Am I Good Enough to Parent?

0:00 [Music] hello hello welcome to a new episode of parenting and you with me Dr shaali if there's one question that runs through every humans but certainly every parents mind at least thousand times a day it's this am I good enough H I cannot tell you how many times I myself battled this question just yet yesterday am I good

0:31 enough is what I'm saying to my child going to be useful is it going to be valuable is my child going to turn out okay this is the universal parental concern and understandably so listen it's a tough life out there and we want to give our children everything of the best but I always remind parents that what they think is the best as in the best education the best advice the best best lessons the best sermons the best

1:02 things are often not what our children need coming up next I'm going to be joined by an older parent a parent who had her children much later in life and now she's consumed with worry about what will happen to them when she passes on I think every parent is going to relate with this next story you know as parents we worry so much about what's

1:35 going to happen to our children when we're not around especially when we die and death as we know is inevitable but our concerns for our children seem often insurmountable how will they manage what will happen if they forget about me or forget about all the values I have instilled in them this is such a ubiquitous phenomenon in US parents so this next story is Karen's story Karen

2:08 is a mother of triplets and she is a 65-year-old mother who is concerned about how her children will be when she passes on will they remember all the values she's instilled in them will they remember her culture what will happen to them once she passes on so here's Karen welcome thank you so much for being here so Karen tell us just briefly what concerns you what worries

2:39 you what keeps you up at night well you know having the children late I was so grateful with the opportunity to have children I didn't expect to have them and so it was just a gift and so now that I have this wonderful gift and they're wonderful children it's just that i' lost my mother a few years back you know I was in my late 50s when I lost her and I realized I had her for so

3:06 long and how grateful I was to have that opportunity to have her that long and she was such an instrumental part of my life and then I realized oh my God my kids won't have me until that point and then I started to wonder oh my God what's gonna happen when I go They're not going to be in their late 50s so be much younger and since then I really gave it a lot of thought and then after

3:33 that I ended up getting divorced which was so traumatic for the entire family but it was really because of values I realized how important values are especially that everything's going on and you want to make sure your children are on the right side of things and that they remain there that's my big thing for them I really find the things that I value the most is kindness and good and you know making sure that they keep that

4:03 going and my mom was very instrumental and and my grandmother before that in that path and I'm thinking what happens when I'm gone will they forget will they change will they pick up different values and so that's where it all began was when I lost my mom so you had your children when you were 50 years old so that is a little bit you know quote unquote late of of course there's no such thing as being late everything is

4:32 always happening at the time it's supposed to happen but because you had them a little later and now they're 15 and you just experienced the passing of your mother what I observed you say is that one after the other you had this Domino of concern you got a divorce there was this explosion so I just want us to notice how we get triggered by the external events in our lives and that's sends us spiraling but let's go to a

5:02 problem that I think many parents have so many of our listeners right now could relate to this which is what will happen when right so just that we are constantly wondering what will happen when and it's typically something in the future in your case you've decided to Center your anxieties around your death now Karen you and I both know you could outlive all of us right all of us two

5:34 times over but yet because you just experience the death of your own mother and I'm sure you're still processing that grief immediately you now transfer that grief we call that a projection you project that grief onto your children oh what if they experience the same grief this is what we parents typically do we do two things we live in the future and we project how we are and what we feel

6:05 and our relationship with the significant others in our lives onto our children so you're doing this I'm experiencing so much loss I'm feeling so much grief around my mother oh my goodness what if my children experienced this too and now you're just caught up in this spiral of concern and anxiety so let me ask you when you think these thoughts and it sounds like it's an avalanche does it end up making you feel better or worse

6:39 now I know it's a simple question but just go with me here I feel worse you feel worse yeah it it does does it make you feel less energetic or more energetic less energetic exactly does it make you feel like ah I'm going to have the best day I'm going to live my life to the fullest or does it make you feel oh my goodness I don't have much time left what is going to happen to my

7:09 children I'm just so miserable let me just eat some popcorn and drown myself in my sorrows which one actually I do the opposite I do lots of yoga okay good I'm really trying to keep myself very fit and make sure my children don't see me as oh poor mom you know she's getting old I keep up with them very much yes like just this past Friday we went to Cony Island in New York and I got on all

7:35 the rides with them I went on the roll good but I don't want you to have to try you see the listeners are not seeing you right now but if they could they would see a hugely energetic person I've never seen a 65-year-old look so young and you look vibrant that's the more important thing you look energetic you look enthusiastic and so these thoughts that you're having are controlling your mind

8:06 and that's what we humans are so good at doing we create stories about a future event that we don't even know when it will happen but then those thoughts influence our mood now the next thing we do as parents which is more unique to us parents we want to control how our children will turn out so like you said I'm just worried about their values and how they will live the values I've given

8:37 them guess what now this may come as a surprise to most parents so just you know brace yourself you don't get to have the right to control how your children turn out guess what you have a right to there's only one thing you have a right to do you know what that is myself yes how how you turn out right now you don't even have a right to say you know what I want to have a control

9:08 over how I turn out in 6 minutes you don't even have a control over that so you don't even have a control over how you will be tomorrow but look at as parents we want to control how our children will be posthumously like when we're dead and gone that speaks to your desire for a lot of control doesn't it Karen yes it does yes like you're a master Puppeteer and you want to keep creating your children and you know that you're not

9:39 their creator you know that you're not the mass Puppeteer in control of their lives you know that the divorce happened out of your prediction you know that life is just ready to throw us a wild curve and the more we seek to control the less control we have in the moment yeah well it makes sense now but when you're in that train of thought it kind of overwhelms you and it takes you in a different place yes I take

10:10 responsibility in myself that I keep myself healthy I do the things I can do for myself to project a good image to my children and it's good for me it can't hurt that I'm taking really good care of myself for them but I realized that's probably the only thing I actually have control all over you're making it sound as if it's like oh that's that's all I constellation yes it's just like oh my God 10th prize right here's the thing

10:40 that is the way to live life and we have forgotten that this is where our Focus needs to be we have pretended as if we have this NeverEnding control of our children for the future this is a delusional way of thinking and people you know especially parents have this delusion of grandeur that they get to influence their children forever I want you to shift that let's reframe that and

11:11 say instead to ourselves wow I get to be alive right now look how much power I have over my moods my emotion my energy my vibe right now and let me not treat this like a consolation prize let me treat this as the Supreme gift of the universe to myself that I get to be here right now and the minute we come into the present moment it's like wow the

11:42 spaceship has landed I've come back home I'm right here right now I mean at least whenever I do that when I just make a decision to get off that train which is going speeding downhill toward the future that I can't control and I say to myself get off the the train chiali and I get off the train I just come back into my body and I feel so grateful that I have this life this body this child in

12:09 front of me and I maximize what I can control which is my mood my energy right here right now I don't treat it like oh that's all I have or let me make the best of it or let me try really hard to be positive I genuinely come from a Wellspring of abundance and I can see that you have that potential Karen you have it you're just allowing yourself to go on that train downhill into the

12:40 future how can you make a commitment right living intentionally is not an accident it's a Daily Commitment especially with our children whether they're two they're 15 or 35 or to any human any intimate relationship to show up with intention takes a commitment you know me telling you this is not going to do it you reading a py maxim on the internet is not going to do it you have

13:12 to really embody that and commit to it and declare each day wow I get to make a difference in my life and those I love today so many parents live in regret about the past I'm sure you've had thoughts about you know oh my goodness the divorce and why did I wait so long to have these children and what if what if what if we do that for the past and then we do it for the future right we

13:41 try to design the future but we can't we need to live here right now and guess what your children are 15 they are in the fountain of their youth they are full of life and jiv they are here to suck your energy and take it and run with it so the more you give them right now that's how you can ensure that your legacy lives on even though wanting our Legacy to live on is such a superior

14:12 thing you know such an act of like oh I'm so Superior I know you don't mean it that way but the best moments that your children are going to remember in the future whether you're living or dead is how did Mommy show up in the most ordinary of moments on that roller coaster making those pancakes laughing loudly in the sun that's what our children remember see we think we need to leave them with history lessons let me tell

14:39 you about how my ancestors lived and how your grandmother lived when she was a teenager our children don't need history lessons they need our presence and you have so much presence to give them well that's so true it's so true so how are you going to make make a commitment tell us Karen I started I really did the beginning of the year I really did start going back to yoga and being more committed to my diets and you know to

15:12 take better care of myself because I wanted to live longer that was the goal so now I have to do what you're telling is to be present in the moment be with them and not worrying about the things that I'm worrying about because I do worry a lot I worry oh my God what if this happen and and then you look at the views and you get more paranoid about other things and and it just compounds

15:34 itself so I think just to be present in the moment with whatever is happening it's probably you know the best advice I could take it's a commitment and it's something that it's a practice like yoga like anything I have to get up and just make sure that I come back to myself because when I'm with myself fully then I'm with them fully and I think that that's probably the best thing I could do it sounds so simple and you know you

16:05 thought you would think you could just think of that but I didn't it's so it's so eloquently elegant and simple this is the beauty of life it's actually so simple to live a bountiful life but we humans like to go in our head and overproduce reality and overthink think and over worry and that's an unproductive way of trying to control our uncontrollable life right that's our

16:38 attempt so you have been amazing when you said when I show up for myself I show up for others I literally had Goose flesh all over my body you hit it on the head that's it when we show up for ourselves when we show up to our present moment with our fullness with our abundance with our Radiance and resplendence our children bask in that energy and we don't have to say a word it is that way of living that they

17:10 absorb you know parents think we need to give sermons and opinions and wisdom and jewels and history lessons right no our children pick up on how we energetically are in the present moment that's what your greatest Legacy is as a parent so thank you so much for sharing and being vulnerable thank you so much that was such great advice thank you ah being in Intimate Relationships are so hard aren't they especially the ones we have

17:42 with our partners and our children if only we had a magic wand that we could control them that they would do as we wanted talk like we wanted know exactly how to please us and just follow our script just do as we say we would all be so happy we'd all get along well sadly the people we are in relationships with they want the same thing for themselves they want to be in control of themselves damn it and therefore we often get into

18:15 Power struggles with them because they are seeking control for their own life for their own thoughts and we are seeking control over them so in order for us parents to be the most conscious parents possible especially parents and children is to release our children into their own knowing now this relinquishment of control takes enormous wisdom and Consciousness on the part of

18:46 the parent it is so hard for a parent to relinquish control over their children we want to control how they think their moods what they will do when we die we want to basically make sure that they are okay according to our vision of okay even if they say they're okay but it doesn't match our vision we have a problem so therefore in order to be the most conscious and accepting of our

19:17 children we need to release control over them I write in my book The Parenting map there's a whole chapter on releasing control because that's how hard it is I write ah to dance the fine line of taking care but not taking over is a perilous one indeed how to be there but not everywhere how to love but not smother how to walk beside but not

19:51 overstep how to attune but not aost ah now this is the art and and heart of being a conscious parent and I would say it's the art and heart of being a conscious human because even in our intimate relationships we seek this control coming up next you're going to hear from a young woman who is grappling with a life-changing decision should I become a mom or not and more importantly

20:21 will I be good enough you know whenever I talk to young adults who are on the brink of making that lifechanging decision should I become a parent or not one of the concerns I keep hearing is what if I pass down all my emotional trauma what if I pass down all my family's dysfunction oh my goodness how will I handle it how will my child handle it and that's exactly how our next guest is

20:53 feeling joining me now is a young woman who is trying to make a a life-changing decision should I be a parent or not should I become a mother and will I be good enough welcome Jazz hi Dr chaali thank you for having me I'm so happy you're here so I know that you've been suffering some losses so tell us a little bit about that so I recently just lost my grandparents both who raised me my biological parents split up when I

21:23 was very young since then my grandparents raised me and last year I lost both of them on expectedly within 3 weeks of each other and I just feel like a very big void and loss in my life it's bringing up some childhood trauma and abandonment issues that I've personally dealt with now that I'm 35 and one day want to have my own family I just want to make sure that I have the right Tools around me so that I can heal from that

21:50 trauma so that when I have my own children one day it's not something that I'm passing along to them wow so I'm you know offering you my condolences I can see that this is so hard for you uh you lost your essential you know closest family so let me just understand you were adopted by your grandparents so your biological parents put you up for adoption when you were very young I'm not adopted but my biological father got

22:19 a legal custody but since both of my biological parents got remarried my paternal grandparents had decided at a very young age that they were going to raise me so I grew up living with them sharing a bed with them and with my grandma and that's what I've known to be my parents would you say that your attachment your security your connection with your biological parents is shaky yes I haven't had any contact with my

22:50 biological mother since maybe the age of four and my biological dad got remarried as well so our relationship really hasn't been so much of a father daughter relationship so your main maternal figure in your life was your grandmother yes and how would you describe that relationship with your grandparents very strong strong semi strong I would say fairly strong I always looked at them as my parents you know they were the ones that picked me up from school took me to

23:20 my doctor's appointment help put me through nursing school you're explaining how present they were in terms of doing all the right things right they filled in all the gaps as a very responsible caregiver I'm talking about the emotional bond and the emotional connection yes so they definitely played a caregiver role in my life but as a child I still did feel the absence of not having my biological parents and just feeling unwanted or abandoned so

23:54 even though they tried the best that they could to give me that love I still felt that void growing up yeah and how remarkable that for a young woman you're 35 you're already aware of your wounds you know of your emotional void so many of us go through life without even being aware of what you are aware of it is such a commendable thing and because you are aware now you can begin the healing

24:26 and the reparative process it's really hard because like you said you know you have a fear now of what will happen when you become a mother so talk about that fear a little bit what are you afraid of I afraid that I give me three fears you have complete the sentence I would be afraid of my child not feeling loved or supported yes that's number one number

24:56 two I would want to make sure that they feel like they're in a good healthy environment so whoever I'm in a relationship with or my partner or their other parent just making sure that that's a healthy relationship yes my third fear would probably be for me personally just being at the age that I am at and not currently being in a relationship just with my biological clock ticking I think that would be my

25:27 third fear just as far as like health and actually being able to have that child yeah I hear you so your fears are about the child not feeling loved and wanted and connected to not having a healthy relationship that can be traumatic and of course then your own fears about time clicking and running out of that so let me just tell you and remind you that these fears really that you are having for your future child are

26:00 very much a reflection of your own childhood experience right so that's what happens to us parents and I want every listener to realize this as well that whenever we have a fear for another it's typically a projection of an experience we have already had typically our fears cannot exist unless we've already had an experience of them our elves so because we've had an experience of that fear we

26:32 now project it into the future and to others so I often tell the parents I coach that the fear that you have has already happened to you so what I want you to realize by what I'm saying and it's a little deep so just bear with me what I'm saying is because what you fear has already happened and you're still here means you have already survived it that's huge

27:04 because you've already survived it you're here you're this beautiful woman so attuned so aware you've not only survived it you've possibly triumphed over it so look how afraid we are that oh my goodness what if my kid doesn't feel loved guess what you've already experienced that and you're still standing you're still here beautiful attuned to your heart your next fear well what if my child experiences unhealthy relationships guess what Jazz

27:37 you've already experienced unhealthy relationships and you're here so I just want every listener to take this away to observe and to become aware that every fear they have has probably already happened when I say that typically people feel ah okay I've already done that that and a sigh of relief are you experiencing anything like that right now and if you're not it's okay no I am it's a very good perspective that I

28:09 never looked at I'm looking at that child that I don't have yet and I want to protect and make sure that you know they're good but reflecting back that is true that is something that I dealt with and I was able to overcome and I'm still here so that is a really refreshing perspective for sure yeah and really as parents or to be parents I remind you all it's not about the child in front of you that is causing the

28:41 anxiety it's the child inside of us that's causing the anxiety so what a beautiful invitation now that every time you feel worried about this child of the future or the child in front of you for those who are already parents if you could just redirect that to your own self and say wow is my own inner child anxious right now does my own inner child need soothing right now what can I heal inside me so you asked a very

29:11 important question how can I make sure my child is okay right in a nutshell here's the truth we can't right we cannot dictate what's going to happen tomorrow you could be in a house and it could flood you could be in a traffic Jack and your child and you could observe an accident in front of you you could be with your child and the roof could cave in now I'm not here to create anxiety and give you give you more

29:38 things to put on your list I'm just speaking to the illusion of control you want to have control Jazz because you suffered as a child and that's where your desire for control is coming from from your own experience right I always say the reason we see seek control is because we're anxious inside so guess what it's not about your child it's about you now once you realize that you can begin to do that inner reparenting

30:11 and the inner soothing the inner work how can you avoid your child from experiencing pain you can't but you can minimize your Brokenness by healing yourself right now when you develop that relationship with your own own inner child and you soothe that inner child you take care of that inner child and you reparent Rema now you can show up for your child in wholeness and that is all you need to do I I mean that's a big thing right

30:43 just show up in wholeness but guess what wholeness is not Perfection I know you may have heard Perfection that's what we we think wholeness is and this is a really important Point wholeness is is not Perfection what is wholeness wholeness is a relationship with your pain wholeness is accepting your pain wholeness is celebrating your pain that you can do right you can do that every

31:14 human can do that but you see because we get so caught up in wanting to be perfect we get anxious because no one can be perfect so you need to be released right now Jaz from the this burden you have placed on yourself that until I am perfect I cannot have a child you don't need to wait to be perfect you're already on your way to wholeness and that's all your child needs is a

31:44 mother who is working on herself we are Works in progress and as long as we can just honor that and be humble that we are Works in progress we're not perfect we're not amazing we're not the next God in our child's life here to control and protect them from all pain What Makes You Beautiful Jazz and what's going to make you the best human partner friend and mother is your pain what's coming up for you right now I can see you nodding

32:13 your head I think that a part of that's really true because I feel like I was missing that love growing up which makes me kind of love a lot harder in my relationships yes but now you need to love hard on yourself the relationship with your child or the relationship with this imaginary future partner is not going to heal you now you're becoming your best mother is the path forward you

32:45 had beautiful grandparents who tried the best they could and you need to now take that in and mother yourself and because your biological parents were not able to be the parents they needed to be that's not because you were lesser than just because they couldn't show up it doesn't mean you are not whole or potentially whole it has nothing to do with you you know sometimes as children we interpret

33:18 our parents negligence or our parents lack as meaning that we are incomplete and I'm sure you've made that interpretation on a deep subconscious level but you need to release that your parents couldn't be there because they weren't there for themselves so what do you think now listening to this go deep in your heart what do you think is the best gift you could give a child you Jazz what is the best gift you think you can

33:49 give your child I think my unconditional love yes for whom though who's the first person who needs to receive that unconditional love myself yes so the next time you have a question about should I be a mother or not or what kind of mother and what kind of child and what kind of childhood come back here I need to love myself unconditionally that is the best foundation for your child's future emotional growth your unconditional love

34:23 and do you know why your parents couldn't be there for you it's because they did not Unconditionally Love themselves right we do unto others what we do to ourselves so you grew up not feeling unconditionally loved by your biological parents now you can have a little understanding that they didn't love themselves you've been carrying all this pain thinking it's you but it's not you they couldn't connect with themselves and now if you want to break

34:55 this pattern if you want to to be the pattern disruptor in your family the way to break it is create a legacy of unconditional selflove that is your greatest gift to pass on to your children that's how you're going to change your family Legacy I see you nodding your head so tell me what what's going through your head it's easy to hear but it's like it's easier for me to give that love to someone else even like simple as my dog

35:25 it just comes very naturally yes but thinking about what that looks like when it comes to myself is a little bit more challenging exactly oh my goodness it is a complete mind shift and every listener listening to this right now will be able to relate me too I find it so much easier to pull someone else up when they're depressed or encourage someone else when they've made a mistake but when it's me oh my goodness we are hard

35:53 on ourselves right because that's what we got from our parents and we recreate that in our lives so it's almost as if Jazz you need to put a picture of little jazz on your bathroom mirror on your fridge and you need to get into a relationship with that child first before you have quote unquote a real child you want to know right how to prepare yeah you know when I was 35 I was clueless you are so tuned in you are

36:24 aware that you need to prepare how beautiful but then really prepare don't make it an intellectual exercise really prepare by putting little Jazz's picture everywhere get into a relationship with that child first before you get into how can I be a mother to a real child that's a good idea well that is more than an idea it is the path to Healing thank you so much for being here thank you so much for sharing you are a strong resilient woman

36:56 who I know will change the family pattern thank you so much Dr chapali I appreciate that from both of the people we just heard on the show today there was a Common Thread a common Universal concern that I think most parents have it's this is what I have to offer my child going to be good enough is it going to last them the rest of their lives is it going to last when I leave when I die this is such such a common

37:28 concern and I often tell parents it's legitimate I get it listen I'm a parent I'm a mother I have this concern too but if we get stuck in that worry if we get stuck in that anxiety about the future we will forget to show up fully and present in the now and ultimately all of our concerns about whether our children will have enough from us boil down to our own sense of good enough enoughness

37:58 am I good enough is what I have to offer you the other in my life good enough for you and guess what often this sense of good enoughness has nothing to do with the person in front of us it has to do with our relationship with ourselves it's because we don't deem ourselves as good enough that we project that the other is feeling like we are not good enough either so ultimately all roads

38:31 lead back to our own inner relationship with ourselves that's where Healing Begins if you think that you could benefit from my help and you'd like to be on the podcast this is how you can do it go to my Instagram @ Dr shaali and type the word podcast or go to my website drsha.com and click on the podcast button and I will see you next time on parenting and you with me Dr

39:05 shaali parenting and you with Dr shaali is for educational and informational purposes only it is not intended as a substitute for professional medical psychological psychotherapeutic coaching healthc care or other qualified professional advice diagnosis or treatment