Transcript
0:00 On the day a couple gets married, on a scale of 1 to 10, how motivated are they to loving each other and making their family family? Okay? Because you're not born family. You become family. We call, you know, there's there's coupleness and there's familyliness. And family is a 5 to sevenyear journey for most blended families. Okay? But the couple wants it sooner rather than later. And their motivation is a nine or a 10 on a 10 scale to make that happen. Well, children are something less than nine.
0:28 Now, there are some kids who are four or three who are an 8.5. They're right there, super high, highly open. Young kids just tend to have this wind big window of attachment in their heart and they let everybody in through that window. But then there's 12 year olds, 16 year olds, and 25 year olds if you get married with adult children and 30 year olds who have their own life, kids, and a mortgage. And the last thing they need is spend time with you. Like their win, their scale is a two. So if you get married to somebody and they got three kids, it's very likely there's a seven, there's a five, and there's a two somewhere in those three kids. So the seven's going to warm up to you quickly.
1:07 You find middle ground. You find it their pace is quick. The five is sometimes, yes, I'm warm, and sometimes I'm cold. Sometimes I'm warm, sometimes I'm cold. And over time, there's progress. The two just doesn't need you. It's not personal. You know, I'm 19, I'm headed to college. I don't need a bond with a new stepdad. Like, why would I even need to do that? I've got a dad. I don't need you in my life. You're mom's decision, not my decision. Like, that's a reality stepparents have to understand and embrace.
Summary
- Couples typically enter marriage with a motivation level of 9 or 10 to build a family.
- Children’s motivation to bond with stepparents can range from 2 to 8.5, depending on their age and personal situation.
- Younger children are generally more open to forming attachments, while older children may resist bonding with a stepparent.
- Blended families often require a 5 to 7-year journey to establish a cohesive family dynamic.
- Each child in a blended family may have different emotional responses, with some warming up quickly and others remaining distant.
- Stepparents need to understand that children's reluctance is not personal; older children may feel they don't need a new parental figure.
- Progress in relationships within blended families can be gradual and requires patience and understanding.