now I'm 40 years old suffering because you

43:12 told me what was good and what was bad now you're telling me oh there isn't any good or bad because you've been following conscious parenting too late for me right so a lot mistakes I've made I've been shaming myself or they were worse it's like if you don't follow the beliefs and I know I believe in Indian culture it's like you're out of the family essentially from what I understand my indifference if you don't follow like what the quality you don't

43:35 marry the person or whatever it is there's a strong patriarchy you're not in the family not if you're wrong you're dead to us and the shame and the guilt that kids must go through you feel like okay I just have to do this otherwise and it's unspoken you don't have to speak it in families it's a conditioned it's in the air you breathe that's funny then because this Eastern philosophy of a consciousness it sounds like it's lacking then if that's the way

44:02 it lacks a lot it's like the worst Oh boss no no well there is no worse or better that's right I'm talking about the core of an Eastern mindset doesn't mean it's being manifested right true people who do the work yeah just because you're Indian or Chinese doesn't mean you're automatically a consummate you know understand of Buddhism right you're not or the the real teachings of the Mystics no no that's just it just came from yeah but now no one's following it oh

44:33 absolutely not and my culture is famous of you know for patriarchy hierarchy dominance in the name of tradition or they will oust you and outcast you in a minute yeah so - Amy no so children don't shame their parents so they follow the follow the way yeah that's why I had to never become themselves what I never they mean these absolutes but it's harder to they don't look for themselves there's there's no question that the self knows right when they're born or

44:59 few years in that the self belongs to the parents idea so they willingly give it up I couldn't that's why I had to leave I could not for my parents but for the culture it's a cultural thing yeah do you feel like your parents were supportive of you or why did you get into this work in the first place no they were very supportive for me but I was sickened by what I saw around me but

45:19 within limits because they were indoctrinated in that culture too but they were still better than most that's good but the culture is what the culture is it's a deadly culture it's everywhere yeah so but the Indian because it's the we culture it's already communal right which is beautiful if it was done right but it's done only for the sake of the ego of the we know it's not the ego of the eyes we go of all of us so you don't

45:42 disappoint one parent you disappoint the whole village yes the pressure just so they didn't do community in the beauty of the way community used to be done right we're doing it or kids teenagers would have babies when they're like sixteen eighteen right but there was like a hundred family members raising yes so wasn't that was a good part but it was negative part if it was done with the ego of all then it's the ego of all

46:11 so more pressure I do you're ruining the family name and the ancestral legacy you know and it's suffocating and and it works so kids who are willing to give up them their selves but for a kid like you and and I know it will not work it'll kill us so we must leave then we'll be alone then we have to find ourselves you know this is an incredible journey yeah what's the question that most parents have that they have the hardest

46:39 challenge of answering for themselves well my kid be okay right just the okayness they suffer from this fear because they live with a morbid and pervasive sense of not okayness everyday of a parent's life if they haven't done the work of consciousness they're walking volcanoes of anxiety is that how you feel as a parent well I've done a lot of works I've released so much anxiety right I'm ready to die like I could go out right

47:07 now and die it's okay I've been working on that Wow so if I'm you know I'm ready every day every day was complete what if happened something happens to your child have you yes absolutely I have to live with otherwise you're living in anxiety and stress all day you live in anxiety and stress when you think you can control death when you understand that death is not in your control therefore you live fully and release when that comes then

47:32 you don't live in anxiety and fear you live in anxiety and fear because you have this narcissistic grand grandiose delusion that you can control death and you haven't become one you haven't made friends with that when you make friends with the ultimate which is death then you live fully in the moment and when your child's destiny is ready to be complete in this life form who once you already understand Who am I in this like I'm just a speck when your child got you

47:57 know does end life form you release her or him because we're only here to inhabit life form for a blink yeah anyway so this idea of permanence is a delusion this idea of doing to create identity a delusion this idea of possessions being ours children being ours delusion so when you penetrate these delusions you haven't not know anxiety blessings that you're freeing yourself right right now someone came

48:29 and told you though God came and told you you're gonna die right now oh right how ready are you to go come go I feel like I mean I don't want to die right now cuz I feel like I haven't done everything I want to do but I feel like I've attacked life fully and gone after everything that could up in this moment like without regrets of like I wish out of tried that I wish I'd have gone after

48:51 that with the with the resources you had you lived fully right now everyone will see I haven't yet done 10,000 things because this is the nature of life you will never be that you will never ever be done so instead of having that as your reason to move forward you just have either way I look at it is with the resources I had did I try to live us fully and now that's it because there'll always be more there's always

49:17 more yeah I know so I feel I mean I feel okay I feel like if I was like what I regret being dead right now that I didn't do something now see that's it so you're living your life each day asking am i living as complete as I can possibly and again not to measure it in what did I not do but how am I being right changing the question to not a doing question - I am I fully being

49:40 myself mm-hmm yeah and so that's how you became close or okay with death by kind of asking yourself this process or going through the process well just understanding the nature of life that it's impermanent so to cling on to anything is to suffer so if I want to suffer I keep clinging if I want to stop suffering I stopped bringing when did you what's the area of your life you suffer the most that I have suffered the most I think just

50:10 trying to Nick for meat on a very asking me personally yeah for you the battle for me is living in this life form knowing that it's such you know it's a game so how to play this game with playfulness and elegance and I really don't take it very seriously yeah but everyone else does right so how to negotiate that you know and I don't I don't really know less and let's take it

50:41 seriously yeah so negotiating the form-based attachments that everyone has with my understanding that this is all formulas over know it yeah and just like juxtaposing that mm-hmm you know trying to take it seriously what about an area in your life that you suffered the most whether it be to childhood or through early 20s was there a moment or over the stage of years or that you were suffering you can remember when I didn't suffer much that's good I

51:11 entered this with a little bit of joy yes I know most people enter like a relationship that you know I would I did psychology I did my PhD you have to write papers on how did I suffer I've like what no but then I had some some negative things I'm like hallelujah to you that uncle who tried to feel me out like I had pretty wholesome parents correct I still had society around me so my suffering came

51:40 from being a girl in in Indian culture and having unconscious men all around me and having to deal with that it's very hard yeah hard because I'm women are supposed to be a certain way in in yes yes and men you know are aggressive and unconscious and repressed so growing up as a girl and then grew up to be a teenager I could never fully be in my body or own my sexuality because if I

52:10 was too much then the onslaught and the payback of that was too much sighs to hide so I put on weight I hid oh I was like let me just yeah just like dumb myself dim myself yeah not be seen and then I just waited to leave and the minute I could leave and then I began like on dimming and uncoming me but I domed and dimmed a lot Wow yeah you have to do that to survive that's the ego

52:38 it's crazy okay a few questions left for you cuz I know you gotta run them but I'm fascinated here how can a man be the best parent that he can be yes we've talked a lot about I think you know your experience as a female but how can a man raises a son a daughter with the pressure that men feel which you're different yes very different not more or less but just like yes yes anyway in many ways

53:08 men are absolved from the intensity of that bond and they lose because of that they lose because the man is in the doing therefore in the head therefore in the disconnection or in there in the penis so head of eNOS but this is the heart here yeah it's like so the heart needs to be awakened oh and if not though the partner which is usually not the case right the partner is often

53:38 bypassed it's hard for a man to truly surrender to their partner but a child has the potential to allow them to bypass that circuitry and into the heart Wow but many men are missing that opportunity because for the first 10 years typically of a family's life they're out there they're working they have to pay for tuition the woman is staying at home the way it's set up culturally is that the woman stays at home so she's losing out from the doing

54:02 in the achieving that she needs and the man is divested of the connection and the quietude that he needs and so it's impossible and the first 10 years are really that the the years to allow for that embedding to occur between parent and father and child they lose that so the father is just like oh I'll just play baseball but that's a doing well I'll just wait till he can hike with me that's a doing the real essence of of

54:24 childhood is that from 0 to 6 where the child is not a doer yet the child is a beer and invites us all to be in the present moment and if you lose the first six years of entering and being invited into the child's being world like if you're with the child zero to six it's a trip just like nothing else because no one lives in the present moment like a child like I remember the Epiphany I had

54:46 because I would keep like wanting my child to get to bed or my infant my two-year-old or you know brush that either doing do it and then it hit me oh my god everything I practice in meditation is right here in front of me like slow the hell down have no agenda there is no time and we are nonverbal we're fully present that's when I realized I am learning all the lessons I'm reading about or meditating about

55:15 here in this relationship so therefore this child is my teacher that's when the epiphany came when I realized all I wanted was to do to my child come on go let's go to the park let's rock this good music Travie let's learn let's learn ABCs that's a good choir just wanted to make I was making my child my next PhD my my my project I was doing I was very masculine most earnest we're masculine we have to enter the

55:38 feminine into the heart with a zero to six button very few parents including mothers are capitalizing on this spiritual jewel that's the zero to six because it's it's painful to have you have to slow beyond slow you have to wake and to be so full and here and there's no payback really because they're not giving you much nothing they're just giving you love but but they're not like intellectually stimulating you they're not yet winning medals it's not yet winning the spelling

56:08 bee so you're like oh and you're not like doing anything for my ego why am I here oh I'm here we just have to just be here like I have to just enter the present moment zero to six is the most profound spiritual transformation you can go through with a child and we're all missing it we're all missing it I I almost missed it okay next time you're back in LA we're gonna have to dive in

56:32 deeper on this topic because I could go on for this for a long time but I want to ask the final couple questions to be respectful of time this is called the three truths so imagine you jumped off this building right now and it was your last moment and all your work has been erased everything all the books knowing this video this interview is given even consciousness they're cautious it's all gone it didn't exist yeah I did so but

57:05 you had a piece of paper right here I'm gonna give you a piece of paper and you get to write down three lessons that you know to be true from all your experience in life the three truths that this is the only thing that people could live and be remembered by in your message write it down you jump off if it's over but what would those three truths be okay if it was the last day for you okay

57:27 the first one is that life is never over life keeps transforming just this form is over the second one is that all life attachments in form are an illusion all these attachments you're holding onto our an illusion they will never take you to who you it is you are and the third one would be that the only moment and thing an entity and relationship of relevance is the one you

57:58 have with yourself in the now so you can erase everything it really doesn't matter where you go I like that good because it's never over yes if it's and to come back it'll come back in another consciousness it was only form everything is really formless so just because it's my book in form it was taken from formless energy anyway and the only moment is now so if it was you're talking about yesterday or the moment before I only care about this

58:22 moment yeah yeah before I ask the final question I'll make sure you guys get the new book it's called the awakened family by dr. Shefali make sure you guys could pick it up where can people connect with you on your website or online and you also have an event coming up to talk about that yes so they can connect to me on my website dr. Shefali calm and come to my event in Long Beach California in

58:48 a month in September where I help everyone children of parents adults children of parents and parents to deconstruct all that I've been talking about and learn how to awaken to their truest selves the event is called evolve the conscious way and it's a three-day sojourn and adventure into the awakened heart go to my website there's and kids know it's for adult children adult children like you know suffering the damage of their unconscious parents and needing to heal and for parents wanting

59:19 tools to change their relationships from fear to connection so it's three days Long Beach California I also added a day of meditation on the 18th so the main weekend is 15 to the 17th of September and additional day of meditation dr. Shefali calm yeah information yeah awesome why highly recommend checking that out I'm sure it's gonna be amazing before I ask the final question on acknowledge you for a moment dr. Shefali for being so loving for being so giving

59:51 and for being a vessel to share such wealth of information with all of us because there's so much suffering in the world as you know and there's so much confusion of how to be a human being and how to fully accept who we are there's so much disconnect and you know in American society and culture right now with different views beliefs everything so I believe your message is so powerful for all humans to to rise and who we're being and how it

60:22 can just be better in general and really help us connect a human race one family one race one everything so I acknowledge you for the work you're doing and for your surrender to life and death and for just being you thank you yeah I really appreciate you and I have one final question that's what's your definition of greatness authenticity daring to live your truth dr. Shefali thank you so much

60:52 we should appreciate it you