Ask Alvin Anything (Part 1!)

0:00 [Music] welcome to this very special episode of your parenting Mojo I'm kareim and I'm Iris and we are your guest hosts for today's podcast and I was about to joke that I'm actually Jen and just have this like a disguise or something but so um in early November Jen sent um

0:33 the members and I think all of uh the your parenting moju listeners and she said that um your parenting Mojo reach a special Milestone and that Milestone is Jen has created or have created over 200 episode like isn't that amazing Karine it's just like wo 200 plus and to celebrate this Milestone uh Jen and her husband Alvin have thought of a fun way for

1:04 podcast listeners and parenting group members to be involved and that is asking very different questions than what we might normally ask and so we get to ask Alvin anything we like but just to clarify this is not these kinds of questions are not like what's the square root of four to a million of places or is there life after that not those kinds of questions but he doesn't know the answer to those questions anyway maybe so Ken what can the

1:38 listeners expect from from this podcast so today during this ask Alvin anything episode you the listeners will get to learn more about Alvin and at the same time learn more about Jen and their life beyond your parenting Mojo So we hope this will be a fun and honest conversation Iris and I will both be asking question wait there's a beyond your parenting Mojo Beyond there's a Beyond uh we think we're gonna find out

2:09 uh but Jen Jen will also be part of the conversation she's here today but she gets to take a break from hosting and many of the questions came from listeners so we'll hear some of those recorded questions throughout the episode today and Iris before we begin should we introduce ourselves oh that's right so um I'm Aris and based in Vancouver Canada but I'm original originally from the pilippines so that's

2:42 my Filipino accent right you know about there so I'm a mama of an almost nine-year-old um daughter who's affectionate smart and feisty and you know um and I've been following Jen's work for over five years now I think and um and I've been a member of the your parenting Mojo for about that time as well and um membership membership yeah yeah and Jen taming your trigger Workshop has had a great impact on me

3:13 and I feel really privileged to to have been a peer coach in in some of the workshop um in the past year so um one thing very exciting that happened in September is that I had the opportunity to meet Jen and her family as part of um Jen's uh book tour here in Vancouver and so it was so delightful and yet a little bit surreal because you know this person I always see online and listen to her in

3:46 in my ear for well like when I'm washing the dishes but here she is in front of me or beside me or something like that so it was kind of surreal that way and yeah it was a real pleasure for me to meet Jen and and Alvin and Caris was just wonderful and um yeah um I'm so excited for for what's going to happen I will say that I I know I know Iris not through anything except for

4:13 editing like testimonial videos and the occasional like I don't know call that I interrupt but I must say that people need to get to know Iris in person oh because the iris in person that I know and met is exponentially I mean not to take away from your video persona but but your actual Persona is like incredible oh thank awesome you yeah thanks Alvin I think

4:44 you're saying that so that we will go easy on you maybeor motives and Karine how about you yes H I'm Karine I'm a mama of a 2-year-old and I live in Portland Oregon with my family and I found your parenting Mojo through Courtney D of Beach Street parenting she's a local playgroup leader and it's an awesome little Community we have here um I just I'm so grateful for it and also grateful

5:16 that I find resources like parent your parenting Mojo uh through that same group uh and I recently attended one of Jen's workshops uh during the book tour here in Portland and I got to chat with Alvin uh which was really really nice and uh I actually gleaned some good parenting insights from Alvin in our brief chat it bleeds over I really did I was like I gotta tell my husband I just feel

5:46 like you had some great thoughts and so I'm excited for today's conversation because we'll get to hear a lot more I think it's um this is a very good place to start um your love story with Jen but I will set this up Alvin so that um you know it's it's in a not your usual story so for a moment imagine that I'm a film producer and you're a script writer and you want to give me the the busy film

6:19 producer an Elevate elevator pitch of the Jen Alvin love story so what would that elevator pitch sound like yeah yeah that's definitely inappropriate workplace relationship and that's definitely she went after me okay it was not the role reversal um so yeah we work we met in an ad agency um that's a whole another story but I'll try to keep it elevator pitchy succinct oh yeah

6:50 elevator pitch um yeah inappropriate work workplace um yeah yeah we used so we used to both working what's that she asked you out yeah uh so I don't know how to tell that I'm trying to figure out how to tell this as succinctly as possible but how old were we a while ago um well be BC before Caris um we both used to work for an ad

7:20 agency it was at a time when I sort of pingpong between coasts between New York and California and I had come back after the do bust and got roped back into advertising um let's restart the elevator pitch is what gets me I think hiker Mar's biker I think I think uh inappropriate workplace relationship and then I think when we in when we used to meet new people as a

7:52 couple she would introduce me as she would introduce herself before your parenting or Joe as someone who saves the world and I sell people that they don't need and that's how like at the holiday parties that's like hey I'm Alvin yeah well it was true yeah um but yeah so to answer your question um I'd say inappropriate workplace relationship um where she actually went

8:24 after me wasn't the traditional you know patriarchal patriarch movie script anyway yeah you could edit that or keep that in or whatever um but I used to be a middle middle manager sub middle manager person I was it was probably you know I was young um we were both young but uh she was like when I met her I didn't know if she was 18 or

8:55 21 or like Le like I had no idea she used to work for the general manager of the entire Ad Agency uh who was basically my boss's boss okay and the boss's boss of boss is boss of like everyone else um she had a little Fruit Stand like in her cubicle which was also kind of bizarre like I'd never seen anyone eat so much fruit uh and she used to come into work with like basically a hiking

9:27 backpack and like so I didn't know if she was coming from high school or what like or if she was an intern or like I had no idea all I know is she was like a witty kind of British person who worked for basically the president of the company and I occasionally saw the president of the company when my boss asked me to get anything coordinated get resources any high level stuff that she needed my help

9:56 with um and when I would she was basically the gateway to the high-powered person and that's how we sort of got to know each other and I think part of that story is also the time we met I was a little bit I had taken some time off after 911 and now this is a result to her I actually can grow my hair long but she prefers it clean shave it it's cheap and it's it saves a lot of money which is

10:26 helpful given the last several years of growing your parenting Mojo but when I we met I had I don't know if this is culturally appropriate but I looked like a Japanese rock star with long bleached hair and long sideburns we'll try and find a picture to put on the episode oh yes yeah kind of like a japanimation character right um and she was not into party animals but I wasn't a party animal I just like one kind of was

10:56 finding myself during this transitionary phase is but then my boss who's another lovely person who I think Iris Would love to meet this woman carolene very cmatic um Bas she it's a she likes to tell a different story barene saw a lot of potential in me and was wondering what was up with my hair and I was like you know I just told her what what was up and she kind of suggested that if I wanted to move up in the company that

11:27 maybe I could present myself in a different way um haren's a straight shooter I love her and I'm like I don't care whatever I tried to get out of advertising I'm here this is the least elevator pitch I've ever heard anyways I shaved my head and all of a sudden on her side it was on ah okay and and the and the funny thing was after a couple of cross you know meetings in the hallways um

11:59 I feel like she made a what I thought was like a very curious comment uh when she came by my my office cubicle thing where I wasn't sure like I was thinking to myself what what was that interaction so I quickly which I often do I go off of my gut versus my brain and I just open up an email window and email her really quickly something like like what is up like basically she was giving me

12:29 attitude and I didn't know where it was coming from so I emailed her I'm like dude what's up she replies back something like I don't know maybe it's because I I think you're funny maybe I think it's blah blah blah or maybe it's because I think you're cute I'm like whoa did she just email me that and again I didn't think I just thought this would be that's interesting I'm gonna be super funny and give her a heart attack

12:54 right back and I just went I'm reporting you to HR send that's and then I let her sweat it for a little for probably 45 seconds and I think I either went over to our cubicle or said just kidding or something and that became the least productive day probably office like you know known to mankind and before I know it I I was in denial the whole time before I know it we're we're plan making plans to meet up

13:24 after work she asked me to go on a hike and I'm thinking I must have been I don't know how old it is but I was thinking like okay we're going to go for a casual walk go get a coffee or something and she forgetting that her backpack and her hiking boots when she goes to work and she's like okay I'll pick you up at like seven or six or 5 in the morning I'm like what who is this

13:45 person I was thinking more like noon um but it was like the longest first non datee that I could think of I made her watch braveart though she's um but yeah yeah so that was that was the beginning of the end okay wait so you went on a hike and watched rapart in one oh man and went out for Indian food which I paid for by the way that's a whole another thing I was so tired from the hike it was like a

14:15 n six or nine mile hike in point Ray six miles with like 600 feet of climbing like nine miles nothing it was a long day yeah and we went out for Indian food somehow and all right so this is for I mean people listening you realize they have like 50 other questions right I know for people listening see I mean everyone's probably for those of you who are single parents and and parenting whatever looking for a partner Jen's way

14:42 of guaranteeing a second date is to steal the check and to pay for it so that then I feel compelled to ask her on a second date and that's what happened yeah well Jen I think that's a very good strategy and like woman power yeah [Laughter] right Alvin um that elevator pitch the building must be very very tall but well the film producer is is still um listening And the tagline under the

15:13 title of the movie will be like something like um biker Mary's hiker or something like that biker Mary's biker that was a theme to her wedding yeah I was a big biker and she's a hiker yeah um so Alvin I'm I'm curious so you mention a um some qualities of Jen that you know made her um like you know made you curious about her what um other qualities of Jen that really Drew you to

15:45 her care I know no I think I don't know if was Courtney or some other friends of ours um I think we're attracted to each other we're very different I think I guess is what I'm trying to say in many ways we're in many ways we're very different but in many ways we're also very the same and it's interesting over time um we sort of converg in a way that I never would have anticipated um if that makes any sense I

16:17 can elaborate on that but I think I saw I've always seen someone as very honest and genuine and wearing things on her sleeve um and she ALS I guess I was also curious and when we first met drawn by like who is this person partially because she didn't let preconceived I guess ideas get in the way of things she wanted to do or accomplish right and I

16:48 think your parenting Mojo the book there's like littered proof of stuff that she's done that many people wouldn't think to do because of established cultural norms um and I think stuff like at the very beginning where like she'd show up with a hardcore backpack and the Fruit Stand at her desk or like be the one to pursue me and then go from like a laidback date to be like okay we're

17:18 gonna pick up at 9ine and end at midnight and we're gonna hike and go out to dinner and like what I made her watch B for it but um to like you know she I don't know if listeners know or not don't know when Caris was 18 months old no eight weeks sorry when Caris was eight eight week eight or 10 week six weeks old Jen and Caris hiked the tourto on Blanc um right and by the time Caris was

17:49 two years old she had been on 24 flights and they had hiked all over the place well you know in Ireland in Wales um all across the US so what person in the right mind would take an infant hiking in the Alps right or think that anything except for that's insane and she did it um and she's done it so I've always been sort of intrigued and

18:19 half scared probably by these things um but more intrigued and now here we are with Paris who's 9 years old we homeschooling and again that's another one of those things where my I my background is very traditional right uh first generation Filipino immigrant parents born in New Jersey um top down parenting um study will you know become a doctor type thing um so when she first

18:52 mentioned like the homeschooling and a lot of these um ideas that were the very Beginnings to the podcast I had a very strong knee-jerk reaction half the time and I think over the course of time um I I've kept going leaning closer and closer in um and things have converged because they've been effective and I've gotten a deeper understanding and managed to um be more

19:23 self-aware as well as aware of my surroundings in terms of the cultural stuff the Filipino stuff right the traditional stuff that patriarchal type stuff um because I think like a lot of these are buzzwords but when it comes down to like the everyday stuff and we like start to question it and ask why um it it makes more sense once you get past that like well everything my my parent my own parents taught me

19:54 um I'm sort of fighting in in certain circumstances right like the idea of of I don't know um having to wear shoes all the time or having to put a sweater on when you go outside even though you're not cold the just because stuff I have a lot of just because stuff because I grew up in H with uh Filipino parents first generation who really cared about my safety who moved from the Philippines for successful life for me and you know

20:24 thanks to them I can think bigger now but they were very concerned about basic needs back then you started to touch on some questions that we wanted to ask you about your experience growing up um so yeah to start could you tell us what your childhood was like and how your family interactions were growing up you mentioned you know um more of a traditional parenting style your parents being more focused on basic needs and that being different than

20:55 where you're at today so could you share a little bit more about that yeah yeah yeah I think um so I grew up in New Jersey my parents came from the Philippines my mother as a nurse and I guess some 50 years ago she was recruited out of nursing school to come to New Jersey with a bunch of you know her colleagues and stuff um so they were new to America finding their own way and I think in general like we I grew up in

21:27 a very safe loving environment um it's interesting to think back to like that time and see how it impacts us right like I don't think we really realize how much per how much of an effect it has on us both good and bad I think we get set in our ways and as we have children we start to re we start to think about how some of our knee-jerk reactions and our struggles like what's happening with our

21:57 own children and as we re-examine that we find that how we were parented has an impact on them um and I think for me like my parents were so loving um and my house was so safe but part of the challenge was the tools that they had and the circumstances in which they came from the Philippines their focus was on that

22:29 right so making me feel safe making me feel loved like there is no like arguing that I am who I am because of that like I I'm so confident I feel very um strong when I have a point of view um I feel very protective even though that might not translate to how people want me to help them or treat them or might be that might not be the best way to help people but the the

23:01 thing that I think this probably is culturally across a lot of like Asian households maybe Spanish and Mexican households where it's like a really tighten more tightened like family orientation versus nuclear family but like communication wasn't big and feelings wasn't big it was the more traditional role of like respect your elders right the idea that where you are

23:32 in the family structure is more traditional and patriarchal and the fact that it doesn't really matter you're a kid you're going to listen to me because I'm older you're gonna respect you know uncle and auntie TI Tito because they're older you know they have this thing in the Filipino culture where you like bow down and kiss their hand and stuff um which was pretty funny because I think when I was younger I initially did it but pretty early on I'm like I'm not

24:02 doing that my parents like come on Alvin I'm like no I'm not so it's so other families in our barata which is like Family Circle and the Phil Philippines would be stuck like putting their hand on whatever and I'd be I just walk away you were also the oldest boy I was also the old boy really had an impact but I think yeah yeah so I'm a c of girls yeah yes I was the oldest boy and sea girls I

24:31 I've apologized to them multiple times on how I've treated them when I was a kid I I gave them tough love but maybe it was a little too tough at times um but yeah like I guess in a nutshell I him from very loving family but it definitely has those pitfalls of like traditional like like um top down parent and where it's had an impact with us is not

25:01 necessarily with me per se but when it and I'm sure lots of parents out there struggle with this it comes down to their their grandchild right it comes to Caris and their interactions with Caris and this idea of like they really are confused at times that how we parent and why why the things that we do um and they they try to learn but they just it's it's like their their wire their systems are so wired

25:28 based on how they were parented it doesn't compute and where I've run into a lot of challenges in the past is when I have this false sense of security that it's it's actually like seeping in and they're starting to get to understand it because even if they are understanding it for that moment moment in time when the stress test comes and the inflection point comes they revert to how they were parented and the how they parented me

25:56 and I think it it has caused like major disruption and and challenges in the past but I've sort of come full circle myself in realizing that they're not going to change and they have limited time left and I'll do my we'll try to do our best to continue to communicate and sort of um Express why we do what we do but I think they're also starting to see like as Caris gets older like you know they

26:28 still question stuff like the homeschooling type stuff but um Harris is is certainly growing up to be you know I don't know how to say this she's herself she's herself but she's yes yeah no she's she is I don't want to say an unorthodox child but like she's the fullest version of she's the fullest version of herself like um

26:58 she's yeah she has a voice she has feelings she thinks in ways that most nine-year-olds probably don't think she questioned things that most nine-year-olds probably don't think of because of the structures around like normal stuff um I can't wait to talk to Caris when she's like older older and be like what do you think childhood she'll probably be like you messed us up me up so badly all I wanted yeah

27:29 H yeah I appreciate that I um we have my parents living with us so we have an inner generational household and yeah the the grandparents have so much to offer right and like support and love for the grandchildren and yet there's differences that may not we may not ever come together because you know some of those things are very ingrained and and it's just kind of a way of of life but there's a little meet in the middle

28:00 every once in a while we have good those good moments too um but yeah I really appreciate that I know I'm sure almost every listener has the same same kind of Challenge from time to time yeah I think what one thing I've learned especially the over the course of like the book tour and the workshops that we conducted over the last three months or she conducted and I recorded and filmed and stuff is um which helped for how I

28:27 wrapped my own head around my relationship with my own parents and how they grandparent this again everyone has needs right like core basic needs and when we get into these conflicts I'm realizing now more than ever that you know my parents have a need to be involved or have this role in the life of my our daughter and the strategy

28:58 or how they're fulfilling that need that's where we get hung up on and that's where they fall back on like the past so if they have a need for a relationship their idea of a relationship is topped out right it's like the grandparent telling and teaching the kid not having a conversation and asking and really listening to the kid right it's more of a linear one-way thing so when it doesn't go that way that's when

29:28 problems have Arisen but what I need to do what I need to remind myself of is my parents or the grandparents are acting in a way and behaving in a way that is familiar to them out of that core need so when my my when Grandpa wants to interact and play with Carris he doesn't see or think about like like necessarily two-way interaction or

29:58 pulling at threads to get Caris curious and to like teach her in a way that is child Le learning for example right he goes to I want I have this need for connection with my granddaughter based on my toolbx that means I need to teach her something right draw your letters your alphabet like this and he thinks that if Paris is not engaged or not drawing things properly

30:29 he's failing as a grandparent so it's this narrative in his own head that makes him double down or then questions why is she not going to school why are you guys parenting this way she can't even spell her name all based on his need for connection with our daughter right so like it the the needs the core needs are there and pure and I think when we focus on that stuff we have a greater sense of empathy

30:59 everybody right what's carisa's need in that moment her need with is the same as Grandpa's need she has a need for connection with her with grandpa so they have the same needs but her need for Joy her need for autonomy her need for like authenticity authenticity isn't lining up with Grandpa's linear way of thinking you know Elders know better best I know best this kid is not

31:30 listening to me I want to connect with this kid but I don't have the tools to connect with this kid so I'm done because Jen and Alvin have no idea what they're doing and you know and then it gets like this so now at least I'm better equipped to understand like it's still coming from a place for from of love but again as I mentioned communication wasn't a strong point in our family growing up or a

31:57 valued thing it was like I'm older you listen um but so now moving forward I think we're better equipped to spend time together because at least I know and can have be better equipped to think about needs so if there's any stuff that comes up I like I really TR to think about okay what's going on what's what's underneath all this because on the surface it's it's strategies and it's

32:27 it's just like the narrative that either I have in my head Caris is in her head or Grandpa or Grandma have in their heads it's it's not necessarily everyone's reality now let's switch gears and hear a bit about how Jen's work has influenced you both we received a question about how Jen's work affected her parenting so let's listen to that recording from Jody hi Jen and Alvin congratulations on 200 episodes

32:58 thank you for the thousands of hours of research and preparation that has gone into the podcast it has really helped me many many times in my parenting journey I look forward to the next 200 episodes so my question for Alvin is this could you describe what Jen was like before she even started to research into parenting compared to how she is now what are some of the major shifts that you saw in her and what aspects of

33:23 her that have remained constant over the years that's an interesting question can you even remember know that I no I don't think so Jenna's still the same person like I don't think anything's really changed except for she's got more tools like I think she's very she's always been a very research oriented person and no

33:53 like her thirst for knowledge and curiosity for knowledge has always been um in there but I guess the podcast I don't know if you knew thanks for your question by the way but I don't know if he knew that the podcast was sort of born out of the simple need the needs that you had as a parent to get answers to our parent our own parenting struggles um and I think we never

34:24 connected for you until Cha's kid came to our house and I think the listeners know about this story it's been a while though shorts of it I think you know we have before Caris we had some friends come over with their child and we have a kind of a long hallway um connecting our bedrooms to the main living area Jack yeah Jack started running down the hallway shaa said Jack can you please come here or

34:54 stop or something like that in a nice like voice right and the kid maybe less than two years old like stopped dead on his tracks and walked back and I didn't think of anything of it but Jen was like how did you do that like what um and that's where she learned about respectful infant educator R resources infant Educators resources for infant Educators um and it's basically set down

35:25 set her down this path of like okay there are tools out there I just don't know of that um and she went from initially having a I wish it was still up she had a Blog around parenting hiking and making stuff which I think there might be an article still out there on her hike with Caris Pon Blanc off of only planet Cerone company they published a Blog we can link to it in so in any case to answer answer the

35:57 question I think Jen's always been the same you know she believes what she believes in and she's not like one of those people who says something and doesn't act or her you know um values don't come through in what she does and says she's definitely not a hypocrite um she she likes to live what she believes and I think as the podcast grew and evolv evolved the

36:28 toolbox just grew and evolved everything leading up into this point was just an organic Journey um and I think it presents itself that way like I think both Jen and I often um when trying to figure out the business aspect or like how we want to continue evolving your parenting Mojo and now that it's tied to our like our our livelihoods looking back it's like my

37:01 old world was advertising and marketing and businesses I look back and I sort of cringe because I'm like it feels all over the place or it feels like we're not strategic but I think that's part of because it just evolved organically like Jen Jen's goal was never to build this community or platform to help parents in a way that you know was measured in any way she just sort of did it to help herself and

37:32 then initially like if I'm helping myself I should help others and then as she started helping others this was really the very core just wanting to help even when we pivoted and started making this more of our livelihood jens's never wanted to think about okay how is this as a business what are these decisions mean so that we could put food on the table it's been like Iris needs my help the membership needs my help right people who can't

38:04 afford to pay need my help um so yeah it's it's it's basically been the same as just like an evolution and more tools and greater maturity as we have these tools at our disposal I'm autistic now I wasn't before it makes a lot more sense you're always autistic because didn't know yeah I was a joke um yeah it makes yeah I used to I used to want to print t-shirts for her that said

38:34 hardcore um just because when she ever she wanted to do something like she wanted to do it she didn't want to mess around which most of the time I'm like yes and some of the time I'm like no way oh my God so all right next question but no regrets with your parenting Mojo like glad that that that was done hardcore me or her for you yeah oh man that's a difficult question I I think the greatest part of

39:06 your parenting Mojo is Jen found her calling prior to this she used to do corporate environmental strategy and sustainability Consulting so she's always cared about the environment and the world so it's like a natural progression that we have this little human that had that caring about the world now has even greater meaning because daughter is going to be in the world longer than we'll be in hopefully right um but then your parenting Mojo has turned into this

39:35 community um and is basically our livelihoods um and when the two intersect as I'm finding out with Photography in my own journey I used to I used to have a day job and I also am a photographer but there's this intersection now like as I had mentioned with your parenting Mojo Jen wants to just genuinely help if we the money aspect or the financial aspect it wouldn't change what she would like to do but it makes it a pressure cooker at

40:06 times because it's how we feed ourselves now for me photography is one of those things were like my passion for photography was reignited at my last full-time position working for a small um hybrid agency creative um production company but I sort of jumped into photography because I thought saw it as an art form I love doing it like when I used to shoot film as a kid but now part

40:37 of that journey is realizing if I'm turning it into a business there are certain considerations that I didn't have to worry about when it was just a hobby so I think your parenting Mojo is not a hobby but it's more than a business I think I think it's essentially Jen's Legacy I I firmly believe it's especially coming off of the book tour and meeting parents it's funny so I gotta tell this one sidebar story as we

41:07 like I think we're in Colorado and I'm meeting parents and I'm filming and I'm introducing myself and we're meeting we're we're having I'm talking about the panel events coming up and how we have like founder of moms Against Racism Canada com then we have uh someone in in Vancouver who spent decades as an acist and been in the you know Canadian government and they're listening to me and they're like hold on Alvin you know Jen's kind of a big deal

41:38 right I'm like ah I guess still wouldn't she so but no but that's my way of saying like I and I believe this it's just because I'm in it right um like there's such a huge hole in the parenting space where we don't even know what we don't know and I think most parents can agree that like you don't know what it's like to be parent until you're in it and like holy crap when you're in it even when things are

42:08 going well you're like what did I get myself into what the heck's going on and then in the blink of an eye it's like nine years later and you're like what the beep right and I think time is precious and heck my website's everyday is your birthday so I'm like definitely sees the moment time is precious but there's so much like stuff that happens on the day-to- day and stresses and you see it on your face you see it on your

42:39 friends faces you feel it and people like to say like there's these moments of joy that makes it all worthwhile but no one tells you you don't have to go through the hell right like we just go through the hell thinking it's part of the course when most of the hell is self-inflicted I would say a lot of the hell is self-inflicted but based on culture based on stuff that we just don't know any better so I think there's so many

43:09 tools that I've learned that I initially had nerk reactions to that I've learned actually make life a lot easier and I think those nerk reactions earlier on right like to these tools as even Jen was learning about these tools I'm like H whatever what is that mumbo jumbo I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing you and I'm realizing that I have a good relationship with Caris I never had a bad relationship with her but Jen had a

43:35 relationship with her that I was like okay maybe those tools or those strategies that Jenna is using has a greater impact maybe what I thought was benign is actually having a negative effect and it could be like basically I realized one day that while my connection with Caris was good it can be better and it should be better so why am why am I like doing Groundhog Day and using the same stuff um

44:09 so I think some it back up I think your parenting Mojo and what Jen's doing is important special and I think that when all is said and done she's going to have a legacy that even though you know we might have some stresses when it comes to it as a business and supporting us as we both are working a lot around the clock like we just got off the book tour which was very intense and took a lot of

44:38 time and energy and then we got covid and all this other stuff I think um it's going to be all worthwhile and it's it's it's bigger than us I firmly believe it's bigger than us um so it deserves the time and energy we've put into it well that was really beautiful we're all grateful for Jen's work and Alvin how you are a part of it um and I know it means a lot to do work that is

45:09 Meaningful so I'm really glad that you have that in your life Jen uh we have some questions you mentioned your relationship with Caris we have some questions about um being a father to Caris um first uh what are some ways that Caris is different from you and Jen that you find interesting different ah she likes to be naked all the time and you're like I'm freezing yeah like I I don't know what

45:41 is I'm getting old and like my circulation isn't as good or something like and I'm definitely this year in particular I I just feel cold all the time and she does yeah she doesn't like shoes he loves going around bare feet and when and if she didn't have to wear clothes she just wouldn't wear clothes it doesn't care it doesn't matter temperature um I kind of like clothes good thing you like well you

46:12 kind of like CL but I think I when I look at Caris I don't necessarily see how she's different than both of us I see how she's the same as both of us but like you know the mashup and I love it when she's more like me than Jen it's like awesome for example um for example um she likes dance music and house music it puts her to

46:43 sleep it puts her to sleep in the car yeah wow I'm tired can you put some house music on so I can take a nap it's a um she loves loud music um I think she's definitely a lot more not that you're not charismatic uh but she's I think she picks up the let's say energy from my side of the family right she's better with people than I am yeah yeah but um

47:15 no but she's more animated sure she's a lot you're not are you animated not necessarily no no yeah I'm I couldn't be animated my grandma that's synonym for that is loud um so J once she's warmed up she's you know no one would ever accuse you of being the life of the party very true I could see Caris as being the life of the party when she gets worned up

47:45 yeah yeah right um I'm not saying I could be the life party but I have a greater chance maybe Caris has the best chance of the three of us um so um but in J Caris obviously has the Curiosity of Jen um they're always tinkering um but yeah it's it's I mean I think any parent can attest to this like seeing your kids and then seeing a part of you in them and seeing part of your

48:16 partner in them is just like an amazing Joy um I think to me yeah thank you Alvin that's amazing to hear about Caris especially as someone with a younger child um just seeing her blossom into herself um sounds really wonderful we received a similar question from CG about Jen's work but this one focuses on how it is impacted Alvin so let's take a listen hi Jen hi Alvin thank you so much for this

48:47 opportunity to ask you a question mine is like many parents challenged with inviting their spouses to join them on this parenting Journey with y PM practices I am wondering if there might be something in your experience that may be informative in the past 10 years since Jen embarked on her parenting journey together on your parenting journey together what would you say has shifted for you the most as a parent as a person thank you that's a good

49:16 question I mean I think sort of like as You' mentioned was talking about before you know coming from um a safe very stable loving family I never thought to question my own parenting style and approach and I never thought that I never stressed out or worried that I'd be doing something wrong whereas I thought I would be a

49:47 terrible parent like I was 100% convinced that I was going to be the worst parent in the world yeah so I and I think like with anything I have a certain level of confidence that like I'm not afraid of not knowing something never been um I've always been you know secure and confident that I could figure it out you know I worked in advertising where getting laid off is just part of the course shifting jobs and agencies

50:19 multiple times over and I think I remember the first time I either quit or got laid off it wasn't fear it was like excitement that you know I was flooded with I'm like okay now what and I think with parenting I always just felt like I would figure it out but as you make that transition of like figuring out to like the kid not doing exactly what you're hoping for

50:50 them to do I think through that or those frustrations or those experiences again you can either keep repeating and beating yourself you know against the wall over and over where you can look at the situation and and ask yourself am I really doing the best job in this situation and again it wasn't anything I don't think in particular but when I saw like Jen having a different kind of

51:22 relationship with Caris or like a level of relationship with Caris that I didn't have in terms of trust and communication you know it made me think about whether or not some of these pain points in terms of what we thought were the right approaches for parenting if I was maybe wrong right or or maybe I wasn't I was doing things that weren't

51:53 as productive so maybe they were benign in the short term but do they have longer term implications long can you give an example for parents um I think it's like you know the not need of always telling or guiding someone in particular your children versus holding space for them right actually I actually I do have a good one it's this notion of repair right this idea of like we're not

52:25 per we're not perfect parents but what's most important is our relationship with our children and the trust so that when something goes wrong for example I'm having a bad day I'm feeling really tired I'm feeling stressed Caris does something that might be a little like loud or you know I'm trying to figure out not how to judge but if she does something that irritates me but is perfectly normal and I think one day I like kind

52:58 of was a little too firm with her you know maybe I yelled at her and she got upset right so in that instance I almost immediately knew that it wasn't her it was me and it was my need for you know again needs her need for Joy is what came up against my need for peace and my need for quiet my need for calm and her need for joy and being loud irritated me because I was in this headp space and I

53:27 yelled at her or I told her to be quiet in a way firm voice and she went obviously off running to Mama or something right this is when she was younger what I realized at that time was it was me so first and foremost I realized it was me it was my needs it wasn't my daughter and then I also realized that I can fix this and I could apologize to my daughter and apologize in a way that says

53:58 hey I am sorry that I yelled at you or I Rose my voice too loud or whatever it was right I want you to know it wasn't your fault I did that because I'm really tired I'm feeling sick I have a headache and I realized all you really wanted to do was to play with me or to show me your point or show me something so it wasn't about you it was about me and again I want you to know that I'm sorry

54:25 so the first time I did that she basically said I know and hugged me right it like was it was an unexpected response she basically accepted the apology hugged me and then everything was back to sort of normal but the thing is it was a new normal because what I didn't anticipate was that repair or that interaction all of a sudden she looked at me in a different way moving forward she saw I guess she saw me not that she

54:58 was feeling not safe with me or not that she was feeling maybe not respected by me but the level again of safeness level of respect the level of communication just we broke through the ceiling so all of a sudden after that I noticed my relationship with Caris was like on a whole different level because I basically owned up to like my part in a different ult interaction and I guess she knew that if that were to happen again that I would

55:29 own it again which is different from like me just being the authority telling her how she should feel or how she should act right so I think it's our it's interesting because over the course of like the last four years we've gone through covid and we've gone through hell right as as a population as a world and I think irony through that is that coincided with the time period where I left my advertising my safe like corporate job to jump into

56:01 photography Jen you know got laid off from her job as Co hit and FastTrack your parenting moja full-time so all of a sudden we went from two decent well-paying jobs to responsible for a whole income as the world was basically ending and all the stru and in those four years our greatest pain points and stresses was never about Caris like parents would probably want to kill me for saying this or friends would definitely want to kill me for saying

56:31 this but like Harris was never the primary like headache what are we gonna do with her tomorrow what's the curriculum we're gonna have for her and we homeschooled it was always like what are we doing on your parenting em Mojo how are we gonna build this as a business how are we gonna build get content so we're actually helping parents through this difficult period of time and Jen was working 18h hour

57:02 days except for like the one or two hours she dedicated towards Focus Caris time for like 18 months straight with one day off a month so like if you could imagine the last you know the 18 months of when covid hit that was jens's basically rinse and repeat wake up 7 o'clock log on work on contct support the members figure out other stuff all right play time with Caris for an hour investigating like stuff go back and

57:35 she'd do that until 10 o'clock at night and wake wake up the next morning and I don't know I was like like free safety spending time with Caris supporting Jen in terms of stuff that needed to get done but I could generally say like again that during the most stressful time period of all of our lives with covid hitting our daughter was never like a major pain Point like uh

58:09 and I say that because I know like I can imagine like the torture chamber that is covid being locked up in the house with your kids like I I I empathize with that and I actually empathized and struggled with seeing our own friends going through that and you know no one wants solicited parenting advice but I definitely have sat there on more than one occasion listening to my close friends tell me how you know they wanted

58:35 to punch themselves in the face and they were having problems with their kids or challenges and stressed with their partners because they're not seeing eye to eye and to me it was like we're not experiencing that and by the way like I know what you should be or can be doing to help yourself but I couldn't say anything because like you don't want to do that like you just can't um so the tools all of it you know I'm

59:04 not gonna sit here and say like I adopted it from day one heck no like I fought it hard or I didn't even fight I'm like I sort of um was like that's nice right I listen to podcast but you know I didn't listen to every podcast I would try to pick up on things that she was doing that fit within my idea of what how I wanted to parent but I still even when we were stress tested I sort

59:35 of like dipped a toe but I didn't go all in and I think this is where Jen and I differ a little bit right like when she believes in something she like goes all in and I'm like inch in inch out inch in inch out so is there any dads listening out there I think we're we're programmed more to in in inch out but like definitely consider some of these tools because I've learned firsthand like there's a lot of stuff that we could be

60:02 doing to help ourselves versus like stress ourselves okay Caris is waiting she is so um we've covered a lot of um really fun stuff and really um heartfelt stories from from Alvin and um we k and I have more questions and we have listeners we did not get the chance to um ask the questions of the other

60:32 listeners so we run out of time we may have a part two to get to know Alvin more and Jen more and just share our stories about um the joys and and pains of parenting so thanks for joining us for this ask Alvin anything episode and um again congrats to Jen for for the 200 plus episodes in the your parenting Mojo podcast and yes I think that's about all

61:02 and it's been um really fun and I'm looking forward to the part two thank you so much Jen and Alvin and Iris it's been great working with you on this so um thank you all and um really excited to share this with the listeners yes yeah thanks for being with us appreciate it I'll talk again soon okay

61:42 okay