A Child Sexual Abuse Victim Designs A Safety Program For Kids

0:00 hi guys everyone who is here we are going to do an amazing live with anuja amin who's the founder of circles of safety and she's also curated a course for kidstop press because it's extremely important and i will share some facts with you which will startle you okay first up let me tell you that um a fact check did you know that one in two children are sexually abused before their 18th birthday did you know that

0:29 shocking right i mean i didn't know of this either and but as responsible parents i think what is becoming extremely important is for all of us to ensure that our children are extremely extremely aware because they are exposed to so much more than what you and me are or were exposed to you know i always believe that when the information comes from the right source it becomes so much more important and becomes so much more valuable versus our kids learning it

0:59 from a place of um the internet or through a friend where it is not coming through um you know through a a kind of a noted source right uh and that becomes a very very important aspect so i would love for you guys to continue with this uh continue watching the session because at the end of the session of course we're going to share with you more about the course and also how you can access this module and go about accessing it at

1:29 a time that is convenient to you and with your children right hi anuja hi mansi so nice to have you and for everybody who doesn't know about circles of safety and what we've created together i need you to give them a brief roundup of course so thank you for having me here um so what we've created together is this um hands-on educational module called raising a safer next generation and i think that it's critical that

2:01 parents and concerned adults are able to communicate essential body safety messages to their children at a very early stage you know sometimes we wait till they're older so this module has been designed keeping in mind the four to eight year old age group and a lot of people look at me thinking that oh my god what will i even tell my four year old and so we have essentially um covered five main body safety rules we've looked at talking and

2:31 understanding about your private parts and we've done in a very fun way with a read aloud book um so i'm essentially reading in you know what with your child as a video and then we've also done like a really interesting video on types of feelings types of touch and consent because it's very important that we teach children how to build healthy body boundaries right only then will they be able to also if they understand their feelings

3:00 then they can identify what the touch was like and so for me this video is particularly a highlight in this module because my daughter and i co-created this video just very impulsively it was never planned that way and um so i think it will be very relatable when a child and the parent watch it together because that's what i've done with my daughter um and then finally the fifth body safety message that we're really driving home is about a child being able to have

3:33 a grown-up safety network today if if something bothers a child who are they going to go to so if you are actively part of that discussion then you can almost control who they are going to speak to and you can be informed about it and make sure that at least one person on that network is not part of the family so that if something happens at school or something happens when you're not around then they're able to

3:57 reach out to them safely right which is so interesting we brought in suddenly so many facets right because good old days we would only have that talk that our school would organize and that was about it right um and and i don't know about everybody else but we didn't even know um as kids growing up in the 70s and 80s that this is abuse i i don't know if everybody is kind of with me on that and but i think

4:26 we as kids growing up in the 70s and 80s we didn't even know that this was a form of abuse right uh or we we knew that we didn't feel good but maybe our moms and dads were too busy to say oh that's you know like or maybe we didn't have the courage to go up and speak i i don't know how many people are with me on that or it didn't even cross our mind right it was so busy playing or

4:48 you know um it was kind of just shoved under the carpet and also i think as parents and correct me if i'm wrong as parents we always feel you know we always have this mentality yoga right so how do you uh go about how do you go about changing that mindset so i fundamentally i i agree with everything you've said and a lot of people that i come across in my workshops and all the work i've done

5:16 with schools a lot of people say it's part of growing up which is quite scary because like you said people who've grown up in the 70s and 80s feel like this is just one of those experiences you have like how bullying is so normalized etc right it's one of those things and um i i realized that a lot of this stems from the helplessness the stigma and the lack of awareness that the parents and any concerned adult i think it goes

5:47 beyond parents as a society that we just don't know how to handle it and i think that is where it comes from that it can't happen here and i just want to let people know that it happens in homes of nice people it happens in homes of you know and even with kids who go to very nice elite schools it happens everywhere it's a universal issue it's not just about india it crosses all cultural boundaries right and the fact is that

6:16 it's scary and which is why it's difficult to admit that sometimes we invite these perpetrators into our homes we invite them to dine with us to celebrate with us to be part of our trusted circle and because of that many times the child is unable to you know really say that oh but actually this is a trusted person why will they harm me and there is a lot of confusion which is also what i cover in this

6:43 module that when we talk about types of touch i have spoken about safe touch unsafe touch and also confusing because uh most of the abuse ends up become becoming quite confusing because it's perpetrated by somebody you know and then uh that's where the children need that assistance and effectively circles of safety is my response to um you know i'm a survivor and i'm a mother of two and it's my response to

7:14 the years of shame the silence and the lack of prevention knowledge the lack of vocabulary and understanding that this had happened exactly what you said i didn't even know till years later that this was wrong this wasn't meant to happen you know and you blame yourself there's so much of an impact it has on your entire life with the guilt with um just your body image your confidence and everything so i feel that parents need

7:44 to address this head-on you know i think today we don't have a choice and i think it's high time that we sort of wake up and shake up and say you know this is something it's a silent epidemic and i'm going to take simple steps because again that's another myth i want to bust for you here very simple steps common sense stuff that can be done to drastically reduce the risk okay so i don't want anyone to feel

8:12 overwhelmed and this is essentially what this ksp bundle does that we are able to talk to you in a fun engaging friendly way we're not using the word sex sexuality abuse nothing it's very simple right right you know which is very interesting that you said and you know that brings me to my next question that the perpetrators in a confusing block sometimes known to the child you know we always say like um or give them a hug and then they'll give

8:43 you a chocolate and it's often somebody known and knowingly unknowingly we kind of push our children to do that right so how do you deal with something like that which is very very blurry so you're absolutely right and i think one of the things again that we talk about is being able to build healthy boundaries and here when we say how do we go about doing that unfortunately we can't cherry pick we can't say as a concerned adult hey

9:09 when it comes to body safety you better make sure like stranger danger or you better make sure that you know nobody touches you in your private parts etc the messages also then have to go on to you being able to provide that safe space for them so on one side you're giving them these body messages on the other side you're force-feeding them that's not gonna work because when you say body boundaries it's not just about safety

9:35 it's not just about feeding you know it encompasses so many other things right from how you make them dress what you make them do i think all of that we have to be consistent in our messaging saying hey you have a voice and i will respect i will listen and let's have a conversation of what is it that you want how do you feel and so i feel that our discussions need to be more open rather than more guided by

10:01 this is wrong this is right you have to lose you must do this on their lap no you know they're let's help them um you know give them options alternatives and let's teach them that physical affection is not the only way that you're not obligated to show it in a physical way you can respect by you know maybe doing namaste by making them a nice shah but you know something like that there are different ways and so

10:35 no i would just urge all the parents that you know sometimes we're too busy we just don't listen to our kids and this is something i repeatedly keep saying you know there is a safe touch and that you know there's there's this touch and there is this feeling i don't know if everybody uh gets it that eerie feeling that you get and you know and and that feeling if you're not acknowledging that feeling of your

11:06 child you're doing so much of injustice to your child because it can really uh you know like i know of i know of cases where the child would you know if they knew that uncle was going to come by they would perhaps you know pee in the night be in the bed the night before just thinking that oh my god that uncle is going to come tomorrow right uh and and that can be a very very

11:29 uh moving or very unnerving experience and what are the mothers here at that point i know it's okay just go you know whatever os that cannot happen i would just urge all the parents please listen and acknowledge i think that is just acknowledging is just the first step to and when the feeling the key feeling i just want to add one point there that for them to be able to recognize that feeling like you said you have to listen and

11:56 acknowledge because every time if something happens and they cries when you say why are you crying for such a small thing or why and you keep demeaning or pushing down what they're feeling as opposed to acknowledging that they are feeling what they're feeling you know it's important to do that right no absolutely um also i know that this is this is tough on parents but and you know how to communicate with our children we kind of covered that in the

12:25 course but what do you do after you know that your child has been abused what should the parents next course of action be absolutely so first of all um if you find out if a child discloses to you that's one of the ways to find out or you can suspect that something has happened and that's why you will probably look further and you'll find out for whatever reasons if you find out i think it's very important like you said

12:52 to listen carefully first of all to acknowledge that it's very brave and very courageous for them to have to have to you know come to you and talk to this so i think it's very important that you don't broke for details you don't say why were you there what do you do why didn't you do this that is the worst way to approach this because you will shut the child down and they will not tell you anything more they will shut

13:18 right there so i think it's very important to listen carefully do not ask them to forgive forget or adjust to this you will be shocked and surprised but many people especially in cases of incest have heard things like we can't do anything about this so you will still have to come to this family function you also have to tie a rocky to that older cousin done something you know and so very often the child's feelings have

13:45 been put on the side to sort of um you know continue with this very important the support and the help that you provide to the child when they disclose if it's a negative experience it shuts and it re-traumatizes and re-victimizes the child so it's very important to have that support system and for that all the concerned adults need to be educated on this and because healing is possible recovery is possible to lead a meaningful normal life right so uh being

14:17 able to you know suggest counseling or therapy will also help them deal with any triggers that may arise and the impact that they may face from having been abused i think it's very important to look at all these aspects and create a very safe positive supportive environment for the child because if that is lacking they will not talk about it there are n number of episodes where only maybe three to five percent people actually disclose rest of it goes

14:45 absolutely under the carpet people don't talk about it and ever since i have come out with my story on humans of bombay and all of that the amount of people that have written to me and said you know we can't talk to any thank you for talking about this because this is somewhat what has happened to me and it's amazing but people don't feel that they have that environment that can support this right and what i would also add is you

15:12 know sometimes and this but you know like i have an 8 year old and a 12 year old and i feel like sometimes you feel like oh i have a great patient with my children i mean yes that's true so far but not every parent has an equation with their child not every mom dad not everybody has any questions so in case your child does feel intimidated and does not want to come and share that with you tomorrow

15:39 then you know maybe a good group exercise to do with your child because then a structured flow of information is going right uh like i said earlier when we just began it's very important that information is always passed on from a trusted source right because that's the biggest um i think that's the first starting point that you know as parents we are taking all our time and time is really um you know trickling away too fast and you don't realize your

16:11 kids are grown up and it's one year down and you still haven't had the conversation right uh so i think i think that's why also it's important to kind of just or take a course with an expert because there are some things which which need a little bit of more direction um so yeah having a course like this signals to your child that you're approachable you are available and that these conversations are not off the

16:42 table that it's not that you need to write behind the back of a book or you know secretly tell your friend it's something that's very much on the table and can be talked about and discussed openly with your immediate service which is very very critical i think that communication barrier once you know that there are no guards or no filters there it just makes it a lot easier um and that is that is absolutely incredible uh and i'm so grateful that

17:11 you've done this program uh for kids stop press because it literally means that we're starting the conversations much younger um a very obvious question and somebody asked that how is it different so why four to eight and why not for older children okay so um the reason why i want to start with four to eight year olds is first to just being able i think we need to ease into these conversations have baby steps so as concerned adults i think these are

17:42 easier conversations to have with older children we are definitely going to come out with something at circles of safety um you know to support older children there are a lot more books there are a lot more uh resources available for teenagers for pre-teens because everybody thinks that these conversations need to happen around puberty so all the focus is there and so i'm trying to fill the gap and say hey you know what the the abcs if you want your child to

18:12 be a mathematician you're going to teach them the numeracy and the basic one two threes from cage you're not gonna wait till they're in college right so the abcs i feel if these foundation and these fundamental things are clear then you can have an ongoing and build on this conversation later and so of course we will also develop something at circles of safety for the older child but for now i thought why not start with the

18:38 basics right also very of faq that we get on kickstart press and all the dms etc that we get how are the modules different from what i can consume on youtube oh i'll tell you how they are different because i think on youtube you're it's more like you're just watching the video and then that's about it how are you going to continue that conversation offline and that is why i think this module is a wonderful mix of there's an

19:10 art activity there's some logical sort of skills like word search etc so you're doing things and activities that a child normally engages in and imagine how amazing that is that you can build on the teachable moments in a child's life and also giving essential and critical messages so you're not it's not like oh this is going to be a serious time we're going to sit for one hour and we have to do this no it's something that can be

19:36 weaved into like regular conversations you know and that's what i think the beauty of this module is that if it's art if it's book reading if it's logical activity it's like watching a video it's all there right right which i think is which i think is the key and i think the context that she believes into the indian space i think that is very very important um for everyone who's watching the module is available on kids press if

20:03 you guys are not already following circles of safety please go ahead and do that she's doing an incredible incredible job building that as well and uh for everyone who has any queries please feel free to dm us or anuja and we'll be very very happy to take that forward and and i really thank you so very much for your time thank you thank you everybody who's trying to access this course it's available on kids press and you know guys as parents

20:33 we stumble upon um where should i begin like the reason we brought nuja who's an expert in the space to kind of create this for us is the confusion that parents have when do i begin what do i talk where do i start what should the first conversation be i want to give information it cannot be overwhelming it needs to be age appropriate you can't give more than what the child can absorb right so if you think that you're going to try and

21:01 do this on your own or whatever you know it might be a tricky tricky pitch to start on if somebody is experienced for a whole bunch of people i would definitely go go with somebody who i you know and especially in the indian context right again adding context is so very important because um we've created this for it is uh where we know that yes we're living in joint families yes we need our grandparents

21:32 and uncles and aunts more frequently than just thanksgiving or christmas whatever um and therefore it may be important for you to make that decision that yes i want to be part of this program yes it and and the best part is because it's lifelong access to the course you can keep revisiting it with your child right by attending your session and then you're gone home right i think that is very very critical guys [Music]