# FEELING GUILTY YOUR CHILD "JUST" PLAYS? (6 Reasons to Enjoy HOURS of Independent Play!) **Creator:** Hi, Fam! **Platform:** youtube **Duration:** 14m **Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow ## Summary Avital discusses the importance of independent play for children and encourages parents to embrace it without guilt. She outlines how independent play fosters child development, enhances creativity, and allows parents to manage their responsibilities effectively. - Independent play is crucial for children's development, promoting skills like problem-solving and emotional regulation. - Parents often feel guilty when children play independently, but this guilt is unnecessary and can undermine their confidence. - Children choose to play independently out of their own free will, which makes it enjoyable and rewarding for them. - Parents have adult responsibilities that require time and focus, making independent play beneficial for managing household tasks. - Adult involvement in play can overshadow children's creativity and learning opportunities, hindering their development. - Authentic connections with children can be fostered in various ways beyond just playing together, such as through shared meals and meaningful conversations. - Quality time with children can be more impactful than quantity, emphasizing focused interactions over prolonged play sessions. - Avital invites parents to explore her resources at reclaimplay.com for strategies to encourage independent play in their children. ## Transcript [[0:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=0s) welcome back to high Fam I'm Avital and one of the things I am passionate about teaching parents is how to reclaim play now when people go through my course reclaim play at reclaimplay.com or if you read the book which is coming out very soon if you're watching this as it drops then you will see that what is possible when you go through the steps that are outlined in this course is massive transformation in fact many of [[0:26]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=26s) the parents who go through the course start off with a child who is clingy and Naggy and whiny and needy and constantly wanting adult attention and intervention and entertainment and education right all the time just teach me show me play with me give me right and they go from that clingy state to being independent players which means they are immersed in their imaginative worlds in deep play for hours a day yes hours a day in fact [[0:54]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=54s) I have five children of my own and I can attest to this truth that children are capable capable of playing for hours a day now here's the funny thing and it just goes to show how we parents will feel guilty no matter what many of the parents who come in desperate for a change you know deeply Desiring this deep independent play for their children once they start to get it they sometimes get a little bit alarmed or taken aback [[1:19]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=79s) they're slightly shaken by the fact that their child is capable of entertaining themselves for so long and they start to even imagine that they should feel guilty or worried that their child is playing independently and not needing and demanding all the time so I am here to set your mind at ease and I'm going to give you six very real real life real talk reasons why you should never feel guilty about your child playing independently now this is all inspired [[1:48]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=108s) by my student Ilana who wrote to me saying I took your course and my child went from being incredibly needy to being this amazing independent player but my neighbor was walking by and saw my child play and and she said to me something like oh your kid just plays all day and Elana wasn't sure how to read this comment she thought is that criticism and to begin with she actually took offense she actually felt like this [[2:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=133s) neighbor was judging her as if she wasn't an involved mother she wasn't a giving mother because her child just plays all day as if she's neglectful God forbid or something like that and she really wasn't sure how to take it until she suddenly thought about it and she reframed it and flipped it in her mind and wore it as a badge of honor she said to me yes every tell my child plays all day how amazing is that how proud am I [[2:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=156s) so if my neighbors noticing it it's not something to be ashamed of no matter how she perceives it whether she was judging or not who knows but the fact is that this is an amazing thing to be proud of so let's start there and this is number one independent play is amazing for children it's good for their development now show me the parent who feels guilty when their child is reading when their child is learning when their child is [[2:58]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=178s) exercising when their child is playing with Friends when the child is doing normal healthy wonderful things that are good for childhood development listen when your child is doing something that's good for them as long as it's not in massive excess right then you should be happy about it calm about it we do not need extra reasons to be guilty do not be collecting guilty points as if it's something to hold on to no actually walking around with tremendous mom guilt [[3:24]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=204s) about all the stuff is not good for you it's not good for your child it doesn't help your family and it weakens your bonds because you're obsessed with something negative and something corrosive and something exhausting instead feels strong and capable and totally not guilty in fact really really proud and accomplished and happy and confident in your child they're doing something that is great for their development now if you're not sure why independent play is so great for [[3:50]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=230s) children's development then just watch my channel you'll find so many videos outlining exactly what's so good about independent play for childhood development or go ahead and take take the reclaim play course it will outline it for you in detail the next reason that you should never feel guilty about your child playing for hours a day or for as long as they're playing independently is because independent play is deeply enjoyable look this is something that children elect to do out [[4:17]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=257s) of their free will they choose to do it they could be nagging you they could be asking you and whining and demanding and crying and complaining about it but they're not and usually when you see a child playing independently what you see is someone in a deep state of flow and concentration they are immersed they are rewarded it is deeply enjoyable and intrinsically rewarding to play independently because they're following their own imagination their own inner Direction their inner voice they are [[4:46]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=286s) expanding and learning and growing and healing it's therapeutic it really gives you a sense of achievement and accomplishment and Intrigue right they're fascinated by what they're doing so why would you feel guilty by your child enjoy annoying themselves and deeply connected with their inner world with their bodies with their ideas right that's what they're doing in play so never apologize for that and never feel guilty about it the next reason that you should never feel guilty about [[5:14]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=314s) independent play is this you need to get ish done okay you have stuff to do don't feel sorry for the fact that you are an adult you have responsibilities that children can never understand even if your two-year-old wants you to be on the floor playing mermaids and firemen for hours a day the fact is that I know that you have responsibilities you have a household to run you have a job you have self-care you've got to make the thing [[5:41]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=341s) work you've got to adult and grown-ups have all sorts of responsibilities and needs that children can't and don't and don't need to understand no one needs to understand the fact that you have things to do whether it's laundry and housework and cooking and cleaning or emails and phone calls and errands it doesn't matter you have stuff to do and so if your child's happily invested and engaged in independent play which is free which is natural which is healthy [[6:09]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=369s) which is what they were born to do then why feel bad about that in fact you should feel great that you are getting your responsibilities done you are taking care of business you are taking care of your home you are taking care of yourself so that you can show up and parent another day remember parenting is not just about giving endless attention in today's parenting climate that seems to be all we're supposed to do just give [[6:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=391s) your child attention attention attention I don't think this is good advice but beyond the fact that I actually think it's damaging for children to get so much adult attention all the time I also think that it is detrimental to our household to our marriages to our physical health to our mental health to our finances like look it takes a lot more to be a good parent than just giving your child attention all the time you have to run a home you have to [[6:56]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=416s) become financially stable you have to be able to take care of your health health and well-being you have to sleep enough you have to do all this stuff so I don't really understand how we could possibly do all of that if we don't free up some time that isn't just giving our children attention so yes we can do that while they're at preschool or at school or whatever cool but there are hours a day there are hours on the weekend there are [[7:17]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=437s) times when we simply need a child to entertain themselves and that is not your role as you're about to discover the next reason that you should never feel guilty about letting your child play independently is because the truth is that more often than not adults overshadow children's play adults undermine children's imagination we actually step in and we think we're giving them attention and spending time with them and sometimes we are and a little bit of playing with your kid is [[7:48]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=468s) wonderful I mean it's a great way to connect it's a great way to show them how to play and to inspire them and Spark that imagination all of that is great but if you do it for any length of time and consistently and all the time to the extent that they don't know how to play independently you're actually robbing them of a crucial developmental milestone and a crucial developmental tool play independent play is a tool where they learn to exercise their own [[8:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=493s) imagination decision making risk taking their body autonomy their ideas their problem solving their executive function their emotional language so many different skills come through independent play but when an adult is supervising involved directing we often can't help it but to undermine those things you don't mean to it doesn't come from a bad place or anything like that but when we sit down with a child look we have a fully developed prefrontal cortex we have a lot more knowledge we [[8:43]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=523s) have years of experience so when they want to solve a problem say they want to come up with an idea for a story we have ideas we've seen hundreds of movies we've read hundreds of books we have ideas like this right and we don't give them that time and that pause to come up with their own idea which is exactly where the learning takes place or say they're struggling with a problem they're trying to untie a bow right oh [[9:05]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=545s) don't worry give it to me I have the dexterity I have the fine motor skills I want to help I love you let me do it for you we do this automatically we don't even notice how we're stepping in and overshadowing every struggle every opportunity for Learning and growth we are there solving the problem and so actually adult intervention in play adult involvement in children's play is not great for kids it actually robs them of the Independence that they develop [[9:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=574s) through independent play the next thing I want you to realize and this totally leads on from that point is that when adults play with Children what they are often doing is they're playing begrudgingly and begrudging Playmates are no fun okay kids are saying to play Lego with me do a puzzle with me uh you know play Barbies with me whatever and you're like oh I have a million things to do I'm tired I'm grumpy after I have [[10:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=602s) to get to my to-do list I don't really feel like playing I hate this game oh I don't know right you just don't feel like it but you're like oh I have to give my child attention I have to show them that I love them so I better put all of that to one side and sit down with them and do it no listen if you ask a girlfriend to go out for coffee with you and you're like hey do you want to [[10:19]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=619s) grab some coffee together this morning and they were like ah I have so much to do I'm so busy I really don't feel like it I hate that coffee place but fine if you ask me to I'll do it because I want to show you I'm a good friend is that the type of friendship we want no none of us feel good like that that doesn't teach authentic relationships that really isn't the type of connection they're seeking I mean they'll settle [[10:40]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=640s) for it right they'll take it because kids want all of our time and all of our attention cool but that's not the point right it would actually be so much better if you were authentic and honest and transparent and said actually I really don't feel like playing that game why don't you go ahead and play and we can connect in another way just like if your girlfriend said actually I just can't do coffee this morning let's find [[11:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=660s) another time or another thing to do together do you want to join me at the gym we want to show our children that our relationship with them is authentic that us spending time with them is elective it's something that we want to do not something we're coerced to do or something that we do out of guilt and shame and that leads me to the final point you should never feel guilty about your child playing independently because [[11:21]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=681s) you can connect deeply with your child in a myriad of other ways and you can and you will and you should and they can and will and should play independent Lee as well for hours look my children play independently for hours a day that doesn't mean that I don't read with them do homework and learning and homeschool with them that I don't do bedtimes and snuggles and connection and love that we don't sit round the table for meals [[11:46]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=706s) together and share in our days and our gratitudes and our questions we spend a lot of quality time together and they get a lot of my attention they get my eye contact and heart open listening availability and touch and all the different bonding behaviors that our children need our children need attention and they need attachment and they need love and they need time with us but that doesn't have to be in the form of getting on the floor and playing [[12:14]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=734s) a game you don't feel like playing and it doesn't have to mean taking away from their independence in fact I really like The Inchworm method right where we are apart and then together and then a part again and then together again and I like to think of quality over quantity I could spend and I was sitting on the floor playing with my kids but gradually or I could spend a focused meal time of 45 minutes together where we're really [[12:37]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=757s) there and I'm really listening and engaged and involved and my full attention is on them because I'm not distracted by my to-do list and so please don't think that one takes away from the other if your child's playing independently for hours a day all you need to say is thank you that's amazing that is wonderful for them that is wonderful for you get your stuff done take that rest do whatever you need to do and then when it's time to come [[13:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=782s) together again you will absolutely connect and find deep attachment connection and bonding so I hope I have really assuaded any guilty thoughts any worries around this and if you are really curious how can I get my child to play independently how do I set up my home and my language and my behaviors in a way that really minimizes all the nagging and whining and clinginess and increases the sense that my child has their own imaginative worlds that own [[13:30]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=810s) ability to self-entertain self-direct and dive deeply into that independent play where they can reap all those juicy benefits to their psychological well-being to their physical well-being to their academic achievements to their social skills to their self-regulation like everything that you want for your child is at the other end of independent play that all all these benefits are right there for the taking and it's all free to do because players natural players Mother Nature's A Gift To Us [[13:59]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVySx81P7Ow&t=839s) parents and to our children if you want to learn more about that head on over to reclaimplate.com you can dive into my free training you can take the course and in due course very soon you can read the book so make sure you're on my list so that you don't miss that coming out all right go forth enjoy hours of independent play and keep on living that high fam life