Teaching Kids to Be Responsible for Their Actions | Ep. 14

0:00 [Music] welcome parents welcome to the connected families podcast I'm Stacy belward I'm so glad you're here today with us I hope you're doing really great enjoying your kids today my oldest got her permit this week so craziness well you're going to want to pay close attention to our topic for today this is the fourth episode in our Series where we've been going through the framework that we teach in the discipline that connects online

0:30 course and so the message that we're talking about today is you are responsible it's often the message that parents come to us really wanting answered and the reason is because I'm sure sometime in the last week you've shouted out to your kids that is it you are losing your screen time right now for the next two weeks we've all done it that's for sure and so we're going to be talking about how to hold your children responsible

0:57 for their actions today it's a great topic let me invite Jim and Lynn Jackson to the microphone they're the founders of connected families and the teachers of the course the online course that we're talking about hi Jim and Lynn hello hello hey Stacey how are you guys doing today we're excited we're ready to roll this out just a little bit and help parents understand this thing they come to us for how do I help my kid take

1:17 responsibility that's right and it's the top of our framework and we kind of like to say for the listeners they can't see it visually it's kind of a triangle that's sort of smashed on the top and so we've been covering the foundation of it all and now we're at the very top of it so you are responsible for your actions yeah and the power of this framework to help parents lead their children toward true responsibility has been so profound

1:42 that we just continue time and time and time again to invite parents to start thinking this way about how they guide their kids towards responsibility because what you said it parents want responsibility and they want it now y um and what we tell parents in short is if you want it now in a way that leads well into the future then start thinking through the lens of this framework because misbehavior is like the tip of the iceberg and there's a big Mass

2:06 underneath it that if we're attentive to it it will be helpful not just to us and our efforts long term but it will be helpful to our kids to come to truly Embrace a sense of responsibility to make right what their actions have made wrong you know that's where this framework is it's like parents come to us Lynn right and they say what should I do in my child misbehave so answer quickly through the lens of the

2:26 framework my child just misbehave a certain way what should I do so the framework really is built on the foundation of what's going on with the parent and that's a bit about um really paying attention to our inner angst as we engage with our kids and exchanging that for God's grace and truth so that we can communicate a message you are safe with me and then as we are safe with our kids we can connect with them

2:49 just ways of expressing unconditional love which often just brings a child to repentance right away but sometimes it doesn't but on top of that then is the is a principle about coaching our kids towards just better choices better use of their gifts and it really communicates a message you are called and capable you can do better than this and I can help you we can solve this we can problem solve it you can figure out what to do here and a lot of times

3:15 that's all that's needed in a situation but sometimes kids are resistant and then we go to the next level which is the correction part where we communicate a message well child you are responsible for your actions to make right what you've made wrong that's really good so that was just the summary of our framework and each one of those messages we have a whole podcast on so now we're at that last one like we said you're

3:38 responsible so Jim just unpack that you are responsible for your actions and some of what we teach in the online course about that yeah I actually had a conversation recently with a dad who wanted to know in a nutshell how does this work it's like take a breath before you engage with your child that's that foundational thing dad take a breath make sure before you engage with accountability your child knows that you love them say I love you put a hand on

4:00 the back whatever it takes just take a breath communicate love then remind a child that you know they're capable of doing good things cuz they've done some good things before compliment them on something they've done in the past now it's time for you to take responsibility child for what you've done and the way that I'm going to invite you to take responsibility is to make right what you've made wrong if you hurt somebody then you have a relationship that needs

4:22 to restore so until you're ready to do that take a break some parents call this a timeout we don't it's just like just take a break until you're ready to make right what you've made wrong I love that phrase make right what you've made wrong what's the language how do you talk about that or teach your kids about what that means it's really helpful to build a value of making things right outside of the time when it actually happens so

4:44 it's building a value of reconciliation in your home where you talk about how our relationships would be connected and can return to this place of connection and forgiveness when we've messed up and done something wrong so kids have a context for it when that actually happens and then as about inviting them into the process of wow this really didn't go so well did it what would you like to do about that how would you like to make this right and when it's done

5:08 with just a heart of boy I really want to see you succeed at having close connected relationships again then our kids often respond with yeah I would like that versus you need to make this right young man you know that's that's a whole different set of messages under the surface well and what I recognize as you give that example is that there were many times as a young dad that I needed to make some things right because my

5:31 approach to disciplining my kids was unsafe it scared them it shamed them and I had done wrong and so I had done wrong in inviting my kids to do right and before I can expect them to take responsibility to make things right I had to lead the way and so I would go to my kids and say you know how I yelled at you when you went in the refrigerator before dinner I'm so sorry that was not

5:51 the message I wanted to communicate to you you know it's not okay to go in the refrigerator but what I said to you is that you're a bad person and that I don't like you because you went in the refrigerator I didn't say those words but I know that's the message that I gave to you I'd like to make that right and what I'd like to say is that I love you I believe in your ability to develop

6:08 self-control and I know you're struggling right now and so I want to do some things to help you not go in the refrigerator before dinner and here's those things so you're modeling it's a modeling of making right what I've made wrong our kids need to know that we're human yeah and that we make mistakes and sometimes the best way to help them learn the value of making right what they've made wrong is to just show them

6:29 what it looks like cuz they see what we make wrong and an awful lot of the time what we make wrong we do in a more sophisticated way than they do and it's a little more sophisticated but our kids know they see right through it all and they start to recognize and and understand yeah you're asking me to apologize but you haven't apologized yet yeah I wonder how do you have that conversation about what you did make

6:48 wrong right so something happened what did go wrong with the child you mean like so child you did this thing you made something wrong what is it yeah okay so we talk about that through the lens of this term called natural impact and helping kids understand that your behavior led to a certain outcome not something I'm going to do to you or some consequence that's going to get imposed on you but there's actually a set of

7:09 stuff that's in place right Lynn things that automatically happen when no adult is around to give consequences so for example if I'm four and I am careless and disobedient and go into the living room and break something what's the natural impact that the natural impact is we have something that's broken it needs to be cleaned up it might need to be be replaced something that was special to someone perhaps was was broken and that person is sad M so then

7:36 you know what we tend to do when our child disobeys us goes in the living room and breaks something and say that's naughty you shouldn't have done that I've told you before not to do that you're going to be disciplined now and the discipline is then some painful experience that we expect will teach the child not to go into the living room and break things anymore and it might because they're afraid of what's going to happen if they do but it hasn't

7:53 taught them any of the wisdom about making right about restoring what their action made wrong so they don't know about the sad feelings that somebody had they don't know about what it takes to clean up the mess they don't know about the money that's needed to purchase another one just like it because we just punish them with a painful thing rather than invite them into the process of making right what they've made wrong in order to help them develop a value of

8:16 taking responsibility for their actions it's also wisdom that you're building in them and then they grow wisdom about what happened cause effect wisdom when I behave this way here's what happens to other people not me so ly you're a coach and you coach families every day every week lots of them I'm sure you have lots of practical examples about this can you give us one oh yeah I got a fun email story from a mom a while ago who was

8:40 really working to shift from just anger and Punishment to make it right consequences and this is what she writes our son Jake often hits his brother Ian after one such incident instead of getting angry like usual and punishing Jake I calmly asked him if this was a good thing or not such a good thing not such a good thing Jake replied seeing that he felt bad on his own instead of due to my punishment I then asked him

9:04 what he thought he could do to help him remember that he shouldn't hit Ian as if he just made a brilliant Discovery Jake announced we could make a chart he was really into charts at that point so he traced his hand and Drew a stick figure near it I asked him about his drawing and he told me it was a picture of his hand and a picture of Ian above it he wrote the word no and then he asked me

9:27 to help him spell hitting he made two more pictures depicting no pushing and no taking toys away from Ian so he went above and beyond we hung the pictures in a prominent spot Jake apologized to his brother and all was fine the next day little brother annoyed Jake again Jake got upset walked over to Ian and told him to stop I thought things would get heated like usual but Jake ran out of the kitchen and down the hall he

9:54 returned with a smile on his face and proudly said mom Mom I was going to hit Ian and I didn't I ran to look at my chart and I saw no hitting and I didn't hit Ian he was smiling from earto ear clearly pleased with himself and the outcome I told him that using his self-control was really helpful and it was a grownup thing to do he just kept smiling what a great example of a parent

10:20 helping a child understand and own the natural impacts and take responsibility in such a in such a heartfelt real sort of away yeah she just really felt for her child and he knew it that was the key wasn't it and that's what facilitated his creativity cuz he put a lot of creativity into that solution and he couldn't have done that if his brain was in fight or flight because the brain automatically shuts that down right what

10:46 happens we as parents get angry we bring our anger maybe even to a logical solution to all of this but because we're angry at our child and I've asked many children why did you get punished the way you got punished and they don't say because of what they did they say because mom or dad was mad and so the focus is off of the behavior and on to the parent when our big emotions complicate things for our little kiddos

11:06 to learn this and that sends them right into fight or flight it sends them into fight or flight and then what they're responsible for isn't their behavior and their actions and making right what they've made wrong over here they feel a sense of responsibility which is a very heavy weight for their parents emotional well-being and I love the fact that God doesn't let us just take a little parenting tool even this one of make it right consequences and use it with a

11:27 hurtful heart cuz when it does it's like it almost always backfires and that's a good thing actually it's good that it backfires when we use a parenting trick or tool with a hurtful heart towards our child because it holds us accountable for a loving heart towards our kids that's why we always talk about doing kind of all the messages at once you're safe and loved and you are capable and responsible I love that because we love

11:52 to offer a lot of free re resources here at Connected families and we have a lot of them on our website but I want everyone to know if you go to our show notes we are offering a free ebook that we call four messages every child longs to hear it's an abbreviated version of a description of these messages that we're talking about right now this is abbreviated the online course that we've been talking about today goes into depth

12:16 on all of those messages so if you want to just get a taste of what the online course would be like and the content that we would teach go to our show notes and download that free ebook for the rest of our time let's break this message down very practically Jim and Lin and apply it to real life situations how does that sound that sounds great awesome and I've got one right on the tip of my t let's see if it's the same

12:38 one that I do our children missing the bus missing the bus that was morning I doubt that ever happen ever being very distractable and not very focused during their morning routine and then oh I missed the bus mom will you take me right yeah I miss the bus will you take me and then we would get frustrated and tell the kids how I told you not to miss the bus and now I'm going to have to be late and

13:01 you're in trouble and you're going to have to be grounded or I'm going to have to nag you better next time to get you to get on the bus on time you better we didn't say that but that was how we felt so the next day what it looked like was are you ready are you ready are you ready you're still not ready blow up and they still miss the bus mhm Jim have you been in my house it's getting a little

13:20 too personal here well you know it was ramping up to become more and more contentious there were more and more hurt feelings that were happening as a result of this you know more and more anger that Lynn and I had like isn't there a verse in the Bible somewhere that says children don't exasperate your parents I don't think so darling no no no there's not but they were and then there is a verse in the Bible that says

13:40 parents don't exasperate your kids and the way we were responding exasperated them more and more and more because why because we were working harder to take responsibility for them getting on the bus than they were and when parents do that they rob their kids of the opportunity to learn responsibility to learn to take responsibility to make right what they've made wrong to orchestrate things so that they don't go wrong in the first place and we were

14:02 robbing our kids the opportunity so we tried to work with our kids and get very practical about the steps we'd take to help them become more responsible say just quickly what those were L please tell us that's what we want to hear our ears are tingling well we first of all said you know what this is not a good cycle with us just nagging nagging nagging because it's it's communicating you're not responsible for yourself and I know that you can do that we literally

14:25 apologized to our kids for how we had engaged with getting them to get on the bus and then we said said from now on it's your job you're responsible to get yourself ready in the morning if you need a ride there's two ways that you can obtain a ride from us one is to pay taxi fair K pause because I need to know how old your kids are at this point early grade school early grade school

14:44 like second third grade okay yeah as soon as they started earning allowance they started paying into the family bank so it was basically whatever time it takes for me to drive you is time that you will need to compensate me for and that can either be in paying taxi fair and I remember charging $5 a ride which was a pretty substantial amount back in back in those days before for a third grader that's right or they could do

15:09 double the amount of my time or Jim's time in Shores later that day oh I like that so much that's and plages like screen time or friends were on hold until that was accomplished so if your behavior leads to Mom or I needing to make some sort of an investment in you getting to school then that investment is something we expect you to pay back to make right with us you've taken money out of our pocket you've taken time out

15:33 of our pocket it's your job to put that money and or time back in our pocket and there are parents who will say to us well what if my kid doesn't care you know so the school also has consequences for treny and for lateness and for different things like that in place and so then it's like if if you decide you don't want to go to school today based on this system then we'll need to enlist

15:50 the people at school who will help you figure that out and figure out what it means to just decide to miss school because that's a bigger deal than just what happens at home there's actually laws about that right so what I'm hearing you say is that you stepped back from a situation that was not working you had a problem essentially in your family and you needed to come up with a solution sometimes I just feel like

16:11 parents maybe need to hear that we run run run run run we're not stepping back and thinking wait a minute this is not working for our family I need to spend some time being intentional about that and setting up a new system Y and that's the start of some change trying doing something different but the different isn't to get my kid to do the right thing what are the tricks I can put in place the difference is what's the new

16:36 way the different way that I'm going to put these messages into play around this issue because it may not be as simple for some parents as it was for Lyn and I to put some things in place that motivated our kids to take responsibility ultimately to get on the bus and get to school there may be more in place there may be there's something going on at school kids don't want to go and we don't even know about that yet

16:54 and they're behaving in a certain way to get out of going to school and so but how do we stay safe how do we stay loving how do we continue to build their sense of capability to solve this issue and then keep them responsible for what they're responsible for it's an art it's not a science that's learned by learning to stay loyal to these four messages as we do our work I love that and we go

17:15 into depth on this area of you are responsible in the online course I love our very last session has a bunch of real role plays where we've take real life situations that people deal with like scen time which is the all-time favorite I think for most parents right and we walk it through we walk through the framework of all four messages and how a parent could deal with that thanks Jim and Lynn for being with us today

17:40 these messages are important we've touched on your responsible today the online course goes into it in depth and so I just welcome everyone who has listened to today's podcast check out the information on our show notes and find out all that you want to on the discipline that connects with your child heart because there's a lot of information there that can guide your parenting so thanks for joining us today we're glad you were here until next

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