Just what can you expect when you make Special Time a regular practice?

0:19 hi there I'm patty with Fleur I am the founder and the program director at hand-in-hand parenting and today I want to talk about using special time as an enduring practice using special time to really weave it into your daily life kind of the same way you weave breakfast in every day or you leave you know shower or some you know bodily cleansing ritual in every day and doesn't have to

0:49 happen at the same time every day you know but there is an expectation you plan for it it's just part of what you do that's where we're really encouraging parents to even if it's just 5 or 10 minutes to make special time and enduring practice because it has really it's the practice that gives and keeps on giving over time so here I wanted to talk about what you can expect because

1:20 at this point I've been doing this work and have been both giving and watching parents give and following families that give special time and that use the other listening tools as well really it's special time is one it's kind of the leading tool but play listening is important setting limits is vital stay listening is what you do when your child has big feelings to unload and special time kind of opens the opens the door to your child really showing you what they

1:51 need and to you actually being able to interpret and understand their behavior accurately so it opens the door both for your child to you to show you what's going on and for you to see it understand it and and furnish you basically meet their core needs listening partnerships are the fifth tool and none of the tools work very well unless you are getting some listening times so that the tensions that build up every day as a

2:22 parent don't become a boulder that you and your child can't see around they can't see you around this Boulder of tension that you carry and you can't see them around this Boulder of tension that you carry and listening partnerships are what allow us to laugh and cry and rage that collection of difficulty feelings of difficulty that that gather over time for any parent in a society where parenting is really so poorly supported

2:53 you know you deserve the support that listening partnerships give and you and your child will actually be able to see and understand one another so much better if that's also an enduring practice so we're but today we're talking about special time as the lead tool this sort of the yeah the pioneering tool to open the doors to deeper understanding and a way to release stress so what to expect well

3:24 when you first start giving special time to your child there's I don't know four different typical ways that children respond to the first few times you offer special time or the first say ten times you've got your special time one way is a very slow and cautious approach where your child just asks for something that they'd like to do and that they want to do many times a day so if your child is

3:54 really into you know trains on a train track then what they want to do is play with their trains and you're just there to watch them play with their trains that's all they want you to do and that happens the first time it happens the second time now mommy let's play trains the third time the fourth time the fifth time or it could be a favorite storybook or it could be you know dressing Barbie or it could be that of riding their

4:25 trike fast down the sidewalk or I mean children have their passions and they're mild interests and it could be you know something like that just something you've done with them you do it anyway a special time or not and here they are special time you're all geared up for it to look special and doesn't look special at all it's like oh my gosh we've done this before didn't you want to do something special and you mustn't do

4:52 that you just allow so that's one way it can open it can open a little less cautious it actually opens cautiously because children need to check out what it means that you'll do whatever they want to do and they're not ready to expect too much no they don't but basically it's hard for children to get their hopes up if their hopes have been dashed many times before because parents are in charge of the relationship and have to say this happens and have to say

5:22 that so your child may be slow to open up just because it you know they don't know what you really mean so that's one possibility they may do mild exploration you know let's take a walk or let's make you know let's let's get out all the cans and bang on them in the kitchen that's a little more than mild exploration actually so it could be just you know that they are trying to figure

5:52 things out and so oops my husband is here you're on live Facebook TV you there could be enthusiastic exploration you know sort of moving up on the courage to check no child's ability to use their courage to ask for things that don't usually happen so they could say well can we jump on the beds and you can

6:24 go yeah I think I have to put something up against the bedpost so you don't hurt yourself but let me fix that okay there we go that's what you want to do right here so that's a sign that a child you know has some confidence that you will pay attention and you don't have to go through this very slow confidence-building thing which is not a bad sign like most children are cautious around you know whether to expect very

6:51 much from adults or not and it's fine just go through it it might take you 10 special times before they ask for anything very you know different or you know inventive but that is what it takes you can't suggest a special time that's inventive and have that work it has to be the child's choice so you follow their choice and then sort of on the other extreme it's like it may be that your child when you offer special time

7:20 comes up with an immediate issue don't don't turn on the timer I don't like the timer no not the timer and they may burst into tears and you haven't even gotten to special timey we're just gonna start timing it and they have a protest that brings up big feelings or sometimes it's like I don't know what to do there's nothing here to do you know and you get sort of boredom and what you and and what you need to know is that your

7:53 child is trusting you already you know to be there for the feelings that they have that's actually a sign that all is going very well it may be a bit of a disconcerting sign to you what's important is that you listen it's like really special time as you know it's listening through the vehicle of play and you can also listen through the vehicle of an upset you know there's nothing to do um okay well I'll just be

8:24 with you well you see if there's anything that comes to your mind you get to choose anything and no I'll be here maybe maybe your mind will think of something then you just basically be pleased with what's going on or they're having a huge fit over the timer yeah I did turn the timer on that's how we do special time we use a timer that starts and then little later it ends yeah

8:57 I'm sorry it upset you I'm right here I'll be here until it feels better so you take your stay listening position of you know okay something needs to be scrubbed out here you know the whole idea of special time was all it took for your child to take you up on the idea that you would really be with them for whatever they want to do and what they want to do is cry about the timer and

9:22 that is an excellent thing to do if the idea of the timer stopped their brain they're not gonna be able to choose anything interesting for special time until they clear that out whatever the disappointment is the timer is the excuse to go in and work on something bigger or something old so those are the various ways I'm sure there are other ways that you know the practice of special time can begin but those are the ones that can't in my mind this morning

9:49 okay and as you do special time safety will build as you prove that you can pay attention for ten minutes now as you prove that you can allow things that you usually wouldn't during that those ten minutes as you show your interest and you keep your interest in your warmth coming towards them even if you're both looking at something or they asked you to draw right next to them so that your

10:20 eyes are down on paper now as you make eye contact this builds a sense of safety it builds of feeling of your willingness to connect and that will open up this such an interesting process of your child showing you who they are what they love what they struggle with and during the vehicle of special time and they trust you more with you know what they're thinking outside of special time so as you do

10:52 special time over say the first month or two your child will suddenly begin telling you you know hey aunt Nora is all he's so busy how come she can't play you know and they never talked about Aunt Nora before like that and they never said that they noticed that Aunt Nora is you know kind of running on a fast track every time they see her so you know children's observations come out so one mom that I think I talked about earlier

11:23 or I often talk about started giving her son special time in the morning before school and within two weeks he was crying and telling her all of the troubles that he felt about his relationship with his dad who lived in a different place and he had to go back and forth between the households and she had never ever heard him his feelings about his relationship with his dad then took about two or three weeks of special

11:50 time before all of that came pouring out and she was so glad that he could relieve those feelings with her and you know the engine for that safety was special time so you'll hear more about what's hard on your child you also see that as you progress with using special time on a regular basis and stay listening when needed you will notice

12:20 that your child's behavior clears that there are fewer behavior hitches or that there are longer periods where new your child is delightful and cooperative and able to flex and enthusiastic about their life and then there will be these intensely emotional periods where they're hoping that you will listen to them while they get the tensions in their lives released with your help and your your caring and your confidence so life will

12:53 you know the difficulties and the troubles that your child carries will slowly but surely confine themselves to small intense periods that are very very emotionally intense but as you begin to trusts tailless name you'll you'll find that you're calm it's builds that although they are absolutely out of their mind with upset right now they will recover their their ability to think they'll recover their perspective all you have to do is stick with them listen and care so your

13:25 confidence in this whole emotional release process and in your child's wisdom in triggering it with tiny little things to bring up the great big feelings that lurk below will increase also and your trust in your child will increase and as you're using listening partnerships your enjoyment of your child will increase even when they are you know really off track you'll actually get the message and you'll know which tool to use to respond you'll have

13:56 a way to respond and if you don't know what how to respond or are really exhausted with having to respond you'll have confidence that your next listening partnership is going to take care of that even if it can't take care of that today so your ability to handle ups and downs of parenting the emotional rollercoaster that it is living with children and living with yourself as a parent you'll begin to have more and more confidence that you know what to do

14:24 or that you can soon figure that out as soon as you get some listening time so special time gives you slowly but surely a sense of trust in your child's judgment a sense that a cry is a good thing not an obnoxious thing or a bothersome thing or a total problem and you'll let's see and your child will begin to tell you more directly what

14:54 they need and how they need it so you can sorry I'm a little distracted by these questions coming in I'm gonna try to stay with my train of thought and we'll get to the questions if I can let's see-oh your child will tell you what they need so oftentimes the sign that special time has become a practice and your child is really depending on it is that your child says daddy I need some special time instead

15:28 of going and you know pushing their sister over or you know grabbing a toy from from a friend it's like what you get is I need some special time because your child can tell that they're you know that they're drifting out of your orbit of love and they know what will bring them back in what will help they help them have that sense of connection again and they ask for it and parents learn to respond to that because if you

15:57 don't then behavioral signals come out that are much harder to deal with that make everybody upset so that's that's a sign that things are going very well there's your child that's depending on special time they know how good it feels to be in connection with you and they know how to get there if you will if you will help them they don't have to use you know aggression or withdrawal or you know ops you know obstinacy or refusal

16:29 to show you that they're out of whack they just can tell you I'm almost out of whack how about special time and overtime special time becomes a problem solver it's like your child's behavior winds up you know being really really difficult over a period of a week or so it will occur to you you know I think we have to up special time I think there's something in there my child can't tell me I need to increase the safety so that

16:55 whatever that is can show itself either in a big cry over having to go to bed at 8 o'clock or over what I served for dinner or you know over I I don't want to read this book and I have to read this book for school so you will begin to be an adroit problem solver using special time and the other listening tools and so what I'll say about how children turn out when you and then in

17:29 in adolescents special time continues to be a very very useful tool it continues to be sort of an Avenue into each other when there's an awful lot of interesting other things going on and you may use special time less frequently I mean it's probably certainly will not be an everyday thing but it will be a way that your teen or creatine can show you what's important for them I think just

18:00 the personal example that comes to mind is that when my son turned 13 or 14 he still loved special time and really craved it and it's my older son and what he wanted to do for several times in a row is he got some he really loves music and he was really choosing his music it's like no it's that's the period of time in which young people try to show who they are through their music and

18:27 their clothing and and other external identifications that they carry that say this is me and he was really interested in music so he got two little speakers in for his bedroom tip so he could play the music he wanted in just the way he wanted to and for special time he would ask me to come in and lie down on the in a very particular place on his carpet in the middle of the room and then he would

18:56 adjust the speakers and measure them to make sure that they were exactly the same distance away from my ears if I laid them that spot he was very precise about this and then special time would begin when we had it all measured right and I would lie down and he would lie down next to me and then he would play his very favorite songs and as he played them he would lay there and just know visibly but know very mildly just

19:23 tremble because the music moved him and my attention gave him the feeling that he he was I don't know it just it just moved him to have me there and half the music and have us lying there together next to each other on his carpet so young people will and that was just such a such as surprising at first but also such a deeply trusting thing that happened for us and I I did not

19:55 particularly love his music but my opinions were not important what was important was he was showing me what he loved and he was completely open as he did it it was just such a pretty thing it was very very special to me so and sometimes teens will come in late at night and what you do is you know try to be awake and half alert at least so that

20:26 they can begin talking about all of the things that are on their minds and you want to end up doing unannounced special time where you really push yourself to pay full attention and you don't go get yourself a cup of tea or ask them if they want a cup of chocolate in the middle of it you just listen so in a way you train yourself to give special time even when you didn't say you were going

20:48 to if your child looks like they need listening or need the calm attention and during that time you give no advice you use the same special time rules so that begins to happen in 10 years you also get teen explosions and but special time helps keep repairing the relationship even when it's rocky even when you kind of lose sight of each other for a while and it can be I've worked with one dad

21:21 whose daughter that he divorced that his children's mom and the daughter was pretty alienated from him at the time of the divorce and then she went off to college and it had been two years since he had done very much with her at all and he just decided he wanted to rebuild that relationship and I I said well drive up there with no agenda whatsoever and just say you know I have the morning for you and wear whatever for our

21:55 five-hour chunk of time that you have and we can do anything you want or nothing at all during this time you don't have to be with me but I'm here and I'd be happy to go for a walk take you out for a meal see where you go to school see you know do anything you'd like and just open it up and don't demand that she take it just offer it and if she doesn't take anything and

22:20 just say okay well I'm here until 4 o'clock and if you think of something you know here's where I'll be then come find me at the park and just make yourself available but don't push yourself on her because you cannot force a relationship even if you're her father she needs to want it she needs to decide to take it and actually she did know she you know spent time with him I don't remember what they did exactly but she

22:45 took most of that time and then when she didn't feel like being with him anymore she said okay I gonna go be with my friends now and he was amazed actually that she you know took him up on this and he said okay well I'd like to do this again I'll be back in about three weeks I'll let you know she goes okay now and she came back and did this a second time and by the third time she

23:10 was telling him about her life and they were actually you know better connected than they've been in years even during the time when his relationship with her mom was so difficult and they were all living under the same roof so special time can be just a great way to sort of start from the very first principles in a relationship which is you make your attention available and you wait for the other person to decide to avail

23:41 themselves of what you're offering there and what I'll say is that young people who were brought up with the listening tools oh there's a chapter that the last chapter of the listen book talks about many of the young people that I know quite well because you know I was quite involved in their lives or in their parents lives and so I know knew a lot about how things had developed between their parents and them in childhood and then through

24:10 adolescence and what I can say is that children oh one other thing you can expect if there are young younger children around or siblings around one other thing you can expect is that your child will offer to give special time to other children and will be really good at it they will also be able to stay listen to other children and be really really good at it and that that ability starts actually very early little

24:41 two-year-olds can if they've been well listened to during their upsets they can come around and just quietly be with another child who's having a big upset and just and listen and pay attention and be very very interested in the child and they can't do this usually by themselves they need a parent you know there as well but they like to join in and add their attention to the parents attention so that's something it's not it's not going to crop up because you

25:12 want it to it will crop up when your child sort of little attention Cup is nice and full and some children for some children it takes a couple of years of working through early issues and having big cries about small things before you know they have the capacity to offer that same resource to someone else but it does come it does come so so I want to tell you two stories about young people who I know who used to have huge

25:44 cries when they were little I'm going to tell you first about a young man who was my both my son's good friend still is a very very close friend in our family and he I don't know that I remember listening to him for I think it was close to 40 minutes about you know it's time to pick up the blocks and he just would cry and wail and sweat and want to get away and it's like no we're not

26:12 gonna go anywhere else you know these blocks need to be picked up and I'm here and we'll find a way to I know that it's gonna be your job here we are you know and just let him grieve and fight and and hate the fact that the blacks had to be picked up and so you know he he was a lot of fun to play with he loved to wrestle loved to roughhouse loved to run around loved to laugh he

26:45 was great at it now all three of the boys together which is great at long good hard laughs and so there were many adventures had and then he went off to college and he didn't really know what he wanted to do and when I think it was the middle of freshman year he just decided he really wanted to learn how to play the guitar and you know that's good so he started taking guitar lessons I don't know if he

27:14 took them at the college he was at or privately but the more lessons he got then more in love he was with the guitar and priests and he was really spending a lot of time learning guitar and he made it through college but the guitar was just the thing he really wanted and he you know he wound up learning guitar very very quickly and very very well and he wound up you know starting guitar at 19 and applying for this very elite

27:46 Music School in Vienna to become a classical guitarist like in on the fast track and he got yen you know after four years of playing the guitar and really really focusing it's like he had intense focus and he knew what he wanted and he went after it with everything he had and so he went to Vienna to to school there he learned German he loved the school he became a really excellent classical guitarist

28:18 then he went to but but he missed being with people and he missed having something that actually helped people in a practical way so one summer I think maybe it was one semester he decided to leave school in Vienna and come back and work on the suicide hotline in his hometown it's home city and he was good at that he was listening to people with huge trouble and seemed knows how to listen and he had all felt

28:47 very good to him then he went back to music school and went on to graduate education at a university in France so he went to France learned French continued his work on guitar you know started performing and then decided no this is not what I want to do with my life he had become really of superb classical guitarist which is amazing having started in nineteen but I think at 23 or 24 he came back and started working for

29:18 the Recreation Department in a large city um in you know the Pacific type timezone and did really well and pretty soon he was in charge of I don't know something like a hundred and thirty-five recreation programs for disadvantaged kids all over his city and actually before that he played he ran a midnight basketball program for black kids in a neighborhood where there was a lot of

29:49 gang action and he was the only white person for probably miles around in that neighborhood and he's working with kids who really were and had a lot of gang involvement and as the only white person there he was often scared but he knew how to work on his feelings so he worked on his fears and worked on his fears and built really good solid respectful relationships with the guys who hung out at midnight basketball and it was a very

30:18 successful program he went up having to go to City Council which was a big deal because this is a large city and show up and fight for funds for midnight basketball which he did successfully then he mounted up working he has been working for the Recreation Department there for the last I think 15 years he has a very high position in that department at this point serving the needs of young people in particular young people coming from

30:46 advantaged backgrounds serving their needs for leadership and for something important to do and something some way to build community with other kids so that's and he has a child uses special time uses all the listening tools yeah so I don't know it's just so the capacities that this practice gives young people are are really great they get to follow their passions and and do it intelligently

31:17 I'll just tell you one more briefers story this is a young girl whose mom was on welfare for the first three or four years that she was learning hand in hand from me this is back way back at the very beginning of hand in hand and the she's her mom as a single mom she's African American girl and she was brought up with special time and all the

31:50 listening tools and when she went to I think I've told this story here before she went to college and got a couple of years doing what she loved but there was they were there was a faculty member who was emotionally abusive towards her and it kind of undermined her self-esteem for those two years that she was there and she began to get sick and began to lose weight and she was just not

32:21 thriving so she came back home and knew that she needed to work on the ways in which your self-esteem had been eroded by this person and and also on just early self-esteem issues so she started doing listening partnerships with other black friends that she had who were in their early 20s and trying to find their way in the world she started a weekly support group and she you know read stuff about leadership and she kind of

32:50 everybody in the support group listened to one another taking turns listening like we do in listening partnerships she basically used everything that she and absorbed from hand in hand in order to help herself and other young people in her same position who were targeted by racism you know in their young adulthood trying to figure out coming from a poverty and trying to figure out where what to do how to find work you know how to navigate the world

33:18 and that went on for I think a couple of years and she has gone on to found a an organization that empowers young women of color young you know like early early 20s in a university town in on the East Coast and it's been very very successful at this so using the tools really does free a child's intelligence it preserves a child's intelligence it preserves the

33:49 values of connection and of you know taking responsibility for your life and for making the world a better place all of that seems to keep coming out of children who were raised in this way it's like they have the capacity to care more broadly as well as to really tend their close personal relationships well and all of these young people have made mistakes I will say they they all have you know their ups and downs they've

34:19 been through hard patches and their parents they do rely on their parents at times for listening when the chips are down so that they can keep bouncing back and so our jobs as parents in my experience anyway don't end when the child goes off at age 18 or 22 you know follow their their own path they keep coming back and keep using us as a listener because we care because we understand them deeply because they have

34:50 a whole 10 or 15 years of experience of us caring through listening so I don't know how the thing how things will work out for you those very first steps of just starting with special time and then waiting for the feelings to be safe enough to erupt then learning how to stay listen and getting some play in there too sometimes lots of laughter is good and setting necessary limits that's like it none and it's easy

35:20 none of it is a piece of cake you know none of it gets easier over time necessarily although your confidence will build you still will have emotional projects you know because all of a sudden you're worried about something that you haven't really worked on before and your worries can can be lower after you work on them and notice them so I'm gonna look I'm just I think I've said way too much for this little Facebook live here but let me see if there are

35:50 questions that I can quickly answer so if we set the timer and big feelings come out are we starting a special time after the big feelings or if there isn't that much time is the letting out of feelings this special time you really can do either you know if you I would say you set the timer and that's the beginning and special time and then your child has an explosion you know oh that's not what I want you know and you

36:18 just go well you know the timer is part of special time it is what we do to start it so we know that I'm really gonna pay attention and then I'm not gonna be interrupted it helps me know that but I don't want it I don't want it you know it's gonna go off and then it's gonna be over yeah it will go off and it will be over but we can do it again I don't want to do it get in there do it

36:41 Mel I want more the timer makes it less well I'm right here and I'm sorry it's hard and you don't you don't have to make it better you don't have to make it better and when the timer goes off and they're still crying you just go oh well we'll do special time again but I didn't want it to be I know you didn't I'll stay with you till it feels better and

37:13 what in general when a child is just beginning there are huge feelings that can go on for a long time and so you want to set up special time so that you aren't running off to the doctors the minute it's over you want to set up special time so there is you know some slack be at the end of it so that if your shawl that started a big cry or if at the end of a special time they're crying because

37:40 now it's over you actually can move in and listen there's a lot of held feelings behind that dam of I have to look okay in order to make my parents feel like you know everything's all right and when you show them that you can pay attention and that however they are is okay with a boom you know you're gonna get a lot of feelings and for a period of a while you know feelings are going to come up often and intensely and

38:11 when they come up there the child is gonna notice that you're listening and they're gonna want to keep going so what you want to do really is shift things around so that you can pay attention because when children are working deeply is when they are they are creating the change that is going to make your life with your child so much better your child's attitude their hope their trust in you all of that can be elevated

38:39 greatly by one big chunk of listening time if you really can't listen you know then and they're crying and now they're crying even harder because now the timer went off and their special time is over you can just you know what would be really good would be to go sweetie I'm gonna have to pick you up and put you on my back because we have to you know do X Y or Z I have to make lunch for your

39:06 little baby sister I'm gonna put you on my back and just kind of hold their hand let them hang on to your leg put them on your hip and then do the other things you need to do while they continue and and you just you know yeah special time will be different tomorrow yeah I don't want it tomorrow I wanted it now yeah well I'm sorry we will get there and you basically just let them keep

39:35 scrubbing they are scrubbing hard at very important stuff to scrub out and so if you can keep just allowing the crying and paying a little bit of attention there while you do these other things over here or while you you know text someone hey can we do X Y or Z and a half an hour and busy right now that that would be the best thing and if not then just tell them you love them and

40:01 pull them close and just basically keep them close by so that your love can be felt and your permission to keep working hard on those feelings can be felt that's yeah that's what I would say there okay so you can either extend special time or you cannot but no matter what you do they're still gonna be you know feelings they've tapped into something that's you know goes way down deep and gets rich and full and they're

40:32 the instinct to heal is going strong yeah all of that is good so let's see oh yeah I'm supposed to mention I'm sorry so there's a special time toolkit and you can just go to the hand-in-hand website and type in special time toolkit or I'm sure there are you know links being put out on Facebook that you can click in order to get your you know a little special time workbook and a list of how to do special time and

41:07 other other goodies there that will help you kind of organize your thinking about special time and we'll help you begin the practice once you've begun the practice and have seen some really good results from the way your child is feeling you there you'll kind of you'll get comfortable with it but the tool kit that's a good way to get started yet we asked for this X taller donation for the toolkit because hand in hand needs to keep reaching out

41:36 to parents like you we really want parenting to change from you know demand and control to listen and guide and and limits for sure but listen and guide so that parents and children don't lose the joy in really feeling together feeling connected with one another so let's see it's here does your young one need us oh sorry

42:11 what's the recommended amount of time to start with recommended amount of time to start with is however long you can pay attention I once worked with a guy in a corporate it was a corporate parent support group who had been so closely and severely controlled in his childhood that he told me he couldn't spend more than three minutes with one of his children without telling them what to do telling them how to open the door you

42:41 know how to walk up the stairs you know where did where to put their toy I mean basically he just noticed this as soon as he tried to do special times like I just I have to tell them what to do it was a very strong emotionally backed impulse and so for him two minutes of special time was a good idea because it wasn't he wasn't kind of like bursting with direction by three minutes so we

43:10 you know he started with two minutes and slowly but surely he learned that the world you know this the son kept rising if he didn't give direction during two minutes with his child and he sort of slowly slowly got the feel of this and could slowly open up his ability to listen for three minutes and then listen for four minutes meanwhile in our support group he was working on how it had felt to be a child with his parents

43:41 who didn't trust him for a minute with his own instincts or his own decisions and that so that was such an interesting experience and and I've sad that some people have to grow up with that much you know parental interference but it was all well meant and he knew it and you know he could move from the parents can always move from where they are they can always move from where they are so if you can't pay

44:12 attention for more than three minutes start with two you know start with something that's a little bit not not out there on the edge of what's comfortable for you um in general as you train yourself to pay attention and as your child learns to use your attention they want more and if you have more then go ahead and give more but if you've got four children and only a little bit of time then you do ten minutes with this

44:39 one on Mondays and ten minutes with the next one on Tuesdays in ten minutes with the third on Wednesdays and ten minutes with the fourth on Thursdays and then you start again with ten minutes with the first and that's what you can do or some parents just can't figure it out on you know on weeknights so they do a chunk of time that's a little longer twenty minutes maybe or and if you think that your child is going to do something

45:06 that just makes your hair stand on end during special time then you just do five minutes or three minutes it's like oh you want to bang on the pots and pans Oh make a drum set okay I'm putting on my headphones and we're gonna do this for five minutes you know and then you hop in and do it with joy and then special time is over and if your child's disappointed you have a little listening to do which is a little you know can

45:34 also be challenging like the pots and pans but sometimes it's less so and you've got noise cancelling earphones or some kind of you know earplugs to sort of mitigate the the way the child's voice grates on your nurse thank you for sticking with me this has been way longer than I thought it would be I think next week we're gonna do a QA on special time it'll it'll be my last sort of special time Facebook live on

46:04 Thursday but I'll be back here for other reasons other times so I hope you can come and thank you so much for trying this new idea thank you so much for the love you have for your children thank you so much for all the extra emotional work you're doing to make it through every day during the shelter-in-place orders that most of us are under this is the parenting is a lot for parents and

46:37 now you're being asked for three times as much and we understand we stand with you we think special time will help and we we know listening partnerships will ease your mind and easier life in unexpected ways so experiment have at it talk to you next week bye